Home

Back to Essays

Monday, May 22, 2006

Email Luke Archives Photos Stars Essays Search LukeIsBack.com Advertise on Lukeisback MyAsianPornStars FetishPays Me Suze Randall Suze Video May 18

Sasha Grey

Brandon Iron posts on pornstarperformance.com:

I hired Sasha Grey today and she is going to have a bright future in the business! She's very outgoing, motivated, and an extremely outgoing performer. Highly recommended. Sasha can be booked though Spieglergirls.com.

Christian responds on XPT:

Now Brandon, you know as well as I do that she is booked thru August or September already. so who exactly are you turning on to her that doesnt already know about her? her first scene had like 5 directors in the scene with her and it spread from there. i love that post because now Brandon can tell her with a straight face "because of the exposure i gave you, you are now a star!" because of me!"

Man tells cops his Jenna Haze blow-up doll vanished into black hole

MAY 17--An Iowa man impervious to embarrassment called cops this week to report the theft of a blow-up fashioned to resemble a porn star. According to a Council Bluffs Police Department report (a copy of which you can find below), Trenton Camacho called cops Monday night to report that a "Priority US Mail package" containing his "Jenna Haze Love Doll" had been opened and that the plastic plaything was missing. The box had been left in the common hallway of the apartment complex where the 21-year-old Camacho resides. In a TSG interview, Camacho said that he purchased the $32 item after receiving an e-mail solicitation and did not plan on replacing the stolen goods. Camacho added that he had not previously ordered any blow-up dolls and was not certain what he was going to do with the life-size replica of the popular Haze, who's starred in films like "Big Bottom Sadie" and "Phuk Factor" and was named "Best New Starlet" at the 2003 Adult Video News awards. Online ads describe the Haze doll (click here to see its package) as having "soft, perky breasts" and "sexy silkscreen crotchless panties & she has the tightest holes."

What Percentage Of Porn DVDs Are Replicated Overseas?

My impression is that most porn replication is done in Southern California, but according to DVD Watch report from April 2006: "...[T]here is increased incidence of discs being sourced overseas although this is predominately less "time sensitive" repertoire e.g. budget priced product and adult material."

You may ask why I am so interested in DVD replication? I think it is a lever to unlocking the size of the porn industry.

Historically, duplication in porn was Mob-dominated. This is no longer true.

So which major porners replicate overseas? What's the price differential between replicating and packaging DVD overseas compared to in California?

I believe most porn DVD replication overseas is done in China and Taiwan. It tends to be low-cost and high-volume.

In the wider replication market, there's significant consolidation. This must be happening in porn as well.

The big five pressers (Technicolor, Cinram, Sony, Optical Disc Services and Sonopress) account for 56% of the market. None of these five replicate porn. The other 44% of the market is divided among 302 pressers, of which 93 are in Asia, 87 are in Western Europe, and 61 in North America.

The price of DVD replication has been dropping about 5% per year.

According to DVD Watch, the price differential between DVD5 and DVD9 (dual-layered) is about 25%. The typical price to replicate DVD5s is now 42c per disc and DVD9s is 56c.

North America replicates about 45% of the world's DVDs (projected 2006 totals -- 7872.5 billion).

DVD Pressers: USA
Total DVD Output Millions of Units
* companies are those I believe are primarily replicating porn. Please correct me if I am wrong.

DVD Pressers: China

DVD Pressers: Taiwan

Holly Randall Runs Into Scott Fayner's Birthday Party Friday Night At Sunset Blvd's Rainbow Room

Penthouse Pet Crystal Klein and Holly Randall call me Sunday morning. They're at LAX looking for model Shay Laren. They thought her flight was coming in at 10 a.m. but it turns out it is 10 p.m.

It sounds like druggie behavior to me. I wonder if Holly really is sober these days. Hanging out with Fayner, the young Keith Richards, is not a good sign.

Crystal takes the phone. "Luke."

Luke: "Hey, you don't sound too good."

Crystal: "No, but I'm not going to tell you why not. One reason is because of Shay.

"I'm completely hungover. It was such a panic situation this morning because I did not have Shay's number. She changed her flight and she didn't tell me."

Luke: "Was Holly drinking with you too last night?"

Crystal: "No. Holly wasn't home. There wasn't a drop of alcohol in the house. She's really good. She's in her sports outfit now. She's going to the gym."

Luke: "Is she really staying sober like she claims?"

Crystal: "Absolutely.

"I don't ever drink except for when I'm here and you see me."

Holly: "There's a thing called partying, Luke."

Crystal: "I'm sorry I haven't emailed you back. It's not that you are down on my priorities."

Holly: "You're just not high."

Crystal: "I get so much email every day."

Holly: "My dad deleted himself from MySpace. He was getting too many strange emails. He thought it was silly to be on MySpace. I wrote his whole profile."

Luke: "How did your dad like the Independent Publisher awards and the Book Expo?"

Holly: "He says it was horrible. A total scam. 'I appreciate porn so much.' It was like a graduation ceremony. No one made speeches. You're just in a line. Then you walk up and get a plaque and shake hands with whoever. He said, 'If I had any idea it was going to be like that, I would've never flown out.'

"When I spoke to my parents last night, they were both drunk.

"Gee, I wonder where I get it from?"

Humphry, like Holly, is a snob (I'm a snob too, so I'm not criticizing him). He's particular. He's not easy to please. He can be grouchy. Suze is outlandish.

Holly: "Friday night, I went to the Rainbow Room. I had no idea Scott was having a party there. I went with someone else. I look over and there's Fayner and all these people I know. I said hi to Jenna Presley, Jenna Haze, Jules Jordan, Kirsten Price, Barret Blade, Victoria Sin. There were other models there I didn't know."

Probably girls who'd come in to Holly for polaroids and she'd rejected them like the snob that she is.

Holly: "Fayner told me he loved me. For some reason, I don't think he really means that. Jenna Haze wants to shoot again. Jenna Presley said she ran into a girl there who was psychic and knew that the guy she was dating...

"I was making toast for myself before going to work and my brother came out and said, 'Where's my breakfast?' I said, 'In the fridge, unmade.'"

Luke: "Does he ask you to wear a special uniform when you serve him breakfast?"

Holly: "Yes."

Luke: "That's sick."

Holly: "It is sick. I don't know why you would even think of that.

"I'm putting Joanna Angel in a fetish dungeon set Saturday. She's worried I'll do this super fetish latex bondage stuff, which is not her thing."

Luke: "She seemed to like it when she was at the hovel."

Holly: "Fetish is very specific. True fetish fans are very particular about details. If you don't know what you're doing when you shoot fetish, it blows up in your face. She didn't want to do a half-assed fetish shoot that would make fools of us all."

Luke: "Do you know what you're doing? You shoot a lot of fetish."

Holly: "Yeah."

Luke: "You lived the fetish life."

Holly: "I have. I'm not an Ira Levine or Nina Hartley. I've shot for Taboo magazine. I've made mistakes shooting fetish. I've been given hell for it."

Holly puts on a southern accent. "I'm home. I'm going to the gym because I'm fat. You want me to talk like this more often about how fat I am? I had too much soy sauce last night. It made me blow up like a balloon."

Holly hates to hear recordings of her normal voice. She says its too manly.

Holly: "Sodium makes my face explode. I've been really hungry of late."

Luke: "Because you smoke so much pot."

She gets these cravings at 2 a.m. for pizza.

Holly: "That hasn't changed. It's because I've been working out more and harder. Bootcamp, three times a week, has been brutal."

Champion of nudity found dead in jail cell

From SFGate.com, May 21, 2006:

'Naked Guy' won fame in Berkeley, challenged values

The Naked Guy, whose au naturel jaunts through Berkeley spurred a nudity revolt in the early 1990s and earned him national fame, died in a San Jose jail cell, apparently of suicide.

While many chuckled at the exploits of Andrew Martinez, friends and family of the 33-year-old talked Saturday about a troubled man who struggled for years with mental illness.

"He was a person with tremendous gifts and charisma who could have been a great asset to our society, but instead I feel like society -- me included -- failed him," said Martinez's best friend, Bryan Schwartz, a civil rights lawyer in Washington, D.C. "It's such a waste."

Public nudity isn't just a gag and a healthy activity, it's an assault of Western civilization (or any form of civilization), writes Dennis Prager:

Secular Europe is far readier to feature nudity on public television than is Judeo-Christian America, and it is far more accepting of people walking around nude in public at beaches. The Judeo-Christian problem with public nudity among consenting adults at a beach or even at a nudist colony is not that these people are necessarily acting immorally (...); it is that they are acting like animals. Clothing gives human beings dignity; it elevates them above the animals whose genitals are always uncovered (...)

AVN Editor Mike Ramone writes:

Poor Luke – you don’t really look up to the silly, stuffy Dennis “The Old Testament is Literally True” Prager and his myth-based, anti-humanistic, pathological anti-sex rants, do you?

Secularists, unlike Judeo-Christian mythologists, accurately realize that human beings, aka homo sapiens, are animals – not some special creature created in the image of “God”. And we find the human body – at least well conditioned human bodies – beautiful (wouldn’t want to see the svelte-challenged Prager nude, that’s for sure). As for Prager’s statement that clothing gives human beings dignity, only someone self-loathing – and all religion instills self-loathing in people (i.e., we’re all “sinners” without “God’) – could take that position. Undignified human beings are the only creatures that actually kill for reasons other than survival – namely for sport or sadistic or sociopathic reasons. And we usually do it with our clothes on. And usually not when we’re naked and having sex. Prager really needs to get into therapy (not to mention the gym to un-do his obvious unhealthy psychological blockages. As do, IMO, all conservatives, hint, hint. (Only kidding; well, not really). And you need to look elsewhere for your heroes.

What follows is a letter to the editor I wrote to the L.A. Times, which published it on June 5, 2005, in response to a Prager column on his belief that the Old Testament is “the revealed word of God.” I believe my letter pretty much gets to the heart of why Prager can’t be taken seriously when he espouses his fundamentalist beliefs.

Dear Editor,

Since Prager believes that the Bible is the revealed word of God, does he advocate, say, putting to death anyone who curses his parents (Exodus 21:17) or works on the Sabbath (Exodus 31:15) or blasphemes God (Levitius 24:16)? If he does, then he’s a fanatic who cannot be taken seriously. If he doesn’t, then he obviously picks and chooses what revealed words of God to believe, and his argument falls apart.

Girls Get Hurt When Guys Can't Rise To The Occasion

A male porn performer tells me: "Girls get hurt when a guy can't get wood. They take it personally. Sometimes it is the girl's fault but most of the time it's the guy's fault. You are not going to be attracted to everybody."

AIDS Walk New York

"It's the only venereal disease for which New Yorkers are willing to walk," says Amalek. "Why is there no walk to fight herpes or venereal warts? After all, unlike HIV, these diseases are very easy to catch.

"Luke, you interface with a community that is fairly saturated with these viruses. I'll bet that if they got behind finding a cure or a vaccine to prevent the spread of herpes, their hundreds of thousands of fans would quickly join the cause and the politicians would follow."

'I'm Going To Get Laid!'

I talk to Holly the other week. "I was driving to the dentist and it was towards your house and suddenly my body starts yelling, 'I'm going to get laid!' It was this raw physiological reaction. And I only got a teeth cleaning. It'd been 18-months since I saw the dentist. The last time I was there, a Friday afternoon, my car wouldn't start for an hour. I felt utterly humiliated."

Holly: "I can't believe your car still starts, period.

"What are you doing for your birthday?"

Luke: "My friend Cathy said to me, 'Let Holly do something for you so I don't have to.'"

Holly: "Why don't you organize it?"

Luke: "I don't do that."

Holly: "You'd rather your birthday would go by with a whimper."

Luke: "Yes. I don't like asking for favors or owing people favors. I've asked for your help enough. I don't want to build up any more obligations."

Holly: "That's weird. I just got a voicemail. Can I call you right back?"

'I Hope You Didn't Print His Email'

I call one male porn stud about another emailing me that the guy owed him money.

XXX: "The guy Jack [fake name I've inserted for the real one] is a nut case. I just don't want any connection between him and me. That he is even still alive amazes me. I wish he could get over his obsession with me. But I don't want him to get any riding on my coattails."

Luke: "I still want to get a story out of this. I didn't rush and publish the email. I forwarded it to you."

XXX: "If you really want to get a story out of this, go to his house. See the way he lives. And come over to my apartment and see how I live. This isn't worth a story. This is like a homeless person on skidrow trying to claim that Charlie Sheen owes her money for a blowjob.

"I don't owe him anything. He stole from me. He stole my video camera and my old private video tapes. They were my most prized possession.

"He had a friend who wanted to hide money from a wife he wanted to divorce. This guy is not bright. Jack talked him into depositing $10,000 worth of bad checks and then taking out so much of the money...which made Jack $2,000 so he could get some hair implants from Mexico.

"He's also illegally married to somebody for INS purposes and she pays him $400 a month. Who do you report this to? I tried.

"He had somebody break into my van twice.

"As soon as you see how he lives, you will drop the story and stop giving him any press. He rides a bus to get to work for the few people who will hire him for a joke.

"When I first moved back here, I didn't have anything. I was ready to start camping on the beach. So I stayed with Jack. It was the most disgusting filthy place. But the rent was right -- $400 a month. I had my own toilet. I cleaned things up tremendously and made things better.

"If you feed a starving dog, he's going to keep coming back. I've seen you give him press before and it's always, 'See what a nutcase he is.' I know why you do it but please don't get me involved in that. If I shot up heroin, I'd tell you and I'd have no problem with you printing it.

"He had a heroin-addict girlfriend who was supposedly recovering. He's also a heroin addict. He would disappear into his bedroom for a few days. He refused to help us clean the house. He's useless. And he's creepy and he's gross.

"He wants to fight me. He wants that to be public news. Doesn't that raise any red flags with any one but me?"

Luke: "This is porn. That's common."

Jack: "Maybe with people who make a difference. He's a criminal. He belongs in jail.

"The only ex-roommate I don't talk to is Jack. He is vindictive in a cowardly way. He will go behind your back and ---- you over. Jack knows my email address. He didn't email me. He emailed you.

"I had lifestyle differences with Jeff [not his real name, another male porn performer]. Jeff went to bed early and couldn't close his doors because he had cats. I tried to go to bed earlier but couldn't.

"When I moved out, I owed Jack about $150. I will never pay him. I will put that money towards a lie detector test about stealing my video camera and tapes. He can not pass that test. He can not raise the $400 for the lie detector test [which he'd have to pay for if he failed it].

"If you publish this story, you are giving a junkie street creds. You are giving him the ability to feel important. He's indicative of somebody even the porn industry says no thank you to.

"None of the girls I've talked to have given any reaction to working with him other than 'Eww!'

"Before me, he had a roommate who stalked Brad Pitt. That was his street cred before me.

"My living with him was like the woman who accidentally made a porno because she needed the money to go home."

"Jack" writes:

Thanks Luke for being your usual brilliant self. You decided to talk to him and then post his ---- before talking with me. It's now going to go around that I supposedly do illegal ---- and that I supposedly am married for money. He also said to me that I supposedly was kicked out of my place but I've lived here for years and still do. That what he told me. I dont know where he comes up with the crazy ---- he does. It's un----ingbelievale. And where did he get this notion that I'm hiding money or that I'm married for money? If it was true, I doubt I would also supposedly tell him and then later try to rob him while he's still living with me??? This man is the one who's crazy. That I broke his van window or had it done for him is pure speculation on his part which he says he "knows" I did. I'm the one who walked by and found his vehicle window broken. Itwas parked on the street, around the corner from some mexican drug dealers. I had nothing to do with his it nor did I steal his video camera. He has the worst memory deficiency I've ever witnessed in my life, completely contradicts himself all the time. And I mean ALL the time. I swear this on my mother's life. You are welcome to see my place. It's clean. He's the one who would scream if I left a dish unclean right after using it but would leave stacks of dishes. He is a bonafide nut case. See the way I live and go look at his vehicle and it's beer cans everywhere and go smell his room which must stink just like the one he had did which he lived in which required three consequtive days of steam cleaning to clean. He's also a major racist who said to me "You know the world would really be a much better place if there were no niggers in it". He's REALLY ----ed in the head and if I wanted to get rid of him which I was close to doing I admit I would've simply kicked him out just like the next guy he was living with did.

XXX is pulling out all stops to try and avoid the fact that he's a deadbeat who owes me rent. Why the hell if I supposedly am illegally married and cash bounced checks or whatever the hell he is talking about and I know that he knows this, and that I also supposedly stole his camera and had someone break into his van would I still be pursuing this matter of the rent he owes me? This makes as much sense as he does. And why would I tell him of illegal things I'm doing and then rob and vandalize him while he's still living in my place?

And what is his evidence I stole his video camera or had someone break into his van which was parked on the street? Ask him and this will prove how insane he is. There is no evidence (of course since I had nothing to do with it). He "knows" because he believes it, just like all the other crazy ---- he believes in, like angels talking to him and when my office tape recorder from radio shack is not working right it is because he has some special supernatural powers over it. He actually said this to me.

He has made it necessary for me to kick his ass (or in his words "try") because to start he has accused me of a cowardly act, stealing and breaking into (or have someone break into) his van. When we meet and fists are flying he will understand that I am no coward. His accusations are unbelivable. He once told me he would not press charges if I ever were to kick his ass and I will state here and now that I would honor the same if he were to kick mine (yeah right). We will see.

It's true I had a cute 21 gothic girffriend who I was trying to help get off heroin. She told me later that he was hitting on her and he was letting her hang out in his room to watch cable t.v. when at the time I didn't have it. I dont accuss XXX of doing heroin because of that and I have never done heroin in my life! XXX is such a fucking retard! He just needs to keep adding more bullshit to avoid the fact that he's a deadbeat. I wouldn't disappear into my room for days. I just wasn't as hip to hanging out with XXX as he would prefer. I never stuck needles in my arm ever. This is like his "I know you broke my van window" theory of his. He also had this thing about being concerned about where I am like he's a jeoulous gay lover. I would sometimes take long walks and he would empahtically ask me where I've been and say that I must be prostituting myself on Santa Monica Blvd! He wasn't joking either. It was funny but I couldn't believe his shit. And he has this vehement anti--faggot thing going on . He'd call my Harley Davidson boots "fag boots" (try telling a biker he's a fag you fucking moron!). If I had Depeche Mode on he's call it "fag music". He also angrily said the neighbors were faggots and they aren't. He just heard them once laughing like silly children while they were smoking pot, probably. One morning, a neighbors car alarm was going off and what got me out of bed start XXX yelling in his whiney effeminate sounding voice to shut it off. Then the funniest thing happened. The lady he was yelling to from out his window told him to "Shut up, you Faggot!". This was hilarious listening to him yell back at her "I am not a faggot! I like woman. I have sex with females!" and so on. So not much later the next time he starts his stupid fag comments about my boots again I bring this up as a point that he shouldn't be talking shit and what does he say to me in response ?: "That never happened!"

Yeah I had the Brad Pitt stalker as my roommate. XXX tells me "I was the best roommate you ever had", which is stupid because he doesn't know who my roommates were, other than Athena Rolando. Also if he was the best roommate I ever had why would I supposedly do something cowardly to get him out and why would... kick him out too?

It seems XXX thinks he can reveal certain things about me which may be or have been true or partially true, coupled with serious allegations and keep both himself and me anonymous. Does he realize the severity of the allegations he is raising (assuming they make sense, like cashing bad checks)? What the hell is he doing just to try to evade the fact that he's a deadbeat?

Phoebe Retires

She posts May 15 on MySpace:

Phoebe is dead. I have learned that friends are more imoprtant than money. the ones who care about you and love you more than life itself is even more important. I was a sucker for not thinking that in the beginning. i have lost soo much over the past 4 months. it is time for Jenn to finish what she started, go to college (finally) and have a real job. im almost 22...what do i have to show in life? that i am a porn star??? No that is not me. i am better than that. I have the love of my heart to show me that. i i was so close to losing him when it finally hit me. Jenn is better than Phoebe. Phoebe is a whore. she did what she had to to for her reasons. now that it is out of my system..she died. and i know that now i am gonna get a ---- load of messages asking me why i left, especially when some people had a feeling that i wouldn't make it in hollywood. well it wasn't that i didn't make it. for those who didn't believe me...i was big. "phoebe pigtails" n to joshey...phoebe booby cause my boobs grew a little bit. eventually my ---- will come out on DVD but i wont be there to promote it. fame and fourtune isnt worth loosing friends and loved ones. money doesnt buy happiness...i never thought that to be true untill i almost lost my happiness.

She blogs May 20: "what i was will never go away. id have to relocate myself and never tell ne one who or what i was. but that would be running from myself. i love the people who have remained my friend throughout my journey. without them i wouldn't be where i am now."

She blogs April 7:

I can't sleep. well, I did for like 5 hours...and that is like a nap to me. I came home from work last night around 11 pm and was just absoutley horny as hell. I did a girl girl girl scene with Jessica Jammer and Alicia Aligohtti....used a dildo and all that other good ----....but nothing beats the feeling of having a guy lay next to you, on top of you.....or even below you. I miss going on dates. Not just the typicial dinner and a movie date either, i can do that with anyone.....dates that really matter. weather it is ordering chineese sittin on the bed and watching corny movies... goin to the park in the dead of winter just to swing on the swings...buying a 1/2 quart of icecream and eating it in the car while watching a rainstorm...or having a midnight picnic in the park underneath a stary night (emo ---- activated...now) I miss it all. The lights, cameras, money, internet fame, none of it compares to a passionate kiss..or christ even a night of cuddling with someone you care about. You people prolly think I am nuts...i get to have sexxx everyday...most of the guys have huge penis' and if its not on camera..i can call up any of them and ---- them whenever i want. well. ITS NOT THE SAME...A male talents ---- is still staged. no matter what. they know when they are gonna cum...and they "---- to pop". It's just to let off a little stress. Not to be in total bliss (----en emo rhymes) But honestly..why me?? Yes I'm a nympho..but not just for anyones sex....i want a lil romance in my life too. Is that so much to ask?

Wankus As Britney Rears

His blog.

Joanna Angel, Mary Carey Say They Are Not Overrated

They call me sloshed Friday evening and leave this message.

Mary: "I'm not going to say anything.

"Yeah, I'm just like so over-rated. That's why I'm on Keith Olberman. Joanna is overrated. Why are we in mainstream publications? What's wrong? We are so overrated.

"The porn stars doing porn are the real ones. We're the overrated ones. We don't f--- enough."

Joanna: "I only take one penis in my ass."

Mary: "I'm just on news shows all the time."

2cums writes on XPT: "Luke was wise to hitch his wagon to these stars."

Where Does Michael Payne Get His Production Company Name 'Seven Silver Keys Productions' From?

Michael replies:

I have a deep interest in the ancient history, mythology, and symbolism. the Norsemen (the peoples of medieval Scandinavia) believed that every man is in a constant war against himself, and the world around him; in order for him to win, he must evolve, and dare to open his heart to his dreams, and to do that, he needs to obtain seven silver keys. he must travel to Niflheim, which is hell in Norse mythology, and go through the layers of Niflheim, and obtain the silver keys from there. One thing which always interests me is the similarity of some certain elements throughout the various belief systems and cultures in the ancient world. Case in point is the number seven, and how this number has became both holy and profane throughout the history: in the Old Testament, god creates the universe in seven days (Genesis 2, 1), Moses orders his people to work on thier farms for six years, and on the seventh year, take a break, and worship god (Exodus 23, 10-11). In the book of Revelation, there are seven angels, who invade the sin infected earth with Seven Plagues (Revelation 15, 1), and last but not least, the whore of Babylon, is a woman sitting on a scarlet beast that is covered with blasphemous names and had seven heads and ten horns. (Revelation 17, 3-4). look throughout different ancient mythologies in different parts of the world, and you will see how the same elements keep on repeating.

The Sword Of The Prophet II

Bob writes: "People died in the riots following the publication of those Danish cartoons of Mohammed and his bomb turban and you want a porno? Oh hell, tell Spallone to make Mohammed a tranny and set off WWIII."

Chaim Amalek writes: "You know what they say about the first amendment. Use it or lose it."

Fred writes: "Uhh, I think we lost it."

Jeremy Steele: 'You Have Candida'

He emails:

Try eating lots of LIVING foods. We are living human.ganic human beings. You shouldn't feel this overwhelmed. For you to say you've spent most of your day dealing with this aggravation must mean that you're spent your day entertaining...banter. That guy is the most dillusional asshole I have ever met. Meanwhile, you've spent little time conversating with me about it so I dont know how it could have occupied most of your day. I'll be happy to write my beef out in detail. All you have to do is post it. If he responds you can post that. What's the problem? What's so difficult or time consuming about cutting and pasting??? It seems you're unfairly taking out on me whatever issues you have with yourself and your own various entries. What exactely do you mean "Roommate fights between male porn stars just may not be worth the trouble."? I agree you lost your edge. I think it happened long ago. The vast majority of things I've ever emailed or which you had at your disposal via audio recording you misquote. You have some kind of special knack, I'll tell you that.

I've Lost My Edge

I felt like I spent more time Friday telling porn stars that I would not be publishing their stories than seeking stories. Sometimes I just don't want the aggravation. Roommate fights between male porn stars just may not be worth the trouble.

I don't think people realize the amount of gossip (I don't mean that in the negative sense, just stories that are personal) and back-and-forth that I won't publish.

I know I'm publishing a lot of crap these days and I know I'm constantly apologizing.

Phil writes me:

Ease up on the self criticism! I've been reading you for a few years and while some of the Mary Cary/Jade/jc girls stuff is annoying, you still are the go-to page for any gossip.

I have an American Studies degree from a U.C. school, so this isn't coming from a cranked out illiterate trailer park dwelling resident of Riverside.

But I will give a little unsolicited advice; Lay off the the self-absue. Absolutely no one wants to hear you whine about how you suck and are sorry for it. Worry less about access.

You have been restricted access to the porn world, both personal and professional because you published names and the contents of production books, not because you said Gia Paloma bought the coke she O.D.'d on at AEE last year from Fayner [Luke: I did not say that].

Go ahead and be a bit more open about your own opinions as to why porn is bad and how the players in the biz (talent, producers, agents, consumers) fuel this evil.

Cindi's Naked Truth

cindiloftus1: everything okay? I heard you were off the lithium. Did I tell you It's been a year now since a had a cig?
cindiloftus1: guess you don't want to talk
cindiloftus1: bi bi:-P
Luke: yo
cindiloftus1: don't call me a yo, lol
Luke: dawg
cindiloftus1: 'sup dawg?
Luke: nada
cindiloftus1: well I was telling you stuff but you weren't answering so I figured, not talking mood
Luke: i was out
cindiloftus1: oh, well youcan answer all the q's now if you have them up there. what you doing this weekend?
Luke: recovering from a cold
cindiloftus1: poor baby, who is bringing you chicken soup or matza soup?
Luke: holly
cindiloftus1: She's a sweetie. Maybe you should marry her
cindiloftus1: So date her for a year or so and then....
cindiloftus1: did you stop taking your lithium?
cindiloftus1: cuz you lost alot of weight really quick
Luke: yes
cindiloftus1: Are you feeling okay with out it?
cindiloftus1: Is your mind spinning
cindiloftus1: Did you ask your doctor?
Luke: yes, I am not into chat. I am sorry. I have had a painful elbow for the past few months and every minute I spend on the keyboard makes it worse. I'm off for a walk. sorry. XOXO
Luke: I will buy you a drink
cindiloftus1: bi bi Luke
Luke: i am not bi
cindiloftus1: ok, buy buy

Britney Rears Gets Shafted

Jeff Mullen of All Media Play responds:

Luke,

Let me set the record straight regarding the Britney Rears franchise of movies. It was quite amusing to read that your source said that there ‘were plenty of nice paydays for All Media Play and that she (the actress who played ‘Britney’ in the first to movies) never got paid for any of it”.

Wow, and I thought that I was a good fiction writer!

I along with Scott David and my staff created the entire Britney Rears project and All Media Play/X-Play own all rights, copyrights and masters to the name, likeness and title.

Jessica Sweet is an actress who agreed to play the role of Britney Rears back when she was hustling for scenes as a new actress. She made two successful movies for us playing the part of ‘Britney’, shot 6 sex scenes, and participated in a number of high profile promotional dates and was paid quite handsomely for her services.

Jessica is as sweet as pie and we love her, however, there was always a ton of promotional work available, most all of it paid that she really didn’t want to do. The truth is that she no longer really wanted to be a porn actress and she will tell you that.

Of course, with all of the visibility of this project nationwide, Jessica had ‘many people’ talking to her advising her about the fact that she should be a millionaire by now. Obviously, those people must not work in the same adult entertainment industry that I do because if those monetary figures were anywhere in the ballpark, I would wear the wig and sing the damn song myself.

Like the original Britney movie, Britney Rears 2 is a major smash hit and we just completed principal production on ‘Britney Rears 3: Britney Rears Gets Shafted’ which will be the biggest of all with Hillary Scott playing the role of Britney. We know exactly how much money was paid to Jessica Sweet over the past year and a half and it was more than many make working full time job. Jessica was never under any exclusive contract with our company or with LFP as she was ALWAYS free to continue to shoot scenes with anybody that she wished. She just could not use the name Britney, Britney Rears or wear the wig.

We are thrilled to be working with Hillary Scott who is one of my all time favorites and perfect for the part and we just want to have some fun and continue the goofy adventure that is ‘Britney Rears’. By the way our new movie ‘Britney Rears Gets Shafted’ has nothing to do with anybody getting paid or not paid but does have everything to do with the feel good times of the 70s when disco and soul music ruled.

Jessica Sweet as Britney Rears was about the worst interview I've ever had with a porn star. She didn't like talking about herself. She was only being Britney for the money and she gave off no enthusiasm for the role.

I expect more from my porn star subjects.

Jane writes:

The girl who was previously playing Britney Rears always looked like she was in some sort of pain during public appearances. Don't attribute that to me, but I saw her several times at different events and she always seemed to have an 'I don't want to be here' attitude. I don't think she wanted to be publicly associated with porn.

I'll bet you it was her boyfriend telling her that she ought to be getting more money.

You sensed the same thing from her too? I had never met anyone so miserable in porn. I looked at Talon's photo on IAFD and he looks like a tranny, like he's on the hormones and just waiting the year to get the sex change.

I'll bet that blow job from Hillary's HIV positive male assistant isn't the only male action he's getting. Is it true that TT Boy doesn't like to talk about Talon?

I think the new cover of AVN is funny.. Tera Patrick can't be calling that many shots if she's still featuring at the Spearmint Rhino in Santa Barbara. She's still in litigation with Digital Playground? I believe that they are the ones that still hold the licenses and get the profit from any Tera Patrick sex toys, etc

You know what else is funny about Talon's IAFD listing? It lists his two Yahoo fan groups for his gay porn name!! http://groups.yahoo.com/group/LexBaldwin/ (fansite) http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lexbaldwinfans/ (fansite) http://www.iafd.com/person.asp?perfid=Talon_m&gender=M

Did you ever hear the story of how he just walked up to Lacie Heart on a movie set and said,'On your knees, bitch'

Have you asked Stefani Morgan out on a date yet? I'm sure you could scrape up the $$$ for that!

>Stefani dropped me from her myspace friends. I'm heartbroken.

Karina Kay Retired?

Victor writes: "Has Karina Kay retired and now living in New York? I think it is her when I saw her having lunch with her mother at the local Friendly's?"

Celebrity Sleuth Magazine Selects Holly Randall In Its 25 Sexiest Women Issue

HollyRandall: so Celebrity Sleuth is going to put me in their 25 sexiest issue
HollyRandall: even though i won't send them nude shots
HollyRandall: whoa AVN has a myspace profile and i'm on their top 8! [for a few minutes]
Luke: You are among the sexiest 25 women in porn?
HollyRandall: no i think just "25 sexiest"
HollyRandall: i don't know-- i'm not sure it means i'm in the top 25
HollyRandall: just perhaps in that particular issue
Luke: I meant, mazal tov, congratulations. You deserve it.
Luke: Look, if it was reversed, I guess part of me would be honored and part disgusted.
HollyRandall: i'm so excited to be on AVN's top 8
HollyRandall: lol i'm such a dork
Luke: everyone is excited by such things, you just have the courage to admit it.
Luke: I will send CS your nude shots.
HollyRandall: ha!
HollyRandall: you don't have any
HollyRandall: yeah you wish buddy
HollyRandall: nobody has that on me
HollyRandall: haha! I'm a hell of a lot less interesting now that I stopped drinking.
HollyRandall: so what's up for your birthday?
Luke: dinner with friends
Luke: I'm such a party boy
HollyRandall: ok well at least you're doing something
HollyRandall: i'm ordering your present right now
HollyRandall: i just hope it's a good one
Luke: a hooker?
HollyRandall: lol no
HollyRandall: something you'll actually use
HollyRandall: do you have three prong outlets in your hovel?
Luke: when I have girls over

Holly on Jeanie Marie: "We shot her a few times when she looked good and our members loved her -- I even sent her to my dermatologist to help fix up her skin but if she can't stay off the drugs it's useless."

Holly on Jeanie: "I'm postive that's her, because she came back in for test shots a few months ago after we'd initially shot her, and she was on her way to looking like that. What I don't get is her nose... did she just get bad lip injections that traveled upwards?"

Holly rarely applies these standards to her men. If you're a broke writer, you're in.

Holly on her sister Lucy: "This photo isn't photoshopped at all-- but I won't lie to you my sister's hair is at this moment a disaster and lord knows what color -- I went through the "I don't care how I look so I'm going to wear black and have crappy hair" stage, and look at what a yuppie I am now. If someone had told me at the age of 16 that one day I'd willingly wear pink I would have shot myself on the spot."

Holly on Dillan Lauren: "This video gave me a much needed laugh-- I love Dillan she's hilarious and this video reminds me to stay on her good side. That girl can kick some ass."

Tyler Faith Smacks Down Daisy Duxxx

Tyler posts on Daisy's comments section:

You have some serious balls not only putting me in your top 8 but inviting me to one of your events. Anyone who brags about killing innocent animals (endangered no less) then shooting a sex scene next to their carcass is on my "---- yourself and die" list for life. It's understandable and obvious by how busted your looks are that you have to do outrageous stunts in order to receive attention but harming animals to do so puts you in an all new low class beneath the scummiest of whores in this business. What's next for you? Rape scenes with the elderly? Good luck with your future but remember that if we cross paths to walk the other way or you'll have no future.

Gregory Dark’s See No Evil Hits Theaters Today

From AVN.com:

HOLLYWOOD - AVN Hall of Fame director Gregory Dark will make his mainstream feature film debut today with the release of See No Evil. The release will mark the first time a mainstream feature film directed by a known porn director has achieved a nationwide theatrical release.

While Lions Gate Entertainment, the company releasing the film, doesn’t herald Dark’s past in the adult industry, it isn’t hiding Dark’s participation in the movie either. Lion's Gate has allowed him to use the same professional name he used on many of his adult projects, which include such XXX classics as New Wave Hookers and Café Flesh.

Joanna Angel, Mary Carey Party At Minnesota Sexpo

pic pic pic pic Joanna's blog Joanna's Diary.

Joanna emails me:

Mary Carey loves you as much as I do. I didn't know you were friends with non-Jewish girls. I'm telling your mom. Here is all the info of where you can stalk me and your other non jewish girlfriend today. I'm going to go and get drunk with my new blond friend. Have a good shabbos.

I call Mary at 3:30 EST.

Mary: "I really like Joanna. Are you mad because there's no drama? There are other porn girls. I'm sure there will be one who will be rude to me and I'll complain to you.

"Joanna and I don't have to hang out with the other girls. Just each other.

"I knew I'd like her because I've read about her on your website. Any girl you're friends with, I know I'll like. I talk to Kendra a lot."

Joanna: "We should sign at the Lukeisback booth."

Mary: "I get emails from your readers offering me psychological help.

"Alan Colmes is a fan of yours.

"I'm having my second glass of wine. All I'm going to do is stand around and meet people.

"If there was a world war and the Chinese were going to kill all of us, I'd move to Minnesota because who's going to hurt Minnesota?"

Joanna: "I'm drinking shots. L'chaim. Let's do a shot together over the phone.

"Mary's drinking wine. She's more classy than me.

"We're walking around dressed like hookers and everybody's looking at us."

Luke: "Have you ever considered accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?"

Joanna: "Jesus Christ? I don't even know what that is."

Luke: "You need to give me a password to your website burningangel.com."

Joanna: "All you can see if you have a password is all the dirty pictures and you don't like looking at that stuff."

I laugh.

Joanna: "I don't want to be responsible for you sinning. I can't hold that over my head. There are things in there that you would rather not see."

I laugh.

Joanna: "I'm doing things that I don't think you want to know about. So you can only see the free stuff.

"I feel like Lisa from Saved by the Bell. She was always hanging out with the couples."

Luke: "What was Mary's SAT score?"

Mary: "1110."

Joanna's was 1460.

Harold's was 1040.

Mary's GPA in highschool was 2.8 (a B- average).

Mary's boyfriend Harold comes on the line. "You probably don't want to talk to me because there's no drama."

Luke: "If Mary's drinking, there's going to be drama soon."

Harold: "We're probably looking at some drama tonight.

"Mary's smart. She didn't try [at school]."

Mary: "I had 4 Fs factored into my GPA. Theater was my favorite major."

Harold graduated with a degree in Psychology from the University of Hawaii.

Mary can't find her digital camera because she hid it while she was drunk.

Mary: "I wonder how I'd do on my SATs now. Porn definitely kills brain cells. I haven't had to use my brain for much. I know my way around the airport. If I miss my flight, I know how to get another flight easily. I know how to get upgraded to first class.

"Why don't you fly out right now? I'll buy you a ticket."

I laugh.

Mary: "Luke just laughs. Luke just laughs when I talk to him. You should record your laugh and put a button that people can push to hear you laugh."

Mary imitates my laugh and I laugh in response and record my laugh and upload it.

Joanna: "I'm running on Mary Carey time."

Luke: "Is your dad there with you?"

Joanna: "He is not. He couldn't make it."

Mary and Joanna toast me.

Mary: "How many people write in and want to help me?"

Luke: "Not many."

Mary: "There should be a psychological test to get into the industry."

Joanna: "If you are a bit normal, you won't be allowed in."

Willie D writes on XPT: "I Can't Describe How Wrong This Is. Meet the two most overrated people in pornography today."

Hustler can't keep an editorial assistant?

The Tattler writes: "They are running an ad again, maybe Lyn Heller should mention in the ad: "Must eat ----, daily, from 60-something bully named Bruce David."

Vivid Girl Stefani Morgan Won't Dish

She blogs May 11:

Due to my recent spread in FHM...a large number of interviews wish to hear the inside scoop with people mentioned in the interview featured in the magazine. The interview was about my dating life, and that includes ALL of it. The names mentioned were chosen by the editors. Since I did not, and will not, give out any "dirt" about the people listed, I will not be doing Howard Stern, as well as a many other interviews. Don't believe the hype bitches! Sorry, but I will not be a sell out, and disrespect those in my life.

Wankus Update

wankuspd: Today's useless rant from Wankus is about personal hygiene. Luke, at the end of the day, even if showered, have you noticed a clammy aroma resonating from your testicle region?
Luke: no
wankuspd: Well others have and I have the answer to the problem
Luke: What are you wearing right now?
Luke: whoops, wrong IM
wankuspd: A Britney Rears school girls outfit, but that's not important right now
wankuspd: After a fresh shower in the morning, take your underarm deodorant and line a dab of it on the two cracks inbetween your legs and your scrotum. One line, each side. On an extra hot day...
wankuspd: ...put a little baby powder in your hands and tap it on your crotch region and inner thighs as well, for extra protection.
Luke: I bet Tyler appreciates the care you take.
wankuspd: At the end of the day, you're going to be pleased with the results. Fresh, clean and refreshing testicles. Thank you for your time.
wankuspd: PS: If the crevice we were speaking of is full of hair, you may want to wax or shave it on a regular basis to aid in the good hygiene expectations.
wankuspd: For more tidbits about nothing, be checking Luke-is-back daily. Thank you. Hygiene-is-back.

Tabloid Baby On McCartney's Marriage Crackup

DVD Authoring

To get a movie ready for DVD replication, it usually costs about $600 for authoring a DVD5 (taking the edited movie and burning it into a DVD master) and about $700 for a DVD9 (dual-layed DVD through RDSL -- Reverse Disk Spiral Layering). Editing a hardcore movie costs about $1100. Editing for hard and soft versions can be done for about $1500. Boxcover design costs about $500. For 5,000 copies of a DVD boxcover, it'll usually cost less than $600. Replicated, packaged and wrapped DVDs for a minimum order of 3,000 will cost about 70c each DVD.

A typical new porn DVD (not a compilation) can be sold to domestic distributors for about $10 each (Evil Angel will get about $18 each) and to foreign distributors for about $8 each.

Trinity James Staying Out Of Porn

She blogs May 14 from Indiana:

I am not sure where life is going for me and what I will be doing a month from now...me and josh have hit alot of problems and all we were doing was fighting and splitting up..at one point about 2 weeks ago I was in a hotel and pretty much planning on heading back to california but he stopped me and wanted me to stay and try to work on things one more time.

Michael Payne Interview

He emails me (pic, pic):

Hey Luke, I'm Russian/Armenian. been working in the porn industry for three years now. I started in Europe, then moved here and started my own production company: Seven Silver Keys Productions. I distribute through Anarchy Films. Ever since I was in Europe, I was always interested in your work, your style, and your brutal honesty in reporting what is actually going on in " The Valley"; and now that I work here, I see how true and real your reports are.

The title of my current series, is Stripped, Spread, Stretched, which will be distribute through Anarchy Films/Fifth Element. Vol. 1 will be released on may 29, and Vol. 2 on June 19.

The companies I was working with back in Amsterdam, were including, but not limited to: Magma Erotic, KLBR Productions, Extreme Sex Channels, etc.

The title of my graphic novel is The Nether World. it's a fictional story, a cross between the book of Revelation and George Orwell's 1984; and includes two books: Book One: The Aeon of Hours. Book Two: The Ordeal of Blood.

I call Michael Thursday. He's been in the United States since 2004. He started his production company in September 2005. He's produced three titles.

A Renaissance man, he produces, directs and performs in his films.

He combines S-M with hardcore.

Michael was invited to Chelsea Zinn's 20-man gangbang but he did not feel comfortable there and thus did not perform in it.

In America, he's only performed in his own movies.

Michael: "Porn is like punk rock. Anyone can get in. You can work on your own terms. You can make better money and have more spare time. And you might as well have fun.

"There are lots of bad aspects of this business. One thing that bothers me is how easily people in the industry get dependent on drugs, particularly women. A big portion of them come from low-class families and they haven't had enough access to the freedom and money they make in porn. When they get in the industry, they start making good money and meet people and have access to all kinds of alcohol and drugs. Since they're not good at managing their own money, they end up in dramatic ways. There are people who were in my own movies and they're going through some difficult times.

"Besides that, there are a lot of people in the business who try to take advantage of the girls. That is something I'd never do.

"I don't care people how some people, especially in the United States, people like Larry Flynt or Jenna Jameson or Ron Jeremy, who try to justify the porn industry. I won't. If you choose something as an occupation, you should be honest about it and accept what you are doing. In my opinion, porn is the modern face of prostitution. I want to make money in this business and stay in it, but that does not necessarily mean that I like it or justify it."

Luke: "Where did you grow up?"

Michael: "I'm from Armenia, which was a part of the USSR. I grew up under harsh [communist] conditions. Now I am 33. When I was at university [studying English Literature], I was part of a revolutionary movement against the government. Around 1990, I got arrested and I spent nine months in KGB prison. I was tortured badly. I was released in 1991 after the fall of communism. I stayed in Armenia until 1994. Then things got bad. The economy collapsed. There weren't enough jobs. Lots of people left, including myself.

"I went over to Europe. Romania. Then I went to Western Europe. I ended up in the Netherlands, Amsterdam, where I started my work in the porn industry."

Fifth Element is a replication and distribution arm of Anarchy Films, which was formed by Ari Ovadia and his family after they broke away from Reuben Sturman's Sin City company in 2002.

The Sword of the Prophet

Chaim Amalek writes:

I understand the desire of porners like Spallone to use titles that can parasitically coast along with whatever is getting big press (hence, "The Sopornos"), but why not go for a title that would really garner the world's attention: "Sword of the Prophet," starring whoever has the longest penis as Mohammed, Messenger of Allah. The boxcover alone, festooned with clear depictions of both Mohammed's face and, um, sword, would become well known across the planet in a fortnight.

(I am informed via certain private conversations that I've had over the years that our own Luke would be well qualified to star in such a movie.)

Luke, which of your bold brash porno pals has the balls to do this?

Allan MacDonell, Evan Wright, Jason Leopold Talk To LA Press Club Thursday Night

Listen to a .wav file of the hilarious discussion.

Video of Emmanuelle Richard, Marilyn Monroe on an old 8-Ball LA Press Club newsletter Video of two amazing beauties -- Emmanuelle Richard, Marilyn Monroe Video of Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield in 8-Ball Video of Cathy looking at old 8-Ball Video - David Shaw, right, in a 1971 8-Ball Video of a stripper in 8-Ball Video of Evan Wright, Allan MacDonell, Jason Leopold Video of Evan, Allan, Jason Video

Ben Sullivan, Luke, Steve Smith Luke, Allan MacDonell Allan MacDonell, Luke

Evan used to the Entertainment Editor of Hustler Magazine.

Former Hustler writers and editors Tim Kenneally, Dan Kapelovitz, and Mike Albo attended as did AVN's Mark Kernes and Variety's porn journalist Dana Harris.

Here's an excerpt from the official invite:

WHAT: A reception sponsored by Vampire for two now-sober journalistic troublemakers: Allan MacDonell , whose incendiary memoir, Prisoner of X: 20 Years in the Hole at Hustler Magazine (Feral House), has been featured in the NY Times, NY Post, Rolling Stone, Vanity Fair and NPR; and Jason Leopold , the obsessive-compulsive investigative journalist very much in the news lately . His News Junkie (Process) details the felonious conduct prior to his rise and fall at the Los Angeles Times, Salon and Dow Jones Newswires, and later his rise once again in the independent media.

FOLLOWED BY: A discussion with the two writers moderated by Evan Wright, whose bestselling Generation Kill, about American grunts in Iraq, won the 2005 PEN award for the best work of researched nonfiction.

WHY: Because Chuck (Fight Club) Palahniuk sez, "Prisoner of X is hours of guilty pleasure that pass like seconds. Here's the unsafe, hook-up sex of memoir. You'll need to indulge before the restraining orders pull this great book off of store shelves." Because Greg Palast ( The Best Democracy Money Can Buy) sez, "Every author in America should read News Junkie, then quit or riot." And Jason Leopold's TruthOut.org stories have been subpoenaed by Scooter Libby's attorney in Plamegate, and Jason's Halliburton in Iran story was selected for inclusion in this year's Project Censored collection.

I arrive at 6:30 p.m.

Dan wears these bizarre '70s-style plaid pants and Neal wears this bizarre red stain around his lips. Dan, a freelance writer, appears energetic while Neal, the Editorial Director of Rock Star magazine, appears paranoid, hunched over, and hammered on drugs. A couple of his female friends come up and ask if it is OK to smoke pot at the Press Club. In the end, the ladies go to their car to get stoned.

Jason Leopold looks like death warmed over. He's sweaty and nervous.

The discussion begins in the Steve Allen theater.

Jason: "It's really hard for me sitting up here. I feel horrible. This is a book I wrote in search of redemption. The difference now [with the book] is that I did everything right."

Leopold has a class-E felony conviction for grand theft and felony. He was a drug abuser while working as a journalist and his publishers had a couple of prominent retractions. "One of those two has since been proved true," says Jason. "Unfortunately, nobody has said, oh, you were right.

"I wrote over 2,000 stories but those were huge corrections, retractions."

Allan: "My name is Allan MacDonell. I've never been convicted of a felony. But I have been interested all my life in the underside.

"There are a lot of people here tonight who used to work for me at Hustler. One thing they all have in common is that they all left.

"I was fired after performing at a roast for Larry Flynt."

Evan: "Because you weren't funny?"

Allan: "I was funny.

"I wrote a book proposal. Finally, Adam Parfrey, publisher of Feral House, who wrote articles for me at Hustler 15 years ago, took a chance and gave me a huge advance -- two mortgage payments. I wrote the book in nine months while we were remodelling my house. It was written to the sound of jackhammers and tearing walls and a lot of Spanish.

"After Larry fired me, he offered me four weeks severance. The standard is one week per year of employment. That seemed punitive. The nice thing about that is that since I turned it down, I didn't sign anything. There are things (the Ted Turner, Jane Fonda sex tape and the scam on Republican representative Bob Livingstone, the then-speaker-elect of the House) in this book that people would never have known about and gotten me play in the press. Larry did me a favor."

James Frey wrote a blurb for Leopold's book that was hastily withdrawn by Jason's publisher when Frey's scandal broke.

When Jason called the police for his criminal record, the officer asked him if he was writing a book.

Allan says the most embarrassing thing he revealed his book was when he told Larry Flynt, in front of 500 people, that he loved him. Allan says you shouldn't profess love in front of a crowd unless you're getting married.

Allan: "I like that the magazine was completely independent. There's no corporate sponsorship for Hustler magazine. You can write anything you want. Initially Larry was very drugged. There was no input there. After a while, I started making money.

"There aren't many magazine jobs. It's a tight fraternity.

"You got to do everything at Hustler that you can do at a high-grade magazine only it was this low-grade magazine.

"I have this thing about criminals. Larry knows criminals. I met this high-end book at Larry's house. I remember Larry being on the phone with Reuben Sturman, the highest-ranking unindicted mobster in the US."

Evan: "He was like the George Washington of porn."

Allan: "I felt like this big-shot. I got this attitude. It was like the Sopranos only no one was getting killed. You could use profanity. I loved it.

"Larry created the template for Hustler. The things that irritated Larry irritated me -- corporate structure, celebrities...

"I wrote Asshole of the Month for the 1990s, 13 a year. The column was sarcastic and assaultive. It was the next thing to libel [though Allan was never threatened with a libel suit over it]. Writing Asshole of the Month saved many of my relationships. It was a great outlet. I got to give a point of view sorely underrepresented in the mainstream media -- mine.

"I was to Larry Flynt what Josef Goebbels was to Hitler. I was at his wedding, he was at mine.

"The book wasn't written with any malice to Larry Flynt. In ways I admire Larry. He's a tough guy, a force of nature. For some time, he was so catatonic on drugs, people thought he wasn't there. Because of my own experiences with drugs, I knew he was there. He had thoughts. He just couldn't get them out."

Evan: "We used to call him Humpty Dumpty."

Allan: "He was just Humpty."

Jason: "I'm able to cultivate sources by being vulnerable."

Evan notes that this is a trick of con men such as Ice Man Slim. "When you do that, it immediately ages the friendship."

Jason: "I would tell them my secret [his felony] and thus they could destroy me..."

About Larry Flynt's war on Republican politicians in 1998: "We weren't doing any reporting at all. We were just paying people money for information."

Wright says that Allan's book reads like a tale of his unrequited love for Larry Flynt.

Allan: "Many conspiracy theorists believe that Woody Harrelson's father was the gunman on the grassy knoll [who killed President Kennedy]. And they make a compelling case."

German guy in the audience: "Why does Hustler make their cover girls look like they're dipped in oil?"

Allan: "They dip her in oil."

Evan: "Then they kill her afterwards."

Allan: "It's motion enhancement. It makes her look so excited that she's exuding this oil."

MacDonell says Hustler magazine is "indefensible."

Porners And Their Incomes

Khunrum writes:

Luke, Have you given any thought to becoming a Mutual Fund Salesperson? I'm serious buddy. This idea of mine will get you out of The Hovel and into some nice digs. You'll be driving a new car. Jewish Community leaders, who now go out of their way to avoid you, will tip their yarmulkes and shake your hand.

These porners seem to be making a decent buck (that is if they are telling the truth, which is doubtful). They'll need to invest for a rainy day when the viagra no longer kicks in, when the tits and arse are no longer sellable. With your connections you could be helping these folks spruce up the 401K.

You already have the black suit, what you need now is an attache' case, a firm handshake and a winning smile. Picture the business card...."Luke F-rd, Investment Counselor to the Stars (porn category)"...or better yet "Luke F-rd....Porn Star Investing." Why you could also sell them an AIDs rider just in case. That's it, don't be a loser, get busy.

Chaim writes: "No one who knows Luke from porn will ever look to him for investment advice. A better course of action would be for him to use what he has to sleep his way (preferably with a woman) to a better gig."

Bob writes:

It is time for Luke to pierce the veil and become a full time porn performer. Of course, he'd be condom and yarmulke only.

Is Rob Spallone afraid that the horrid reviews for Ron Howard's "The Davinci Code" might lower the gross of his own masterpiece "The Davinci Load"? It's not fair that Spallone's art might suffer due to Tom Hanks wooden acting and the film's glacial paced plot.

Enough!

Gdiddy writes on XPT: "I would rather claw my own eyes out than read another Holly Randall/Mary Carey/Kendra Jade story. He's slowly killing us all with that s---."

Why Hillary Scott Is Now Britney Rears - The True Hollywood Story

A source emails me (and I forwarded it to Jeff Mullen at All Media Play Thursday afternoon for a response):

You reported someone said that it's nice Hillary Scott is now Britney Rears cuz she deserves a nice payday. Well, the nice payday, or lack of one, was why Jessica Sweet quit being britney. Apparently, there were plenty of nice paydays for All Media Play and there were lots of promises made to Jessica and she did lot of special appearances and all that sort of stuff but, according to her, somehow, she never got paid for any of it.

I'm sure Jessica got paid the amount that was agreed upon.

Another source emails: "Luke, I have to put my two cents on this one. The former Britney Rears AKA Jessica Sweet was paid what she deserved. It is my understanding that getting her to do any PR, appearances and/or scenes, was like pulling teeth. She had some grand idea that she should have been a millionaire from being Britney Rears. Truth is, she is as sharp as a marble and barely knew what she was doing in the first place. Jeff Mullen created Britney Rears not her!"

What was it Voltaire said after declining to attend a second orgy?

"Once, a philosopher. Twice, a pervert."

Author Nick East Launches His Blog

He writes on Xpeeps:

Have you ever had a beautiful woman suck on the toes of one of your feet while an equally beautiful woman was sucking on the toes of your other foot? Well, let me tell you. It is PURE HEAVEN!!! And they paid me for it too!!! God I love my job. Anyway, welcome to my new blog! Here you will eventually learn all of my secrets and know me as well if not better than I know myself. Opinions are appreciated as long as they're nice so feel free to drop me a line and tell me about the last time two beautiful women were sucking on your toes, k?

Monday, May 15, 2006 Nothing really happened today. I was supposed to work for Tom Z but he canceled at the last minute. Dammit, I was looking forward to the scene too. It was going to be with four girls and myself acting as a roman emperor. I was going to tell them what I wanted and they'd have to do it! But instead I plan on getting out and playing my guitar and singing at an invite mic night down the road. As a matter of fact, I'm going to shut down this thing and leave before it gets too late. Check back with me soon and I swear there'll be lots of stories to tell.

Nick East writes me: "I just started looking for a new roommate! If you know anyone looking to move to North Hollywood to live with a porn star, just let me know, k?"

Shelby Steele Declares Rap Minstrel Music

It is blacks selling a comic cartoonish vision of black life. We've always known how to entertain whites that way. It's an old tragic pattern. Eighty percent of rap CDs are sold to whites which they listen to when they're done studying for their SATs. It's blacks who listen to it and take it seriously.