Crystal Klein Interview

I call her in Hawaii Tuesday afternoon, February 8, 2005.

She is Penthouse magazine's Miss March, 2005 and the best known Austrian artist since a little nipper by the name of Adolph tried took the country by storm with his lightning techniques (check out his composition and form) about 68-years ago.

Here are some pictures of Crystal from Rob Spallone's Penthouse video shoot December 29, 2004: Crystal Crystal Crystal Crystal Crystal Crystal, Dani Crystal, Dani, Charmane Star Crystal, Dani Woodward, Charmane

[Crystal writes: "I HATE those pics you took of me at the Penthouse video shoot! I look like a hundred year old granny with three inches of make up on.No one ever took such bad pictures of me. I must say you are quite untalented as a photographer. You better stick to writing!"]

I spent much of Friday night (Jan 7) and Saturday morning (Jan 8) with Crystal and her surfer boyfriend as we each worshipped in our own way at the Central Bar at the Venetian and the New Beginnings ballroom.

You can only imagine Crystal's delight when she heard my Aussie-accented tones on her telephone this afternoon. Her heart leapt with joy as she anticipated our intellectual journey.

The last time she had known such wild ecstacy was when she posed naked for photographer Robert Gordon.

Luke: "When you were a little girl, what did you want to be when you grew up?"

Crystal laughs. English is her second language after German and she speaks it with a British accent similar to her boyfriend's.

[She writes later: "Well, second language is a bit exaggerated but I guess you could say so. I learned it in school but that doesn't count really (it is pathetic what you learn). I really learned it two years ago when I moved here [Maui]... Speaking a language is always the best way to learn it...Oh, and the language "Austrian" does not really exist. My actual mother tongue is German, but I guess you could say the difference between German German and Austrian German is like British and American English. I speak Italian too. I have relatives there."]

"Adult model was far away from my imagination. I want to be, how do you say it, a philosophist?"

Luke: "A philosopher."

Crystal: "Yes."

Luke: "Why did you want to be a philosopher?"

Crystal: "I was always introverted and I had weird thoughts going on. I consider myself quite clever."

We laugh.

[Crystal writes later: "Funny twist there with your 'English is her second language' and then my 'philosophist' and then my 'I consider myself clever.' Next time I'll prepare myself for talking to you, hehe... That's not gonna happen again!"]

Crystal: "When I was young, I thought I was some kind of genius, and I thought, that's the right profession for me. My mom studied philosophy. I knew a lot about it. I obviously thought I was really really clever..."

My childhood thoughts about myself were similar.

Crystal: "The older I got, the more I knew you have to be super clever [to be a philosopher]. I know it sounds weird, but I have diary entries where I wrote, 'I'm so different from all the others. I think so differently. But maybe one day that will be for my advantage. I'll be a great philosopher."

Luke: "Which philosopher was your hero?"

Crystal: "Kant, Schopenhauer and Descartes. None of the old Greek ones."

Crystal grew up in Austria but left when she was 20 for Hawaii where she met her English surfer boyfriend.

Luke: "What did your family expect you to become?"

Crystal: "Everyone expected me to study. We are an academic family. My parents are both teachers."

According to her Penthouse spread:

"I studied psychology at the University of Vienna [for two years] and got burned out. My whole life was school. I knew there was so much more for me to experience outside of class.

"I'm not like a lot of models," adds 34-25-35 Crystal. "I don't crave celebrity. I can be a party girl, but I'd much rather spend my time reading, playing piano, or enjoying the company of a good man.

"In my opinion, the secret to great sex is not technique. It's about making a connection with your partner. If I click with a man, everything else just slides into place."

As Crystal talked to me, she felt like she was riding a great wave, she was cresting a thought that had overpowered her entire being.

"I did enjoy studying psychology. I did not enjoy where I was [Vienna] and where I was studying. I always felt like I had to get out of Austria and I always knew I would."

Luke: "How did you come to start posing naked?"

Crystal laughs: "That's always a weird one, isn't it? When I moved to Maui [January 2003], I took some time off because I was burned out from university. Then the money issue came up obviously. I didn't feel like going back to Vienna to continue studying.

"So I said, what the hell, let me see if I can do modeling. I started with swimsuit modeling. There was this guy. He's a real asshole and scumbag. I didn't know [he was]. He took the first nude pictures of me. He's not even a real photographer. He's still around on the island, still doing his thing. Chuck Turner. He photographs girls for all the amateur contests in the magazines like Hustler's Beaver Hunt.

"I didn't know any better. I had never done nude modeling before. But I picked it up quickly. Then an agent (John Stephens from Matrix Models) discovered me on the Internet. I flew to LA and I got shot by Suze Randall, Earl Miller, Stephen Hicks and so on."

Luke: "How has posing naked affected your views on philosophy?"

Crystal, long pause: "Well, quite a lot, I guess. I have no problem with what I am doing. But I am aware that's just because you get real used to it. Once you've done it, you can do it again because you've done it and you say, oh well, that's not so bad. Then you do it again and you just get used to it.

"I do know that it is kind of a contradiction in a lot of ways from what I thought earlier. But as you grow older, your views change.

"I'm not saying that I am ok with everything that goes on in the industry and that I am 100% nude model. I'm not a feminist obviously. I couldn't be with what I am doing. But I understand their point of view as well.

"I am definitely going back to school [as soon as she can afford it]. It's hard for me right now because I am not a resident and I can't afford it without major changes in my lifestyle. When I become a citizen or a resident, then definitely go back to studying. I know that is what I am going to do when I am older. I am not going to do this forever."

Luke: "Are you going back to study psychology?"

Crystal: "For sure."

I get an email from Lainie Speiser, Penthouse publicist.

Luke: "Huh."

Crystal: "Huh, what?"

[Crystal writes later: "Oh, now I figured out that long awkward pause before you asked me if I wanted to be a psychotherapist! Lainie! Yeah, she called me right afterwards and complained about you. I enjoyed that quite a lot heheh. Yep, you are in trouble! I told her I've known you from before and that I don't have a problem with it. I couldn't prevent myself from saying that you are a psychopath."]

Damn, she's caught me. Women can do that. They know when you are not concentrating on them. When you are not listening.

Trying to cover myself, I say: "I was just wondering..."

I search my mind for a coherent question. "What direction you would go. So..."

A long pause. I try to put together my question and digest Lainie's email. "Do you want to be a psychologist or do you want to, uh...?"

Can't go wrong with that, I figure.

Crystal: "Yes, I want to be a psycho-therapist."

Luke, reading another Lainie email, breaths out. "Ok."

Crystal: "Not a psycho-analyst."

Luke, trying to figure out how to reply to Lainie: "Not a psycho-analyst?"

Crystal: "Nope."

Luke types out a quick email to Lainie.

Luke: "So..."

Luke hits send.

"What struck you? What got your attention during your time in Las Vegas at the [porn] convention?"

Crystal: "What I view as the main problem in the whole industry is that everything becomes normal for everyone. I don't want that to happen to me. I don't condemn the porn chicks for what they're doing, but I can see how it works. They live in their own world. It's a porn world where it all gets normal. They don't see from the outside anymore. Most of them hang out with other porn people. They really do view themselves as stars. I think that's sad. What have they achieved? It's not something they can be totally proud of if you suck someone's cock.

"What I'm doing is a good job. It's good money. I'm comfortable with what I'm doing. I am aware that it is not something that I would go out in the world and say, 'Oh, look at me. I'm so great. I did this and that.' But if you spend too much time in the industry with certain people you tend to think like that."

Luke: "I take it you are not looking forward to winning an AVN award one day?"

Crystal laughs: "No. It's not one of my goals."

I get another email from Lainie. I pause to read it and go with a fallback question: "How would the people who know you really well describe your personality?"

Crystal: "They know that I'm introverted. I can be outgoing but I am someone who spends a lot of time alone. I need my own space. I need very few friends. I know a lot of people but I don't let many people get close. I read a lot. I need that time to relax when I am on my own because it really drains me being with people all the time. If I go to Las Vegas, it's fun for a day or two but I can't do it for a week in a row.

"I can enjoy partying once in a while. Once a month. Don't really enjoy it. Other than that, I enjoy being in my own little world."

Luke: "What are the best books you've read lately?"

Crystal: "There are two that I really like (Going Down, High Maintenance) by Jennifer Belle. I told you about them before. Her books are very sarcastic and very realistic. It's black humor. It makes me laugh out loud."

Luke: "I've been trying to think of some Austrian jokes but I've come up empty.

"Who's your favorite Austrian artist?"

Crystal: "There are no amazing artists anymore. Mozart is cool."

Luke: "And that painter named Adolph."

Crystal: "Oh yes. I'm not really proud of that one. Most people think he's German. They don't know he was born in Austria."

3/1/05

Gene Ross writes:

3/20/06

Crystal Klein and her fiance Rich have been staying with Holly since last Thursday.

Hobbling up the steps, carrying dogfood, Holly hands over the phone to Crystal.

Luke: "Is Holly getting you high every day?"

On New Year's Eve, Holly got Crystal high and the poor girl was knocked out for hours and had a split headache. Holly is a heavy stoner and so she was barely buzzed.

Crystal says she's not getting high this trip.

Luke: "Has she cooked for you?"

Crystal: "No."

Crystal's annoyed that I labelled a bunch of photos of Jamie Lynn in Las Vegas as "Crystal Klein."

Luke: "All you hos blur together."

Crystal: "Between Holly and me, who do you think was the bulldyke and who was the lipstick lesbian?"

Crystal claims that the members of her website crystalklein.com know "I'm smart. I have smart members, if you can say about members of a porn site. They're smart. They're not working class. They respect me."

Luke: "They respect you for what?"

Crystal: "For being smart.

"There's no bad talking on my message boards.

"You've wrecked Holly for me.

"If you knew what I know about you. She broke you. I know what you called her in bed. Your morals have changed."

Luke: "That's her fault. She made me use language in bed that I have never used before. I've never degraded a woman in bed before or pulled her hair or called her degrading names and made her do degrading things. I've never slapped a woman before or bit her."

I am shocked and appalled that my most private confidences with Holly have been violated. I just don't feel safe anymore having emotionally unprotected sex.

Crystal: "I love it, Luke. Call me something dirty."

Luke: "I can't. I'm never going there again. It's not my true self."

Crystal: "That is your true self and you're just shocked about that."

Luke: "I am never going to act like that again."

Crystal: "Yes you are. If Holly said, 'Come on over. Slap me in the face and call me a whore.'"

Luke: "I would say no. 'I am distancing myself because this is not what God wants for our lives.'

"You think I'm driven by my penis? That if Holly gave me the time of day, I'd be over there trying to stick it inside of her?"

Crystal laughs. "You're talking dirty already."

Luke: "I was trying to make a moral point about the degradation of women in our society and how I am opposed to it."

Crystal: "I should write a story about you. It's fascinating. I want to bring in my point of view.

"I am not as dirty as Holly but I'm certainly dirtier than you."

Luke: "Holly is a dirty little whore."

Crystal: "You just said it again."

Luke: "I don't like using that language. It's not the real me."

Crystal: "If you haven't used that language before does not mean it is not the real you.

"You strike me as the type of guy who restrains himself.

"Come on my couch. I'm going to help you. I've helped a lot of people. I'm really clever when it comes to that. I have a lot of empathy. I get people. I just need to find out a little bit more about you."

Luke: "Would you help me be the true man that I know I can be?"

Crystal: "Can you not be sarcastic for once?"

Luke: "Can you explain Holly to me?"

Crystal: "Yes, I could, but not right now."

4/20/06

Penthouse Pet Crystal Klein Counsels Photographer Holly Randall

Crystal writes to Holly's blog entry about pushing people away:

Holly, I don't claim to know you from the inside out, but spending a little bit of time at your place now and again, I got at least a little insight into what makes you tick.

There is something positive about your desire to be alone most of the time. You might be surprised, but the majority of people actually have to learn that their very own presence can (or rather should be) enough. Why? Because it means no distraction. No distraction from your thoughts, no distraction from your real desires, no distraction from asking this very question you are asking here: "who am I?"

I've got a couple of friends who are indcredibly jubilent and bubbly 99% of the time, and I used to envy them for it, wondering how the hell they do it. Until I realised that they are only able to feel that way when around people. Don't get me wrong, they don't wear a mask or pretend, they really are happy in social circumstances; however, on the rare occasion they find themselves alone, all hell breaks loose. Every single time. How do I know that? Because I get desperate and depressed phone calls from them only then.

And that's a comman phenomenon.

Being able to enjoy one's own company is one of the hardest things to do. Take me for example: I love being all by myself, doing whatever the hell I wanna do. I crave it whenever I've been around people for only half a day. I just wanna get the hell out of there. It's emotionally draining for me. I enjoy being on my own for the rest of the day, but leave me alone for a few more days, and I become...how do I put it... strange. I don't motivate myself to do anything, I won't leave the house, I can't get the easiest daily routines done (my dishes will sit in the sink until I get busted) and my creativity goes down the toilet. Bottomline is: I still haven't learned to be my own best friend and be content with my own company.

So, if you don't develop any of those symptoms above while being alone, be insured you are a mile ahead of most people out there. They might just not be aware of their problem because they avoid exposing themselves to a situation where they really are on their own for a while - for obvious reasons.

Now, as to why you seem to push people (and men in particular) away most of the time, I obviously can't give you a right answer. However, let's play with the following theory, even if I might be completely wrong: first of all, you are obviously a very smart person. An intellectual I dare to say. People like you tend to criticize and scrutinize every little tiny detail about themselves...and more often than not, they are not entirely happy with their analysis of themselves.

Although you would probably not ever want to be anyone else because you know how smart, witty and talented you are, chances are that you are also very aware of your flaws...and maybe, to a certain extent, fear you are not as great as everyone thinks...or as you think yourself. By letting someone into your life completely (and we are talking living together), you risk sharing more of yourself than you could handle. You fear you might have lived in an illusion and your guy will make you discover that you are not as smart, or as witty, or as social, or as stable, or as talented as everyone else perceives you.

Your comment about having been rejected only very few times seems to support the case I am trying to make....because really, only those that won't let people a in all the way, will not be rejected. Imperfections don't surface, weaknesses are not shown, insecurities don't exist. You are able to just show your strong sides....and who would reject that?

God, have I been rejected a thousand times because of my real nature, and damn is it hard for me to show the real me because of that. I have pushed people away till I was 18, although all the guys adored me, but because I couldn't risk having them find out that I might not be as cool as I seem, I kept them at distance in order to be able to continue to enjoy their endless admiration. Until my first boyfriend broke my mold.

He had been after me for five full years, and adored me to an extent that was almost ridiculous. I met him at 13 and had an immediate crush on him. Until he confessed his endless love for me. Although I enjoyed the following years of being pursued and adored by him tremendously, I also felt...repulsion. I was asking myself why the hell he would think of me so much when he didn't even know me. And I looked down on him for feeling that way for someone....like me. To this day I cannot believe that he got me in the end. I am unbelievably grateful for that though. From feeling disgusted by a simple hug from him, I went to appointing him the one to take my virginity...and to be my first love.

I don't know exactly how it happened, all I know is that gradually I let him in ( I had no choice, he was always around me), and by doing so I also discovered that he still looked at me with the same adoration...although he got to know everything that I always feared to share. And geez, was that a freeing experience. Ever since then I have come to realise that most people will love me even when they really, really know me. And it has made me feel much better about myself. I have had my fair share of rejection since then as well, but I'm glad I did. I wouldn't have learned as much as I did about myself otherwise. So, I'm just sharing this experience with you in order to maybe make you see yourself in it at all....and maybe take something with you.

If you don't ever ever allow anyone in completely, you might never experience that which you are searching for. Because you don't allow it to happen. And you don't allow yourself to like everything you are to the full extent. I would have never thought that I can spend almost 24/7 with the same person...for almost 4 years now. The trick is to give up everything you ever pretended to be, and let the other person see you as you see yourself. Then, only then, will being around someone for a large amount of time not evoke panic reactions, but fill you with comfort. Because you can be everything you'd be if you were on your own. Without being judged for funny habits or annyoing flaws. It's quite an amazing thing.

Being around people is most of the time still exhausting for me. I like it for a limited time, but I can only take so much. Why? Because although they all perceive me as a socially skilled and emotionally open person, deep inside I am not. But I wouldn't wanna come across any other way. That's why it drains me. Because I can't let go and be myself all the way in front of everyboday. And I don't have to be. Because I am loved by those that really know me, and therefore I've come to terms with the fact that at heart, I am a loner. And so should you.

6/14/06

She writes (her website is www.crystalklein.com):

I am a centerfold. You could also say I am a nude, a glamour or an adult model. Fine with me. In-your-face porn sites and tgps often like to call me a pornstar, a pornographic model or an adult entertainer. Not particularlly thrilled about that one.

If you fail to see the difference and wanna call it a mere play on words, be assured you are not the only one. I don't even blame you. There are far more important issues plageuing this planet that don't get the attention they deserve, so I am certainly not claiming that my personal ambivalent relationship with terms being used in the adult industry is an incredibly urging matter. However, if you've got a minute to spare, lean back in your chair and take a quick journey into the world of someone who might make a living taking her clothes off, but has neither ever done so in front of a male audience around a dancer pole nor ever put a single foot onto the set of porn movie - which makes me quite the alien for most who try to categorize anything and anyone, and especially for those who watch the adult scene from afar (the computerscreen, most likely).

Point is, that being thrown in one pot with all the many different players running around on the huge field of "adult entertainment" and consequently having to face prejudices and contempt where it sometimes isn't accurate, can be draining at times - for me as well as so many other successful and established softcore models like Aria Giovanni, Jelena Jensen or Aimee Sweet.

I don't think any of the girls mentioned above (including myself) ever dreamed of a career that partly consists being naked all over magazines and the internet. I don't think any of us ever wanted to be any kind of model. None of us were aiming at breaking into the more "prestigious" scene of high fashion or trying to be the face of a major cosmetic concern who - after failing miserably - desperately tried to hold on to the last straw on the way to some kind of fame and seeked comfort in the adult industry. Naw-aw. Not how it went down. At all.

None of us is necessarily one to seak acknowledgement by being put in the spotlight, although I will not deny that anyone working in front of a camera (and I'm referring to any kind of entertainment field) must have a certain amount of narcissism streaming through their blood. Still, we didn't necessarily look for it. I guess you can say we stumbled across the adult scene, so to speak. It was an opportunity to make quite a bit of money in young years, and we took it in order to get to where we wanted to be in later years (may it be another career, a house, a family or all of them) WAY quicker.

I, for my part,.was an immigrant without an official permission to work and without incredibly loaded parents willing to pay the ridiculous amount of money it takes for a foreigner to study here in the United States.

One might argue that I should have just continued studying in Austria instead of leaving my very successful uni career behind just so I'd end up taking my clothes off in front of the camera. Legitimate reasoning in the right circumstances. Not in mine. I was extremely unhappy with myself, the city, the general atmosphere surrounding me. It's hard to describe what exactly it was...but if you've ever known the feeling of "not fitting in", you kind of got my point.

Everytime I pictured myself finishing my degree there, buying a home and raising my kids in the very environment that failed to make their mother happy, my discomfort grew. I could have chosen a safe and predictable life, risking having to grind down nagging "what if"- scenarios popping into my mind again and again, and living with a rather persistant compagnion of the unpromising name "regret" on my side till the end of my days....

Well, long story short: I didn't. My happiness was and still is simply more important to me than going the most comfortable and easiest path when in turn I have to sacrifice my emotional well-being. I've seen dozens of friends doing exactly that, afraid to break out of a familiar comfort zone, afraid to leave certain commodities behind, afraid to have to start anew without the parents' oh-so-comforting safety net....and damn was I scared to do just that. However, I, for my part, knew I had to do something. Well, we all know I ended up in Maui.

Most of you also know how and why I started as a nude model...I don't really want to dwell on that, it has become quite a boring story for me to tell over years of being asked the same question again and again; be it in interviews, by friends or random people fascinated by the adult market.

The point of this lil' monologue of mine is not to tell you how I've become a centerfold, it's to explain how it feels to be one. Having managed some models myself in the past and the present, I have seen the same sequence of emotions again and again. I guess if there was scale of typcial career syndromes, you'd classify the follwing an inevitable classic. At the very, very beginning (probably even before your first nude shoot) you question if this is gonna harm you in any way at a later stage in life and you are very hesitant to just go for it. It's not necessarily that you yourself have a problem with nudity (I certainly didn't), but you are well aware that your hypocritical environment with its double moral standards has.

So you are very private about it and don't tell a soul; out of insecurity,doubts, fear of consequences and the shocked faces you are likely to encounter. Once you have a couple of professional photoshoots in your pocket and the first magazines are about to hit the newsstands, you are incredibly excited. You have experienced how it feels to be treated like a princess, what with all those stylists, make-up artists and photographer's assistants buzzing around you with the only mission to make you look like a Sex-Goddess; you have experienced all major glamour photographers standing in line to be the next to shoot your pictures, and with a bam everyone seems to know your name. Well, obviously not everyone at all. But once you've entered what I call "the bubble", you are under the impression this very bubble is the whole world. It's about to become your world from the very moment you've chosen your stage name and have seen it printed below your first centerfold layout.

Next thing you know, you feel like you are the hottest piece of ass to ever walk this planet, and you feel like from now on you are capable of just about ANYTHING, including saving the world and marrying Johnny Depp. It's both funny and frustrating at the same time for me to watch new gorgeous girls that have potential to be the next IT-girl of the moment go through exactly this process every single time. No matter how smart the girl is, no matter how well I try to prepare her for what is coming next -warning her about this first enormous craze about her persona -she is still gonna fall for it. It seems to be a deep-rooted human trait to be so vulnerable to public attention, especially if you have never been exposed to it before; and only few manage to see the shallowness and perishability of it all in foreseeable time.

The majority in my biz is going to spend all the money they make the first year, since it seems to just keep on flowing, and they are going to be daydreaming about the three mansions they believe to be buying very soon. All until the next gorgous face and pair of tits comes along. Then it's time to wake up and face reality for the first time. Jobs are getting rarer since everyone has shot you a gazillion times and the demand for fresh meat never dies, and the cash flow slowly decreases.

This is the turning point for a lot of centerfolds. Some might vanish from the face of the earth, dropping out of the industry forever or at least for a good amount of time, completely discouraged. As sad as it sounds, you will find a lot of them behind some Mc Donalds counter afterwards. Most, however, will refuse to give up their financial freedom and their control of their working and pasttime hours. And besides, you are kinda too deep into it not to make the most out of it.

So, what is there left to do? The easiest, and most tempting option, is the one that will guarantee you not only more jobs, but also more money: going harder. Be it using toys, starting to do hardcore girl/girl movies or going all the way straight into hardcore porn, boy meets girl. Every single Playmate or Penthouse Pet with potential will be asked to do one or the other at some point in her career. The challenge is to say no and still be able to profit from an industry that you might as well make use of, considering the very same industry didn't hesitate to took advantage of you so far. Identifying and predefining your options and boundaries is hereby the key, so save your energy and focus for goals you can achieve realistically.

You need to be extremely strong willed in a male-dominated business and be able to stand your ground at any time. Don't be afraid to say no, don't be afraid to be called a prima-donna (a fav in the biz for those who dare to speak spell out their own conditions) and most of all don't be afraid to be the tough businesswoman you need to be - you'll earn the respect you deserve. Danni Ashe did it, Aria Giovanni did it, and so did the rest of us mentioned above.

Of course timing is always the key, and the later you got into this game, the harder it is to hit it big in an entertainment world that is flooded with "talent" these days. The ulitmate trick is to turn your name into a brand and to find your own niche. Let the world know you are not just a face and a body captured on film, but that you are well capable of running a successful business.

You can say what you want, to be self-employed and financially independent without ever overstepping your personal moral boundaries is not that bad of a personal resume for a mid-twenty year old. Standing up for yourself and declaring your limits to an industry that constantly tries to tell you you can't make it in the adult market if you don't go all the way, and proving them all wrong is an achievment that shouldn't be underestimated. You need to be mentally pretty strong, as you can probably imagine that prejudices are not uncommon for us to encounter...I remember what a big commotion it caused in my home town when the first newspapers wrote about me (although all of them in a positive and rather "proud":way of their Austrian export) and how - when I came back to visit - people would stare at me and whisper about me without trying to hide it. To be honest, it never bothered me. If anything, it amused me. I became the witness of the most absurd rumors concerning my modeling career ( my business obviously went bankrupt and I had to live on the street; and my fiance was a pornstar and forced me into this business ), and I have to admit that leaving people in the dark about the actual truth might have given me a bit of a...kick. You can't help but find it immensely entertaining if the most talked about topic in town for about half a year or longer is the private and professional life of a nude model. I had to seriously wonder how boring some people's lives had to be. All I ever cared about was what my family and those that I loved thought about it - and although I wouldn't have given up my job because of any possible disapproval of any of them, I must say that I might have quit if people in my home town would have given my family a hard time about it.

See, I didn't live there anymore, so I didn't care anyway, but my family did, and I wouldn't have wanted them to endure any kind of ostracizing or hassle from others on behalf of me. I firmly believe that you should always keep in mind how your actions affect those that you love and act accordingly. Luckily for all of us though, the interest about my persona died soon after people at home realised I wasn't some confused good-girl-gone-bad youngster, but I was in it for the long run, with a calculated business plan - and my success over the years must have silenced their sharp tongues. Anyway, despite all those obstacles (and I'm sure my fellow model friends Aria, Aimee or Jelena encountered similiar ones) we all turned things around and made our name a brand that we ourselves not only profit from but that we created by hard work, a strong business sense and yes, - brains.If you talked to any of the girls I mentioned in person, you'd instantly see for yourself that they are all very well-read, articulate and expressive. In fact, those are some of the smartest girls I have ever met. I continue to be impressed by how versatile, strong-willed and ambitous they are. And as strange as it may sound considering we might ver ywell represent a red flag to all feminists, they all embrace their womanhood in a way feminists could not possibly disapprove of.

Not only doesn't any of us equate sexuality with beauty (and by all means, there are miles between being physically pretty and feeling sexy), but we all are perfectly comfortable in our bodies, never obsessing about certain body parts or face features like so many other women in and out of the spotlight do in an almost fanatical manner. Any kind of enhancement of plastic surgery is out of question for us. And that's not because we are in any way perfect, or human's answer to barbie dolls. If you put all of us in a line next to each other, you couldn't find women physically more different. Long and slim, busty and voluptous, athletic and slender; brunette, blonde and red; tan and pale - you'd find it all. Stereotypes don't exist for nude models, therefore the harmful competitive urge that you find in so many other entertainment fields among women ceizes to apply. We all pull on the same string. Has male recognization made us as confident with our sexuality and as comfortable in our bodies as we are? I cannot completely deny that I was quite amazed by the effect nude pictures of me had on the average male adult consumer (after all, I'm one of those who didn't have the foggiest notion of the fact that I was blessed with quite a nice set of boobs for example; I was one of those late bloomers who starred self consciously at the other girls' big breasts in the shower after Phd lessons).

However, I can confidently say that my personal sexual life has never either profited nor suffered from the way the male audience reacted to my pictures. I have always been fully aware of the fact that all they get to see is a mere copy of the real me, magnetized on a piece of film. I guess you can say I'm "in character" similar to actors as soon as I step in front of the lens. I am playing a role. And maybe that's the very reason why it doesn't bother me that quite a few men out there might get...um..."excited" when they look at my pictures. Because it is not me. I don't sell my body. I sell images of it. Illusions of it. And to be honest, most of my "fans" are fully aware of that. They don't join my website in expectation of highly explicit hardcore acton they can pleasure themselves to - there is plenty of more suitable material anywhere on the net. They like to see a glimpse of the real person that is behind the mask of the images. And I am quite happy to share a bit of it with them, showing them that us centerfold are not perfect, and do not look the way we do in highly polished glamour shoots when we wake up in the morning.

We are not trying to fool anyone. We are all playing with a fantasy, and as long as everyone is aware of that, I can not see much harm in it. That being said, I really have never regret my decision to become a nude model that soon turned into a centerfold. I had some ups and some downs, but all in all I had a blast along the way. It enabled me to travel to places I would otherwise not have seen,and it allowed me to find a richer life by giving me enough free time to indulge into activities that soon became passions; like writing, music and all those wonderful outdoor sports I came to love here on Maui. And among other welcome sideeffects, I was also forced to grow a thick skin, I developed business skills and the "booksmart" turned "streetsmart". Still, I have not put my academic education on the back burner: in my free time you can still find me squatting knee-deep in a pile of psychology books, and I am happy to say that I saved enough money to finally get my PhD....starting at the end of this year. See you on my couch?