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Holly Randall Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four

6/1/06

Live-Blogging AVN Afternoons

I tune in to YNOTradio.com at 1 p.m. to hear people talking over the top of the hour news. Then the hosts introduce Holly Randall as a photographer and "director." Yeah, Holly's a director like I'm a moral leader and Herschel Savage is the equal of Robert DeNiro.

I've been listening for 15 minutes and yet to hear anything compelling.

Snore.

This is my first time and last time listening to this show.

The first 20 minutes are a clumbsy read of of previously published news articles and party updates while the advertising for the show boasts that it puts you ahead of the curve. If you want the porn news, you can catch it in a minute or two by scanning the news sites. Who wants to waste 20 minutes having yesterday's news read to you by people with no radio skills?

1:25 p.m. Holly comes on.

MJ McMahon: "You knew we'd have to talk about Luke."

Holly: "I figured that would come up."

Aimee Sweet: "Let's get it over with. Luke's blog Lukeisback.com always has little anecdotes about you. What exactly is your relationship with Luke?"

Holly: "Luke and I are very good friends. I threw him a 40th birthday party at my house Monday. It was the first time I'd seen Luke as the center of attention. Usually he's there merely as the observer and leaves. Usually the model is the center of attention.

"When he first walked in, he was so excited about his party, you know how Rodney Dangerfield was in Caddyshack? He's cracking jokes. He goes, 'I said to Holly the other day, 'Can I buy you a drink?' She said no. It hurts my legs. 'It makes them swell?' 'No, it makes them spread.'

"Luke, that was a great joke. I've been repeating it constantly."

Aimee: You have your conversations with Luke posted on his website.

MJ: "What's up with that? Does that ever get annoying or intrusive?"

Holly: "We've had our clashes about it. But I'm a very open person. I'll tell you anything about my life. I don't have anything to hide. I don't take myself as seriously as most people do. When I'd read something about me that was funny and slightly disparaging, I would laugh harder than anybody else."

Aimee: "Did Luke ever write anything that pissed you off?"

Holly: "He did go into a little bit too intimate of detail about one of our sessions. I asked him to remove, which he promptly did. But of course he's going to have it in the last chapter of his next book."

MJ: "If you need something taken down from Luke's website, call Holly Randall."

1:28 p.m. Now I'm embarrassed. I can't believe I've been ripping on Holly's friend earlier in this blog.

MJ: "You said you guys were friends. I heard you dated for a while."

Holly: "Yeah. I said we were friends now.

"We had actually met at AVN. We were walking down the red carpet [at the awards]. It was my first time walking down the red carpet. I was dazzled. He stopped us and interviewed us for 30 seconds. He hardly asked us anything. We were obviously not interesting to him.

"I didn't remember that meeting because it was such a hectic night.

"When I met him again at the Nightmoves awards [ten months later], that's when we started talking. Luke and I live in a parallel universe. We've very similar in a lot of ways. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere. Luke's always had that feeling as well.

"When we were at the show, he was standing there reading in the corner and I was feeling really out of place. And so I went up to him and started talking and found out that we had a lot more in common. He seemed easier for me to relate to than a lot of other people there.

"That's how we started. We kept talking when we came back. You know, one day we were hanging out on the couch watching a movie and one thing led to another. You know how I am. I'm a little aggressive. It was totally my fault. What was Luke going to do?"

Aimee: "It would be hard to say no to you. Such an interesting topic. I hate to leave it."

MJ: "Let's talk about it more.

"I asked Luke to come on this show and he declined. But here he is today. He showed up [in the chat room] for Holly."

Holly: "Hey Luke, what's up with that? Are you too good for AVN Afternoons? Huh? Are you too big for being on the E! True Hollywood Story?"

MJ: "How do I put this politically correct? Luke doesn't have a lot of fans."

Holly: "That's a good way to put it."

MJ: "What's it like to date somebody like that?"

Holly: "It was hard. My parents would have people pull them aside and say, 'Do you know your daughter is dating Luke? He's evil.' My mother got into a tizz because it's easy for her to get into a tizz. I said, 'I'm a big girl. I know what I'm doing. He's not as horrible and vicious as everybody says he is.'

"Obviously he has done many things to many people. Back in his day, say, ten years ago, there were some pretty crazy things he did that I'm like, 'Ohmigod, I'm so glad I didn't meet that guy.'

"But he's a good guy and we get along fine. Ultimately, I don't give a damn what other people think."

Aimee: "The first time I met Luke was at Porn Star Karaoke. I'd heard about him but he was very nice to me. He posted a little interview about me."

Holly: "He asked me for an interview before I met him in Tampa. My publicist was like, 'You can do an interview but be careful because nothing is off the record with Luke.' Everybody was telling me not to do it. I was thinking, god, is this guy a big bad scary wolf? So I was kinda fascinated. When I met him in Tampa, I wanted to get to know him. Everybody is always much deeper than they appear to be on the surface.

"He writes about what he hears. He doesn't censor so much."

Aimee: "I assumed he was just a punk but I was totally wrong."

Holly: "I write as well, obviously not as prolifically or as well as he does, but sometimes he won't actually say to you what he's thinking but then he'll write it on his website. I'm the same way. Sometimes it is easier for me to say things in writing than in person.

"He can trick people into trusting him when you first meet him because he seems that way, but then he spills the beans."

MJ: "Last question on Luke. With all the ramblings on the site focused on you, I would see some of them from time to time and my first impression was -- this guy is a little obsessed, even a little stalkerish. Is that the case?"

Holly: "He's the anti-stalker. Perhaps he'll write things but if I did anything that he felt blew him off, he would not contact me, he would not call me. He's not the type of guy who shows up at your house. No, he's not a stalker at all. He tends to write in free-thought..."

1:33 p.m. I'm really enjoying this interview. I'm getting huge narcissistic supply as the conversation is about Holly and me.

1:38 p.m. Holly: "I had a great childhood. I rode horses. I was like any other kid except my parents did porn, and we had to hide that from some people."

Holly doesn't like her voice but she's a terrific interview subject (on the radio or anywhere). She has a great Southern accent she can put on and she puts all of her magnetic personality into what she says (when she wants to).

When you get Holly on the phone and her voice is flat, you need to let her attend to what's on her mind because she won't be listening to you carefully.

When you spend time with Holly, she's not present much of the time. She has a rich inner life. If you want to get close to her, that's a frustrating and ultimately unsatisfying quest. So make sure you are OK with yourself and when Holly shuts you out, leave her alone and go do your own thing. The more you try to hunt her down, the more she'll elude you.

With Holly as with anyone, you can either appreciate what you have with her, or you can obsess about what you don't have.

I feel guilty listening to Holly because she's more kind and careful about what she says about me than I've been with her.

Holly often tries to trick me into saying something disparaging of someone's looks but I always refuse. I email her: " I wish I could grow this pecular virtue of mine and add to it."

Holly (who had few friends growing up) says on the show that no kids in her schools were prohibited from hanging out with her because her parents were in porn.

Holly: "I've always been obsessed with visual images. At the beginning I thought I wanted to be a model. Most young girls do.

"I became hooked [on photography] when I took my first photography class at age 12."

MJ: "Did you expect to follow in your mother's footsteps?"

Holly: "No. I was going to do the exact opposite. I wanted to be a fashion photographer. I just heard so many nightmare stories... I thought, I'm not sure I'm the cut-throat person who can go out there and make it. I'm not sure if I want to deal with all the attitudes and the hierarchical standards they have..."

Aimee Sweet was Holly's first nude model.

Holly: "My mom can't write and my dad can't shoot.

"I've got the short legs. The whole reason my mother said she married my father was so her children could get his long legs. I got screwed. My brother and sister got the long legs."

Holly says she did not like the Brooks Institute. "It was very conservative. I loved UCLA. I loved literature."

MJ: "What kind of porn does Holly Randall like?"

Holly: "I like the dirty stuff... Gangbangs." But she doesn't like ugly guys.

Holly: "It's annoying when a guy walks around naked with nothing but socks, Luke!"

That really annoyed her but I have cold feet even when I'm doing hot things.

Holly did not like my sweats that were held on by elastic. She gave me a pair that you have to tie up. She may prefer that look but they are a pain to wear because you have to untie them to go to the bathroom, etc. I prefer elastic.

Holly: "What I shoot is the opposite of what I like...

"I like the sex to be hot and on the rough side, but not too rough.

"I've tried to make our movies more hardcore and my mom says, 'Holly, that's so bloody rude. You're such a pervert.' Both my parents say I'm a pervert. I say, 'Come on, mom, can't we do ATM?' "No! That's gross.'"

Holly says her mom has the philosophy that you don't go to bed mad. "We're both hot-tempered."

But when Holly's mad or hurt, you may not hear from her for days. She's not someone who must confront and solve an issue when she feels wounded. She'll retreat and isolate herself from you, take a few days to heal, and then come back if she's still interested in you.

Holly: "I love my job. Eight years later, I still look forward to going to work."

The AVN Afternoon hosts can be fun when they are interviewing someone lively like Holly. I just wish they'd cut out the crap.

Holly: "I'm afraid of the Bush administration coming after me [if she did her own line of gonzo lines]. I have such a dirty mind, I'd give JM Productions a run for their money."

She laughs.

Holly writes on her suze.net chatboard: "No, we won't have a booth this year [at Erotica LA]... Pure Play will and I might make that my pit stop area, but I won't be hanging out there. I'll show up for one day to check out some new models but then I'll be out of there. I don't like porn conventions, especially if I'm not exibiting. Unless I'm working, I spend little time around the biz."

'Because I Care About Others'

HollyRandall: did you like my interview?
Luke: yes, very much, i felt very honored and respected and I have gratitude to you
HollyRandall: lol really?
Luke: yes
HollyRandall: even though i teased you?
Luke: I am so cruel
Luke: it was nada by comparison
HollyRandall: lol no it wasn't
HollyRandall: i have presents for you
Luke: more?
HollyRandall: not that kind
Luke: joanna angel's so hot
HollyRandall: that shoot i was supposed to have processed with the tungsten filter, which means it would have had a blue cast to it, like this Aimee Sweet pic:
HollyRandall: but my processor f---ed up and didn't do that, but i actually think it came nice with the normal colors
HollyRandall: anyhow i'm not surprised about your Shay obsession
HollyRandall: she's hot
HollyRandall: but besides that, why?
HollyRandall: oh so she's just fresh meat
HollyRandall: she's a sweetheart
HollyRandall: she left early this morning
HollyRandall: and Crystal and Aria are gone
HollyRandall: so it's just me and my bro
Luke: you don't have any clothed photos of Joanna?
HollyRandall: don't be such a prude
HollyRandall: she's got a great body who wants clothes on her?
Luke: you're great on the radio, your magnetic personality shines through
HollyRandall: aww thank you
Luke: in real life, you are usually distracted
HollyRandall: yes that's true
HollyRandall: i'm sorry about that
Luke: by responsibilities
HollyRandall: i hate it when i do that
HollyRandall: did you get my last pic of Joanna?
Luke: :)
HollyRandall: is that a yes?
HollyRandall: what you speak in smilies now?
Luke: i have bad tendonitis in my right elbow, painful to type much
HollyRandall: oh right, you should get one of those voice typing machines
HollyRandall: hey you know Shay spells her name Shay LaRen
HollyRandall: yeah it's so people pronounce it correctly
HollyRandall: i just changed it on my site
HollyRandall: btw why did you put up that pic of Aimee sweet along with Joanna? just curious
Luke: i'm a slut for content
HollyRandall: hey if you want content i'll send you pics of brand new girls when we get them back
Luke: :)
HollyRandall: is that a yes please?
Luke: yes please
HollyRandall: i'm putting up my pics on my site, and they'll be color corrected
HollyRandall: but i doubt you want to go through the trouble replacing the bad pics i sent you from earlier this week
Luke: true
HollyRandall: yeah i didn't think so
HollyRandall: what's your take on...?
Luke: i'll do it on the phone with you
HollyRandall: that long, huh?
Luke: my elbow aches
HollyRandall: (sigh) i have a great pic of.... from the party but she's shoving some guys' head between her boobs and i don't want to get her in trouble with her boyfriend. I must have my flaws. And one is vanity. Can you at least replace those horribly pixelated pics of me from the party with these properly sized ones?
Luke: those are enormous files you just sent mam (compare Holly's venally-sized Holly Randall Holly Randall with my user-friendly Luke, Holly Luke)
HollyRandall: they are?
Luke: they are 10x the normal
HollyRandall: whoops
Luke: your files are always heavy, sheesh, if i had that many KBs I'd look relaxed too
HollyRandall: wait no i didn't do anything wrong
HollyRandall: oh no they're not that bad
Luke: instead of 40 they are 420kb
HollyRandall: i think all the images on my site are like that
HollyRandall: i wonder why yours are so much smaller
Luke: because i care about others
HollyRandall: how much do you compress your images?
Luke: I do nothing but basics 600 by something
HollyRandall: me too
HollyRandall: 72 dpi
HollyRandall: but i save it at maximum compression
Luke: i made the change you requested, it's just that those heavy files suck for most of my users
HollyRandall: i don't know how i'm doing it differently from you
HollyRandall: but those pics of me are so lovely it'll be worth the extra time

Holly's photo of Shay Laren. More.

Holly Randall Declares She Will Never Convert To Orthodox Judaism

6/5/06

Holly: "You don't have to worry about a lesbian relationship blossoming between Dani [Woodward] and I."

Luke, in a flat voice: "How do you get the strength?"

Holly: "Come on, Luke. Put a little more emphasis in your question."

Luke: "It was a cute thread on XPT."

Holly: "Yeah, minus the panty shot."

Luke: "You knew what you were doing. You're a big tease."

Holly: "I swear to you I did not know. I wouldn't have put it up if I had known."

Luke: "Sorry, I'm being a creep."

Holly: "I work with creeps. I'm surrounded by creeps at all times."

Luke: "At least you look wholesome when you are in your garden. I like you in long skirts and in gardens."

Holly: "I know you do. The reason I wear long skirts is because I hate my legs and they're covered with bruises."

Luke: "I thought you were preparing to convert to Orthodox Judaism."

Holly: "No. That will never happen. Never."

Luke: "Does Dani seem speedy to you?"

Holly: "No. No. She's been clean for a while. I've seen her several times. She's restless. She's gained about 20 pounds. She looks very healthy. When I saw her at Cherry Rain's baby shower, Dani looked great. She's definitely not on drugs."

Luke: "I wouldn't think that Paul Fishbein and his wife would have her in their life if she was speeding.

"How was your mother's birthday party yesterday?"

Holly: "It was just family. It was just lunch.

"You're not supposed to interbreed so naturally you find it repulsive to think about family members having sex. It's the thing biology instilled in you so you wouldn't interbreed."

I don't believe biology instilled it in you because there are cultures that interbreed. I believe society instills a horror at incest, just as it used to instill a horror at homosexual behavior and pregnancy outside of marriage and all sorts of taboos that have broken down in the past 40 years.

For instance, society chooses the level of homosexual activity. When society says that it's cool, you'll have plenty of it. I am not arguing the percentage of homosexuals changes. I am arguing that the percentage of people engaging in homosexual sex depends on the strength of society's taboos against such behavior.

HollyRandall: you are impossible
Luke: huh?
HollyRandall: you 're just funny how you don't tell me your opinons/thoughts on the phone but you'll post it on your site
Luke: how so?
HollyRandall: your disagreement with me about biology being the springboard of one's natural instincts to find family member's sexual experiences disgusting
HollyRandall: whatever it doesnt' matter, just funny
Luke: you didn't ask my opinion...on the phone.
HollyRandall: do i have to ask?
HollyRandall: you don't offer it up freely like most people?
Luke: i guess not
HollyRandall: most of the time you do
Luke: I'm not sure I even had that opinion formulated while we were on the phone. It came to me later.
Luke: On most of the things where we think completely differently, there's no point my telling you how I think, unless you really want to know and ask.
HollyRandall: well then i guess i can forgive you ;)
HollyRandall: did you get my myspace comment?
Oh, OK I see how it is-- I throw you a 40th birthday party at my house and I get bumped from your top 8. That's fine, just fine...
HollyRandall: about how you bumped me from your top 8 again?
Luke: yes
HollyRandall: don't you feel terrible?
Luke: No.
Luke: I have to keep a distance from you in some ways.
HollyRandall: lol via myspace?
Luke: But it does not mean I don't appreciate everything you've done for me.
Luke: I've established varying boundaries between me and you, just as you have.
HollyRandall: i know i'm just teasing you
Luke: You are half teasing and half serious.
HollyRandall: i just think it's funny that you keep your distance on myspace but not in other areas of your life
HollyRandall: the top 8 thing, as you know, i think is silly
HollyRandall: i told you i've had friends get in fights over it
Luke: I understand why. I don't think the top 8 thing is silly.
Luke: It's one way of stating who you value.
HollyRandall: so you don't value me, is what you're saying
Luke: No. It's one way of stating publicly who you value.
HollyRandall: so publicly, you don't value me
Luke: I don't feel that you do not value me because I am not in your top 8.
Luke: No, IT IS ONE WAY!
HollyRandall: lol i'm teasing you
HollyRandall: i don't need to be in your top 8 to know you value me (dramatic music begins to play in background)

5/7/06

Da Burglar Interviews Holly Randall

Holly: Oh boy... to pick out one hot scene is a bit difficult-- there have been many. Let's see... though I'm a pervert who likes multiple guy on girl scenes, we don't shoot too many of those, and if we do, it's only two guys. Tory Lane did her first boy/boy/girl scene with us aways back, and though there is no DP or anal, it's still a hot scene-- we shot it in a bathroom set so it's all oily and shiny and lovely. Though as I said it was shot a while ago, it's coming up on our next DVD, "Bra Bustin' and Deep Thrustin" which is, if you haven't guessed, an all big boob flick. Another favorite scene of mine is curiously an all girl threesome with Belladonna, Teagan, and Jana Cova. Now anyone who knows me well knows I'm not really into girls sexually, so girl/girl scenes rarely do it for me. But pretty much anything with Belladonna in it is great and Teagan had specifically asked my mother for Bella to be in the scene. So for me, to see the anticipated chemistry between the two of them explode once the cameras started rolling was great. You can find this scene on "Undressed and Oversexed." I know there are others I'm going to kick myself later for forgetting so I'll have to get back to you on this one.

....Yes, certain scenes have turned me on, but it's a momentary thing that soon fades once the scene is over. I never have the inclination, nor would ever consider jumping in. I can't even imagine it. OK, so I like really pervy stuff... like gangbangs *blushes*. But the problem is that I know most of the performers and I can't watch a scene with someone I know in it. I was perfectly happy with my Gangbang Auditions ..I-can't-remember until we booked Scott Nails for the first time, and to my dismay he was one of the guys in every scene. After I got to know Scott and like him on a personal level I couldn't masturbate to that DVD anymore. So I hid it somewhere and I've now forgotten where it is. I have tons of the boring porn that I can't even bring myself to watch-- big name feature crap like "The Devil in Miss Jones" and a Digital Playground big budget something-or-other. I like my porn done by the smaller, nastier gonzo studios, and that's what I DON'T have.

Of course I feel the weight of expectation... I get the comment "You've got big shoes to fill" all the time. Obviously the success of the website translates directly into membership signups which translates as money, and I certainly measure a degree of success that way. But in terms of awards and such, I don't plan to win any anytime soon-- my mom certainly hadn't by my age (actually I think she was still modeling by my age). Plus, I don't measure success by awards, I measure it by staying power. And that's something I pray I have. The only thing I might just resent my mom for is making me ride horses my entire youth so I had to give up all other extracurricular activities. But that has nothing to do with work.

4a) What is Holly Randall's: Favorite:
MUSIC BAND: Led Zeppelin
Favorite Amusement Park Ride: I hate amusement parks. It's either hot or raining, you have to walk forever in between rides, and you have to wait in line for 2 hours to go on a ride for 2 minutes. f--- that.
Favorite Women's Fragrance-- I don't really wear much fragrance, often it's just scented body lotion. But I like Ibiza Hippie by Escada, which of course is discontinued now.
Favorite Holiday-- Christmas
Favorite Drink or Brand of Beer-- Newcastle Ale
Favorite Color-- Yellow
Favorite Snack-- chips and salsa
Favorite Sexual Position-- doggy-style
Favorite Brand of Toothpaste-- don't have one
Favorite Adult/Porn Star (male and/or female)-- Melissa Lauren
Favorite Restaurant-- Hamasaku in Westwood Biggest Pet Peeve-- littering (yes, even cigarette butts-- that's f---ing littering!)
Worst Nightmare (i.e. what she fears the most)-- failure/ disappointing my parents
Favorite Book-- The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway
Favorite Sexual Fantasy-- professor/student sex scenario

4b) What is Luke's:
Favorite MUSIC BAND: Air Supply (this is when I began to have serious doubts about his sanity)
Favorite Amusement Park Ride: Me! Haha!
Favorite Women's Fragrance: He has a terrible sense of smell so I doubt he has one
Favorite Holiday: Shavuot I think
Favorite Drink or Brand of Beer: Water
Favorite Color: Hmm black?
Favorite Snack: He's not much of a snacker
Favorite Sexual Position: Missionary I think
Favorite Brand of Toothpaste: No idea.
Favorite Adult/Porn Star (male and/or female): Kendra Jade?
Favorite Restaurant: Some kosher restaurant in his neighborhood, I forget the name
Biggest Pet Peeve: Oye hes got a million...you got an hour?
Worst Nightmare (i.e. what he fears the most): Not sure I should answer this one, and Im not sure Id be correct.
Favorite Book: The Torah? Favorite Sexual Fantasy: Having sex with his nice Jewish wife.

5) Drug use is rampant in the Porn industry, and often on actual porn sets, according to many anecdotal sources. It is often evidenced in the appearance and behavior of talent themselves. From obvious drunkeness at 11:30 in the morning, to track marks on the limbs, and from pupils either constricted or dilated beyond any normally explicable circumstance, to more subtle actions like models clutching and guarding bottles of pills like Vicodin or Xanax which allow them to quash their conscience and perform these degrading acts.

The meth issue is certainly more rampant now than I've seen it in a long time, but I try to keep myself out of those situations by not hiring those who are using. If you show up to my set f---ed up once, its highly unlikely I'll book you again. I also dont book girls who are rumored to be on drugs...more times than not the rumors are true, and almost every time I ignore the warnings I come to regret it. In fact, XPT is a good place to find out who is clean and who is not.

No I dont think I'd ever produce a Holly Randall sex doll mainly because I honestly dont think it would sell. Plus those dolls are super creepy looking.

...I like my eyebrows and my nose, and my stomach when Im in shape. I dont like my legs.... if they could thin out my thighs and lengthen my legs that would kick ass.

7) Rank in order of importance (1 being the most important, 2 the next most, etc) the qualities you find MOST important in a man as a potential mate/partner:
Looks: 6
Intelligence: 1
Foot Massage Ability: 8
Dick Size: 7
Sense of Humor: 2
Ability to Give Oral Sex to a Woman: Love for his Mother: 3
Concern for the Environment: 4
Cooking Ability: 5
Money/Financial Situation: 9
How nice a car or wheelchair he drives: 10

I think [Donkey Punch] is way over the top violent, and the idea makes me sick to my stomach.

9) What was the LAST thing you did to help someone out where you didnt receive or expect something in return?

Holly: Throwing Luke his 40th birthday I guess? The last kind deed someone did for me? Someone opened the door for me at Starbucks today. Does that count?

I dont think you can create a sexual appetite...I think whatever degree of sexuality we have resides in us at all times, it just takes a certain someone/situation to bring it out in people. At the age of 39, I got Luke to do things he'd never done before! I knew there was a pervert residing deep inside him, and I was right!

The more hardcore we go, the more magazine sales we make, and from recent polls on our site there is a big demand for more hardcore. Our audience tends to not like the super extreme stuff -- double anal, bukkakes, etc -- but they do like anal and boy/girl hardcore, especially fetish. But there is a line I dont want to cross, I dont want to ever do a scene that resembles any of those that are under the obscenity microscope right now. Those are a bit too much for me...if it personally repulses me, then I dont want to film it.

Holly writes on XPT: "I'm sure nobody here cares, but the grammatical errors in my interview are driving me insane. DaBurglar sent me the interview via Myspace, and I had to cut and paste the interview into Microsoft Word so I could save it and respond later. But when I repasted it into myspace the apostrophes and dashes didn't register, so it looks like I have the grammar of a third grader. I know Luke will notice, at least."

6/7/06

Sunny Lane And Her Mom

HollyRandall: Sunny's mom sounds EXACTLY like her
Luke: bless her heart
HollyRandall: i got off the phone with her, and i told her to have a good night
HollyRandall: and she said "Fo sure honey! You know it, I got ma' hurricaines a waitin' fer me!"
HollyRandall: it would sound better in my fabulous southern accent
Luke: Chaim Amalek taunts me that you got things out of him that I never did
HollyRandall: of course i did, i'm a girl
HollyRandall: easier to open up to L
uke: have you shot faith leone? "
HollyRandall: she came in for polaroids... a very pretty face
HollyRandall: my mom liked her and then forgot about her
HollyRandall: it happens, thanks for the reminder
HollyRandall: i'll pull her file again
HollyRandall: so i get to spend all day Saturday naked with Beatrice
HollyRandall: she's taking me to some Korean spa
HollyRandall: where we hang out naked in a steam room with old naked people
Luke: what exactly does it mean for a woman to have a good body?
Luke: can a woman have one if she's got small tits?
HollyRandall: waist to hip ratio
HollyRandall: of course
Luke: is it curves and stuff?
HollyRandall: yes
HollyRandall: legs too
HollyRandall: if they're very stumpy it's high high heels!
HollyRandall: i'd much prefer small natural boobs to big fake ones
HollyRandall: but the boobs have to be well shaped too, no flapjacks
HollyRandall: Sunny still calls her mom her assistant right?
Luke: yes, you do too?
HollyRandall: lol yeah right Suze would knock me out if i tried that one
Luke: Do you agree with your dad that promiscuity breeds character?
HollyRandall: my dad is full of funny opinions
HollyRandall: i think experience builds character
HollyRandall: i suppose being promiscuious is getting experience...
HollyRandall: right?
Luke: right
HollyRandall: explaining my parents would be like explaining colors to a blind person
Luke: I don't think they are any more weird than you or me
HollyRandall: all i can come up with in the end is, "that's just how they are"
HollyRandall: oh no, nobody is weirder than me
HollyRandall: c'mon
Luke: ya freak
HollyRandall: that's right baby, don't you forget it!
HollyRandall: you'll never date anyone weirder than me
HollyRandall: actually i'm sure that's not true
HollyRandall: compared to most in this biz i'm pretty normal
HollyRandall: i think if i was surrounded by "normal people" i'd be a little worried about the things that run through my head
Luke: is normal good?
HollyRandall: but since everyone i work with is more fucked up than me, i feel better
HollyRandall: what IS normal, really?
HollyRandall: if you want to get deeply philosophical
HollyRandall: but i have no time for that because i'm going home
Luke: what IS normal, really?
HollyRandall: plus i'm not smart enough for those brainy type discussions
HollyRandall: my little head can't take it

6/8/06

If Holly Randall...

Jack writes:

If Holly's mom was a teacher or doctor or an artist, would have Holly have become a pornographer?

I don't think the kind of stuff Holly does is offensive in itself, it's that it is a trajectory to a whole heap of problems, physical and emotional.

It's a pity you two can't work together to make serious docu films about these issues. I wondering if you have ever discused it? Could Holly make serious docu films and do porn, or is that of zero interest to her? I rather suspect a possible way to persuade her would be for you to make an example and for you to make money from it.

There aren't any difficult issues here. Porn is bad for you like cigarettes and MTV and a million things are bad for you. Humans are weak. They struggle to survive. Sometimes we do bad things, often because they are less bad than the alternatives. Nobody who could be shooting or writing for Vanity Fair magazine or Hollywood is making porn or writing about porn. Porn is a refuge for the lazy, for people who don't want to push themselves to do something noble.

Oone of the definitions I've read for pornography is that it is the lowest form of artistic endeavor.

Holly wanted to be a fashion photographer but decided that would be too hard. Porn is easy, particularly for a girl like her. Holly, like any decent photographer, can shoot beaver in her sleep. There aren't any special skills to making porn. It's the easiest way she can make a great living and buy lots of expensive shoes and take exotic vacations.

Do I respect pornographers? Not for making porn. I may respect them for other qualities.

If I was a great writer or reporter, do you think I'd be writing primarily on porn? No way. I'm only here because I'm not good enough (as yet) to make it anywhere else.

H.L. Mencken said you can judge a man's character by the way he earns a living.

Holly writes: "I give up. You just love to insult me. And btw, shooting nude women isn't as easy as you think it is. In fact, it's damn difficult, especially when the model is green and/or has flaws I have to deal with. I know you hate the porn industry and will only see it as the evil one-eyed monster that lives in your closet, but I am going to continue to work in the industry, I'm going to have a family, and I'm going to be a damn good mother. So you can take your opinions on me, my job, and my family and shove it up your ass."

6/14/06

Holly Randall Bestows Her Favors Upon Poor And Broke Alike

Like her mother before her, Holly supports a string of us broke and broken writers.

The young Miss Randall lives to bestow her favors upon those most in need. (For about six months now I've been sucking at the tit of suze.net and never missing an opportunity to plunder Suze's eldest daughter.) Nothing makes Holly happier than to give to others (though if her lentil casserole does not turn out as she intended, she'd rather you not blog about it).

After a week of icy silence, Holly calls me back around noon Wednesday.

She's in a good mood. "I wasn't going to talk to you anymore," she begins, "but I can't stay mad."

I was hasty and harsh in my writings a week ago about Holly's chosen field. At the time, I did not appreciate how Holly and company were giving young damsels in distress a marvelous opportunity to advance their social status through disrobing on camera and doing increasingly audacious things with other girls and boys and inanimate objects.

"I just snagged myself a new girl before any other photographer got her," she says.

"Yay!" I croak.

"I got a big lecture about how we need to get new girls first. And why are competitors shooting new girls before us."

Holly wants to help young women move ahead in life by shedding their outdated notions of morality. Holly has a newfound zealousness in helping these girls before anyone else can get to them. Holly doesn't want these girls to clutter up the welfare state or community college. Holly just wants the opportunity to first capture for immortality their inner beauty.

As her mom Suze (through her husband Humphry) wrote so memorably in her 1978 book Suze:

...But while doing my special version of the Charleston that September night [at the Playboy mansion], every now and then flashing a sexual lightning bolt, for perhaps five minutes I felt I was at the center of the world. Eclipsed stars stared, beauties gawked, caught off balance between delight and disapproval. Tongues froze, feet stopped. I was all the girls who'd ever danced on a table. I was the reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe. I was a fantasy of sex and success come true. I was sexess.

Holly: "She's shot [for a couple of magazines and a catalogue] but for none of our competitors."

Luke: "Who are your competitors? I did not think you had competitors. Holly, you have no competition."

Holly talks about flying the girl out from the East Coast, a definite violation of the Mann Act (which prohibits the interstate transportation of people for immoral purposes).

Luke: "I got an IM last night that I had created a monster. That nobody had heard of you till I started writing about you and now there are all these threads on XPT about your evolving eroticism.

"I made you and I can break you."

Holly: "Harumph. Nobody thought you were a decent person until I let you hang around me. I made you.

"I want you to meet Bonnie."

Luke: "Who's Bonnie?"

It's Holly's new dog.

Holly writes on XPT about Ceara Lynch: "LOL, I love it... yeah I know she won't do porn, I already tried."

6/26/06

Cindi Loftus Interviews Holly Randall

C-What is the hardest thing you ever had to tell anybody, besides turning them down. You must of had to tell people things that you didn’t want to say.

H-I’ve definitely had to tell this one girl that, we shot her once and then we shot her again a month and a half later and she had gained like 10-15 pounds and she was a small girl. It really showed. It definitely showed in her stomach. So as a woman I understand weight issues, I’ve been battling my weight my whole life. But I don’t make a living in front of the camera. I can get as fat as I want and I’ll still have a job. I told her in the nicest way that I could, "You’ve gained a little bit of weight. I want to shoot you again, and I want you to be in the best shape possible cause I want to get the best shoot on you." I gave her some pointers like spinning class, running and cut some carbs, watch the sugar, no sodas. I told her she was a beautiful girl and she had a beautiful face. You can always work on your body, that is something you can change and control.

C-So she didn’t get pissed?

H-No she was fine, but she took it really to heart. She was only eighteen and after that she refused to eat.

C-You, Holly Randall, are the cause of the poor girls anorexia!

H-I know, I felt terrible. Because then she ended up collapsing and having to go to the emergency room. I thought it was all my fault, but then I talked to her and she said a couple other photographers had told her the same thing. And I don’t know how they put it. But I tried to feed her.

It sounds like Maya Hills.

Holly Randall's Got A Nasty Cold

I call her at work Tuesday morning (June 27, 2006). She sounds horrible.

I tease her that she caught her cold while posing nude Saturday.

Why do women such as Holly, 27, pose nude? She doesn't need the money. She's no model. She has everything to lose by posing nude and nothing to gain. (My guess is that most decent men would never marry a woman who's posed nude.)

Because she wants the attention and she's not willing to do the hard work necessary to get attention for noble pursuits such as non-pornographic photography and writing.

A woman's deepest fear is that she is not worthy of love. By posing nude and getting attention for it (Holly's listed in a forthcoming Celebrity Sleuth magazine's 25 Sexiest People issue), a woman feels desired and that she's worthy of love. A woman who knows she's worthy of love doesn't pose nude (because she puts a high value on herself, she doesn't share herself promiscuously, photographically or otherwise).

Dennis Prager writes:

By showing more of their bodies, women can announce that they are women. There are other ways young women can publicly demonstrate their distinct female identity -- for example, by wearing feminine clothing and other feminine behavior, being a wife, being pregnant and being a mother.

But those ways are increasingly ignored, deferred and discredited.

Dennis Prager writes:

With no feminine role to aspire to, many young women feel powerless. The one area of power left for them is sexual. The more a young woman has bought into feminist notions of equality (i.e., the sexes are essentially the same and there is no such thing as a woman's role), the more she is likely to flaunt her sexual power. It is the only power left to her.

Holly Randall's Nude Photos

These pictures make me feel uncomfortable and I don't like that.

7/28/06

Busted!

HollyRandall: that girl you wrote about sleeping with
HollyRandall: and you tried to tell me later that you made it all up?
HollyRandall: you did f--- her you liar
Luke: OK, l lied.
HollyRandall: lol
HollyRandall: why did you say you made it up?
Luke: because that is what I would've wanted to hear if the situation was reversed.
HollyRandall: if you were trying to make me jealous like you said, wouldn't you stick to the story that you did hook up with her?
HollyRandall: oh Luke
Luke: I was observing the golden rule.
Luke: It was the ethical thing to do to lie.
HollyRandall: oh please
Luke: How did I know I was going to get found out?
HollyRandall: the ethical thing to do would have been not to sleep with her in the first place
HollyRandall: because liars always do
Luke: We were broken up. I had no plans to be with you again.
HollyRandall: even more reason not to have lied about it
HollyRandall: whatever i really don't care that much
HollyRandall: i just wanted to catch you out

Holly Randall: 'I am a bad mother'

She posts:

It's been so hot recently and I've been so damn busy I haven't tended to my vegetable garden in about a week. Gloves, shears, fertilizer and all, yesterday I prepared to give a little TLC to my garden and pluck my quickly ripening tomatoes (there are so many I practically give them away because I can't eat them all). Imagine my diress once I opened the gate to my little piece of heaven and my tomato plants were all dying! I feel like a crackhead mother who went on a drug binge and left her children to starve and die. My garden is set on automatic sprinklers but the heat has been so devastating I've had to water twice a day, and I'd been neglectful this past week. Does this mean I'm going to be a bad mother? I love my vegetable garden more than most things in this world, yet I got distracted and let it go for a week. I am sorely disappointed in myself, and now I doubt my dedication to the things I love. LOL, could anyone but me get so worked up about their goddamn plants?

DRD posts: "Between Aria wishing she could wander in circles talking to smurfs, and you equating a plant with a child, how does your brother live with you crazy people?"

Holly Randall Sounds Off

She posts on XPT:

Once a new girl showed up to my set with full blown herpes on her mouth-- when I asked her what was up she just seemed confused and said she woke up with it this morning and had no idea what happened to her. I had to gently explain that she'd contracted herpes-- probably from whatever scene she had done last week. The poor girl didn't even know what herpes were. It's unbelieveable how stupid some of these girls are-- I need to start a quote book.

I stopped taking responsibility for idiots a long time ago. I come to work, make the girls look and feel as beautiful as I can, take some good photos and go home. I used to want to save the world, but I'm over that now. I got my own sanity to keep in check.

She posts on XPT:

OMG Mia you are freaking me out! I also love: guys in their late 30s early 40s, I also give money to charity and homeless people like crazy, Newcastle is my favorite beer and Sierra Nevada is a close second (check out Stella, it's one of the strongest beers out there and damn tasty). You are too funny just wait until I get my hands on you next month-- I'm going to make you look so amazing you won't believe it. Ha! I'm excited...

Holly posts on XPT:

Well she is obviously referring to Tawny Roberts, but for all the people who tell me Mary is actually smart... well I just don't see it.

Mary Carey responds:

I am smart, I may talk a lot, but I am intelligent. I act dumb sometimes, think a lot, in fact I think faster than I can speak but i speak the truth. True, I ramble on and on, but another girl on keith olbermans show, neil's show and alan's show on fox, see how they do. But please tell holly I'm not stupid. Maybe sit down to dinner with me and have an educated conversation. No one pulls up the publicity stunts that I have still been doing with out kick ass or goes to the red carpet events as much. Just search my name at www.wireimage.com or www.dailyceleb.com. Mainstream people. www.marycarey.com

Holly posts:

I am going to vomit. Why is all porn outside of what I call my little "Suze bubble" so disgusting?

Holly posts:

I don't really want to look at a dick closely unless it's about to go in my mouth.

Temptation Awards Too Tame For Holly Randall

She posts July 30, 2006 on XPT:

So the gig was boring as hell and no one took it seriously -- to spice it all up I was obnoxious as hell and was planning on taking my top off on stage just to raise a little excitement in the evening. I was never called up onstage -- I just marched my ass up there and prepared to take my top off. I had George or whoever in my ear begging me not to act inapporapiately, so I waited until I got back on the main floor and then I let Cassidey Rae suck on my nipples. The show was so boring I brought out the ultimate obnoxiousness in me and probably made everyone think I was insane. The best part was Andrew Blake trying to make my cousin the star of his next flick. Monstar can attest to my shenanigans.

Monstar writes: "You were a work of art baby. I like how you tried to accept the award for "best gay director." Holly and whatever she was drinking stole the damn show. her table was the one to be at."

For the girls... what's your favorite 'sex act'?

Holly Randall posts:

Sorry I know "sex act" is a lame term, but I couldn't think of any other way to describe it. Just curious as to what really gets the girls in the biz off-- is it pussy eating, doggie-style, etc? Personally I LOVE giving bjs. I think it's a control issue, but there is nothing better than having control over a guy's pleasure and watching him enjoy your handiwork. Neck and back-of-the-shoulder kissing is my "button"-- no matter who you are if you get kiss me on the back of the shoulder or on my neck I get wet instantly. But bjs... oh boy I love it! Sorry it's been a long time, I think I'm getting sexually frustrated... Somebody shut me up!

...What are you talking about? Your family would love me-- parents always do. I'm incredibly polite, watch my language and help wash the dishes after dinner. I never talk about porn-- if there son didn't tell them you'd have no idea I'd ever even seen a porn flick. If there is anything my mother taught me, it's manners, manners, mannners! In fact, she insisted I learn good table manners and tennis because "You never know when you're going to dine with the president." I don't think she was considering Bush when she told me this.

Why are you posing horribly lit photos and why should I be impressed? Yes I've been celibate since... drumroll... Luke, but amatuer photos of sexual acts aren't going to push me over the edge. I am waiting for a special man to take away my newfound virginity. I demand that he is college educated, well-mannered, open minded and has a working penis. Oh yes, and he has to love his parents-- a man who doesn't love and respect his family is doomed for disaster. I'm pretty sure that Smelly Monkey is the only one here that fits the bill.

Women Who Date Jerks

Holly Randall says: "Rock Star Magazine sent me an email. They're doing an article about why girls date jerks. And they want to interview me about you."

Luke: "Were you drunk Saturday night?"

Holly: "No. I just had a couple of glasses of wine."

7/31/06: Satire

Holly Randall Arrested For Drunk Driving, Blames The Jews

Returning home from the Temptation Awards Sunday morning, Holly Randall, the director of Love Between the Cheeks (AVN Editor Mike Ramone called it the most anti-Semitic film since Triumph of the Will), was pulled over by an L.A. County sheriff's deputy.

Lukeisback.com has learned that Miss Randall aka The Second Coming of Leni Riefenstahl went on a rampage when she was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving, hurling religious epithets. Lukeisback.com has also learned that Adult Video News had the initial report doctored to keep the real story under wraps.

According to the report, Randall became agitated after she was stopped on Pacific Coast Highway and told she was to be detained for drunk driving Sunday morning in Malibu. The director began swearing uncontrollably. Randall repeatedly said, "My life is f****d."

Law enforcement sources say the deputy, worried that Randall might become violent, told the photographer that he was supposed to cuff her but would not, as long as Randall cooperated. As the two stood next to the hood of the patrol car, the deputy asked Randall to get inside. Deputy Mee then walked over to the passenger door and opened it. The report says Randall then said, "I'm not going to get in your car," and bolted to her car. The deputy quickly subdued Randall, cuffed her and put her inside the patrol car.

Lukeisback.com has learned that Deputy Mee audiotaped the entire exchange between himself and Randall, from the time of the traffic stop to the time Randall was put in the patrol car, and that the tape fully corroborates the written report. Once inside the car, a source directly connected with the case says Randall began banging herself against the seat.

The report says Randall told the deputy, "You mother f****r. I'm going to f*** you." The report also says "Randall almost continually [sic] threatened me saying her parents 'own Malibu' and will spend all of their money to 'get even' with me." The report says Randall then launched into a barrage of anti-Semitic statements: "F*****g Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Randall then asked the deputy, "Are you a Jew?"

The deputy became alarmed as Randall's tirade escalated, and called ahead for a sergeant to meet them when they arrived at the station. When they arrived, a sergeant began videotaping Randall, who noticed the camera and then said, "What the f*** do you think you're doing?" A law enforcement source says Randall then noticed another female sergeant and yelled, "What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?"

We're told Randall took two blood alcohol tests, which were videotaped, and continued saying how "f****d" she was and how she was going to "f***" Deputy Mee.

7/31/06

Holly writes on XPT: "I am crazy normally-- liquored up I'm insane."

Random writes:

One of my biggest pet peeves is when girls say they're "crazy" and/or "wild", and Holly says it a lot. A hell of a lot. It's such a shudder-inducing cliche.

Holly, you're a lot of things -- cute, sweet, intelligent -- but not crazy. Gardening, riding horses supplied by your mother's fortune and doing laundry while dancing around in lowrider jeans packed tight with granny-panties as Luke shoots video is not crazy. Neither is flirting, dancing and revealing nip when intoxicated. That's simply socializing. Congratulations, you're among the millions who lose inhibition when you've tossed back a few.

One gets the impression the constant reference to your "craziness" is a means of overcompensating for your (rather shockingly) normal existence and lack of confidence in your physical appearance. I would venture to say that you feel a constant need to stand out, so to speak, because you feel inferior to the "models" you shoot on a regular basis. Would I be correct?

I also think this insecurity is to blame for your habit of shutting people out. You do this not because it's what you truly feel like doing, but because you think it gives you a little more depth and an added mystique that other girls may not possess. You want to be wanted (like all girls), but for whatever reason you feel you have to go the aloof, tortured-soul route in order to get others longing for you. Would I be correct?

Random fact: Da Burglar has made reference to you 78 times this year alone. Really think about that.

Holly replies: "At least give me credit for giving you credit for hitting the nail on the head. I applaude you for calling me on my s---."

Random writes:

Why do you feel being just Holly Randall isn't good enough?

You know it takes a lot for at least half the girls you shoot to look attractive. Hell, you rivaled or topped them with your racy photos and you didn't have the benefit of having you as a photographer. So why the self-doubt? Why do you feel insecure when placed next to girls who essentially have no worth outside of being professional cocksockets?

Holly replies:

That's a fantastic question, but remember how much importance is placed on looks in the world I live in-- for the most part I don't let it get to me, but I am a human being and subject to self-doubt. On the other hand, I appreciate your points, especially since you compliment my photography in such a way and I know you are not a fanboy who tends to kiss ass. I want huggles from all of you.

8/11/06

Lives on the Edge: Profiles in Sex, Love and Death

My new book is dedicated to Holly Randall and has 80 pages of excruciating detail (most of which I have not published before) on the rise and fall of our relationship.

Here's the back cover:

Lives on the Edge profiles models, evangelists, writers and photographers who've spent years in the sex industry.

"For me to enjoy being a centerfold star," says Penthouse Pet Lori Wagner, "which is my right, which I worked hard for, because of that, I've been disrespected and not loved for who I am."

"If you're a woman who likes to look nice, and wears make-up, you have a hard time making female friends," says Penthouse Pet Courtney Taylor. "I'm 30-years old. I planned on being a doctor by now. But the money for modeling has been so good that I've put off my schooling."

"I wish my dad molested me," says porn star Joanna Angel. "It was the other way round. I was ignored. I would've loved for my dad to molest me. He wouldn't even talk to me."

There are 52 chapters and 360 pages in the book.

After choosing the fragility of life as my theme, I selected 52 of my best interviews.

Holly Randall posts on XPT:

Yeah that chapter on me isn't too flattering -- Luke sent me the chapter beforehand for my approval. Though I obviously wasn't thrilled about the way I was depicted I have always respected Luke's need to write what he wants, and as an amatuer writer myself I cannot bring myself to demand that he edit his work for my benefit. Also, like most people, I don't enjoy seeing my shortcomings glorified on paper. But I suppose that's what I get for having those shortcomings. I believe in writing the truth, and when I write my own book someday (yes, me and everyone else is writing a book, I know) I would prefer to not hold anything back and be perfectly honest myself. It won't win me a lot of friends, but I think that a good autobiography is truthful, and along those lines, often painful.

1/3107

She posts on XPT:

I guess I have no choice but to answer this post-- though I can't say I'm thrilled about my personal issues being posted online, it's a little late now and I may as well be honest. Yes, I did go on a bad bender this past weekend and was seriously considering checking into rehab (again-- yes I was there about a year and a half ago). After spending a few days at my parents' sobering up, I'm now considering a less extreme method of outpatient counseling. To have to give up at least a month of my life would be very damaging to my job and my company, and my responsibilites are such that I really need to seek other options that won't interfere with that.

I have been battling alcoholism for quite a few years now, and I'm getting very tired of the fight. Over this last year or so my thinking has really changed, and I have come to realize I must give up booze entirely or watch it slowly destroy my life, my relationships, and those around me who love me.

Don't think it doesn't anger me that there are people dying in Iraq, starving in third world countries, and here I am, a fairly priviledged individual with wonderful friends and family, a great career, and all I can seem to do is flush it down the toilet. It's a bitch of a disease and I'm the last person who can truly explain why I do what I do. I'm hoping that intensive therapy and regular AA meetings will help me sort out my demons and become a constructive force in the lives of those around me, as opposed to a destructive one.

I suppose that if my response touches at least one other person out there who shares my issues, and encourages them to also seek help, it will make the fact that I've just spilled my guts on a porn chatboard worthwhile.

2/5/07

Rehab - What Better Time To Mock Someone?

Reading this supportive thread about Holly Randall's entry into rehab on the normally vicious Monkey Cage nauseated me. (Update)

Yes, I only want good things for Holly, and I am glad she's getting support at this time of crisis, but if you don't give a damn about Holly, what better time can there be to mock her?

I'm tired of this sacred hands-off approach to drunks and other addicts who go into rehab and start twelve-stepping.

What better reason is there to make fun of someone than that they can't control themselves? If someone spent hours a day on a computer masturbating to porn, wouldn't it be right to make fun of them? Isn't "wanker" or "fag" a frequent put down because people realize there is good reason to stigmatize masturbation and buggery? If someone masturbates in public, shouldn't they be mocked? If a pornographer (or porn journalist or porn lawyer etc) keeps hitting on talent half his age, isn't that worthy of mockery?

Yes, making fun of people is not nice, but if you are going to mock someone, it is better to do it for their moral failings than for things they can't help (such as their looks or intelligence).

I don't believe that people are biologically compelled to hurt others needlessly, to drink to excess, to take drugs, and to have gay sex. I believe we have free will and we are responsible for our choices.

I'm sick of hearing that people are born gay. Yes, it may be true, but then every man is born a sexual predator, a rapist and an adulterer. It is not natural to men to restrict their sexual expression to their spouse just as it is not natural for some men to restrict their sexual expression to the opposite sex.

So big deal. I no more feel sorry for the homo who can't screw around with the lads than I do for the 50-year old married man who's sad he can't bang high school girls.

I'm sad when I can't bang some delicious 16-year old girl but I don't whinge about society repressing me.

I'm not claiming I am better than a drunk or a druggie or a poofter. I overflow with disgusting urges. I yearn for attention (though I'd prefer to call it 'recognition'). I am lazy. I am callous. I am selfish. I allow my sexual urges to overcome my good sense.

In high school, I developed a gambling addiction.

But in the end, it is up to me to do the right thing.

While all of us have genetic predispositions towards destruction, in the final analysis, it is up to our free will.

There is a Judge and there will be Judgment.

Aside from the minority of people who are just born happy, I don't understand how people can be happy without organized religion.

I don't know much about drunks and druggies because I never had any as friends until Holly. But being with someone who'd never been inside a church or synagogue, I realized the things that religion gives that I had taken for granted:

* It instills discipline because you have to constantly deny yourself for God/community/etc.

* It provides you with community to monitor your behavior. It is a lot easier to convince yourself that what you are doing is OK than to convince your religious community (Dennis Prager).

* It gives you purpose. It gives you tons of things to do when you get up in the morning. (One reason that evangelical Christians devote so much time to proselytizing is that their religion lacks rituals and thus they have nothing better to do with themselves than bother people.)

* It provides the accumulated wisdom of thousands of years of a tradition. There have been a lot of smart rabbis who know more about life than I do. I learn from them.

* It provides structure. Religion dictates that you must set aside time for fun, for study, for family, for community, for work (not only do the Ten Commandments say you must rest one day a week, they command that we work six days a week).

* It provides rituals which give life rhthym and depth. A week without a Sabbath is like music without climax and poetry without meter.

Holly Calls Me Out

Feb. 7. 6:19 p.m.

Holly Randall calls (audio). "You're a f---ing asshole."

Luke: "What?"

Holly: "You act like you don't know what I'm talking about. I have let you get away with a lot of s---, and I kept my mouth shut about a lot of s---, but I cannot f---ing believe you. You really stepped over the line this time. I mean, I thought you were my friend. I don't know why I would think that. You've obviously proved otherwise. You are a f---ing prick. And you know what? Addiction is a disease, you asshole. If you're so f---ing educated, why don't you go look it up?"

She hangs up.

A few minutes later, Holly Randall posts on XPT:

I just read his post and called him about it. What's funny is that he sounded shocked that I was angry.

Luke, you've burned the very last bridge. I will NEVER consider you a friend again, I will NEVER sympathize with you again, and I will NEVER consider your well-being or wish for your happiness again. You've truly driven away possibly one of the only people in the industry who ever honestly gave a s--- about you, who ever defended you, and who ever dared to call you their friend. You are one of the most judgemental people I have ever met, and what's funny is that you are the last person on the planet who has the right to be. Go wallow in your own misery alone, you f---.

Everyone else, thank you so much, I love you all. I think that perhaps the support I get is from the basic human recognition that we all have flaws, and that we all make mistakes. I was willing to admit them and seek help to correct them. I have met some of the most amazing, selfless and generous people in this program-- those who seek to help others before they help themselves. I can only pray that I, too, will one day be like these people, and give back to those who have given me so much comfort, love, and hope.

For the back story on this, read my book Lives on the Edge: Profiles in Sex, Love and Death.

Holly and I have different demons but they are equally severe.

Any time Holly has ever asked me to remove something about her from my website, I have always done so immediately. So everything that is still there about her (once she's had the chance to read it) has her tacit permission, even if she hates it.

Over the years, I have written about Holly with a depth and passion and cruelty and love that I've never written about anyone. And that's because she allowed me to. No other woman would. If she abides by her latest post and I lose her as a friend, that will be my loss.

My post that attracted so much ire was inspired by Holly but was not primarily about Holly. It was about larger ideas. If those ideas are uncomfortable and she and others want to ignore them and try to make that essay of mine about me trying to hurt her, rather than explore ideas, then there's nothing I can do. I am going to publish my opinions even when they are unpopular. Whether addiction is best looked at as a personal failing or as a disease is a worthy question. I, for one, am sick of lack of self-control being taken for granted as a disease.

2/26/07

She posts a picture on XPT:

I'm sure Luke will come up with someone more interesting to post about since I'm not as exciting and reckless sober. Anyhow, I'm back and of course one of the first things I did was hit up my local garden nursery (and no, I did not buy that ridiculous hat).

Also I have been writing... I've been keeping a journal while I was gone, and my father is encouraging me to start a book (yes, I know EVERYONE is writing a book). I'm also doing a monthly column for Xbiz Video magazine-- my first one came out in the February issue, and my next one (about my battle with alcoholism-- gasp!) is coming out in the March issue.

Holly Randall Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four