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Holly Randall Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four

Holly Randall's Convention Diary 1/10/06

Chris’ roommate is the only one in shape to drive home. Thank goodness. I lay down in the back seat and let their idle chatter and the background music wash over me. I roll onto my side and watch the scenery pass by me. I reflect on how my drive home how was so much different last year. Last year, the drive home was four hours with a man I didn’t know too well but fell in love with at the end of the trip. That’s all it took him—four hours to capture a heart which had eluded so many for 27 years. Not the case now—I lost him. I close my eyes. It’s much easier to sleep than think.

Holly Randall's AVN Pics

Holly Randall Poses Nude?

She writes 1/10/06 on her Suze.net chatboard: "Yes, I have been considering doing another shoot, and a little more nude since I've lost weight. I just haven't had the time to book it!"

2/3/06

Chatting The Day Away With Holly Randall

HollyRandall: why don't you take your friend to Chinatown?
Luke: good idea
Luke: she's my sister. she's my daughter.
HollyRandall: wait, what are you talking about?
Luke: a line from the movie Chinatown
HollyRandall: oh sorry never seen it
Luke: Do you like plays? Neil Simon?
HollyRandall: actually, i'm not a huge play fan
Luke: Neither am I.
HollyRandall: i prefer musicals, opera, and ballet
Luke: Good, that'll save me $50.
Luke: Rob Spallone will pay for me and a date to see a Neil Simon play starring Herschel Savage...
HollyRandall: then how would you be spending $50?
Luke: I guess it would not.
HollyRandall: hey you like my pic of Sunny Lane?
Luke: I love that pic
HollyRandall: ok can i show you a headshot of Naudia Styles? i got a great pic on her but she's topless, i warn you
Luke: I wont look at her breasts, no matter how luscious they appear
Luke: perky nipples
Luke: how did you get 'em like that?
HollyRandall: the girls are always so turned on around me their nipples are always hard
HollyRandall: i'm nervous about shooting tomorrow
Luke: why?
Luke: Ahh, because it is the Sabbath.
HollyRandall: no because i haven't lit anything myself in over a year
HollyRandall: my assistants always do it
HollyRandall: and now i'm doing everything on my own and i want to do some experimental lighting
HollyRandall: and i'm nervous that it's going to look like shit
HollyRandall: i'm shooting Aimee Sweet for fun
HollyRandall: for the first time in years
HollyRandall: i'm actually doing photography for the reason i got here in the first place-- for the love of it
HollyRandall: we'll see if i still love it by the end of the day, LOL
HollyRandall: i don't have a set schedule, i don't have to get any magazine sales out of this or even shoot explicit stuff
HollyRandall: just whatever i feel like and come up with
HollyRandall: but what if it all sucks?
HollyRandall: what if i've forgotten how to light?
HollyRandall: i'm even renting extra equipment for the day
Luke: sounds like an opportunity for growth
HollyRandall: yeah that's part of the reason i'm doing it
HollyRandall: to break away from my mom's style a bit
Luke: stretch
Luke: spread your wings, learn to fly again, learn to feel so free.
Luke: So take these broken wings
HollyRandall: here we go, into a bad song again
HollyRandall: do you live in a musical?
Luke: it slipped out
HollyRandall: doesn't it always?
Luke: i got swept away
HollyRandall: oh you
Luke: I must be stern.
Luke: and strong.
HollyRandall: what song is that?
Luke: no song, just my motto.
HollyRandall: i read another passage in Hemingway last night that reminded me of you
Luke: where he blew his head off?
HollyRandall: i picked lemons for you
Luke: yay
Luke: I'm racking my brain to think of something I've done for you lately.
Luke: Give me a few more
Luke: hours
Luke: Oh yeah, I went to my Holly Randall Anonymous meeting. Quite a crowd of guys.
Luke: I said I had gone a week without mentioning her name on my site...but then I broke down.
HollyRandall: you are so ridiculous
Luke: There were 60 guys in the meeting, some going back to highschool. Luke: will you take your breast-fed babies on set with you?
Luke: I can see you waddling around the set until just before you give birth
Luke: "Gotta provide for the family," Holly thinks.
HollyRandall: yeah i probably will shoot until i'm too pregnant to do it
Luke: as you should
HollyRandall: yes i'm sure you believe a pregnant woman should be shooting porn
Luke: and get your kids to help with the boxcover after they've done their homework.
Luke: hold the C-light closer, son.
HollyRandall: BTW nice banner at the top of your site
HollyRandall: i love working up here at the ranch
HollyRandall: amber just took some pics of me with one of our horses (Decimus) that came up to the office and stuck his head in the door
Luke: feeling the breeze under your skirt
HollyRandall: no you sicko i'm wearing jeans
Luke: want to see a photo of my pee pee?
HollyRandall: because my mom got him for 1/10th of the price
HollyRandall: yes please
HollyRandall: that would be great
HollyRandall: ya freak
Luke: i hate it when you call my bluff
Luke: you look so wholesome in that pic
HollyRandall: i'm as wholesome as apple pie, baby
HollyRandall: good god i just found a really silly of pic of me and Lacie Heart
HollyRandall: i'm just going through all my pics off my digital and changing them to 300 DPI so i can print them for my photo albums
Luke: now I can return to gazing at you and rubbing one out
HollyRandall: oh stop it, : rub one out to Lacie, she looks great
Luke: I love that photo...you should be a vivid girl.
HollyRandall: i look ridiculous
Luke: We could work together.
Luke: The three of us.
HollyRandall: who is Farrah?
Luke: I want to do pregnant videos with you. Holly Randall: Ready to Drop.
Luke: check my site
HollyRandall: oh great
HollyRandall: do i really want to read this?
Luke: It's not all about you Holly. I meant to read my site to see the top story on Farrah and the link to her profile.
Luke: You'll always be my queen.
Luke: And I'll always be your Aslan.
HollyRandall: oh thank goodness
HollyRandall: there's a great candid of me from the brea bennet/daisy marie shoot where i'm dancing with a big bottle of lube and baby wipes
HollyRandall: i just found a great pic of my dog
HollyRandall: the title of it should be "Just like mommy"
HollyRandall: i've told you actually likes alcohol, right?
HollyRandall: if you leave a cocktail (something in a glass with a wide rim) on a low table, he will drink it
HollyRandall: i've gone to the bathroom before and come out to see poe on my coffee table lapping up my apple martini
HollyRandall: did you know that this [Malibu] office used to be a "church"?
HollyRandall: my dad just showed me a pic of it from way back, with a facade of stained glass windows and a cross
HollyRandall: there was a guy who lived here before who ran a church called "The Church and National Academy of Metapathics"
HollyRandall: Metapathics means "beyond pain" apparently

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2/24/06

Why Would Holly Randall Pose Nude?

Holly Randall and her mom Suze are elite in their tastes. They only shoot a couple of times a week and are selective in their choice of models. They have a rule that they won't shoot someone unless the models first sees them in person. Less than ten percent of the girls who come to them do Suze and Holly eventually shoot.

It usually falls to Holly to explain to the model that she and her mom won't be shooting her (Kendra Jade and Mary Carey are examples of famous porn stars in the past that they elected not to shoot, though Suze shot Kendra this week and will probably shoot Mary in the coming weeks). One of Holly's favorite ways of explaining this is to say, "If I were a model, I wouldn't want to shoot me."

I fell in love with Holly through her personality. She only became sexy to me after I got to know her. When she gains or loses 15-pounds, I am unmoved (unless she's sitting on me). If she became a paraplegic tomorrow, I'd love her just as much (though I expect the sex would be more difficult).

So I'm cruising the redesigned Suze.net website and on the front page is a glamorous photo of Holly and she says: "From your favorite porn stars to naughty newcomers - if you've got a crush - we've got your girl! I guarantee you will love our site! Love, Holly Randall"

And I think how rarely I've heard that l-word from Holly and here she is giving it out to anyone who will visit her stupid website. Air Supply would not approve.

The internet can suck.

The inference on suze.net is that by buying a membership, you can gain access to Holly's sweet sticky goodness.

Miss Randall is a people-pleaser. She empathizes with models. She often says how glad she is that she is not a model. That she couldn't stand the constant rejection and critiques.

Yet Holly is the new mascot on suze.net. Yet Holly has posted artistic nudes of herself on suze.net (and then removed them). Yet Holly has all the traits of the model. Her inner model is just under the surface always wanting to jump out and play (which is cool, Holly is fun, and has self-awareness and is not pompous, and has the most amazingly thick-skin, and is willing to laugh at herself).

Holly loves the camera. She knows how to pose to make herself look best. She can look at pictures of herself for hours (just as I can write about myself for hours).

(Holly says she does not spend hours looking at photos of herself.)

Holly's always be more concerned about the photos I took of her than about what I wrote on her.

I don't know any non-model who has published as many pictures of herself on the web as Holly has, just as Holly does not know anyone who has published as much about himself as I have on the net.

(In the narcissism sweepstakes, I win.)

My favorite photos of Holly are wholesome ones where she's wearing little make-up and not trying to strike a sexy pose. I like Holly best as a wholesome girl, not as a porny girl. But being the child of pornographers who has worked fulltime in porn for the past seven years, she's a porny girl. Almost all of her friends are in porn.

It creeps me out that guys in particular are often trying to get Holly drunk, hitting on her, sending her pictures of their cocks, and getting her to strike such sexy photos as pushing her breasts together to maximize her cleavage (yes, Monstar, that's you).

It creeps me out that so many guys (particularly members of suze.net) have pushed Holly to pose nude for public distribution.

I've never taken naked photos of Holly (or any woman I've dated) and it horrifies me -- and simultaneously strikes me as absurdly funny -- that Holly may do this.

I never told her this until after she told me that she was not going to do it because it would be bad for her image as the future CEO of suze.net.

I think it sucks that she's the mascot for her own porn site but it is her life and her website and I don't bother her with my views in these matters (but rarely).

I don't like having a woman who's close to me on public sexual display. I prefer to think of my woman (and I'm not claiming Holly as my woman, just using her here to make a point) as only having sex with me.

(When a woman I love shares her body and soul with me, as well as provocative photos of herself, I find that exciting. When she shares that stuff with the world, I find it disturbing.)

I'm 39 and I understand that I can not make real these fantasies. I've only rarely dated virgins and I don't seek them out. I can't remake a woman and therefore I've learned to detach myself from things where I can't make a difference.

I don't think it does a woman good to pose nude and put her sexuality on display and make money from it.

I understand there are numerous seeming exceptions of women, particularly Hollywood actresses, who've had flourishing careers after posing nude, I do wonder how many flourishing marriages they've had.

Rather than empowering a woman, nude modelling will forever haunt her. She will cut herself off from at least 50% of humanity (not just the religious and not just Americans) who will not longer consider her real, but rather as a sexual object or freak.

My views are not dominant today. More young women than ever (as a proportion) expose themselves. I think it sucks when women I care about dress and act like whores. I'm down for writing on whores as interesting material but I'm not down for incorporating them into my life. The more whorish the woman, the less I want her in my life.

For me, there are two types of women -- women I want to marry and women I want to write about. (In this matter, and other things, Holly breaks my rules.)

Dennis Prager wrote a two-part essay on women exposing themselves:

In Part One, I offered two reasons for the increasing exposure of young women's bodies. One was the loss of female roles and identity, leading many young women to announce they are females in the only way left to them -- by showing their body. The other was the near-extinction of the concept of femininity, including the demise of feminine dress.

With no feminine role to aspire to, many young women feel powerless. The one area of power left for them is sexual.

Every woman knows that the quickest way to attract a man is to have him notice her. So it makes sense to assume that the more of her body she shows, the more men will be attracted to her.

So, as a service to any woman who is confused by the difference between "cute" and provocative as regards women's clothing, this may help. What you often call cute or attractive, men see only as a sexual come-on. If you wish to dress for sex, you should be entirely free to do so. But if you want love and attention, you have to know the difference between dressing for sex and dressing to be cute and attractive. The more skin men see, the more they think sex, not love. And that includes guys your age, your male teachers, your clergyman, your mailman, and the old man next door.

I despise the lies men tell women (and I've told many of them) to get them into bed or into the sex industry. I despise the "figure modelling" advertisements to lure women into porn. I despise the lies people tell themselves to justify behavior they should know is self-destructive.

Here are some arguments given to Holly for posing nude:

* It will increase signups to suze.net.
* It will help her empathize with models.
* It will unleash her hidden beauty.
* She'll be sharing herself with her fans.

One could argue (falsely) that Suze's success was largely based on her female perspective and that some of her greatest works were pictorials of herself (I don't know). She was not only the artist (pornography is the lowest form of art) but the subject as well (how profound).

How wonderful it would be to see pictures of Holly exploring her sensuality (you can do this far better with fully-clothed photos). Blah, blah.

It all comes down to horny men enticing Holly with appeals to her vanity. I think these arguments suck. I think the men making these arguments suck. And I think it sucks that women who should know better fall for this crap.

I'll never forget what Nick East told me a decade ago: That he could never settle down with a porn girl because he doesn't want his spouse having sex with other men.

"How would you feel walking into a party with a beautiful woman on your arm, knowing that every guy in there has f---ed her? Would you feel you were walking into the room with a treasure?"

HollyRandall IMs me: you are such a s---
HollyRandall: i say this with the greatest affection
HollyRandall: i just got this message:
HollyRandall: Remind Luke there are far more pictures of him floating around than of you, as far as i'm able to tell.
HollyRandall: i responded that i didn't think that was actually true
HollyRandall: i'm sure there are WAY more pics of me than you
HollyRandall: not necessarily floating around, but on my site at least

Chris writes: "More images of Holly on the internet. I count 1,000 images of Holly versus 713 of Luke."

2/27/06

HollyRandall: so if i make dinner
HollyRandall: which i probably won't because i'll be so damn tired
Luke: i'll drop dead
HollyRandall: how do you feel about eggplant?
Luke: yuck
HollyRandall: ok moving on
Luke: how 'bout some...
HollyRandall: don't be disgusting
HollyRandall: you have the intelligence of a gentleman, at least attempt to act like one
HollyRandall: pasta with creamy tomato sauce?
Luke: that's ok, i prefer mexican stuff, salad or something
HollyRandall: but more of a creamy sauce with a taste of tomato than a tomato sauce
HollyRandall: christ you are impossible
HollyRandall: ever thought of broadening your horizons?
Luke: i'll eat pasta, it's just not a favorite, it makes me sleepy
Luke: NO
HollyRandall: you really should
Luke: lentils or some soup is great
HollyRandall: how do you feel about tarts?
HollyRandall: i mean the food
Luke: fine with me
HollyRandall: squash and basil tart?
HollyRandall: mushroom-leek tart?
Luke: i thought tarts were sweet
Luke: both of those options sound horrible
HollyRandall: tomato-feta tart?
HollyRandall: no it's like a meat pie, but veggie
Luke: Darling, anything you prepare, I'll be glad to eat.
HollyRandall: liar
Luke: I believe in you.
HollyRandall: well i probably won't anyhow
HollyRandall: i'd have to buy everything and prepare after work
HollyRandall: i can't play career woman and housewife, as much as i'd like

3/1/06

HollyRandall: i'm having one hell of a time trying to figure out what to make
Luke: I thought i was easy
HollyRandall: well pasta seems the easiest route but i never make pasta so i'm afraid i'll overcook it
Luke: I have never refused anything you've offered me
Luke: beans, lentils or salad and desert
HollyRandall: but you don't even like salad dressing
Luke: I don't usually like cunnilingus but I'm still down with sex.
Luke: cunnilingus = salad dressing
Luke: how was your shoot? Did you leave the camerawork to the men?
HollyRandall: no but they're doing the video right now
HollyRandall: i love Melissa Lauren, she's such a great performer
HollyRandall: and Alektra is really pretty, i can't believe it took me this long to shoot her
Luke: I'm sure you revealed their inner beauty.
HollyRandall: what about a butternut squash soup?
Luke: i wrote you i dont like squash
Luke: They ask you on your suze.net chatboard for interviews and you say: 'Those interviews are on suzevideo.com. We plan to join the sites eventually.'
HollyRandall: i don't understand
Luke: your fans on your chatboard asked for interviews with porn stars
Luke: I don't think the interviews on suzevideo are what they have in mind
HollyRandall: what they want deep, revealing ones?
Luke: yeah, something aside from jerk-off material, reality stuff is hot, you should shoot more reality stuff
HollyRandall: but my site is jerk-off material
HollyRandall: i'm not looking to be the next Barbara Walters
HollyRandall: it's sexual fantasy i cater too
Luke: Just be Holly Randall
HollyRandall: how do you mean?
Luke: you might be surprised how many of your members would like to see you have a real conversation with these girls.
HollyRandall: i actually got an email from a member who was upset that when he asked what my sets were like, and when i explained to him that work is just work he got upset because i had "killed his fantasy"
HollyRandall: i was at one point, a few years ago thinking of doing written interviews for my site but i never got around to it
Luke: why don't you write my mom or dad and ask them what food I like?
HollyRandall: YOU don't know what food you like?
Luke: I do and I thought it was very simple but I've obviously failed to communicate it to you.
HollyRandall: i could do lasagna
Luke: ask my dad, he was the cook, you guys have so much in common, he'll give you good recipes
HollyRandall: anything in there you won't eat?
Luke: no pumpkin and eggplant
Luke: are you mad at me?
HollyRandall: what? no, i'm just scared of your dad
Luke: aww, hit him up, he'll be tickled
Luke: or my mom or sis
Luke: it'll be cute
HollyRandall: your dad would never approve of me
Luke: this problem has come up before but i've never used this solution
Luke: I don't recommend you tell my dad everything about yourself, just ask for a recipe
Luke: take it easy on your sexual history
HollyRandall: what's his name?
Luke: Dr Ford
HollyRandall: or should i call him Mr. Ford?
Luke: he might not be around, so CC my mom
Luke: Tell them I sent you.
HollyRandall: ok i emailed them

The Joys Of Domestic Bliss

3/2/06

I call KB. "Holly cooked me dinner last night. She spent hours on it. She emailed my parents for a recipe."

KB: "For Australian food?"

Luke: "I'm finicky. I'm a vegetarian who doesn't like vegetables."

KB's girl Katie is frying up bacon in the background. She says they just had sex in the closet.

KB: "What did she cook you?"

Luke: "Some lentil dish."

KB laughs.

Luke: "She probably spent five hours preparing it. It wasn't very good."

Though dry, it was still 100 times better than what I could've made for myself. And the salad good. I asked to take the lentil leftovers home but she'd fed them to the dog.

KB: "What did you get out of it?"

Luke: "I got a headache. She was always calling and emailing me over the ingredients and over how much trouble this was causing her and how long it was taking her. We didn't get to eat until 9:30 pm."

KB: "Maybe she's just not a cook."

She's not used to cooking vegetarian without vegetables.

Holly writes me: "You know, it didn't take me 5 hours to PREPARE the food-- you made me sound like I was slaving in the kitchen all that time (for a meal you didn't even enjoy), when you know I spent most of the time sitting in traffic and running from store to store to get all the ingredients. And I also find it interesting that you wouldn't admit to my face that you found the food a little dry, even though I said it was, but you'll tell the world on your site what a crappy cook I am."

Amalek writes me: "I'm concerned that she is leading you down the slippery, well-lubed slope to both Paganism and omnivorism. I thought [her email] was sweet and yearning. She is trying so hard to please you and we both know how hard it is for the young woman to please the aging bachelor. Do you know how I know that you never totally committed to this Jewish business? Your diet. No real Jew eats like Adolf Hitler used to eat. Tell her it was me saying those nasty things. Blame Amalek. The Jews always do."

Cindi Loftus writes me:

Luke, Holly took probably 5 hours to cook a dish that is totally foreign to her. It would be like you cooking lamb chops from scratch with instructions on a piece of paper. ( Imagine what that would taste like, ugh) And you have to throw in, though dry and then compliment her. Now I know Holly has thick skin. She would have to, to have her dating life lived out on your site. (although, I had never heard of her until you started seeing her, so great publicity, and I am now doing stories on her movies!) But why couldn't you JUST give her the compliment? Why did you have to put a little dig in there first? Is it a passive aggressive thing, or a way for your anger at her to come out, because she is not exclusively yours? If I had made you the food, rather then Holly (who has your sexual interest), would have you been more polite and said it was great, and appreciated all the time spent shopping and preparing, forget about E-MAILing your parents, geez, you don't ask too much. It just seems like you are testing her and waiting for her to fail, so you can find a reason not to be in love with her. Or at least to tell yourself she isn't what you want, but frankly I think she is what you want, but she won't conform to your stringent standards. She has opened you up so much, and made you more of a free thinker.

Must the Clock Start Ticking Already?

Holly Randall writes 3/7/06:

"So all in all, it was a great scene. She's such a good performer, now I remember why I liked her so much."

"Oh good! Did she do the anal?"

"Of course she did, mom. You know I wouldn't let them skimp on that."

"Oh good."

And then, the conversation turned to what would be to others, a normal one between mother and daughter.

...I just knew it was going to be a long, boozy afternoon. And I would be sober. There is nothing more annoying than being around drunk people when you're stone-cold sober. I don't know how Luke does it.

Holly Randall - Facilitator Of Destruction?

Kaiser Souze (it's not me even though it sounds like me, and yes, if you put a gun to my head, even though I love Holly, I would have to say I agree with every word) writes 3/9/06 on XPT:

Holly, I'm sure you are a sweet gal and all, in some ways I think that makes you all the more objectionable. Your sweet veneer and your (parents) winding driveway into the hills hang like a sheen of normalcy over what you actually do.

There can be no doubt that you are a facilitator of destruction in the lives of those you photograph. (Just ask Simp/Luke.) An honorable person of your "position" and intelligence should be forced by conscience alone to refrain from taking advantage of the desperation/stupidity of others.

When you frolic in the fountains of Rome (funded by the profits of your exploitation) do you ever wonder if your "subjects" dreamed of visiting the very spot in which you stand? Or perhaps you do not give them enough credit as human beings and feel a natural separation between your place and theirs.

Like I said, I'm sure you are great to talk to in person and all, but your "act" makes me uncomfortable. The same kind of "uncomfortable" I experience when I imagine living in my parents house in my late 20's.

3/17/06

Holly and Kendra have many things in common (they love to read, they're blunt and funny, they are about the same age) aside from their adoration of me and they're trading email about hanging out.

Holly has mastered spelling, punctuation and grammar. Kendra has not.

Holly is organized while Kendra's flakey. Kendra's emotionally open while Holly is emotionally closed. Neither of them have female friends. Both of them surround themselves with guys they've slept with. Both of them are love addicts. Both are prone to affairs and love triangles. Both have most or all of their exes on their MySpace friends list. Both like having their hair pulled.

Neither have married or had kids or been pregnant.

Both are prone to depression. Kendra will take medication for it while Holly will not. Both like depressing music and literature. Both are prone to drinking heavily. Both are self-destructive, clumbsy and klutzy. Neither of them do hard drugs regularly but they have experimented with almost everything.

Both of them take better care of others, at times, than they do of themselves.

Both of them earn far more money than I do. Both are generous to degrees that boggle my mind. Both take on responsibility for their family and their younger siblings. Both of them have thick skins and have allowed me to write about them with a freedom that few other women have permitted me. Consequently I've written more about Kendra (the only three-dimensional female character in my memoir, "I don't see why you didn't end up with her?" says my friend Cathy, who writes a forward to my book) and Holly than any other women.

A Sign Of The Apocalypse - Holly Randall's Dad Humphry Joins MySpace

Holly messages me:

My dad joined myspace & it's all your fault.

He joined because you sent him that email about the interview, which prompted him to check out your site, I suppose. Then he noticed how one of your links clicked throught to my myspace page and since he'd heard about it through the girls in the office, I guess he was curious and signed up. As you can see, he's done nothing with his profile-- I told him I'd turn it into a promotional tool for his book.

I checked Humphry's MySpace page and it says he's single. I wonder how his wife Suze Randall feels about that?

Holly posts on Humphry's Myspace: "You better be on myspace to promote your book, dad. I could be suspicious about you trolling for young hotties but I know where you are at all times: either in the office, sitting by the pool, behind the bar, napping in your bedroom, or shopping at Albertson's. Then again, it did take you several hours just to pick up some toothpaste the other day."

Raised By Porn Parents

A religious friend writes me about Holly: "I am sorry that she was raised by porn parents. That is child abuse. As for her BA, some of the stupidest people I know have advanced degrees. I would be impressed if she chose a different professional path than that laid out by her parents. Alas, she merely trudged on in the well worn path and is, no doubt, carrying on the deeply rooted pathologies and I'm sure she is unhappy and incapable of a lasting loving relationship. Sad."

Holly Randall responds:

Does that imply the pathology of my parent's marriage -- and that they are one of the dying few whose marriage actually worked and stayed intact? I have been given nothing but stable examples of solid marriages throughout my childhood-- excepting my uncle who was married young and has since remarried a woman he's been with for now over 20 years -- divorce does not exist in my family. One thing my parents have always been adamant about is tolerance -- I think most people have unrealistic expectations of marriage and are too quick to judge their partner.

My shoot with Crystal yesterday made me remember how much I love my job, though I know those opposed to it would like to believe that I should be miserable because of what I do. It's so easy to judge when you don't know someone, or what actually goes on in my studio. Of course I have my bad days at work (everyone does) but I look forward to it, and really do like 95% of the models I work with. I don't know if I see a different side to a lot of the models because I actually talk to them and treat them as best I can, but girls like Melissa Lauren, Riley Shy, Courtney Cummz, Alektra Blue, Victoria Red, Crystal Klein, etc (I'm just naming girls I recently shot) are truly delightful and I love spending the day hanging out with them, making them look beautiful, and taking sexy photos.

Your religious friend is most certainly entitled to his opinion (thank my parents' enthusiasm for tolerance for my conscious desire not to harshly judge those I don't know -- or anyone for that matter) but keep in mind we are all different. I would beg him to not assume I follow some kind of pattern of being a "ruined soul" because I work in porn. The adult industry is not for everyone, but it suits me just fine.

My religious friend writes me:

Holly is absolutely right. I am an intolerant bigot. Really. How dare I judge her? She spends all day taking pictures of nice naked women. They take breaks and discuss The Confessions of St. Augustine. Maybe Holly hits the bottle a bit 'cause, y'know, deep down there is a black hole that just can't be filled. But who am I to judge? I just sit in my office and crunch numbers and I'm really this horribly judgmental man who might believe that some things in life might be soul destroying. But what do I know? I lead a happy life. I love my wife. I love my children. I'm just a right wing fanatic. Truly a danger to civilization.

Of course she's delusional. Anyone with any brains, any sense of decency who works in porn, is operating under cognitive dissonance. Porners need it as a shield or they would fold up mentally. That's the reason so many rely on pharmaceuticals to get through their shoots, to get through their days, to make it through their nights.

As for her tolerance. Well gee, it's not hard to be tolerant of everybody else when you're, um, a pornographer. Besides, you know me, I'm hardly intolerant. Some of my best friends are strippers and porn stars. I'm merely ferociously judgemental -- which said porn stars and strippers actually appreciate, deep in their guts at four in the morning. For in the end, my harsh judgements place some value on their lives. Those who refuse to judge place no value on anything. Shame on them.

Whoops, shame on me for bringing up shame. Gosh, you can see where this non-judgemental loop leads -- to the black hole of planet A-moral.

I have no doubt she's a woman with numerous fine qualities. Or you wouldn't be interested in her. You have weird but high standards.

She should branch out into weddings and bar mitzvas.

Holly Calls

6:34 p.m., 3/20/06. It's our first time speaking since the morning of March 2nd (before I made my fateful blog that forever blew us apart).

When I see my caller ID, I answer the phone: "Are you stuck in traffic?"

When Holly was stuck in traffic in the old days of six weeks ago or so, she'd often call me.

Holly: "I'm driving 45 mph.

"I know you'd say something like that."

Luke: "I can't help it. I'm feeling good."

Holly: "I'm calling to make sure you are going to be nice to my dad tomorrow."

Luke: "I'll treat him like a delicate flower.

"I just thought of another question I'm going to ask him."

Holly: "Are you going to ask him about the role of Jews in the book?"

Luke: "Depends on how we hit it off."

Holly: "I remember you brought that up before."

Luke: "To you."

Holly: "Right."

Luke: "How do you think he'd react?"

Holly: "I don't know. He doesn't really talk..."

Luke: "About the Jews and their nefarious influence on world finance?"

Holly: "I don't think so."

Luke: "I've got 40 or so questions. Depending on how it is going, I'll drop various questions in.

"I think I'll title it, 'I talk to my future father-in-law Tuesday.'"

Holly laughs. "That would get people to read it."

Luke: "That's the purpose. I don't want it to be like my Dara Horn interview."

Holly: "I never read it. You sent me the link. There was no tragedy in there?"

Luke: "Yes. She's happy. She's not screwed up."

Holly: "That's your problem. That never makes for a good story.

"Is the LA Weekly piece out today? You said the 20th."

Luke: "You so don't listen. I told you several times April 20th. I wrote several times April 20th."

Holly: "I seem to put everything in March. I tried to put your birthday in March."

Luke: "That's just one more thing that makes you endearing."

Holly: "I have March madness."

Luke: "You listen in spurts. You'll catch a number.

"I interpret it all as a personal diss of me."

Holly: "I got Your Life As Story today."

Luke: "You really did get it. That's one thing I can no longer say about you. That's going to constrict my writing."

Holly: "That was really nice what Devan said about me.

"I'm starting to shoot content exchanges on the weekend. It's fun to do my own thing. I'm not pressured to sell it to magazines. The girls are into it because they need it too. It's a good deal for the models. We pay for anything and then give them content."

Luke: "You're like a good Samaritan."

Holly: "I bang out anywhere between three to seven sets in a day."

Luke: "Is there any difference in the shooting style that you use?"

Holly: "When I shot Crystal Klein this weekend, we got to do some fun experimental lighting."

Luke: "How do these special effects make her vagina look?"

Holly: "It's not for her vagina. It just throws an interesting pattern of light on the whole person.

"Every girl calls her pussy something different."

Luke: "You haven't given me any keys to opening up your father's stony cold heart?"

Holly: "I haven't given you any keys to opening up my stony cold heart?"

Luke: "Your father's. I've given up on yours."

Holly: "That's wise. Smart move. I don't blame you.

"My dad is very much like me. You're not going to be able to get in there."

Luke: "I'll use the techniques that have worked so wonderfully on you and transfer them over to him. You don't have any tips?"

Holly: "You are the professional interviewer."

Luke: "But you are the fruit of his loins.

"The book is only a pretext to open him up."

Holly: "You better not ask him any mean questions. I don't trust you."

Luke: "What a slam. Let me pull myself off the floor and try to face life again and look at things in a new way and try to understand where I've gone wrong to engender such hostility in others when I've only meant to serve.

"How's your ankle?"

Holly: "Much better."

Luke: "How many positions can you do?"

Holly: "Haha.

"I'm pissed because I won't be able to exercise for a while..."

Luke: "You're really going to..."

Holly: "Yes, I'm going to gain enormous amounts of weight.

"It's not that that I'm worried about. I need to exercise for my sanity."

Luke: "Are you staying on the program?"

Holly: "The nutrition program or the no-drinking program?"

Luke: "No-drinking."

Holly: "Yes. You didn't believe me?"

Luke: "I wasn't sure you would do it. Almost a month."

Holly's shooting Tiffany Rayne and Nick Blue Tuesday.

Luke: "Does Nick say that his hero is a dead Austrian painter?"

Holly laughs. "He hasn't filled out the model quiz. I don't know who his heroes are.

"One of our models listed one of her heroes as Mona Lisa."

Luke: "That's what I love about porn. People are so honest. Send me a copy of your model quiz."

Holly: "That would be funny. I added questions like, 'What were you like in highschool?' Aria Giavanni was introverted in highschool.

"I like the questions that Rookiebabes pose to their girls. I don't know if they make up the girls' responses. Sometimes the girls will write such crap that I can't use it."

Holly might shoot some solo male layouts. "Men are more difficult to photograph. Women are more fluid and more flexible and men are boxy and square. Gay men are good at shooting men.

"This guy shot Jude Law at our house for Vanity Fair. I was so bummed that I was at school that day. I wanted to meet the photographer, not so much Jude Law. There were pictures of Jude hanging out with our dogs."

Holly wants the gory details on an adult friend of mine who got circumsized to convert to Judaism.

Holly and I agree that vaginal reconstruction surgery is generally a crazy idea.

I ask Holly if she's going to the doctor for her ankle.

Holly: "No. There's nothing they can do. I'm going to ice it and wrap it and elevate it.

"This morning I was crying."

Luke: "How many people did it take to carry you?"

Holly: "Very funny. Two, one on each arm. I could hobble on one foot."

Luke: "Were they bodybuilders?"

Holly: "One of them was my trainer. He took the heavy end. We all know what end that is.

"I was out in the middle of the soccer field. My trainer put me down on a mat. He carries around an emergency kit. He elevated my foot and made me ice it."

Luke: "Did you love it, being carried around by men and cared for?"

Holly: "No. I felt like a dumbass.

"I had just started the workout. I was jogging along. It was really nice out. I'm thinking I wasn't getting as tired as quickly as I thought I would. I feel good. I'm glad I'm out here this morning. Everything was going great. Then boom, crash. I stepped on a pinecone."

Crystal Klein and her fiance Rich have been staying with Holly since last Thursday.

Hobbling up the steps, carrying dogfood, Holly hands over the phone to Crystal.

Luke: "Is she getting you high every day?"

On New Year's Eve, Holly got Crystal high and the poor girl was knocked out for hours and had a split headache. Holly is a heavy stoner and so she was barely buzzed.

Crystal says she's not getting high this trip.

Luke: "Has she cooked for you?"

Crystal: "No."

Crystal's annoyed that I labelled a bunch of photos of Jamie Lynn in Las Vegas as "Crystal Klein."

Luke: "All you hos blur together."

Crystal: "Between Holly and me, who do you think was the bulldyke and who was the lipstick lesbian?"

Crystal claims that the members of her website crystalklein.com know "I'm smart. I have smart members, if you can say about members of a porn site. They're smart. They're not working class. They respect me."

Luke: "They respect you for what?"

Crystal: "For being smart.

"There's no bad talking on my message boards.

"You've wrecked Holly for me.

"If you knew what I know about you. She broke you. I know what you called her in bed. Your morals have changed."

Luke: "That's her fault. She made me use language in bed that I have never used before. I've never degraded a woman in bed before or pulled her hair or called her degrading names and made her do degrading things. I've never slapped a woman before or bit her."

I am shocked and appalled that my most private confidences with Holly have been violated. I just don't feel safe anymore having emotionally unprotected sex.

Crystal: "I love it, Luke. Call me something dirty."

Luke: "I can't. I'm never going there again. It's not my true self."

Crystal: "That is your true self and you're just shocked about that."

Luke: "I am never going to act like that again."

Crystal: "Yes you are. If Holly said, 'Come on over. Slap me in the face and call me a whore.'"

Luke: "I would say no. 'I am distancing myself because this is not what God wants for our lives.'

"You think I'm driven by my penis? That if Holly gave me the time of day, I'd be over there trying to stick it inside of her?"

Crystal laughs. "You're talking dirty already."

Luke: "I was trying to make a moral point about the degradation of women in our society and how I am opposed to it."

Crystal: "I should write a story about you. It's fascinating. I want to bring in my point of view.

"I am not as dirty as Holly but I'm certainly dirtier than you."

Luke: "Holly is a dirty little whore."

Crystal: "You just said it again."

Luke: "I don't like using that language. It's not the real me."

Crystal: "If you haven't used that language before does not mean it is not the real you.

"You strike me as the type of guy who restrains himself.

"Come on my couch. I'm going to help you. I've helped a lot of people. I'm really clever when it comes to that. I have a lot of empathy. I get people. I just need to find out a little bit more about you."

Luke: "Would you help me be the true man that I know I can be?"

Crystal: "Can you not be sarcastic for once?"

Luke: "Can you explain Holly to me?"

Crystal: "Yes, I could, but not right now."

4/1/06

Holly Randall Visits The Hovel

pic pic pic pic pic pic

Holly emails me Saturday:

I'm sorry the girls would prefer if the set [Sunday] stayed closed... I can bring you by all the stuff I've got for you later that evening, or even perhaps tonight if both our schedules permit. Again I apologize but I always respect the models' wishes. Maybe another time -- you should convince Kendra to let me shoot her, she says she's blonde now!

....I'm dashing off to Bed Bath & Beyond -- they close at 9 p.m. and I'm going crazy trying to organize my bathroom, which I can't do without those little plastic baskets I store odds and ends in. A few years ago, I never could have imagined myself doing that on a Saturday night.

I really AM going crazy. All I need now is crazy hair that I only half pin up with a scraggy clip, 10 cats, and I'm set.

Holly finally shows up at 10:11 p.m. Saturday with her new SUV.

She writes on suze.net:

I just got a new car exactly a week ago! I got the Volvo XC90 with leather interior and a navagation system because I always get lost... Now I just have to find a way to protect the back of my car so my crazy dog doesn't destroy it!

I just got a special protective backing for the cargo area as well as a dog barrier, gonna try and install it tomorrow. If it doesn't work and I'm going to have to leave Poe at home more often, I'm going to have to get him a little companion. I would want a lap dog that isn't too crazy and doesn't bark a lot. I was thinking a dachshund.

Holly sold her old SUV at half price to a friend in need. She's always doing things of unbelievable generosity. When I dated her, her generosity to men (insisting on throwing an ex-boyfriend a birthday party etc) would sometimes threaten my feelings of security about the unilateral nature of her affections.

She feels so many obligations to so many people that she gets overwhelmed. My obligations are few and clear. I want to lecture her about priorities but then I become awed by her kindness and I shut up.

Saturday night Holly brings two boxes of her photography work from highschool, lentil and tomato-basil soups, a container of sour cream, a copy of her dad's 1972 book The Dominant Man: The pecking order in human society and half a packet of chocolate-covered raisins.

I refuse the raisins so Holly finishes them. It's her dinner.

I make her lemon zinger herbal tea. She asks for two bags. She likes it strong.

She sits on the floor. I looks through her photos. Then I get her to give me an interview about being asked to pose nude when she was 14.

I give her my digital tape recorder and move it close to her mouth.

Holly: "I have to hold it?"

I nod.

Holly: "Hi machine that I will regret saying words to later."

We laugh.

Luke: "When did you first want to become a model?"

Holly: "Oh God. You know I'm terrible at remembering exactly what age...

"Yeah, my mother was a model. When I was much much younger, I wanted to be a veterinarian. But I was always fascinated with photos and fashion magazines and the images of beautiful girls and exotic settings."

Holly reached her height of 5'7" when she was 12, about the time she was first told that she had "a nice ass" -- a comment that persists to this day.

Holly: "There was a contest for YM (Young & Modern) magazine. I still have it. I wanted to enter... Are you going to take photos of me with this?"

As she starts talking, I assemble my camera and start taking photos. She puts down the tape recorder. I ask her to hold it close to her mouth. She refuses.

Holly: "I blinked in one of them."

I play the photos back.

Holly: "Do I still get editing rights?"

Luke: "Yes."

We erase a couple of photos. Then I put her on my chair by my computer.

Luke: "How do I get you in focus and the Jerusalem poster in focus at the same time?"

Holly: "You need a large depth of field."

I give up on that.

I give her the latest issue of Brooklyn's Orthodox weekly The Jewish Press. She hates it. She doesn't want to pose with it. She has no interest in the things of God.

I try to give her The Consolation of Philosophy.

Holly: "I'm not going to pose with that and be like all the porn stars you photographed. If I had read the book, I'd pose with it."

I give her the consolation of my attention and we finish the interview about photographer Rich Leon.

Holly: "Rich claimed he was Domonique Swain's agent and got her the lead in the remake of Lolita.

"I ran into him in Malibu six weeks ago.

"I was hanging out in front of Ben & Jerry's in Malibu [at age 14 when she was 125 pounds, about 15 pounds less than she is now] as I always did with my friends on the weekend. He came over to us once. He told me that he thought I was very pretty and had I considered modeling. That he had connections. He was an agent. He'd get me on the cover of Seventeen magazine.

"You tell a 14-year old girl that and she's like, 'Yay.' You're so stupid you think the guy is legit. He's the creepiest looking person I've ever seen.

"I said, 'OK. Let me talk to my parents about this.' I talked to my mother about it. She was dead-set against it. My mother has never encouraged me to model because she was a model. She warned me that it was a brutal job. There's a lot of rejection. It's very hard going on a lot of auditions and not getting jobs. So few make it. The rest struggle. It's damaging for your self-esteem.

"But I insisted and insisted. Finally she agreed to let this guy photograph me. He wanted to take test shots of me to send in. But only at my parents' house.

"I refused to let my mother be there watching. She and my father were home but I wouldn't let them follow us around the property and watch while he shot me because I'd be too embarrassed. At that age, you don't want your parents involved in anything.

"I'd seen my mother's photography. My mom had had one of her assistants help me out on a shoot and teach me stuff and light stuff for me. I had friends. We played in the studio. She made sure all the porn was put away. I knew something about equipment.

"He came over with just this rinky dinky camera. I remember being surprised. I thought he was this professional photographer. We took the photographs. He kept trying to get what he called a panty shot.

"He would put me in dresses. I was wearing underwear. He'd try to get me to open my legs in such a way that you would get that suggestive panty shot.

"He was taking photos of me in this little pink dollhouse. He said, 'Open your legs wider. Let's get a panty shot.' I said, 'I don't think so.' I didn't know how to say no but I pretty much said no.

"He got me to wear this see-through dress with only my underwear underneath. He tried to get me to take the underwear off. Then he told me he wanted to shoot me naked on a gravestone with just a scarf.

"I remember the last part of the shoot, the last look, we were shooting against this wall. I was getting more nervous. He was making me feel so uncomfortable.

"He was this beer-bellied guy in his mid fifties and he had acne scars and slightly cross-eyed and he comes up to me and takes my face..."

Holly scoots up and takes my face in her hand and squeezes me cheeks. She stares in my eyes like a creep.

Holly: "He said, 'Feel your beauty. Feel it come out of you. Loosen up.'

"It was such a horrific experience. Finally he left. My mom did not like him at all. When he left, she said to me, 'I do not want you to have anything to do with that guy.'

"He had this old beat-up white Cadillac. Everything was in the trunk. It was full of all this s---. He was obviously such a poseur.

"Then he came back with a book full of photographs. He said he wouldn't charge us because he wasn't happy with the way the photos turned out.

"He had never said anything about charging us in the first place. He said he wanted to shoot me to submit me, not that I had to pay him for it.

"The photographs were horrible. They were horribly lit. He had this strong flash-on-camera that made my face look red and shiny and brought out every single blemish. I looked nervous."

JMT writes me: "Intentional or unintentional homage to Rich Leon? My $300 Pentax-that-fits-in-an-Altoids-tin takes better pictures than this, in Fully Dummy Auto-Everything mode."

Holly: "The photos are at my parents' house.

"He showed his portfolio afterwards. It was basically 12-year-old girls in bikinis.

"I still see him in Malibu. I imagine he's still doing the same things.

"He shot the younger sister of my friend Katie. She had the same creepy experience wtih him.

"That whole thing pushed me towards photography. I thought that if this asshole could make a living doing this, I could do much better. I would make it such a better experience for the girls. It shouldn't be this old man leering."

Holly shot children for the Ford modeling agency a couple of times.

Luke: "If you could make equal money shoot kids for Ford or doing what you do now, which would you choose?"

Holly: "Doing what I do now. I love sexuality. I love making women look beautiful. Porn girls are far easier to work with than kids."

Luke: "How often do you have girls refuse your photo shoot requests?"

Holly: "I've only been turned down a few times for photo shoots -- and it was always because they didn't want to do explicit work or be associated with a website that does. I totally understand."

We sit back and sip our tea. Holly talks about putting her dog Poe on anti-anxiety medication.

Luke: "But you won't go on such medication."

Holly: "Even at my worst, I don't bite people."

At 11 p.m. she leaves. I give her a chaste peck on the cheek.

Our honor remains in tact.

Super strokeworthy pic of Holly Randall

Holly replies: "Yeah but my MOM is in the shot! Doesn't that kill the eroticism a bit?"

Zenman responds: "I can visually crop her out."

Holly writes: "As naughty as a girl that I am, I was nothing compared to my mom in her day, that's true! My sister is much better behaved than I am-- I'm the "wild child" in the family.

"I think I'm the least attractive sibling, in all honesty. You should see my brother-- he's a hottie! When Lanny Barby was staying with me, she tried to get him to snuggle with her (he has a girlfriend so he politely declined-- plus he's shy), and Cassidey Rae was asking me about him the other day. My sister is 19, in college and thinking about majoring in Anthropology... oh and she hates modeling now, I really had to twist her arm to do that photo shoot."

Suze Randall Suze Randall Suze Randall

Holly Randall: Don't read this because I don't want you to know me

Holly blogs April 8, 2006:

An ex of mine, the love of my life and still a good friend, said a strange thing to me the other day. He said that he didn't really know me. We dated for 10 months; if one would refer to my track record-- 3 months is my average-- that's pretty long. I was surprised, because I feel we are so alike, I thought he knew me. But he doesn't get me, which got me to thinking.

I realized I don't understand me either. And it really made me think of who the hell I am. I'm a complete paradox-- I believe in and wish for love, but I push all away who try to enter that realm with me.

My mother came by my house this morning, and as she wandered around what used to be our family home before we moved to Calabasas in 1993, she declared that I need a roomate. I live in a two story, 4 bedroom house by myself. It's a large place for one person, but I enjoy the solidarity. The hairs on the back of my neck instantly raised at the idea of someone invading my personal space.

"I don't want a roomate!" I demanded. "I prefer to be alone and most of the time I don't want people around me."

My mother cannot understand this because she loves to be social-- she loves having people around her and despises being alone. Many a time I have seen her sit back in her chair with a look of total satisfaction when she is at the dinner table with a group of friends or her family. I get that look when I'm curled up in my bed, with only the table lamp on and a book in my hands. Alone.

So she looks at me, perplexed. "Don't you get lonely?"

"Hell no. I have my dog, my vegetable garden, and my nightly baths. Screw the rest of you."

On the surface, I was obviously kidding. But then I wasn't. This is my problem -- I really do spend most of my free time alone. I have always been like this -- as a child, I had very few friends and I was distant to them even then. When I was playing in my room, at times my nanny would come in and sit down on the bed, pleased to observe her little darling. I would instantly stop playing, cross my arms, and stare angrily at her until she left. Even at the age of 7, I didn't want to let people into my world.

People may find this strange, because I am, on the surface, a social butterfly. I am a good girlfriend because you can take me to a party and I won't hang on your arm all night -- I will find interesting people and engage in conversation with them -- I know how to charm. You won't have to babysit me. I am well-spoken, polite in the right company, and very friendly. One would never guess that I'm a cold-hearted bitch. But I'm not. Yet I can be. I feel that everytime I try to define myself, I contradict myself. Sometimes I feel that my heart is frozen on the outside, but burning on the inside.

I want to help everyone on the planet, but I don't want anyone to help me. I just don't want you to get close. It freaks me out. And when I post this blog, I will probably get authentic messages from friends that claim they will always be there for me when I need them, but I won't take them up on it. And I'm not saying they won't mean it, but I don't want your help. I don't want anyone's help. When I am sad and lonely, the last thing I will do is pick up the phone and call a friend. I would rather wallow in my own misery, unobserved. It is my way, and if you don't get it, don't feel bad-- I don't get it either.

But I know I'm not emotionally dead-- I cry at sad movies, I love dogs and will stop to pet every one I pass on the street, I smile at babies and pregnant women, I believe in love and I hope one day that someone can actually put up with my "I need love but don't you dare give it to me" crap.

A few months ago, I went on a couple of dates with the "perfect guy" -- he was tall, handsome, my age, intelligent, well-educated, wealthy with a steady job, and very down to earth. We went out a couple of times and he declared to me that I "blew his mind" and I was "the most amazing girl" and many other over-the-top compliments. I became uncomfortable with his admiration of me-- I felt he didn't really know me, and therefore was unaware of my issues.

So what did the brilliant Holly Randall do? She got really drunk, made a fool of herself, and fucked everything up. He, being an intelligent guy worthy of someone who isn't a total fuckup-- wasn't interested in me anymore. This is one of the few times I've been rejected. And I was such an idiot I made damn sure he would never give me a second chance. Hell, I wouldn't. This is what I do -- I am so self-destructive that I will screw up anything good for me, and I mean personally. I don't fuck up for work -- I am dedicated to my job and I work my ass off for that. But if you try to get intimate with me -- that's another story.

I can't be like this for the rest of my life. I don't want to die alone, umarried, with no children. I want the good husband, the suburban home, the white-picket fence, the Golden Retriever and funny magnets to hang my children's art on the fridge with. I want love, I want happiness, I want peace. And I know I have all the tools to achieve that, I just have to believe in myself. Why is that so hard to do? I know others believe in me, what is that worth if I don't share their opinion? I've been sitting here, trying to come up with one phrase that defines me. I can't. I don't get me. Is this normal?

Penthouse Pet Crystal Klein Counsels Photographer Holly Randall

Crystal writes to Holly's blog entry about pushing people away:

Holly, I don't claim to know you from the inside out, but spending a little bit of time at your place now and again, I got at least a little insight into what makes you tick.

There is something positive about your desire to be alone most of the time. You might be surprised, but the majority of people actually have to learn that their very own presence can (or rather should be) enough. Why? Because it means no distraction. No distraction from your thoughts, no distraction from your real desires, no distraction from asking this very question you are asking here: "who am I?"

I've got a couple of friends who are indcredibly jubilent and bubbly 99% of the time, and I used to envy them for it, wondering how the hell they do it. Until I realised that they are only able to feel that way when around people. Don't get me wrong, they don't wear a mask or pretend, they really are happy in social circumstances; however, on the rare occasion they find themselves alone, all hell breaks loose. Every single time. How do I know that? Because I get desperate and depressed phone calls from them only then.

And that's a comman phenomenon.

Being able to enjoy one's own company is one of the hardest things to do. Take me for example: I love being all by myself, doing whatever the hell I wanna do. I crave it whenever I've been around people for only half a day. I just wanna get the hell out of there. It's emotionally draining for me. I enjoy being on my own for the rest of the day, but leave me alone for a few more days, and I become...how do I put it... strange. I don't motivate myself to do anything, I won't leave the house, I can't get the easiest daily routines done (my dishes will sit in the sink until I get busted) and my creativity goes down the toilet. Bottomline is: I still haven't learned to be my own best friend and be content with my own company.

So, if you don't develop any of those symptoms above while being alone, be insured you are a mile ahead of most people out there. They might just not be aware of their problem because they avoid exposing themselves to a situation where they really are on their own for a while - for obvious reasons.

Now, as to why you seem to push people (and men in particular) away most of the time, I obviously can't give you a right answer. However, let's play with the following theory, even if I might be completely wrong: first of all, you are obviously a very smart person. An intellectual I dare to say. People like you tend to criticize and scrutinize every little tiny detail about themselves...and more often than not, they are not entirely happy with their analysis of themselves.

Although you would probably not ever want to be anyone else because you know how smart, witty and talented you are, chances are that you are also very aware of your flaws...and maybe, to a certain extent, fear you are not as great as everyone thinks...or as you think yourself. By letting someone into your life completely (and we are talking living together), you risk sharing more of yourself than you could handle. You fear you might have lived in an illusion and your guy will make you discover that you are not as smart, or as witty, or as social, or as stable, or as talented as everyone else perceives you.

Your comment about having been rejected only very few times seems to support the case I am trying to make....because really, only those that won't let people a in all the way, will not be rejected. Imperfections don't surface, weaknesses are not shown, insecurities don't exist. You are able to just show your strong sides....and who would reject that?

God, have I been rejected a thousand times because of my real nature, and damn is it hard for me to show the real me because of that. I have pushed people away till I was 18, although all the guys adored me, but because I couldn't risk having them find out that I might not be as cool as I seem, I kept them at distance in order to be able to continue to enjoy their endless admiration. Until my first boyfriend broke my mold.

He had been after me for five full years, and adored me to an extent that was almost ridiculous. I met him at 13 and had an immediate crush on him. Until he confessed his endless love for me. Although I enjoyed the following years of being pursued and adored by him tremendously, I also felt...repulsion. I was asking myself why the hell he would think of me so much when he didn't even know me. And I looked down on him for feeling that way for someone....like me. To this day I cannot believe that he got me in the end. I am unbelievably grateful for that though. From feeling disgusted by a simple hug from him, I went to appointing him the one to take my virginity...and to be my first love.

I don't know exactly how it happened, all I know is that gradually I let him in ( I had no choice, he was always around me), and by doing so I also discovered that he still looked at me with the same adoration...although he got to know everything that I always feared to share. And geez, was that a freeing experience. Ever since then I have come to realise that most people will love me even when they really, really know me. And it has made me feel much better about myself. I have had my fair share of rejection since then as well, but I'm glad I did. I wouldn't have learned as much as I did about myself otherwise. So, I'm just sharing this experience with you in order to maybe make you see yourself in it at all....and maybe take something with you.

If you don't ever ever allow anyone in completely, you might never experience that which you are searching for. Because you don't allow it to happen. And you don't allow yourself to like everything you are to the full extent. I would have never thought that I can spend almost 24/7 with the same person...for almost 4 years now. The trick is to give up everything you ever pretended to be, and let the other person see you as you see yourself. Then, only then, will being around someone for a large amount of time not evoke panic reactions, but fill you with comfort. Because you can be everything you'd be if you were on your own. Without being judged for funny habits or annyoing flaws. It's quite an amazing thing.

Being around people is most of the time still exhausting for me. I like it for a limited time, but I can only take so much. Why? Because although they all perceive me as a socially skilled and emotionally open person, deep inside I am not. But I wouldn't wanna come across any other way. That's why it drains me. Because I can't let go and be myself all the way in front of everyboday. And I don't have to be. Because I am loved by those that really know me, and therefore I've come to terms with the fact that at heart, I am a loner. And so should you.

4/17/06

Mondays With Holly

Movie of Holly Randall's Secret Garden, yes she read that Nancy Friday book, I direct the bitch and make her to shake it for my audience Holly munches on cilantro Holly Holly Holly Movie of Holly with her dog Poe and her big ass Honey Bear

1:15 p.m. She shows me her vegetable garden. I love it when she takes on wholesome hobbies. It's such a change from the pornographic filth that normally fills her depraved existence.

Then she takes me to lunch at Lula's on Main St in Santa Monica. It's where we ate on Oct 30 before we first did the deed.

Holly again orders shrimp fajitas. I again order a vegetarian tostada.

"Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs Randall?" I think.

I tease her about the low intellectual level of posters to her MySpace page and suze.net Holly forum.

Since buying her new Volvo SUV, Holly does not like being driven. Not on the road anyway. She has an S-M thing in her personal life, which makes her a better fetish photographer, she says.

She shows me photos of her shoots with Charlie Laine and Lexxi Tyler as well as Angie Savage and Alektra Blue. I understand that some men find these things erotic but I'd rather dive into a good book.

"Holly shoots violence against women is my headline," I say as I look at her photo shoot.

"It's all in good fun," Holly claims.

Lexxi has taken a nipple clamp to Charlie's vagina.

I ask Holly how she would like that done to her.

She wouldn't.

That's one of the rare things that hasn't been done to her.

Luke: "How could you choose to have that done to someone else?"

Holly: "Because I'm a pervert. Lexxi presents Charlie with a tray of toys and Charlie has to pick her punishment. She picks the clamp."

Luke: "So it's got a story?"

Holly: "Yeah. That's why I like shooting fetish. It always has some kind of story.

"I said let's use the clamp on her nipples and Charlie says, use it on my pussy, it doesn't hurt at all. I thought it would be painful."

Holly loves a photo where the two girls look in the mirror. "My whole thing here -- Look at yourself in the mirror, bitch," says Holly, channeling Lexxi Tyler. "Look at what a whore you are. I'm going to beat you up. It's hot."

I can see Holly's getting worked up and I start praying to God that I can leave her house with my newfound chastity intact. What would I ever say to my wife on my wedding day if I were weak now?

Luke: "Where do you find meaning in your work?"

Holly: "This shoot. Emma did the make-up. Angie Savage looked amazing. Alektra Blue looked at these pictures after I had taken them and was so excited about how good she looked. She said, 'I've always wanted to model since I was a little girl and this is the first time I've ever looked the way I've envisioned I look.

"She was was so excited about the way she looked, for me that's the best part."

Luke: "Does it matter when you cut off their elbow [in a shot]?"

Holly: "Oh yeah, that's a bad shot. This is not edited."

Luke: "How do you bring out her [Alektra's] inner beauty like that?"

Holly laughs. "Make her feel confident and sexy."

Luke: "How do you do that?"

Holly: "Make them look good with an excellent make-up job and lighting and styling."

Luke: "Did you do your own lighting on this?"

Holly: "Did I do it myself?"

Luke: "No, you had an assistant."

Holly: "Yeah, this is a full day."

Luke: "On a content exchange?"

Holly: "I have an assistant. I did it that one time with Aimee Sweet and it killed me. If I'm going to shoot five sets in a day, I'm going to need help. But we sit there and contemplate the way we're going to light it together."

Luke: "So you have ideas too about lighting?"

Holly: "Yes, I do. Screw you! I know what I'm doing, dickwad!"

She punches me.

She punches like her mother.

Luke: "That's not what I read on this thread."

Holly: "That is [bad word].

"Anyone who's a professional photographer knows that you have to have an assistant."

Luke: "Who's that?"

Holly: "Angie Savage. I made her get [an artificial] tan."

Luke: "What else did you make her do that she's never done before? Did you make her do that pose?"

I point to one where she's spreading her legs.

Holly: "Yes, she's never done that before. This is a centerfold for High Society."

Luke: "How about working with children?"

Holly: "I already have. They're a pain in the ass."

Luke: "Where did she get those tits?"

Holly: "I don't know her doctor."

Luke: "What do you think she's thinking about when she's posing like that?"

Angie has her mouth and legs open.

Holly: "She's thinking if she's looking good and what she'll have for dinner tonight."

Luke: "That's not what I'm thinking about with her picture."

Holly: "Well, that's all I have to show you."

Subtext: Get the hell out of my house, creep!

I see a photo that reminds me of something.

I email Holly's dad Mr Knipe:

I was telling Holly today that one of her photos reminded me of that infamous Hustler cover of a woman being fed into a meatgrinder. She said you came up with that cover.

In retrospect, are you proud or ashamed of that cover? What were you thinking? What were the circumstances? Did you say it as a joke and someone (who?) ran with it?

Humphry replies:

It was my idea, yes. Bruce David told me that Larry was looking for a cover to illustrate the idea that Hustler would no longer "hang women up women like pieces of meat."

He invited me to come up with an idea. Into my ever vivid imagination popped this image (I'm a leg man, you see). It was published as the Hustler June 1978 cover (attached). Irony almost a sweet as Swift's "A Modest Proposal."

A lot of women didn't get the joke - hordes of them milled around outside the Hustler offices with posters deploring it. My 15 minutes of infamy!

Holly's mom Suze Randall has been nominated for a FAME Best Director award, even though she hasn't directed a movie since the 1980s. Isn't America a great country?

Did Suze Randall ever do porn?

No. She posed nude a few times but never had sex on camera.

Nietzsche writes on ADT: "I want to see her daughter Holly in some serious American Bukkake or Gag Factor action. She's prime stroke material."

Junglew writes: "I have never seen any...hardcore photos of Susie although she does bear a remarkable likeness to Aunt Peg of the 80's but no cake. The photo quality of Suze's movies is remarkable. The hair, makeup and attention to details in the models is amazing."

Cumwhipper writes: "After seeing pics of Holly, I must concur with your sentiments. I realize that you have squatter's rights, but can you please save some real estate on that gorgeous visage for my pearly white love bullets?"

Holly Randall writes on ADT:

First of all, thanks everyone for the compliments. I can't think of a better way to make a woman feel all warm and gushy inside than to offer up spraying your knuckle babies all over her face. Seriously though, I'm flattered.

As for my mom, no she's never performed sexually in a porn film, but I do believe she played a game show host on one of her 80s flicks-- Miss Passion, I think? She's sporting a blue mohawk and has a dildo for a microphone, I believe. I just remember my brother and I falling over laughing when we discovered that one. When I was a little girl I couldn't figure out why my mom had dyed and styled her hair so strangely, but now it all makes sense.

But as far as stills go, Suze shot herself nude for Playboy and then again for Hustler years later. These issues come up on Ebay every once in a while -- I have a couple copies of the Playboy one, but the Hustler layout is a bit too raunchy for me to keep around the house.

I Read A Novel That Reminds Me Of Holly

Binnie Kirshenbaum writes in A Disturbance in One Place about a married woman who carries on simultaneous affairs with a professor, a multi-media artist and the love of her life:

If there is one thing I excel at, it is giving head. I give good head. No, I give great head. I'm a professional when it comes to performing oral sex.

...Giving great head compensates for giving a lousy hand-job.

...He moans, and my mouth, open, wet, and eager, swoops over him.

How gratifying to have my praises sung! Cries of ecstasy! He pleads for me to stop, to go, more, oh please, and his eyes roll back in his head. "I can't hold it, babe," he says, and his gob jets into my mouth. I swallow, and it shimmies down my esophagus the way an oyster would. Like the oyster, it, too, is an acquired taste.

...Find a husband who is absorbed with his career, with a sport, or with a mistress.

Adultery is next to impossible if your husband is like a pet ferret, snooping, sniffing, curious. Also, it won't work if your husband is possessive and insecure.

Find a husband with a cold streak.

Keep your adultery clean, your stories streamlined.

4/19/06

Holly Randall Emails Me: 'See! I'm Healthy!'

She sends me the following news story: "Women who perform the act of fellatio and swallow semen on a regular basis, one to two times a week, may reduce their risk of breast cancer by up to 40 percent..."

I'm glad to hear Holly's swallowing semen by the gallon. If you would like a free blowjob, just email her at hollyrandall@suze.net.

Meanwhile, I'm home alone reading The Purpose Driven Life.

The next time I get head it's going to be special in a way that secular people such as Holly will never understand.

Life is a narrow bridge. The most important thing is not to be afraid.

David writes: "On the behalf of men everywhere, thanks for helping get the word out on that."

Holly writes:

Yooooouuu butthead!

I give you an interesting news article, and this is what I get?

I'm hitting every public bathroom on the way home and scrawling "Call Luke for a good time" with your number on the stall walls.

I've included the pics from Easter -- you know, what I do when I'm not swallowing semen by the gallon.

pic pic pic pic

Holly Randall Part One Part Two Part Three