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Holly Randall Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four 4/21/06 I return her call Friday morning, April 21, 2006. Her dog Poe barks loudly. Holly: "He barks whenever that ring tone goes off." She used to have a ring tone for me that said, in effect, "Here's trouble." Luke: "I've still got my own ring tone?" Holly: "You did before I dropped [her cell phone] in the toilet at the AVN show. I haven't gotten you a new one. You don't call me any more. "Hold on. Let me just blowdry this one hair." Twenty seconds later. Holly: "Looking at your pictures from the XRCO, it makes me feel better about myself. Brea looks great. Who's the blonde girl you took more pictures of than anyone?" Luke: "Vivid girl Stefani Morgan. She's stunning." Holly: "She's cute. Not that it matters. If she's a Vivid girl, we can't shoot her." Luke: "What was I going to say?" Holly: "Anything brilliant?" Luke: "A lot of people asked after you. I said it wasn't your scene." Holly: "I'm not nominated for anything. "Can I call you right back?" Holly's famous last words. Forty minutes later, she calls. Holly: "I figured I'd wait to call you until I was in the car." Luke: "Do you look stunning now?" Holly: "I do my hair these days. I don't wear any make-up. My hair is a nightmare if I just let it dry naturally. It looks like a bad eighties perm. I have the worst natural hair. "Who got the drunkest at the XRCO Awards?" Luke: "I don't know. I couldn't tell if you had ten drinks or zero." Holly yells about the driver in front of her: "Lady, if you don't go, I'm going to kick your ass. "I'm in the drive-through at Coffee Bean [Holly prefers Starbucks]. "Who won Teen Dream?" Luke: "I don't know any of the winners." Holly: "What are the categories?" Luke: "I don't know." Holly: "What happens?" Luke: "There's no entertainment. People start showing up at 7 p.m. They start at 10 p.m. They're over by 11 p.m." Holly: "Is there a bar there?" Luke: "Yes. There's a lot of drinking." Holly: "I've been told I should go just to watch everyone get wasted." Luke: "Why?" Holly: "That's what I said. "I'm shooting Jenna Presley Monday. You have to book that girl a month in advance. "I'm taking my friend to yoga tomorrow morning. I don't like being close to people I don't know, particularly when I'm doing yoga or trying to meditate. You know I don't like strangers touching me. I dont' like crowds. "Have you done yoga?" Luke: "No." Holly: "The first time I went, they were lame. It was too spiritual. I started giggling. "In bootcamp this morning, Chris took these awful photos of me running with buckets of sand dragging a parachute behind me. He comes up with exercises to make us look like the biggest idiots on the planet." Luke: "A lot of people have abused me for that harmless line I wrote about you swallowing semen by the gallon." Holly: "I thought it was funny. 'I love what you did to her.' What did you do to me? It was a joke. People take themselves too seriously. People get offended too easily." Luke: "You are the one woman in 10,000 who would not get offended by that line." Holly: "I love that thing Kevin said, 'You should keep quiet [about dating Holly]. She could lose a lot of work.' "People are going to stop joining my website? High Society is going to stop buying my sets? How could I lose work?" Holly orders: "Could I get a large non-fat sugar-free vanilla latte please? And a bottle of water?" Luke: "You had similar concerns back then." Holly: "Yeah." Luke: "You thought I was out to destroy the industry and you couldn't be associated with that." Holly: "Yeah. "You obviously have a negative attitude towards the industry. I'm supposed to have a positive attitude towards it. It's mixed. "Oil and vinegar." Luke: "Did you get any guys emailing you for a free BJ?" Holly: "No. I'm very offended. Nobody wants blowjobs from Holly Randall." Luke: "I had readers who didn't realize it was a joke." Holly: "My parents are going away on another trip. "What are you guys doing? Rekindling romance? "It's creeping me out. They're acting like normal parents. I'm not used to this. "I remembered the funniest story about another humiliating experience I had as a child. "When I was ten, my parents insisted I attend the Beverly Hills Cotillion to learn proper ballroom dancing -- foxtrot, etc. Because I was the oldest child, my parents tried hard to instill a great deal of culture in me. "My mother used to always say that I had to learn horseback riding, tennis, good table manners 'because you never know when you're going to be dining with the president of the United States.' "This is a formal stuffy thing. "Looking back, I can't comprehend what was going through her mind when she put me in this outfit and what was going through my mind when I allowed her to. "She sent me to cotillion in a bright hot pink spandex jumpsuit. There was a skirt ruffle two inches long. "My mom used to shoot for Swimsuit International, a clothing catalogue. I guess she got this clothing from it. "It was the weekend before Halloween. The woman who ran the class came up to me and goes, 'Halloween is next weekend.' I said, 'I know. My mom put me in this.' "They made me leave. "That had to be one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. "After that incident, I made my mom go out and buy me a dress. "I'm trying to remember all these humiliating experiences for my book." Luke: "By the time I'm done with you, I'm going to have my own book on you." Holly: "A friend of mine wants to write a book on my mom and me. It was her mom's idea. "People are so fascinated with our story, and promise to pitch it to HBO, and nothing ever comes of it." Jim writes me: "My partner says you need to stop giving Holly such attention! You need to ignore her if you want her." 4/23/06 Video of Holly dancing with the orchid she bought me video of Holly driving, we hear a boom and see a bicyclist recovering from slamming into a just opened car door video of Holly chewing gum video of Holly stripping video of me chasing Holly around the house with a knife Does anyone notice a development in my directing technique? I nurse my sore elbow (too many hours on the computer with bad ergonomics, going to the doctor this week) with a frozen bag of peas Saturday night and Sunday morning. Then I stop by Holly's house. We hug and kiss on the cheek. "You look great," I say. "Yeah, my hair's in rollers," she says. "But you like Plain Janes." "Beggars can't be choosers," said my friend KB last week. On the plus side, Holly's dressed (no bra). I follow her into the bathroom while she curls her hair. I wrap my arms around her while she works. "You better step back, I'm going to put on hairspray. "We're going to find you a domestic submissive Jewish woman today," says Holly.
On our drive west, Holly tells me, "I'm glad you're OK with Plain Janes." "I thought a dozen times before I included that comment on my blog," I reply. "I knew you'd see it. You're a woman in a thousand to not take offense." "I get enough compliments on my looks to know that I'm desirable," she says. "I don't need to hear it from you." We run down a list of guys trying to ---- her. We find Santa Monica's farmer's market on Main St. "I'm feeling organic today," says Holly. "Do you think they take credit cards?" "I've got cash," I offer. "Not enough for me," Holly laughs. She says I don't edit my pictures. "You posted some of the Vivid girl where her eyes are closed." "But then she has the kind of countenance...." "Gross," says Holly. "You're disgusting." "I used to think it was disgusting," I say. "But then you taught me it was cool." "It was my fault that I perverted you?" "Yeah. I never even heard of the practice until KB told me that the morning after he had some stripper, she said to him, 'You're such a gentleman. Most men ---- on my face while I'm sleeping." I rejoice in some of the horrible shots I took at XRCO. Nothing makes me happier than when I capture a hideous photo. In my interviews, I love capturing people at their most inadvertently hideous. "I'm the opposite," says Holly. "I love to capture a woman's beauty. I've had girls cry when they've looked at my photos of them." "I've had girls cry at my photos too," I say. "I bet." Holly says a rabbi is coming to her parents house to pick up a car they donated to a Jewish charity for a tax write-off. I'm excited. I ask what type of rabbi. She doesn't know. Whatever he is, maybe he can counsel her? Holly says no. We head for a liquor store and Holly hits up the ATM. "Who's that man on the cover of the LA Weekly?" I repeat throughout the day. It doesn't get me the type of earthly satisfaction that so many men crave. "Are you going to pick up a copy and carry it around?" she asks. "Yes." I pick up a copy and carry it around. Nobody notices. I don't see one hot chick reading the mag. I want to start teaching blogging to inner-city youth. I want to become a big brother but to a teenage girl of legal age. Holly buys me a purple orchid and a carton of strawberries. She wants to buy me a lavender water spray. She gives me several samples on my face. I love it but say no. "Because it's gay?" she asks. "Yes." "Try this," says a man and spray me with sagebrush water. I don't like it as much. Noon. "I'm hot," Holly says. "I'll be the judge of that." "According to you, I'm a Plain Jane." At a booth, a woman has a paperback of Paul Theroux's travel book Dark Star Safari: Overland from Cairo to Capetown. "I read that book," I tell her. "About ten people have told me that," she says. "One woman says she had an affair with the author." Holly and I pass a booth protesting President Bush's wiretapping. "You just wish I'd stop tapping our phone calls," I say. "Joanna Angel really has it going on," says Holly. "You blog that she has a column in Spin magazine. You blog that I have a vegetable garden." We have lunch at the World Cafe. I get a two-cheese pizza and Holly has a Greek Salad and an orange juice. Holly shivers. She says Derrick Pierce gives a great backrub. "We're going to hire him for all our scenes," she laughs. I tell her to button up her jean jacket. She won't. A few minutes later, I repeat myself. She still won't. Holly shivers. "Are your nipples hard?" I ask. She opens her jacket. Her nipples thrust against her white top. I'm forcefully reminded that this shameless hussy is not wearing a bra. Disgusted, I spiritually put her behind me. I'd rather go into the desert for 30 days with a dozen guys than have to make love to Holly one more time. "Get thee behind me Holly," I pray. Why must shiksas torment so with their lewd ways? Holly shivers. She pays the bill in a hurry. We drive back to her place. I ask her if she's got a steady dealer for her dope. She says yes but might give it up soon (she's been saying that for months). She's noticing big gaps in her memory. "You have a huge drug tolerance," I say. "Yes. I went to have four wisdom teeth removed by my dentist. He gave me one shot and said, 'I'll come back in a minute and check on you. That should numb you.' He came back. My mouth was still not numb. He had to give me three shots. "He asked my mother afterwards, 'Does your daughter do a lot of drugs?'" Suze said no. That Holly only smoked pot. The dentist said Holly had the highest drug tolerance of any patient he's had in 30 years. That makes me proud. Suze Randall is releasing an all-anal movie. Holly directed most of the scenes because she has a special touch with anal. She gets directing credit. That makes me proud. It's called Love Between the Cheeks. Holly: "We were trying to come up with a name for the DVD. My mom wanted to use, 'Up Yours' which I thought was ridiculous because that's what she says to everybody. Then Raoul said as a joke, 'What about Love Between the Cheeks.' "I thought it was so funny, I said, 'We have to use that.' "As you can tell, I don't take porn as seriously as some people do." "To what do you attribute your success with shooting anal sex?" "A girl's ability to take a huge dick up her ass. It has nothing to do with me." "I'm so proud of you, honey." "I know you are." "That anal sex DVD paid for my lunch." Holly might get a t-shirt for the next AEE in Vegas that reads: "I gave Club Jenna 40 sets and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." They offered her Club Jenna merchandise for all her photo sets of their girls. No content exchanges. No money. Just merchandise. I know Holly's not a rocket scientist, but she's not that dumb. Holly writes later:
I email Holly: "We have to dress you up and make more crazy movies." She replies: "That would be fun. I love making an ass out of myself." I reply:
Holly replies: "Um, I was thinking more along the lines of wearing an afro wig and doing a silly dance." Love is a battlefield. Kami Andrews emails me: "Whenever my dad would say anything horrible, he would laugh, like that made us think it didn't hurt? By posting this, is Holly laughing so we think it doesn't hurt?" Yes, it is sad. Holly's like that, she has a good sense of humor, which she often uses as a defence. "I figured as much. She is definitely the smartest chick I've come across." Holly Asks Why I'm Negative Holly writes April 28, 2006: "Just out of curiosity, why do you never include the positive feedback [Suze Randall] along with the negative? Every time you post any criticisms, you deliberately leave out any postive or supportive response and only post the negative. I guess that's what sells." I reply:
I call Holly back Saturday night, April 29, 2006. She's about to start her period. She apologizes for her abrupt emails Friday. "Work is always insane. I tell people to just stay away from me for the three days before my period or I might bite their head off." Luke: "It's just another side to you. I'm sure there are people who know how to relate to you with love during that time period." Holly: "No. Before my period, I become a huge bitch. Stay far away from me. If I'm dating a guy, I will tell him. 'I'm sorry, this is the way I am. Just ignore me the next three days. Don't pay attention to anything I say. "I was in the supermarket today and I bought a big heavy pack of firelogs. There was this sweet young 16 year old black boy putting my groceries away. He asked if I needed help out to my car. "I said no, I'm fine. "He said, 'No. Really mam, I would like to help you. This is a heavy box.' "I said, 'I am not weak. I can carry it myself. I'm not a pathetic weakling. Forget about it.' "He said, 'Mam, that's not what I meant. I'm a man. You're a woman. It's my duty to help you put these heavy things in your car.' "I said, 'Wow, your momma was on your ass. But I do everything by myself. I live alone. I don't need your help.' "He said, 'But you're a woman. You need a good man to take care of you.' "I looked him in the eye and said, 'Sweetheart, nobody has ever taken care of me and you are the last person to start.' "I've always been incredibly independent and never had anyone take care of me." Luke: "I'm sure that's not true but I understand that's the way you want to view your life." We come to the end of our conversation. Holly's been cooking all day for a friend's birthday party. I know that we can part one of two ways. One, I can feel aggrieved (I love to feel angry and isolated, it is from that state I do my best writing) because I've had no sense that Holly was interested in what was happening in my life. Or two, I could just interject and tell her what was happening. I choose option two. 5/1/06 Holly's Turning Into Her Mother Suze Randall HollyRandall: someone just sent me my mom's Hustler layout, and there's
a big shot of her vagina in there HollyRandall: I put up my gallery of too many pics of myself 5/3/06 Luke: Honey, I need to tell you something Holly Randall Says She's 'The Most Horrible Person In The World' HollyRandall: i am the most horrible person in the world 5/17/06 Pushing My Luck With Holly Randall, Jenna Jameson I don't like to ask people for things aside from interviews, but my new friend Cam pushed me to put together my best work for a book. There are chapters on Jenna and Holly. I got Holly to give me some pictures which she emailed me in .tif format. Once I'd gotten my photos, I risked overstepping my boundaries. To give the following context, remember that Jenna said in her autobiography that Suze exploited her. Holly, the eldest child, is hyper-protective of her family. I remember five months ago, after she read my memoir, she was convinced that I was out to destroy the industry (that she dare not show it to her parents) and that she couldn't have any part of that and she was exhausted from all the flak she took from being associated with me... HollyRandall: did you get all the files you needed? I reply to Jenna:
Jenna responds: "OY VEY. "In response to Holly’s barb -- I understand being protective of your mom. But I spoke the truth. Period. I was 18 and knew NOTHING about the industry. I would expect someone with your mother experience and the fact that she is a woman, to be less of a shark. Sorry, I tend to speak my mind." Holly is like a mother bear looking after her cubs, only her cubs are her parents (in addition to her siblings and her friends). "Totally understandable." Former Hustler magazine Editor Allan MacDonell painted the same view of Suze as Jenna and Tera Patrick. Let's be real folks. Porn is all about pimps and hos (I don't exempt myself from this critique). If you're in the biz, you're either a pimp or a ho. If you're a pimp (photographer), you try to squeeze as much as possible from the talent and pay them as little as possible. If you're a ho, you try to get as much money as possible for as little effort as possible. Any other approach to porn doesn't last, so it doesn't matter. The only reason to be in this business is money (and attention and immortality). There's no nobility in producing porn. All you do is exploit the basest human emotions by preying on the weak and getting them to do things that will forever hurt them and those who care about them. To make or do porn is to wreak havoc on the vulnerable (I've wreaked plenty of havoc on the vulnerable through my gossipmongering so I am not saying I am better than the people I write about). See what happened to that teacher Tericka Dye (ex-porn star Rikki Andersin) who can never hold her head up in polite society again (without an extraordinary amount of fortitude and accomplishment on her part and unusual forgiveness by those around her). A friend of mine who is a pornographer responded to Rikki's plight thus: "I've sold a lot of copies of Wet Cum Shots 6 that she stars in. I doubt she'll be able to get a job anywhere. She may as well just set up a webcam and just masturbate online for Steamray." Yay for porn and for the way it empowers women! See what happened to Brandy Alexandre and her job at Forest Lawn. Jenna's book was gentle on the industry. She was far tougher on herself than on porn. That girl went through hell (much of it, after she was 18, of her own creation). I haven't read Suze's book Suze (written by her husband Humphry and published in 1977) but from all indications (Suze and Humph were kicked out of the Playboy circle because of it and suffered other indignities) Jenna was no more harsh towards her early employer and friend Suze than Suze was to her early employer and friend Hugh Hefner. The big difference is that Jenna's book was a bestseller and Suze's wasn't. Jenna became a mainstream celebrity. Suze didn't. On page 180, Allan MacDonell writes about Suze Randall:
On page 239, Allan writes:
Kami Andrews writes me: "I've felt that so many times and not had the words for it. I wish I could express myself like that." On page 101 of her book, How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale, Jenna Jameson begins:
Last October, Holly called me spewing with rage over this passage by Tera Patrick in the book Naked Ambition: Women Who Are Changing Pornography:
Holly gave me my copy of the book Naked Ambition. She inscribed it: "To Luke - For your reading pleasure and assured scathing criticism. Love [I can't read the name but I assume it is Holly]." Holly noted her mom was in her fifties when she met Tera and unlikely to hit on her. And that Tera's pictures would pay for no more than a few square feet of her parents Malibu ranch. HollyRandall: I just can't believe she blamed my mom for not getting
into Penthouse-- that's what made me mad Jenna didn't blame Suze for not getting into Penthouse. She blamed Suze for leading her along, telling her that this next shoot just might get her into Penthouse. Jenna blamed Suze for taking advantage of her naivety. Jenna blamed Suze for leading her on. Holly takes after her mother. She's generous and charming but makes a lot of promises that she not only does not keep, but claims to have no memory of ever making. Some of this trait is probably endemic to photographers who prey on the dreams of models. As Holly told me after one of my protestations of love, "I need someone more reliable than you and you need someone more reliable than me." 5/19/06 Celebrity Sleuth Magazine Selects Holly Randall In Its 25 Sexiest Women Issue HollyRandall: so Celebrity Sleuth is going to put me in their 25 sexiest
issue Holly harshes on Sierra Sinn: "I'm postive that's her, because she came back in for test shots a few months ago after we'd initially shot her, and she was on her way to looking like that. What I don't get is her nose... did she just get bad lip injections that traveled upwards?" Holly rarely applies these standards to her men. If you're a broke writer, you're in. Holly on Jeanie Marie: "We shot her a few times when she looked good and our members loved her -- I even sent her to my dermatologist to help fix up her skin but if she can't stay off the drugs it's useless." Holly on her sister Lucy: "This photo isn't photoshopped at all-- but I won't lie to you my sister's hair is at this moment a disaster and lord knows what color -- I went through the "I don't care how I look so I'm going to wear black and have crappy hair" stage, and look at what a yuppie I am now. If someone had told me at the age of 16 that one day I'd willingly wear pink I would have shot myself on the spot." Holly on Dillan Lauren: "This video gave me a much needed laugh-- I love Dillan she's hilarious and this video reminds me to stay on her good side. That girl can kick some ass." 5/24/06 If It Takes Holly Randall Going To Jail To Clean Up This Industry, I'm Willing To Make That Sacrifice I call my friend Levi. He's never met Holly and frankly I want to keep it that way, even if it means sending Holly to jail on a bum rap and enforcing her celibacy with the power of my pen. Luke: "God gave you a mind to study Torah and you use it to play video games." Levi: "God lost his investment. "I'm just a little boy in a big scary world." Luke: "What's the connection between Israelis and duplication and replication?" Levi: "It's a cash cow. Jews love money. Except for you, but you're a converso. That gives it away more than the accent. Your hovel. If Holly wanted a real Jew, get somebody with a bank account." Luke: "I told Holly that if she couldn't be happy with me, I'd want her to end up with you." Levi: "Thank you. When I meet her, I will tell her, Luke once IM'd me and asked, 'Have you ever had intercourse with Holly Randall?' I said, 'I've never met Holly Randall.' 'Good, let's keep it that way.' "I only know her through your site. "Your real story is why we used to use really big trays for VHS tapes. To make things look bigger on the shelves. It was ironic when the only big DVD cases you bought were Disney and porn. "Why are you hung up on DVD replication?" Luke: "It's just part of my general search for meaning, truth and justice. Why are we here? Is there no higher purpose?" Levi: "You just want to put us all in jail. You hate porn but you have this internal conflict because there are certain porners you consider token friends." Luke: "If Holly going to jail is what it takes to clean up this industry, I'm willing to sign off." Levi: "In a world without repercussions or moral implications, if you were in a room with guns and everybody in the porn industry tied up, I don't think you'd kill everybody." Luke: "I'd be selective. I'd be just and merciful." Levi: "How would you feel if you put everyone in porn in jail?" Luke: "I'd feel good. I'd walk around with a big woody." Levi: "Did you get laid more when you were written about a lot?" Luke: "Yeah." But that's not what truly matters in life. Levi: "Shiksas often? People not in porn." Luke: "Yeah. I had this woman email me after the True Hollywood Story on Linda Lovelace. She said I had nice eyes." Levi: "You do have very nice eyes." Luke: "Thank you. You've never said that to me before." Levi: "Did you have relations with Jamie Lynn or Cassia Riley?" Luke: "No." Levi: "Do you ever raise your hand to Holly?" Luke: "No. She likes it much rougher than I can give it to her." 5/29/06 Holly Randall Throws Me A 40th Birthday Party Derrick Pierce, Lexxi Tyler Lexxi, Eric Mittleman Derrick, Lexxi Lexxi, Justin Levine Lexxi, Justin Heather Veitch of JCsGirls Martina Warren Martina Warren Martina Warren Martina, Luke Y. Thompson Martina, Luke Y. Thompson Martina, Luke Y. Thompson Heather Veitch, Steve Aria Giovanni, Luke Thompson Aria Giovanni, Luke Y. Thompson Aria, Justin Aria, Luke Thompson Aria, Justin Crystal Klein, Adam Grayson Crystal, Adam Shay Laren, Crissy Klein Shay, Crissy Jamie Lynn and her mom Lisa Lisa, Jamie Penthouse girls Penthouse girls Penthouse girls Penthouse girls Crystal Klein, Luke Crystal Klein, Luke Crissy, Luke Crissy, Holly bring out my birthday cake, Holly tries in vain to keep the 40 candles from blowing out Justin, Crissy, Holly Crissy, Holly Lexxi, Luke Lexxi, Luke, Rich (Crystal's fiance) Lexxi, Luke, Rich Lexxi, Luke Shay Laren Shay Laren Crystal Klein, Shay Laren Shay Laren Crystal, Shay Shay Shay Crystal, Shay smoke Shay Laren smokes Lexxi, Luke Crystal, Shay Crystal Crystal, Shay Crystal, Shay Crystal, Shay Crystal, Shay Holly Randall, Derrick Pierce Holly in her garden Holly and her sister Lucy Luke Luke Thompson, Justin Levine Derrick Pierce, Lexxi Tyler Crystal Klein, Martina Warren Derrick, Lexxi, Luke Luke, Crystal Klein Martina Warren Charlie Lain, Onyx gang Justine Jolie, DCypher gang Luke Luke Luke Jamie Lynn, Charlie Laine Martina, Lisa, Shay, Crissy Lexxi, Luke Shay Laren Luke Holly Randall pic pic More Pics From Holly A few days ago, Holly invited me to a barbeque at her home May 29. I said I had another barbie then but I could definitely stop by. She asked me if I was committing to stopping by. I said yes. The next day, she told me to invite Kendra Jade and another porn girl. I did. She told me to invite Joanna Angel. I did. (Neither Kendra nor Joanna showed.) She told me to invite a couple (or did she say a "few"?) friends. I thought I was noticing a trend and so I invited over a dozen friends. That was my way of showing my gratitude and making the event splendid. I gave Holly a panic attack. She had wanted to keep things small yet I had seemingly invited everybody, including a few people who hate me (I was trying to patch things up with a good will gesture). Holly has a huge heart. She's generous with her money and time. She often feels generous impulses and offers to do things that she later regrets or forgets. By not checking with her about how many people I was inviting (I did the same thing at a dinner Sunday night, telling my host and restaurant a dozen when 16 showed and another four were invited), I imposed on her. To appreciate that this is a big deal, remember Holly was throwing this party at her own home. How'd you like a bunch of strangers tramping around your house and possibly stealing and damaging things and dropping cigarette butts throughout the garden? Remember that Holly usually lives by herself. Over the past couple of weeks, she's added about six houseguests. Remember that Holly runs the Suze Randall business. Remember that Holly quit drinking (completely) three months ago yet she'd be providing plenty of booze at the party for anyone who wanted it. Now you can appreciate how Holly felt when I started naming off the people I invited. Well, I arrived at 3:15 p.m. Monday. A few of my friends were already there (Luke Y. Thompson, Heather Veitch and friend Steve, as well Eric Mittleman). Thompson gave me the Air Supply: The Ultimate Performance DVD which I insist on playing immediately to the dismay of Holly, her brother Rob and company. After 20 minutes, somebody turns up Sting loud in the dining room and I eject my DVD. My friend Cathy told me she wouldn't come to the party because it sounded too "porny." So I keep asking Luke if the party is too "porny" for him. He says, "You can't get too porny for me." I'm joined by DCypher (who's come to all my parties, both of them) and his girlfriend Justine Jolie, Ben Sullivan, Justin Levine, Lexxi Tyler and boyfriend Derrick Pierce, Adam Grayson, Mike Allen... Heather's breasts aren't bigger. I'm just not used to seeing her in a tube top. Normally we go to church or synagogue together and she dresses conservatively (at my request). She wants a new boob job. And a tummy tuck. I noticed some models avoiding her but nobody was mean to her. At temple, Heather was surprised that Jewish guys seemed even more eager for her once they knew she was not Jewish. "I can't imagine going to church and after telling someone that I was not Christian, they would go, 'Really? I love forbidden fruit.'" On his Playboy radio show (DVD reviews), Adam Grayson is not allowed to review gay porn because he's told that his audience is overwhelmingly heterosexual. Adam says he's widely regarded as "the world's most polite pornographer." Joey Silvera says I'm the most honest photographer in the business. I capture how the girls really look. If they look good despite my photography, then he's eager to book them. Joey's been enjoying my site for about as long as it's been up (since 1997-98). Martina Warren and her husband launched pornvalleycash.com two weeks ago. Her husband concentrates on the photography and marketing and Martina does the html (despite never have picked up a book on the topic nor taken a class, she says). Luke: "How do you get girls [to do their sites with you]?" Martina: "It helps being Pet of the Year (2005). A lot of girls look up to you and want to be like you. Most of them contact me through MySpace. I have almost 11,000 MySpace friends. I've only been MySpaceing for about five months. "I had a dream that I got booted from MySpace. I woke up in the morning and wondered if it was a dream or not, so I logged in to MySpace. "I've been modeling since I was three. When I was 16, a friend built me a porfolio website online. I felt bad asking him to put new pictures on, so I just though I'd do it myself. I learned from watching him." Holly was a generous host. She prepared food specially suited for my finicky tastes. It was delicious. She bought me a cake with name on it. She gave me a kettle and a wooden box with 80 herbal tea bags. How did she know what I wanted most? (Sunday night, May 28, Holly told me: "My problem in finding a gift for most people I know is what do you get for the person who has everything. My problem with you is what do I get for the person who has nothing.") She'd gotten up at 7:30 a.m. to continue her preparations for the party. I contributed nothing but my charisma and my friends. She brought in about 30 of her people. Holly seemed exhausted all afternoon but she maintained a kind and giving spirit. If I did not invite you to this party, please forgive me, but as you have read by now, I far exceeded my limits on my guests (many of whom could not make it to the party because of a fuel tanker spill on the 405 South). Though Holly may appear insatiable and divine, her boundaries and abilities are of this world. I emailed Lainie Speiser, Penthouse publicist, to send her girls and she did all that and more -- Jamie Lynn (2006 Penthouse Pet of the Year who brought her mom Lisa), Martina Warren (2005 POY), and Charlie Laine. I tell friends that I asked Holly the other night if I could buy her a drink. "No," she said. "Alcohol is not good for my legs." "Why? It makes them swell?" I ask. "No," she replies. "It makes them spread." After a few cups of water, I talk about watching United 93 earlier in the day and how it had moved me to want to lead my country in a time of crisis. I want to be the guy in the military control room wearing a uniform and yelling, "Scramble the fighters! Get me the president! I want every flight path!" I went to the movie with a 17yo girl (and her mom) who was at my book party in August 2004. "How's that nice director?" the girl asks me about Ron Sullivan. "He had ten hours of colon cancer surgery," I reply. "Is that because he did too many anal scenes?" she asks. Shay Laren, Holly and company said that on a hijacked airplane, I'd likely be the guy locking himself in the restroom and sobbing into the phone to his mother, "I love you so much." They don't see me as the "Let's roll" type of guy. I want to be the alpha male but I don't want to work at it. Though she suffers from intermittent PMS depression, Holly the Superwoman maintains a stiff upper lip British-style and does not like to admit she ever needs help (she's more resistant to needing someone than I am and I was raised in outback Australia by Aboriginees). She won't take psychiatric medication and she won't listen to Air Supply. Sunday, however, she fed her dog Poe doggie downers prescribed by the vet. Without such medication, Poe would've created a ruckus, if not bitten people. Under the medication, Poe moped around, his limbs shaking. In a triumph of will over pharmacology, Poe was still too much trouble for a while and Holly had to lock him upstairs. HollyRandall: you made it sound like a mean dog owner Shay Laren says, "You smile more than I expected. When you interviewed me, I thought you were a grouch. You were so condescending." We had a lousy telephone interview a month ago. Shay was hungover. I could barely stay awake. Shay: "I thought you were making fun of me." Crystal: "That is how he is." Shay: "I'd say something and you'd go [in a bored voice], 'Huh huh.' I know I wasn't interesting. It was in the morning. I was in the airport. There was this little girl crawling around beside me. "Lainie called me and said I was going to be interviewed for Penthouse. I thought it'd be some random dude, 'What's your wildest sexual experience?' You always lie about those questions." Crystal: "Lainie said to me, what are we going to do? Get him drunk. But you don't understand that. "I'm going to be such a good psycho-therapist. I read you instantly." Shay: "I could definitely tell you were a grump. You're Jewish, so you do need therapy." Crystal sits on my lap while smoking her cigarette and drinking her beer. Shay: "You're better looking than I expected." Holly walks up. Luke: "What's the matter, honey? Show me on the bottle where it hurts." Holly: "Enough with your psychobabble." Much of the table (Crystal, Rich, Shay etc) is smoking pot and drinking beer. Luke: "Holly, the sausages are great." Holly: "You'd love them. They're pork wrapped in bacon." Luke: "How disrespectful can you get to my religious heritage?" Holly: "I can get way more disrespectful." Shay has an amazing complexion. I roll my eyes as Shay praises Holly. Luke: "Come on. You felt exploited and degraded." I'm shouted down. Holly: "Speaking of exploited and degraded, do you want your cake?" Rich: "With 40 fricking candles on it?" Aria Giovanni (who's shy and subdued) is Holly's right-hand man preparing for the party and cleaning up afterwards. Aria's a regular Martha Stewart. Shay: "I hate it that people such as yourself call it porn." Laren's worked four weeks straight. "I hate working for [a photographer] who's low-energy because it brings you down. Photographers who are uncomfortable with what they're doing. They'd rather be doing mainstream stuff and they hate it and it's so obvious." Shay, 20: "Look at Rich (39yo). He looks 15. You look way older [because I wear a dress shirt and carry myself with dignity]." The ladies make remarks disparaging my masculinity. Luke: "If you put on Air Supply, I'll be as hard as a rock." Shay: "Let's not put it on." I promise Shay and Crissy that if they follow me, I'll make them fishers of men. Luke Thompson: "Can you make me a fisher of women?" Holly: "No, he can't help you with that." Crissy complains about my photography. Luke: "I capture the real you. I capture what Rich wakes up to in the morning." Crissy: "I want the fantasy." Luke: "I live in truth." Holly's webmaster walks up with his gorgeous wife. "I'm trying to go Hollywood dirty boy," he says, "but it's not working." Shay and Crissy claim that their Hawaiin male friends relate to them as human beings rather than as sexual objects. Crissy: "Not like you, Luke. You bring it up all the time. You have a big porn collection in your garage." Derrick: "Living in a garage. That must be your choice." Luke: "I don't have much money because I don't work for other people. I want to pursue the truth." Derrick: "Don't try to sound noble. You chose to live in a garage. You could do better and you chose not to. Just because you blog or write, you're still published in an Adult venue." Lexxi: "And yet you're against Adult." Luke: "I am not in porn. I am just a social commentator." Crissy: "What barbeque are you at today? I want to understand why you chose to write about a business you claim to hate. In some way, you love it." Shay: "He does. If you honestly hated it, you wouldn't be here." Luke: "I choose to tackle pressing issues that confront our society." Lexxi: "It's all about the free porn he gets and then goes and whacks off in his garage and denies it. He's a closet freak." Derrick: "But not for more than half an hour." Earlier in the day, I told Derrick that anyone who wanked to porn for more than half an hour a day had a problem. Derrick: "If you whack off for more than half an hour, you're destroying society." All limits are arbitrary. Drive 56mph in some places and you can get a ticket. Shay: "Why is porn a pressing issue confronting society?" Luke: "It weakens the family structure. It creates unrealistic expectations in men what a woman can provide sexually." Crissy: "Sex is very out and open in Europe and they have less percentages of rape than the US and lower rates of teenage pregnancy." Luke: "Europeans who move to the United States and their descendents have about the same rate of teenage pregnancy as do their relations who live in Europe. Certain ethnic groups which have a higher percentage in the US [such as blacks] have high illegitimacy rates. "Europe is not a good moral example. The United States had to rescue them three times in the past century, from World War I, II and communism. That the U.S. is such a great moral force in the world is not unrelated to America's more conservative sexual ethic." Crissy: "You are very intolerant." Woman: "You have multiple personalities." Crissy: "Who are you celebrating with? Porn stars. You are against everything we do." Shay: "That's a contradiction." Crissy: "If you look at his site, he's making fun of us. There will always be a line in there that is very sarcastic and expresses your contempt." Woman: "That is what gossip columnists do." I ask Shay about feminism but then she runs off to play the card game "Asshole." Crissy says women have the power in porn. Derrick: "I don't believe that anymore. To get a good scene, you have to get a good performance from the guy. If the girl is good and the guy is weak, it's a weak scene. If the girl is weak and the guy is strong, it's a strong scene. Everything relies on the male talent. If I don't do my job correctly, no matter how good you are, you are not going to look good." Holly says that the men in porn are like Mexicans in the US. They do most of the hard work yet few people appreciate them. Derrick: "If people are not sexually compatible, what are they? Friends. The difference between your best friend and your partner is that you have sex with your partner." Shay's jealous at the number of longtime friends men have. "I'd rather have longterm [few] friends than lots of acquaintances. I hate it when you can't talk to someone on a real basis. Crystal is the only person on Maui I can call and say [the truth]." I ask the table if men and women can be friends without one person wanting more. Crissy Klein recalls the number of male friends she's had who she thought were only platonic friends until they made a move on her and when she rebuffed them, that ended the friendship. Shay says men and women can be friends if they've had sex and become sick of having sex with each other. Derrick claims he's friends with every girl he's dated. Lexxi, a size two, says that his ex-girlfriends "shop at Layne-Bryant." She menas that they are hefty. Derrick: "She's the smallest girl I've dated. "I wouldn't say they were hefty." Lexxi: "I would. All of them, honey." Derrick: "I dated them more for their personality." When Lexxi's told she can't do something, she's liable to say: "I'm Lexxi Tyler. I can do whatever the f--- I want." I leave at 8 p.m. as the nasty drinking games begin and guys persuade Holly to the table. These are her friends? Let me flee before I kill them. I despise the large number (the majority?) of Holly's putative friends who push her to drink and do drugs. I despise anyone who tries to feed an addict substances that will destroy her. I hate you. I loathe you. I spit on you. Yes, I mean you, you very specific persons who push Holly (or anybody) to get drunk and get high. I hope you get run over by a truck. And then I pray to God that you burn in hell. You are scum. You want to destroy your own pathetic lives? Go ahead. Don't take others with you. Drink your booze, do your drugs, and die. There are so many horrible things that happen from drinking (the 15,000 or so road deaths a year alone) that I am ambivalent about whether or not America would be a better country with prohibition. At least addicts to porn don't go out and murder. Holly emails me:
Cindi Loftus emails: "Luke, You look very happy in those pics. You also look very hot! Lack of lithium seems to agree with you, physically a least, lol. It was so nice of Holly to throw you a party. I hope you show her the appreciation she deserves. She's really a wonderful person, and will make a wonderful mother to your children some day!" Chaim Amalek writes: "Sigh . . . Holly is such a sweetheart. She cooks for you, arranges parties for you, buys you things, smiles a lot, and is oh so cheerful and very very pretty. I still say the two of you were meant to be." Pete writes:
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