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Friday, May 12, 2006

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Gen Padova Interview

Da Burglar: Describe briefly your idea/ideal of the perfect "date" with a guy.

Gen P: I'm all about fine dining. Some place low-key, dim setting, quiet and quaint, great food and respectful service. Some place where you don't feel rushed to eat and get out quick. There is nothing hotter than intellectual conversation and good food all at the same time.

I'm rather skeptical about the whole concept of marriage and the politics that come with it. If I were to ever exchange vows it'd be purely about unconditional love. The money helps a lot but I don't need someone who has money falling out of his ass. It's a good advantage for both to be independent financially. I'm not so much the kind to be so ignorant with age. I tend to find it nothing more than just a number. While levels of maturity come with various ages in both men and women.

My previous relationship was with someone the same age. It wasn't a good example of what it'd be like to date those the same age as I. But my experience with dating isn't much to compare to. Yet so far I've been blessed with a man who is slightly older. Driving around 50 miles one way to L.A. to work isn't very ideal, thankfully it has never been a daily thing but as everyone has a change in life at some point in time, I've come to realize that working in a depressing atmosphere such as a hospital isn't something I want to be a part of the rest of my life.

So I've recently found a change of heart to take part of School of Advanced Message Therapy and Alternative Medicine. Give me several months and I'll let you know what the afterlife is like.

I have never been donkey punched. I don't plan on being a part of any donkey punching.

>What was the LAST thing you did to help someone out where you didnt receive or expect something in return?

Donating blood LOL man that part angers me because back in the day when I was taking chemistry in high school, we had a chance to donate blood for 10 extra credit points and because my midget ass is tiny, I didn't weigh enough to donate blood! Bastards!!! I've taken my friend Cynthia to USC Medical Center many times for her follow ups on her arm that was amputated without actually losing her arm from a car accident. Poor girl had to wait a year and a half for swelling to go down before they could do any cosmetic surgery and then tendon transfers. She went through a dozen surgeries, she's one hell of a trooper.

60 some years ago, no domestic skills, Joanna Angel wouldn't have stood a chance

pic pic pic

Da Burglar responds:

Nah man, if she was living in Holland in 1942-44, we'd have the Diary of Joanna Angel, and it would be the most debauched, awesomely corrupt memoir of the holocaust imaginable. Think about it...stories of trading sex for shelter and food...stories of buying another day of fife from the sick twisted, uncircumsized Nazi supermen.

In fact Joanna is smart enough to turn the tables on her Nazi Oppressors/executioners by PLEADING with them "I'm a nymphomaniac, I cannot get enough of this debauchery, please don't kill me, I love this too much. I will DO ANYTHING for you guys if you keep me alive another day to have another... Think about it, as long as I am alive, all you boys' sexual needs are fulfilled..."

The Totenkopf Brigade at Treblinka never had it so good, oh JA, ohhhhhh Jaaaaaaaa! "Come on boys, if you gas me, you wont be able to see this tomorrow."

Holly Randall Chat

HollyRandall: I hurt my wrist kickboxing this morning
Luke: how long you been kickboxing?
HollyRandall: I used to do it for a year and a half years ago, but we just started it in bootcamp
HollyRandall: did you know Joanna Angel and I have a shoot planned for a couple of weeks?
Luke: you scheduled it on shabbos so i could not come
Luke: you never consider my feelings!
HollyRandall: i didn't think about it
HollyRandall: we just set a date
HollyRandall: too bad it would have been fun
HollyRandall: can't you pretend you're not jewish for just one day?
HollyRandall: god will forgive you, i asked him
HollyRandall: he says it's cool
Luke: maybe we could all meet for coffee some time?
HollyRandall: though you could've watched me work
Luke: i did when you were on top
HollyRandall: hahaha
HollyRandall: this xpeeps thing sucks
HollyRandall: all i get is horny guys, no chicks
Luke: I tried to be your xpeeps friend but you would not add me
HollyRandall: someone wrote to me last week telling me that he was flying out to LA and would i please hook him up with some horny pornstars
HollyRandall: asshole, i'm not a madam, i don't run a damn escort service
Luke: not what I heard
HollyRandall: and the wonderful misconception that every pornstar will fuck any guy who crosses her path
HollyRandall: then i had some idiot ask me out for coffee, and i told him i don't meet strangers from the internet
Luke: is it true that any girl wants to fuck a star and if she says she doesn't, she's lying?
HollyRandall: depends on the star
HollyRandall: i wouldn't want to fuck Kid Rock
Luke: Sometimes I think that porn and Xpeeps are not the right place to find a lady for me and a gentleman for you.
HollyRandall: but yes, all women are attracted to power
HollyRandall: lol i'm not looking for a boyfriend
HollyRandall: looking for new models, really
Luke: Show me on the doll where it hurts.
HollyRandall: are you off your lithium again?
Luke: yes, I guess you don't read my website
HollyRandall: i have a friend who just started taking it
HollyRandall: they were on an acid trip for a whole day
HollyRandall: did you go through anything like that?
HollyRandall: not that you would know what being on acid is like
Luke: No. I've never felt in my entire life that I was not in control of and responsible for my behavior.
HollyRandall: Paul [Fishbein and Cherry Rain] were showing me their wedding video
HollyRandall: so there's this clip where Cherry and my mom are dancing
HollyRandall: and my mom kicks off her shoes in the middle of it all
HollyRandall: and hits the other videographer in the back of the head, and it lands in the middle of the table next to him
HollyRandall: Cherry and my mom don't notice, and keep dancing, while there's all this commotion in the background, people trying to figure out where the shoe came from
HollyRandall: it's all on tape and so funny
Luke: I tried to imitate your shoe/foot shot
HollyRandall: the shoe is black and so is the background, and it's not backlit
HollyRandall: so it blends into the background

Drew Rosenfeld Update

The head of production at LFP emails me:

I thought that David [Aaron Clark] and I had a great meeting (lunch) with plans to move forward. We discussed several projects but focussed on Asian Fever. After reviewing the content he shot for us, it was not what our buyers were looking for. Later I found my decision to be right. We lost money on those Asian Fever titles he shot for us. David is very good at what he does but it just wasn't right for HUSTLER. As for Zupko, well lets just say, "good luck Tom...Rob is where you belong." "Now you can really shoot what you want". Mr Pete is still on as a Hustler director. Not sure how that rumor started. We have many new projects we're excited about, including the Tera interactive project that will release in September. Also we have another amazing project finishing up from director, Jask The Zipper called White Witch. We also have a huge movie being produeced this summer featuring our own Memphis Monroe. I'll get you the title when we're ready to announce it. Alot of great things happening this year for LFP.

DVD Replication

Source: "The barrier of entry to be a player is high. The cost of equipment is extremely expensive. Two million dollars expensive. You can go low-end like your guy Joey Abinanti. He has commercial grade machines that can do about 40 discs at a time as opposed to KM (nice people) and L&M (where LFP, Pulse duplicates) which have industrial strength machines that can do tens of thousands of discs a day.

"Evil Angel uses four companies to replicate. If you drive around Chatsworth, there are a bunch of companies that say 'Media Replication' or things like that.

"I'd guess that L&M's business is primarily Adult. The people there are extremely rude. Israelis. You go up there and you see Adult people.

"You can go cheap in the South-East for 60c shrink-wrapped, packaged. High-end will run you 75c each disc.

"Sunshine has their own replication facility.

"The prices depend on your minimum order. It's usually 1500 or 2500 units. Most people print 5,000 inserts because of the price break. So they tend to have a lot of sleeves in your warehouses. The average porn producer is lucky to sell 1,000 units of his movie.

"Selling and collecting are two very different things. Getting paid by these distributors takes forever.

"Some companies, such as Evil Angel and Pulse, are going to be more trigger-happy about not shipping to people who don't pay their bills. A lot of people will still ship you their new releases even if you are 180 days delinquent."

Chuck Martino

He calls me back May 9.

Chuck: "Damn Luke, it's been four years and they're still talking s--- about me.

"In porn, I woke up every day to combat the people talking s--- about me. I was as bad a guy as anybody. The real world isn't that way. It's nice waking up having a normal life.

"I work for ESPN. I just got back from Rancho Cucomonga producing a show called "Page Two" on ESPN.com. I was doing a segment on the Class A Los Angeles Angels.

"I ran into this girl after I shot my last porno four years ago. We were just friends hanging out in the Valley. We helped her mom out. Two years went by. No porno. Her mom pulled me aside and said, 'I want you to take care of my daughter. I'm leaving $3 million to you and my daughter. I know you're not her boyfriend, that you're just friends.'

"We see her about twice a month. Because of her disease, she doesn't remember who we are.

"I call David [Sturman] and say, "Should I get back into porno with all this money? He said, 'Dude, stay away. It's not worth it.'

"Kenny [Gallo] just called me an hour ago to catch up. He's like, 'Bro, work hard but go have fun. Do not go back to porno.'

"I said to Kenny, 'You and I were buddies. I took care of you.' He said, 'I didn't write any s--- about you.' I said, 'You didn't make me sound good.'

"I'm finally working in sports entertainment, which I really love. Don't think there aren't days I'm not wishing I was going to produce a movie. That was fun too."

Luke: "How did you get the ESPN gig?"

Chuck: "I was online and doing this shadowshopper. I didn't have to work. Everything was taken care of. I was online and filling out different surveys. This girl called and said, 'Do you want to come in and do audits for Radio Shack. They'll pay you $75 for two hours.'

"I said, why not? The next week, the same company took over ESPN and got into the mobile phone market. I got into that with ESPN. Then they figured out how much I knew about sports. Then they figured out the porno.

"They said, 'Where do you look familiar from?' I was like, 'I don't know.' My boss comes to work the day and says, 'You're on almost half a million porn sites. I Googled your name. So you directed and produced?' Yeah.

"They were cool about it. I'm not in front of the camera. It's just like producing a porno.

"You went through the same bull---- I went through. You were always trying to defend yourself.

"Kenny said he was talking to Kevin Beech a couple of years ago at a convention and asked, 'Where Chuck?' And Kenny says Kevin said, 'He's all f---ed up on drugs.'

"I said, 'Kenny, you and I have now talked for a half hour. Do I sound like someone f---ed up on drugs?' He's like, 'You sound like a different person.'

"No drugs. No big drinking. I'm being normal.

"This girl is my best friend. We've never had sex. I've helped her through a lot of stuff.

"I miss a lot of those porno people -- Kevin, David. It seems like all the players have changed.

"I said to David, 'I did some stupid s---.' He said, 'You were a dumbass.' I said, 'I don't know why I didn't listen to you.'

"David said, 'It sounds like you finally grew up. If you ever want to get back into porno, you've got the money. Shoot. Make deals. But why? Go travel.'

"I lived in the Valley for ten years. What a difference it is over here.

"Your site is still excellent. It's the best one out there. How do you get your stories? How's Rob Spallone? Tell him I said hello. How's his brother Roy?"

Luke: "Roy's having some problems in Costa Rica."

Chuck: "At the end, Roy was my right-hand man.

"You sound like the same old guy. It was great talking to you.

"I feel so bad for Joy [Farrah]. What happened?"

Luke: "She was a hooker. She fell into a bad crowd. Do you expect to meet great people that way?"

Chuck: "I've never been in jail. I feel bad for her. She's a good kid.

"Kenny said, 'Chuck, don't get back into porn. Who are you dealing with? Hookers.'"

Hollywood Mafia

Kenny Gallo writes:

I was so busy shooting with Buck that I pretty much stopped shooting Chuck. I had over 48 scene with Chuck so I made a compilation called Chuck A Muck. I always thought Chuck was a good guy; the problem with Chuck was his partying. He was always messed up, but he did get the hot chicks. Chuck also introduced me to GHB that was great because it did not give you a hangover! We had a falling out over money, so I did not pay him or Farrah for something. Then Kevin got involved because he was screwing Farrah. I was threatened with being beat up and worse. Oh well I never cared because once the cash goes in my pocket, no way will I give it back.

That is the problem with a lot of guys on the street; they hesitate or second-guess their moves. You have to stick by whatever it is you do, because life will go on. I was going to Las Vegas a lot with Tabitha, so I began to meet the guys who were connected in Las Vegas. Tabitha would always be with her sister or her Grandmother so I would get bored. When I get bored that is when the trouble starts. Jimmy's friend Vince Lupo took me over to Fat Tony Ageolitti's Social club behind the Rio Casino and Hotel. This place had a TV, a couple of tables and a kitchen. Fat Tony had his wife Rose around, but her name should have been Lurch! She looked like something out of the Adams Family.

Vince [Crazy Horse Too] was a good guy and he tried to hustle. He had done a bunch of bust out businesses in Palm Springs with Vern, Fat Philly and this kid Jimmy the Greek. They had made a nice haul and the checks Vern made were very good. Vince was always looking for support from the LA Family, something that he would never get. Vince was coming up with a bunch of new things and he wanted in on the Telemarketing business. Vince was around Jimmy when he had the Restaurant and his telemarketing room. Vince and Jimmy also had this hook into this guy named Jay who owned a couple of restaurants. Jay had a great place in Culver City, somehow he had met Vince. Jay had burned some of his food purveys and they just happened to be connected. They were going to hurt Jay, but Vince stepped in to help. Vince and Jimmy sat down with the guys and they smoothed it over. That was how Vince got his hook into Jay and Vince would Pimp him after that. Jay and Vincopenednd up restaurantnt in the Valley things went badly and Jay wanted to get away from Vince. Vince had some Mexican guys break his arm and then Vince got money from him every week. So Vince had a good thing going with Jay and we all got free food.

Kenny Gallo writes:

So Vince was pulling down cash from Jay at the restaurant in Culver City every week and Jimmy was around LA shaking down guys. I was around Ori because of Jimmy at this point; I still kept an eye on him. I had good steady money coming in from a number of sources besides the porn. I like the porn and it was easy so I kept it up. I had my own customers to move videos, so that money would never stop.

This guy Black Dave was a big thief and he sold out cheap. He had something going where the owner of a companies son was giving him video’s out the back door. We did not just get a few hundred, we moved thousands! I gave him a dollar apiece and I was selling them for four dollars a piece. Easy Money.

I worked with Buck Adams on a number of big films and they were just not worth it. We did these rip off’s on Baywatch called Babewatch and they were a nightmare. Buck would be so high on cocaine and Tequila that he did not make since. He had no real script and he did not break down or story board anything so it was a mess. The guy never had a dime and whatever he made he would blow before the end of production. Then Buck would borrow cash or beg. The guy slept on the floor covered in Newspaper like a hobo! He had a front tooth that was glued in by crazy glue and people think porn is glamorous! Buck would use girls he liked so he could have sex with them. He would then fall in love with them and they wanted nothing to do with him.

One was this ex-cheerleader/ Vivid girl named Kelly Jaye. He was always calling her his girlfriend, but this girl had it going on in the OC. She had a house some guy bought her and she made big money turning tricks or side work as the porn girls call it. Kelly would lose her home to the SEC after he sugar Daddy was convicted of embezzling funds from Penn Fund USA! One time Kelly hide in our van to leave a set so she would not have to deal with Buck. She spent the night with my buddy Phil at my house, good thing because Phil is now in Iraq!

I really hate Las Vegas because it is a one trick pony! That is gambling and one day that will stop or slow down, then people will remember it’s the desert! I do not gamble, I run games and I am the house. Gambling is for suckers! To many guys I know blow everything they have at the track or with bookies. I had met John Bronco and I would see him when I was bored in Las Vegas. I knew he was dead weight from the minute I met him. I guess he could handle himself in a brawl, but he was no worker. John liked to talk a big game but he was stupid. The guy lived in a trailer and did lawns; he was like a Mexican lawn boy!

John was always coming up with stupid ideas to make cash. He wanted to shake down bookies or shake down the guys who handled the erotic flyers for the sex biz. I just kept my mouth shut and watched him! I would still dabble in other things and I did move a lot of bud a couple of times. I knew these Mexican guys who had what I called dirt weed for around 150.00 a pound. I knew these other guys in New York who would pay 300.00 in bulk. They would buy hundreds of pounds at a time. I never even came out of pocket for a dime because I would get it on the front and then give it to them for cash. My big expensive was storing the weed and I had to use a house because any place else was a bust. I only had one guy who did it with me so I never had to chop up much of the profit. I paid him a flat rate ad I took the rest!

Kenny Gallo writes:

People do not get that porn is a dead end filled with misfits and losers. Ron Jeremy put it to me the best. One day Ron and I were on set just talking about life. I was telling him a little bit about my life outside of porn. Ron then said to me I guess porn is a step up for you. That about sums it up.

Women come to California with visions of stardom in their minds and guys just do it to get laid. I was there to make cash; the problem was the big money had left. The media likes to portray the biz as a billion dollar biz. A handful of companies make big money and the rest just get by. They pay all the talent as little as possible and they get no residual income from the films. The big satellite companies and cable companies make millions of dollars because they pay very little for content and then charge a premium. If they bought some mainstream film with a big name, they would pay a huge fee and be limited on how many times they could broadcast it.

I was able to make enough cash in porn to make life fun. I liked partying with the girls and I made cash to kick up to whomever. I will explain my theory on kicking money to anyone. I learned early on that I could spread the wealth and make more cash by not being greedy. I would kick down cash to Big Mike for things he didn’t even have a part in at all. Then when I needed a favor or some help it would not be a big deal. I was a moneymaker and this was just like paying insurance or taxes on a regular biz.

I never came off like a mark or a sucker; I kicked money up for a purpose. I was giving Jimmy money out of my porn earning just to use his connections. I shared my scores with Vince and people do not realize how far a grand to some guy will go. They will always think of you when they have something that requires help. I have made more scores that way than any other way. A guy who I gave a little bit of cash to would come to me with a score and I would make cash and split it up. I met Louie Gelfuso via Vince [at Crazy Horse Too] because I felt that having another LCN Capo in my pocket could not hurt. I would call this my Rent A Capo program. Louie had just gotten off Parole from the case that my FRIEND Anthony “The Animal” Fiato made against him.

I liked Louie he was a short funny guy who was nice to around. I liked him and we used to meet at Jerry’s Deli every week to catch up on what was happing. Tabitha loved to piss money away in those video poker machines. I would place bets in the sportsbook that I knew I would win. Most were collage games that a bookie or a gambler that I knew would give me the scoop on. Life with Tabitha was fun, but not pornstar fun. The fun I am talking about is the other girls and the life. She was fun, but I still kept in contact with Jill Kelly! Jill was the best of them!

Wald v. Ford: Luke's lawyer wants you!

TabloidBaby reports May 12, 2006:

David Aaron Clark Update

I call him during the evening of May 9.

David: "I see how slow it's been on your site. XPT blames it on Holly. Do you think that's true?"

Luke: "It's hard to skate by on just cutting and pasting. I try to do something noble. I don't just interview porn stars. I interview authors who write books such as Hitler Laughing: Humor in the Third Reich."

David: "There's nothing noble about interviewing ego-maniacal authors. I'm a sucker for good Hitler humor but that's just not funny. Yeah, it is a good title."

Luke: "Are you getting laid?"

David: "On occasion. My sex drive is not what it used to be. You're still in those young lion years. Are you really on that many anti-depressants?"

Luke: "Yeah. Is that so wrong?"

David: "It all depends on what's right for you."

Luke: "Don't I seem more sane to you over the past four years?"

David: "I hate to credit pills with anything."

Luke: "You're like Holly - a pot head."

David: "I do my share of hippie valium."

Luke: "Do you wake and bake?"

David: "Some weeks. If there are some discretionary funds in the budget..."

Luke: "You write it into your production budget?"

David: "No, my personal budget. I'm more likely to seek out some weed as opposed to having a drink."

Luke: "Have you found the right woman?"

David: "God no."

Luke: "Are you ready to settle down and commit yourself to an exclusive monogamous relationship sanctified by God and state?"

David: "Am I ready to? Yes. If she would just show up. With all the damn tightening at the boarders, who knows if she'll show up."

Luke: "Are you putting yourself in the right spiritual place so such a woman can enter your life?"

David: "Of course not. I dream about that every morning. I'm not kidding. Every morning I say, 'Why am I so lonely? Why can't I find the right woman?' Then I'm like, 'That's right. I'm in porn.' Then I have my coffee and I go on my way.

"It doesn't occur to me again until I'm back home late at night and I wonder, 'Why don't I have a worthwhile woman in my life?'"

Luke: "Are you on MySpace?"

David: "No. I don't think creepy middle-aged guys have a place on MySpace."

Luke: "You're worried about the youth of America."

David: "I'm constantly worried about everything.

"I'm probably babbling a lot of things that Christian's going to email me about at 9:06 a.m. tomorrow.

"I forget who I am talking to."

David has a memoir (the story of his life told through the prism of women he shacked up with) he hasn't bothered to try to publish. It's working title used to be "S--- Magnet" but then Jim Goad used that for his memoir.

David: "I have Asian Noir 5 coming up. It's the highest budget I've ever had."

Luke: "Don't spend it all on pot."

David: "I'm not. We're shooting it on three different locations all in the city, not the valley.

"Christian has come through for me."

Luke: "Should I email Christian and plead for a set invite?"

David: "You should."

Luke: "How was your lunch with Drew Rosenfeld [LFP's head of production]?"

David laughs. "I do not exist to Drew Rosenfeld. As soon as whatever decision was made to cut me loose from LFP, I could never even get him on the phone to tell me I was fired. I could not even get him to return a call or an email. Very unprofessional and cowardly. But best of luck to him. I see they continue to lose all their best directors."

Luke: "Like Eon McKai."

David: "Zupko is gone. I hear Mr. Pete is gone. I don't know who the problem is with -- the directors or the company? Who am I to say?"

Luke: "Throwing it open for the universe to respond.

"Porn can break your heart. You give and you give and what do you get? You don't even get your phone calls returned."

At one point, porn journalist and critic David Aaron Clark was the most feared man in this industry.

David: "You get gonorrhea.

"I nearly had an issue with my big production when one of my actresses was put to work with somebody famous for handing out cases of the clap. I was holding my breath and sure enough, he gave it to her. She tested early so she was able to go on medication."

Though David won't name this gentleman, I will -- T.T. Boy.

Joking About Eddie Wedelsted

Friend: "I was in an LA sex shop last week picking up a gag gift for a friend's birthday. I saw the little donation box for Eddie's Kids. I said to the little Mexican kid working behind the counter, "Do you know Eddie's in prison?"

He starts freaking out. "Are you a cop?"

I go: "No. I'm a pornographer."

Friend: "Then I put a dollar in the Eddie's Kids thing."

Mark Kernes writes that I'm wrong again.

Lukeisbulls---.com

Carmella Bing blogs:

AS YOU MAY KNOW ALREADY HOW MUCH OF A HOT HEAD DEREK HAY IS... If not then check this out, I was featuring at Rouge in Van Nuys CA May 4th 5th and 6th. Obviously a holiday weekend, Lakers game Cinco De Mayo, the fight... So here I spent over a grand for all my DVDs, magazines, and some s---ty coppies of my 8x10s. The 4th and 5th were dead, I was humiliated to see that no one was interested or had they even known of me, I sat there looking stupid for nothing. So on the 6th my roady bails on me, leaving me scrabling for help. With tears in my eyes, Derek starts screaming at me that Im running late, well duh, Derek its your job to provide me with a roady. So the conversation gets a bit hostile to put it lightly. I feel that if someone is having a hard time that it is wrong to make it any worse, do you agree? Well it escelates into derek threatening to sue me over his contract with Rouge. I just say f--- it, Why am I even going so you can look good? No! f--- that! Im outta here! f--- you! So what if Rouge sues me, I signed a contract, Im sure Ill have to take care of that, but derek. Dont you have enough to worry about? Like the girls you bring in to the United States who dont pay taxes and work illegally? Or that time you sent me to Hong Kong to do a private not knowing that it was a private? Isnt that called PIMPING and PANDERING? Oh, what is that you say? Its called human trafficing? Huh. Well whatever it is this LUKE IS BACK.com s--- is rediculous. Derek says, he dumped me - not true, I left. And that I flaked out on my feature causing lost revenue - well if a tree fell in the middle of the woods and no one was there to hear it would it have make a sound? Well im sure it would but no one really gives a f--- do they? So my point being exactly that... Derek go out to the woods and blow off all the steam you want, cause nobody really gives a f---! Thank you for your interest in my post, pass it on to a friend, the feds, fbi, the irs, or anyone who needs a reason to kick this pencil dick in the face! Id really appriciate it.

I Am In Porn But Not Of Porn

Joanna Angel emails me:

You run a porno gossip website and you can't write the word "f---" on it? That doesn't make any sense.

What happens when my movie comes out? How are you going to promote it if you can't spell the title on your website? This really throws a monkey wrench in my whole marketing scheme. Damn it.

'I'm Off My Meds!'

Audio (.wav) of the panel discussion.

I charge into the LA Press Club at 6:30 p.m. Thursday, find Matt Welch in a natty suit and tie studying silently, jam my tape recorder into his face and bellow into his ear, "I'm off my meds!"

He turns to me and smiles. "Hi Luke."

"What contribution to the civic discourse that makes democracy possible has Hustler magazine made?"

Matt claims he's seen only two issues. "At the front of the magazine," says Matt, "they have these terrible graphic jokes."

Luke: "A lot of them are racial. Just plain racist."

Matt: "I haven't seen that. It's harder core than I'm able to enjoy in my pornography. But as those jokes intersected with politics, I found them amusing and useful by juxtaposing and occasionally disgusting sexual acts with political issues and personalities of the day, it treated politics with the seriousness and perhaps accuracy that it deserves."

Jack Shafer of Slate.com Press Box replies:

Nope.

My reflections: As long as Larry Flynt is publishing Hustler we can be assured that nearly all possible editorial options are being considered in America.

Why this Chinese wall of silence?

Why can't we have an adult discussion of Hustler magazine in this greedy uptight society?

Why do we live in a country where an author of four books who was once Hustler's Asshole of the Month can land on the cover of LA Weekly and not find comfort in the arms of a loving woman?

Welch says he has special glasses to adjust to his oddly-shaped face.

I tell Matt that he looks like Billie Jean King who grew up a block away from Matt in middle class Long Beach.

Adam Parfrey (Feral House) wonders if Matt and Billie were extracted from the womb by the same tongs.

I'd like to get Matt fired from the Times so I won't feel inferior to him anymore.

Ben Sullivan notices and appreciates that I've lost 20 pounds (from not taking my lithium).

Four people sit on the panel:

Censorship, Cowardice, or Good Taste? The L.A. Press Club is pleased to host a lively panel discussion debating the ongoing fallout of the infamous Danish cartoons mocking the prophet Muhammad. Were newspapers prudent or cowardly for refusing to reprint the images? Do smaller publications and websites who reproduced them deserve praise or scorn? Are Muslims truly offended at all depictions of all religious figures? Is it censorship when private entities like Borders Bookstores refuse to carry issues of the Free Inquiry that include the cartoons?

Panelists include:

Eddie Tabash -- Chair of Center For Inquiry-West, constitutional lawyer, and chair of the national legal committee of Americans United for Separation of Church and State. www.tabash.com.

Edina Lekovic -- Communications director of the Muslim Public Affairs Council (www.mpac.org).

Brian Doherty -- Senior editor, Reason magazine (www.reason.com), and author of the forthcoming Radicals for Capitalism: A History of the Modern American Libertarian Movement.

Moderated by Matt Welch (www.mattwelch.com), assistant editorial pages editor of the Los Angeles Times.

"This set-up is so like Insider the Actor's Studio," says Edina who charms most of the audience.

The conversation is carried on at a high level that makes me feel comparatively dirty. How can I think impure thoughts about girls when Muslims are dying in the streets protesting blasphemous cartoons?

Luke Y. Thompson wears a t-shirt that pictures a man fornicating with a dog.

I tell him I can't set him up on dates because of his proclivity for tattoos, piercings, colored hair and obscene t-shirts.

"I didn't realize that the crowd you hang out with had such lofty standards," says Luke. He notes I also color my hair.

Yeah, but I'm more subtle. My hair looks natural, thick and alive, pulsating with my manliness.

Nathan Nance writes me: "Luke Y. Thompson is my personal hero and fave movie critic. I'm glad to see he garnered a mention from the L.A. Press Club event."

Brian Doherty exceeds my expectations. He takes the least time and makes the best points. Why doesn't Europe get rid of its blasphemy laws, hate laws, etc?

Eddie Tarbash, the whore's best friend, says his mother survived Auschwitz yet he wants to rescue Holocaust-denier David Irving from an Austrian jail where he's incarcerated for the crime of denying that six million European Jews were murdered during WWII.

Tarbash looks like the quintessential Jewish nerd -- he's short with bad eyesight and a paunch. His eyes blink rapidly and his face twitches constantly while on stage. He's hyper-intellectual and hyper-verbal.

Sartorial Splendor award goes to Eddie. Matt gets an honorable mention. Edina's OK. Brian's as rumpled and ratty as you'd expect from someone at that pot-smoking dog-f---ing filthy rag Reason.

A man who runs an organization to turn Iranians secular gives a long disjointed speech at the end (I clap and yell my approval at its conclusion), "which is a marvellous note to end on," says Matt Welch.

I tell the LA Press Club that they can auction me off for dinner (but not to a cannibal or to a homosexual predator).

I badger the COO of the Center For Inquiry-West about his lack of a sex life. What kind of star power does his COO title carry at bars? He says he doesn't go to bars but we suspect we know the answer to my question.

So what's the point of doing something if you don't get Heaven or chicks?

I demand to know why he's not screwing around on his wife (she lives in Illinois). He's an atheist, he has the whole building to himself, he can offer to show girls a bust of Steve Allen, enlargements of his publication's covers, or his etchings of David Hume, yet he's as chaste as a monk.

He has dropped 40 pounds over the past six months so maybe he's preparing to do something with his life

What's the point of being an atheist if you're not going to screw around?

He says atheists can have morals too. Yeah, of course they can, but what's the point?

My agent writes:

Luke--I've decided to answer your question with a question--does "going off your meds" have something to do with how prolific you've been lately? By my estimation you've cranked out a month's worth of content in the past few days (I enjoyed the Allan MacDonnel stuff, BTW). You seem to have done everything EXCEPT the thing I need you to do, which is to send me pictures of the people profiled in "Lives on the Edge."

I know you want me to give you some free content that you can cut and paste into your blog, but I have no choice except to crack the whip and help you keep your eyes on the prize.

PS. Luke, I think you've just proven that you're officially *not* addicted to porn. Most porn addicts could compile this sort of picture gallery in a single evening's worth of "right click-save image as."

Holly's Dad Humphry Knipe Wins Independent Publisher Book Award For Best Historical Fiction For His Recent Novel The Nero Prediction

HollyRandall: hey my dad won that award!
HollyRandall: out of 1000 nominated
HollyRandall: he gets his own booth and is going to be signing copies
HollyRandall: i'm so excited for him!

I email Humph my congratulations. "Holly's very excited." He replies:

Me too.

I know everyone always says this, but I never expected to win except so deep down you'd need a mine shaft to get there. After making a fool of myself stuttering out my acceptance speech on the evening of Friday 19, I will be manning my publisher's booth at on Saturday and Sunday. Booth 3261 in case any of your readers are there.

Of course I will afterwards, as an anointed author, not be associating with bloggers any more so this is my last post.

We'll All Meet At My Wedding

Bob writes my Advisory Committee:

Gentlemen, I love and respect you all and am truly sorry if you felt slighted by your not receiving an invitation to my wedding. It was a small affair, less attended than most bukkakes and I doubted any of you would come to fair city for this non-porn related event. I want you to know that you were all there in my heart.

We will all meet one day, perhaps at Luke's wedding?

Author Allan MacDonell - Prisoner Of X

Does anyone have the email address of any magazine editors so I can ask them what I just emailed the man at Reason:

Dear Dr. Gillespie,

As one great magazine editor, do you have any thoughts on the job Allan MacDonell did with Hustler and how he informed the national conversation about our society's pressing issues?

Luke

PS If you purely had a physiological reaction to Hustler, it would be groovy to hear that too.

The former editor of Hustler reads from his book Friday, 7:30 p.m. at Skylight Books on 1818 North Vermont Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90027. He reads to the LA Press Club the evening of May 18.

Layne Thr-sher - The Rock Star CEO & Sensitive Guitar-Strumming Poet

I ask Danni.com employees for the truth (good and bad) about Layne Thr-sher, Danni.com and DHD. I'll give you anonymity.

Snow replies:

Well, the truth is, Luke. I really don't have anything good to report on Layne Thr-sher. He's a really nasty, petty, and backstabbing person - like he's playing some sort of Machiavellian business game, but nobody else cares and is just laughing that he thinks he's big s--- because he counts beans for Danni.com - let's be honest here. Danni Ashe is sweet, but she and her company are dinosaurs in this business. And from the information I have financially on the company, they won't last too long. For example, I know that we've had to skip with 2 week payment cycles and only pay bills when they can. This has never happened, well not until Layne "took over" the company.

The comedy of it all is the real CEO is a guy named John from New York City and has placed his complete trust in Layne to watch shop as CEO NYC is only in the office a few times a month. But the kicker is that back in October 05 or so, before Layne ousted the old VP and got himself promoted to head of whatever he is at Danni.com, he was working on starting a competitive company against Danni.com called "Bleeding Heart" he had planned to get it financed, and then hire away the affiliate marketing manager, the lead designer, and their top tech guy right out from underneath John's nose with out any notice - as a f--k you they'd planned to just not show up for work one day.

I know for a fact he conceived, wrote and almost implemented this plan all on his danni.com time - he worked on this in his own office. Then after he got promoted he changed his tune, dropped the plan and became the biggest kiss-ass lackey you've ever seen to John.

To further assert my credibility as a source, I'm attaching a copy of the business plan of Layne's Bleeding Heart company, and just in case there are any doubters, I would suggest you to look at the cover of his crappy poetry book and look at the cover of his business plan - notice it too is a Bleeding Heart - in fact, that same graphic was to be the logo of Layne's new company. And from the looks of it, apparently Layne was "Born to Porn."

I think for one you should repost those funny photos I sent you so that your readers can get another look at that guy thinking he's a rock star. Playing guitar with your shirt off is right up there with wearing a unitard to the gym, no?

Pic pic pic

Anyway, another funny thing is that he tried to play Silent Night for us at the Danni.com employee Xmas party which was at some s---ty surf shack btw, and they couldn't even afford to give us Xmas bonuses so they gave us crappy iPod shuffles - some of the upper employees were gifted with iPod video player. Which made us at the bottom feel even s---ter.

Anyway, I don't know if he's tone deaf or what, but it was the worst guitar playing any of us had heard. It sounded nothing like Silent Night - in fact I wasn't sure what song he was playing. Which is interesting for a guy who thinks he rocks the nation.

So here's my story (publish whatever you see fit, Layne and Danni.com have such a long list of enemies, I love the thought of them racking their brains to figure out who the mole is!)

In fact, I can probably give you their blow-by-blow reaction to this article once you publish it.

So like I said, I'm a danni.com insider and have been with the company for years. I've seen an endless revolving door on employees - the worst turn over of any company I've ever seen. But I've never seen turnover like with this Layne guy. It's pretty clear to all of us on staff that he has no idea what he's doing, and from the sharp dip in our members since he took over - the proof is really in the porno pudding that he can't manage s---.

For example the site was down for the entire month of March and they couldn't update a thing. All Layne's fault although he tried to blame DHD Media (billing/hosting provder) as he does with everything. All he does is blame DHD for everything and talk poorly about them. He and the lead tech guy are dying to pull away all their business from DHD, but each time they do it, they fumble the ball, f--k up the site, and piss off more customers.

To my knowledge DHD hosts a wide variety of successful sites, so looks like the blame lies in poor management at Danni.com.

Layne in my opinion is destroying an already floundering company - he's killed employee morale to the point where we all hope this s---hole goes under so we can get unemployment, and he's destroyed numerous vendor relationships, model relationships, and I'm sure the list could go on and on.

In fact - I bet after you publish this people will come out of the woodwork dying to tell you LT stories.

I mentioned the pay cycle thing, and those of us still left here are expecting the layoff hammer any day.

I wanted to also make sure you got the Xbiz story correct. See, XBiz used to publish an article called "Ask Danni" maybe they still do. But the funny thing is, Luke, Danni Ashe never wrote a single word of that article - ever. It was originally penned by the old VP and then was taken over by John in New York after he was ousted.

So XBiz got wind of this and wanted to know if it was true as they're not in the business of publishing lies. And take this from someone who was basically in the same room. Layne looks at the Xbiz folks and says, "You want to know the truth about Danni Ashe? The truth is none of your f--king business."

So his two top guys were in the meeting - they were clearly embarassed by his behavior, and Layne tried to save face in front of his employees who knew he completely f--ked up. So Layne looks to an old framed article of Danni Ashe from the USA Today and points to it then says, "We don't need XBiz. Xbiz didn't make Danni Ashe, USA Today made Danni Ashe."

He may have said, "f--k Xbiz" but I'm trying not to editorialize this, so i'm not putting it in there as I don't really 100% that was said. But when I overheard that I almost peeed my pants! Talk about delusional.

Danni.com couldn't get a story in USA Today now-a-days unless Danni hijacked an airliner or something. Old hat as they say.

More on the state of the company is that Danni Ashe from what I've heard is heartbroken about what these guys have done to her business and her name. They are ruining everything she worked for. She has nothing to do at all with the company and currently lives in Montana on a ranch.

For example it is us, the employees, posing as Danni on the messageboards - so believe me when I tell you that when you're "chatting" with Danni Ashe - you're chatting with a disgruntled individual - but you are not chatting with Danni - that is fact. The message board has turned into such a pool of venom from the members that Layne has his secretary sign up as different fake profiles to post positive comments. That is also fact.

The other fact that the old Webmistress Sandi was a man named Chris - fact - and there's another "female" customer service persona they use to contact customers and that is also a guy - been a few guys actually as they've all been fired or quit. Go earlier than that to the chat Mistress "Sammi" was indeed a Sammy, or rather a Sam - a buff, burly guy with an english accent. This guy. I think Danni fired him too, but he was a bit before my time.

In early 05, they've hired an old friend of Danni's to help out named Misha (Tammy) from mishaonline.com. The rumor on staff is that Misha is an ex-felon for a drug bust gone bad. So now they've got an asshole and a possible ex felon running the show!

The morale around here is terrible. They've taken away our IM and MySpace access, and threatened to fire Layne's assistant (who quit) for continuing to use it. They fired a bunch of people at the beginning of the year and the CEO from New York called us in for a big meeting. And you know what the jerk said to try and boost our morale? He said, "Be thankful we pay for your coffee - most companies don't do that." Like it was some kind of perk.

It really feels like a gang environment around here. We are underpaid, poorly treated, and under appreciated. Layne is the biggest bully to his underlings with a "my way/highway" attitude - and the funny thing is "my way" seems to spell financial disaster.

I could respect listening to him if he did a good job - but he's running the company into the ground. An executive once asked for a raise when he was given more to manage and Layne said something to the effect of, "Leaders don't ask for raises."

I so wish http://www.laynethrasher.com was still up. We were passing that around the office for a few days before Layne found out and password protected it. Supposedly, our tech guy has the password, and I am going to see if I can get it for you because then you will finally understand the flying turd that is Layne Thr-sher.

The site had many more photos of him rocking the 6 string shirtless, horrible writings and a bio of his that was nothing short of delusional hilarity. His bio stated he came up hard on the streets of Miami doing lots of coke, and how he was almost killed all the time and s---.

So my question to you is, Luke, if that's true, how does one find their way to bean counting? I mean, when's the last time you heard someone say, "I used to come up on the hard streets, doin' coke, livin' hard, but then I discovered the accounting school of ITT Tech and it saved my life." What a turd. This guy has to go!

Please, Danni Ashe - if you have any power what-so-ever over your company anymore - fire this asshole and come back before he completely destroys any good will that is left in this business for you and your site.

You said, "A lot of Layne's employees hate him." Trust me on this - all of us do. Thank you, Luke! You're the f--king real Rock Star for having the balls to publish the truth about these assholes.

LFP Salesman Peter Reynolds Fired

Space writes:

I heard Joanna Angel got in a verbal fight with Peter Reynolds (VCA Head of Sales) a few weeks ago. Could this be why he was fired yesterday? Has she become some bitch on a power trip? Can she get "anyone" fired?

Joanna Angel calls me back. "I'm not a bitch on a power trip."

Luke: "Can you get anyone fired?"

Joanna: "No.

"I can get you fired. It's going to be called JoannaIsBack tomorrow.

"I had nothing to do with Peter Reynolds getting fired. I think he was spending too much time selling my movies and not enough time selling the other people's movies.

"I was really close to him. He was probably the only person at Hustler I was close to. I don't know what I'm going to do now that he's gone. I feel like I've lost my mom. He took care of me. Now I'm lost in the wilderness."

Luke: "Were you screaming at him a few weeks ago?"

Joanna: "I don't scream. I was probably just being cranky because I want more money for my next movie and I just didn't get it because they don't think I'm good enough. But I took what I could get. One day I'll be good enough. I just get upset sometimes."

Luke: "Because you're an artist."

Joanna: "I am an artist. I want to make an enormous budget movie like Paul Thomas."

Luke: "How many people have you gotten fired now? It's a long list."

Joanna laughs. "I have never gotten anybody fired."

Luke: "You throw your breasts around and people start falling."

Joanna: "That's not true. If that was true, I would've made a movie with as big a budget as The DaVinci Load.

"Joanna's Angels is OK but it's no Devil in Miss Jones.

"If I could get what I wanted, I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing now."

Luke: "Talking to me."

Joanna: "My assistant would be talking to you."

Luke: "'Can you please hold for Joanna Angel?'

Joanna: "'She's not available at the moment. She's getting somebody else fired.'"

Luke: "This is why I love you. Your breasts."

Joanna: "Do you even know what breasts are? You've never even seen them before.

"My life is a disaster right now."

Luke: "Tell me where it hurts."

Joanna: "We're filming a new movie tomorrow. It's called Joanna Angel's ----ing Guide to ----ing. Do you like that?"

Luke: "It's brilliant."

Joanna: "It came to me when I was drunk, like all my ideas.

"I've got a big zit on my forehead. It's not making me happy."

Luke: "Did you have sex with Peter Reynolds?"

Joanna: "No. Do you think I have sex with everybody?"

Luke: "Yes."

Joanna: "I don't think I'm his type.

"Everybody around here is nuts but you and me. You're the only honest person I can count on."

I Feel Confused About My Sexuality

zomb1egirl: straponcash is launching a new site today www.bi-bi-american-pie.com it's got known pornstars on it, is that newsworthy for you?
zomb1egirl: in fact if you could do an interview with the owner Strapon Jason, he will HATE it so much, but i'll love it
zomb1egirl: call him StrapOn Jason as well, he loves that name
Luke: that is disgusting
Luke: yuck
Luke: how can i clean those images from my mind?
zomb1egirl: what is disgusting? u think eveyrthing is gross
zomb1egirl: why u knockin kevin moore on your site? who cares if he rents, renting is great, there's no obligations!! (i've actually never rented in my whole life & i feel stupid)
Luke: just joshing him, he's my friend
zomb1egirl: so is www.straponcash.com anything u could write about??
Luke: no, it's gross
Luke: no offense
zomb1egirl: sweet jesus, you are hilarious
zomb1egirl: www.snotgirls.com, www.eroticred.com
Luke: i don't want to look at anything you suggest today
Luke: I'm afraid
Luke: I've never done this before with any girl.
zomb1egirl: done what??
Luke: look at gross gay sites
Luke: This is making me confused about my sexuality.
zomb1egirl: oh good, more issues for you to deal with

Remember When General Video Of America Was The Number One Distributor?

Only eight years ago, they did 80% of the American distribution of hardcore pornography. Now they're lost in the pack.

Paul Fishbein's buddy Frank Koretsky of IVD is now the most powerful man in porn (Larry Flynt too often seems lost in a fog of medication and gambling addiction) and the biggest distributor.

After Reuben Sturman retired (circa 1988), GVA was split geographically into independently owned divisions.

David Sturman owns GVA West based in San Francisco.

Producers of porn complain that all of the big distributors take 120 days or more to pay for their product.

I chat with a friend.

Luke: "What happened to GVA?"

Friend: "They didn't pay their bills. IVD is the end-all and be-all of this industry."

Luke: "How long does Frank Koretsky take to pay?"

Friend: "He probably gets net 90 from everybody but he'll rarely pay an invoice in 90 days. Frank's in a powerful position. He's not stupid. He plays lots of games with people.

"Let's say you'll call asking for your money. You're a new guy. You're broke.

"IVD could say, 'Give us 10% off the invoice and we'll pay a quarter of it today.'"

Luke: "How did IVD surpass GVA West?"

Friend: "I don't really know. They've been aggressive with their buyers."

Luke: "The system does not encourage the artistic newcomer."

Friend: "It certainly does not. I don't want to single Frank out. Everybody plays these games. GVA has a reputation for being delinquent forever but people still send them product. A lot of these salesmen do not own the companies. Their incentive is to have their numbers as high as possible for what they've sold on a release even though they may know that a quarter of what they sold will never be paid for."

I wonder what percentage of the market of the top ten replicators hold? I'm guessing about two-thirds. I'm guessing that most Los Angeles pornographers can get their DVD replicated in Southern California. L&M is in Valencia. There's another guy in Chatsworth.

There are only a few guys that do most of the printing of DVD covers -- FB (Frank Barbarino), Breen Graphics...

It used to be that there were only a few major video duplicators.

Friend: "Duplication with VHS was a simpler process. All you have are a whole bunch of VCRs and you're popping in blank tapes. It took a bunch of man power. A lot of these companies such as Vivid and Evil Angel did their own duplication. But now studios are not going to spend a million dollars on a replication machine. It's not worth it.

"DVD replicators have to pay a royalty fee on every disc they press. When they buy blank media, there are identifiers on each disc. Numbers imprinted on a disc enable you to figure out who purchased your disc and pirated your disc."

Tabloid Baby Reports: Porn stars reclaim TV Land series title

Burt Kearns writes:

The folks at TV Land must be pretty embarrassed about their decision to rename a family-oriented TV series after the erotic-themed Showtime series My First Time, now that plans are in place to release the original, sexy episodes on DVD!

And meanwhile, the porn stars who performed in the original My First Time series (many of whom proudly claim the series as their big break and sole mainstream credit) have come forward to keep the tantalizing title in the sex world, where it belongs!

As we reported last week, the nostalgic TV Land network announced the debut of a six-part series looking at TV roles that changed the lives of Hollywood stars. The show’s being called “My First Time,” although it had the more apt title of “My Big Break” when it was ordered up last October.

Someone obviously thought that “My First Time” was a sexier title. Oh boy, were they right. Now Jim Belushi, Katey Segal and other stars profiled on the TV Land series may find some fans assuming they'd appeared on a very different show, indeed-- a series that featured performances by porn stars like Aurora Snow (right), Dru Berrymore, Lexington Steele, and Katie Morgan (above), who'd go on to be profiled and interviewed in the nude on the HBO special, A Porn Star Revealed.

The TV execs were caught with their, uh… pants down… when they realized My First Time (“True Stories of Love & Sex”) was the name of a very recent, but already legendary Showtime docudrama series in which ordinary women were interviewed, and gave explicit details about, the first time they had sex! Cited by Fleshbot, the influential porn and sex culture web magazine as “a fondly-remembered erotic program,” the series contained R-rated, filmed re-enactments of the women’s recollections.

Today, an enterprising Tabloid Baby reader has sent us a list of some of the X-rated actresses and actors who appeared in the series.

Now this is worth a TV series. For some of these actors, My First Time was their first time in front of the cameras. Others were porn veterans who showed up expecting to engage in hardcore action. Some were true underground stars who caused a buzz among the crew.

All were required to act.

And talk about TV Land— one actor was just beginning his foray into the adult entertainment industry. His hardcore exploits would cause a huge tabloid sensation, because he's the the son of a legendary network television comedian: Dick Smothers Jr.!



Here's a partial listing of the X-rated stars who got “Their Big Break” on “My First Time":

Summer Fields, Ann Marie, Ava Molina, Wendy Divine, Aria, Dru Berrymore, Ananda Saint James Goldie, Tina Tyler, Venus, Monique Alexander, Rhiannon Bray, Misty Mendez, Diana DeVoe, Dee, Alana Evans, Britney James, Dalny Marga, Katie Morgan, Buffy Sinclair, Aurora Snow, Allison Wyte, Melanie, Kelly Warner, Becca Bratt, Kara Caraballo and Mandy Roberts.

Male performers include Dick Smothers, Jr, Marty Romano (above, left), Chris Evans, Trevor Zen, Brett Wad, Barrett Blade, Julian St. Jox, Lexington Steele (right), Justin Slayer and Matt Bixel (and in a cameo, Legs McNeil, author of the porn history book, The Other Hollywood.

An apparent Tabloid Baby tribute site has managed to compile photos of the many of the women (the photos are Not Safe For The Office… but not hardcore).

Meanwhile, the TV Land series doesn’t debut until June 28th. There’s still time to change the name back to My Big Break. Imagine the confusion if the sexy DVDs hit stores during its run!

Taylor Rain Quits Lukeford.com, Declares Porn 'Evil'

She writes:

WHORES, SLUTS, HOOKER, CRACKHEADS, DRUG DEALERS, PIMPS, HOES AND BITCHES? I NEVER KNEW WHAT I WAS GETTING MYSELF INTO AT THE AGE OF 19!

I WISH I NEVER GOT INTO PORN BECAUSE OF 9/11 I WAS OUT OF A JOB!!! I WOULD OF BEEN A NORMAL SLUT THAT SERVED PEANUTS ON A PLANE!!! SWEET!!! MAYBE, WOULD OF BEEN PART OF THE MILE HIGH CLUB! OH WAIT, I ALREADY AM!

NOW, TODAY, AS WE SPEAK, THIS VERY MOMENT I WILL NEVER TRUST ANOTHER WHORE AGAIN! THERE'S SO MUCH COMPETION OUT THERE! DON'T GET ME WRONG THIS BUSINESS HAS MADE ME WHO I AM TODAY. I'M A STRONG YOUNG WOMEN, THAT HAS DONE MORE THAN OTHERS IN THIS BUSINESS (JENNA IS ABOVE ALL OF US OF COURSE), I FEEL LIKE MANY PEOPLE HAVE WALKED ALL OVER ME EXCEPT FOR A FEW!

IF YOUR A FAN OR A GIRL OR GUY THAT WANTS TO GET INTO THE BIZ. I WOULD REALLY REALLY THINK ABOUT GETTING A REAL JOB, THAT'S LONG TERM. PORN IS VERY SHORT TERM!

CAN'T TRUST NO BITCHES IN THIS INDUSTRY! ALL THEY WANT IS MONEY AND THEY WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET THAT f--kIN MONEY! 6 YEARS IN BIZ TRUST ME FROM MY EXPERIENCES!

PORN IS EVIL!

I email Taylor's fiance Keith O'Connor (their wedding is planned for the fall) and he replies:

LOL, she's just super cranky today!

She got food poisoning last week, that lasted 4 days... then started itching and found out yesterday she has poison oak and can't sleep at all because she can't stop itching, and then got pissed off because someone she was suppose to interview flaked. Not a good month for her thus far!

BUT..... she called me and told me that she got her 'first ebay' purchase in the mail today... a JUICY nikini... and she sounded completely different!!! Happy again, so who knows.

The King writes on XPT: "It's interesting that because of 9/11 she couldn't fulfill her dream of being a flight attendant. I wonder what she means? Please Taylor lets start a dialogue. Maybe we can all work this out together. I know everyone here will be very supportive. Give it a try."

Tony Malice (who uses a scene from Donkey Punch in his moniker) writes: "It's a very porn whore move to denounce the biz, say you hate it and all the people in it, but then also plug your website, where you can be seen being repeatedly sodomized."

Mike Albo Confirms I'm Still A Moron

I email Mike: "What did you think of [Allan's book A Prisoner of X] and its section on you?

Albo replies:

Allan has written a wildly entertaining book. And I'm not just saying that because I have, for many years, considered him to be a good, loyal and trusted friend, mentor and colleague. I genuinely love Allan like a brother.

As far as your perception that he wrote a "section" on me, he related a couple of incidents in which I was involved, but I was a peripheral character at best. Your continued fascination with me is somewhat disturbing.

That said, I thought what he related was hysterical. As I told him when he first showed me what he wrote, "That's some funny stuff."

Allan's a great writer, and he has the book to prove it. He's a smart and funny guy. You, on the other hand, are a moron.

Allan's publisher Adam Parfrey emails me: "Luke: Interesting but perhaps overlong piece with Allan MacDonell. This "Source" you quote on your site about Allan MacDonell being an ogre is obviously uninformed and holds a grudge for getting some piece of his canned for incompetence. I know over a dozen people who worked with Allan at Hustler, and every single one of them regarded him highly. I must have written a couple dozen articles for him from the '80s and '90s."

Jenna Jameson Blogs:

Not to mention the house we shout at was 5 stories so my little chicken calves screamed with pain the next 4 days after the shoot. But it will pay off, because the pics were insano! I the began my journey into Playboy TV commercials, which was a 2 day stint. The first day was what I call "an easy day". But the next day was a drama filled 12 hour irritation fest. All in all it turned out amazing, I guess irritation is sometimes the name of my game.

So once I left set that night (10 pm) Jay and I decided to drive our homesick asses home... mind you, it's a 6 hour drive. May have not been the best idea!

What Has David Aaron Clark Been Reading?

I call him during the evening of May 9.

David: "Comic books."

I make a disgusted sound.

David: "I've been on this nostalgia binge. I can't help it. I've been reading collections of old Marvel comics and remembering what it was like to be seven and think I was happy.

"I'm like one of the old Twilight Zone characters, middle-aged guys who realize that their life has led to nothing. They wish for the old days. I'm not yet Art Carney playing the drunken Santa Claus [1984's The Night They Saved Christmas]."

David later emails me:

Tsk, tsk, mr. sloppy. You linked to an unrelated movie made in 1984 that happened to star Art Carney, NOT the incredibly classic, famous original shot-on-video 1959 Christmas episode -- which the Sci-Fi Network always includes in its annual weekend-long Twilight Zone marathons.

How can I truly believe anything you write anymore?

David muses about the Twilight Zone episode "A Stop at Willoughby."

David: "That was good right there. I hope you recorded that. Every time I pass Willoughby, I think of that episode."

Luke: "David Stanley [Wicked director] just blogged, 'I'm a horrible person. Tell me I'm wrong.'"

David: "I was enjoying David Stanley's blog. I thought, 'Wow, this guy is far worse off emotionally than I am. This is great.'

"I wasn't surprised. I remember when I edited my shows at Vivid in 2000 and they were referring to him as the most artistic of their directors.

"We said, 'OK, he's probably very depressed.'

"Him and Ashley Blue seemed like an odd couple. I've seen her out a couple of times. She never says anything. She just stares over. I don't know if she realizes who I am. She's probably thinking the same thing I am: 'Should I go say hello to that person? Nah.'"

Luke: "I'm gonna run."

David: "OK. Don't misquote me on that marijuana thing. You can say I'm a stoner. That's fine. But please, no, you know how they get. 'Oh yeah, did you see how he said on Lukeisback that he spends all his budget money on drugs.' So please, please, I beg of you."

Luke: "I'll take care of you."

David: "Good. And I'll forward my journal. You'll get a kick out of it."

My tape then ran on to an old conversation with Kevin Blatt.

KB: "Did you see my penis pill war on GFY?"

Luke: "No."

KB: "You missed the greatest thread in the history of threads. They closed the thread because these guys started looking like such idiots. I jumped into the thread. The guys from mensniche can't stand me. I quit these guys. Before I quit, I took a job with JoeBucks. They didn't know it. They went out and told everybody they fired me. All the guys I hired came to the boards and said, 'How did you fire KB when he hired me a week ago?'

"You've got to see how I get this guy, this stupid 21yo snotty-nosed Limey kid to admit that penis pills don't work.

"The thread was started by BradM. It's these snake-oil salesmen trying to convince each other that this s--- works.

"What was the reason XXX quit VVV?"

Luke: "Musical differences."

KB: "Just goes to show you that that place is a nuthouse.

"How's Frank Barbarino? And Bobby Vitale and his broken urethra?"

Luke: According to then Vivid girl Tawny Roberts, the real story with that was that he and Brianna Banks were cracked out [in December 2002] and she ran him over. She was in the garage. She pinned him against the wall.

Marci Hirsch didn't like Tawny and Tawny was on the way out.

KB: "I'm waiting on a major job offer that's going to blow people away."

If I had a dollar for every time KB told me that...

KB: "I'd like to ask you what you know about them. I've been doing my due diligence. There isn't a lot of information out there on them. You wrote about them last week. I know because I was in their offices meeting with them and it was on their computers and they were all reading it. But keep that between us."

Luke: "I hear they are good people. They pay like clockwork."

KB: "They seem to be like total gentlemen. The whole inside of their office is so mainstream you'd never even know it was a porn business. That's why I was very impressed. I think they're going to make me an offer in the next day or two.

"Bro, you know I get the real scoop all the time. I'm in all these porn offices and I see your s--- on their computers. So anybody who gives you no credence, they're still reading you every day in every office across porn valley. I've got to think your traffic is better than ever."

Luke: "I used to get $1,000 for a banner on my front page for a month. Now I get $100."

KB: "You're charging wrong and people are not spending as much on banners. You should be able to get $300 a month. For those little buttons on the side, I'd charge $100 a month. Once you get 25,000 uniques a day, you can increase the prices."

Luke: "I'm getting about 3000 uniques a day. The core of the industry reads me."

KB: "Dude, you have no idea.

"My brother and I don't realize how ingratiated we are into the black-rap-porn world until we meet Suge Knight and he says, 'I know who you guys are.' It blows us away. It's the same thing with you. I don't think you realize how big you are until you hear the feedback."

Luke: "You're right. I sit in my house all day."

KB: "Keep things hush hush."

Tyler Faith calls [remember this tape is almost two years old, this was when she liked me, before I took bad pictures of her and wouldn't stop]. "Nobody cares what I'm doing."

Luke: "Wankus is your boyfriend."

Tyler: "I'm so far from having a boyfriend it's not even funny."

Luke: "That's sad."

Tyler: "It's not sad. It's by choice. I don't have time."

Luke: "Why? Are you dealing drugs?"

Tyler: "What?"

Luke: "Just kidding."

Tyler: "I'm totally straight-up with guys. I don't want a relationship. Bottom line. I don't know if they have selective hearing.

"Wankus and me are very good friends. He had a girlfriend for a long time. I don't think he wants to get into a relationship right away anyway. It's not even like that between us."

Luke: "You're a homewrecker."

Tyler: "I had nothing to do with it. I was friends with Daisy."

Luke: "Then you took her man."

Tyler: "No, I didn't. I don't plan on taking anybody's man.

"I've f---ed guys who had girlfriends and wives but I've never dated anybody who was in a relationship."

Luke: "What do you call dating?"

Tyler: "There are different levels of everything. Dating is where I will go out to places with somebody. Friends with benefits is someone I can have a conversation with after having sex with them. People like Kurt [Lockwood], who I had nothing in common with, it was totally just sex and I would have nothing to say afterwards..."

Luke: "Do you still have those pink sweats I met you in?"

Tyler: "I don't know."

Luke: "It was April 10, 2003 -- the day I met you."

Tyler: "Really?"

Luke: "Do you know why Kurt wants to beat up Wankus?"

Tyler: "I would imagine jealousy."

Luke: "Because he's boning you."

Tyler (who cohosted the Wankus show once a week for about six months at this point): "No, he's not boning me. I blew Wankus on KSEX a couple of weeks ago. I imagine that's where it stems from.

"I am a porn star. Hello? Obviously I'm blowing other people too."

Luke: "Kurt knows the spiritual connection that you and Wankus have."

Tyler: "Oh God. No, he probably watched the KSEX episode and freaked out."

Luke: "Did you use any special techniques with Wankus that you don't use with other guys?"

Tyler: "No."

Luke: "Did you rub on any special creams or ointments?"

Tyler: "No. There were no special herbal bath oils. It was a spur of the moment thing. It was Wankus's birthday.

"Wankus is a very special friend to me."

Luke: "That's what he says about you."

Tyler: "That's sweet."

Layne Thr-sher Appreciation Thread

Snowball emails:

Saw your post on that jerk Layne Thr-sher. Thought you and your surfers would like a take a look at this loser. Pic pic pic

And for a bigger laugh - check out his self-published poetry. Sorry - "sonnets". Same guy.

I'm a danni.com insider and have loads of info on him and the company in general if you'd like it.

Thanks for exposing this jerk!

Big Red writes me: "So throw a party and don't invite him."

JMT presents the week's pithiest comments

He writes:

3. "There ain't nothing more beautiful than money" (Monstar)
2. "Bring your glove, meat." (Mike Krukow, 3/9/06 Giants/Cubs telecast, after spectator is beaned attempting bare-handed catch of home run ball)
1. "No beavers. No sale." (Bob)