Mike Albo Interview
2003-09-03 07:15:34

Courtesy of Fetishbucks

I've known Mike Albo since January 1996 when he presided over Hustler Erotic Video Guide. Over the years, our relationship had its ups and downs (more downs than ups). We feuded for years. This finally came to an end in December 2000 when Mike bitch-slapped me outside the Larry Flynt building. I promised to only write about him responsibly thereafter.

A few months ago, Mike was laid off from LFP and went to work for Dennis Hof, owner of the world-famous Moonlite Bunny Ranch brothel. Albo writes a daily Internet column at AdultStarsNews.com.

I talk to Mike Albo by telephone Tuesday afternoon, September 2, for the first time in almost three years. Honky-tonk, bluegrass and other forms of Americana music play in the background of his apartment.

Mike: (JOKINGLY!) "Is the sound of my American accent as irritating to your ears as the sound of your Aussie accent is to mine?"

Long silence.

Luke: "I'm not sure."

Mike: "That's a politically correct answer. You’re taking this so seriously. Okay, I’ll try to keep with the tenor of the interview then.”

Luke: "When you got into feuds while you were with Hustler Erotic Video Guide, how much was real and how much was wrestling?"

Mike: "I'd say 90% was wrestling. It was mainly fake. It was all smoke and mirrors and done for promotion and fun. Most people should've gotten the joke right from the start. Most of the people involved in the adult business were huge pro-wrestling fans. Surprisingly, they were the ones who understood the whole thing the least."

Luke: "Which feuds were real?"

Mike: "I'd rather not say."

Luke: "There was a vicious email that went around about Gene Ross in December of 2000 that had your name on it."

Mike: "I don’t even remember that. It obviously wasn't me. It's just typical porn gunk. One thing that has always irritated me about this business and, in particular, a certain aspect of the rise of the Internet, is the ability for people to become completely anonymous and assume other people's identities. If you want to say something bad about somebody, and post something about them, the least you can do is be honorable and be a man and sign your own name to it and then tke the consequenses of your acions. Don't try to put it off on somebody else and hide like a scared little schoolboy...or, more accurately, a scared little schoolgirl.

"This isn’t to say that Gene and I haven’t had our little spats over the years. However, I've always considered him to be a friend and a funny, engaging guy. When you're friends, you can argue with each other and all’s forgiven afterwards. Evan Wright and I are close friends. Allen MacDonell is one of my best friends. We've all had our go-rounds more than once. I would never go on the Internet and say something nasty about them and tehn post somebody else's name to it. I'd say it to their face...and then face the withering comeback or the punch in the nose."

Luke: "You wrote under several different names at HEVG and according to Harris Gaffin's book Hollywood Blue, sometimes when a girl would call up to complain about a review, which you may have written, you said, 'That guy? I fired him weeks ago.'"

Mike: "Harris was a pest the day I gave him that answer. When he was conducting that particular interview, he was doing it at the VSDA show here in LA. I was actually trying to work. He was following me around. He was picking a very inopportune moment to do this. I felt like was trying to juggle 15 plates at once. It seemed to be a funny, fast answer to give to him at the moment and one that would satisfy his question, let me get back to work and, in the end, the readers of is book would end up with a goofy little story...that was a bit of an embellishment...Just like that movie, uh, “Anal Lesbian Nurses #412.”

"I'd had a conversation with Harris before and I thought he knew when I was joking with him and when I wasn't. When I saw that in print, I thought, 'Oh, Lord, here's another guy who didn't get the joke.'”

Luke: "How did you handle upset porn stars?"

Mike: "There was a certain editorial style to we had to cleave to at LFP. Danyel Cheeks was once referred to as a "f--- hole." She did not take kindly to that. She called me up in her best Southern accent. 'I am NOT a f--- hole.' She yammered on for a good five minutes. Obviously, she wasn't going to understand any rational explanation about editorial policy. I told her it was already in print and there was nothing I could do about it now.

"Oftentimes it is a boyfriend who says, 'Oh, this guy says you're a f--- hole. He's disrespecting you. Are you going to take that from him?' Instead of the boyfriend coming down and doing anything, he tells her to call up." That’s True Porn Love for you.

Luke: "Any porn chicks try to trade you sex for good reviews?"

Mike: “Nice segue, DUC. Still, that’s private infornation an I'd rather not say. Smarter readers might be able to pick up a hint here and there.”

Luke: "What were the constraints, if any, on your editorial freedom at HEVG?"

Mike: "What do you mean?"

Luke: "You told Gene Ross that your top 50 list of the most powerful people in porn was canned by Jim Kohls, president of LFP."

Mike: "That had to do with certain friendships at the company."

Luke: "Were there other stories killed from above?"

Mike: "No."

Luke: "Were you told to give Vivid good reviews once LFP became connected with them?"

Mike: "No."

Luke: "Do you regret burning any relationships in the business?"

Mike: "I don't think I burned any. People burned friendships with me. I have nothing to apologize for."

Luke: "Seriously? Most people are human and make mistakes. In ten years, you've never done anything you should apologize for?"

Mike: "Nope. Everything I did, I had a reason for doing. Usually, somebody started something with me. I'm not going to sit there and be a little bitch and allow myself to be treated like someone who can be slapped around without consequence. I'm not going to bow down. I'm not going to be afraid to say what's on my mind. That's not part of my culture. That's not the way I was raised. I never looked for trouble. A man has to have honor. I don't have much in this world except my honor. It’s not muh, but it’s mine, and I’m not going to ket someone takle it away frm me without a fight. I don't recall lying to anybody ever. I don't recall cheating or stealing from people. I don't recall doing any of these things that are so common in this business. Other than somebody starting something with me and having to yell back at them, or threatening to pop 'em one, or actually getting so worked up after suffering a constant barrage of abuse that I actaully did smack them. I think you were on the receiving end of one of those...and I didn't even hit you very hard. Plus, I gave you fair warning because I put you in a car and drove you out to East LA and left you there as a sign that I was very serious and that you should stop what were ding immediately. But, being you, you were a bit slow on the uptake and thought it was all a big joke. Right?"

Luke: "Right."

Mike: "But we can laugh about that now, can’t we?"

Luke: "Right."

Mike: "You don't sound like you think it was too funny."

Luke: "You can allow me mixed feelings."

Mike: "Well, I've got to say that the look on your face when we drove away as you stood on that sidewalk was priceless."

Luke: "Where did you learn to make such vivid death threats?"

Mike: "Huh? What do you mean?"

Luke: "I've never heard any death threats like yours, and I've heard many. Do you remember when you gave the first one?"

Mike: "To tell you the truth, I don't remember a single one of them. I come from an Italian-American background. a hard-rock coal-mining background from Southern Colorado. We're a hot tempered, emotional people when we feel we've been disrespected. You have to do something in a situation like that. Sometimes that tends to escalate into threats and sometimes it escalates into something more. I get that from the ancestral home of Trinidad, Colorado, and stories of the good side of the family having to wage war against the Black Hand [a criminal Italian gang]. Ugly things happened. Of course,this was a different time in American history. I’m talking about the period from shortly before the turn of the 20th Century to about the early 1930s.

"The Black Hand, instead of committing crimes against society at large, preyed upon their own people. That, to me, is truly evil. You don't prey on a bunch of poor people who just got to this country looking for a better life because things were so rough for them back in the Old Country and what they found here was probably worse thn what they left behind. So here they are in a foreignn land, far from home with only each other for support as they’re being exploited by the owners of the mines like they’re mules or something. This is right before the Ludlow massacre of 1914. We're Italians, you know, we’re the wrong people to mistreat like that."

Luke: "Have you been in any serious fights as an adult?"

Mike: "No."

Luke: "Have you ever felt scared by anyone in the porn industry?"

Mike: "No. Are you kidding me?"

Luke: "How did you find meaning in your work in the sex industry?"

Mike, incredulous: "Money."

Luke: "Anything else?"

Mike: "A 401(k) plan and medical and dental benefits."

Luke: "How did you feel about the rise of the Internet as a source of information on porn?"

Mike: "There were suddenly a lot of instant experts who showed up, a lot of whom didn't have experience, didn’t have any talent as far as writing anything halfway entertaining, didn't go to sets, didn't know anybody, got most of their information secondhand by reading previously published material, and then just threw it up on the Internet. Then these newsgroups formed and before you knew it everybody was an ‘expert’ hiding behind a screen name. It lowered the IQ factor."

Luke: "Do you think the Internet played a role in the demise of HEVG?"

Mike: "Could be. What I think had more of a role was Mr. Flynt's ultimate gameplan to become the Time/Warner of smut by buying up every company that has a recognizable brand name. It doesn't do to have a magazine that does real critiques on these types of movies or writes about what really happens behind the scenes. It also makes sense that the entertainment editor at Hustler now instead of just doing a section in the magazine where he writes 10-12 video reviews and two sidebars now does that plus three feature articles on some aspect of the business. It’s a lot cheaper to pay a guy like that than it is to pay me (who also got paid for each feature article that appeared in the magazine--not a huge fee, but a fee neverthe less--) and pay fot the printing costs of an additional magazine 12 month a year. It’s all economics."

Luke: "Care to offer any high points and low points from your tenure at LFP?"

Mike: "The low point was the way in which they they laid me off. In my way it was a lousy way to treat a loyal company man. To just be called up and handed my walking papers without any notice or opportunity to make start making arrangements to find new employment...or, worse, to not be offered another position within the company. It just seemed heartless. I had a lot of time and a bit of myself invested into that company and, in the end, I felt like I was thrown out with the night’s rubbish. I can tell you this, it certainly changed my personal feelings about Larry Flynt. Let’s just say I won’t be voting for him in the upcoming California guberbanatorial recall election. Cruz Bustamante’s getting my vote. He seems to understand the plight of the working man. I think Larry has left him out of touch with the common folk. The high points? I had the opportunity to work with some amazingly talented people...and some amazingly untalented people who only were there because of certain family conections."

Luke: "In your tenure in the biz, have you seen much evidence of organized crime involvement?"

Mike: "Oh, there you go again with your organized crime obsession. Get over it. No, I've never seen any organized crime. Most of the people in positions of power in this business are Jewish. Jews don't make good criminals."

Luke: "Do you think we would be better off or worse off if the government came in and threw all these guys in jail?"

Mike: "You mean the Jews?"

Luke: "Jewish and non-Jewish pornographers?"

Mike: "No, just the Jews...and the blacks who do interracial with young white girls...AND I’M KIDDING HERE, KIDS!!!!!! (Although I realize it’s in very bad taste., but it was such a STOOPID question.)"

Luke: "What's the worst thing to happen to this business in the last five years?"

Mike: "The one-upmanship. The people who produce these movies trying continually to be harder and wilder with each succeeding movie to the point where nothing is really erotic anymore. It's just gross and disturbing. Something like a bukkake is not sexy. It's revolting. After people get bored with that, then where do we go? There's only so much you can do with the sexual act. Then they toss in the extreme sports. Toss in skateboards and snowboards. What happened to the good-looking chicks?

"In my personal life, I don't really pay much attention to any this. I have a girlfriend. I don't watch this stuff except for work. She doesn't watch it at all unless there’s something so vile I know it will freak her out, so I tell her, ‘Hey, did you ever see this scene from Charles Laughton’s “Night of the Hunter”? Then she comes into the room and some chick’s slurping splooge out of another chick’s but with a drinking straw. This is just something I do to make money. It’s a job."

Luke: "What's it like working for Dennis Hof?"

Mike: "Dennis is the best. I was just about to bring that up and it’s the best way to end this interview. I can’t thank Dennis enough for being the last man in the business in the adult entertainment business with a pair of solid brass ones. When nobody else would touch me with a ten-foot pole, he gave me a job. He showed a lot of courage in taking a chance on me. Everyone else in the business, people I had known for years for whom I had done plenty of favors, were too chicken to even return my phone calls. Dennis had only spoken to me on the phone a couple of times when I had interviewed for the magazine. He’s a rebel, but he’s a revolutionary businessman too. That’s a potent combination. He’s going to leave a lasting imprint on the business. I can’t say enouh good things about the man. I have nothing but respect for him. Plus, I feel comfortable callig him Dennis. I never called Larry by his first name. It was alway Mr. Flynt. Also, the world-famous Moonlite Bunny Ranch is a place every guy should visit at least once. Dennis doesn’t just sell sex; he sells an adventure. The girls are hot, they treat the customers right and on my initial visit out there, I was knocked out by what a clean, well-run establishment the place was...and all the people working there from Dennis on down are all super-cool. Any of your readers who are interested should call for information at (775)246-9901."

Mike Albo Spills All About Leanna Hart
2003-09-15 10:14:07
Michael Louis Albo writes on Adult Stars News:

The whole "feud" and fake interview came about after setting up several interviews and then having them canceled a day or two after they were scheduled. Or something like that. I just remember that we really up against some serious deadlines and needed to get some copy in to go along with the photos we had already laid out, so I came up with this dopey idea to do a completely fake interview using a composite of every self-absorbed, self-centered and over-worked porn chick I'd ever met. Unfortunately for Leeanna, the Wheel of Fate spun and the pointer landed on her name. If I recall correctly, there was a disclaimer buried somewhere in there. The "marriage" thing happened when I ran into her agent up at CES not long after. We had been pals for some time, and he told me that Leeanna was "upset" and her feelings were hurt. I kind of felt bad and went over to speak with her and a photographer friend was there and got some shots of her and I talking and we started clowning around and, again if I remember this correctly, she grabbed me by the throat (but was laughing while she did it). Both of us being dressed up sort of formally, when I got the proofs back, they looked like wedding pictures to me, and it just seemed like good opportunity to pull a goofy hoax...and then wait a few months and run a "tragic" item of how things didn't work out.

Now, onto the drug thing. You might recall a story that was reported beyond the adult press...well, at least as far as, say, Howard Stern's show, about Leeanna's mysterious disappearance, and all sorts of weird stuff. I called her agent to see what was up. He and several others who had been working closely with her had mentioned that she was having some difficulties with certain substances. Serenity was never involved in giving anybody over at LFP any information in this matter. Sid was never involved other than having her name on the department head. All the information came from inside sources who, because I still use them from time to time and because I gave my word that they'd have anonymity, will have to remain nameless. However, they are all very reliable. All I can really say is that this is a tough business for everybody who chooses to make a go of it, and you have your ups and you have your downs. Believe me, pretty girls like Leeana are always going to have a benefactor or guardian angel to eventually step in and help them out. The negative results you mentioned apparently only lasted "a little while" which, I think, sort of bears this out. Anyway, I hope she's doing well. If you're in contact with her, please give her my best. Oh, and be sure to tell her I enjoyed her appearance on "Da Ali G Show." That was some funny stuff.

Sorry I couldn't be more accurate with all this stuff, but, like I said earlier, this is all from such a long time ago and my memory isn't what it used to be. I haven't thought about this stuff in years. For what it's worth, I hope it helped. (Oh, and for the record, Leeanna Heart has an open invitation to contact me at my e-mail address to promote anyhing she’d like or to do an interview or whatever she’d like...I sort of feel like I owe her one if she’s still hurting after all this time. And thanks to Green Lantern for bringing all these ghosts out of the attic.)

A Peek Into The Mind Of Porn's Best Writer
2003-09-14 10:41:50
Abraham Berg writes: Dear D.U.C.:

If Mike Albo, excuse me, Michael Louis Albo, is the "best" writer in porn, how is it that he's been exiled to some dinky little whorehouse website that nobody even reads? He swallowed his pride and went begging for a job from AVN when HEVG folded, and Paul Fishbein wanted no part of him. Paul chose Tim Connelly who also wants no part of Albo or what he has to say. In fact, AVN, the standard-bearer of our industry, has recently demonstrated that they would prefer to hire actual porn stars as writers and commentators over "writers" like Albo. What does that tell you? More importantly, from what I understand, there were positions available at LFP when HEVG folded and none were offered to Albo.

Another "writer" you've praised, Allen MacDonell, has found himself in the same position as Albo. Funny how Albo and MacDonell thought they were so smart for all those years and now they're out in the cold. Nobody with any sense will have anything to do with them, and the true supporters of our industry, guys like Tim Connelly, Paul Fishbein, and the rest are doing just fine. Oh, and even Jim Holliday, who suffered years of abuse from the poisonous comments of MacDonell and Albo, just had a successful signing at the Hustler Hollywood store. I wonder when Larry Flynt will be inviting his two former gunslingers for such an honor? From what I know of those of two losers, they'd probably snub a wonderful man like Larry Flynt who's sacrificed so much for our industry.

Michael Louis Albo writes on www.adultstarsnews.com:

Another sleepless night which brings the grand total to about 90 hours now. I’ve definitely crossed over into an alternate reality. Is the black homeless guy who perches at the entrance to the MetroLink Red Line from dusk ‘til dawn a vampire or a fallen angel? He doesn’t speak to me, but he gives me the once-over like I’m meat for the beast or some lower species awaiting Judgement Day. As the Rastamen say, “Soon come.” Yeah, and he carries a trumpet. Thankfully, he’s chosen not to blow...yet. Everything’s getting so, well, floaty. Back in the loft, for some reason, I keep playing Charlie Rich’s “Mohair Sam” and the Rolling Stone’s “Hand of Fate”over and over like some obsessive-compulsive. That and cleaning the toilet.

To be honest with you, dear readers, those of you who know me realize that I’m not easily fazed, but I’m starting to freak myself with each successive breath. In other words, I’ve got the fear and it’s laid its hand firmly upon my throat. I couldn’t even handle the thought of plowing through the pages of today’s edition of the Los Angeles Times what the coverage of the deaths of H-Bomb daddy Edward Teller and German filmmaker Leni Reifenstahl [Obviously, these columns are written a day or two in advance of their posting on adultstarsnews.com. —Ed.]. Instead, I buy one of those big-print, all-the-news-you-really-need papers the lead story of which is the remarkable finding that junior high achool girls can be “incredibly mean to one another.” In the parlance of the ‘tweener tribe, “Doi-ee.” Sadly, this ground-breaking report failed to mention how many chicks never break out of this mindset. Must be some sort of female defense mechanism. Or maybe Kipling was right: the female of the species is deadlier than the male. While I thought about this as I watched my new pal Quan, an elderly Chinese man, do his morning Tai-Chi to the rising sun and, when he finished, paid my respects with what has become another early-moring ritual by sharing a bit of conversation and ending it with a mutual bow of respect, I headed home to see what the electronic mail had brought.

True to the news report that you girls can sometimes exhibit a mean streak, the first message I opened was from “grlXXX69” who wrote to me: “What is the deal with Tera Patrick? This cunt claims to have been a Ford nodel or something? Yeah, right. Take a good look at her. The tiny, undersized head. The Jiminy-Cricket-Meets-Tojo features. The over-inflated porn slut boobs. Even a slag like Jenna Jameson looks good next to Tera Patrick. Are all the guys drooling over these two whores just stupid or do they just have bad taste?”

Uh, don’t ask me, honey. Both Tera and Jenna are way out of my league. Although I will say the “Jiminy-Cricket-Meets-Tojo” line had me laughing out loud. I wish I had thought of it first. You girls can be staggeringly evil-hearted.

The Best Of My Mike Albo Correspondence
2003-09-15 10:37:44
Excerpts of my correspondence (quoted with permission) with Michael Louis Albo, former editor of Hustler Erotic Video Guide, and current columnist at Adult Stars News.

8/19/03

Michael Louis Albo writes me: I'm so happy that Gene and I were able to "fascinate" you with our conversation. If Mr. Ross gets around to the real meat of our little talk, I'm sure you'll be ecstatic. However, in the meantime, here's an object lesson: I have a parakeet that I rescued from a cat attack. She survived minus a leg, and she's "fascinated" by several things, including shiny objects, mirrors and suspended items that make rattling noises when she pecks at them. Might I respectfully submit that you try some of these things?

The more I study my rescued, torn-up, one-legged parakeet, she really reminds of you. If she were a male, I might consider switching her name to Lukey. Trust me, despite "the angels of her better nature," she can be an annoying little bitch. Still, a crappy personality is better than none at all, so maybe there's hope for her and you yet, my son. I just wish she'd stop "talking" at a speed that can only be understood when tape recorded and played back at half speed. That and the dead-on click-clack sound of a computer keyboard she likes to make.

The parakeet, or budgie, is originally from the dry lands of Australia. Like I said, there are a lot of similarities. I do think she has a bit more common sense than you possess, which is a good trait for a species that is generally prey for everything that moves. Again, sort of like you. Hope the meds are helping you out.

And just because I've been communicating with you, don't get any strange ideas. You've still a long way to go with me, Sporty-Boy. Besides, I have horrible insomnia these past few months, there's nothing decent on television this evening and my gay-boy neighbor throws a hissy-fit if I pull out the guitar or the mandolin after 10:00, so I've got little else to do but send e-mail.

I'm assuming that nobody has attacked you lately, so it looks like you're doing well. I hope you survive this horrible virus that's affecting a lot of us at the moment. I've heard that it's supposed to mysteriously end on September 10 (or September 11). You never know about these things. Except they are major hassles.

DUC asks: If you needed to go to the hospital in an emergency, who would you ask?

Mike replies: The only times it has ever happened, a serious auto accident in October when a drunk driver crossed the center line and hit me head-on, the LA Fire Department's EMTs took me in their ambulance. Since my pickup truck was totaled, I called my dad to pick me up and take me home when I was released. Hey, he's retired. It gave him something to do that day.

I've really never given it much thought, but as an Italian-American I believe the only people you can ever truly trust are of your own blood, so it would have to be a family member. Jeez, that's a weird question to ask a guy. What's wrong with you? You need a hobby other than lithium. Might I suggest heroin? It gives you a schedule to which to keep, a daily dose to score and a plan to make sure you always are able to get that money up or face the sickness of withdrawal. As a side benefit, most serious junkies are depressingly normal people other than having the habit. Plus, if you don't OD, there is some evidence that the metabolic slowdown results in life extension. Just a thought.

You hate cleaning and moving and furniture? I can't afford a maid anymore and my girlfriend won't do that stuff for me, so I've come to enjoy it. It gives me a real sense of satisfaction. Plus, I've always done a better job than any maid I've ever hired. Best, when you've finished, you can sit back on a rearranged sofa or chair, play your guitar or some prerecorded music, breathe in the smell of pine-oil, bleach and steam and look around the room and think, "Man, this place really looks nice. I accomplished something today." Of course, then you spill a glass of water on the floor and step in it and track footprints from the spill to the rag-bin and you have to start over, but it keeps you busy. Hey, it might keep you off the lithium.

Since I have been a chronic insomniac for some time now, I could do it at 7:00 or 7:30...that anti-epilepsy medication my doctor's trying for the problem seem to be working, so, despite being up until what Chuck Berry called the "the wee-wee hours," the last week, I've found myself drifting off to sleep about 5:30 0r 6:00 and waking up about 9:00. Of course, then I like to take my morning walk through the alleys of Skid Row. A good reminder of what can happen if one makes the choice to throw away life on substance abuse is watching the coroner's team pack up some anonymous street person who's crossed The Great Divide during the night wrapped in filthy blanket with no ID and only a cardboard box or a shopping cart with few mean possessions to his name. Somewhere along the line this person must have had a family or at least friends who loved and care about him. It's quite an upsetting and disturbing sight, and one that I see, on average, three times a week. Worse is asking a cop or similar "official" on the scene, "What happened here?" The last one I asked just said, "Transient drank himself to death. No ID. Lots of work for us." Selfish bastard. I commented, "That's a lonely way to go and out of habit made the Sign of the Cross." Cop says, "I wouldn't pray for trash like him. He's what's ruining this city."

I admit, it's a hassle being cadged for "spare change" and cigarettes on ever block between Third Street and Olympic, but 2003 is starting o look n awful lot like 1933 to me, and no matter what kind of a pain in the ass a guy is, a death is a solemn and holy matter. Calling some poor, nameless, forgotten drunk "trash" seemed pretty heartless to me...and you know me, I am NOT the voice of sympathy and compassion. I guess you had to be there. Plus, you never belonged the One True Faith (you know, the one based in Rome). Of course, you my ask me religious questions in our interview, but I will answer very carefully if at all, you converted Christ Killer.

You told me once with a sort off disdain of my musical tastes that you prefer classical music. I though that of music was supposed to produce a calming effect on the listener. Honky tonk and the REAL country music of the '50s would cause your personality type to commit suicide within an hour. The bebop school of jazz, you would understand as it mutates "pop standards" in various very complicated ways of obscure branches of music theory. Of course, that music was basically developed in after-hours clubs and its greatest players were almost all heroin addicts. Bluegrass and Old Time, despite having many similarities to bebop in song structure, but lacking some of the complicated theoretical background you'd foolishly dismiss as simplistic and would, sadly miss some of the most poetic and grim lyrics to be found anywhere coming mainly from the oral tradition of Scotland and Ireland that stretches back to the days of the so-called "scops" and minstrels.

Tim Kenneally and I are working on some pieces using this as source material. Tim calls it "cowboy death rock," but he's a dope sometimes. Our "Ballad of Peg Boy" has the potential to be an alt.county hit with right exposure and the right artist o perform it. (You'll have to look up "peg boy" on your own, but several of them later left that trade and used the proceeds of their jobs to buy the then-new Colt revolvers and then became some of the earliest and most dangerous gunslingers of the Old West. Guess they had some issues to work out.) I think you should just stick with the medication. Music is just going to excite you too much.

Let me go through this [interview] and fine-tune it a bit (I hope you don't mind), so I don't come off lime so me sort of cross between Jim Holliday and Howard Hughes ("While we talk, sad music plays in the background." Sheesh! A lot of that was 100%, Grade-A, classic honky-tonk music by Emmylou Harris and Hank Locklin. It's supposed to have bit of a mournful sound. In fact, mandolinist/singer Bill Monroe called it the "high lonesome sound." It's like the wailing of a prairie wind; a stylistic choice and a certain prerequisite of the music. It's not like I'm sitting at home down in the glooms. I just happen to have an appreciation for that type of music and have been listening to it lately. Had you called last week, you would have heard me listening to the cheery-sounding LA pop of the 1960s like Brian Wilson, Love, the Cowsills...) I just watched Oliver Stone's "Natural Born Killers" on HBO the other night and it suddenly hit me: you're the real-life version of Robert Downey Jr.'s character, Wayne Gayle. Always looking to find a deeper meaning when there is none. There's a reason why Mickey and Mallory Knox kill him at the end of the movie: "We're not killin' you, Wayne. We kind of like you. We're making a statement. Not sure exactly what that statement is, but..." Then it's by-bye Wayne Gayle. Interestingly, everytime I drive out to Trinidad, I go through Gallup, NM, and always take a brief detour to travel Highway 666. Anyway, give me day or so to go over this interview and then I'll send it back to you. I promise, I will not change the content or do any heavy butchering to it.

Incidentally, my insomnia drove me up to the California Plaza about 5:00 this morning to write some stuff in my journal, watch the fountains, practice my Spanish with the maintenance crew (a useful skill in this neighborhood) and wait for Starbucks to open, and I was thinking about your oddball statement about "Natural Born Killers" and only watching "moral" movies. Luke, while there is violence aplenty in this movie, there is a certain morality--almost Biblical--to it, and, once the viewer can get past director Stone's natural born didacticism, it's really an interesting film. Despite your tendency to make up weird rules for yourself (which, I think is, as your shrink said, a pitiful cry for attention), if you'd WATCH the movie instead of relying on reading reviews about it, you might actually enjoy parts of it. There's a particularly touching scene played out in a bleak prison visiting room where Juliet Lewis's Mallory character tearfully tells Woody Harrelson's Mickey that her sexually abusive dad is "keeps f-ckin' touchin' me and I can't take it any more." Then she adds that dad's going to move the family so far away that when Mickey's eventually released, he'll never be able to find her. Mickey says, "It's cool. It don't matter. He can take you to Timbuktu. I'll be comin' one night soon. Even in a place like this there's beauty." (Or something like that. Powerful scene, though. As a bonus Bob Dylan does a solo arrangement of the old Jo Stafford clasic "You Belong to Me" turning a jaunty pop hit into a dirge of sorts.)

Lastly, you said you only listen to music from the 19th century. That's cool. A lot of the Anglo/Scottish/Irish folk music from the 18th Century eventually became isolated in the Appalachians and became what's now called Old Time or Bluegrass (the differences beween the two are slight and subtle. Folk/rock musician Roger McGuinn of the Byrds has a search engine/archive called "The Folk Den" where he's attempting to preserve some of these old American folk tunes. Sea chanteys, cowboy tunes, you name it, it's there. Mainly in Real Audio, but what are you going to do? It's at http://www.ibiblio.org/jimmy/folkden/front.php. Check it out.
The Smithsonian Institution has a very good "folkways" section as well with music and oral histories that are now being transferred from decaying tape and wax cylinders to digital formats. Good Woody Guthrie collection. That classical/klezmer/whatever-the-heck-you-listen-to is the Devil's music.

I'm as resilient as a cockroach. When the Apocalypse comes, there will be a horde of roaches, Keith Richards and me. I hope Keith has some Marlboro Reds. And he plays guitar too. We should have a blast.

For some odd reason, I've been sparing you a kind thought here and there during my daily Rosary sessions. You're actually a very twisted person. You NEED to drag yourself kicking and screaming into the 20th Century (and, yeah, I know we're in the 21st, but in your case, let's not rush things). You need to truly achieve an understanding of the evils and the horrors that are all around us and simply going onto porn sets and talking to XXX folk isn't going to cut it. I'd highly recommend going straight down the freebase/black-tar heroin path, but it'd probably kill you, or, more realistically, on your first attempt to score you'd be mistakenly made for a narc and killed for asking a typically idiotic L-ke F-rd question.

No, you need to proceed slowly. Much more slowly. My advice? As I said before, you need to watch "Natural Born Killers" (it IS a moral movie; the morality's just hidden under all the Hollywood gunk and you'll have to look for it.) You also need to go out and get a copy of the Rolling Stones' "Exile on Main Street." Since you're not used to rock and roll, and the production purposefully buried the lyrics in the mix, you'll have to go on the Internet and do a search for the complete lyrics. There are about 100 sites with them. Trust me, neither NBK nor "Exile" will damn you for eternity. You might even learn a thing or two. Finally, regarding our interview, you asked a goofy question that went something like "Have you been in any serious fights as an adult?" My answer was no.

I've given that some thought ever since. Actually I've had several, but they were more of the spiritual variety and mainly with my own personal demons, but I don't think that was the answer you sought. Lastly, digging up bones from an old grave, you once made a list of honest/dishonest people on your old site. Some sort of five-point rating system and I received, I believe, one point. I always thought that was unfair and not very accurate. Not that it matters. It just served to underscore my belief that if Lukey had his feelings hurt, he would do his best to try to discredit his "enemies." Very Nixonian for an Aussie. You people are a strange bunch. A lot like Americans in many ways...except that all of you speak with that annoying accent, uh, mate.

.......

Hustler and Hustler Erotic Video Guide (HEVG) take the opposite approach to AVN's cheerleader style. HEVG dishes everyone.

"It's hard to get a good review from Hustler," says Cash Markman. "And that can be good. AVN tends to be soft. I've done crap that they've called good."

"Far be it from me to rip another publication," writes Hustler's Sam Lowry, "but Adult Video News' first foray into fuck films is a self-congratulatory bore. Adult Video Nudes (VCA) is rife with in-jokes that supposedly lampoon the AVN staff, but the psuedohip references won't matter to the jerker who is sitting at home trying to get off. If more energy were spent on bringing the sex scenes alive, the self-indulgent humor wouldn't have mattered, but outside of a pair of bookend fucks that open and close the tape, it's paltry poking."

Selwyn Harris makes a living as a contributor to Major Adult Publications (oooh...) and as a screenwriter for Major Adult Video Productions (..aaah!)

"I lover jerking off. It's a blunt sentiment...but let me add that I am an infantile, dysfunctional, borderline sociopath whose devotion to low-rent sex-kicks is so pathological that I get paid to pull my wienie all day and wax amusing about it.

"If only the flesh industry could be so honest. Far too many smut-pushers these days imagine that pornography serves purposes other than assisting yank-addicted addicts mooks like myself in completing a given day's ration of sperm killing. They're lying." (HEVG)

Hustler Erotic Video Guide (HEVG) is the most amusing of the mags that cover porn and provides a superb guide to raw male nature. If you want to know how men think and act without the constraint of civilization, read HEVG. The split-personality of Editor Michael Louis Albo produces a magazine that is both the raincoater's guide and the thinking man's guide to pornography.

Michael Louis Albo was simply 'Mike Albo' until "some fag on the East Coast using my name began writing about '70s male TV stars he'd like to fuck..."

HEVG also boasts good stroke material, including the half of the mag devoted to ads.

"Just like everybody else in the free world, we need to pay the bills," reads Albo's reply to a complaining letter about the large amount of ad space. "That's what advertising helps us to do. Besides, some of the pictures that run with the ads are downright nasty. We jerk off to them all the time. In addition to providing the reader with whack material, we aim for a higher plane by giving honest reviews and valuable insights into what goes on in the minds of your favorite porn stars because, after all, a woman is definitely more than a cunt and an asshole. There's also her tits."

HEVG, like many sex mags, covers up the penetration shots in their ads with black dots.

Albo: "People can choose from hundreds of sex magazines. Since I've taken over, I've chosen to model us on a rock n'roll magazine that I particularly loved in the late '70s called Creem. They were part of the rock scene but away from it too because they hated everyone. Nothing was sacred. It amused the hell out of me.

"When I took over, I saw that other magazines outside Hustler kiss ass to everyone in the business. So I wanted to do something different."

In June 1996, Albo wrote this foreword to my "A History of X" book:

HEVG makes fun of everybody.

Albo says: "Bill Margold and Jim Holliday are fun to criticize because they take it so seriously.

"Barbara Dare, a well-known porn star, worked publicity at Vivid. She told me that she thought the magazine schizophrenic because we had a girl on the cover who we'd write something nice about and then the next month, we'd trash her.

"Sometimes we're nice and sometimes we're not. I don't think it makes a difference to the fans. We're not going to change anyone's minds. Porn strikes some deeply twisted Freudian root in people's brains. Some guys like big fat brunettes and other guys like skinny blondes. It doesn't matter what we say about them. They'll rent videos anyway.

"This is porn. How seriously can you take it? It's people fucking. It's not something sacred that we've got to idolize."

"But you rip people," I said. "You hurt feelings."

"But the people we write about are not real persons, Performers use fake names. This business is the equivalent of pro-wrestling. Nothing is real.

"What people end up seeing on video cassettes is not what goes on on a set. Especially anal movies where many accidents...and weird biological functions occur. You never see the girls taking enemas, for instance.

"If you want to look at it as though we're ripping the shit out of people, you've got a point. But it's to deflate the grandiose concept that some people have about this business. But that's just my opinion. I could be completely wrong.

"I doubt that any of today's pornography will still be talked about fifty years from now. Porn is a lot like rock n'roll - totally disposable pop culture."

"You seem so nice," I said to Albo. "But what you write is so vicious. For example, I'll quote from your latest rant about the hookerization of porn (which fills most of the plot of Pussyman 13 in which Albo acts but keeps his clothes on his tubby body, his cap on his bald head, and his dick in his dress pants).

"While it used to be that everyone outside this industry was a mark and deserved whatever happened to him in the course of his dealings with us - we have now been overrun from the inside by the hooker mentality of the female talent who see all men as johns.

"...Even the skaggiest...C-level bitch...will miss appointments, show up hours late, not turn in assignments on time and will not have the decency or the common business sense to utter two of the most important words in the English language: I'm sorry.

"As for Monique [DeMoan], Brittany [O'Connell] and any other cunt-for-hire who has the mistaken idea that we here at Hustler Erotic Video Guide are going to play the part of some subservient johns....All we have to say is: BLOW ME! And even if it's a really good hummer, the only way you're ever going to get in this magazine now will be to commit suicide. That's always newsworthy."

"You've got to read this stuff with a sense of irony," says Albo. "The article was a goof. Or maybe I had a bad night. "It's hyperbolic. The REWIND and FAST-FORWARD column are space for someone to rant.

"Tabloid stuff is popular. We're not writing a brain surgery manual.

"I hope they don't take the line about suicide seriously. It's all meant in good fun.

"When I write about a person, I'm not really writing about the person but about the character she's playing.

"In my personal life I don't refer to women as bitches, etc.. My writing is my alter ego.

"I find porn amusing. It's a good adjunct to masturbatory fantasy. The movies aren't that interesting to me anymore. I'm more interested in the people making them and the scene in general rather than the finished product."

"Albo isn't jaded," writes Harris Gaffin in his book Hollywood Blue. "Like Margold, he enjoys attacking, especially the porno performers who do a lame job. Some of them are only concerned with their dance career; they do the minimum necessary to earn the title porn star only so they can get better pay as a feature dancer. Sometimes, the critics change their names. The girls go bananas when they get panned and call up irate. Albo always is sympathetic to their complaints. 'Who him? I had the guy fired. He isn't here anymore,' he tells them. They thank him - he gets back to work."

Albo elaborated his views on the hookerization of porn on the set of Pussyman 13. "The premise of this episode… finds Pussyman suffering from a terminal case of porn ennui. Playing myself - the highly paid editor of a national sex mag - I invite Pussyman to relax at my swanky estate where the liqour flows freely and there's a constant parade of half-naked porn dollies. So much for reality-based porn."

Born in 1958, Albo, like Jimmy "White Moccasins" Holliday, doesn't fuck the talent. "Working in the business, it would cause more trouble than its worth. It's not ethical. When I taught university, I didn't sleep with either fellow faculty or my students. I'm a private person."

Michael says he has no desire to perform sex on camera. "I come from an uptight Italian Catholic family. I went to Catholic schools. And I'm not comfortable with the way I look."

The first days that I met Mike he wore sweats and a T-shirt, in violation of Larry Flynt's slacks, shirt and tie dress code. Mike always wears a hat to cover his bald head which he began shaving after most of his hair fell out from doing drugs. Albo says he's been drug-free for three years. Against regulations, however, he frequently closes his office door and smokes a cigarette.

"I don't like people taking my photo. I have a large family. When the cameras come out on the holidays, I make myself scarce.

"I believe in the teachings of the Catholic Church and I fail miserably in trying to live up to them."

Mike believes in God and he particularly enjoys reading the Hebrew Bible, known to many Christians as The Old Testament. "I believe that the historical Jesus was probably a hipper guy than people give him credit for."

Next to a massive stack of X-rated videos, The X-Rated Video Star Handbook and an autographed Juli Ashton dildo, Mike keeps a copy of the King James Version of the Bible. HEVG's new columnist Sid Deuce believes that Mike rips the porn industry because "he's so religious." Never mind that Mike doesn't participate in any organized religion. Just reading the Bible in Porn Valley makes you a freak.

Another HEVG columnist, Nina Suave, hits a similar note: "With all the activity in this hectic business, how does one choose which sets to cover and which ones to avoid? It's easy. That's what editors are for. Our editor [Michael L. Albo] is the repressed product of a parochial-school education. That's why he felt the urgent need to call me at seven o'clock in the morning to tell me to get over to a shoot featuring Lisa Anne. She is, in the words of Mr. Editor-Man, "the embodiment of every corrupted Catholic schoolgirl who used to pass out blowjobs like they were the Holy Eucharist." Yeah, he's an idiot."

Michael says he felt proud when AVN criticized HEVG in its January 1996 editorial. AVN Editor Gene Ross writes: And here I was about to go off on another one of Hustler Erotic Video Guide's literary equivalents of spousal abuse. The magazine in its January issue saw fit to haul AVN into the small claims court of criticism. Why? Because we had the audacity to print Alex Jordan's real name in a news report about her suicide. This comes from a periodical whose bad taste track record runs only a close second to its self-conscious attempt at shithouse journalism. You want tasteful? How's this for tasteful? A sampling of HEVG's own deft handling of the Jordan story is as follows: "Hanging in the closet like a slab of putrefying beef, swung the lifeless carcass known to the world - well, the porn world anyway, as Alex Jordan." Touching sentiments to say the least. Wait, it gets better: "...her mouth...was open in a hideous gape, leaving the once-pretty porn patty's face looking like a Kabuki mask framed by a Bozo the Clown hairdo."

The author of the Jordan article, Wally Wharton, explains her style as a protest against suicide.

Mike and Wally ran into each other at January's 1996 Consumer Electronics Show, as Mike narrates in the 3/96 HEVG. "...I've gone this route before and sneak through the freight entrance. The only problem I encounter is not from the guards, but from a toad-like writer/photographer from another publication [Mark Kernes, AVN] who, when greeted by me, stops in his tracks, calls me a scumbag and spits. And after all the free publicity I've given him. It just goes to show that you can't be nice to people in this business - unless they are Chief Jimmy White Moccasins.

"As I'm preparing to go to the [AVN Awards] show, I run into a skaggy freelance-writer chick [Wally Wharton] who is so blown out on any number of chemicals that she's a vibrating, raving bag of nerves and bone. It doesn't help when her traveling companion gives her the second tab of LSD. All things considered, it could have been worse, what with her paranoid fantasies of being followed by secret agents bent on her destruction and her subsequent ejection from the convention floor, all conducted simultaneously as she tried to interest Buck Adams in a blowjob. What's an editor to do? Easy. Fire the bitch. And ditch her skagged-out presence at the first opportunity."

Wally is so ticked at Michael for the mean things he writes about her that she's considering hiring a well-hung black guy to fuck him up the ass. Why? Because Michael promises to commit suicide if a "Negro" sodomizes him.

Albo frequently writes in HEVG under the name Dove Linkhorn, the lead character in the novel A Walk On The Wild Side by Nelson Algren. It's one of the five novels that he reads over and over again instead of going through the pain of selecting a new book to read.

"I used to like porn," writes Albo in HEVG. "There was a time I watched so much of the stuff that my wrist and elbow suffered permanent damage and ended a promising career on the professional bowling circuit.

"When did things start to sour? Was it another idiotic phone call from some dysfunctional dick-denouncing slut who felt slighted by this magazine's assessment of her dubious sex appeal? …Naaah. It was just a case of one sequel too many. I find it hard to get excited over a video with a title like Hollywood Anal Nurses Volume 2,122."

One thing Michael and Wally share is hatred from industry legend Bill Margold who used to review flicks for Velvet until deciding that he should stop writing about other people and let them write about him. Here's an excerpt of Bill's 1980 review of Three Ripening Cherries and Champagne Orgy. "Velvet readers can avoid two turds with one stone-cold review....Champagne Orgy is even worse than awful....Troy Benny, the director, may well have turned the cameras on and walked out of the room during this unarousing excuse for adult entertainment. What is supposed to be a cast party degenerates into an orgasmic-less series of grunting and grinding grapples during which many of the holes and poles spend more time looking into the camera than in each other. Cum shots are the main course, and Benny never misses the chance to show us a man's seed from every angle possible. If I were a spermatozoon in Champagne Orgy, I'd file for residuals."

Bill used to be a friend of the late Troy Benny, whose real name is Carlos Tobalina. Bill also used to be a friend of Michael Albo, Wally Wharton, Drea, Jefferey Douglas, Viper, Alex Jordan, Jim Holliday...

Craig Anthony: "The problem of porn journalism...is bringing variety to describing material that has little variety. Porn repeats itself and lacks aesthetics on which to comment. How does a writer maintain reader interest. Hence we get the lurid vocabulary, the endless made up words for cock, cunt and cum and the hyped disputes about trivia."

Like Margold and Holliday, Albo thrives on animosity. He read sections of this book placed on the internet, and took strong exception to my long quotes of the Video Guide. On May 28, 1997, my 31st birthday, Mike posted on RAME under the headline "Luke F-rd is an A--Hole." He also left angry messages on my voice mail. "You are a total moron. You are an idiot. You are a loser. I've been hearing about all your internet activities and I've heard you're bringing my name into it. I don't appreciate it. Leave me out of everything you've been doing. You're a fucking goofball. You just better hope that we don't meet up because it's not going to be a pretty situation.

"Judging from the yarmulka you wear on your pointy little pinhead, you must be a religious man. If I were you, I would pray that you don't run into me.

"I don't want to get specific, but if I were you, I'd be getting very nervous, because there are people other than me that are very upset with your little activities.

"You are a loser and a gimp. So don't use my name. If I see you, it's going to be very unpleasant. If you use my name one more time...."

I called Mike at home and he harangued me with similar language for five minutes. He said that I had "broken the code" by revealing real names. The next day I received these messages from Albo.

"You're in deep shit, my little fucking Australian friend.... Somebody is going to take care of you. You've created a number of enemies these last couple of days. And you can consider me at the top of the list. You fucking dick head...

"I don't want to have my name on the fucking internet... Do not ever say that I am your mentor. I think you're a dick. I think you're a loser. I think you're a hypocrite. So fuck you. I hope you die.

"...You get dumber every time I hear your stupid voice and your stupid Australian accent. Get a lawyer, pal, but even more important, get a good doctor 'cause you're going to need one. I can hardly wait for it to happen. I'll come to visit you in the hospital though. If you make it to the hospital, that is. Some of the people who are looking for you are not talking hospitalization, pal. But I'll come to your funeral..."

Albo left similar messages on my voice mail every few weeks through the Fall. On October 7, 1997, at 12:55PM, he left this: "Hey Luke F-rd, you fucking faggot. I just want to let you know that if you didn't get my last message, I'm going to kill you. You're a real dick head. I don't know how you think that there's going to be no consequences for the shit that you do. But there is, big time. And I'm going to love being one of the people that delivers it to you, pal. But I guess your circle of hell is already reserved.

"I'm looking at this shit that you're putting up on the internet. It is so fucking lame. You can't even get fucking published. You've gotta put this shit on the internet where all the fucking gimps and losers are. It's pathetic. And what's even worse, you have the skill of a second year college student trying to write a term paper. If one of my students would've handed in a piece of shit like this, it would've been 'Go back to the fucking drawing board.'

"You're a piece of shit. I'm telling you for your own good. Because we're going to run into each other and you ain't going to see me coming. It's going to be real painful for you, pal. "Maybe you're getting a good laugh out of it now. But as I'm kicking the shit out of you, and you're slipping into unconsciousness, just remember how funny it was. I'm going to lay you out hard, pal. If I were you, I'd be sleeping with both eyes open."

On October 29, 1997 Albo posted to the rec.arts.movies.erotica newsgroup under the headline "Luke F-rd IS A FAKE."

He wrote: "While surfing the net, I came across Luke F-rd's pitiful attempt to wangle a buck out of the gullible masses. $20 for his "History of X" and $30 for his porn star "Profiles". DON'T BUY THIS STUFF! Luke F-rd did not write any of this material. He plagiarized almost every single word from Hustler Erotic Video Guide and Adam Film World magazines. Worse, in far too many places, he presents previously published material as his own. What a loser. Hey, if you want to read this stuff, contact me in care of Hustler Erotic Video Guide and I'll send you FREE copies of whatever material you might want. Don't send this punk your hard-earned money. He'll just spend it on fancy yarmulkes and blowjobs from boy prostitutes anyway."

Mike Albo and Hustler Erotic Video Guide (HEVG) have obtained a restraining order against male performer Alec Metro for his threatening phone calls. Metro supposedly said: "…I do my pop-shots now during my sex scenes thinking about how bad I'm gonna fuck you up, Albo…and if you think you can record this to protect your ass, remember this: it's admissible in court, you asshole…"

Alec follows behind a long list of porners who've been infuriated by Albo's cutting style. Al Borda hated HEVG calling him a "cocksucker" and "retard." Albo says Jim Holliday won't talk to his staff "because several of our reviewers felt his movies were pretentious, long-winded tripe."

For pornographers who want to get good reviews, Mike recommends not acting "like a fag… Hey guys, keep those wrists straight when pointing…and stop doing those double-anal scenes where you rub dicks with another guy." For those porners who can't take criticism, "just commit suicide. It's become something of a porn tradition and we'll always remember you for such a dramatic act." (HEVG 9/98)

10/11/98: Luke receives this email: "Here's some news for you, [Hustler Erotic Video Guide editor] Mike Albo is strung out on heroin. he's been a junkie for years. I hate to see him calling you names in print when he's got his own skeletons. Ask him, and see what he says. Check out his pinned pupils, and now it makes sense when he sounded fucked up on the phone that time, huh? Don't be suprised when the porner friends try to protect him. What's the matter, Mikey? Can't face the truth? I love the stupid porners, they are my daily entertainment for years now. Others love you too, Luke, friends of mine at Hustler they love you and we all want to be outed as LUKE LOVERS but our jobs won't permit it-yet... We've got our own book ideas too...it's just too weird this world of freaks."

7/19/99

Mike South writes Luke: "Do guys like Mike Albo understand the term terroristic threat and what it means...if you chose to press charges that is enough evidence to have his ass locked up right now...an open and shut case. If he follows up with breaking your nose, you could own him. I can see the headline on your site now...Mike Albo: Luke F-rd's Little Bitch. I suggest that people think before they threaten you with violence or they may GIVE you your supposed wish of everyone in the industry going to jail, with all your enemies you could single handedly be responsible for the incarceration of almost all of porn valley."

Hustler Erotic Video Guide editor Michael Louis Albo writes www.geneross.com: "Gene: You know, the weekend rolls around and I put all this porno stuff on the back burner - sort of like what I do every day at 5:30 when the work day is over. Wasn't able to that this weekend. I received a phone call from Dr. Andrea Labinger, one of my former colleagues at the University of LaVerne. It seems that the good doctor has received an e-mail from one Mr. Luke F-rd who wanted to know if it were true that I had, indeed, worked at ULV (as I've said ad nauseam in the past). Although, I didn't see the e-mail, Dr. Labinger expressed some concerns about it's author. The words "crackpot" and "stalker" were used. Luke, it seems, is not being exactly forthright with Dr. Labinger, claiming he needs verification of my employment history for-get this-an "article" he's writing about me.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but has Luke ever written an article anywhere? Those lame-ass attempts at "satire" hardly qualify, and other than his poorly written and abysmally researched book, I don't think I've ever seen him in print. In fact, the only place I've seen his writing is on his own web site. That in itself speaks volumes as to how much value the rest of the world places upon his writing-if one can call what he does writing. Anyway, like I've hypothesized before, Lyin' Luke is miffed because we here at HEVG had the audacity to critique his book. Now, like the little bitch that he is, he seeks to discredit me. Too bad my friends at ULV will verify that I truly did teach there (although once this is established Luke and his moron supporters will undoubtedly try to save face by casting aspersions on ULV-hey, it's not Harvard). The point of all this? None except to say that I don't like it when people lie to my friends. I like it even less when they make my friends uncomfortable by pretending to be something they're not. Luke, be advised that I'm gonna break your nose when I see you."

Luke: Here is the note I sent Andrea Labinger and her reply:

From: lukeford To: labinger@ULV.EDU Date: Tuesday, July 06, 1999 11:17 AM Subject: Michael Louis Albo My name is Luke F-rd. I am a freelance journalist writing an article on Mike Albo. He said that you could confirm that he taught at La Verne? Is this true? Luke

Subject: Re: Michael Louis Albo Date: Wed, 21 Jul 1999 06:15:38 -0700 From: "Andrea Labinger" To: "lukeford"(lukeford@mediaone.net) (labinger@ULV.EDU) Yes, it's true that Michael Albo was an adjunct instructor in English at the University of La Verne. -Andrea Labinger

August 3, 1999

Mike Albo writes: "Gene: If anyone ever had a doubt that Luke F-rd is lazy and not-too-bright need only take a look at his posts today. Isn't it interesting how almost everytime I write something to YOU, it magically appears on Luke's site?

"Apparently Luke is nervous enough to try to imply that he'll take legal action if I carry through with my promise to break his nose. What he apparently fails to realize is that I DON'T CARE WHAT HE DOES. People who know me are well aware that I have very little regard for myself, so it stands to reason that I have even less regard for a plagiarizing, half-truth telling little bitch like Luke. Now, just for fun, let's see how long it will be before this post shows up on Luke's site.

"Oh, and by the way, to illustrate what a vindictive little punk Luke is, one need only look at his recent attacks against my friend and colleague Evan Wright. Evan, who wrote the unflattering item about Luke in Rolling Stone, is currently being painted as a rip-off artist by Luke via some complaints by photographer Johnny Castano about some (unsolicited) photos Castano sent to Evan-last year. (I won't go into the numerous horror stories involving Castano and several other editors here at LFP, Inc.)

"Once again, as in the recent Georgia Miles flap, Luke (and Castano, I might add) shows his ignorance of how professional publishing works. The standard line is that a publication is not responsible for unsolicited material. Maybe Castano should have thought about that before he sent so many photos to Evan. But that's really beside the point. What's really happening here is that Luke is angry with Evan for writing about him in less than glowing terms and because of that, he's now attempting some sort of lame character assassination. Too bad. Evan Wright is one of the most honest people with whom I've had the pleasure to work. I cannot say the same for Luke F-rd who deals in half-truths, insinuations and outright lies.

"Finally, do you think Luke will look better once I give him that free nose job?"

Gene sez: "Like the ones Darren and Marc Star got to hide their so-called incriminating pasts?"

NiceJewishGirl writes: "Just out of curiosity, if Mike Albo hates you so much how come he's reading your site daily to see if his name is there? I think Mike is suffering from brain related testosterone poisoning. It's something a lot of guys suffer from, especially since I've been reading your site. Death threats and threats of physical violence! I have news for them, hey it's only a web-site! Take it easy guys! This only confirms my view that most men are insane. I'm wondering if these threats make these guys feel more "manly"? I wonder if Mike, if he has a wife or girlfriend, threatens to beat her up too if she doesn't agree with him? He sounds really violent, I can't imagine any woman going near a guy like that."

Luke: Mike's relationships with women are generally limited to those he employs at Huster Erotic Video Guide.

Mike Albo phoned at 12:37 PM: "Hey Luke, this is Mike Albo. I just looked at your site and saw your response to Nice Jewish Girl. Very interesting. You know more about me than I know about myself. What women are you referring to? I suggest that you do a little fucking research first before you start writing shit about my personal life which you know nothing about.

"Anyway, Larry Flynt Jr. and I would like to invite you out to lunch next week. Please make sure that you save the time for us because we would really like to take you out... And when we say take you out, we mean, it's on us. So give a call to my assistant. So, in the meantime, get your facts straight before you write about me. You don't know anything about me... This is the first time I've even spoken to your stupid fucking voicemail in a year and a half, two years. And I haven't even seen you. So don't be writing that fucking shit... I told you that I am going to break your nose. Now I am going to give you a black eye too."

Next message at 12:39 PM: "Hi, my name is Linda Phelps. I just read on your website about how Mike only dates girls within his corporation. I just want to tell you that that is not true. Because I've been seeing Mike for a long time. He's the best boyfriend I've ever had. I don't work at LFP and it is really mean that you would say such things. You are changing our love by printing such lies and I don't appreciate it. SO SCREW YOU!"

She hangs up. Next message: "Hi, this is Linda Phelps again. I want to apologize for my last message. I got a little emotional there... That's not like me. When I see the man that I love slandered, it just does something to you, you know... I just wanted to say that Mike has never beat me... He's never raised a hand to me... He's one of the sweetest, kindest souls I've ever met. [At least, when he's not on smack.]

"He's fun. He's charming. I don't know where you get all this stuff about him... Obviously you don't know him. He's amazing. We've been together for a while now... He's... I can't even tell you. Thank you. Goodbye."

Luke: Hey Mike, I heard that you had carnal relations with several of your columnists, including Sid Deuce, Wally Wharton, and Nina Suave and Marc Medoff.

From www.geneross.com:

Mike Albo writes: "Gene: Does Luke F-rd write anymore, or does he just reprint your site? (Notice how quickly my post to you went on Luke's site?)

Gene sez: "The question is, will Luke post this posting about your posting being posted?"

Mike Albo later writes: "While I've been letting a lot of what Luke F-rd says about me slide, I have to respond to this dimwit's assertion that I only date women I employ at the magazine. First, this little bitch doesn't know a thing about my personal life. Second, this is just another attempt for this jerk to try and cause trouble for me. Luke, like I told you, I'm gonna break your fuckin' nose. But now I'm gonna give you a black eye too. I suggest that if you're going to continue writing untruths about me, you be man enough to walk down the street and and say whatever is on your mind to my face. Of course, sissy-boys like you never do the honorable thing."

Gene sez: "Mike, if it comes as any consolation, I will properly footnote your comments in MY history about the business."

Albo, later, in a follow-up call said that Ford called him and apologized for the "mean-spirited" and "uncouth" remarks that Ford posted on his site [about Albo dating employees]. Ford, according to Albo, also made some offer of conciliation, and Albo says he was weighing it. Unfortunately, Albo's mood for conciliatory gestures was short-lived when Ford posted additional comments that Albo was on smack, prompting Albo to write this:

Albo: "Regarding Luke's hilarious insinuation that I am "on smack." I'd like to issue to the following challenge to Mr. Ford. Luke, why don't you put your money where your mouth is. I'm willing to take a drug test right now. I'll even pay for it. However, if the test comes back negative and I am drug-free, I will then be allowed one punch in your face-with no legal repercussions. Are you man enough to accept?"

Luke: Hmm, interesting challenge. Will have to think about that one.

8/10/99

Albo Takes Luke For A Ride

I arrived at the Larry Flynt building on Wilshire and La Cienega Blvds at noon today and met Hustler Erotic Video Guide editor Mike Albo and his assistant Tim. I assumed they were going to offer me a job.

I skipped breakfast and felt ready to load up on a huge fancy lunch courtesy of Larry Flynt Publications.

Albo drove (I assume it was his car). He insisted that I sit in the front seat. We listened to a pop music station and did not speak.

I felt nervous and rather relieved that Albo did not punch me in the nose. He was dressed in black and seemed menacing. He smoked with the windows down but the air conditioner on.

Driving carefully and responsibly, Albo said to Tim, "did you tell him that Larry [Flynt Jr] is going to meet us there?"

Tim: "No I forgot."

Albo took Wilshire to Fairfax Blvd and took a right towards the Ten Freeway. I feel like jumping out of the car.

I break the silence. "Where are we going?"

Mike: "To a restaurant."

Five minutes later, I break the silence again as we drove east on the Ten: "Which restaurant?"

Mike: "Don't worry about it. Just a restaurant. Don't be so nervous Luke."

I'm getting nervous.

Albo exited on the 60 to Pomona and got off on Whittier Blvd. I've never been here before. Everything seems to be in Spanish.

Mike pulls off on to a side street. "We'll park on the street," he says.

Relieved, I get out and step away from the car. By the time I turn around, the car is driving down the street. I've been ditched.

I checked my pockets and to my horror found that I had not brought my wallet. I have no money.

I walk to Whittier Blvd and see a sign saying that I am in Boyle Heights. Everyone is speaking Spanish and most of the signs are in Spanish.

I ask a waitress to call me a taxi and eventually get home at 1:15 PM after a $47 taxi ride (including my $2 tip). The taxi driver could not speak English but I signalled him which way to go.

A few months ago, Mike Albo threw porn star Kendra Jade out of the building for being my friend.

Director James DiGiorgio writes: "Luke Brasco: I swear you're becoming more of a retard every day. I'm sending you copies of The Godfather 1 and 2, and Goodfellas. Please pay special attention to the parts when characters get whacked, and avoid those kind of situations. Here's some advice while you're waiting for the movies to arrive. First, don't EVER get into the front seat of a car, when there's some guy alone in the back. Look for this piece of Clemenza dialogue from GF1-- "Hello, Carlo."-- and you'll see what I mean. Also, why the fuck would you meet them there? Only a retard would do that. When the meeting was set, you say where, and meet them there. And you make sure you have some people who know where 'where' is. I'm very disappointed. You've learned nothing."

NJG writes: "How come when I just heard about the shooting in L.A. I thought it was you:)? I am serious, but it is funny I thought that."

"Professor Albo truly pissed off," writes XY. "Luke, I think you should take Mike Albo up on his offer for a drug test...only make sure it's random. For his convenience, it will only be during business hours (that way he doesn't have to worry about you showing up at 3 AM). And make sure someone is in there with him so he can't fake the test. I'm sure he wouldn't mind that."

From Gene Ross

Seduced and Abandoned in East LA: The Luke F-rd Saga Continues

When it rains, it pours. After Luke F-rd's drubbing Saturday night, Hustler's Mike Albo extended a lunch invitation to Ford Tuesday afternoon which resulted in Ford allegedly being abandoned in an East L.A. neighborhood.

Albo: "As far as I know, he's still in East LA somewhere. My assistant and I met him in front of the building [LFP]. He [Ford] got in the car. First he gets in the back seat. I go, no, sit in the front. He's like, no. He switches places. He's nervous as hell. We drive down Fairfax and get on the freeway and just start heading east. We're on the freeway for about 15-20 minutes, past downtown. We get off on Whittier Blvd. This whole time I'm not talking to him. Nobody's saying anything to him. Finally, he goes where are we going? We're going to a restaurant. Then there's more silence. I'm not exactly sure where I'm taking him at this point. We get off at Whittier. I see this dumpy fucking restaurant in a really bad neighborhood. I pull around the side, and go there's no parking here, we're going to have to park on the street. We drum down this little side street, my assistant bends over, he's pretending tying his shoe. Luke, at this point, is so fucking nervous, that he just jumps out of the car and closes the door. As soon as he does that, I hit the automatic door lock and take off. I'm looking in the rearview mirror and I'm seeing this horrified, perplexed, why are you doing this look. This was one of those places where there was graffiti everywhere. He was wearing these little pressed jeans and all preppied up. I love a guy like that."

In the September 1999 issue of HEVG, Albo, under the moniker Dove Linkhorn, interviews John Bone of Cream.

John says: "When I started Fantastic [for Metro in 1995], I went out on a limb. The industry had been Vividized. Everything was story-driven and soft-core. Kissy-face and safe. I went out on a limb and did extreme European hard-core, which is what I knew - I grew up with that. I had lawyers calling me and telling me to stop rocking the boat and I was going to ruin the industry and we were all going to hell in a handbasket because I was pushing the envelope."

Bone says other company owners (I assume he means Steve Hirsch of Vivid, and VCA's Russ Hampshire) tried to shut him down and kill his customer base. "People were terrified that if they carried my movies they were going to jail. Nobody went to jail and the public liked what I was doing. I had an identity: I was the hardest, raunchiest producer of pornography in America. It's very difficult to maintain that identity when every kid on the block has jumped on that bandwagon."

John says he's adding violence to his movies.

Albo asks Bone if Gene Ross writes his scripts. John says no. "...For years it was me under attack and they always dragged Gene out to beat me with. Now he's under attack and they're dragging me out...

"The internet has changed our lives and it has only just begun... Before the consumer was never taken into consideration. Movies were made for AVN or GVA. The opinion about our movie stopped with the reviewer and the magazine, or the distributor. The consumer was only allowed what the distributor wanted him to see. Now, if you read Luke F-rd's - who I personally think is a vicious little fairy - site, it's full of postings from Joe Blow in Iowa."

Later, Albo alludes to Leonarto August. Gene Ross has written that "Leonarto August" is my real name. In fact, "Leonarto August" is the English name of my former Israeli roommate Shimon, who apparently once used my social security number.

In his "Rewind" column at the end of the magazine, Albo rants about the internet: "Lately, through the irresponsibility of people like self-proclaimed "journalist" Luke F-rd and his amazingly ill-informed sources...the Internet has become a warren of sleazy innuendo, not based on fact, but rather on if these losers like a person or not.

"Gene Ross of AVN, a person with whom I've had my differences over the years, has been bearing the brunt of these baseless allegations made by those who are seemingly jealous of his connections and his place in the porn pecking-order. To his credit, Gene has stood fast, and whereas the Luke F-rd crowd deals in groundless accusations, Gene has exhibited professionalism by researching his stories before posting them in AVN or posting them on his site...

"...At the same time Luke F-rd started making the baseless allegations that we [LFP] were in the habit of swapping favorable reviews for "cash, drugs and VCRs.

"...The internet has become a sort of playground for all those losers and suicides-in-the-making who can't seem to get published in a legitimate forum..." (HEVG 9/99)

10/18/99

Last week Luke wrote that Mike Albo, editor of Hustler Erotic Video Guide, was hanging around on a Wicked Pictures set wearing nothing but fairy wings.

I received these phone messages from Mike Friday.

Mike 9:12 AM: "Hello Luke, it is pretty clear that you never learn your lesson. I'm refering to the stupid little reference to me today on your site which you know is not true. But yet you put it up there. So this is what I'm putting on your table. You have a choice: I'm either going to break your nose or I'm going to knock one of your teeth out, the next time I see you. And believe me, I'll do it. Because unlike you, I follow through with everything I say.

"Contact a lawyer. Go ahead and call the police and tell them that I am threatening you. Just so you know, I'm going to mess you up pal."

Mike at 9:22AM: "Hello Luke. I think we need to get this out of the way now. Please meet me in front of the Flynt Building today October 15 at noon. I'll be waiting and I'm going to beat your ass right there on the street. So if you're half a man, you'll show up.

"Bring a boxing glove. Better yet, bring your gun because the only thing that is going to stop me from kicking your ass is if you shoot me, but even then I'll probably grab your gun and beat you senseless with it. So, I'll be waiting for you."

Mike at 1:23 PM: "Hello Luke, I waited for you and you didn't show up. Big surprise. It's really funny that you can act like such a tough guy from the safety of your apartment but you will never face the consequences of any of your actions. I'm referring to me. I'm going to beat your ass. You can either stop this bullshit that you continue to do or you can get your ass kicked. I've met a lot of people in my life that I dislike but you I hate. I really hate you. I thought you learned your lesson when I dumped your ass in Boyle Heights. Do me a favor. Stop posting this stupid shit about me. You know I'm not gay. You know that I wasn't on that set. Don't hide behind that it's satire or it's comedy. Because it's not very satirical and it's not very funny.

"Keep all these voice mails because when a little pussy like you goes to take me to court, at least you'll have some evidence. Which shows you that I don't care what you do. Sometimes you've just got to take a stand. I don't mind getting sued and I don't mind going to jail."

Late Friday afternoon, I told Mike's voicemail that John Douglas and I wanted to take him out. Take him out to lunch. Meaning, lunch is on us, pal. Meet us in front of LukeFord.com headquarters at 264 S. La Cienega Blvd in Beverly Hills Tuesday at noon.

Monday at 8:53 AM: Mike left this message: "Two things Lukey baby. Number one, don't ever fucking threaten me. Number two, today's Monday. Be out front of the Flynt building at noon and I'm going to beat your ass on the street. You don't threaten me and you don't take a fucking attitude with me so be out there today and take your beating like a man. And, oh by the way, usually when you try to threaten somebody, you do it by yourself, you don't imply that somebody else is going to be there. So show up today by yourself and take your beating like a man."

9:17 AM: "Hello Luke, it is Mike Albo. It is Monday morning. This is my second message. Somebody explained to me that you are doing this just to get me angry and get some attention for yourself and the more I thought about it, the more I thought that they were probably right. So I am not going to play your stupid little game. You can show up here if you want today at noon but I would advise against it. I'm going to wait until I run into you, maybe up in Las Vegas this year, at the CES, and I'm going to blindside you. I'm going to break your jaw and I'm going to break your nose. And I hope you have insurance because you're going to need it to pay for the reconstructive surgery. And if you think I'm kidding, I guess you'll have to wait until the next time we meet."

10/22/99

Mike Albo phoned Luke Monday: "It seems for some reason I just can't escape from your presence. I just received a call from my employers who want me to offer you a position on my magazine. However there can be no mention of this on your website until we can work out the details. Then you can talk about it all you want. Until then, if you mention it on your website, the deal is off. If you could please meet me Wednesday at noon out front of our building, I will bring you up to my office and give you all the details. I'm totally opposed to this and I still hate your guts but I am a good little soldier and I do what I'm told. And I still might kick your ass."

Luke replied: "Hey Mike, I'm just not worthy of writing for Larry Flynt Publications. So I won't be there."

Friday morning, Albo left me this message: "Hey Luke. I just got your message. And I've got to give you credit where credit is due. You're much smarter than I thought you to be. Actually, there was no job. You were just set up to get your ass beat. So be on the lookout. I'm still going to do it."

Squacko writes: "Yeah, it seemed implausible that LFP would be hiring more writers amidst company -wide "repositioning" and cutbacks. Even more ignominously, LFP is obviously too cheap or too inept even to underwrite an effective beat-down. What a bunch of schlemiels!"

10/27/99

Luke phoned Mike Albo Tuesday night: "Mike, I would like to meet with you Wednesday morning so that I can apologize to your face. Also, I've detected a note of hostility and anger in your phone messages. Is it because I'm Jewish? Because Jews brought God and His Ten Commandments into the world? Is that why you hate me?"

Mike called at 9AM while Paul Cowan of the National Film Board set up in my hovel.

Mike: "Hey dick head. I don't want to meet with you. I don't want to see you. You apologzied publically, that's it. Don't call me again, don't write about me, don't do anything with me. Because if you do, I am going to come looking for you and I'm going to beat the shit out of you. Just leave me alone."

Mike hangs up. Then ten minutes later he calls back and says he wants to see me right away in front of the LFP building. I agree to show up.

Just before the NFB and I leave, Mike leaves this phone message: "Hey dipshit, I've been waiting for you for 40 fucking minutes. Where the fuck are you? I've got work to do, man. I would figure you would've showed up but you're a big fucking pussy. So let me just lay it down for you. I don't want to see my name on your stupid site anymore. Please take off all references to me. I don't want to hear what your fucking readers think about me, I don't want to hear what you think about me. I don't want to see my name on your site. Take it off. If you don't, I'm going to hunt you down and I'm going to beat your ass."

Luke and the National Film Board of Canada descended to Larry Flynt Publications on La Cienega and Wilshire Blvd to meet with Mike Albo, at his kind invitation this morning. I dressed in my yarmulke and prayer shawl, so that if Albo attacked me, it could defined as a hate crime.

When we got there, security descended on us and banished the film crew to the public sidewalk. Then Mike never showed up. We left 20 minutes later.

Albo called Luke around 11AM. The NFB filmed our phoned conversation.

Albo: "I do not appreciate being set up. Let me run something by you. Take all references to me off your website. Just leave me alone man. I don't know why that is so difficult for you... But don't play with me pal."

Luke: "Hmmm..."

Albo: "You want to cop an attitude with me and be a dickhead about it, I'll make sure that I find you sometime... And another thing. This conversation is between you and me. It is not fodder for your website."

Luke: "Ok."

Albo: "I don't want to see it on there."

Luke: "Ok."

Albo: "You say ok, but your word is... You're so full of shit Luke. It's like your apology and then you have to put all this other shit on there. Just take all references to me off your website... Don't write about me. I'm not a public figure. If you don't, it could be very bad for you. Have you ever known me to not follow through on something I said I would do?"

Luke: "No."

Albo: "So that should tell you something, right? Are you going to leave me alone?"

Luke: "Ummm..."

Albo: "You better say yes. What's wrong with you? Speak up."

Luke: "Hey, you've been pushing me all these months..."

Albo: "I haven't been pushing you. You've been doing all this shit. You plagiarize from me... You print misinformation about me. Just stop it. Because if you don't, I'm going to take care of business myself. And you're not going to like what I'm going to do."

Luke: "Ok, I'm willing to back off."

Albo: "I want all references to me off your website."

Luke: "I'm not willing to do that."

Albo: "You better do it Luke."

Luke: "Not a chance."

Albo: "Ok, it's your funeral."

Luke: "Ok."

Albo: "I don't want to see my name on there again."

Luke: "I can't guarantee that."

Albo: "You do what you want to do then. We'll just see what happens. Are you man enough to stand up to what's going to happen?"

Luke: "I showed up this morning."

Albo: "You showed up with a film crew you dick."

Luke: "They wanted to meet you."

Albo: "Which you didn't even inform me about. You're trying to fucking ambush me, what's wrong with you?"

Luke: "It wasn't an ambush. It was a friendly meeting."

Albo: "You didn't even inform me about it. Do you think that's fucking fair?"

Luke: "Yeah."

Albo: "Let me tell you something. Maybe where you come from it is, but it is not the way we do things in the USA. You're a dumb shit. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want anything to do with you. Except the next time I see you, I will have something to say. And you're not going to like it how I say it. Remember the time I dumped you in East LA?"

Luke: "Yeah, I didn't like it."

Albo: "I'm sure you didn't and you're going to like what's going to happen to you even less. Bear that in mind. You want to keep pushing me, fine do it. But there's consequences."

Luke: "Is it because I'm Jewish, Mike?"

Albo: "Luke, don't fuck with me. If you wanted to meet me this morning, I was there and more than willing to meet with you but I'm not going to sit there and provide entertainment for some fucking film crew."

Luke: "They want to interview you."

Albo: "Well, too fucking bad because it ain't gonna happen."

Luke: "They've read a lot about you..."

Albo: "Luke, you're really pushing it. Hey shut up and listen to me. This is how something could happen to somebody. You could be going to pick up your mail at your mailbox and somebody could come up behind you and something really bad could happen to you."

Luke: "That's a really harsh thing to say for just some..."

Albo: "Luke, you wanna fuck with me, fuck with me... If you've got something to say, say it."

Luke: "Yeah, you've dished it out. Now you need to take it too."

Albo: "Fine..."

Luke: "That November issue of Hustler Erotic Video Guide was really funny."

Albo: "Luke, shut the fuck up. You're a fucking whack job."

Mike hangs up.

Albo writes Gene Ross: "Gene: No surprise here, but Luke F-rd has, once again, proven himself to be a liar of the highest order. Luke is currently trying to foster the notion that I 'flaked' on some meeting I was supposed to have with him.

"This is what happened. After making a back-handed, disingenuous 'apology' to me on his website…to which he later added 'commentary' designed to negate the apology, Luke calls me and offers to meet with me. Okay, fine. Like I said, any time, any place.

"I call him and tell him to meet me right then and there. Since he lives next-door to our building, it shouldn't take him long. So I wait for 45 minuutes and he's a no-show. I call his house and tell him he's a pussy who can't follow through.

"I have another in-house meeting at 10:00, so I go to that. In the middle of my meeting, I get a phone call informing me that Luke has arrived with a film crew. [Albo, in a phone call, mentioned that Ford was also wearing a yarmulke and a prayer shawl.]

"Of course, this was his attempt to ambush me, and I told our security people to have him removed from our property.

"What does all this mean? Nothing really, except to underscore the fact that Luke F-rd is a dishonest, dishonorable person who doesn't have the balls to meet me man-to-man, and it's doubtful that he ever will. I think he's incapable of being a man, and I am convinced that he's never going to change.

"I'm done with this moron. He had his chance to prove he isn't a miserable little punk, and he failed. So am I going to beat him down still? Well, if I do, you can be sure that there won't be witnesses…and there definitely won't be a film crew there to record any incriminating evidence."

Krash write: "Menacing threats. Premeditation. Lying-in-wait. These are all, under California law, special circumstances that mean the difference between a misdemeanor and a felony. Is Mike Albo man enuff to do state time? Because there's not a jury in California that will find for a Hustler hireling in an instance of aggravated assault on a journalist. It may well be time for Albo to start doing those rectal-conditioning exercises so highly prized in porn 'talent'. See ya in Chino, porno-boy!"

XYZ writes: "I'm gonna be there [at CES] and kick Albo's ass myself if he makes the slightest threatening move in your direction. He must be a real tuff guy, sitting around writing alliterative phrases like "deep-dish debutantes dip dildos" and chainsmoking all day. Maybe I'll give him a mouthful of pepperspray, too, just to convey a more expressionistic sense of what violence is about. And of course, I'll be a witness at his trial. Who knows? Maybe this putz Albo is the wild card that brings Larry Flynt down? C'mon, Mike--let's get millenial--just you and me and The People of California."

Luke got this phone message from Mike Albo at 1PM: "I was just informed to look at your site which I did. And big surprise. You totally violated your agreement that our conversation was going to be private. So obviously you know nothing about keeping your word. And, by the way, you didn't have my permission to use that. You didn't tell me you were taping it which California law requires that you inform second parties that they are being taped. You didn't do that. And for the record, the Canadian Film Board does not have permission to use my voice and you would do wise to tell them that... Because if I find out that this ends up in the final cut...they're going to have a lawsuit on their hands.

"I'm just telling you now that you do not have my permission to use this. This is not for use on your website. It is a personal message between me and you. If you want to keep on violating California law, go ahead. Because you will hear from my attorneys...

"Just a final warning: Stay away from me. You are not going to like it if I run into you. Avoid me at all costs."

Luke replies: "Mike, I would've kept our conversation yesterday confidential, but you started making threats on my life again. And when threats on life are made, I feel free to violate any guarantees of confidentiality. In fact, when it comes to saving an innocent life, including my own, I feel free to violate any law."

10/29/99

Thursday night Nice Jewish Girl left a message for Mike Albo, the editor of Hustler Erotic Video Guide. She tried to intercede in our disputation over the meaning of the word "fairy."

Mike left Luke a couple of phone messages Friday morning.

8:52AM: "Hey listen dickhead, this is Albo. First of all, I never threatened your life. And I'll tell you exactly what I am going to do again. When I see you, I'm going to break every fucking bone in your face. You're going to be in a hospital for a month. You're going to have to eat soft food for six months. I'm going to knock out every one of your fucking teeth too. Listen, stay the fuck away from me if you don't want to get your ass kicked...

"I don't like you. You are a dishonorable lying sonofabitch. You claim to be super Jew and yet you violate every fucking commandment there is.

"Stay the fuck away from me. Don't have your fucking bitch call me, Nice Jewish Girl. I swear to God Luke you have crossed the line... And I better not find out that the National Film Board of Canada is using any taped reproduction of my voice because if they do, they've got a lawsuit on their hands and you will be a part of it. But it may not matter because you're going to be laid up in a hospital. Just so you know Luke, I'm going to beat you fucking down."

At 11:43AM, Mike said: "Hey douchebag, I've been thinking about the phone call I got from your little pal Nice Jewish Girl. If she's so concerned about patching things up, you better tell her that there's nothing she can do to stop me from beating your ass down. If she wants to be helpful, she can say a prayer for you because that is the only thing that's going to help you. It might take me years Luke but I'm going to find you and I am going to beat you to a bloody pulp. I'm not going to kill you so you don't have to worry about that. Somebody else will do that for me.

"Stay the fuck out of my way. Don't bother me because I am going to find you. And I don't want any more phone calls from your fucking psycho bitch. So keep your little girlfriend on a leash.

"Not only are you a liar, not only are you a person who can't keep his word, not only are you delusional, you have to have a chick stand up for you. Jesus, how do you live with yourself. At what age did you have your balls removed? You're a fucking pussy. But I don't have any problems beating you down because you have just pushed me beyond all reason. There's nothing you can do to save yourself...

"Carry a gun with you at all times because nothing would please me more than to take that out of you and to pistol whip you into unconsciousness. I am going to fuck you up pal."

Harry writes Luke: "Albo definately gets off on this stuff in some twisted way - his little psychosexual power trip. Just like any harraser. The amount of calls he makes makes it obvious. I wonder if he jerks off while doing this - is it audible?"

Luke: Yes.

October 30, 1999

Gary writes: Luke, are you stupid or do you just have a death wish? I can't believe you've brought back that reference to Mike Albo on the entry to your website. Could you please post a picture of Albo on your website, just in case the Los Angeles Times doesn't run a picture of him after your beating or your death. I'd like to see what he looks like.

Luke: Here are pictures from the opening of the Hustler Hollywood December 3, 1998:

• Image:1239857
  Mike Albo, Kristen
  
  
• Image:1239858
  James DiGiorgio, Mike Albo, Kristen
  

JL writes: Luke: Mike Albo's sure changed a lot in four years. I found an interesting article in the March 1995 HEVG.

"Porn people are crybabies. That's not a put-down, kids, it's a simple statement of fact. Since becoming editor of this magazine, I've had daily calls frompeople in the business,bth performers and those behind the scenes, who whine and moan and bitch about how unfairly they are treated by HEVG.

"Maybe they're right. Perhaps we have been a little harsh in our treatment of certain elements in this business. Talent agent Jim South was reportedly angered about being referred to as a 'peckerwood' in our April 1994 issue......Danyel Cheeks called me at home to let me know that she 'did not appreciate being called a fuckhole' by Seth Roberts. Her boyfriend at that time, an ex-marine, was threatening to come by our offices and teach all of us some manners.

"Well, *excuse* us! "We're not out to crush egos or ruin careers. We're just trying to entertain our readers. We just want to have a little fun."

Would you believe the author of those words was none other than Mike Albo??? Seems to have changed his views since the March 1995 HEVG came out (page 15, Mike).

"We mock the things we are to be." -- Mel Brooks as the 2000 year old man, from the album "2000 and 13," 1973.

Nice Jewish Girl left the following message on Albo's machine Saturday nig