East Coast vs. West Coast
The age old debate – Parody of My Own
A Little Mariah History:
I grew up in the heart of the US porn industry; I just didn’t know it until I was nearly 18 years old. Yes, I grew up in Porn Valley, Chatsworth to be exact which is the epicenter of Porn Valley. Once I was introduced to the industry in 1998 I worked feverishly for 2 years knocking out almost 250 movies in 24 months. Then after a 3 year break I started my first site and moved to Florida.
I travel to LA every 6 weeks and am usually there for 2 or 3 weeks depending on how much I have booked. I love it and I hate it for a multitude of reasons and after an email I got a few weeks ago I thought I’d do a little East Coast West Coast parody.
Here is the email I got:
“Mariah, please tell me it isn’t true that you moved from LA to Florida? I mean seriously, how could you leave LA? Don’t you miss the Low Riders and the Cholos and the mountains? I mean I was a die hard fan for years until I heard this. It broke my heart! My favorite porn star left the land that I love! How could you? Can you please, please please, tell me why you would leave here for of all places fucking Florida???? East Coast is the Worst Coast!!!!!” ——- Adrian W.
I replied to this fool in a much shorter, to the point way but I made the same point, but since then I have been back and forth many times and think about his email often when I’m there, sitting in traffic breathing in that fragrant southern California air that has that nice brown tinge to it you see when your flight is approaching the runway. I have come up with many responses and reasons since that email back in August, which is really funny because that’s when the worst wildfires in history were ravaging the hills near Burbank and Glendale!
There are many things I do miss about California that I don’t have here in Florida. I miss my family most of all. I love to have my mom around to hang out with or share a bottle of wine with and run to the mall together. There can never be a substitute for that anywhere in the world. I love her dearly and miss her the minute my flight leaves the ground to head back home.
I also miss seeing the mountains. I took it for granted my entire life and now I notice them every time I’m there. I make it a point to see them and to see if there is snow on the peaks. They comfort me when I’m there because it’s what I now see was a blessing I grew up with in Chatsworth, which has some pretty amazing hills. If you look really close you might be able to see a film crew and people fucking on the Rock near Topanga and the 118! Those are great things for sure, and things I couldn’t imagine not being a part of my life. However, the negatives are pretty huge for me.
My top issue with the whole West coast thing is the traffic and the filth. I stay north of the valley now in Ventura County which is nice but I have to drive every day to the valley which without traffic is about 45 minutes, but unless it’s 2 am there’s always traffic! Last week when I was there I was leaving downtown LA after my shoot with Kristina Rose for Holly Randall and at 11:30 at night I was in dead stop traffic on the 101 for an hour before I got to the 405! I just kept thinking “God I hate LA!” I mean seriously, are that many fucking people in this city!???!!!
Florida has great weather, even with the daily summer rains which I hated at first but now appreciate. Every afternoon between 2 and 3 it clouds up and rains and thunders and lightning’s for an hour or 90 minutes then it clears up and everything is fresh and clear. It’s actually very nice.
Another great thing is the DMV. I went yesterday to renew my tags for my car and boat trailer and was there for less than 10 minutes. In LA, you’re there for 3 or 4 hours sometimes. Even with an appointment it’s always an hour! On top of that for a custom plate (I have the John Lennon Imagine plate) and registration for a $30k car it was $90. In LA I would have had to pay the approximate value tax on my car and another $180 for the boat trailer tag so I would be looking at $1000 or so every year! Did I mention my Florida tag is good for 2 years???
Cleanliness is also an issue of mine in LA. Now don’t get me wrong, there are some beautiful neighborhoods there, no question, but LA is a filthy city and that isn’t even up for debate. All the crazy homeless people everywhere asking for money gets pretty fucking old too. How about when you’re shopping on Rodeo Drive, and having that big black Schizophrenic screaming to who knows who while he digs through the trash cans? If you’ve been there you know EXACTLY who I’m talking about too! This guy is about si feet tall, 250 pounds with long dreads in his hair and stares you right in the eye when you pass screaming things at you! talk about fucking scary! Him being black isn’t relevant, it just makes him even more scary to all those white folks who show up thinking that Beverly Hills is the Mecca for the upper echelon of rich folks and success. How about when you stop into il Fornaio on Beverly and Canon or Spago for lunch and you have to step over that guy with half of each foot missing (rotted off) who is literally black from filth sprawled out on the sidewalk right at the door with his ancient dog? It’s sad but Jesus Christ why do they allow them to setup shop right where I and hundreds of Japanese tourists are trying to spend our fucking money or grab a quick $35 club sandwich with white truffle oil macaroni and cheese? I mean come on now!
Florida has an ocean you can actually swim in without getting an ear infection or Hepatitis B, or hypothermia at the least. Our water temperature is in the mid to upper 80s during the summer months and the sand on the west coast of Florida where I live is sugar white. The sand in LA is like gravel and dirt mixed together and the water is so fucking cold your nipples pop through your bikini top! Now California does have surfing but I’m a girl so that doesn’t mean shit to me! There is a place on the east coast of Florida near Cocoa beach called Sebastian inlet that has decent waves and you don’t need a tetanus shot or a wet suit to enjoy it!
Now it’s true that Florida has hurricanes and from what I’ve heard those aren’t fun, but there hasn’t been one in the Tampa area for 82 years though. I do know people who throw hurricane parties in Key West which sounds pretty cool. At least with a hurricane you know a week ahead of time where it’s gonna go. An earthquake or fire gives no warning. Even if the fire doesn’t burn your house down it sure sucks breathing in smoke all day every day for weeks and washing the ash off your car every morning. I’ll take the hurricanes any day. I lived in Chatsworth during the Northridge quake and it destroyed a lot of my friends houses and the Northridge Mall was completely destroyed which really fucked up my life for those 14 months it took to rebuild it!
As far as the Low Riders and Cholo’s go, Low Rider’s are cool I guess but the problem is that there is usually a Mexican gangster driving them. I’m not down with the whole Cholo thing. I guess I’m too much into style and don’t get the whole long shorts with knee high tube socks and a plaid short sleeved shirt with the collar buttoned! When you read that it sounds like retarded kids’ clothes he picked out himself for the first day of school doesn’t it?
Florida is a much safer place to live too. Sure we have Miami and some other places that have bad areas, but we don’t have nearly the issues the west coast has. In the Tampa area where I live we have mirrors in every restroom, and not those polished steel mirrors either, actual glass mirrors even in gas station bathrooms! And guess what, no gang tags on them either! In LA I challenge you to find me a mirror in a public restroom! And if by some miracle you do, it has a bunch of gibberish carved into by some knucklehead who thinks he’s doing something prominent for his people.
And one of the best reasons to choose the east coast is that in Florida, it’s a state law that anywhere serving food is required to provide customers with a restroom. In LA most middle of the road food joints has nowhere to pee or even wash your hands!! I mean really, how fucked up is that? They do require seat covers when you find one which is a real plus though, I must say. But in Florida, even the shittiest little dump selling ribs on the roadside has to offer a place to use the facilities, I think. I do know for certain that if it’s a permanent structure they are required by law to give you a restroom. To me that is priceless! Have you ever noticed the black crust under people’s nails who are shoveling food into their gaping pie holes in restaurants? It’s a massive peeve of mine and I think it should be a law to require people to wash their filthy fucking hands or they don’t get food served or their money handled!
We don’t really need to address the cost of living and taxed to death issues do we? Well I will touch on it briefly. Florida has no state income tax and our toll roads, be they many, pay for road repairs and bridge repairs so there is no discrepancy as to where the money goes or where it comes from. Our gallon of gas is generally 50 cents to a dollar cheaper and most items you buy are 20 to 30% cheaper due to the lower sales taxes and lower tariffs on suppliers. My house is ¼ the price it would be in LA and less than a mile from the ocean. On a lake. With a screened in pool. It’s small and not the greatest but for $85k it’s just fine with me. My neighbors suck and sometimes park their van on their fucking lawn, but that’s ending as they have finally been notified of their foreclosure!!!!!!! Fucking white trash hillbillies! Uh oh, there is one big issue of Florida I haven’t mentioned yet. The white trash element. Florida is the trailer park capital of the US. I have no issue with trailer parks or mobile homes, and some are nicer than a lot of houses for sure, but it’s the people who live like they are out in the country but aren’t. I’ve been to the grocery near my house and there was a fucking filthy guy without shirt and shoes (I swear!) pushing a shopping cart with his naked and filthy son in it. Oh, and for your information his son was about 6 or 7 years old!!!!! How do you allow someone to grocery shop without a shirt or shoes, much less naked kids?? I’m sure that there is somewhere in LA that this has happened once or twice but not nearly at the rate it happens in some of the backwoods hillbilly areas we have here. But I knew I was going to the WT grocery when I went and on my first (and last) visit look what I saw! Imagine what goes on there regularly?????
After all being said and done I’ll still take the East Coast. I like my money going further for me and I like keeping more of what I work for. I LOVE mirrors without gang tags and I really enjoy a nice restroom when I’m out for a meal. I don’t enjoy the white trash with their filthy naked kids but I know where to go and where not to go. I actually know some people who moved from Connecticut down to Florida and by choice, knowingly moved to the center of the white trash area! Can you imagine?
In closing let me say this: I love America and the West Coast and East Coast and a lot of the places in between. The people of this country make it great and they also make it suck. If you throw trash out of your car window you suck. If you wash your hands before you exchange money you are great! If you wash your ass and balls in the sink where you work because there is no restroom, you and your employer suck! If you offer a seat cover in your restroom, thank you! Finally, if you send me emails making ridiculous statements like Adrian W. did then this is the fallout that will happen!
——- Mariah Milano
Yes Mariah; You nailed that right on the wall !!! LA is the filthiest city on the west Coast and a embarssment to my friends and reletives that come here. Nobody wants to use a trash can out here. And the Beaches are soo dirty I wouldn’t let me dog out there to take a piss in the water. Miami and Ft. lauderdale and the” Keys” are it!! lot of pretty foreign babes and gorgeous girls from the east coast and the Mid -west. Love Florida!!
I’m a New Yorker, I grew up in Manhattan Beach, and moved to California nearly 30 years ago. Except for the weather, I believe east coast and west coast are the same shit. It’s the humanity that stinks and sucks; and that’s global, not coast to coast. William Shakespeare once wrote:
‘Everywhere you go, the sky is the same color.’
He was right, after all.
Hey Colonel!!! Happy New Year man!!! getting ready for another crazy wild shooting year here in LA?? Im booking up Bro!! and going to do some more traveling and crazy ass acting dialouge!!! I let you know this one that Im going to be doing! so u can watch and trip on this. Father Rick Madrid..LOL you’ll like it!!! LOL..see you soon!!
Leave it to Mariah Milano to write a million words that add up to nothing. How is this long winded answer to a fanboy’s typical asslicking a ‘parody’ (unless it’s a goof on the usual eight word drunken responses porn chicks give to their fans)?
Mariah, you go on and on and fucking on about tax rates, DMV fees, traffic, weather, gasoline yadda yadda yadda. We get it — Florida has a lower ‘Cost of Living’ than California. BFD. Many states in the United States have less bureaucracy and lower costs than The Golden State…but for many, their relative happiness boils down to the maxim ‘location, location, location’. To each their own, be it cold, hot, beaches, mountains, deserts, or urban sprawl.
I have to admit Mariah makes some very good points. I grew up in SOCAL and the homeless out here are insane. Being in Santa Barbara now it is even worse. I really hate the gang writing too. Should just take their hands off for it.
The Colonel is right though using the wonderful quote it really is same shit same place. Just depends what you make of it.
Try Hawaii. Yeah, they hate white people for damn good reasons but all you have to do is try to fit in just a fuckin’ little. Maybe not the best beaches for checking out babes but it’s by far the cleanest and best for surfing.
Weather #1
ZERO Pollution.
Violent crime? Probably the lowest in the nation
Car registration is dirt cheap.
Expensive: You can rent a small, small place for a grand a month.
Traffic is only atrocious during the two rush hours.
Fuck L.A.
Last thing I heard was that Hawaii is amongst worlds most dangerous places considering murder, drugs and such. Well it was only a statement on an cheap-ass documentary I was watching to fall asleep. Then again you have to admit that islands usually develop peoples’ worst traits ( take england as an example – just kidding of course ).
To continue with pornsters completely unrelated residence proposal Id say you should move to germany.
– People tend to wash their hands.
– We Don’t walk around naked in public except for some special designated areas ( nude beaches i.e. ).
– There are usually mirrors in the restrooms.
– There are no gangs and/or other people that fancy marking their territory with tags. The only thing we have that comes close to gangs are the east european mobsters and they prefer shooting you in the back (of your head) over graffitis.
– Though there is some organized crime the level of criminal stuff is generally quite low. Especially those murders caused by a certain lack of impulse control don’t happen at all because almost nobody has a firearm.
– The people are generally nice and if you behave really well for about two or three decades your neighbour will eventually start to greet you.
– As you appear to take a special interest in cars and license-plates: I paid 50 Euros somewhat for plate+fee. You only have to pay once a lifetime ( your cars lifetime ). If you keep the plate for your next car you only have to pay a fee of around 25 Euros. Getting your license usually takes 5 to 10 minutes.
Oh, and we still have some highways with no speedlimit – so if you ever feel like driving 200mph will make you happy your welcome to do so.
Gas prizes and the weather are general drawbacks actually. Gas comes at the price of approx 1.3 Euros a Liter (not a gallon) and the weather is either rainy or cloudy (except for maybe a month a year – then its ass freezing cold).
– We have neither low-riders nor cholos.
The next thing that comes to that is the fact that 95% of the cabs are Mercedes Benz E-class and or beamers that are driven mostly by immigrants (turks mostly) who sometimes come close to the folkloristic congeniality of cholos (i.e. they look like someone who got stuck in the birth canal for 30 seconds to long).
PS: Let me assure you that Hitler is long dead and that’s is considered kind of inappropriate to throw nazi salutes and scream “Sieg Heil!”
PPS: Beware of the metric system! Our world is divided into the decimal system. Such clear measurements as “I’m three inch and 6 feet tall” aren’t used here. Instead we use exotic powers of ten.
Happy 2010 to you, Rick, I hope it’ll be another ass kickin’ year for you. As long as you bend those whores over and give it to them good, it doesn’t matter whether it’s in east coast, west coast or planet Mars. See you around, man.
What does it matter to ya
When you got a job to do
You gotta do it well
You gotta give the other fellow hell
– Paul McCartney
While I agree as far as Florida being a great place to live is concerned, I would really expect someone who makes a living by selling her body to be a lot less judgmental. So what if someone is black and loud or shirtless or handicapped? Are they hurting you in any way besides daring to breath the same air as you? No. So live and let live! Simple as that.
Also, knowing your intense hatred for inbred white trash hillbillies makes watching your can he score scene 100 times better. Thanks for writing this article.
Well you’re probably also aware Newklear that Porn (or at least the stuff that Mariah does) is 110% ‘Inbred White Trash Hillbilly’ free.
She’s too ‘good’ for, as The Colonel puts it, all of that Porn Valley “felon cock”. hahahahaha
I do hear Germany is the best place to live in Europe.
Ok Colonel, you can’t tell me that it’s the same in places that do now allow indigent people to setup camps on private propert in front of privately owned business as the places that do not allow it??? Can you???
I don’t know who said it but how about “Wherever you go, there you are” that’s a good one too! 🙂
I find them to be extremely different. Yes, LA is a lot like New York in ways. Both way over-crowded and over-priced.
First of all the dipshits who had to reply with smart ass answers weren’t bright enough to see the tongue-in-cheek manor that I wrote this.
And I was wondering where Mrs. Glick has been! Welcome back to the fray my old nemesis! 🙂 I knew this would bring out the keyboard warriors looking for something to call bigoted or snobbish or elitist. I even told Cindi when I emailed it to her this morning that this would get your riled up!
My issue with the homeless? They can be homeless all they want and I really feel bad for many of them, especially the mentally ill. However, the fact that they can post themselves right outside a store or restaurant door on private property no less is amazing. I have asked many store owners how it continues and they said there is nothing they can do about it. That is the most insane thing to me!
Well Newklear, maybe you’re a big strong strapping buck , but I am not and if you’ve been approached by a psychotic man 3 times your size who is in a rage over who knows what it can be fucking scary, and to know that nothing can be done to protect the public from these people is even more scary. I have spent a lot of time in Beverly Hills and have friends who live there and work there and have been told about how many people are attacked every year by the homeless. One guy grabbed an elderly woman and started to tear her clothing. Not so much off in a sexual abusive way, but he was convinced that she had sensors of some sort in them and the feds were using them to find him. Imagine that happening to your mother or grandmother. You would be pissed that some lunatic who had been known to be unstable and aggressive was allowed to prowl around and be in a position to do such things.
And Sammy, do you not think it reprehensible to be in a place where they sell food and people are filthy and barefoot and shirtless with naked second graders in their shopping carts????? Either you are the world’s most tolerant human which I personally know you are not, or you have grocery shopped in such a manor at some point or do so regularly! 🙂
I am against ignorance in any shade of skin Mrs Glick just the way you are against anyone with a vagina and a brain.
I enjoyed this, Mariah. It brought back a lot of memories. Im 36 and grew up in the S.F Valley but visited Florida every year from 1977-1998. West Palm Beach first then Boca Raton from 1993 on.
Based on my experiences, I can honestly say I love L.A. and hate fucking Florida. Heres some reasons why:
Humidity in Florida is unbearable. You just dont get used to that shit. The pool is no relief because the water is warm from the sun. The indoor pool isnt much better.
Your clothes are soaked from sweat. Ever see the movie “Body Heat?”
The nice warm Florida ocean waters have jellyfish. I got stung many times by them. Fuckers.
Worse than the jellyfish are the mosquitos. What pisses me off is they would never bite the Florida natives. I would have about 10-15 bites every visit and once when I went to the Keys I had over 60. My family who lived there would have none.
They bite you through your clothes and the insect spray. Long legged little shits would bite my face, too. Could never get laid at Club Boca with my zit boy face. I still was more attractive than Pete Rose, who I saw at his Boca sports bar.
Heres a redneck experience I had in Boca Raton. My dad and I were in a donut shop eating a nutritous breakfast. A guy at the counter who was ordering pointed to a chocolate donut and said “I want the one that looks like a nigger.” Jello Biafra would have lost his lunch.
Who cares about the DMV? If you have a good record you only have to go every 4 years. Mariah, when you renew you should get there right when they open to avoid the wait. Remember, your a porn star so its not a problem if your late for a shoot.
Concerned about the lack of restrooms in “middle of the road food joints?” My advice….Dont eat at middle of the road food joints! Thats nasty. You know damn well that place isnt clean. The cook didnt wash his hands properly after he wiped his butt. Then he makes your mung beans and rice. I dont care that your on a shoot in the middle of nowhere getting DP’d by Jon Dough and Guy DiSilva. Pack your food, girl. Prepare a healthy snack the night before. Pack it. Regfridgerate it (if necessary). Take it the next day to the middle of nowhere shoot. I saw Lee Stone in a BTS walking into the shoot with a cooler bag of food. If he can do it, anyone can.
I could write more but Im missing the Alabama/Texas BCS game.
One more thing. Florida has a supermarket called Winn Dixie and another called Publix. Fuck those gay named food stores and a big fuck off to Kenny Rogers Roasters. Fuck you scum bag bearded fuck Kenny chicken killer.
oh and by the way Hawaii has a meth problem of epidemic proportion. My stpe father was born and raised there and his mother and sisters all still live there. Tourists are robbed constantly and smoke-able meth or ice as they call it some have said was originated in Hawaii.
his sister had to move away from Oahu to the big island because of gang problems and she lived on the North shore away from Honolulu. They are all staying only for his mother who is almost 90. When she’s gone they are moving to San Fransisco. Hawaii has one of the highest per ca pita crime rates in the US.
In fact Mariah, regardless of any minor, major or extreme differences between west and east, north and south, etc. they all have one thing in common: They are populated by humans; and that’s what I pointed out in my commentary. Anywhere on the planet earth, during any historical period, when a group of human beings gather and establish a society, inevitable troubles and tragedies follow: Chaos, confusion, corruption, murder, war, etc. The problem is us, not the geographical boundaries. We are what we are, wherever we go and whatever we do, to the bitter end.
Hawaii does have a big meth problem but violent crime is very low. The murder rate is the lowest in the country. I did get my civic stolen TWICE but that was right after the first Fast and the Furious movie. Still one of the best places to live in the U.S. If you are willing to adapt to the local style of living.
just for your information John Dough killed himself a few years ago and I don’t do DP’s…never have. Oh and Pete Rose’s restaurant isn’t in Boca, it’s in Boynton Beach which is about 2 minutes north. 🙂
Lee Stone is a gorilla for Christ’s sake! he carries cooler’s of food everywhere he goes. He’s built like that for a reason.
a lot of places near the ocean don’t have any mosquitoes but I agree, the bugs suck.
I am used to the humidity and have actually learned to like it. I get up at 5am to take the dogs out and the warm morning air is really awesome.
Publix is awesome and Winn Dixie is where I saw the shirtless shoeless people lol
and publix blows the doors off of Ralphs and Vons and Alberton’s by the way! 🙂 Seriously, it does.
I go to the beach at least once a week from March until November and a few times during the winter and I have never been stung by a jelly fish, so wherever it is that you went must have been on a bayou somewhere and not an ocean by the way it sounds! lol
In Hawaii my step fathers nephew lived in a tent city on Maui because none of the waiters who worked at the resorts could afford to rent apartments there. they picked and sold star fruit to the restaurants to make extra money. We aren’t talking about 10 or 12 people living in tents, it was hundreds of people! Now that may sound very Bohemian to many of you but running water and electricity are pretty nice things to have. I do like Hawaii but I will take having a boat in the Keys any day of the week…but then again I have that now 🙂 SO Suck it Sammy! 🙂
Mariah I understand now why you prefer east coast to west coast, I still remember when my ex-porn star friend Jandi Lin told me when she was in Madrid for our expoconvention ficeb 2008 only a few months before she left porn , Jandi told me: Pepe I really miss Hawaii, I am since a year ago living in filthy, sad and dirty city, I hate L.A. probably that’s why I will leave porn soon and back to Hawaii soon, this was in June, three months later, she came back to Hawaii and she is not in porn anymore 🙁
” We have neither low-riders nor cholos.”
Or Jews and Gypsies for a while.
I loved the commentary on Florida Mariah. BTW, I remember that way sister was shocked of seen the white trash, shirtless and dirty as living like that was normal. She could not believe white people can behave in that way.
Or the tons of fat and very fat people. That is what shocked my father. Of course being latinos with hang mostly with our relatives there.
Is Hawaii that expensive? I always hear stories from native Hawaians about people with decent jobs living in poverty, homeless, tents, etc. Weird.
Hawaii(Oahu) is very expensive, especially real estate. A small house with no yard costs on average $600,000. The Hawaiian people suffer the most and yes, many native Hawaiian’s live in tents on the beaches 20 minutes away from Waikiki. Many Hawaiian’s have left their island paradise to a much more affordable life in Las Vegas. Well, at least Vegas is ALL beach.
Having lived in Hawaii for a year, California for 8 years, and Florida for 6, I find this all extremely entertaining. Keep up the debate, I want more!
FL is on the east coast, but it’s the bastard child of the south… go to north FL and all there are are hicks, not Cubans and Hatians… To me FL is not the east coast
lol well according to the map it is 🙂
Florida has an east and west coast as well. The east side has rad and sometimes dangerous waves, and rip currents. West coast faces the gulf, has nicer sand, safer for kids and novice surfers. Also ferries to some nice islands and nice west coast Florida sunsets. Also, the water on the gulf coast is up to 10 degrees warmer.
shit steele! I thought you’d passed on. good to see you’re still alive, man.
Hey Jed, thanx, How’s it hanging? I did almost pass on. I had a bad case of Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, but I’m over it. I watched M.T.V.’s “Real World” for about 20 minutes and got much better.
Hey have you read about Andy Dick getting arrested for grabbing a bouncers crotch? And in all places West Virgina. It’s amazing that sapphic buffoon didn’t get pummeled. It’s no wonder he named himself “Dick”. It’s all he thinks about. I was at The Improv on Melrose and he whipped his one-eyed wonder worm out on stage. Most of the packed audience immediately got up and left. That was the most entertaining part.
I blame the proliferation of pornography for this. No, actually, I blame him; one of those f–s who confuses gay rights with gay priviledges.
doing good, steele, glad to see your update. nice work, best laugh i’d had in a while.
i did see that about andy dick, didn’t know what the circumstances were. but being WV i’m surprised it wasn’t the end of him. that crank loves collecting mug shots.