NL- I really admire Angela for writing this essay, and putting it all out there, heart on her sleeve style.
Fucked up Christians and Conditional Love
I dont understand this love. When I was a youth pastor, yes shocking, my pastor told me not to hang out with Leah and that I needed to give her an ultimatum because she was not "living for God". Tonight, almost exactly a year after being -outed- to my parents and disowned, they stand by their morals of not ascoatiating with me. Quoting scripture "What does Light have in common with Darkness." My mom was put in the hospital this week. They made an emergency trip back from Mexico… and no one told me. What if she died?
Keep in mind, I lead a sex filled 3 year double life that afforded me to see my niece and nephew born. Every holiday and every month my parents returned to the United States from being on the mission field, I was at their American house cooking, enjoying the fire pit and sitting in the the hot tub in the cool of the Colorado evenings.
A little background. My father was head of my Christian denomination from 93-97′. I was raised in the best privates schools and was a force starting my own non-profit in high school for the American Cancer Society. I also traveled and performed for Prom Week (abstinence) while I was a high school student. Leah’s mom and my mom attended the same Bible study where she wanted Leah to hang out with me to be a good influence. Leah was a book worm who now works for the FEDs and is my everything. We talk everyday while she is on contracts all over the US. We have been attached through every season since I was 12.
As a youth pastor, I gave the the ultimatum to Leah over dinner saying she needed to get right with God if she wanted to hang out with me. We parted ways after that night for two years… till I crossed over to the dark side.
When I was ready to marry and settle down at 25, we knew I had an addictive personality and my addiction was sex. I researched counselors in Denver. I ran through Google every word possible for those with sex addiction counseling. I laughed in my head knowing I am a bi and would be wanting to jump the bones of the girls as they would go into gross detail of their addictions… I would want to be there to "help"… wink!
But with all my hunting in a city of a million and pages of Christian organizations there was ONLY ONE to help those with sex addiction. When I went, they asked me to step away from Eric and all of life for a year to make the addiction go away. I cried, not wanting to give up Eric. I remember so clearly telling the woman, "SO these are pages of numbers of churches that preach to the choir but want to have nothing with those with addictions. So there is no help for me? Your God does not want normal people?"
The distance I feel tonight from the "loving Christian" world I was raised in and the God that was taught to me seems so great.
I hear of an unconditional love.
Where the hell is it? I want to believe that the teachings I was raised with are bullshit and a God that loves us no matter what exists. I want a lighting bolt to jolt my parents out of this. I missed my brother graduating with his Masters, my dad’s 60th, my niece walking, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mothers Day, Father Day… I missed it all this year in porn.
Yes, whaa whaa me. But back to it’s my choice. I chose to do this. It was so much cooler when my family did not know. Who is the God that disowns with conditional love? I want to kick his ass!
Seriously… clean up and be perfect before God loves you? Fuck that! I think I am going to fuck 12 guys tonight! Bring it on.
Thats it girl let all out! Those whom have become your extended family here, love you until your family comes around.Your parents can’t hate you forever.For now you can lean on me and follow your dream! xoxoxo:) Brittany Blaze
Angela: Yeah, what you’re doing offends your parents’ sensibilities, and probably always will. After all, at the moment, your life likely makes them feel like failures and hypocrites. Y’know what will go a long way toward addressing that?
Be happy. Be ridiculously, deliriously happy. Be confident. Take control of who you are and responsibility for what you do. Be kind to a fault. Love promiscuously.
‘Cause it’s tough to argue with success. They’ll try, to be sure… but in the end, they’ll lose the argument every time. Unless they’re just truly horrible people, they won’t be able to hold out indefinitely against your happiness.
“Angela: Yeah, what you’re doing offends your parents’ sensibilities, and probably always will. After all, at the moment, your life likely makes them feel like failures and hypocrites. Y’know what will go a long way toward addressing that?”
I have talk with a chick that is in the same position and also is true, she has an addictive personality and her parents do feel that what she does for a living does make them failures and hypocrites in the eyes of their peers.
And she unlike Angela, has realized that her choice of doing porn instead of just being a regular whore was to stick her rebelion in the eyes of her parents.
Saldy she like Angela longs for the love and acceptance of her parents but in then other hand what to live enaslaved to her addictions. That will never happend, her parents might accept her changing religions or just being a secular, slut in her private life with a civilian job, but they will never, ever accept her porn lifestyle, never. I hope for a happy ending but I also expect the worse.
“Unless they’re just truly horrible people, they won’t be able to hold out indefinitely against your happiness.”
I doubt that being successfull in porn will solve things Roger. Being successfull in porn will make her daugther a even bigger failure in her parents eyes.
They just will write her off forever.
I’m sooooo sorry that this happened to you. When my brother found out that I was making porn for a living he freaked. He said he felt like someone had punched him in the stomach and winded him and it took him 3 days before he could even approach me on it. We had an argument over it, and it was 3 years before he ever spoke to me again. (Bear in mind the hypocrite found out because he rented a Vivid movie that I was in, “Chloe’s Pool Party”, hey at least it wasn’t unladylike like Throatgaggers 13 or something, lol.. just kidding.)
It has been 6 years since that and we still barely speak, the relationship will never be what it was. To this day I have never met his wife or his 3 children.
Doesn’t religion say “hate the sin, love the sinner?”
Here is one that I like better, but I think it’s from Monty Python, not the bible. “Be a light unto thine own feet” (or something like that, senility sucks)
It just means, stay strong, stay sweet and be true to yourself. You wake up with yourself in the morning, you look at yourself in the mirror every day, you have to live with yourself. I do not believe you are hurting anyone. Do what makes you happy. The people who love you will eventually come around. Or not. My mother eventually did. That is unconditional love.
Vicky, and you are Scandinavian, Scandies are supposed to be progressive about sex. And yet you had your share of troubles.
Imagine if you are raised in a Asian family, a Latino Catholic family or a Bible thumping American Evangelical Protestant family.
To my knowledge Jandi Linn perfectionist Asian family has not forgiven her for doing porn yet, and she has been out porn for more than a year.
When she wrote in her blog that she was being paid to ignore her mother´s tears and her father´s shame she mean it.
The girl I talked before have been so deep despair about making peace with her family again that she sometimes has thought of suicide.
I feel for Angela and can relate to the issues she wrote about in regards to her family (as I’m sure many women in porn can).
I’m going through something similar right now with my family – initially they said they’d always be there for me after I was nothing but open and honest with them (and forgiving towards many members of my family about quite a few things that many wouldn’t have been forgiving of), but later decided to change their mind and currently don’t speak to me. Most likely, because it was simply easier and more socially acceptable for them to do.
I think that this attitude is all common across the board, regardless culture, background, etc.
I agree with the advice Roger (in comment #2) gave – you have to try to find innate happiness, consistently do what is right for you and just realize that some people really find it easier to follow the popular and socially acceptable train of thought rather than take the more difficult road of digging deep – ADMITTING that they too, have most likely done things just as “bad” in private or secret as what you’ve chosen to do publicly.
In the end, Angela (and I think most people who can get through this issue and move forward) will most likely wind up a stronger, wiser, more empathetic and deeper human being in general than most, simply due to the fact that they didn’t take the easy, acceptable and “do what we say or you’re cast out” road.
I’m growing very ill of how religion is CONSISTENTLY being thrown into the argument against porn – especially Christianity – because last time I checked, according to most branches of Christianity God loves and see’s all equally AND has a plan for all AND created everyone with a path and purpose which was most likely pre-determined.
If God truly didn’t want the adult industry to exist then WHY would the human mind have been divinely created to even INVENT the concept of pornography? Why would there be people who lead perfectly functional and productive lives who work within the adult entertainment field?
According to Christianity, humans are not meant to nor are we capable of truly and accurately judging one another – that judgment is meant to be reserved for GOD after we cross over and no one else.
Amazing how religions truly feel they can “rank” one “sin” as being worse, or less worse than another.
In the past a woman merely showing her bare legs in public was considered pornographic – now it’s not – it’s “mainstream”. It will be interesting as time goes on, how what is considered “softcore” and/or “hardcore” today will be considered “mainstream” in the future by the public.
When that happens, those who judged current (and past) adult models and actors/actresses may be dead and in heaven, hell, the hereafter or whatever it is you believe in – but they’ll most likely owe some apologies.
Just a thought.
Hmmm. Well, I guess Angela needs to decide what path she needs to follow. Life is not simple and God is not always this sugary All-mighty version of Barney the Dinosaur. Sometimes choices need to be made and sometimes you could make the wrong one. You could desire something that you don’t really want.
A lot of people say they are happy doing porn and being promiscuous. Some are but many aren’t–many are just unable or too afraid to moderate their urges and emotions to live a life that’s not hyper-sexual. I can’t tell Angela Aspen what to think but I would say that she should try to respect her parents to the limit of abandoning herself. Maybe she should try giving up porn and controlling sexual urges for a temporary period. Its unfair of parents to decide who their child should be, but you have to understand how being in the adult industry may hurt them. Maybe it hurts them because they love you so much and they gave so much of themselves for the development of their future. Me, I would never choose Porn Valley over a relationship with my parents and my family is probably more evangelical than yours. While your parents cannot accept some of your actions I bet they still love and pray for you wishing you would come home–not that you become morally perfect.
A relationship is a two way street. You have to give a little love and respect to get it–even with family. Start “returning” to your parents and you might see them open up.
A GREAT book on dealing with emotions related to this is “A Guide to Personal Happiness” by Albert Ellis.
“Maybe it hurts them because they love you so much and they gave so much of themselves for the development of their future. Me, I would never choose Porn Valley over a relationship with my parents and my family is probably more evangelical than yours”
That is true, you are right, but I found often in porn chicks that is a passive agressive motiff too, is like “you do not accept me of being a slut who loves sex, they I’m going to be slut in the most public way I can, I’ll will become a porn whore, a sucessfull one with lots of money (its fun how many porners equal money with acceptance, just looks at Chrissy) so my family will have to accept me as a slut, a sucessfull, rich and famouns slut.”
The problem with that is that it often DO NOT works like that.
The real result is the public humilliation of her family and in turn, that makes them cut all ties with the girl.
Is Angela is a sex addict and a slut, more power to her, she can have a civilian job and become a swinger or slut in private. By becoming a sex worker and a PW she is in fact humilliating her family, since they, good or bad are going to be judged as parents depending of how he daughter turns to be.
Looks, the parent of a honor roll student often proclaims that openly, the parent of a sucessfull sportman or soldier often keep photos of his child in uniform near.
I doubt that the average parent of a PW, even if not a evangelical minister, just a average Joe and Jane, will say to everyone, look, “my daughter is a sucessfull PW”, I’m so proud of her doing Throat gaggers 34, or There is a negro in my daughter 15 or Cum filled ashole oveload 4.”
Her daughter choice for a living most likely will fill them with anger, guilt and shame.
And in a subconsious way that wants the girl wanted to do by becoming a PW instead that just a regular sex addict slut. But in a conscious way the girl often becomes shocked when her parents disown her and stop talking to her.
The concept of “Humiliation” all has to do with perspective. Generally people choose to be humiliated – humiliation isn’t something that you can FORCE a person/people to feel.
I can understand your view Harvey, and I see how it’s typical – however just because it’s commonplace doesn’t make it rational.
Also I don’t believe that just because a PW may go on to become “successful” she’s necessarily doing it out of spite to show her parent’s they were wrong or do gain acceptance. Maybe she’s reaching for success simply for herself.
In general our society and the media has made it very easy and frighteningly acceptable for parents to “disown” their children for ANY behavior that is unconventional – it’s how our society keeps people in “check”.
Maybe Angela should consider the argument with her parents that they’ve “humiliated” her by their religious “fanatical” behavior which could be seen in certain circles as possibly “cultish” and take the stance that she’s disowning them.
But remember, in this case their parents did not choose Angela´s behavior. She did. If Angela chooses to become a Atheist, a Wiccan, a Buddhist or Roman Catholic or other things that her evangelical and it seems, very fundamentalist parents might find objetionable but not for the rest of society, is their choice to be humilliated for not tolerating diferent ways of thinking that most people might find normal, here Angela choose to be a PW, a way that most society fill find objetionable and most parents, secular or religious will find humilliating and will find themselves ashamed of their children.
In not trying to judge Angela´s choice, I
m trying to be realistic and not to sugarcoate things.
“Maybe Angela should consider the argument with her parents that they’ve “humiliated” her by their religious “fanatical” behavior which could be seen in certain circles as possibly “cultish” and take the stance that she’s disowning them.”
That could work for Angela if she hates her parents enough to ignore them for ever.
The problem is that she is not the type. I see that she does long for her parents love. I see that she even became a youth minister in her church to please their parents despite her repressed sex addiction poblems.
She is a prostitute in the Denver area. Just a whore who has no morals. No parent should be criticized for a deluded child. Shut up hooker!
“Harvey Says” :
“To my knowledge Jandi Linn perfectionist Asian family has not forgiven her for doing porn yet, and she has been out porn for more than a year.
When she wrote in her blog that she was being paid to ignore her mother´s tears and her father´s shame she mean it.”
I talked with Jandi Lin via facebook two months ago, she had a profile with a fake name but with her pics in it, She asked me didn’t tell anybody is she also she told me she is still having her own punish with her family for working in porn for a year, I really don’t know if she miss the porn life or not (She has a lot of her adult model pics in her profile) but reading her blog you can see she has not the parents forgiveness
“The girl I talked before have been so deep despair about making peace with her family again that she sometimes has thought of suicide.”
Let’s pray for her Harvey 😉 She is a very sweet girl.
Vicky says:
“It has been 6 years since that and we still barely speak, the relationship will never be what it was. To this day I have never met his wife or his 3 children.”
Life is strange…I have a very good friend working in porn in Spain, She lives with her mother and she knows that her daughter does porn and fucks for living and she approves it and that mom is not the unique in Spain I know, probably the concept of porn, family and freedom is very different in Europe.
“The girl I talked before have been so deep despair about making peace with her family again that she sometimes has thought of suicide.”
Even sadder Pepe, the girl Im talking about is not Jandi Lynn, but her situation is very similar. Like Jandi Lin she is from a socially conservative ethnic group.
I know the girl you are talking about is not Jandi Lin my friend, I guess I know from who you are talking about. I hope she is now in peace and enjoying life, She is young, sweet and pretty, she deserves a better life 😉
“Generally people choose to be humiliated – humiliation isn’t something that you can FORCE a person/people to feel.
I can understand your view Harvey, and I see how it’s typical – however just because it’s commonplace doesn’t make it rational. ”
-Yes people choose their behavior and emotions and no one can MAKE you feel ashamed or humiliated. That being said, not everyone believes that sex is just a biological act that means nothing. This brings me to my next point…
“Maybe Angela should consider the argument with her parents that they’ve “humiliated” her by their religious “fanatical” behavior which could be seen in certain circles as possibly “cultish” and take the stance that she’s disowning them.”
-Okay.
One. Who says Angela’s parents are “disowning” her? Just because they have no contact with her doesn’t remove her from their hearts and minds. It all comes back to that deep ethical question that Haddaway posed of “What is Love?”. Maybe, by not talking to her they are trying to demonstrate to her the magnitude of their hurt and the consequences of her actions. Maybe they are using their contact with her as a tool that would persuade her to quit porn because they fear for her future.
Two. Angela’s family’s beliefs and behavior are not fanatical. They believe in the Ten Commandments–what’s so fanatical about that? And BTW, every Christian denominational believes in a loving God but they also believe in good and evil and that God/Universe rewards people for doing good things and punishes them for doing bad things. The punishment could be unfortunate events on this Earth or punishment in the afterlife (or maybe both depending the denomination) but all (even lovey-dovey Unitarians) believe that bad things happen when you work against the Will of God/Universe. Besides, even if the parents were secular, its not unreasonable to expect that your daughter doesn’t star in movies like “Supersized Boobs and Butts” where people could treat her badly and call her names with derision like “what a slut” or “what a dumb whore” or where she could contract an incurable infection like herpes.
Three. When all is said and done you cannot easily change they way others think or the way others treat you. To demand that your parents MUST treat you a certain way is “musturbation” which is irrational and would lead to emotional distress. Aspen can just ride the emotions out and hope that her parents would eventually come around. They may, they may not. All Angela can do is control her OWN behavior.
Harvey, its refreshing to hear you support the concept of loyalty but I wish you were a PW. I’m all for expression of sex but sometimes PWs need to know that you CAN hurt people deeply by doing it and instead of dismissing their pain try to understand and let them express their anger or disappointment. Or maybe, if you really love them, repent and ask for forgiveness? I dunno. Where’s Shelley?!
Just the two cents of a fuck-up who let his parents down.
“probably the concept of porn, family and freedom is very different in Europe.”
Tell that to Katja Kassin…
All of this hypocrisy toward porn is par for the course no matter what continent you live, or background you came from.
Just look at someone like Jewel De’Nyle. At one point, she had her mother and stepfather HELPING her with her business/company (in the wake of her leaving Platinum X/Stefano). Then when her mother decided to do porn, they had a huge falling out that was only recently repaired.
Yet you have to wonder what planet you’re living on, when a daughter who has made a decent career from porn, and a mother who knew all about it and was so approving she helped her child profit from porn…only to then have a big blow up by the daughter over her mom doing porn!!!
Origen01, I-m making agree with your point too, the parts you are chritizing are quotations my Monica Foster.
“Yet you have to wonder what planet you’re living on, when a daughter who has made a decent career from porn, and a mother who knew all about it and was so approving she helped her child profit from porn…only to then have a big blow up by the daughter over her mom doing porn!!!”
Most PW are ashamed in private of what they do for a living even if they deny it in public.
Jewel Denial do not wanted her mom to become a PW.
And most PW who has daughters do not want their daughters to become PW.
“probably the concept of porn, family and freedom is very different in Europe.”
Secular Europeans are just as angry disappointed and ashamed when their daughert turn to be PW as religous Americans. They are just humans.
Please, when you make the decision to do a job that most people in society have disdain for, you know what you’re doing. Your family has to go to church, school, work, and everywhere in your town, while having everybody laughing and making comments about them. People who love their families should think about that BEFORE they do a lot of stuff, and I’m not just talking about porn here. I’m talking drugs(which I think should be legal) or anything else that effects everything your entire family does, regardless of whether it’s legal or sexual at all.
The fact that a lot of these girls have religious parents and families just proves that they’re going out of their way to spit in their parents’ faces.
You can love sex and sleep with as many people as possible, without doing porn. You could be as big of a whore as you want to be without making sure people all over the world watch it on the internet. You could be just like the millions of freaks around the world who have regular jobs and go to the club at night, hook up, and then go to church with their families on Sunday, without anyone knowing the wiser.
When you choose to not only to disrespect their morality, but to broadcast it everywhere, then you get what you deserve. If that’s being disowned, then that’s what you get. What do you think your religious family’s going to do? Celebrate being disrespected like that? When their friends raz them about seeing you be bukkaked or being reemed by some half-fag?
You’re lucky we’re not in the Middle East somewhere, or you’d be beheaded or something. So, they just “disown” you? Who cares? You made your decision. You chose porn over your family.
“Origen01, I-m making agree with your point too, the parts you are chritizing are quotations my Monica Foster.”
Oh Harvey, I agree with YOU 100%. I was addressing Monica but I was just saying to you that I wish you were a woman in the industry. A lot of PWs feel as if they can’t hurt anyone with their exhibitionism or promiscuity and anyone who feels hurt is a loser or a prude or an oppressive person. This is just plain mean and hurtful and a top reason most people look down on sex workers.
“A lot of PWs feel as if they can’t hurt anyone with their exhibitionism or promiscuity and anyone who feels hurt is a loser or a prude or an oppressive person.”
I talked to a pair and they are a clear example of cognitive dissonance. They on one hand confess they rather not be doing what they do for a living but feel unable to change, in the other hand they feel hurt when they families do not accept them as they are, as drunks, drug abusers who fuck strangers on video for a living or whem people call them sluts and whores, but in the other hand when you ask them if they want their children to live like them then say no.
Is like they know the problem with their actions and choices in one hand but cannot handle the emotional consequeces of their actions.
“Is like they know the problem with their actions and choices in one hand but cannot handle the emotional consequeces of their actions.”
Harvey…you could be talking about your typical politician, journalist, talkshow host, or auto mechanic!
Granted, the path to the greatest amount of happiness in this world is to have a job/career you love beyond all things…as it is no longer ‘work’ and you have no real reason to be ashamed of what you do (because it is what you love the most out of all occupations).
Yet it is the precise taboo nature of ‘sex work’ (from strippers to porn stars and all points inbetween) is what leads to so much angst and related emotional problems in many who are in said profession.
Few women in porn are going to be Nina Hartley — but on the other extreme, few are going to be Shelly Lubben’s latest victim. There’s really no answer to any of these questions or observations, beyond hoping that more women and men enter porn who won’t feel so ashamed each and every time they do a scene.