THANK YOU!
Current mood: focused
Category: Life
OK, this is it… I really wont be checking in for a while from here and on. I need to focus on my life and healing, I also need to go about how best to treat my substance abuse problem… I know the help is there and I am reaching out my hand… I know it’s either that or I lose my self. It is hard… addiction surfaces in many aspects… as you know attention is another one of my obvious addictions, though I bask in it and love it, I have to step away from the spot light for a moment.
It is shameful for me at times to say that I am still suffering from this, and though I have made sooooooooooo much progress from the first times I shared this "secret" with you, still I have much work to do.
I do not want to live in depression, I want to walk with my head held high, proud to know that I beat this malidy… I want nothing in my being that makes me feel like I want to die and there have been many a day that I have even asked God to remove me form this earth… You may ask "why?" and I don’t have a clear reason other than I have been hurt a lot in my life, it’s hard to trust people and for some reason God wants me to experience this lesson in this life time… I know he only bestowes us with stuff WE CAN handle…
I think this will be true test where I can really prove to my self that I can be a Wonder Woman…
I know many of you have tried to contact me lately, have reached out to me and I AM SO GRATEFUL, I know you’ve tried to call my last phone number, but it’s gone.
Today my focus is health, my love Danny, my dogs and mainly my connection to God…
I have even been distant with my family, yet I know they understand that it’s not because I don’t love them, they know my heart is always with them and what I wish for them and I… nothing but love, blessings, prosperity, health and togetherness…
It is sooo hard to let go of MySpace for a while… hehe I am addicted to all of you!haha….
LoveOnYa~
Your friend always,
Dealilah Kotero (Vaniity)
My son has been in a rehab for smoking pot, he started at age 14 because the State thought it would be a great idea to give him a medical marijuana license at 14. It sucks for him, my family placed him in an expensive rehab/counselling center, that my mother got from the state after winning a law suit. That teaches him how to deal with his problems in a constructive way, rather then a self distructive way.
People don’t think pots a drug, well pot is a drug and will distroy a persons life, just as well as any other drug. Just remember your not the only one who’s been down that road, its the people who never admit having a problem, that have problems.
I quit partying, its a waist of time and money and I really didn’t like the type of people I found myself hanging around. I’ll give you some advice don’t hang out with the people with the drugs, get rid of all your conections, get on a detox program of vitamins you can get from any gnc, go get help for your depression and prey. The road to being sober is a hard one. You’ll probably relapse a couple of times, but if you do just forgive yourself and start over.
I say this when I prey if I relapse: “thank you God for all the sober moments that you have allowed me to experience, I made a mistake and I forgive myself, I’ll try harder next time and I will try to say no.” Everybody who’s been addicted slips. But its not impossible to stay sobber but its not easy either. So don’t beat yourself up about a problem that many, many people have been touched by.
Oh the reason the state gave him the license is because he has HADD, his disorder has been one of the bigest heartbreaks of my life. You don’t want your kids to have learning disabilities. I always feel bad about it because he has to take rydlin…
It’s inforced in the school, because he will not graduate from High School and they can’t control him when he’s not on his meds and he can’t sit still long enough to learn anything.
But I’m suportive of him and we talk all the time, he hates rehab… I don’t blame him, but we as a family love my son and we realized he needed the intervention.
I am not one of those parents who says do whatever you want. I tell him maybe he should rethink what he’s about to do. But when you REALY love some one you think about their futures and what might happen to them if you don’t help them.
“Wonder WoMAN” is addicted to what? Does Janine know about Danny? All in all who cares? Maybe a call to Shelley Lubben is needed, they’re both connected to God…and I bet God is so proud. Is Lostbutterfly a relative of Sophia Mounds? Man the miscreants are out of late.
Lostbutterfly? Sounds like someone I know, were you a employee of Derek Hays, the Earl of Pimpwich?
If you are, shshshshhhhhh!
And contact me.
No do not contact me, you sound like Sophia Mounds. The handle and the Harmony Dust connection confused me. My Mystery girl you are not.
I don’t even know you, why all the HATE? WTF! Please spare me the B.S I obvously wouldn’t contact you if you beged me to. So blow a P.A.
That’s cool Ric. If I find out who you are or if you meet me, you can just forget me ever mentioning any porn or event or pic you’ve ever been in shot or done, I own the XXX World of porn another porn news site… A real threat to power craized guys with a chip on their shoulders.
I will be going to events, I will take pics and one day we will meet. And then you’ll feel bad for your F-d up asumptions that you have made about someone you have obviously never met. Press is good… To bad you won’t be getting any from me! Oh ya, you just assumed I was another dumb porn whore. To bad for you…
I do not go to porn events, and I do not plan to. Do do not worry, we will probably never meet. And no, you are not a dumb whore, you are a crazy one, that is very different. And crazy people are often unpredictable so its better to leave them alone. I let you alone if you were sitting next to me. Or posting here. So nice to meet you. And good luck.
You have never met me, and if I am crazy its from dealing with twits like you. Who don’t even know me, but belive the rants of mad men. So go F yourself. And I really hope you know what the F stands for, because you obviously are not smart enough to realize that people lie. So eat sand.
Why can’t my hair look like that? The softer look looks prettier on Vaniity.
I was born depressed. Took almost every prescription drug out there and nothing ever had an effect on me. I can’t sleep and it will probably be the death of me. Took Ambien twice and quickly stopped taking them. Have never taken hard drugs and now I know what it must be like. My clothes were moving and I was talking to them too. Started emptying out my drawers, tripped over a chair, and woke up in the morning naked in the floor.
Lostbutterfly, you are crazy. We all are. If someone says they’re not crazy, those are the people that are truly crazy! Embrace your craziness and be proud of it!!!
I was born depressed. Took almost every prescription drug out there and nothing ever had an effect on me. I can’t sleep and it will probably be the death of me. Took Ambien twice and quickly stopped taking them. Have never taken hard drugs and now I know what it must be like. My clothes were moving and I was talking to them too. Started emptying out my drawers, tripped over a chair, and woke up in the morning naked in the floor. I would probably be a happier, nicer person if I could sleep.
I can’t sleep and it will probably be the death of me. Took Ambien twice and quickly stopped taking them.
Lostbutterfly, you are crazy. We all are.
If someone says they’re not crazy, those are the people that are truly crazy!!
Embrace your craziness and be proud of it!!
I can’t post more than two sentences at a time?? I had more to say but would have to put them all sentence by sentence. 🙁
I don’t mind being called crazy, I just think that a crazier person then everyone who posts here, has made other people believe that I’m a crazed killer, like one of the Mansons or something. And I’ve lost potential storys, jobs and future friends over the “crazy-nonsense”, but I must be crazy to want to run a porn news site and deal with some of the REAL CRAZY people I have dealt with. So if your talking about me being a ballsy-all-out, no shit taking bitch, then you’re right I’m crazy.
It looks like Darrah and Sophia are paling up…
Maybe they have worked together in real life.
Darrah is crazy but in kind of fun crazy.
My Mystery girl is sad crazy.
Sophia is angry crazy.
Jayden James is annoying crazy.
There are different types of crazyness.
“I was born depressed. Took almost every prescription drug out there and nothing ever had an effect on me.”
Darrah, you sound so much like the PWs I know in private that is hard to believe you are not one of them.
I hope you are not self medicating as most of then saldy do. I hope you are talking to a real doctor.
I was beaten for 7 years who wouldn’t be angry, and the therapy they gave us in a battered womans shelter of kicking the shit out of a Snow Man did not help.
I admit I have a temper, and after everything I’ve been threw a therapist said that she couldn’t understand why I wasn’t a heroine junky. My anger has cost me jobs, relationships, friendships and money.
But it’s also kept me safe and kept me from getting riped off. And who wouldn’t be crazy, ever see the burning bed, well thats how bad it was. It changed me…
I’m not proude of my craziness, but it did keep me alive, and my father is helping me to learn how to stay calm. I misplaced my flatening Iron, I have big hair, I started yelling and screaming and jumping up and down because I couldn’t find it.
My dads like calm down relax and look again and you should find it. So I calmed down and found it, which really helped me when I lost my I.D this weekend. In the past I would have been jumping up and down. But I breathed and said, oh well I’ll get a new one.
But I have real reasons to be called crazy because somebody did this to me, so I don’t like hearing it, because I know its true.
Lostbutterfly is Sophia Mounds.
Darrah is not a performer nor an ex-performer. She is an emotional girl who wears her heart on her sleeve. Her blog is an emotional outlet. I’ve written things on my blog when I was deeply angered and triggered by a present event that triggered an emotional event from the past.
Darrah, are you sure you were born depressed or was the scene around your house ‘not fun’ (you know what I mean, you do not have to give details ever – ‘not fun’ covers stuff other than molestation and physical abuse, it is also stuff like emotional abuse and neglect) when you were growing up? Growing up in a ‘not fun’ house leaves people emotionally exhausted in adulthood and battling depression. That reaction is normal to endless days of ‘not fun’ things. Hugs. Ambien gives me a heachache, I wish I could get high off of it like everyone else. Try some sudafed to help you sleep. Don’t use benzos to sleep, it is too easy to grow a tolerance them. I once had a script for the best sleep aid ever, started with a ‘D’, but doctors are so tight fisted now with meds, you’d very likely not be able to get it if I could remember it.
Best of luck to her. She is numero uno in the TS world. Very much in demand and gorgeous. Glad she is taking care of herself.
But Darrah does know Fayner right? She denies that.
As expected she is in her mid to late twenties, of average build, not obese as the XPT what her to look neither skinny, olive skinned (possibly Italian), brown haired and caucasican. She can come to do porn.
Just kidding Darrah, but you seem to be OK looking. No need of a bag.
No I was never abused. Parents argued but so did all my friend’s parents. So I got off easy in that department.
Wore glasses since infanthood, had a speech problem too, and some health issues too. I was a fucking mess. So which means I had barely no friends. Kept quiet a lot at school and just wanted to be left alone. Worked on the speech problem and the health issues. Got contacts in high school. But still hated everyone and the world. Thought I was the only one. Many years later got a computer and looked online and realized I’m not alone and millions of others are worse off than I am. Which made me happy to know that I’m not the only one.
Feeling constantly alienated from one’s surroundings is stressful for a child and effects seratonin levels. Low childhood seratonin levels can cause adulthood depression.
Oh, I also don’t take the meds anymore. I thought what the hell for since it did nothing and why keep on medicating myself considering it could fuck me up even more in the long run if I kept on taking the meds which made me more depressed a lot of the time.
The meds don’t work for many people, but the pharmaceutical companies are in so tight with the government, they are allowed to poison people and doctors give out the meds like candy. I suffered two herniated discs, have mild scoliosis of the lower back (aggravated by the accident that causes the disc herniation), and sprained my neck. Could only get one week supply of an ineffective opiate (Darvon), but the doctor was happy to treat my anxiety and stress with multiple SSRIs.
Anti depressants are a troublesome mix. Getting the right does of the right medication for each individual is a arcane art and not a science.
Yep. I really would like to thank the pharma industry for the 50 extra pounds!
You gained weight because of your meds? My second-cousin gained lots of weight after all her medical problems and pills prescribed to her.
I take donuts for my depression….
Yes, I gained a ton. For some, like me, the pills stimulate the appetite. I couldn’t stop eating.