So You Wanna Get Into Porn Huh?!? Some Tips From Vicky Vette
Current mood: creative
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
So I get a deluge of mail and every day…. and at least one of the obligatory ‘how do I get into porn questions’ once or twice a day. Today, I open my mailbox and a fine young man sends me the following "Yo, Ms. Vette… can I ask you a question?" Unfortunately, and invariably, people that send me such a message, DO NOT ASK THE QUESTION. It is as if they either think they need to ask the Supreme Commander in Briefs of the Vette Nation permission to ask a question before they ask the question or they think I might write back….’no, why don’t you write your question tomorrow at 3.32 am now is not quite the time for me to consider it.’
So, after I wrote back the salutation ‘sure sweetie… what is on your mind’? I get back ‘Yo, Ms. Vette, du u fink I hav wot it takes to shoot porno wif u?’ I of course took out my handy ‘Turn Jibberish into English’ booklet and quickly translated this into: ‘Excuse me, Ms. Vette, do you think that I have sufficient qualifications to pursue the finer artform endeavors of a pornographic theatrical career’?
Now this is an appropriate question of a pornstar. I am not an agent, do not manage, and have only ‘handled’ talent on camera. So, unfortunately I can only give you some tips on how to get into adult and what to expect…. it is slightly different for men & women, so I address each separately….
WOMEN: want to get into porn? have a man videotape you having sex on camera, better yet, invite 5 or 6 of your friends over to watch you having sex on camera. Put it on the big screen. If one of the guys asks ‘hey, do you mind if I watch Sportscenter’ during the action… you might want to rethink your strategy. If you are hot enough and still have the desire to get into the action, send off your stuff to the agents in Los Angeles (they can be found by googling them under ‘guys who dress in black with slick hair in Los Angeles who hook up porn chicks’). Assuming you get such an ‘agency’ to represent you…. you can expect a lot of rejection such as ‘gee, starting at 23 is kind of old’, ‘you should really lose about 25 pounds’, ‘sorry but the pimple on your left butt cheek has to be lasered’, ‘have you ever thought about fluffing?’ or ‘do you know your left boob is slightly small?’ You can also expect to be asked to do things you would never have done in real life like two back to back double penetration scenes as your first shoots, or ‘how about a quick 15 person blow bang…. it will make you a star I promise…. you are perfect for the role.’ After about two months of every other day shoots, you will bleach your hair, ditch your high school sweet heart who moved to Los Angeles with you for ‘support’, make daily trips to the Beverly Center looking for the perfect sun glasses to project your superstardom now that your name is listed 5th on a boxcover called ‘First Time Projectiles getting Freaked On’. After six months, you will master the art of faking an orgasm, stop returning phone calls from your parents, and realize that you can avoid everyone by texting. After nine months, your best friends are all the other girls who moved to Los Angeles to pursue the same dream.
MEN: want to get into porn? Have your best male friend bring his video camera over and film you getting off with your girlfriend, wife or friend. Think I am kidding? Most ‘directors’ in porn are males…. can’t get off in front of men? Think that career choice over. Put your Peter North like performance up on the big screen and watch it with your friends…. if one of them says ‘where is the beef?’ or ‘when is the happy ending?’ (and that happened 15 minutes earlier)… you may want to take your resume back over to Walmart. Still think you have a weiner made for superstardom….send some pics and video over to an agent in Los Angeles…. preferably feature some pictures of your faces – not the pictures you sometimes send me asking for an opinion. If you are lucky enough to make the grade and get a role in a flick be prepared for the stress of: getting your freak on while being told….’can you hold that pose for the next 10 minutes and keep it up?’, ‘do you mind not grunting like a rhino while you do that?’, ‘the only lines are in the bathroom…. help yourself.’ Hopefully, you do not ruin your career with a failed performance with a top starlet (word gets around quick), and you can make enough rent to pay your share with three other people living in a one bedroom apartment in North Hollywood. After three months you start taking mass transit to work and spend every Saturday night at Sky Bar on Sunset Blvd., spending your spare cash talking to a girl that says she spent the day acting on the Young & the Restless (well really she made coffee for the cast of the Y&R that day, but who cares!) After six months, you grow your hair out, get a tattoo or three, and get suspended from your day job at Starbucks for being chronically late to the day shift starting at 10 am.
I make these jokes to point out only one thing….. it is NOT EASY, NOT ALWAYS FUN & NOT ALWAYS GLAMOUROUS. I got lucky. I sent in a picture to Hustler, won a competition, and was offered tons of jobs. But I was still asked to do things I did not want to do, was still told I was too old, and was subjected to tons of questionable working conditions. Would I say don’t pursue adult? Nope. If that is your dream… go for it. But go for it after you have thought it through…. it stays with you forever….. especially with the advent of the all powerful internet. Your images will be online for ‘enjoyment’ decades to come and don’t be surprised to be in the grocery store and someone comes up to you and says ‘Hey, didn’t I see you taking it up the a** in ‘A**l Warrior Infiltration Sluts 73? I have nothing but admiration for people who actually make it in adult. The work is not always easy and to last beyond six months is tough.