When Phone Sex Goes Wrong…

by Al Blanco 

I am a firm believer that of all the jack off aids available, phonesex reigns supreme. It’s probably the interaction factor. Watching porno makes you a spectator, but in phonesex you can be the quarterback, call the plays so to speak. This makes me think of a couple instances I have experienced in which I fumbled the plays and phonesex went to shit.

I have to preface this story by saying I strictly use phonesex when I am under the influence of alcohol or drugs. I can watch a big studio movie with the best special effects, however suspending my disbelief that I am only watching a blue screen is difficult for me. When you are wasted, you’ll believe anything you want to believe. Furthermore to the story, I don’t believe binge drinking is a group activity by definition. In fact, when one is compelled by life’s hardships to drown themselves in liquid sorrow, many times the only companion is simply the bottle.

So there I was, getting it in one night and everything was great. I had the music jacked up, I was singing along to all my favorites. In my mind I was waxing nostalgic about all sorts of shit. I was feelin good. Of course all good things come to an end, so I figured what better way to cap my intoxicated evening off than with a great bust.

I call my usual number, listen to the girl’s intros and come across one I would like to speak to. We get connected, and for some reason I begin to channel my inner "Bad Lieutenant."

Phone Sex Girl: Hello

Me: What’s up baby, what’s going on?

PSG: Nothing much, just feelin a little horny. What’s your name?

Me: Al. What do you look like baby, what do you have on bitch. My big ass cock is really fuckin hard, you like that huh, huh? I’m strokin that rock hard dick right now bitch.

PSG: Yeah baby, I like that. I’m 5’6 120 pounds, 36D-24-38, blond hair blue eyes.

Me: Suck that fuckin dick bitch, take that dick in your mouth you fuckin whore.

PSG: Okay, mmm I love that dick.

Me: You stupid bitch, don’t talk, suck that fuckin dick. I’ve got that dick you love, that dick you need. Suck that shit like you mean it you stupid fuckin bitch. Do it, get the fuckin cum out. I’m gonna squeeze all over you, you dirty fuckin slut. Bitch you don’t deserve a cock like this. Stupid bitch, I shouldn’t even let you suck this dick, you don’t know what you have in front of you, you dumb whore.

PSG: Fuck you, you drunk ass motherfucker! You don’t know how to talk to a woman, that’s probably why you need to call phonesex lines, you fuckin loser!

Okay, at this point I have an angel and a devil on my shoulder. The angel is saying, "Al, you probably did over do it. She’s a person, just tryin to make some money for herself. She could be someone’s wife or mother. She deserves at least a grain of respect. You would never treat a woman shitty like that in real life, so why this poor girl."

The devil was saying, " Fuck this bitch, I’m paying damn good money and this bitch is supposed to be a professional for Christ’s sake. Get some fuckin thicker skin. She does this for a living, and this sets her off? My luck, a phonesex bitch with self esteem? It’s not like I wanted her to be a 10 year old girl! Stupid bitch."

Well, and hopefully this reveals my true character, the angel won. Here I am apologizing to a phonesex operator, telling her I was out of line, and why don’t we start over. She took that as a sign of weakness of course, and used it as an opportunity to vent more on me. After a few minutes of feelin like a little kid that broke all the fine china in the house I realize, fuck I’m paying 2.99 a minute plus a one time connection surcharge of 4.99 to apologize to a fuckin phone sex operator?? Finally I say, I’m sorry, but fuck you if you can’t accept a sincere apology… you stupid dumb cum suckin whore. Click. I moved on to the next one, though it was decididly more vanilla after that.

Another time that phonesex went to shit is when I was talking to someone off a phone chat line. Those are good because they are filled with freaky ass women who are many times just as talented as the pros. Everything was going great. I was fucked up again, of course, because I never call these lines straight. I’m jerkin, jerkin, jerkin getting real close. Then all of a sudden the woman’s voice on the phone changes to that of a demonic, creepy, raspy man and very unmistakably at that. Here I am ready to fuckin bust, then the moaning sounds like Smoky the Bear caught me throwing out a cigarette in the woods. At first I’m like maybe this bitch needs to clear her throat, but after a few seconds I was like either this bitch was a man, or she put one on and hung that phone faster than we hung Saddam. That happening will forever creep the shit out of me.