An Open Letter To Luke

Conky posts on XPT:

Dear Luke, You and I have known each other many years, and in all that time I’ve never felt the need to perform an intervention of any sort, but the recent video of the hovel was the last straw.

Luke, as someone raised in the Christian faith, I applaud your attempt to live your life in the style of a religious zealot. The austerity of your surroundings, the rumors of lengthy sessions of self-flagellation, the denial of your body’s reproductive needs in the company of fallen women… it speaks to me. Loudly.

As a wannabe religious icon, your life must by necessity be filled with anguish, pain and misery. But I don’t want to talk about your website here. There are other more important things to consider. Wasn’t it Sebastian of Bethphage who so enraged the local Italian money lenders that they "beat him surely hard with sticks from the baseball and the stock of the flintlock with hath not yet been invented"? I think it was. Certainly is in my copy of the Bible, but I realize your Book is different and less of it is handwritten. I understand your need to emulate your heroes, but at what cost, Luke? At what cost?

After the wise prophet Thaloket of Negev took his own life, did his detractors not receive warnings from angels of the dangers they faced? Were those people not smitten with poverty, maimings and pubic lice? I think a bit of research on your part would prove that they were.

I recall a parable about Esau the Hairy Palmed, whose clumsiness and inability around women was legend. Did he not ultimately marry a roving nun named Shelley of Lubben? I think he did, Luke. I think he did.

When Hophny of Sidon waged war against the philanderers of the valley, was he not ultimately run from the area on a visa technicality and forced to seek succor and charity from the neighboring ruler of Soshalsekurite? I think he was.

History teaches us lessons, Luke. I hope you’re wise enough to heed them.

Your great friend, Conky