Porn Is Harmless, Right?

Ex-pornographer Donny Pauling posts on XXXChurch.com:

Last night I was sitting at my computer alone in my room. I decided to click on iTunes and listen to some music. My iCal is directly beside the icon for iTunes and I accidentally clicked it instead. I haven’t opened it for a long time. Since I was producing porn, to be exact. I now use Google Calendar instead.

In iCal I have a “to do’s” list. On that list is a “Model Callback List” where I used to write the name and number of all of the girls who’d call my newpaper ads. I’d also write down the names and numbers of referrals as well. There are literally hundreds of names on this list. I started scrolling through it.

A few of them popped out at me. I decided to type their names into MySpace search and see if I could find a profile for them. These particular names are girls with whom I had a pretty good rapport, almost a friendship, when they were working with me. I decided to tell them what’s happened in my life. I wanted to apologize to them for getting them involved in the adult business, regardless of whether or not they were upset about being involved. It just seems like the right thing to do.

The name of a model from more than 5 years ago popped up. She had a MySpace profile. I sent her a message and requested an add to her friends list. I wanted my first message to be light hearted and simple. And short. I’d apologize later. I wrote:

Hey _______ … How are ya?

This morning I woke up. Here was her reply (click here for the screenshot):

Hello Donny,

I’m sorry, but I can’t be your friend. People found out about the pictures I did and I came really close to killing myself over it. I need to forget about it and move on. That does not mean I blame you or anything, but that does mean I have to cut ties involving it, and that does involve you. You’re more than welcome to write me, etc…I just can’t have you on my friends list. I’m very sorry and hope you understand.

Thanks,

_____

All this girl did was pose for nude photos. She didn’t have sex with another person. She posed. For photos.

Earlier today I posted a very short version of this story on my personal blog. I then posted a myspace bulletin to invite some of those on my friend’s list to read it. That resulted in a discussion between me and an acquaintance of mine who used to hang out with me when I did work for Playboy. This girl asked:

When you look at this story, what contributed more to her nearly suicidal depression? The nude pictures she posed for or the judgmental assholes (her supposed freinds) who made her feel like less than dirt for doing it?

I have not spoken to this model to ask what made her want to kill herself. There are lots of possible scenarios, too numerous to think of.
———-

Let’s imagine one (this is based on something that really DID happen with another girl who modeled for me):

A girl is very close to her father. A pure daddy’s girl. She’s the apple of his eye. He dotes on her all her life. She goes to college and he’s proud as can be. He’s busting his buttons.

She meets a guy named Donny who offers her more money for a few hours work than she can make in 2 weeks at Starbucks, working lots and lots of hours. After thinking about it for several days, she goes for it.

Weeks later she’s home visiting her father. Something’s wrong but she doesn’t know what it might be. She can’t put a finger on it. Daddy says nothing.

What she doesn’t know is that one evening after daddy had put in a hard day of overtime, trying to make more money to pay for his baby’s schooling, he was ready to go home and relax in front of the TV with a cold beer in hand. But first he has to give his good friend a ride home.

He and his buddy are walking to the car and he notices something under the windshield wiper, left there by some anonymous person. He has no idea what it is, but he’s curious. As he picks it up, with his buddy looking over his shoulder, he realizes it’s his little girl. His amazing daughter. Smiling and wearing nothing, with her legs open and a porn site URL branded in between them.

He’s humiliated and his heart is broken, but he loves her and doesn’t want to tell her about it. He decides to let it pass, but he’s not a very good actor and his little girl knows something’s wrong. She asks her mom. Her mom tells her about the anonymous “gift”.

She feels so much shame. She let her father down. She embarassed him in front of his friend, and who knows who else? After all, nobody’s come forward to claim laying the photo on his windshield. For all she knows, her whole hometown has seen those photos.

It hurts her even worse to realize that he’s killing himself inside not wanting to talk to her about it. She knows he’s only doing so because he doesn’t want to embarrass her by making her look him in the eye if he were to confront her with it.

He has no idea that she is aware of what happened. Her heart breaks every time she sees him trying to pretend everything is okay.

She wants to die. How could she have disappointed him like this?

———-

I’m not saying that’s what’s happened in this case. But it has happened to models I’ve worked with. That, and worse (one girl even had the “honor” of her nudes posted on trees at the school she attended). And this isn’t the only model that’s contemplated suicide. One former model of mine actually attempted it. I was still in the industry and shrugged it off when someone told me about it. I figured, as did my MySpace messaging friend, that it was the problem of those in her life who are way too judgmental. It wasn’t MY problem.

But how long can an honest person keep that attitude? Seriously, now.

To the message sent to me by this model, I replied:

…I realize how much I was hurting people. I now travel and speak to people all across the country, hoping to make them see the realities of porn. Hoping to make them see that real lives are destroyed by it. Hoping to make them realize that it really isn’t something that is just harmless fun. I don’t want to take away anyone’s rights to consume it by any means, but I want them to see the full picture before they decide to do so. I want them to see that even if they are consumers of porn, they help destroy lives. Like yours.

Supply and demand: if there was no demand, you and I wouldn’t make money producing the supply.

I just wanted to tell you I am sorry. I never told you that. But I really am. I was very ignorant as to how much this hurt people. I thought of myself and my own agendas above you and the other girls we involved. Yes, you made your own choice, as did the others, but I put it out there for you to choose. I really am sorry _____.

She read the message but hasn’t replied. I can only hope she accepts my apology.

Who’s daughter are you looking at when you’re spanking it to porn? Who’s niece? Did she want to commit suicide after filming the scene you’re watching, or the photos you’re browsing?

God, I hope not.