Audrey Bitoni is gorgeous. She has been in the adult industry for two years. But she has never had an orgasm, on or off camera. She is currently on a feature dance tour around the country. But she can’t dance. Those are just a few of the ironic things about her. The best thing I found out about Audrey, is that she can make you laugh so hard you cry, or pee, or both. It’s hard to translate her sarcasm, tone and comic timing on the written page and for that I apologize, because she is truly the funniest porn star I have ever interviewed. I stopped writing (Laughs) after about the tenth one…
Interview By Cindi Loftus email@example.com
Photography by Chris Streams
©2009 Xcitement Magazine
Photography by Chris Streams
Interview by Cindi Loftus
Adult Fun: Born and raised in California?
Audrey: Yeah, Pasadena specifically.
AF: Is that why you don’t talk like a valley girl?
Audrey: I am totally, like from Pasadena.
AF: What were you like in high school?
Audrey: I was very normal. But what would everybody else think of me? Probably bitchy and stuck up but that’s not the case. I only had one good friend and I still do, who has been my best friend for ten years. I pretty much kept to myself.
AF: I would imagine that all the guys would be hitting on you all the time.
Audrey: Maybe that’s why the girls hated me.
AF: What kind of jobs did you have in high school?
Audrey: I started out at a sports bar/restaurant as a Hostess, and as soon as I was eighteen and old enough to serve alcohol I was a cocktail waitress, and I worked at the same place for four years.
AF: I bet you made a lot of money as a cocktail waitress.
Audrey: Yeah, I really did. My actual first job was as a lotion girl, because I was so eager to work, and the only place that would hire me at fifteen and a half was the lotion kiosk. I was one of the girls, except I wouldn’t approach anyone to try the lotion. I was one of the annoying people who stop you in the mall and say, “Got a minute?” I would sell a bottle of lotion for each digit of my telephone number. So I made a killing on commission. When a guy would approach me and say I was cute, can I have your number? And I would say for each bottle of lotion you buy I will give you a digit. So they would leave with a plethora of soaps and lotions and everything else. The boss would say “You’re good!”
AF: Okay, so the question is did you give them the right phone number?
Audrey: Ah, no. No refunds either on the lotion.
AF: I heard you jumped into porn. Knowing that you are an eager worker, how did that happen?
Audrey: It was a funny story. Me and my girlfriend had no ties or relations to porn. I had only scene one 1980 porn that belonged to my best friend’s dad, and everyone was hairy with big blown out hair. That didn’t make me think, oh I wanna be one of them. I thought eww I wanna shave these broads actually. (Laughs) I don’t know how it came up but me and my girlfriend were talking and I said, yeah I would do it. I was eighteen at that time, and I know that once you do it there is no turning back. You are online. So I gave it two years, and the idea came up again, and I thought if I would have done it when the idea first came up I would have had no regrets so I had pictures taken and we sent them to LA Direct and Derek called me. It was so fast from there that there was no turning back. Not saying that I would have, but literally I went to his office, went to go test at AIM and as soon as my test came back I started shooting.
AF: So now you have been in the industry for two years.
AF: Do you watch your own movies?
Audrey: Oh my gosh, no way. Once when I was on a Vivid set they were playing a movie that I had done previously and I was like, okay I still have to shoot my scene, so you guys better turn that off or I’m going to go to the bathroom, but it will really be the bathroom at my house!
AF: (Laughs) Why don’t you want to watch yourself?
Audrey: Because I would see cellulite city, rolls. The strip tease is the worst. I am the least sexy person. I am the most critical person. And if I have to do a scene after I would think I suck.
AF: You don’t suck. Well I mean sometimes you do. But not in a bad way.
AF: You are gorgeous.
Audrey: Thank you. Tell me more. Tell me more.
AF: You have beautiful breasts and gorgeous eyes, and pretty hair, and I don’t know anybody that wouldn’t do you.
Audrey: (Laughs) Thank you.
AF: Wait, let me pull up some of your pictures and I’ll talk dirty to you.
Audrey: Can you call me late at night and do that?
AF: I sure can, do you have a bottle of wine?
Audrey: I have candles.
AF: I’m looking at a picture of you right now in the bathtub, and just your face, your face is gorgeous. I could just look at your face, well that’s probably not what most people look at.
AF: What is your favorite scene that you ever did?
Audrey: It’s from the movie Vampiress, and it’s something that I don’t usually get to do. I am totally anti-anal, but if it’s somebody else’s butt I am the first to want to do them. I’m rude in that sense. If you touch me there, I will kick you. But if you give me the opportunity to do you I’ll be all over it. So my favorite scene was with Gina Lynn and Amber Rayne and I got to do them both in the booty. It was great. I was being all rough because I don’t know how feels, because it’s not my department of expertise. On their behalf I enjoyed myself highly. They are going to hate me after saying this.
AF: So you got to fuck Gina Lynn and Amber Rayne up the ass. So when are you going to give up your ass?
Audrey: Never. It’s just so not sexy to me. I mean a girl has had her tongue there and I didn’t hate it but I didn’t ask for that and I don’t want it again. No, not my thing. I don’t like it.
AF: Who was the best actor you ever worked with?
Audrey: Evan Stone by far. He is extremely amusing and I enjoy being intimate with him.
AF: Hey, have you ever done a guy up the ass?
Audrey: No. If there was someone that would let me I would be totally all over it.
AF: Wouldn’t that be fun to put a strap-on on and do that?
Audrey: I would make him cry. I’d be like this is for you because you think it’s okay to do every other girl this way. You think she likes it? No.
AF: Take this bitch! I don’t think Evan Stone would do anal. But I am sure you could find somebody else.
AF: Do you get recognized in public?
Audrey: I do. And most of the time it’s completely embarrassing because it is most frequently at the airport and after a five-hour flight I have makeup on one eye and there is dried drool on my face. And they will be like, “Are you Audrey?” And I’m like yeah, I guess, I don’t want to be right now. And they say, Oh, I am a big fan. And I say I don’t ever look like this except when I am confined to a tiny seat for the last five hours. It’s always at the most inopportune times. But I say yes, I am her, because there really is no use denying it.
AF: You could say, I’m her cousin, Audrey is much prettier. (laughs)
Audrey: (laughs) I could say, That skank? No, not her, sorry.
AF: You could say, I’m insulted, you think I have sex for money? I wouldn’t do that!
Audrey: God, I know. You think I would DO that? I’m on my way to volunteer at the hospital right now. I don’t even know what you are talking about!
AF: What is the funniest fan thing that ever happened to you?
Audrey: I write a blog, so I get all the e-mailed responses sent to my phone, and I get the funniest stuff. Some of it makes me cringe, but then it’s so amusing. Like “Audrey I love you, you are like an angel with a better body.” And I think, really, what does an angel’s body look like? Or I would give you my eyes.” And I think, there’s no need. I’ve got a working pair. I believe that you like me.
AF: (Laughing) Where is your blog so people can go read it?
Audrey: It’s on my website, AudreyBitoni.com.
AF: There are a lot of Audrey sites out there, and I wasn’t sure which one was really yours. So just your name is the one that’s really you. You are in Pennsylvania tonight to feature dance?
Audrey: Yes. But I cannot dance.
AF: So maybe you should call it feature entertaining, instead of feature dancing.
Audrey: I’m not even entertaining. I’m up there thinking, is this the longest song ever? Nine minutes feels like a life-time. And when I get off stage I think to myself, I have to do this two more times tonight?
AF: You are so sexy that you don’t have to dance, you can just strut around and strip your clothes off and then rub your boobs in someone’s face.
Audrey: I’m so not, there are no subtle movements. You are supposed to go A, B, C. I go A, C. I am dressed or I’m not.
AF: You need to take a strip dancing class.
Audrey: I’ve had lessons or coaching from Brooke Haven and Lexi L’Amour, and they tell me do this, copy me. And I say, I’m still going to pay you, but I am wasting your time and mine. So let’s both go home.
AF: (Giggling) I know you are saying some of this to make me laugh. You are really funny. I can’t stop cracking up. So here’s what you should do. Get a mic up on stage with you and tell the guys in the audience this stuff while you are doing it! You will have them all cracking up and throwing money.
Audrey: Someone that work’s in the LA Direct office (Fran) once told me I was more funny than sexy. I have no problem with that.
Second half of interview to come….