February 7, 2010, 8:59 PM
Super Bowl ReCap by B-Ho
Super Bowl Wrap-Up
by B-Ho
2/7/10
But you don’t want to read a straight recap article, do you? Let’s face it, if you have any interest in reading this then you obviously watched the game anyway. So let’s delve into the depraved mind of a man who likes football AND porn.
I bought all my feasting fare earlier in the week. I think it came out to 75 chicken wings, hot dogs, mac ‘n’ cheese, chips with 287 different kinds of dip, beer and soda. You know, basically barely enough food for three people.
But I got impatient. I cooked the food at around 1 p.m. because fuck waiting three more hours.
As for what led up to the game on my beautiful HDTV, I watched Puppy Bowl VI on Animal Planet. I would have called up some of my stoner friends to turn it on, because that shit must be hilarious in that state. Then I realized I don’t have any stoner friends. Actually, it’s pretty funny sober anyway. There was a Chug (Chihuahua-Pug) named Jake that was going ape shit for about 45 straight minutes.
Then the last, final, seriously-last-pre-game-show began. I pretended to pay attention, but it’s hard to do so when you are eating so voraciously that those around you think you are a velociraptor.
Right before the national anthem there was a commercial for a new movie. Looked pretty standard at first. Then the three most frightening words in cinema appeared on the screen: M. Night Shyamalan. This time the twist is that it will suck horrible, outrageous levels of ass. Did anyone see ‘The Happening’? You know your movie is a shitstorm when it is apparent that Mark Wahlberg could do better.
Excellent renditions of both patriotic hymns. But really all I could concentrate on was Carrie Underwood’s camel toe. Don’t judge me. And being one of the fighter pilots that flies overhead at sporting spectacles must have fun bringing that tidbit out at parties…
Conceited Fucktard: “So what do you do for a living?”
Awesome Fucking Jet Pilot: “I fly 400 mph while simultaneously giving the entire world goosebumps. Fuck. Off.”
The first half of the actual game was pretty boring, really. Nothing says ‘Biggest American Sporting Event’ like a sloppily-played 10-6 score at the half. But the halftime show featuring The Who was awesome. They are my favorite rock and roll band of all-time and I was very pleased with how good they (“they” meaning Roger and Pete) were. I hadn’t seen them in a while and I was really hoping they weren’t going to come out on Rascal scooters.
The obligatory halftime show with the commentators fighting over eight seconds of airtime like a goddamn hyena over a giraffe femur was especially embarrassing. I thought Bill Cowher was going to lean over to his left and punch Shannon Sharpe in the face with his chin.
Saints coach Sean Payton is dangerously crazy, but also the best kind. He is the same crazy as Boise State coach Chris Petersen who pulled out not only the hook and lateral but also the hallowed Statue of Liberty against Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl a few years back. Payton’s decision to onside kick was fucking badass. But it wouldn’t have worked without the flawless execution of the kicker. Sports fans live to see shit like that put into motion…unless you’re a Colts fan in this particular situation.
The Saints made the big plays at the end of the game and the Colts didn’t. Despite the victory (the first for the Saints) the big winner was actually the band Arcade Fire, who had their song “Wake Up” featured in at least five commercials during the game.
Speaking of the commercials, Jesus Ice-skating Christ were they terrible or what? I laughed at one commercial and one commercial only: the integration of the greatest five-second clip in internet history…the dramatic chipmunk (which is in actuality a prairie dog). Carmax gets a gold star for that one. Everyone else failed. Even E-Trade, whose usually irresistible talking baby commercials fell flat with this older, far less cute toddler taking over the role.
Finally, I’d like to send out a quick “fuck you” to Budweiser for making me cry like a bitch during the ad about the burgeoning friendship between a Clydesdale and steer. You made me feel feelings, Budweiser. I hope you can sleep at night. Fuckers.
And then New Orleans burned to the ground, but you can read all about that tomorrow in the paper.
















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Madelyne, formerly known as porn star Michelle Avanti, came to Pink Cross for help in January, 2009, when she cried out to God because she couldn’t live the porn lifestyle anymore. God heard her cry and she is now living a new life thanks to many of you who donated! She also gave birth to a beautiful baby girl in August, 2009, so please send in baby clothes in good condition for size 1 year and above. Madelyne also wants to attend beauty school and move closer to Shelley in Bakersfield where team members can help care for her and the baby. Please help Madelyne receive a second chance at life and give toward her schooling, baby expenses and living expenses! You may read Madelyn’s story here.
Nyesha, formerly known as porn star Mahlia Milian, came to Pink Cross for help in August. 2009, when she was living in a hotel room pregnant and trying to escape porn. Well, she DID escape porn and is living a new life now thanks to many of you who donated! She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl so please send in baby clothes in good condition for her size 1 year and above. Nyesha also needs help with rent and living expenses so please continue to donate so we can help her! Y
Amber, formerly known as Jessie Jewels, contacted Pink Cross in Novermber, 2009, for support and is living a brand new life in Jesus Christ! We are SO proud of her.
Ryan, formerly known as Trent Roe, contacted Shelley in November, 2007, for support and is living a brand new life in Jesus Christ! Ryan writes in his testimony, "Last Christmas I got a call from Shelley asking me for my address. She wanted to help me because I was having a difficult time and I was low on money for food. About 3 days later I got a package in the mail from a foundation named The Pink Cross Foundation. I opened it up wondering what the Pink Cross was and who this was from. It was from Shelley and her husband Garret and the people at Pink Cross. I got a BIBLE and some other books as well as a DVD named Traffic Control. There was also a gift card for the grocery store and Home Depot. I was floored!"
Diana, formerly known as Desi Foxx and her daughter, left porn in July 2009 and we were able to help them with rent, utilities, resources, carepackages and more. Diana loves the books we have sent her to help her walk closer to God in her recovery. Diana is also a powerful advocate against the abuse in the porn industry and writes powerful blogs exposing porn so we applaud her for standing up courageously against the porn industry! We are SO proud of her and her precious daughter.
Patrice formerly known as porn star Nadia Styles http://www.myspace.com/enternadia – Patrice contacted Pink Cross for help and left porn in December, 2008. We were able to reach out to her with mentorship, carepackages, resources, a place to live and she even got baptized! Patrice also joined Shelley and other former porn actresses at California State Capitol to testify against the abuse in the porn industry. We applaud her for her courage! Please watch her inspirational testimony here.
Julie formerly known as porn star Sierra Sinn
Amanda formerly known as Erin Moore, left porn in 2008 after realizing porn was destroying her life. She is a single Mommy of a percious baby boy who we were able to send baby clothes for, help her with rent, resources, carepackages, and more. We are very proud of how hard she has worked!
Jan formerly known as Elizabeth Rollings
Tammie formerly known as Tamra Toryn
April, formerly known as Ashley Brooks, http://www.myspace.com/nebula3g- April is a former porn actress who contacted Shelley in 2007 for support and is now a lead team member on Pink Cross Foundation and is recovering strong! April was recently ordained by Shelley in 2010 as a Chaplain to the porn industry.
Jenni, formerly known as Veronica Lain
Terri formerly known as Lyla Lei
Kristenye Riddick formerly known as Diamond
Karly, formerly known as Becca Brat, is a former porn actress who now has two year old baby daughter. Karly was the first women to come to Shelley for support and help. Update: Karly has a great job an is recovering strong thanks to you who donated. She also attended web design school! Thank you for caring about Karly. She sincerely appreciates your love and support!.jpg)