John Douglas Exposed

9/19/99

Talking Blue

Luke talked Sunday morning with John Douglas of Talking Blue.com, the unofficial shrink to l-keford.com.

Ultra indy@aol.com:    Hey, isn't this weekend one of those Jewish holidays where you aren't supposed to be doing anything after dark?
Luzdedos1:    soon, Sund night - Yom Kippur
Luzdedos1:    Good to hear from you. I am so discouraged. Another Jewish girl I adore and date has freaked out upon discovering my site.
Ultra indy:    Ah! So you are getting all your online sleazing out of the way now, I take it!
How are things?
Luzdedos1:    ok
Ultra indy:    Why do you choose such conflicting paths for yourself, Luke?
Ultra indy:    Choose: have cake, eat it.
Ultra indy:    One or the other.
Luzdedos1:    They are genuine reflections of me. And I prefer this way of making a living to the alternatives that I've experienced in the last few years.
Ultra indy:    As much as I am glad to have you around, it just doesn't seem to me that you are going to meet the girl that you wan't doing what you/we do.
Luzdedos1:    It only hits me every few weeks. This dilemma. The rest of the time I'm fine...
Luzdedos1:    Yes, I keep meeting great Jewish chicks and then this f---ing site comes up.

Ultra indy:    And it seems to be a higher priority to be married and have a family (for you) than to be involved with this industry.
Luzdedos1:    Yes oh f---, and it is almost Yom Kippur.
Luzdedos1:    That f---ing rabbi said exactly what I say to myself before I wreck people on my site.
Ultra indy:    Although I like to believe that there are women out there that can separate a person from the company they keep, it seems to me that they are even harder to find amongst the devout Jewish than the rest of the women that I have ever met.
Luzdedos1:    Yep
Ultra indy:    Sometimes I get this sense that you are a bit of a masochist and like to put yourself through these tribulations.
Ultra indy:    Just a hunch on my part.
Luzdedos1:    But I'm as disturbed by my rabbi... I usually tell myself, they're immoral porners, they deserve it.
You're probably right.
Ultra indy:    I guess it is part of your martyrdom.
Luzdedos1:    lol

Ultra indy:    I thought you came out here to be an actor?
Ultra indy:    Have you given up on that?
Ultra indy:    Not that legit Hollywood is an less sleazy than the porn world.
Luzdedos1:    True, no I plan to go back... Thinking of doing it when I get my credit cards down to zero. I am $9000 away.
Ultra indy:    At least you could mix with Jewish chicks and you would still have the villainous scum around for you to bash!
Luzdedos1:    This Jewish chick last night was the kick in the pants that I needed. I need to save my money and pursue something else. Porno is f---ing killing me.
Ultra indy:    If someone else doesn't do it first.

Luzdedos1:    It's not porno that is killing me, it is killing me the way I am doing it, with my other Jewish lifestyle, etc...
Ultra indy:    I wish I had more of my old connections that I could hook you up with.
Ultra indy:    Yes, you are your own crown of thorns, it seems.
Ultra indy:    I lost contact with many of my old film connections a few years ago.
Luzdedos1:    I hope if I can achieve some acting success, then perhaps the notoriety can boost media coverage which would boost my acting/mainstream career.

Ultra indy:    Although if I were thinking, I should have called you this last week when we did a shoot at the studios.
Luzdedos1:    What sort of shoot?
Ultra indy:    After all, Stephen Spieldberg was there and you could have rubbed shoulders with him.
Ultra indy:    A film shoot for a new attraction that we are putting up in Japan.
Ultra indy:    He was the host. We shot him on Monday.
Luzdedos1:    wow, the King of the Jews
Luzdedos1:    How are things with you?
Ultra indy:    It's not a cinema movie, but at least your face would have been on a big screen for several years, day in, day out.
Ultra indy:    Okay.

Luzdedos1:    I showed my homeopathic doctor that hilarious Norman Bates comparison you did on me.
Ultra indy:    Although I turned 32 a few days ago and need to get my annual physical.
Luzdedos1:    That was great, almost as good as what Mike Albo did to me in the Nov. HEVG.
Ultra indy:    Oh yeah? What did he say about it?
Luzdedos1:    She, she smiled.
Ultra indy:    If you have some time during the week, you should come down to my work and we can go up to the Psycho house and get your picture in front of it.
Ultra indy:    Last week when I was by it, I thought of you and the comparison.
Ultra indy:    And work on your best Norman Bates look.
Luzdedos1:    What should I wear?
Luzdedos1:    A suit?
Ultra indy:    You mean to tell me that you own something other than that gray suit and red tie?
Ultra indy:    I assumed that you had a whole closet full of them!
Luzdedos1:    Yeah, two other ragged suits
Ultra indy:    Wear whatever you like.
Luzdedos1:    What did Bates wear?
Ultra indy:    His mother's clothing.
Ultra indy:    Although I wouldn't suggest it.
Luzdedos1:    LOL
Ultra indy:    I would have to double check with my notes, but I think that he just wore a shirt and slacks.
Luzdedos1:    Can I quote this, aside from your phone number?
Ultra indy:    And a tweed jacket, I think.
Ultra indy:    Wait, let me check what I have said first.
Ultra indy:    Lest my words come back to haunt me.

Luzdedos1:    I usually like to bring NAMBLA children along for my photo shoots, hope that is ok.
Ultra indy:    If not, I am sure we can have someone in the props department come up with a very realistic looking little boy for you.
Ultra indy:  Or kidnap one from the studio tour.
Ultra indy: Once it gets out that I work at a legit movie studio, I am gonna start getting calls from Jeremy Steele and Ron Jeremy asking me to hook them up.

Ultra indy: It's bad enough that I got Ronnie into a grade B movie that a friend of mine was directing and he brings it up all the time.
Ultra indy: I tried to get him on to a show that I used to write for, but the Japanese investors immediately recognized his head shot and nixed the idea. I thought this was a little odd since porn that would have Ron Jeremy in it would be illegal in their country and yet, they still recognized him. Luzdedos1: Ron is like God, everywhere and universally recognized.
Ultra indy: We have went out to dinner a number of times and had our conversations routinely interrupted by fans of his that come over. He even went with me to a wrap party for a film that I had worked on and the producers of the film wouldn't leave him alone. The star of the movie, Jason Priestly, didn't appreciate Ronnie upstaging him however. He stormed out of the party when the producers spent more time at our table that Jason's.

Luzdedos1:    Are you guys making porno yet?
Ultra indy:    We are trying to put something together.
Ultra indy:    We just got our kick ass editing system and are learing the ins and outs of it.
Ultra indy:    But the price of talent is killing us.
Ultra indy:    Not having much luck getting who we want for prices we can afford.
Ultra indy:    We were hoping to shoot next month, but may push it back a bit.
Ultra indy:    Know any girls, semi-cute or better, that are looking for work and can work with us on her rate?
Ultra indy:    We have gotten some interest from a few of the girls that we know real well, since they know the type of project would we likely do.
Ultra indy:    And have worked out deals with some of the girls to pay them plus offer them other incentives to offset the costs a little.
Ultra indy:    A few of the girls said they would come down to meet our rates if we threw in some editing for them. Fan club videos and such, y'know.
Ultra indy:    Which will work out pretty good for us.
Ultra indy:    How did you do the one that you did years ago?
Luzdedos1:    hmmm
Ultra indy:    Did you finance that out of your own pocket?
Luzdedos1:    Can't wait to get to see you guys naked
Ultra indy:    Don't hold your breath on that one.
Luzdedos1:    Factory paid me $4000 upfront.
Ultra indy:    Not on camera anyway.
Ultra indy:    And you were able to turn out a feature length video for that amount?
Ultra indy:    That is pretty much what we have to spend on ours, after laying out the money that we did for our editing system.
Ultra indy:    Since we already own cameras and lights, all we really have to worry about is paying the talent.

Luzdedos1:    My video sucked, in a bad way.
Ultra indy:    I have never seen it, but always wanted to.
Ultra indy:    Just to see what sort of porn you would do.
Ultra indy:    What was wrong with it?
Luzdedos1:    I didn't know what I was doing. I'll lend you a copy. If I could make porn, I would make gangbangs. I love them. Lots of facials.
Ultra indy:    Ick.
Ultra indy:    Lovely.
Luzdedos1:    I love to see beautiful women degraded, struggling with all that male power and sperm.
Luzdedos1:    Getting really f---ed good.
Ultra indy:    As much as it would get me slagged, I am much more partial to the stuff that Vivid and Wicked does.
Luzdedos1:    My favorite video is Never Say Never To Rocco Siffredi.
Ultra indy:    The mamby pamby couples videos.
Ultra indy:    You have issues, Luke.
Ultra indy:    In my expert, personal psychoanalytical opinion, of course.
Luzdedos1:    Just cuz I like to see a woman take 20 cum shots in the face until she's joking on seed?

Ultra indy:    Hmmm, now that I think about it, you know who you would look like if you put on a big, stupid cowboy hat?
Ultra indy:    Max H.
Luzdedos1:    He's the greatest porner
Ultra indy:    And your secret identity, no doubt.
Ultra indy:    Well, if I do get to do the porn feature that I want to do, you would do a pal a favor and do a cameo in it, wouldn't ya?
Luzdedos1:    I'd luv to
Ultra indy:    You can play the rabbi.
Luzdedos1:    :)
Ultra indy:    Put the big beard and long sideburns on you and the skull cap.
Ultra indy:    Yarmukle, I guess is the correct term, right?
Luzdedos1:    yes
Luzdedos1:    So long as I can make the bitches beg
Ultra indy:    Of course.
Ultra indy:    Geez, I just thought of another Tony Perkins role that you remind me of, Luke.

Luzdedos1:    I am meeting so many groovy chicks, the problem is that they eventually discover my website.
Luzdedos1:    I've f---ed four chicks in the last few months.
Ultra indy:    Did you ever see the movie Crimes of Passion with Kathleen Turner.
Luzdedos1:    Yes, that is me!
Ultra indy:    That is you in a nutshell, my friend.
Luzdedos1:    Sinful whores, f--- you!
Ultra indy:    I can see you keeping a big mason jar of your jism so that you could one day baptize some dirty whore with your congealed seed.
Luzdedos1:    How d'ya know I was doing that?
Ultra indy:    And the part about the silver, bladed dildo (Superman), I can see you having one of those things, too.
Ultra indy:    You are sicker than all the others that you report on,... combined!
Ultra indy:    Yet we still love you, Luke.
Luzdedos1:    Shhh, don't tell anyone.

Ultra indy:    When the Tribe kicks you out of the Temple, you know that we will still be here for you.
Luzdedos1:    I love how porn always open its heart and legs to me.
Ultra indy:    Yes, well I don't know if I would consider myself porn personified, but I get your point.
Ultra indy:    Although I am not quite so easy to get into bed.
Ultra indy:    Kind of like a male NJG.
Ultra indy:    Except I got bigger boobs.
Ultra indy:    And I don't have a castration complex, either.
Luzdedos1:    Would you like to threeway NJG with me?
Ultra indy:    Nah, NJG is definitely not my type.
Ultra indy:    You and me, sure. But not her.
Ultra indy:    :)
Luzdedos1:    just over the phone
Ultra indy:    She and I wouldn't get along, I think.

Luzdedos1:    You just can't handle women who think.
Ultra indy:    Not only do I take issue with most of what she has to say (on your site, anyway) she seems kind of boorish to me.
Ultra indy:    Not true at all.
Ultra indy:    I like thinking women.
Ultra indy:    But someone with that sort of grudge against men isn't the type I engage in conversations with.
Ultra indy:    My ex-girlfriend of five years was that way and it drove me up the wall.
Luzdedos1:    Haven you ever raped anyone?
Luzdedos1:    Or do you have rape fantasies?
Ultra indy:    Worse than living with a paranoid conspiracy theorist.
Ultra indy:    No.
Ultra indy:    No raping for me.
Ultra indy:    I'm the latin lover type.
Ultra indy:    Don't need to slap my women around to get a boner.
Luzdedos1:    strange
Ultra indy:    You on the other hand.....
Ultra indy:    I might get a chubby from bitch slapping you around.
Ultra indy:    And something tells me that you probably would get a jolly from being bitch slapped around by a big guy like me.
Ultra indy:    Am I right?
Ultra indy:    You Aussies are all the same.

Ultra indy:    So when you go out with these girls, are your conversations always so serious and about things like religion and your hangups?
Ultra indy:    I would offer to double date with you, but I get this feeling that you would be gloom and doom and ruin any chances I might have with my date, as well.
Luzdedos1:    yes
Ultra indy:    So, chicken or egg?
Ultra indy:    Were you so guilt-ridden that you became Jewish.
Ultra indy:    Or did you become Jewish, then develop all your neurosis?
Luzdedos1:    NO, chicks dig talking with me, it's my f---ing site that horrifies them.
Luzdedos1:    I've always been neurotic/guilty and simply followed that to its logical conclusion.
Ultra indy:    What do you talk about with them, other than religion?
Ultra indy:    You remind me of my best friend that I grew up with.
Ultra indy:    He manages to stir all conversations with women into really dark, weird areas.

Luzdedos1:    I talk to them about them, their life... What I've been reading, my thoughts on life. Gangbangs and bestiality.
I am an excellent conversationalist.
Ultra indy:    I know you are.
Ultra indy:    And you are quite the charmer, I can tell.
Ultra indy:    But it seems that you are always talking about such heavy things.
Luzdedos1:    I am, but I don't want to be slapped around by you or anyone. I don't like physical pain. I just like being melancholy, conflicted and self absorbed.

Ultra indy: Although I have sometimes taken issue with the way you treat the industry, I really think that you are one of the most important voices that this industry has ever seen.
Ultra indy:    And your take on things would be of interest to people that watch our show.
Ultra indy:    And I figure that if we can nab you up the way that we nabbed Jenna to do our show, then that would be another major coup for us.
Luzdedos1:    sorta like the margold megabyte?
Ultra indy:    And I know it would piss off Paul Fishbein no end.
Luzdedos1:    You could do the same with me. I'm just an entertainer.
Luzdedos1:    Yes, what a bonus!
Ultra indy:    One of the only times that Fishbein has ever spoken to me was to tell me that he watched the show and liked it, except for the fact that we let Bill be on it.
Ultra indy:    I told him that if he wanted a spot on the show to rebut anything Bill said, that he could have it, but he never took me up on the offer.

Ultra indy:    I think it would really rile up some people, us having you on the show on a regular basis.
Ultra indy:    Margold would not be happy with us.
Ultra indy:    And my favoritest of all the porn actresses would bitch me out no end for cavorting with you.
Ultra indy:    But it would be worth it.
Luzdedos1:    Jenna?
Ultra indy:    Shyla Foxxx.
Ultra indy:    I think Jenna likes you a lot, actually.
Luzdedos1:    Oh, she's awesome, luv her body
Ultra indy:    I love Shyla to death, but I try not to bring up your name around her when I see or talk with her.
Ultra indy:    I think you got to her early on and made a lasting impression.
Luzdedos1:    She handled me so stupidly. I would've taken stuff down for her, then she stopped taking my calls and instead went with a lawyer to threaten me. Really stupid.
Ultra indy:    I told her that, too. Unfortunately, it was after the fact.
Ultra indy:    But, God love her, she has a fiery temper and has a tendency to fly off the hook at times.
Ultra indy:    She nearly clocked me one night while I was driving us back to my house for trying to get her to calm down.
Ultra indy:    Scared the s--- out of me.
Ultra indy:    I just let her cry and scream and get it out of her system.
Ultra indy:    Ten minutes later she was a different person. But its just one of those things about her that I like. The hot latin blood I guess.

Ultra indy:    Kind of like the thing you have for Jewish fraus.
Ultra indy:    Except it is the kvetching that really turns you on, I guess.
Ultra indy:    Man, is it tough trying to read the transcriptions of your conversations with NJG on your site.
Luzdedos1:    Really, are they boring?
Ultra indy:    I eventually have to just jump to the end of it.
Ultra indy:    Not boring, just weird to have it there alongside the other stuff you report on.
Ultra indy:    I guess a better description would be uncomfortable.
Luzdedos1:    Hmm, thanks for that feedback.
Ultra indy:    Just a half-baked opinion.
Luzdedos1:    i get lots of negative feedback on her,
Ultra indy:    You must have your reasons for including it, though.
Luzdedos1:    I and others find her amusing and interesting.

Luzdedos1:    Did you like the Andrea Dworkin quotes?
Ultra indy:    Dworkin is psycho and you making the comparisons between the two is often obvious but funny.
Luzdedos1:    True
Ultra indy:    The odd thing about the conversations is that it seems more telling of you than her.
Ultra indy:    I think that you show your dark side in those conversations more than anywhere else in your writings.
Ultra indy:    And you seem to be almost wearing it like a badge when you run it on the site.
Ultra indy:    Which makes me think "Why is Luke doing this?"
Ultra indy:    Is he trying to warn people about him?
Luzdedos1:    wow, you mean the way I prey on her vulnerabilities and traumae?
Ultra indy:    Yeah.
Ultra indy:    I think it is funny (sort of), but it surely comes off very mean spirited.
Luzdedos1:    How did you like the threeway I did with her and my future wife?
Ultra indy:    And most people would never portray themselves that way on such a forum, especially one that they control.

Luzdedos1:    Did you read it or just find it too aggravating and skip it.
Ultra indy:    Which makes me wonder what your motives are for doing it.
Ultra indy:    I skimmed it, too.
Luzdedos1:    Always trying to come up with something sensational and gripping, get people buzzing.
Ultra indy:    Again, it was akin to having your bio in the middle of your news column.
Luzdedos1:    Do you think that sort of stuff discourages more readers and brings more readers to my site? That's my bottom line.
Luzdedos1:    or brings
Ultra indy:    No, not really.
Ultra indy:    And I think that you know that, too.
Luzdedos1:    yes
Ultra indy:    Which again makes me wonder what your motives are.
Ultra indy:    You yourself said that you get a lot of hate mail about it.
Ultra indy:    And yet, you take great pleasure in continuing to run it.
Luzdedos1:    true
Ultra indy:    As if you were intentionally trying to piss off your readers.
Luzdedos1:    true
Ultra indy:    Which is very interesting, even if I don't understand it.

Luzdedos1:    I think since I quit therapy in July, I've been doing that more. Cause I don't have therapy now to talk about myself.
Ultra indy:    The closest thing that I can figure, although it isn't a very deep analysis, is that "there is no such thing as bad attention".
Luzdedos1:    I fear you are right.
Ultra indy:    Did you get picked on much when you were young?
Luzdedos1:    alot
Ultra indy:    And I am not trying to be an asshole or glib about it.
Ultra indy:    You don't suppose that you are lashing out in anger still, do you?
Luzdedos1:    I am sure I am.
Ultra indy:    It's funny the way that we all deal with that sort of thing.
Ultra indy:    I myself was picked on a lot when I was growing up.
Ultra indy:    And also had that rage thing for a long time.
Ultra indy:    Although it still rears its ugly head from time to time, it doesn't seem to consume me much any more.
Luzdedos1:    how old are you?
Ultra indy:    32 and a week. Just a year younger than you.

Luzdedos1:    I could just go straight back to giving people what they want on my front page...but I am not comfortable doing that.
Ultra indy:    I guess one of the big differences between us is that I have two family members who also have rage issues and I saw what it has done to them, which forced me to come to terms with it, somewhat.
Ultra indy:    I don't think you should bend to their will either.
Luzdedos1:    I don't want to run away... I want to sit still in my confusion and gradually change different things and see what happens.
Ultra indy:    That is part of your site's charm, the non-conformity.
Ultra indy:    But I often see that you take great pleasure in antagonizing.
Luzdedos1:    It is true, like my dad.
Ultra indy:    And I see a lot of myself in that.
Ultra indy:    Your dad has that problem, too?
Luzdedos1:    Yes, bigtime, he got thrown out of his church in 1980.
Ultra indy:    I guess so.
Luzdedos1:    A controversial Christian theologian and evangelist.

Ultra indy:    You do realize that before you are going to be able to settle down with a woman that you are going to have to overcome that combativeness.
Ultra indy:    You are going to make her life a living hell, otherwise.
Luzdedos1:    I just have to be able to channel it appropriately. In person I am very docile, and with women, because I channel all my aggression into my site.
Luzdedos1:    When I am done with my site, I am exhausted, and bereft of aggression. I just want to make nice, kiss kiss. Probably similar to Howard Stern.
Ultra indy:    Like that friend I was telling you about earlier, he loves to engage dates in what to everyone else looks like arguements, but he sees as thought-provoking debates.
Luzdedos1:    I don't argue with anyone in person, very rarely. Rarely with dates too... I only argue for work, my site.

Ultra indy:    Yeah, but Stern also knows that he has to play that part to be successful and because of that, he pushes his own buttons to put himself into that frame of thought.
Ultra indy:    You seem to have no problem tapping into that part of yourself on a daily basis.
Luzdedos1:    true
Ultra indy: Do you think that you are trying to escape the shadow of your father?
Luzdedos1: In part, but I think there are bigger drives pushing me. Do the personal sections of my front page feel like looking at a car wreck?
Ultra indy: Sometimes.
Luzdedos1: Yes, they frighten people, me as well at times.
Ultra indy: I mostly find myself glimpsing at it as I might try to catch a glimpse of a really nasty car accident.

Luzdedos1: What do you think of the stuff by Krash, who does the Luke F-rd Wire Services stuff. I think you can tell his style. It's very different from mine. I don't get much feedback on Krash's stuff. People mainly want porn star news and gossip, everything else is just gravy.
Ultra indy: The wire service stuff is okay, but you can tell it is not really you.
Ultra indy: The best stuff is when you go tilting the windmill that is AVN. Or start s--- with others that are stuffed shirts.
Luzdedos1: LOL, but I don't think that most people care about the AVN stuff...yes, to the stuffed shirts, when I get people going ballistic. Like Stuttering John.
Ultra indy: In a more intelligent manner. No one in the world can do that like you do that.
Luzdedos1: Thanks. yeah. That is what I am best at... Suckering people into revealing their true bigoted stuffy selves.
Ultra indy: Occassionally XXX will write a piece...that is Luke-like and I will re-write it since I know that it is such a lame imitation of you, that XXX would be embarassing himself to try and cop it.
Ultra indy: That isn't entirely it. You overly simplify it. You really make these people think about the things that they say.
Ultra indy: Hell, even I am cautious about what I might say around you, and I don't have much to fear.

Luzdedos1: Yes, I should go back to doing more interviews... Sometimes I can really get people to open up.
Ultra indy: Your stuff on AVN and the porn companies are the absolute best.
Luzdedos1: Did you like my Sin City riff Fri?
Ultra indy: Yes. That was great. In the beginning, you seemed to rip into the performers a lot, as if you blamed them for immorality of the business. Which I thought was a little unfair. When you go after the people that really run the business, then I tend to see your point more clearly. After all, they really are the ones pulling the strings.
Luzdedos1: True, I made a deliberate switch as you outlined.
Ultra indy: Made your arguements seem more valid, anyway. It is amazing, though, the power you wield over this industry.
Luzdedos1: Yes, and more humane. David Sturman and Paul Fishbein and Steve Hirsch are able to defend themselves. I lost my stomach going after Stevie and Vivid. I felt I was becoming unethical, hitting below the belt... So I apologized and moved on. After burning another f---ing bridge.

Ultra indy: Even though I have been watching you since you were just a minor thorn in the side of the industry, it still perplexes me how the hell you got to be so damn influential. No one in this biz ever got to Hirsch, except you. How the f--- does that happen?
Luzdedos1: I have a gift for driving people ballistic, for feeling out their vulnerable points and then pushing them.
Ultra indy: Hitting below the belt or no, I think the fact that this man finally has someone that he has to answer to is a good thing.
Luzdedos1: I have done good and bad.
Ultra indy: Does one cancel out the other?
Luzdedos1: It can...the key is which one wins.
Luzdedos1: Craig Vasiloff says to tell you that he's listening to our conversation.
Ultra indy: If you do enough good that you cancel out all the rotten things you have done, then I guess you can say that you are making ammends.
Ultra indy: Oh great. Since he likes the fact that you piss people off, he probably doesn't like the fact that I am trying to get you to be a nice guy.
Luzdedos1: John, hundreds of people have tried to do that already
Ultra indy: Yeah, but you gotta remember, I have a little bit of experience with exorcising demons.

Luzdedos1: My mom thinks I need an exorcist. Perhaps you could cast out my demons on Talking Blue?
Ultra indy: Unfortunately the show is only a half hour long. That much expurging would probably fill a whole season's worth of shows.
Ultra indy: I can put you in touch with the people doing Exorcist 4, however. You might be of interest to them.
Ultra indy: But I gotta admit, you really got the scoop on me there. There is more about myself than I have ever confessed to in anything I have ever written for public consumption.
Luzdedos1: Thanks...now if i can only get you to humiliate yourself... :)
Ultra indy: You mean even more humiliating than admitting that I spent hours talking to you?!?
Ultra indy: I lead a pretty straight life, your not likely to get any real dirt on me, I am afraid.
Ultra indy: I wish you would. That would mean that I was getting to do something a little more exciting than I normally would.

Luzdedos1: what are yo doing up at this hour? you don't have yom kippur to have a bad conscience about
Ultra indy: About the time of my birthday I started developing migraine headaches. I started taking medication for it yesterday, and as it turns out, one of the side effects of it is that it keeps you up for hours and hours. I guess it is loaded with caffeine or something like it. But if you really want to get some embarassing dirt on me, you can set me up with one of your many porn starlet friends. After I f--- her, I will snitch myself off to you. You can even twist around the facts so that it appears that I am abusing my position to get sex off the girls in exchange for whatever.
Luzdedos1: When the chicks find out that you are UP for hours and hours, they will flock you...
Ultra indy: You know, I never heard back from your friend Kitten Natividad. I guess you left a bad taste in her mouth towards porn reporters (figuratively and literally).
Ultra indy: The chance of me ever showing my little shriveled dick on camera are about as likely as you getting to write for Hustler Erotic Video Guide. I wonder if any of the Pat Riley's in the world are going to point out that at one point, early in his career, Jon Dough went by the stage name John Douglas.
Ultra indy: I just emailed my mother and told her that I made your [porn star] list! She is going to be so proud.
Luzdedos1: she will be thrilled
Ultra indy: My mom is just twisted enough to find that pretty funny actually.
Ultra indy: I told her yes, before I realized that she was asking me if I was going to f--- in it.
Ultra indy: She asked me tonight if I was going to be in this porn movie that we are thinking of doing. Luzdedos1: Are you?
Ultra indy: No way. I have just about the smallest weiner that you have ever seen, dude.
Ultra indy: If I had a big, porno guy dick, then I would. I wouldn't even care about my fat gut or flabby body.