|
Today "Chaim Amalek" is a quiet New Yorker in good standing living in middle class obscurity on Manhattan's famed Upper West Side. Neither his manner of dress, appearance, nor his mien indicate that he is anything other than a typical Upper West Sider. He buys his bagels at H&H Bagels, his pastrami at Zabars, and his books at Barnes and Noble. He occasionally attends lectures at Columbia or the New School, and looks forward to the day when Hilary Clinton is his senator, people of color are no longer oppressed, and abortion is free for those who need it. Yet in the early 1980's, Chaim (working under a professional name that I have promised not to reveal) achieved a brief but intense level of fame among the elite of porn for his artistic vision and skill, and on both sides of the camera. Chaim was a victim of his own success. So effective was his work with the starlets of the day, that each film was thought to be the zenith of what could be achieved with her, a standard that could never be equaled, let alone surpassed. Consequently, every woman he chose to work with felt no point in continuing in the field and retired. Very quickly, Chaim began depleting the pool of desirable actresses and suppressing demand, as his few films were sufficient for the libraries of all but the most jaded and dissolute of viewers. This state of affairs was very troubling to the forces then (and now) in control of porn, who made it very clear that he could either retire to obscurity or to the bottom of the East River. Chaim chose the former. Today, he is an occasional contributor to the Luke F-rd website, offering Luke his spiritual guidance on issues that every Jew must contend with in life. 8/27/99 Luke, I have been following your web site for about a year, and have come across your writings on Usenet sporadically for a bit longer than that (e.g., on SCJ [soc.culture.jewish]) as well. I suppose the internal conflict that your writing telegraphs appeals to me. For those born to the faith no less than for those who choose it, Judaism can be a very difficult religion to follow, one that we would long since have abandoned for one of the more popular brands of faith if only they did not have so many of Judaism's internal contradictions and many of its theological weaknesses. It is fascinating watching a true outsider like you try to make his way in what is a very insular faith. I am no Rabbi. I am not even much of a believer or respecter of tradition, but I am not so stubborn as to fail to recognize within Judaism a few core beliefs and rules that all people, jew or not, believer or not, professional journalist or not, SHOULD follow. One of these is the prohibition against "lashon hora", or evil speech - in other words, empty GOSSIP. I do not care if you choose to honor the Sabbath or not, for whatever the harm in your choice, it accrues only to you. And I do not give a damn if you choose to wear garments made of linen and wool or not (did you know that doing so is a sin in normative Judaism?). But when you print unsubstantiated or pointless assertions of loathsome behavior, assertions that are inherently harmful to others, you are implicitly mocking the faith that you claim to embrace. If you cannot embrace this basic moral prohibition, why bother with the rest of Judaism? Wouldn't you be happier joining the rest of the secular herd, and never look back (except perhaps, to snicker)? Your web site alas, provides all too many instances of lashon hora. Most recently, you printed assertions that a famous man, recently deceased, was a bisexual. Of course, you have no proof that he was, and his death forever precludes him from answering the accusation. Nevertheless, the assertions you printed have already jumped from your web site to Usenet to Deja.com, where they are now part of the permanent Usenet archive of this era. I have no doubt that these assertions will disseminate further, until they reach the eyes and ears of the general public, who have a genuine weakness for this sort of thing. (Yes, I concede that I too, have a weakness for reading bad things about famous people, the more loathsome the better. That's bad, but not in the same ball park as broadcasting such stuff to the world.) Now it may be that I have misread your writings, and that what I took to be a sincerely repeated allegation of moral turpitude is nothing more than your idea of parody or satire. If that's the case, then I urge you to take some writing classes or at least provide some graphical indication to your readers warning them of when you do not intend for your work to be taken at face value. Both your lack of skill as a satirist, and the often genuinely peculiar behavior of the people you usually write about combine to make it very difficult to tell when you are being satirical. Of course, it may be that you are a damn near brilliant satirist, whose putative "conversion" to Judaism is just part of the joke. If that is the case, then you are the only one who has gotten it, and you are engaging in a form of masturbation far more intense than any practiced by the people who buy the dirty movies produced by the industry you critique. Finally, I have a question for you. If you could not write about the masturbatory cinema, what would you do with your life? Would it be better or worse than it is, and if you feel that it would be better, why don't you just make the switch to the alternate path right now? Best wishes for a good new year. 10/10/99 Luke, thanks for running that list of jewish overlords. If I told you that I was on that list, who would you guess that I am? (Mind you, I am not saying that I AM on that list . . .) I think you should contact its originator and tell him to add the names of some of the more prominent JOP, along with a few quotes from "My Struggle," to give it all some deeper historical perspective. One of the more controversial things happening in NY of late is an exhibit at the Brooklyn Academy of Art (a publicly funded museum) entitled "Sensation." This collection of British Gentile art includes the usual (for New York) severed cow's heads, sectioned animal parts, buzzing flies (literally true) and such. But what really has the goat of the Christ worshipping bigots of New York is that one of the works is a representation of the Virgin Mary, covered in elephant dung, and decorated with pornographic photos of naked women. While some jews (e.g., the editorial board of the Jewish Forward, a must-read for you) have condemed the exhibit (which our gentile mayor has tried to shut down), most of the noisy, secular cultural elites of New York have come to its defense. All of this has been amply reported in the press. Also reported, to a lesser degree, is the fact that the collection in question is owned by the Satchi's of London (not sure of the spelling). The Satchi's are, I believe, two jewish brothers who have made a mint in advertising, using images of beautiful shiksas to sell goods of marginal worth mostly to dumb goyim. The Saatchi's are also concerned with jewish "continuity", and forked out big bucks to establish a "hip, edgy" place in London for precious 20-30 something jews and jewesses to meet, network, exchange business cards and otherwise engage in jewish mating rituals. As it happens, just last week, as the controversy over the Saatchi's anti-catholic exhibit was peaking in New York, a new Center for Jewish life opened on west 67th street on the heavily jewish upper west side. This place is part night club, performance space, coffee shop etc. for jews and jews ONLY. Again, the idea is to provide Chosen people in their 20's and 30's with the chance to mingle in the hope that they will actually marry and have jewish kids. Needless to say, the Jewish faith is treated with the utmost respect in this space. And who paid for it? Yup, the Saatchi family. I wonder, Luke, suppose that instead of smearing s--- and pasting dirty pictures of naked ladies onto a depiction of the Virgin Mary, someone had thought to do this to a page taken from a torah scroll. The reaction of jews would be deafening, would it not? Tens of thousands of hassidim would take to the streets and storm any museum that dared to show such antisemitic filth. And the press as a whole would back them up and permit no contrary point of view to be heard, since it is controlled by jews, either directly, or through their control over advertising revenue. (Most of the big retailers in NY are in jewish hands, and it is they who, through their advertising budgets, constitute the economic backbone of the press.) Or let us take it one step further. Suppose instead of desecrating a page of the torah, the "artists" had chosen to smear s--- onto a page of the Holy Koran. Result? Blood in the streets. I mention all of this simply to illustrate a few things that you can see with your own eyes that the press chooses not to connect. Here is a jewish family, using some of its money to insult one religion (Christianity) in one part of town, and using some more money to build cohesion among jews and respect for another religion - judaism - in another. Now as a jew, I am glad that the goyim are a dumb, passive lot, capable neither of understanding the insult nor of reacting in an intelligent, disciplined manner to it. If it were up to me and if I were Catholic, I would instantly agitate among christian believers for a few thousand of us to gather in front of that place on west 67th street with plackards, calling upon jews to join us in condeming the Saatchi family for having insulted the world's most popular religion. (Antisemitic slogans would NOT be permited!) But as I said, the goyim are too dumb to do this. I wonder, could it be that goyim are genetically predisposed to do whatever we jews tell them to do? Consider the record. They make this jew jesus into a god the son of god, who they nonetheless insist is One God0, which is ridiculous on its face. Then millions of them believed all that crap the jew Marx told them. They meekly permit some of us to defile their daughters in the manufacture pornography, which we sell right back to them! And, of course, they eagerly give their money to Hollywood and Madison Avenue. Is there no limit to their stupidity? PS - Perhaps in your next career you can become the next Jewish Messiah that the goyim follow, freeing the dumb goyim from the clutches of the jews. "FOLLOW MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!" Several weeks ago, I expressed my squeamishness about having the following posted to your web site. Given recent events, the time has come to put my vanity aside for the greater good of humanity. You may publish the following, and attribute it to An Important Correspondant from the East who, while Jewish, is not in porn: Mr. Ford, I think I know where you are headed in life. Now, that is a pretty bold thing to say, and somewhat disconcerting to hear even from a close friend, let alone from someone whom you have never spoken to, let alone met. But I cannot help but hear fate calling you, Mr. Ford. It is your destiny, as a Jew, to identify and root out corruption in society, particularly as it arises from jews. The particular corruption you have fixated on is porn, and you attempt to fight certain aspects of it by exposing its seamy underbelly on your web site. Unfortunately, your present efforts can have little, if any, effect, especially since you also rely on these same people for an important part of your social life. No, if an attack is to be mounted on porn, it will require other and better tools than a web site frequented mostly by hard-core wankers and industry folk. I have discovered in the law some tools that can be employed in your struggle to free (mostly) christian girls from the diseased clutches of (mostly) swarthy jewish porners (it will work against gentile porners, too). First, a little history. 1. In 1969, while visiting Fort Detrick, President Nixon foreswore American involvement in biological warfare research and development. Within a few years, the United States and virtually all other nations had signed on to the Biological and Toxin Weapons Convention (BWC). This international treaty, which has the force of law in this country, commands that the signatories will “never in any circumstances develop, produce, stockpile, or otherwise acquire or retain any biological weapons." 2. Several decades ago, the United States permitted a number of black men who were infected with syphilis to be observed as the disease progressed, never telling them that they were infected with a curable disease (the infamous Tuskegee Study). 3. During the 1950's and 60's, the CIA, through its MK-ULTRA program, experimented with dangerous drugs (e.g. LSD) on unsuspecting American citizens. Hence, notwithstanding point (1), points 2 and 3 show that our government is capable of doing some pretty nasty things. 4. Porn starlets are not the only life forms on the planet to have sex with other species. Strains of bacteria and viruses as different from each other as women are from dogs can, if placed in physical proximity to one another, exchange genes (the process is called conjugation in bacteria). This can give rise to especially potent hybridized pathogens. Now let's stand back and take this all in. The BWC prevents our government from mixing and matching genes from among the various diseases common to humans in an attempt to develop new strains of germs. But does not porn provide another way of doing just that, perhaps even deadlier than in vitro lab experiments, since it directly uses as its petri dishes the very species - humans - who are the final target of such work? You see, every time two human beings have sex, they exchange not just semen, but a large complement of whatever microbial life is in or on their bodies. Some of this exchange can be prevented by the use of condoms, but much of it cannot. This is not much of a problem for normal people who have few sex partners, but among those whose profession requires sex with hundreds of random partners, the possibilities for indigenous microbes to swap genes with other microbes and create a super pathogen rise exponentially. In view of the BWC, our government presumably does not carry on biowarfare research in labs. But what if our government, in violation of the BWC, is using the sexual practices of porn people to surruptitiously develop new strains of disease? Who knows, perhaps the purveyors of porn and the industry supported VD clinics of Southern California are in on it, the former paying christian girls to submit to behavior of the type in which gene swapping can occur, and the latter acquiring cultures of these pathogens resulting from this behavior for further study by bioweaponeers -all under the banner of industry safety. I am not saying that they are or are not, just that it is an interesting idea that paranoid minds would have hit upon sooner or later anyway. If the porners are so involved, they are in violation of the Biological Warfare Convention, which has the force of law in this country. It should be possible for someone who is connected to the industry (you) to investigate these serious matters further and, if he finds sufficient proof, to make this accusation and insist that, as a direct consequence of the terms of this treaty, porn involving the exchange of bodily fluids (at least) be banned. You could be that someone, Luke! All the shameful things that you have done in recent years would be washed away by the cleansing power of fame. Indeed, you would become a world famous internet journalist, the very first to win a Pulitzer Prize for self-published journalism. Your parents would be proud of you, and both your income and your social prospects with powerful jews in the world of journalism and Hollywood (to say nothing of their daughters) would rise. 10/27/99 Chaim Amalek writes Luke about his troubles: Luke: It appears that that N Tielbalm (?) does not understand that you did not choose the name "Luke F-rd," but that it was chosen for you by your parents. Anyway, lots of jews choose gentile-sounding names for their kids over say, Mendel Phlemovitz, but that does not make them any less jewish. (My name would give me trouble in the Jewish community too, except that the typical American Jew is too ignorant of torah to know why.) As far as your putative antisemitism, I again note that Joohoo has no problem mentioning such luminaries as Marx (whose ideology claimed tens of millions of lives this century) or Annie Sprinkle, porn chick. Or what about Howard Stern, an avowed atheist who even denies that he is jewish (Stern often tells his listeners that his mother is catholic, which, as he knows, would make him a goy if it were true)? There is no rationale for claiming the very wealthy Howard Stern as a jew but not you save the RACIAL. Clearly his problem with you is racial, not theological, with perhaps a bit of shame that as a working man, you are not a proper role model for the jews. All I can say to comfort you over this rejection is that his kind are destined for the dust bin of history. One or two more generations, and they are finished in this hemisphere. Regarding your Mike Albo situation, keep up the drumbeat. Just be sure that when you have that final confrontation, it is captured on video (better get at least two cameras rolling), and that it takes place at a place having great symbolic meaning to jews that will escape Albo. Oy, the money you stand to make over this! Later, Chaim Amalek writes: Luke, you need to get serious about life. If you want American Jews to start treating you as one of their own, you will have to start acting like them in certain critical ways. For starters, you need to hook up with an aggressive, angry California lawyer (I think a black or hispanic lawyer would be great, although there is a case for choosing a jewish lesbian, too). Someone with a pile of chips on his shoulder who will sue all of your enemies on your behalf for some miserly contingency fee. Once you establish such a relationship (and your Albo situtation may be the honey that attracts such a lawyer in the first place), you need to develop a proper list of enemies to sue. Start by considering everyone with money who has ever slighted you or threatened you (angry Mike Albo gets you rich Larry Flynt). Sue Yahoo over the emotional distress you experience over not being acknowledged a jew. Hire a publicist from the ranks of publicist wannabees glad to work for free. Organize your minions into followers. By the way, I see NJG and fellow San Franciscan Annie Sprinkle as a natural followers of yours, the Trotsky to your Lenin who will do your bidding and recruit loads of followers from among the lost souls of San Francisco. Maybe you could promise to cure lesbianism by turning the disaffected women of the Bay area (I do not mean you, NJG!) into the mothers of the next generation of your followers. Also, try to look more like an hassidic jew. Grow a beard and buy a long black overcoat and felt hat, just like they wore in 18th century Poland. Get some really long stick-on side locks until yours grow in. Wear some glasses that look very dated. Learn a bit of yiddish. Offer porners classes in Kaballa. Wear a talit gadol on cool winter days. (By the way, I saw some weird gentile fundamentalist on cable a few days back who does all of this, but seems to be some sort of christian, although I am not sure of this. A really spooky sight.) Where is all of this heading, Luke? You know it as well as I do. What if you really are the Moshiach, the Messiah so many jews have been waiting for? Well, if you are, then do not fight it! Sure your first followers will be from among the dregs of humanity (appologies to NJG), so what? Jesus wasn't too picky about who HIS associates were (very much unlike much of American Jewry). In time Luke, if you are The One, even the Mike Albos will come around to worship at your feet. There will literally be no limit to what you can do in life if you are He. And I will help you fulfill your destiny, Luke. All I ask is that you give me 10% off the top. 10/12/99 Luke, do pornmediamoguls ever offer you bribes to kill/slant/plant stories? If so, what is the going rate? And assuming that, so far, they have not, all of your readers will want to know the following: How much cold, hard cash must Luke F-rd be paid in order to kill a story? I think you could do a far better job of leveraging your web site. You need to set up that 900 number, be more aggressive in selling link space, offer porn queen trading cards and the like. Bribes too. You seem not to realize that there now is a Luke F-rd brand of web site; it should be both trademarked and pushed into the e-world. Think of the chotchkes you could sell! Not just the usual stuff like underwear, but the esoteric, too. How about air that has been expelled from the lungs of porn stars? Door knobs and other household hardware that they have touched? (Cross brand with Home-Depot?) Are you musically inclined? What's the difference - record a song, and have porn concerts! Or what about Luke as the emprassario (too lazy to look it up) of porn conventions? These would be just like star trek conventions (with many of the same people showing up), only for the porn world. The Luke F-rd brand could make you MILLIONS! If you are willing to split the take, I will manage it all for you so that you would be free to spend all of your time on your rabbinical studies, away from the temptations of the flesh. Hell, if the split is favorable, I will even go so far as to write all the stories and manage all the bribes. And don't worry that I might cheat you out of your share. I am honest - honest! Ha Rav Ha Goan HAHAHA AMALEK 10/19/99 Luke, I forgot a few useful details. As soon as Albo starts to beat you, you should grab him, call him a fairy (under your breath, but loud enough for him to hear) and then fall to the ground in a fetal position with the yellow star of David showing to the video camera. You must then recite the Shma (the Jewish equivalent to "There is but one God and his name is Allah" of the muslims) loud enough for the camera to pick it up, and you should then loudly cry out in a weeping voice, "Why, or Lord, Why again, Why here, Why now ..... why hast thou forsaken your child?" And remember to do this where I suggested. Good luck! Just remember - Larry Flynt is a rich man, and the less money to his name, the less chance he will have to degrade America with his porn! PS - I admire you Luke! You are really making your own opportunities in life. Now be sure to follow through! PPS to Larry Flynt: If Luke starts causing you more trouble than you can handle, let me know and I will try to convince Luke to start a yeshiva in China or North Korea. While the price to get me to do this is high and entails more than cash, I suspect that you can meet it. Luke, if you Alpo really has you spooked and you do not want to take a beating for riches, you should save all of his terroristic threats and take them to the local police/FBI (assuming you can work an interstate porn angle into it). You might even be able to sue Hustler without taking a beating. Who knows? Regarding the newly single Howard Stern, this was inevitable. With the example of fellow Long Island Jew Comedy Millionaire Jerry Seinfeld living just a few blocks away on the upper west side, dating teen dreams and living it up, what was there to keep Stern in his marriage? By the way, tell Kendra to forget it. A high-I.Q. jewish millionaire like Stern ain't gonna fool around with the likes of her - no way. He will be doing legit models and actresses of his class. (Damn, I envy that guy!) 10/26 Luke: It appears that that N Tielbalm (?) does not understand that you did not choose the name "Luke F-rd," but that it was chosen for you by your parents. Anyway, lots of jews choose gentile-sounding names for their kids over say, Mendel Phlemovitz, but that does not make them any less jewish. (My name would give me trouble in the Jewish community too, except that the typical American Jew is too ignorant of torah to know why.) As far as your putative antisemitism, I again note that Joohoo has no problem mentioning such luminaries as Marx (whose ideology claimed tens of millions of lives this century) or Annie Sprinkle, porn chick. Or what about Howard Stern, an avowed atheist who even denies that he is jewish (Stern often tells his listeners that his mother is catholic, which, as he knows, would make him a goy if it were true)? There is no rationale for claiming the very wealthy Howard Stern as a jew but not you save the RACIAL. Clearly his problem with you is racial, not theological, with perhaps a bit of shame that as a working man, you are not a proper role model for the jews. All I can say to comfort you over this rejection is that his kind are destined for the dust bin of history. One or two more generations, and they are finished in this hemisphere. Luke, you need to get serious about life. If you want American Jews to start treating you as one of their own, you will have to start acting like them in certain critical ways. For starters, you need to hook up with an aggressive, angry California lawyer (I think a black or hispanic lawyer would be great, although there is a case for choosing a jewish lesbian, too). Someone with a pile of chips on his shoulder who will sue all of your enemies on your behalf for some miserly contingency fee. Once you establish such a relationship (and your Albo situtation may be the honey that attracts such a lawyer in the first place), you need to develop a proper list of enemies to sue. Start by considering everyone with money who has ever slighted you or threatened you (angry Mike Albo gets you rich Larry Flynt). Sue Yahoo over the emotional distress you experience over not being acknowledged a jew. Hire a publicist from the ranks of publicist wannabees glad to work for free. Organize your minions into followers. (By the way, I see NJG and fellow San Franciscan Annie Sprinkle as a natural followers of yours, the Trotsky to your Lenin who will do your bidding and recruit loads of followers from among the lost souls of San Francisco. Maybe you could promise to cure lesbianism by turning the disaffected women of the Bay area (I do not mean you, NJG!) into the mothers of the next generation of your followers.) 11/6/99 Chaim writes: One of the benefits of living in New York is getting to pick the brains of a whole lot of very bright people, some of whom publish their work so that others who do not live here can see it. If and when I move away from here, it is the one thing I will miss the most (even more than the pastrami). Phillip Weiss of the New York Observer has a very interesting, and lengthy, analysis of New York Jews that rings very true. He begins by noting that Jews in this country are NOT like the goyim, in major part because they are much less religious and much better schooled than the goyim. Consequently, there is an emphasis on material success that many find odious. As a Manhattanite, I can vouch for the veracity of much of the essay, which you can read at www.observer.com (click on the article by Phillip Weiss about Seinfeld and bagels). Is Los Angeles Jewry substantially different (I would guess not)? Luke: No. Chaim: PS I do not mean to dis your life's work, but the more I read the pissy stuff on your web site that various porners hurl each other's way, the more convinced I become that the only valid reason for having anything to do with the world of porn, even as a journalist, is to get laid. Otherwise, what is the point? Luke: The point is to make money (should gross about $50k this year). I have more freedom and more income than at alternative occupations. Chaim "Money Bags" Amalek responds: Ok, I can see that (you doing this for money). Especially if in addition to getting $$$$$ you get to meet women like that Swedish chick (Linda Thoren?) in the deal. Luke: True, she's a sweetie. And smart. Chaim: Yeah, I can see that. Sure, this arrangement hurts your prospects with Jewish women in LA, but how much of a loss is that? Do you really expect to marry a jewish woman out there? Luke: Yes I do. I've met about 40 Jewish women out here in the last five years that I'd marry, but none of them will marry me. But they are getting older and more desperate. And with that biological clock ticking, perhaps one will take a chance on me. I was in shul Saturday morning. And as they were bringing out the Torah and passing it around the congregation, I told a female acquaintance of mine that I wanted to get married (not necessarily to her). She replied, 'you'll have to lose that website.' Gotta love it when the truth hits you like a revelation from Mt. Sinai. Chaim the Jew: Meanwhile, please keep up the good work of pissing off the LA jewish establishment. PS I understand that you are the unofficial biographer of Dennis Prager. He is going to give a talk at the famed 92nd Street Y in Manhattan sometime soon. Do you want me to ask him a question on your behalf, perhaps prefacing it with the full identification of its source? Luke: Ask him what he's done with the tens of thousands of dollars (including my $500) donated to the Micah Center For Ethical Monotheism (aside from making that 20-minute video on goodness which sells for $800). But don't mention my name. Chaim: PPS In addition to the money and the social prospects, do you find that hanging out with or writing about porn people is, on average, an ego boost? It must be hard to feel small around many of the people you encounter on a daily basis as you do your work. How often do you find yourself with feelings of superiority as a result of dealing with porners? Is your job, on average, an ego boost? Luke: Yes definitely. I generally feel morally superior to most (but not all, Russ Hampshire, Paul Fishbein, David Sturman leave me in the dust) porners. I have an extremely fragile sense of self, combined with a huge need for grandiosity, or at least to believe that I am the greatest at what I do, and there's no other profession I know of yet, aside from porn journalism, where I could make that claim to myself and believe it. Chaim, do you think that l-keford.com is immoral and destructive or am I shining a light on immorality? A light unto the nations, as it were? Chaim writes: Well, yes, in a way you are shining light on immorality, at least some of the time. The flesh trade inevitably entails that some rather nasty acts done be done by some very nasty people that are not often remarked upon by the straight press, and but for your work, would never come to light. On the other hand, some of the stuff you publish clearly is there just to attract the hits and generate income for you. (And what would that 900 number cost?) And you pay taxes on all of this? (DO NOT ANSWER THAT ONE!) Luke: I do pay taxes on it all. And I pay $1200 yearly dues to my shul. Chaim: OK - here is a test question. Suppose you meet a knock-out healthy all-natural babe, either never in porn or not so far in that she cannot be pulled out by Rabbi Luke (indulge this common fantasy as it unwinds for the moment). Let's pretent that she is that young, fertile, blonde, smart Swedish woman. You save her. She ADORES you, and wants to have your babies and be your loyal obediant wife for all time. No more porn for her. The problem is, she feels that JESUS has blessed her by sending you to her for her temporal salvation, and you are a Jew - so Jewish, in fact, that you would prefer to do what most western jews do not - marry a jew. What do you do? 1. Steadfastly reject her love, and continue to hope that someday you attract the approval of a racial jew who maybe does not even believe in god, even if she must first age and lose both her looks and much of her fertility before she gives you a second glance? 2. Follow the example set by Abraham and Moses and Spielberg, and take this shiksa as your beloved wife? 3. Pray that the God that failed to answer the prayers of 6,000,000 of your chosen coreligionists when they were offered up with much greater urgency will answer YOUR prayers, and soften the hearts of one of the Jews of LA? 4. ? Luke: Numbers three and four. I would not marry a secular Jewess and I would not marry anyone who believed in Jesus as anything more than a carpenter. 11/14/99 Luke Speaks To Skeptics Luke will be speaking on his book "A History of X" Sunday morning, December 19, in West Los Angeles at The Center for Inquiry-West. It is the West Coast headquarters for CSICOP (Committee for the Scientific Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal) publisher of Skeptical Inquirer magazine, and the Council for Secular Humanism, publisher of Free Inquiry magazine. www.cfiwest.org. Porn star Chaim Amalek (formerly married to porner Cindy Plenum) writes from New York: "First off, congratulations on being selected to speak before CSICOP. While I presently prefer The Skeptic to The Skeptical Inquirer, I am very impressed. I used to go to CSICOP meetings. This is easily the most impressive bit of Luke F-rd news to appear on your web site since I first became aware of it, easily beating knowing any porner for increasing your intellectual stature. Seriously, you should Kvell (yiddish for "brag") about this to all of the jewish men at your temple that you want to date. (You ARE still gay, aren't you?) "Finally, about the porn star stuff. I was amazed that you did not pick up on this before. You knew that I was a New Yorker, one of the Chosen Few, so how could you not have known that I was also a porn star? Of course, I was pretty young at the time, and ever since I let word get out that I was only ** years old when I made those movies with Annie Sprinkle, Karen Finley, Amy Dworkin (Andrea's niece), Cindy Plenum and the rest of the gang, my work vanished down the memory hole. So far down the memory hole, in fact, that no one ever mentions my name. You would think that the Torah itself forbade these jews from even mentioning me while discussing the milestones of porn. (Not that these people care about the Torah, but who can tell?) Ingrates! Most of these characters would still be marginal players living on the outer edges of society were it not for me." Zev Baeck writes: "That Talk chick (Nancy Beiles) who wants to talk to your readers, is she hot looking? If she is, I want to meet her, so that I can gain entre into the world of Tina Brown and that crowd. I want to go to their parties, screw their women, eat their food, regale them with my stories, and recruit them for my new cult. This journalist is the key. I would appreciate it if you mentioned me as someone with especially deep insights into your being. In exchange for this, I will tell her pretty much any damn thing you want me to, so long as it does not compromise my strategic goals." 11/28/99 Chaim Amalek Visits Luke F-rd Luke hosted Chaim Amalek (fresh from a Museum of Tolerance tour) in his hovel Sunday evening. I got Kendra Jade on the phone and we discussed her career prospects. What would she do after porno? So Chaim asked, what did you want to do before porno? Jade said she like criminology but life circumstances prevent that career option. Chaim what she would do when she reached the ripe old age of 25. Jade did not know. Would she be happy working in a Taco Bell? Or would she find a man to take care of her, and want sought of man would want to be with a woman who had consented to being videotaped while being penetrated by scores of randomly chosen sloppy disgusting men. Luke: "I take offense to that." Chaim: "I am merely concerned for her welfare. Are there pension plans for porn stars who hit 25?" Luke: "No." Kendra makes between $100,000 - $200,000 a year. But she is not saving her money. Where does it go? On jeans on Melrose Blvd. Chaim: "You know Luke, making porn is like making sausages. There's the meat (talent) and the meat grinder [swarthy Jewish porn company owners], and the consumer turns the handle. Like with sausage making, the more you know, the less appetizing it is. "Since noone knows who I am, I feel no obligation to your readers. In fact, perhaps I do not even exist. Perhaps I am evidence of a multiple personality disorder." 4/26/00 Do Hasidim Really Make Love Through A Hole In The Sheet? Laura Logic writes: Hiya Luke! I was wondering if perhaps you can help me win a bet with my friends. It involves your two favorite subjects (Judaism and sex) so I figured you would be the perfect man to consult... Ok. Rumour has it that in the Hasidic Jewish tradition, man and wife are supposed to have sex (f---,screw, ball, make panty gravy etc) through a sheet with an entry sized hole for the man to slip his (circumsied) penis through. I was approached about this by a gentile friend of mine, and boy was I embarassed as to my ignorance of Kosher sex (after all, Im representing the chosen ones in my social circles)... so whats the deal? Is this true? Where does one get this coital cloth (besides Borough Park Brooklyn)? Do they have a variety of colors? Are they blessed by a rabbi? If you get remarried do you use the same sheet? Is there a special one for infidells? Converts? Inquiring minds want (and need) to know. Help a sister make some cash the way she likes to (by proving her male friends wrong....) yours unconditionally, lauralogic Luke: No, they do not. It is a myth. But religious Jews do exercise modesty even in the bedroom. They do not undress until they are ready to get into bed. They tend to make love at night and with the lights off. Many do not practice oral sex. Mendal Slutsky's Coital Clothery That Laura person is going to have to pay up. When I was a yingel, growing up on the lower east side, I got a job (and boy were jobs scarce back then!) at Mendal Slutsky's Coital Clothery on Rivington Street at Ludlow. Today, the place is a hip bodega. But back then, it specialized in shields to prevent jewish men from thinking impure thoughts while engaged in procreative acts. The most sought after models were not those made of cloth (some of which were gossamar thin), but one we called "The Door", essentially a heavy wooden plank covered with velvet on the side facing the man, and unadorned on the other side. And yes, it had a hole in the expected place. What ultimately killed the business was the issue of size. Yes, you guessed it. There was much internal conflict in our customers between the desire to demand a very large hole for a presumably large penis, and the demands of tznious, which required a very small hole. The very orthodox would insist on a hole so small that the only way they could have coitus was by inserting their limp member into the whole prior to arousal. You can well imaging the sort of problems that arose from this. After a few serious incidents, the Rebbe put a heckshur on the practice, and it died out. Concerning "Goddess's" plea for help, I cannot help but picture her as a black man in a wig who towers over this South character. And, since she is "married", shouldn't her "man" be taking care of her? Be very careful there, Luke! Be VERY careful. Reb Chaim Amalek (awaiting the call to Moshiachdum) Galifrey@aol.com writes: Luke- As one genuinely proud to be Jewish, why hang with that self-hating pseudo intellectual snob Chaim Amalek, anyway? The guy clearly has nothing but contempt for the Jewish religion, and what's sadder, when he makes fun of it, he's not even funny (is there a graver Jewish sin then boorishness? If so, Chaim better find it). The guy writes a long discourse referring to Jews as "they", which as I needn't remind him, is one of the four questions at the Passover table, in reference to the "Wicked" son. (the son who calls Jews "they" instead of "we"). Luke, I'm curious if you could comment on your feelings towards Chaim in regards to how he views the Jewish religion. While I know you fear opinions more then anonymity, it would be nice to hear your comments. Luke: I love Chaim Amalek. Chaim and I are so convinced of the superiority of the Jewish way of life, so exuberantly confident of its wisdom, that we can make fun of it. I find Chaim hilarious. He's wickedly wonderful and vicious. I enjoy a lot of self-hating Jewish humor, such as Philip Roth's "Pointnoy Complaint." All the while leading a seriously Jewish life. There is nothing and no one towards whom I only have positive feelings. I love Judaism but I also hate it. I love God and also hate God. I hate porn and also love porn. Chaim expresses many things that I barely feel legitimate to print. In fact, "Chaim Amalek" is but an expression of my forbidden thoughts that I am too frightened to publish under the moniker "Luke F-rd." Responsa For A Confused Age Like all good Jews, Chaim Amalek and Luke F-rd were in a Modern Orthodox shul this morning praying to HaShem [God]. We were most surprised when the rabbi called a woman up to the bima [platform] to deliver the sermon. It was the first time that we had seen a woman deliver a sermon to an Orthodox congregation which routinely separates men and women and gives them different roles. The role of rabbi is not one to be filled by a woman in a traditional synagogue. The appearance of this spunky sheila caused Amalek great consternation, though Luke has more tolerant views of such matters. While thinking through the implications of women entering into previously all-male territory, Chaim Amalek wrote the following, which, during kiddush after prayers, I handed out to all members of the congregation as fodder for the afternoon study session: Good evening, Luke. The name of Nina Hartley comes up every now and then as a commendable sort of soul well worth emulating. Back in the eighties, this woman gave an interview with the Jewish magazine "Shmata", in which she conceded that: 1. she was of jewish descent; 2. she performed sexual acts on film for money, i.e., that she was a whore; and 3. that she was a communist (and, indeed, a red diaper baby). Years ago she appeared on a panel on the old Phil Donahue Show, as part of a panel of "swingers," as they were then called. The only one of the above three facts that was revealed to the audience was that Hartley, like ALL of the other guests, was jewish. A striking coincidence that Donahue did not have the balls to comment on. He never let loose that she was a prostitute or a communist, although I am certain his research department must have apprised him of these grim facts. (By the way, before anybody wastes any keystrokes to flame me, perhaps you can ask her if I have mischaracterized her in any way here. My ancient jewish head is working off memory here.) It is bad enough that our mass media present the likes of this or that Hollywood star as a suitable role model for our youth. But a Communist Jewish whore as a role model? Even the New York/Hollywood mainline purveyors of the degenerate art of our age do not go that far. Concerning one Mr. "Weissblott" who asks: "why does acknowledging a higher power meet with so much hostility amongst jews of a certain age and downtown disposition? what are all these people scared of, anyway?" Here are some possible answers to mull over at your next meeting with these hairy-palmed, hook-nosed, bagel-eating so-called hipsters who everyone knows really are jewish no matter how they dress or how much rhinoplasty they may have had: 1. Such jews hate god because they fear that their ancestors may indeed have killed the Son of God. 2. Because their parents raised them that way. 3. Because they were raised in a fundamentally unpleasant religious tradition. 4. Because they are of bad seed. 5. Because they are arrogant. 6. Because they are liberal democrats (or whatever the hell you call such people in lands adjacent the arctic). 7. Because they hate their religion, and wish everyone else hated theirs as well (misery loves company). 8. Because they are communists, like Nina Hartley (the atheistic jewish pornographer communist). 9. Because they are bad people. 9. Because there is no god and they are smarter than everyone else, which is what they likely think anyway. 10. Because much of the AMERICAN jewish "religious" (actually, "communal" would be a better word) experience is repulsive. OR maybe it is because jews are indeed the spawn of Satan, as the Black Hebrews and the Aryan Nations (the local, nazified version of the British Israelite movement) have it. Another Responsa for a Confused Age, from: Ha Goan [Great rabbi] Chaim Amalek, Melech Moshiach [King - Messiah]? If you want to see a really depressing movie, go see "The Specialist". It is a documentary about the grand-uncle of the woman whose flag burning led to a land-mark case on that subject. 'Nuff said. Luke: While Chaim and I were praying this morning, we took time out to study the January issue of The Prager Perspective. Dennis Prager writes under the headline "Men Need Men." Prager writes that just as a man needs one good woman to marry, he needs the company of many good men. Unfortunately, in today's America, men are not allowed to be with other men. Thanks to a Democratic administration that wants the support of the feminist movement, and makes a totalitarian interpretation of Title IX of the Higher Education Act, there's a national move to gut male sports programs. My alma mater, UCLA, no longer has a men's swiming or diving team, which together earned the U.S. 16 Olympic Gold medals. The all-male college dorm has been replaced with co-ed dorms and even co-ed bathrooms. The military has allowed in women, to the detriment of its efficiency, fight ability and morale. And service organizations like Kiwanis and the Rotary Club have been forced to allow in women. So about the only places left for men to associate with men are gay bars and strip clubs. And l-keford.com, where no sheilas are allowed unless they're on their knees sucking a dick. See Spot. See Spot Run. Chaim Amalek writes: Before a jewish woman can be permitted into the holy inner sanctuary of the Torah, she should be deeply probed for any trace of menstrual blood by men of high moral standing in the community, men who are armed with suitable probes, rubber gloves, and blood sensitive paper. I just checked out your Praeger web site. My suggestion is that you
can it for one dedicated to David Geffen and all the other mighty jewish
Hollywood Homosexuals. Might thrust your career into high gear! Possible
names for the web site: And do not sound at all critical! Make it appear that you are some timid little gay jew-boy who finds much that is admirable in these Juden. Chaim Amalek (career counselor) Luke: Can't we publish an email address for you so the goyim can write in to you with their halakhic questions and you can provide career advice? Chaim: No can do. I am afraid that I have seen enough to have a pretty good understanding of the thought processes of the wankers who float your web site to know that I would not find that at all useful. (Especially those guys who get all hot and bothered by what this or that pornet has said or done. Or, worse, these endless recitations of XXXX's problems with drugs or boyfriends or the law etc. Dealing with that crap brings Alzheimer's disease that much closer.) I am willing to have you forward queries from sexually desirable women of good breeding stock (which excludes the transgendered), but we already know that no such women visit your web site. Besides, I am really you, am I not? Chaim Amalek, Former Lovestonite Luke: BTW, ever since you told me to propose marriage to that liberal New York jew Laura, she has not written me. Thanks a lot for costing me tons of free material. Thanks Chaim. Chaim writes: BELIEVE ME when I tell you that these "Laura-person" types are among the most irritating of G-d's creatures on the face of the earth. It is a damn good thing that in two generations, they will be gone. Anyway, assuming she was female (likely she was), she probably was some hideous looking jap from Lawnguyland with a bad nose job. And if it's mail you want, why not write a letter to Bertrum Fields asking if he would be so kind as to put you in touch with all of his HoHeHo clients for a book you are working on? THAT should generate lots of interesting mail! Laura writes: In answer to Chaim Amalek's question as to why so many Jews are hostile to religion the anwer is first of all it's not only Jews who are hostile to organized religion many Christians are as well and for good reason. Organized religion in my view is sexually repressive especially concerning women's sexuality and is used as an excuse to repress women in general. Religious right rhetoric has resulted in hatred and intolerance towards gays which has led to their being denied basic rights. Also the fact is most religious extremists tend to be very hypocritical in preaching morality to others while never living up to their own standards. Religious extremism has been the cause of violence and wars throughout history. Thanks to religious nuts some school districts will not teach evolution denying those kids a scientific education and instead making them believe in the false creationism nonsense so they can turn those kids into ignorant religious right kooks like themselves. That's just some of the reasons to distrust organized religion and turn against it. BTW I'm an admirer of Nina Hartley. From the liberal Jew Laura. Let Us State Some Facts! Chaim Amalek writes: 1. "In fact, 'Chaim Amalek' is but an expression of my forbidden thoughts that I am too frightened to publish under the moniker 'Luke F-rd'. And yet even now, the readers of this web site just don't get it. I mean, they JUST DON'T GET IT. ONE MORE TIME - Amalek = Am Luke Just why you cannot see this, I do not know. 2. No sooner do I complain that I have lost the attention of Laura, the Liberal Jewess, then she is risen! And in less time than Jesus is said to have taken to raise himself from the dead, too! (But note: I mean no disrespect to Christianity, Judaism, or any other faith by such comments.) 3. By the way, Laura, it remains the case that in this, the bloodiest century of all human history (we are still in the 20th CE), nations driven by atheistic creeds slaughtered orders of magnitude more innocents than were killed because of religious disputes. German National Socialism, Bolshevism, Maoism were all atheistic creeds. Next to their carnage, the body count of all other causes fades into statistical noise. Your Jewish icon Nina Hartley chooses to identify with the bloodiest of ideologies - communism. That makes her a bad person, notwithstanding all of her self-indulgent whoring in front of the camera. You need to pull the needle of popular culture out of your arm, yank the MTV from your eyes, and read some history. 4. And for the record, all of you - THIS MISSIVE WAS COMPOSED BY Luke F-rd!! THERE IS NO "CHAIM AMALEK"!!!! Luke says: "Chaim Amalek" is a low part of myself that I just now coming to grips with, thanks to years of therapy. We call the unwanted selfish racist bigoted part of me "Chaim Amalek," and we're learning to accept this wounded and angry inner child. 6/18/00 Chaim: This photograph was taken of me in New York City by Miss Kendra Jade, just as I was explaining the logistics of a Hebrew National Salami to her. Luke, it occured to me that you really cannot see my face in that photograph. (Kendra had many many talents, but photography is not among them.) Here is a head shot of me taken just prior to my big date with Kendra Jade. Aghast writes: I saw the photo of Chaim Amalek and I can't believe it! Chaim is former NYC Mayor Ed Koch! 7/20/01 Yes Emmanuel, There IS a Chaim Amalek From the 7/30/01 issue of The Jerusalem Report: "Ford also calls upon the services of a host of imaginary characters, whom he uses as agent provocateurs. These include the redoubtable Haim Amalek ( a once-legendary performer and videographer now living quietly on New York's Upper West Side) and deranged starlet Cindy Plenum, who invariably take Ford to task for his journalistic practices, his affinity for Orthodox Judaism, and all the other glaring contradictions he embodies." Skeptical journalist Emmanuelle Richard writes Chaim Amalek: "Dear Chaim: I am a French journalist who specializes in pornography. Some of my big media friends say there is no Chaim Amalek. My editor says "If you see it on the Internet it's so." Please tell me the truth. Is there a Chaim Amalek?" Chaim Amalek responds (and he only responds to her, and not the dozens of other emailers who question his existence because she is young, French and beautiful though married): Emmanuel, your friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except what they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Emmanuel, whether they be men's or women's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge. Yes, Emmanuel, there is a Chaim Amalek. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were Chaim Amalek! It would be as dreary as if there were no Emmanuels. There would be no womanly faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which the internet fills the world would be extinguished. Not believe in Chaim Amalek! You might as well not believe in equality, liberty, or fraternity! The most real things in the world are those that neither journalists nor porn stars can see. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Emmanuel, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding. No Chaim Amalek! Thank God! he lives, and he dwells in New York on the Upper West Side. And for so long as internet archives are maintained of l-keford.com, so too shall he live on.
|
|
|
|
