Ryan Conner Interview
2003-08-20 12:25:24

I call Ryan Conner (www.ryanconner.com) Tuesday morning, August 19, after seeing her in a documentary on porn star names, Fluffy Cumsalot.

Luke: "So when you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?"

Ryan laughs: "Wow. When I was really young, I wanted to be an actress. And of course, every little girl wants to be a ballerina too. I never got to take ballerina classes. I grew up in a very Jehovah Witness family. When I grew up, I just wanted to be free of Jehovah Witnesses."

Luke: "What did your family and community want for you? That you be a good Jehovah Witness, get married and have kids?"

Ryan: "Pretty much. The only people I knew were Jehovah Witnesses. I married at Jehovah Witness at 18. I was a virgin. I had not even seen a penis. I was married for two horrible years. I learned about BJs once. I tried giving him one and he declined it. You didn't know that guys like that existed?"

Luke: "How could you leave a man who was such a fine Christian gentleman?"

Ryan: "For that very reason."

Luke: "How did you find out about BJs. I was watching a [mainstream] movie and they made a comment about doing it. I thought, hell, I'll try."

Ryan: "I grew up in the third largest city in Idaho."

Luke: "What was the first time you had sex like?"

Ryan: "Terrifying. I didn't even know a guy was supposed to push it in and out. I had no idea."

Luke: "Did you guys eventually develop a good sex life?"

Ryan: "No. I didn't develop a good sex life until I was 24, when I came for the first time."

Luke: "Why did you get divorced?"

Ryan: "There was no communication. It wasn't a good relationship. I wanted to be free. I wanted to see the world and experience things. That was why I got married and left home in the first place. I didn't realize I was exchanging one set of rules for another.

"I worked three jobs. I did nails. I was a waitress in a restaurant and I worked at a bar at night. These were good experiences. I met another husband [not Jehovah Witness]. He was in the military. I was 21. He was assigned to San Diego. Our marriage lasted one year. He was assigned to a fast-attack sub right after we got married. He was gone 90% of the year."

Luke: "Did you have affairs on him?"

Ryan: "While he was gone, I got involved with one person. When my husband got home, I told him what happened and that I couldn't fulfill my obligation any more and I wanted a divorce."

Luke: "How did you meet the guy who gave you your first orgasm?"

Ryan: "He was the manager at one of the nightclubs where I started dancing [topless]. I tried somebody opposite of what I would normally pick. He was old enough and experienced enough to know what to do for me. He sat me down and said, 'I'm going to do this until something happens. Get used to it.'"

Luke: "How did you progress from dancing to layouts and movies?"

Ryan: "I did some artistic nudes, mostly black and white. That was fun. It wasn't anything graphic. It was just art and nature. I went on a walk nude. Then I got pregnant [for the first time]. I needed money, like all pregnant women do. One of the girls I worked with [as a dancer] told me about a gentleman who did photos of pregnant ladies nude and paid decent. Those were the first layouts I did. I managed to make it into a couple of magazines that way.

"After I had my daughter, I went back to dancing. There's good money there. Then I decided I wanted to feature [dance in strip clubs around the nation]. For the regular dancer, it's either San Diego or Las Vegas. I wanted to travel around. I found out quickly that the girls who really make the money are the ones who've done adult movies. In 1999, I did one crazy one for a mostly gay company in San Diego. I was naive. I thought it was a black-market kind of thing, so under-the-table shady that it would never see the light of day. Six months later, AVN prints up a review on that movie. It felt weird. I worried that it would give me a bad name [to work for a homosexual company].

"People in the industry are crazy. We do what we do. You'd think that would mean everybody was really open but they're not. If you escort, you have a terrible name. If you do bisexual movies, you have a terrible name. If you do black guys, you have a terrible name.

"I moved to Los Angeles. The guy in San Diego gave me the number of TJ Hart. I gave her a jingle. She told me the top five companies to go to. I spoke to Jim South at World Modeling. I met Reb [Sawitz at Pretty Girl International, a rival agent]. Right away I was thrown into that competition between agents trying to get the new meat.

"I walked into Elegant Angel. They were enthusiastic. 'Oh, you're great. We want you for the first two weeks.' Reb happened to be with me. I didn't realize then that I wasn't getting that good of a deal because they were my first movies. I got $800 a scene. I didn't get paid anything extra for that exclusivity. I was overwhelmed that everybody liked me and got all giggly. Now I look back and think, damn, I should've been paid something special for that."

Luke: "A loss of innocence."

Ryan: "I was naive in business."

Luke: "Did you do anal in your first two weeks?"

Ryan: "I believe so. I did everything except I've never had a thing for black gentlemen. I've never dated any. There aren't a heckuva lot of black guys up in Idaho."

Luke: "You've never done interracial?"

Ryan: "I didn't in the beginning but I went to work for Vivid. Director Robby D said, 'I have this line called Colorblind. It's great.' I told him I only had one stipulation - no gangbangs. He was like, 'Don't worry about it. I have the perfect guy for you. He's a friend of mine.' So I did my Colorblind with Wesley P8pes."

Luke: "He's from South Central. Talks all through his scenes."

Ryan: "Yeah. I was not happy. He didn't do too bad as far as degrading or I would've turned around and hit him. He kept saying, 'Oh, this is some fine white pussy.'"

Luke: "He likes his white girls."

Ryan: "Then I shot with Julian St. Jox. That was a better experience. There's a huge difference in black gentlemen, just as there is in white. It pays to be selective with who you work with. For your peace of mind, not because it matters with critics."

Luke: "Have you stopped doing black guys?"

Ryan: "I can't say that. If the right scene came along. Sean Michaels. Julian St. Jox. I have no problem working with them. They're gentlemen. I'm not shooting a lot now for anyone. I'm trying to come out with my own stuff."

Luke: "What about the size, particularly a Lexington Steele?"

Ryan: "I wish I could say that size mattered to the benefit but I can't say that does anything for me."

Luke: "Does it ever hurt you?"

Ryan: "I think anything the size of a baseball bat being shoved up you, yes. I know Lexington could not put it all the way in. A couple of times he came pretty damn close and I screamed. Jack Napier. He's big but he's very aware of his responsibility with his size. He cares about what's going on with his partner. He's cautious. He's never hurt."

Luke: "Have you ever been ripped up?"

Ryan: "Never. I'm not the type to be a victim. I come off pretty tough. Most people know not to mess with me. My husband told me I had a fearsome reputation. I talk a big talk."

Luke: "How many times have you been married?"

Ryan: "DUC, you're treading in dangerous territory. This is my fifth marriage."

DUC leans back and falls of his chair. "Fifth?" he says as he picks himself off the ground and tries to resume the interview.

Luke: "You're the Elizabeth Taylor of X."

Ryan: "Exactly.

"We got married on Halloween last year. It's going great. It's the best relationship I've ever had."

Luke: "Is your husband in the industry?"

Ryan: "He's produced a movie. He does all my work. He's my webmaster. He's not a performer. I happened to meet him on a shoot and we got to talking about computer stuff. I was in need of a webmaster and I got a husband who is now my slave.

"My husband comes from a traditional family and he has a hard time sometimes [with Ryan's sex work]. Sometimes he says, 'I wish you were only mine.' Eventually that will happen. I'm 32. I would rather exit the stage while the applause is still going."

Luke: "What do you love and what do you hate about the industry?"

Ryan: "I've always been a sexual sensual being. I believe that people emit pheromones that attract others. Some have just the right mix that it attracts a general population to them. Other people have something off in their chemical makeup so they only attract certain people. I happen to be someone who has that general pheromone mix. A lot of people like me. Oddly enough, certain times of the month, I attract people more. I can literally tell. I'm walking down the street. I've just come out of the gym. I look like hell. And five guys come up to me. At other times, it is not quite as strong.

"I like that I can be free with my sexuality and not be pointed out as a weirdo. Of course there are still people who do that. But I finally feel like I have a little niche of people that accept me for being that way.

"What I hate about the industry is that while it tends to be open in that respect, it tends to be close-minded in others and sophomoric. People in the industry get caught up in high school drama and sometimes forget that they are adults and have the ability to choose and to take responsibility. They can say f--- off to many people without having to humiliate anybody.

"Like other high profile industries, ours is riddled with drugs. You get a lot of dramatic people. To be around people acting out adult things but acting like children is not fun."

Luke: "What have you learned from being married so many times?"

Ryan: "It's not being married so many times as much as growing up and getting life experience. Being in a marriage is not about finding that person who can make you happy but finding that person who you can share your happiness with. I was at a point in my life where I'd come to the conclusion that I was going to be alone. I've got a career. I've raised a daughter. I have the ability to put myself through school if I want to.

"I am hoping to go to school this fall. When you get married, your life goes haywire for a while. We're getting settled now."

Luke: "What do you love and hate about living in Los Angeles?"

Ryan groans. "I hate LA. Too many people. Too much traffic. I hate the smog. I like the weather. It's not expensive as far as food...but as far as living quarters, it's expensive."

Luke: "How has porn affected your self esteem?"

Ryan: "I feel great. I have a different view of myself. When I danced, it was all physical. My self esteem depended upon my physique. Now I know more people. I've met a lot of my fans. They think I'm awesome. That I have a great personality. I look good too. It makes me feel content with who I am. Even though I am a little bit bigger than most porn stars, I got a booty. I've got some legs on me. I'm what the industry calls a healthy girl. I'm ok with that now. That word 'healthy' used to be an insult. Now I think I am healthy, a lot more healthy than many of those skinny girls. I've been think and f---ed up on drugs. I wouldn't want to be there."

Luke: "What would you like to look like?"

Ryan: "Barbie. I'd like to be 18 again. I'd like to look thin and have no dimples anywhere and be firm and confident. I'm getting there. I've just had a lot happen this last year. My attention to my body got diverted to my husband."

Luke: "How is it for your daughter to be raised by a mother who is a sex star?"

Ryan: "My daughter has a lot of the same tendencies that I do. I see a lot of myself in her. She looks exactly like my pictures when I was a little girl.

"She's still at an age where she doesn't really know what I do. A few days ago, we were watching Nothing To Lose with Martin Lawrence and Tim Robbins. She happened to sit in for the last bit of the movie. A strip bar scene came in. There was nothing. They weren't even showing breasts or anything. She saw that and said, 'Ohmigod,' covering her eyes. 'She's going to dance for him and get naked.' She was acting like that was a bad thing. I said, That's not a bad thing necessarily. I used to do that. She thought about that for a while. The next day, she asked me how much I made when I danced. And then after that, she asked what did I want her to be when she grew up.

"I don't think she's grasped how much money that really is. She hasn't comprehended that $100 is a lot of more. She gets an allowance of $5 a week."

Luke: "How are parent-teacher conferences, PTA meetings, and the like?"

Ryan: "I have a corporation as a consulting firm for the Internet industry. I don't have a problem explaining that. As a consultant, I travel a lot. We work at home. It's all feasible. We have done it. We have consulted people for websites, most of which were adult. The content is irrelevant. Nobody has ever asked me - what part of the Internet do you specialize in?"

Luke: "So none of the mothers of your daughter's friends said, You are a porn star."

Ryan: "Only one knew I was in the industry, because her husband happens to know my father-in-law. She was fine with it. I'm careful about anything to do with my daughter. I know how the world perceives things and how cruel people can be in their misconceptions. Ignorance is not bliss. People will make opinions based on the flippin' movie Boogie Nights. If I did that with anything, come on!"

Luke: "Has your work in the adult industry opened up the world to you or have you felt the world closing in on you?"

Ryan: "I feel open. I've experienced bad things in the industry. I've never had anybody try to hurt me. I've met a lot of amazing people in the adult world. I'm a better businesswoman."

Luke: "You haven't felt a lot of stigmatizing from people in the non-adult world?"

Ryan: "I had a little oops a while back. A guy I was living with hurt my daughter. When that happened, my relationship with my family went south. They blamed me. They blamed the industry. They said I was on drugs. They were trying to get my daughter away from him. It was ugly. A lot of money was spent. It was a big court battle. Mainly it was me defending myself in court against the District Attorney. They claimed it was negligence on my part. I come out of it saying, accidents happen. It wasn't my fault. I couldn't be there 24 hours a day.

"My relationship with my family now is good. They know what I do. I don't have to lie about. Aside from my family, I don't have too much contact with the outside world.

"My husband's family is so supportive of what I do. They don't necessarily know that I'm still acting. They're fine with it. My father-in-law is writing a script for us. He's just tickled pink that his son is with someone responsible. That we're both in love, happy, and taking care of each other.

"I'm cautious about anything having to do with my daughter. For the most part, I would probably deny it. To safeguard her. Other than that, I don't really have contact with other people. If I were walking in a store, and somebody said something, I'd be like 'F--- you. I know bigger sluts than me and they don't get paid for it. Who's the fool?' If I did not have a child, I would tell everybody about what I do. F--- you if you don't like it. That comes from being 32 and having a good sense of self.

"If you're talking with someone else and you're ashamed of what you do, they are likely to have the same opinion. I think my demeanor commands respect."