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Eva Angelina's Boyfriend Commits Suicide

DeGalon writes on ADT: "I just saw this girl in her scene with Teagan in Cum Swapping Sluts 7 and I think she was awesome. She's one of the cutest girls I've ever seen."

Eva Angelina writes:

hey there guys its eva! i'm so excited to hear that i have some fans out there...i'm glad to say i'm back!! and i'm starting to film some scenes asap! i was temporarily retired but i can't stay gone for too long. hope you guys like my new look!

oh! and by the way... i'm chinese and cuban.

i'm not going to do anal just yet...i'm going for longevity when it comes to me newly revived career. i'll start doing anal when i stop getting calls for b/g scenes. but you will see swallowing in some scenes. i haven't really shot any scenes yet. i just got a new agent yesturday. i have a new look and a great new attitude. Nothing and no one is going to get in my way!

sometimes i wear contacts sometimes i wear glasses. my hair is shorty and my body is new and improved.

i guess the glasses are a fan of many... i guess i'm going to have to wear a little more often with you guys. well.. about the pictures... i've just got back from retirement as of two days ago so i have yet to shoot any scenes. but i shot a promo for 7 lives exposed on playboy tv and next week i'm shooting with digital playground and possibly a new episode for my internet series on shanesworld.com i just met up with september and stacy valentine for representation. so as of yet no one has pictures of me now including myself. but when i get some i'll post some hot ones up...you guys won't complain...hehehe

i knew before getting my boob job some people would have mixed feelings. but i did it because all my life i thought was going to have large breasts because of my moms size. but as i grew older i wondered why my sister was so flat and why i wasn't getting any bigger. with much disappointment i was told at age 17 that my moms breasts weren't her own. i was devastated but then went on a mission to find a way of getting mine done. finally i did them and i'm happier than ever, my clothes fit a lot better and i feel sexier than ever. thats all that matters...my confidence those pictures are only a week old..if that and my boobs are 7 weeks old. so yes they still need time to settle...don't worry.

i shot my first scene back with metro yesturday, i believe its in their "new cummers" series. it was amazing and reminded me of everything i loved that i had left behind. i'm here to stay and no one can take that away from me. i got rid of some old baggage. thank god! i believe you may be seeing me signing for zero tolerance at the vegas show so be ready! hehehe

11/9/04

i'm sorry to say but that extra baggage that i got rid of ended up tragically... this mourning i found out that my boyfriend had killed himself because i left him on saturday. im still in shock and i don't want to believe that i have cause so much pain in his life...i'm scared now because i know he really is gone and i can't do anything to change this. i have felt a pain in my veins and in my heart that i hope none of you will have to feel. but unfortunately i'm left to feel this anguish and sorrow that my other half is gone and i will never be able to make love to him, breathe his air, or touch his skin ever again...i don't mean to be a bummer but i just wanted to share this with you guys because this is the only thing that is running through my mind....my poor baby...

i'm sorry...i still don't know what to say to myself i'm just devastated. my shadow is gone and i stand here alone. i dont know what to do except stand here and look at his pictures and hug his pillow so tight just to smell his body as if he were here next to me. but then i realize that i will never have him next to me...ever! which brings me to tears. now when i cry i barely have any tears because my tear drops have been dried out. f-ck! i hate what has happened to me...when im trying so hard to focus on one thing, something so heart breaking takes you away from everthing and you can only think of the pain in your heart. so painful that you literally are sick to your stomach. thats what i hate. my love is now gone. hes left me!

he had a lot of problems but me starting porn again only made it worse. its still so unreal that he won't be calling me anymore wondering when i'll be home so he can have dinner ready. it hurts to know that i will never be able to feel his body next to mine. it unbelieveable, i refuse to believe that i will never be able to taste him again. i can't believe that he had to take himself away from me god damnit! why did he have to leave me!

It's reminiscent of what happened to Cal Jammer. He blew his brains out on the driveway of his wife Jill Kelly.

Eva Angelina's Return

She writes 11/20/04 on ADT about her ex-boyfriend who killed himself a couple of weeks ago:

thanks you guys it really does mean a lot! in the past two weeks i have gone through a journey that is hard to put to words... all i know is that i have seen the darkest and i am ready to see the light. i have had my nervous breakdown and reached the lowest i will ever allow myself to be. there is a reason why he took his life... he wanted me to do my best to suceed in porn even though he could not live here on earth to see it. i can't let myself go to waste. he didn't want to keep me from this anymore than he already had. i hate that he could not be okay with it but i except why he wasn't... he wanted me to be only his. i now know what i need to do...he did not die for nothing. i will do my best in every scene i shoot in hopes that i can fulfill my dreams... just like he wanted me to do. i shot my first b/g scene back with digital playground today and it was amazing. i felt like i was on a whole new level of performing, a new energy i had waiting inside...ready to erupt and boy did it! i feel revitalized and ready to make him proud.

Yes, that was Eva Angelina posting her dramatic story on ADT.

Eva calls me (caller ID gives her real name and phone number) at 10:48am Friday, November 26. "I got your email about how you wanted me confirm my identity. I thought I definitely needed to give you a call."

She laughs. "I'm reading what they write on Adult DVD Talk. Dude. I know it's out there but it's f---ed up. The s--- I've been going through the past three weeks has been blowing so hard. Then to hear that one moment they are all remorseful and the next moment, whoa, dadeeda."

Luke: "It is so hard to get your mind around such a tragic story."

Eva: "Oh yeah. My world has changed so much. Everything I had, I shared with him [her late 35yo boyfriend, Dan the Rigger aka Dan Beard, his real name]. Once he passed away [he killed himself through carbon monoxide poisoning Sunday, November 7, 2004], his parents moved in and took over everything. I don't even have a house anymore. I can't even get into the house I was staying at for the last year. My house is in chains right now. I'm staying with a friend, but I'm homeless. I don't have a bed to sleep in.

"I feel like I don't have any choice but to do what I want to do and what he wanted me to do. Doing porn has definitely been a necessity and has been a good way of helping me get my feet back on the ground. It's just a crazy time in my life."

She gives a disbelieving laugh.

Luke: "You broke up with him a month ago?"

Eva: "We were going through some hardcore problems. He was an alcoholic. He started drinking when he started watching my videos eight months ago. It got really really bad. A month ago, we were on-and-off. We broke up the day before he killed himself.

"The day I broke up with him was the day I came back from my first scene [in six months]. The next day he had killed himself. I found out the next day after that. The homocide detectives called me. I thought, oh dear, I hope he didn't kill somebody. That's when they told me, yeah, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but he committed suicide.

"After that, I swear, I screamed bloody mary. I never thought he was capable of doing anything like that. He was so prideful and graceful. It was a shock to anybody who knew him."

Luke: "Did he threaten it?"

Eva: "No. Never. I would never have left his house if I knew that was a consideration. We had broken up like this before. We had had fights like this before. He had called his mom after I had left the house, the day before he died, and said, 'Yeah, it's seriously over. I don't know what to do. She's not coming back anymore.'

"His mom called his father and told him to fly in from Virginia. His father was on a plane and he didn't know his father was coming to see him. He'd done the whole carbon monoxide thing in his garage. He wrote his whole suicide letter. According to the coroner, he passed away between 10-11am Sunday [November 7].

"His dad was at his house by 3pm. His dad was waiting outside the house until the next morning when finally he realized that this is not right. He tried to break in. That's when his father saw him in the garage dead. He had been dead a long time.

"His mom was on the phone with his dad when his dad found him. It was horrible."

Luke: "What did he say in his suicide note?"

Eva: "He said how I was his last hope for love and he screwed it up. And how he was fighting his inner demons and he thought that I could get him out of it all but it was too much to ask of anyone. How he was sorry that we had wasted all of our precious moments on him. How now he will be at peace and he will be in every shadow and I will feel him in the wind. And that was the best thing for him.

"It was so beautifully written that you could tell he had spent so much time on it and it came from so deep within his heart.

"When I first read it, the day after he died, I just screamed so hard. My whole body refused everything. For exactly a week, I went on this journey. I totally isolated myself from everybody and just drove. In four days, I drove over 2,000 miles. The Saturday after I found out, I had this nervous breakdown. There's an 18-hour period where I had driven around my parents' city and I ended up at my parents' house and had a full-on conversation with my stepmom and went and passed out for six hours.

"I woke up scared out of my mind because I did not know how I got there. I spoke to my stepmom afterwards. She said I looked like I had just crawled out of my grave. That was the lowest point. I realized I could not live like this.

"That's when I called my agent [ExoticStarModels.com] and said that I needed to get the ball rolling. Me just sitting here and just thinking about it is going to get me institutionalized.

"They knew my situation. They had met him too. They were just as surprised. Right now I'm looking for an apartment. I will probably get an apartment with Keri Sable within the next week. It's just been nuts. It's just been one bad things after another in my life. In the last ten years, I could probably have written two different novels about my life."

She laughs. "To have this happens now? I thought he was my reward for having to deal with everything I dealt with, now that's taken away from me. Now I have to go soul searching and figure some s--- out."

Luke: "What did he do for a living?"

Eva: "He was a rigger. He was in charge of hanging stuff out at rock concerts and stuff. Lights. He works for Ozzfest and KISS. He worked on Spiderman."

Luke: "Was he a drug addict?"

Eva: "He did his share of drugs ten years ago. He was this huge drug addict, this huge drinker. Lethal. Then, something happened and he got sober. Then he was sober for ten years. Then four months into our relationship, he started drinking again. There are a couple of times I know he must've done coke. I'm not stupid. I've been on that side of the fence. I know what to look for.

"When he started drinking, it was such a split personality he went through. When he'd drink, he'd verbally abuse me about doing porn and having sex with other people. Well, I met him doing porn."

Luke: "How did you meet him?"

Eva: "He was starting up his own porn company. It was right before I knew where to go. I met him on sexyjobs.com. He said he would take pictures of me and send me home with a CD of pictures and I would do a blowjob scene with him and he'd pay me $200. I said yeah, let's do it.

"So I went to his house and I fell in love with him and I never quite left."

Luke: "Did he start a porn company?"

Eva: "He started it and he was filming his own content, but once he met me, he stopped everything. He had no desire to pursue that. He only wanted to be with me. The pictures he took of me were the ones that blew into my career. My career got boosted up 110% after that. I was working every other day.

"I went through a lot of s---. He was there every step of the way. He was supportive. Whenever I got injured, he nursed me back to health. Somehow, curiosity killed the cat, and he watched one of my videos. And this happened to be one of the most aggressive videos I did [jizzbomb.com]."

Jizzbomb boasts: "They come in looking sweet and innocent & go home looking like tired old whores."

Eva: "The scene was shot for New Sensations with Benjamin Bratt. [Dan] told me that the stuff that Benjamin Bratt was doing to me was the stuff that he would find him and beat up him in the back alley for. He didn't want to see his baby doing that. He was into the more glamorous Vivid-type stuff."

Luke: "What did you do for jizzbomb?"

Eva: "It was really aggressive to the point where he was choking me. I don't know if he spat on my face. It was on that level. He called me crying. After that, I knew this was going to be hard. I went in and out of the business after that. He told me, just do what you need to do. Porn is too important in our lives. Just do it.

"In May 2004, enough was enough. I needed to help him. He went on tour a couple of weeks later for four months later. He went to Australia and Japan. Even then, he was still drinking. There were times when he wouldn't even call me for days because he didn't want me to hear him in this way.

"Finally, he got kicked off the Ozzfest tour a week-and-a-half early just because he was self-destructive. He was getting pushed over the edge. It was getting to be dangerous. They couldn't rely on him. It was such a huge responsibility. So they sent him home.

"It just got worse. It wasn't going to be pretty so I did the whole if-you-can't-fight-'em-join-'em-thing. I started drinking with him. I just tried to be smarter about it. If he saw he was starting to get mean and aggressive towards me during a party, I would just go home and go to bed.

"He was supporting me for six months [that she didn't work in porn]."

Luke: "Did he ever hit you?"

Eva: "No, he never hit me. He would corner me and be an inch away from my nose and provoke me to hit him. I did most of the hitting. The day before he died, I head-butted him and broke his nose. I wish my last vision of him wasn't blood oozing out of his nose and over his mouth. It's the most terrifying picture I have of him. I just wish our last day could've been so different."

Eva cries. "It was a hard hard way to end everything. And it makes me want to be a better person now and control myself when it comes to anger because I have a Cuban temper. Unfortunately, I'm known in my family and amongst my friends as the person who gets in fights with guys. Whether it's at a party or its my dad or its a boyfriend. I won't fight girls. I've been arrested several times.

"Treating him the way I did, just knowing that he loved me so much still, sucks.

"I'm Cuban, Chinese, Irish and English. It's a weird combination. My mom was bad like that too. She had such an aggressive attitude. She would cuss at you in Spanish. I was so glad I didn't know what she was saying. I got that from her.

"Then I found a collection of my porn, of me, stashed in the house. He had every single one of my videos."

Luke: "He only asked you not to do it when he was drunk?"

Eva: "Yeah. When he was sober, he was hurt. You could see it. He was so hurt. He just wanted me to be only his and vice versa. He felt like he was sharing me with people who didn't even respect me at all. It was any guy's worst nightmare. Porno is not just a job. It's a lifestyle. I would come home and I would still be in my porn mode. He would be like, ok, you're home. You're not Eva anymore. You're [her real name].

"After I had a rough day, he would greet me at the door, dinner would be laid on the table already, and he'd massage my feet. He was the wife in the relationship. For a time, I saw our relationship as the all-American husband and wife family. We even tried having kids for a good nine months but he couldn't get me pregnant. That was also hard for him to handle."

Luke: "You write that he wanted you to succeed in porn?"

Eva: "When it came down to it, I told him, you can't support me anymore. I need to do this. I will even help you pay the mortgage payments. At first, I was doing just girl-girl stuff. He met with Exotic Star Models. When I first interviewed with them, he went with me. He made sure that I was in good hands. I was only going to do boy-girl stuff with him.

"After the day that we met with Exotic Star, I told him, for me to do my full potential and be successful in this industry, I'm going to have to do boy-girl scenes with other guys. He said, ok, if that's what you need to do. I want you to do well too. Let's do it.

"He spoke to September [at Exotic Star] several times about my career and how he just wants me to be in good hands. All he wanted was for me to be happy, even if it was at his own expense. He found a way to deal with it, whether it was having to drink, or working more. He dealt with it in some way."

Luke: "Was he drinking the day he died?"

Eva: "We have reason to believe it. I never got to see the body. I never got to be involved with his death. His parents wouldn't even let me go to his funeral."

Luke: "What has your relationship been like with his parents?"

Eva: "We had a great relationship. I spoke to his mom probably every day. We were a team. I was supposed to be in Virginia with them now having a full-on reunion thing. Dan told his mom several times to accept the age difference in me [19yo] for who I was or he would choose me than her. And he did.

"There was a time when his mom was conspiring to take him to rehab. She did it in the wrong way. He found out about it. He said, if you keep on calling me, I'm going to put a restraining order on you. He was threatened by her and made it obvious that he would choose me over her.

"When he died, she probably felt that I was the main reason. The letter was written mostly to me. She resented that. She's been really mean about the whole situation."

Luke: "How do his parents feel about you being a porn star?"

Eva: "They don't know. My parents only found out about a week ago. They were like, whatever. I don't even want to believe it.

"I'm sure that when they cleaned out his house, they must've seen pictures of me. He loved taking pictures of me. Clothed and fully naked. We were definitely sexual beings. We had home videos everywhere. We had porn everywhere. We had dildos and buttplugs in our kitchen. He was just like that. I know they know what we were up to. It was obvious that he shot it. You could find his videos lying around."

Luke: "Did he ever sell and distribute his videos?"

Eva: "He was trying to do something with Nectar. He had created a series called Knob Gobbler. He shot a lot of people. He never got to put it out there. He was more into the erotic-artsy stuff rather than the hardcore gonzo. He was great with editing. But a lot of people told him -- that's not the market now.

"He did everything POV. He was a really hung guy. He was the biggest white dude that I've ever been with. He was a good ten inches and as thick as my forearm. That's why it was hard for me to work and also be able to please him at home. I was personally burnt out after a couple of weeks because we would f--- like four times a day. Then I'd go to work and have to f--- for an hour.

"Then I got injured. I worked with Mr. Biggs. He tore me up [vaginally] and I bled all over the place and I was never the same after that for a good six months.

"We stopped the scene to clean up. I felt like finishing the scene because we were halfway through it. I'm not into walking out. I don't like leaving unfinished business. After that scene, my pussy got so swollen that I couldn't even stick my finger in my pussy. He nursed me back to health.

"I was able to only work. I couldn't make love to him if I knew I had to work the next day. There was no way."

Luke: "How did Mr. Big injure you?"

Eva: "He used this lube that was thick and after a couple of thrusts, my pussy wouldn't stretch anymore and it literally just tore.

"That was the one-and-only time I had ever double-booked myself. My pussy was so swollen, it was unbelievable. And the next day, I was obligated to work for Cherry Boxxx. And that f---ed me up even more. Working three scenes after having been so injured f----- me up. For a good six months, I wasn't normal. My pussy wasn't normal until a couple of months ago. It just sucks. I hate it. I am beyond sexual. I like to have sex anywhere and everywhere all the time. To mentally be so horny and then have to associate actual sex with pain was a bummer. I just blew a lot. I blew him all the time."

Luke: "Did you see a doctor about your injury?"

Eva: "Yeah. He said I just had to take care of myself.

"I ended up getting a bacterial infection. I was still working a lot. Fortunately it was this time last year. The industry was slowing down. Once it came to Christmas time, I had a good two weeks to calm down. But I never quite healed up until I took that six months off. He was on tour for four months. I didn't have sex for two months. I still had lots of phone sex and had my way with my dildos and stuff. It's different when it's a real dick."

Luke: "Did you guys go together to industry functions?"

Eva: "Yeah. We went to a couple of porn parties, such as the LA Direct Christmas party. We had Thanksgiving with Arianna Jollee. Tiva (formerly of LA Direct Models) was his roommate for a long time. He didn't want to be at the Vegas show with me because he knew I was going to be blunt about working with other people and he couldn't handle it. When we were there as an item going to little parties, it was different.

"For the most part, during the holidays, he was the only person I wanted to be with. I was never into having sex with any of the porn dudes off camera."

Luke: "Would you bring other girls home to share with him?"

Eva: "No. It was something we wanted to do but it never happened. We spoke about it a lot. We were even going to hire a girl. We were going to create a shoot so we could have fun. Normal girls are all talk. For a long time, I was only hanging out with normal people because I didn't want to be totally consumed with the whole porn world.

"I've been accused of raping girls. Dude, that is lame. You call that rape? You have no idea."

She laughs. "A girl from my high school, one of my good friends, back-stabbed me and said that. Dude, you can't rape the willing. I didn't even eat her pussy. How could I rape her?

"I resent my friends a lot. They were the ones who pushed me to be mean to him [Dan Beard aka Rigger Dan, who committed suicide November 7]. I was very mean to him the last week-and-a-half that we were together. I was brutal. I said some f------up s---. It was only because I was trying to be strong. They influenced me to break up with him and act that way. I love him so much, Luke. There is no way that I would've done that on my own."

Luke: "Why did they want you to get rid of him?"

Eva: "They'd just broken up with their boyfriends. 'I'm single now. Let's party.' They wanted me to be like that too. When he actually died, they said, oh s---, because they knew that they played a part in that. They were trying to tell me what to do. I don't want anyone telling me what to do. Listening to you and to you and to you didn't help. If anything, it helped him kill himself. It drove him to the point where he knew I wasn't going to be back because I had all of a sudden become this strong person who didn't care. It sucked because I did.

"When they told me I should do this thing and that thing [following Dan's death], I just completely took off and drove aimlessly for a good day. I was sleeping in my car.

"I found my way somehow to PCH (Pacific Coast Highway) and drove from Santa Monica past Santa Barbara and all the way back down to [town in Orange County]. I was just looking at the ocean and at the sky. It brought me to peace. It was hard, hard, hard.

"Finally, I decided to get a nice suite at a hotel by the beach. Finally, I took a shower and relaxed and went to bed in a nice bed. The next morning when I woke up the only thing I remember is answering the phone for the wake-up call. The next thing I remember was waking up at 6pm at my parents' house. That's when I had my blackout. My mind shut down. That was my low point.

"I always heard about s--- like this happening to people or watching it on the news or reading about it in the paper, but I never thought that any of this s--- would ever happen to me. What's happened to me in the last three years has been really hard. I've been continually, unexpectedly, not because of my own choices, had everything raped of me. I've lost everything three times in the last year. I've been held up in my own home. I've been robbed before my eyes. I had a f---ed up relationship with my ex-boyfriend [Eva's boyfriend of four years, before Dan]. He would butt-rape me to punish me.

"He got really involved with drugs. He cheated on me with at least 50 different people. I was completely faithful to him. Whenever he thought I had cheated on him, he would take me in my room or wherever I was, in a dark corner, and he felt empowered when he raped me. I think he was a rape victim when he was younger. That was his way of being the boss and punishing me. He wouldn't rape my pussy. He'd rape my ass. It was just f---ed up like that.

"My mom was a paranoid schizophrenic. She was a psycho-girl who thought that everybody else was f---ed up but her. She was too superior to even think about going to the doctor.

"I thought Dan was my reward for everything. And he was. I just wish he could still be here. I don't know why he's taken away from me now."

Luke: "How did you come to get into porn in the first place?"

Eva: "I always wanted to do porn. It was only a matter of turning 18. I started making my own home videos when I was 13."

"With who?"

Eva: "With just random people. I carried my video camera in my car. I carried it with my backpack. I would take a guy that I knew to a restaurant bathroom or whatever, go in the bathroom stall and start blowing them, and they would tape it POV. It was great. I loved it.

"When I was 17, I met a guy who was a wanna be poser porn-star dude who was totally into making home videos. I had my collection."

Do you still have it?

"I got rid of a lot of it. I might still have one video. I got rid of a lot of it because I didn't want Dan to come across it and watch it and be even more [upset]. When I was younger, I was so scared that my parents would find the videos that I would tape over it. A 14-year old filming her sex isn't accepted."

What a cold cruel world we live in where a 14-year old girl can't even make pornographic movies of herself without fear of ridicule, let alone arrest.

"I always checked out the adult employment section of the OC Weekly. Three months after I turned 18, I saw one that I hadn't seen before: 'Do you want to shock and awe your parents? Call Calli Cox.'

"I'm like, yeah, I want to shock and awe my parents. I called the number. Calli is rad. She lets me know what company it is for. I sent in a picture of myself. They called me right afterwards.

"It was Porn Star Date. I went on a date with two porn stars -- Mr. Pete and Clark Kent. They were competing for me. At the end of the date, I would choose which one [Mr. Pete] I wanted to f---. Then they would videotape it.

"I was so into the scene, I was having a blast, that they asked me to come back to go to Miami with them for the Internext convention [August 2003] and party with them.

"I was working an 8-5 job at the time at a mortgage company. I was an assistant accountant. I'm the kind of girl who likes to be out there. I like to see daylight. I don't want to rot away in an office hoping that it is going to get me somewhere in life.

"When I got to be the person I was, and be the sexual being and have fun and party and then come home with this $3,000 check, that was nice."

She giggles. "After that, I quit my job. Shane's World got me for Diary of a Young Slut. I was only shooting with them for a good four months.

"Finally, I asked Calli, where do I go to start working with other companies? I was given a couple of numbers. Then I reached another low point in my life. My roommates [from her previous accounting job] were so upset with me that I was making all this money. When I quit, they had to clean up all my dirty work. They were really stressed out and it got to the point where they were really hating me. I was having fun and enjoying my summer and coming home with checks that they wouldn't make in a month. They just got so bitter and bent that they were threatening to kick my ass. They wanted me out of the apartment. It got to the point where I was driven out of the apartment.

"I had nothing again. Shane's World wasn't working. I couldn't rely on them anymore. I moved back in with my parents for a month. I found sexyjobs.com. I met Dan. I worked with him. Finally, the pictures he took of me, I put on sexyjobs.com and that's where I found my agent at the time, Thomas Hope with XTC Models.

"I've made 30-40 films and a bunch of Internet stuff."

Luke: "What did you do from May to November [2004]?"

Eva: "I worked at Macaroni Grill [in Valencia] and went back to school [in Valencia]. I tried to be a normal 19-year old. I met a lot of people my age who didn't know what I did. Then eventually someone saw me on TV. I remember I went to work and someone put "Eva Angelina" on a post-it on the podium. I was a hostess. I saw it and I must've s--- my pants."

She giggles. "I went pale. In a state of panic. I looked at all the people who were working there to see who would give me the eye contact to signal they knew. No one did at first. I started hyperventilating. My body heat went up. Finally, someone gave me eye contact and they told me what had happened.

"My paychecks were $130-$220 every two weeks. Dude, this can't even pay for my car payment. What am I going to do? That's when Dan started supporting me. He'd send me checks for a grand, two grand, every month. We lived together. He was on the road for four months.

"He had gotten into a car accident before he went on tour. That cost five grand to fix. The girl didn't have car insurance. Then I wanted boobs. I wanted implants. He bought those [done September 10 for $5,200, Dan sent her a check for $7,000 that day]. That was supposed to be money that he spent on bills. He still gave it to me when I knew he shouldn't have. I shouldn't have pressured him into it. It got to the point where he was starting to get broke. Because he was an independent contractor, he feared he wouldn't have work. He started getting stressed out.

"That's when I decided that working at Macaroni Grill was wasting my time. I need to do what will make me money. He even knew that I needed to do porn. He said, yeah, maybe you can help me pay some bills. I said, yeah. We're a team now. I'll help you pay some bills.

"One reason that I got a job at Macaroni Grill was that I didn't know anybody in Valencia [where she lived with Dan]. I became lonely being in this big house all by myself. I spent money too easily because that was my comfort. I weeded the garden and I mowed the lawn. I was this all-American housewife. I was learning how to cook. There wasn't one person that I saw on a regular basis. Then he bought me a dog. Eventually, I said, dude, I need to get a job to just talk to people."

Who have you worked for in the past three weeks?

"Digital Playground. Metro. Smash. Cal Exotics photo shoot. I did a blowjob for Zero Tolerance. I've had an interview with AVN. They went down to one of my shoots."

What is it like shooting again?

"It's a whole new vibe. It's therapeutic for me. It's something I really love doing. I feel like there's purpose in it. I'm meeting cool people and working with good companies. I'm trying to put 110% of my energy into doing a good job. I want to do well. Knowing that there is nothing now to hold me back. I don't have a boyfriend now. It's just fun for me now. There's no holding me back."

We talk about her breast job.

"Dan sent me a $7,000 check. It's ironic how it turned out. I got boobs out of it. I have a whole new look now. It's like a fresh new start."

Why do you love porn so much?

"I feel like I can express myself. I want to be the personality in porn. I want to be someone that can represent porn. I really wouldn't mind, honestly, to be the next Jenna or have people recognize me. I love fans. I love to be recognized. I love conventions. It's not working a normal life. It's not like that. I'm totally into not being like everybody else. All my life I was always the person who went out of their way to have their own identity. Everyone that I went to school with in middle school and high school, when they found out I was doing porn, they were not surprised.

"There was a time, a good nine months before I started doing porn, that I was having sex with everybody. I was the queen of the one night stands. I had sex with about 50 different guys in nine months. I was blowing people everywhere. I was the most outrageous slut whore. I didn't care who was watching. I didn't care about anything. I just wanted to get some."

What was your relationship like with your father growing up?

"I was always a daddy's girl. We were always on the same page. We were each other's escape from our family. Whenever we were having problems with my mother or my sister, we would go out to dinner. We were a team. We were partners. We are still each other's best friend.

"Our family has been split in half. I haven't spoken to my sister in four years [when Eva's parents divorced] along with my mom. I don't know where either one of them are, nor do I care to find out.

"I need at least one man in my life and that's my dad. I don't know what I would do if my dad died."

What does your dad think of your porn career?

"I have a dildo contract. I get checks sent to his house. He put the name of the company and what it could be for and put two and two together. He's not an idiot. I started watching porn by watching his porn.

"He said to me, I don't want to go on some porn web site and see you there. 'So don't go on any porn web sites, buddy.'

"He said, just don't do anything that your kids won't be proud of. I said, I'm going to make sure that my kids are proud of me.

"He knows I work all the time. I call him to Mapquest where I'm going to be going that day. He knows how much money I'm making.

"He's a sexual being himself. We've always been open about that kind of stuff."

What kind of crowd did you hang out with high school?

"I hung out with everybody. Everyone knew me. I didn't want to be put in one category. Everybody liked me."

Thanks for talking to me.

"I loved the opportunity to give you my story."

Nietzsche posts to ADT:

Eva Angelina: I humbly ask for your forgiveness for anything hurtful that I many have posted on this board in a moment stupidity. I'm sorry I didn't think about what I said before I said and hope that even if you don't forgive me, that you have a long and glorious career just like you boyfriend would have liked.

Eva Angelina posts to Nietzche on ADT: "i understand that we are living in a world where people like to play sick games. you always do have to question who you really are writing to on the internet. what you had written wasn't to me, it was written for the person posing to be me. when i saw that people where questioning my thoughts on what i am going through i knew that i needed to clear up what is real and what is false. i forgive you. with no hard feelings. thanks a lot for all your support."

Tim Case replies to my questions:

Rigger Dan Beard...was a good friend of mine and Felicia's, someone we spent time with both at home in LA and on the road when he was touring with Ozzfest. We introduced him to friends, laughed with him, hung out on the tour bus with him, shared food and drinks and a lot of laughs with him.

He was one of the nicest guys you'd ever want to meet, and I hate to think he might've killed himself over a broken relationship with a 19 year old.

I met him last spring...I assume that's before he was with her, though I don't know for certain when they met.

He was always pleasant and happy, a hardworking guy who everyone enjoyed spending time with. Always happy to be alive, happy to be clean and sober, and happy to see old friends.

No, this is not something that any of his friends expected, I wouldn't think. All his friends in adult entertainment, as well as his friends in rock and roll, are shocked and upset by what happened.

Here's an online memorial for Daniel Donaldson "Rigger Dan" Beard.

11/30/04

Ivor Biggun writes on ADT:

Eva, I've seen the confirmation of your identity on Luke's site and I must say how sorry I am for ever doubting you.

What you have been through is a terrible ordeal. I can only imagine the grief of losing your other half. It took me a while, but now I think I understand what you were saying. Dan sacrificed himself for the greater good. Now that you have been able to put this excess baggage behind you, your talent can truly blossom and bring joy to so many around the world.

I concur with DP jones's suggestion that you try the harder stuff. I think to truly honor his memory your career needs to step up a gear. The best way to achieve this is to push things to the limit with rough sex, anal, ATM, ATOGM, DAP and GS. Remember that most people watch porn to see the remarkable things, not the mundane sex they can get at home.

Also, remember that porn producers are pretty reasonable people. I'm pretty sure that if ask nicely, some will let you say some words of remembrance at the start or end of a scene. You might even get them to put a dedication on the box cover. Consider sending copies to his parents to show them how much you loved their son - your dedication to making his memory live on might just win them over. And finally, if while performing a particularly demanding scene you ever have a moment of doubt, just remember that Dan would have wanted it this way.

It's ironic really, because I was one of the people who was most doubtful of Eva's account. I finally realise that I was wrong, accept my mistake and come round to her way of thinking... then get accused of sarcasm by someone who was ready to accept her account without question. I suppose I can't blame you - I deserve this skepticism for my previous negative attitude.

Dan's parents have already rejected Eva in the clearest terms possible. Of course there's no guarantee that they will ever come around, but the way I see it, showing them the work she is doing as a beautiful tribute to their son is the only hope she has of winning them over. It can't make things any worse than they already are.

It's great to see that Eva is performing with renewed vigour now that she has this divine mission motivating her.

I had a thought. How about a movie called "Requiem for Dan", starring Eva doing different sex acts for the first time in each scene? She could start off by explaining the situation, then through each scene the action would get progressively harder. At the end of the last scene, after she chokes down her final mouthful of felched cum and piss, she squints up at the camera through her smeared makeup and says "I did it all for you Dan, rest in peace my love."

Does any producer feel like picking this up?