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Hispanic Alicia Rio, who says she was born 2/16/70, entered porn at the end of 1990. She appeared in over 200 pornos between 1991 and '96 before descending into alcoholism. She won the FOXE Fan Favorite award in 1995 and 1996, and was nominated by AVN twice for Best Actress. She's appeared in a few music videos and mainstream movies.

"Hispanic girls can be innocent and sweet (Carmel) or tomboys (Francesca Le)," writes Pat Riley, "but Alicia represents the...dumpy coarse female you usually find pregnant, pushing a baby carriage with two toddlers in town - and you wonder how the male she's with could get it up for her." (X-Rated Videotape Guide #4, p. 404)

By contrast, agent Reb Sawitz in 10/98 remembered Rio as "smoking hot."

In November, 1995, Alicia's husband Steve Houston tried cocaine. His heart began racing 200 beats a minute and Steve - with his life on the line - was rushed to an emergency room where he was brought down with help of a large dose of the tranquilizer Valium.

Early the next morning the ex-cop woke up groggy and pushed himself to drive to the airport to pick up Alicia. On the way he fell asleep, and drove into a couple hiking along the wrong side of the road in the dark.

The collision awoke Steve from his Valium-induced stupor and he got out of his car unhurt to see the remains of the couple splattered across the road.

Acting on the advice of his attorney, Steve has had no contact with the family of the victims.

Steve received several years probation for killing the couple.

Alicia and Steve's marriage went into a tailspin after the fatal accident. Said Alicia in January, 1996: "It made us realize it was time to change our habits." (AVN 3/96 p.180)

Rio, disowned by her family for doing porn, has, according to various sources, been doing huge quantities of cocaine and other drugs. AVN 9/96: "After blowing several dance gigs in a row, and in one case destroying her hotel room on the road, Alicia Rio tried to commit suicide by jumping out her hotel window. Fortunately, the strong glass prevented her six-story leap. But when security entered the room to check out the disturbance, they found Rio slicing at her abdomen with a glass shard."

Rio told me 10/20/98: "You know how rock n'rollers thrash hotels? Well, I fell asleep in the bathtub. The water overflowed and caused damage. When the security came, I had just woken up. And when I got out of the tub, I cut my hand. And that's it. I did not try to commit suicide. I love myself."

Rio was kept in a mental institution for several months before being released in October of 1996. "I went through some treatments," Rio admitted 10/98. "I had emotional imbalance. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't have God in my life."

Steve and Alicia struggled to get their lives and marriage back together while they battled their addictions to various drugs including GHB - the new designer drug that makes many who take it feel horny.

GHB was an over-the-counter product until the early '80s when it was removed by the FDA. It's particularly popular with body builders. The drug is neither legal or illegal. In this country GHB is mixed with water and sold in little plastic bottles. When mixed with other drugs, GHB can cause seizures and death. GHB is thought to have been poured into a drink that actor River Phoenix consumed at the Viper Club on his final evening. Less than 20 minutes later, he collapsed into seizures on the sidewalk outside the club and died.

A man posted on the alt.sex.prostitution newsgroup in November 1997 about his encounter with Alicia. "I was in New York City last week and called the number I found on the net for Alicia Rio. Her husband answered and said she also was in New York City. He said she got kicked out of her hotel and had nowhere to stay. He said she has a severe alcohol and drug problem and is living on the streets in NYC. Her husband asked if I could help her. He sent me to the phone booth she was using. When I got there, I didn't even recognize her. She looked like a bag lady. She was high on something and was not talking clearly. I gave her some cash and left."

The post was later substantiated by others.

Rio told me 10/20/98: "That is true, except the drug part. I was living in New York. They broke into my hotel and stole all my possessions, my address book, my I.D.. I had nothing left. Yeah, I was asking for money. I wasn't prostituting or anything. I was on the street for a couple of days and then my friend Ray helped me out. I've never had problems with crack cocaine. No."

Other stories circulating about Rio include the time in mid 1997 she was on a plane from Chicago to Louisville KY and supposedly lit up a joint. The flight attendants told the captain who returned to O'Hare where she was arrested. Also during 1997, Alicia overdosed in Atlanta at the 9 1/2 Weeks party, and was taken out on a stretcher, says Mike South. Mike also hear that she supposedly overdosed during the Erotic Dancer Expo in Las Vegas. Again, an ambulance rushed in to rescue her. Rio says that she passed out due to lack of food in her system and exhaustion, and not because of drugs.

"Rio is one girl who has no business in this business," says Mike. "If you have to be f---ed up to do this line of work you shouldn't be doing it."

A November 1997 post on RAME: "According to her husband, Alicia is now in prison. She is still mentally irrational and will be in prison for awhile. He actually feels that if this had not happened, she could have suffered worst consequences being out in the street. According to him, she has lost everything. She can no longer get work in the dance circuit or in the video industry. The reason she was in NYC was for escort gigs she had lined up via the internet. Yet, she is apparently in bad shape and the work evaporated once she arrived there."

AVN 1-98: Bob Krotts aka Dirty Bob received a call from a New York psychic who told him he got his number from an itemized phone bill which he found in a pile of trash. "Sensing something amiss, the psychic began calling the numbers on the bill… He also bought trash including a suitcase and other items belonging to Alicia Rio, which were found in a dumpster on East 9th Street in New York City. Included among the items were car keys, personal photos, cancelled checks, insurance cards, ID's, clothes and more… According to Betty Harper, one of Rio's last known business associates, these items matched everything Rio was carrying when Harper last saw her in October."

Rio told the 2-98 AVN that she was in New York for a stripping gig and her belongings were stolen. She says she's trying to overcome her alcohol and drug problems and hopes to be back in the sex business this year.

Someone who seemed to know, posted on RAME in March, 1998: "Alicia is doing much better now. While it is true that she was homeless and living on the streets in New York City, it was just for a short time. It was due to the fact that she had a severe problem with alcohol and was not taking her prescribed medication for psychological problems. Thisall happened in the fall of 97. While in NYC, she was arrested for theft and spent some time in the women's jail on Rikers Island. In January, she was released and returned home to California to live with her parents.

"At present, she is clean and sober and is attempting to deal with her life away from the porn business. It is a day-to-day struggle for her and hopefully she will succeed."

AVN 4-98: "Currently living with her parents in Los Angeles, Alicia said she is trying to get her life back together after hitting rock bottom in New York City where she was, for a time, a bag lady. "It's true. Bums were offering me coffee and I was sleeping on the street. I hit rock bottom. It was bad, and I feared for my life." She particularly thanks her parents and friends who have brought her back from the brink. "But I need a lot of help," said Rio, who last made an adult feature in August 1995… "I started to drink, got lost and began doing drugs. I was lost in a cold lonely city and began begging for food."

Rio wants to return to porn. "I love the attention."

I met Alicia at the 4/98 Erotica LA show where she walked around smiling in the company of her strapping new friend Ray.

I finally talked to her in depth 10/20/98. She spoke from a pay phone while her car was getting fixed. We began by going over her biography above. Alicia denied some of it, especially the drug charges. Rio says she never did drugs like cocaine and heroin.

"I am not a flash in the pan," said Alicia. "I want to be in this business for life. I took some time off to take care of some family problems… I went through a divorce in 6/16/97 [from her husband of 12 years Steve Houston. They'd been together since Rio was 14.]. I lost my house, my car, my motor home and all the little toys and lost respect for myself and got into alcohol. My parents helped me through that and I had a spiritual awakening. Hahaha. A slap in the face from God. I've been sober since 8/27/98.

"I've been through some baloney but I want to talk more about the positive.

"Are you spiritual?"

Luke: "Yeah."

Alicia: "Then you know what I'm talking about. When I say 'thank God,' I don't mean born again. I'll always be Alicia Rio and hot and nasty. By finding God, it means that I've found a proper way of living where I'm not hurting others or myself… I'm not abusing substances. I'm drinking a lot of water. I'm going to school four days a week.

"[In the fall of 1997]I didn't have a place to go. First they put me in jail, because they did not know where to put me. Then they put me in an institution, only because I did not have anywhere to go or anyone to call. Until Ray came for me.

"I've lived with my parents for the past ten months. They've been a tremendous source of support. I'm better now.

"I'm in school to become a dental assistant because I have such an oral fixation. I just say that, (laugh)… I will still dance and carry on the Alicia Rio name. I'm a very intelligent woman and I just had to go back to school to get my brain functioning again. I'm learning about the mouth. Luke, it's incredible how God made us. All the nerves. All the arteries and everything in our bodies how it works together so that we can breathe. The way the heart works. All the things that are damaging to our system that I didn't know. It's a nine month program followed by internships at USC and UCLA. I will have diplomas from USC Dentistry and UCLA Dentistry which is a high honor."

Luke: "Getting back to your spiritual turnaround, is this part of an organized religion?"

Alicia: "I was raised Catholic. I go to Church but it is not the Church that's keeping me sober. It's the personal relationship I have with God. God is my priority. My family is second. I'm third.

"My relationship with my family is good. They are very proud of my recuperation. We pray together. I really do believe that the family that prays together, stays together. And I have such strong family values. I want to have three children, two boys and a girl.

"I don't talk to my family about my work in the adult business. That's one reason I go to school. So that they know that I am progressing and that I don't just make my money from opening my legs. I'm a very intelligent woman. I've got a mind for business and a body for sex. I told my mother the other day, 'it's not my fault that God made me so sexy.' I'm a big flirt, like my mother.

"I have two brothers and three sisters and they are all successful. I'm fourth in the birth order."

Alicia will dance at her home club Exotica at 15619 Valley Blvd in the City of Industry on November 19-21.

Rio says JD Entertainment manages her web site (www.secretdesires.com) and fan club (1840 South Gaffey St., #165, San Pedro, CA 90731.) 626-459-9821.

Rio plans to develop her own video series. "I have so many ideas that will transpire, like a book. Writing my own story. 'The True Adventures of a XXX Adult Movie Star.' It will be filled with sexy stories and true stories. I'm also going to have my own lingerie line and my own company, Rio World or Mundo de Alicia, which will have a latin flavor. And only new girls will be in these movies. I will be the Ed Powers of the latin business. And only I can do it. If Alicia Rio doesn't do it, no one can. The latin market is mine.

"I have experience in management and my friend Raymond Andrew Wright (RAW) will help me."

Rio's friend Ray plans to move soon to California.

"On Labor Day weekend, I did an excellent [Metro] video [Misty Cam 4] with Misty Rain, Jennifer, Inari, Marc Davis, Ian Daniels and Chad (Misty's husband). We went to Lake Havasue in Arizona and had a ball.

"I have to share this with you, Luke. One of the main reasons that I got into the adult business was that I love sex. I got bored with the business. I was a contract girl with Video Team for a short time but it got political. It wasn't fun anymore. Money disputes. I don't do this business for the money. I do it because I love f---ing sex. I'm hot and I'm nasty and I like to share.

"I did an awesome group scene with Marc Davis, Ian Daniels and Jennifer. And the scenery was so beautiful. God's nature was our background… I had all the girls stick a finger up my pussy. Jabbing me. Feeling so good. We turned around and spanked Monique, and spit in her ass, and did all this nasty sex. I ended with a threeway with Marc Davis and Ian Daniels. They plugged every hole I had."

Luke: "Wow. You did a DP."

Rio: "No. I'm saving that for my own series."

Luke: "Did you do anal?"

Rio: "No, I only do anal with Ray. I have to keep something sacred."

Luke: "Is he going to work with you on camera?"

Rio: "I don't know. He's a professional businessman. Maybe if he wears a President Clinton mask. And I'll be Monica Lewinsky. Something nasty like that. He definitely can't show his face. But if I do A he will definitely be the stunt cock.

"I used to do A with my ex-husband Steve Houston, and with Johnathan Morgan, who used to be my roommate.

"Various companies like Video Team and Sin City have offered me work but so far that's the only video I've done [since 1995]."

On 2/10/99, I received this gossip traced to Bianca Trump from a poster named Troublemaker: "Alicia Rio was almost arrested in Corpus Cristi Texas at the airport when flight attendants called ahead to the airport police because she was intoxicated and vomiting in the isle of the plane."

Alicia Rio totally denies this story. Rio suspects that fellow porn star Bianca Trump is behind this malicious gossip. Trump on IRC chat a couple of weeks ago said that Rio had died of a heroin overdose. Then several days ago she repeated on IRC chat at Porn Star Trading this story about Rio's drinking.

Troublemaker: "Zack Adam aided in her [Rio] rescue along with Sunset Thomas and Bionca Trump. They assumed responsibility for her. Upon arriving at the hotel she annoyed the front desk so badly that they threatened to throw all the features out. Incidentally her phone had to be removed from her room. After that didn't resolve the problem she was taken from the hotel to a unknown location to "sober up" .When Alicia went to feature at the club she apparently had customers ordering her drinks because Sunset and Zack had told their bartenders not to serve her.While the owner Sunset Thomas herself was on stage Alicia was so intoxicated she was on a customers lap masturbating herself during Sunsets show.(Which is way illegal in the "no touch, only topless, Texas.") She was apparently immediately escorted while kicking and crying through the crowd and out the door in
her dance getup still and taken back to the hotel per Zack Adams. The features spent the rest of the night apologizing to all that saw the incident. Zack said she was seen leaving the hotel several hours later with a "customer" who had bought her drinks all night with all her belongings. "

Recovering alcoholic porner Alicia Rio totally denies this story that she, Rio, was drunk and disorderly at a stripping gig in Corpus Christi, Texas, two weeks ago.

Another source: "Alicia Rio wants to jump start her career again in 1999, but she first must address the 2 DUI's from 1998. The second one, in late October, will put her in jail for about 6 months - and she goes to court next week for the first DUI and she hasn't come close to finishing her community service time for that offense. Plus she has big fines to pay on both. Jail time might be the best thing for her now before she self-destructs."

9/16/99

Thursday afternoon Luke received a phone message. "This is Alicia Rio. I just wanted to bring you up to date. I am now dancing at the Star Strip at 365 N. La Cienega Blvd, Beverly Hills, CA, 90048....310-652-1741. I'm working nights and sometimes days..."

Rio coughs, then continues: "Under the name of Alicia... You can put that on the website and I'll get some customers because Alicia Rio can be found dancing at the Star Strip...Ok, you can put that get a sexy, hot lapdance from her... Not just one, but two, or three or four or five or twenty... Ok, I need to make some money baby because I need to get my boobies redone... Because it's a health reason. The silicone is on the verge of breakage. I've had my boobs for 13 years and they have to be removed. So I need to make money. I no longer do movies. I no longer do escort. So I'm trying to make money the honest way. I don't sell my body for sex any longer. It's worth a billion dollars baby. Come and see me at the Star Strip, guaranteed."

10/14/99

Harley Fire Sex Lounge

I appeared live on the Harley's Sex Lounge cable access show October 14 with Club magazine contract girl Angel Veil (along with Janine and Jenna Jameson) and ex-porn star Alicia Rio.

Angel: "I was shooting three layouts a day for three weeks... And Club magazine discovered me... I won this Disappearing Lingerie contest..."

Alicia: "I went to Fairbanks, Alaska for 30 days. I was looking at a club called Reflections that I might invest in and call, "Reflections of Rio."

Harley requests blaring rock background music which fills the rest of the show.

Alicia: "I've been on Luke F-rd's site and I have to admit that everything he wrote on there, because I did go through a bad period, is all true. He gets the facts down."

Harley Fire: "Luke gets a lot of flak from people. Some people want to kill him."

Alicia: "Oh sure, that's because they don't want to admit the truth. He gets down, the truth, the nitty gritty."

Harley: "Luke, where do you get your information?"

Luke: "From people like Alicia Rio, who call me up and tell me what is going on. From people who know Alicia Rio, fans of Alicia Rio who say, 'Hey, I saw her at this club and she put on a great show. She put on a bad show.' I talk to people in the industry, from company owners to performers..."

Mike: "I wanted to know if you Harley had ever been in adult movies?"

Harley: "For thepornosexlounge.com."

Veil: "I've talked to Vivid Video, Peter North, Private... There was a time when I was thinking of doing adult movies, but it is a career... Every single day... If you're under contract, you have to do X number of movies... I do other things. I act, I do spokesmodelling... I opened an adult toy line..."

Harley brings out a huge clear dildo.

Harley: "I want to ask Luke, who were some of your role models growing up? Was this the industry you were looking to get into?"

Luke laughs. "No it wasn't."

Harley: "You could be on Entertainment Tonight or the E! Channel..."

Luke: "My background is in journalism... As a teenager, I wanted to get into TV news... My heroes as a kid were Winston Churchill, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln along with Biblical figures like Moses and King David.

"My father is a Christian theologian and I was raised deeply in religion... My writing today is a form of rebellion... Even though I still lead a fairly religious life, I am in touch with wanting to put moral boundaries behind you and just indulge. It's this tension between what my religion demands of me and what my testosterone demands of me that gives my site its neurotic flavor."

Alicia Rio: "I wanted to agree with Luke. You can be spiritual and be in this business of sin."

Caller: "I was wondering why you guys never have really good looking women on your show?"

Harley cuts him off.

Alicia: "My role models are strong dominant women like Madonna and Cher..."

Caller: "Hello Harley. You've talked to me before. I think you called me 'Enema Boy' once. I wanted to ask...the Mexican gal in white [Alicia Rio]... Was there ever a time when she thought she could take it upon herself to put out for her fan club a private enema video for some of us caca fans. Harley, I'd really like to see you put out an enema video. In fact, I'd like to give you an enema myself. See you put out a real f---ing..."

Harley: "Luke, how important is sex to you? Do you have a normal girlfriend?"

Luke: "This industry has considerably diminished my sexual appetite. I used to have this great dream of illicit sex with lots of women and then I got into this industry and saw what that did to people. Now I just want to get married, monogamous, lights out, missionary position... White picket fence, kids..."

Caller: "That guy in the suit [Luke] is a fruitcake."

Harley: "Our good friend Tony Montana is HIV positive. I saw that on your site Luke and was completely shocked..."

Angel discusses the type of men she finds attractive. "I like the bad boy... It used to be that what I was attracted to and what I dated were two totally different things... I dated the suit-wearing guy who gets perfect grades while peaking at the guy with all tattoos. I love tattoos and piercings..."

Angel's fiance has long hair down to his waist as well as piercings and tattoos.

Rio says she looks for a man who is in the military.

Harley: "Luke, what do you look for in the opposite sex?"

Luke: "I look for someone conventional because I'm the artistic eccentric type. Someone who will go to synagogue with me on Saturday. Someone to raise my kids. A white tablecloth and candles on Friday night... Someone intelligent who I have chemistry with..."

Harley: "You're not going to find any of that in this industry." A caller asks if there are male fluffer for female porn stars?

Luke: "No..."

Alicia: "Why not?"

Luke: "And there aren't female fluffers for male porn stars either... Why not? Because women, frankly, aren't required to do that much in a porn film. She lies there and get pronged..."

Alicia: "Check out my latest video... Misty Cam 4. I really worked my ass off.

"I'm only having sex with myself right now. I don't have the need to perform in front of the camera anymore. I don't have a boyfriend right now... I'm just on this self-growth... I just choose to have sex with my Jeff Stryker dildo."

Harley: "Just ten seconds left, Luke what advice would you give to someone in the industry?"

Luke caught unprepared: "To get out."

Alicia: "Use a condom and get your tests."

Angel: "Read everything before you sign it."

Luke: "What happened between you and Alicia Rio?"

Domonique Simone: "I invited Alicia Rio to my house in November of 1998 to see my baby. My baby was born in October. She came over, met my baby's father, slipped him her number... And started calling him. Well, me and my baby's father had a huge fight over this. It totally split up my family. My son is now with my mother.

"It created a big custody battle because the police came and took my son from me. Placed my son with my mother.

"So Alicia moved in with my baby's father and tried to get him to marry her so she could take my child from me. And this is a girl that I have known for nine years. I was there for her when she was on the streets. I was there for her when she threw herself out the window. I was always there for her and I couldn't believe that she'd do something like that to me.

"He finally realized what type of person she was and he ended up having to throw her out of his house. And when he tried to throw her out of his house, she tore up his house and kicked her foot through his window. And he had to call the police [in November of 1998]. Then, when the police came, she told them that he beat her up. So he ended up going to jail. I ended up having to go get him out of jail and get him an attorney. And it was a big big mess. Then she went to the police and said that he beat her up and he had to go through all of this stuff and she just caused a big disaster for my family. And this all came about from me inviting her over to see my son. This girl who I thought was my best friend.

"That made me relapse [into cocaine use]. It totally devastated me. My son was with my mother. Me and my baby's father were battling in court. It corrupted my life. She called me and told me how she was sorry and how she wanted to be my friend and could I forgive her. But I could never forgive someone that destroyed my family. I would never have done anything like that to her.

"I was reading this stuff on your site and all the things she says about this and that and she is so full of s---. Nobody really knows the real Alicia Rio. She's an evil vindictive person. Anyone that would try to take your child away from you, after being your friend for nine years, just because of a fling she had with the baby's father for a week, is a very vindictive person."

Alicia Rio Runs Against AIDS

6/28/01

I've received letters enquiring about Hispanic ex-porn star Alicia Rio. I spoke to her Wednesday afternoon and she's fine.

I received a letter from her seeking sponsorship of her run in the Honululu Marathon on December 9. You can visit the Training Program's web site www.adismarathon.com to donate on her behalf (runner number 0651).

"This program is certainly the most arduous physical challenge I've ever faced," writes Rio. "As you can imagine, I've spent many evenings nursing my sore knees with ice packs and ibuprofen. But I can't think of a better way to do something to help in the fight against AIDS."

Luke: "How's Alicia Rio?"

Alicia: "She's not around anymore. No, I'm just kidding. I'm not doing the feature entertaining anymore. I'm not doing the dancing anymore. I'm just being normal."

Luke: "That's good."

Alicia: "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I am doing very well and taking care of my spirit and my sobriety. I am doing the AIDS marathon."

Luke: "Have you been training for that?"

Alicia: "Absolutely. I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. I train at the gym and also run. Every week we do paced runs. The first week, June 9th, we did three miles. And every week we increase one mile. So this Saturday will be six miles. And the total marathon is 26.2 miles."

Luke: "When I was eleven years old, I finished five marathons. My best time was four hours."

Alicia: "Wow. I have completely abandoned my adult career however I am going to do a special appearance at the FOXE Awards July 15th. It will be my last appearance for a while. I'll be passing out some flyers. Getting some sponsorships."

2/20/05

I interview Alicia Rio. She takes my tape recorder and says: "Hi, this is Alicia Rio, legendary XXX adult hall of famer. Thanks for asking. I'll be doing my comeback movie soon for Video Team. They're my favorite. A boy-girl with Mr. Marcus. Back to my horniness. I need to express it."

Duke: "So what have you been doing the past four years?"

Alicia: "Getting sober. Going to my NA (Narcotics Anonymous) and AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings and sharing my experience. You can be a porn star but be sober. I've been dancing at the Blue Zebra in Los Angeles.

"You can catch me on AliciaRio.com."

Duke: "How's your health?"

Alicia: "Most excellent. Thank you for asking.

"I just had a birthday. I'm going to look better at 40 than I did at 20."

Duke: "What's it like growing older?"

Alicia: "I find I have to sleep a lot more, but other than that, I'm as horny as ever."

Duke: "What do you like and not like about growing older?"

Alicia: "I love the wisdom that I'm gaining and the conscious sober decisions I'm making on a daily basis and the power to say no.

"I'm early in my sobriety. I'm only five months on the 25th of this month."

Every time I've talked to Alicia over the past six years, she's been getting sober.

Duke: "Did you have to make new friends or lose friends?"

Alicia: "I had to drop old friends. They were still smoking marijuana. Even though I was still sober from alcohol, I was still smoking marijuana. I found marijuana hard to stop. I stopped everything. Even Tylenol PM. Even Excedrin. All I do is take my vitamin C. I juice every day. Carrot, celery and apple. I use my juicer three times a day.

"I ran a marathon in Hawaii and raised $3,000 for the AIDS foundation. It was 26.2 miles and the .2 was the hardest, because you're almost there but you're not there. It took me eight hours, 32 minutes and 26 seconds. I play those numbers on the lottery, along with my birthday 2/16.

"Unfortunately, I was not here [at the FOXE Awards] last year but I've been here every year since. I love FOXE. I love my fans. I wouldn't be the superstar I am without the fans. I love everybody.

"I am in a stable relationship of four years with my girlfriend Lisa."

I look at Alicia's Hispanic friend.

"It's going on four years. We're sober together."

Lisa aka Lacy Lee seems to act as Alicia's caretaker. Lisa seems maternal about Alicia.

"We have sex three times a day," says Alicia. "She's the best husband I've ever had. But I still love men. That's why I do my private shows and my couch dances. You don't even have to wear a condom. I'll ground you right there."