Reddit users, who have also been involved in the porn industry or dated people therein, took to the boards to discuss what they learned about love and relationships while on the job. Below are a few of the best answers that shed a little light on what dating in the porn industry is like:
1. Mind over body
The adult business has taught me that the physical can be very much separate from the emotional/mental. You can be totally in love with someone, have sex with someone else that means literally nothing to you emotionally, and still love the person you’re with. You start to value the emotional/mental side of things more, and see the physical as really kind of trivial.
2. Sex and Intimacy are not the same thing
What happens in front of the camera is a job, and it has actually made me appreciate even more the qualities of a “real” relationship. I’ve seen enough hot girls and hardcore action that when I meet a new girl, I can quickly get past good looks and try to find substance to them…there’s a lot to be said when you show true intimacy, and make it all about your partner, not about yourself. That alone will carry a relationship further than being able to go hard for hours on end. So how has it affected my views? It helped define what really works in a relationship, and separate sex and love.
3. Jealousy can arise
My SO has a lot of trust but when it comes down to the bedroom he is constantly questioning his confidence. He is always asking what they looked like, or how big they were, or if I got turned on during the shoot. For me it’s nothing more than a job, but for him it’s becoming a deal breaker….
4. BDSM has consequences
I did some fetish stuff, I expected like latex, and fuzzy handcuffs, but what I got was some seriously fucked up stuff. ropes, whips, electro, breath play. For the first few shoots everything was fine enough, but after time, you know its fake, but the screams get to you. I found afterwards I had trouble falling asleep, my family (who had no idea where I worked) noticed a change in my attitude. I still wake up at night seeing it from time to time.
5. Greater respect for women
It changed my view of women and actually made me more respectful towards women in general. Seeing what some would be doing for a job both because the necessity and for those who just did it. Those who do it out of necessity had bigger goals and were trying to get to it, while those who just did were in a very competitive job to actually make a big name. A lot of female friends said they notice maturity and knowledge towards them and their issues. It was life changing as well, losing the notion that love at first sight happens and realizing it is just lust at first sight/infatuation.
6. Sometimes sex is just sex
The entire experience made me realize that sex doesn’t always have an emotional connection for women. Sometimes it is what it is. You really start to appreciate the emotional connection and learn what a relationship is really about. Acceptance, honesty, fighting through tough times together, appreciating the good times, teaching/learning, giving, etc. Being with someone in porn taught me a lot as well as building security within myself.
7. There’s a lot of bad sex
I had a stint working directly with the owner of a major porn studio doing compliance work. It’s a business. A business solely designed to make as much money as possible. That’s all anyone there cares about. It’s not about sex, or intimacy, or love. Indeed, it’s anathema to those concepts. Frankly, I find it stunning that people jack off to mainstream porn. Absent a few present, aware performers, the vast bulk has such a palpable sense of… disengagement. Of falsity. If you’ve ever had real sex – as in, connected, deep, present, embodied hotness – you can smell the disconnect.
8. It can expose the strength of a relationship
If some guy on a porn set can entice my girlfriend to develop greater feelings for him in the couple hours they’re working together, than I’ve been able to in our whole relationship, then it probably isn’t meant to be anyway.