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New Tour Explores L.A.'s X-Rated Movie Scene
L-ke Ford's Magical Mystery Porn Valley Tour Needing some extra dough to romance Hebrew Honeys, I've decided to start up a Porn Valley Tour. The first one will be exclusively for the media later this month (Monday, June 25 at 10AM). Participants will pile into the back of my beaten van while I drive you around all the important porn sites in Los Angeles. Porners who'd like to host some media and show them their facilities, should Email Luke. I also need more suggestions on how to go about this tour. Which places should we see aside from my apartment? Chaim Amalek writes: See, one of the benefits of dating a jewess is the motivation to become prosperous that it provides. To date the jewess is to spend lots of money, and if you are to come by that money honestly you will have to work smarter and harder, at least until you marry and impregnate her. The porn tour is not such a bad idea. Kenny Kramer, the putative model for the character "Cosmo Kramer" of the jewish Seinfeld show made a mint for himself with his "Seinfeld Reality Tour" in Manhattan. You can do the same with porn-star tours in LA, but I suggest you charge more money for it. Tours should include aids clinics, the local bus depot where many a porn star was discovered, the Larry Flynt building, etc. And each tour should end at the Museum of Tolerance. Tell folks that you will be waiting for them right behind the door labeled "tolerant" to give the unsatisfied among them refunds. I suspect that in no time at all, you will have to rent some large buses to handle the spurt in business. Time to prove that you really are worthy of Honey's jewish genes by making this go. Now, some of the pornets will object to having their homes on the tour. Not surprising, as all big stars value their privacy - Hollywood or Valley, it's all the same, no? As for giving out their real names too, this is more troubling. On the other hand, if everyone thinking of going into porn knew that you would quickly strip them of their false identities, perhaps fewer innocent young Christian girls would be defiled at the hands of swarthy, bagel-eating, greedy porners. Clearly there are good arguments on both sides, but I think I come down on the side of NOT divulging the christian names of these young women. Lynne writes: Luke, I like your idea of a porn tour. So many of the manufacturers have tried so hard to be discreet about their locations, and you could ruin that for them instantly. You could start in the West Valley and finish in Laurel Canyon at the site of the Wonderland Massacre. In between, I would suggest a stop at a distributor, because the sight of thousands of videotapes piled on shelves is very impressive, and a stop at World Modeling, because the sight of dozens of porners piled on the sofa is very impressive. For an extra $5, your guests will receive a genuine World Modeling Polaroid of themselves in the nude (a great souvenir for the family photo album, don't you think?) For another $5.00, the Deluxe Tour could include a visit to an actual porn shoot. You will have to kick back some of that money to the producer, but it would be welcomed. Many porn shoots no longer have room in their budgets for condoms, so not only would you be exploiting the performers, but doing something really valuable at the same time, like keeping them alive. NJG says your driving is really atrocious, and, since you have few enough true fans as it is, I hesitate to consign them to the back of your van. Your van is more suited to smuggling illegal aliens who don't care about such niceties as seat belts, door handles or air conditioning. And you do not speak Japanese, so you will need an adorable Asian "I'm really a molecular biologist" porn cutie riding shotgun to interpret for you. Arrange to stop at your favorite valley eating place and let your tour group purchase lunch. The restaurant will kick back a free lunch for you (although skipping lunch for a bit might not be a bad idea, Luke. There's not a big market for pudgy TV personalities.) Maybe they'll even name a sandwich after you. The L-ke Ford special. The contents of that sandwich escape me, though -- does anyone have any ideas? After visiting Wonderland and leading the group in a moment of silent prayer, you can drop off your group at the Hollywood Greyhound Bus Depot, so they can get the true perspective on what it's like to step off the bus when future porn stars arrive in Los Angeles to embark upon their new careers. Plus they can get home from there. Mdl writes: Lox and schmaltz on a rye loaf -- open faced. Just think, you could arrange the shinny pink lox in an attractive shape and drizzle the schmaltz over the top. There could be variations: The L-ke Ford Sister - roast beef instead of the lox. Helpful writes: Other possible interesting stops on Luke's Porn Tour include: The actual corner on Santa Monica Boulevard where Matt Ramsey was discovered by his first porn producer / trick. The front of the Larry Flynt building where XXX mercilessly bitch slapped poor Luke (and with one hand tied behind his back too). The scene of the infamous John Holmes "Four on the Floor" murders in Coldwater Canyon. Dave Hardman's former residence where a distraught Lynne Lopatain was arrested for stalking him with a loaded hand gun in her purse. Charlie Sheen's Malibu Manse where more new comers hit the sheets than at Ed Powers couch! The Altadena love palace where Max Hardcore makes so many lucky "cock sockets'" deepest, darkest sexual fantasies come true. The World Modeling agency where porn booking agent, Jim South and his horny associates make so many of their own deepest, darkest sexual fantasies come true. The Slums of Beverly Hills Apartments where L-ke Ford makes surprisingly few lucky young Jewish ladies' deepest, darkest sexual fantasies come true. The Los Angeles area Men's detention facility where Jack Hammer currently makes so many of his burly cellmates' deepest, darkest sexual fantasies come true. The AIM testing facility where members of Luke's Porn Tour can socialize with the charming Sharon Mitchell and receive a free blood panel analysis. The cardboard box behind the Hollywood Boulevard Stop-Go market where porn super-agent, Scotty Schwartz lives. Rob Spallone's shooting house. WARNING: Please no rummaging through the trash cans for Kendra Jade's discarded soiled panties. Luke has already done so and they are available for sale at the end of the tour. The Doc Johnson Sex Toy manufacturing facility where for $29.95 tour members may have a lifelike mold of their genitalia formed in silicone. NOTE: All silicone penises of tour members over 8 inches in length become the "intellectual property" of Doc Johnson, Inc. The Gold's Gym in Venice where AVN bull-stud, Gene Ross, works out daily. CAUTION: Ladies please refrain from touching Gene during his work out. and finally . . . The fiery gates of HELL ! ! Where all porners are destined to end up at. Remember in June all topless tour members bust size D and above get 50% off admission! Goddess writes: The pornoland tour sounds cool, but I'm wondering if you're gonna have any rides--ya know, like Disneyland?? Just curious, cause if you're gonna have a Gene Ross ride, I'm gonna be on that sucker all fucking day... BTW, "Helpful," if I can't touch Gene while he's flexing and squating, what the hell is the point?! Kaspar writes: Hey there - great idea about the bus tour. But you want to do it right! You need a bus and a driver for that bus. My cousin Hector is new here and does not know the language, but he can drive a bus, and I can get you a bus at a very good rate. Fully air conditioned, too, with a pa system so you can talk over the traffic, and new shocks. Needs a bit of work to pass inspection, but not a problem, we can take care of that. So how about it Amigo, ready to do some business? Ben writes: HI Luke, Luke! Now this is a great idea.(Porn Valley Tours) one of your best SO FAR! I phoned a few of my jewish friends, they just can't wait for you to start these tours.I would like to ask you IF? there was a Van full,could we have a group rate?Say $ 18.99.Plus,yes there are a few. Would you pick us up from LAX? You would spend not time at all picking us out,of a busy airport. We have Ski jackets on,and rubber boots on,and our faces very white,no tan at all. Now,about your apartment.Will it sleep 8 persons plus yourself?( we have to keep the cost down) One other thing! If you get real busy,and have to sub contract to Lynne,with a other Van, we would like to go with you,not Lynne.She would waste the hole day in front of David Hardman's VILA,telling us how it was,wanting us to wait until he comes home,or goes out,and would like us all to follow him. Luke,your the man,and know what we would like to see. 1)- Where you had sex with Kendra Kaspar: I spoke with my cousin Hector. First, he wants to know how many miles a day this will be. Also, he insists that you do not go to where the black people live. too dangerous. And do you really have the money to start this? Just because we are Mexican does not mean we are cheap. You get what you pay for. George writes: Luke; That Porn Valley Tour sounds like a hell of an idea. My only problem is the $20 for the tour. At present I have only a single Canadian twenty in my wallet. Would that be OK? I was also thinking that for the extra I might need, the NJG could come along and pay that, besides her own, and for that I would hold onto her and keep her safe because of your atrocious driving that she mentioned. Hell for that price I would even bring an extra pillow to put in front of her face. That would be for just before you run into something so that she doesn't get her beautiful looks ruined before marrying some rich guy that is going to keep her in the lap of luxury that she is preparing herself for. If her gorgeous face was damaged all she could hope for is some ordinary working stiff like myself. Heaven forbid that should happen! Lord Peter Luther Christian writes: Dear Mr. Ford: Speaking from the Christian perspective, there is much in your new business venture that can be laudable, provided it is executed properly. Your tour could be used to educate tourists on the dangers of perdition that come with the sin of random fornication outside of Christian marriage. Begin, as has been suggested by others, with the bus depot, the Gates to Hell where many a young girl has begun her descent to damnation. Continue to the Demon Flynt Building, where Satan first breaks many an innocent's spirit. Then continue on to the filth factories of the Valley, where the dehumanizing process proceeds apace. Be sure to visit some HIV treatment centers, and discuss the relationship between the moral diseases of pornography, feminism, sodomy, etc., and such physical diseases as HIV and hepatitis. Next stop - an abortion clinic, where unborn children brought to life in this moral sewer are masticated by the whirring blades of the abortionist's cutting tools, to the beat of a hip-hop sound track. This should be followed by a visit to the graves of the damned - porn actresses whose lives were cut short as a result of their involvement with pornography. This can be a very depressing experience, with little to commend repeat business. So you will want to end on a high note: a trip to a Christian church, where the good news of Christ everlasting, and the promise of forgiveness of even the pornographer's sin, is presented to the shocked attendees in word and song. Finally, offer baptism to all who wish it. Victory in Christ! John Douglas from TalkingBlue.com writes: Dear Lukey, I hope you got my IM where I put in for a reservation for your tour. I see it referenced that the first outing is for the media and since we are often referred to as a very watered-down version of l-keford.com I assume that I qualify as media. So once again, I am claiming a seat. I shall bring the appropriate gear (including a cell phone should you decide to ditch us all in a gang-infested barrio of East Los Angeles - which is okay with me since I have relatives in those parts). Confucy writes: You must contact the owners of Graveline Tours and pick their brains. They have one of the most popular tours on the Westside of L.A. Graveline use to make a potty stop at the park across the street from Aaron Spelling's mansion. You could drive your van into the parking lot of West Hollywood's Pleasure Chest store so people could rush in and pick up one of the most popular vibrators of this century, "the mini- massager G2 Pocket Rocket!" Drive the van to Black's Beach in Torrance so the tourists can take pictures of nude bathers. Slowly cruise Sweetzer Avenue in West Hollywood so hookers can give their calling cards to the van occupants. Take along signed copies of your book to sell to your van-fans. Keep a large supply of Kodak $10 throw-away-cameras in the back of the van which you can resell at double the price. Call Heidi Fleiss and tell her when you will be driving by so she can wave from her front yard. She can have a supply of her sexy "Heidi Wear" ready to sell, and the two of you can split the profits. The word is that Kyle Bradford bought a house on the westside. Make sure you drive by so he can sell his signed pictures, which of course, a percentage will go to the L-ke Ford Fund. Finally, drive down Lincoln Boulevard in Venice and stop at one of the hole-in-the-wall crappy looking stores with black curtains in front of the doorway. Your group can go to the back of the store and watch live sex shows. Uncovered TV Gets Luke's First Porn Tour 6/6/01 Promptly at noon there's a knock on my door and it is Randy Kagan, correspondent for Uncovered TV, formerly National Enquirer Television. A comic, he's slim and pale and wearing sunglasses with average American Jewish looks and a low key demeanor. He seems self assured. He was probably loved by his parents and he doesn't display any inner demons. He doesn't show a need to prove himself. He doesn't burn with rage. He's just prompt and professional and American and secular Jewish and from Arizona. He's successful and he lives with his fiance and he treats people well. He saw his first porn movie at age 15 at his Jewish youth group (affiliated with a very Reform temple). His parents pushed him to attend this youth group. So one day he went and they showed the movie Deep Throat. Is this a common practice with Jewish youth groups? Putative Marc writes: "When I was 14 attending a youth group thing at an ORTHODOX synagogue one sunday morning, the bachurs were sitting around watching "a clockwork orange" ..." Through his Jewish youth group, Randy discovered sex, drugs and porno. The group had lots of attractive chicks. It was a good experience. A car drives up and it is a beautiful proportioned female who's assembled our technical crew. I keep pointing the woman to Randy and telling him that she's part of his team but he keeps insisting there are no chicks on his team. She is on our team. And the more you talk to her, the more this Washington D.C. native grows on you. By the time she leaves, we're almost in love. Our crew, unfortunately, is two guys. They take 30 minutes to assemble their equipment. The whole story was uncovered by Uncovered TV assignment editor Jill Pike, a 19-year old beauty with a couple of outstanding charachteristics - her charm and professionalism. She emailed me Tuesday. I've reviewed her three emails several times and they are all impeccably spelled and punctuated. She radiates sex. I propose to Randy my 20-stop three hour tour and he cuts it down to three stops. And he decides to skip the authenticity of piling everyone in my vehicle and instead we take three gas guzzling trucks and head for Wonderland Avenue where the "four on the floor" John Holmes murders took place. Randy asks for my story. I say that I was a struggling mainstream actor... Randy: "What do you mean 'mainstream'?" I explain that's the word porners use to distinguish their form of entertainment from mainstream entertainment. I feel like a voyeur as we stand outside 8763 Wonderland Ave and videotape the place. It's narrow steep roads are about the last place you'd want to bring a three truck TV crew. Then off we go to the Tomkat, formerly the Pussycat, an X-rated theater on Santa Monica Blvd, just east of Fairfax Blvd. The Pussycat played Deep Throat several times a day for over ten years. Now it plays exclusively homosexual porn. We videotaped the handprints in the cement outside the theater of John Holmes, Linda Lovelace, Eric Edwards, Marilyn Chambers and others. I'm interviewed. Then we visit Robert Lombard, Gregory Bowman's friend, at his agency on Robertson Blvd. He's hosting a casting call for a new company casting for ten softcore shows. As we walk up to his door, we run into porn star TJ Hart. The camera crew is thrilled because she's tall, blonde and buxom. She's great footage. They pull her aside for a ten minute interview with Randy. He starts by talking to her as a porn star rather than as the sensitive intelligent woman she is who happens to do porn. She settles him down. She sets him straight. Randy's amazed that a porn girl like Hart seeks the same amount of romance and wooing that an ordinary woman wants. He asks about her favorite pornos and she says she doesn't watch any. TJ won't take off her sunglasses because she doesn't want anyone on mainstream TV to see her deeply as a porn star. Nor will she reveal the stage name she uses for mainstream work. TJ explains that mainstreamers will often walk off a set if they discover they're working with someone who's done porn. We walk in Robert's gates and run into Nancy Vee, who has new front teeth and her mother in tow. How does mom feel about Nancy's sex work? Mom: "What she does is her business. I don't interfere as long as she's safe. I don't condone what she does. Let her do her thing. Life is too damn short for that. And I think that more parents should go with their children [to porn shoots], go with their daughters, their sons... I'm not embarrassed about what she does. I'm not. As long as she's safe. "I know that her dad would be proud of her and I am very proud of my daughter. And I love her dearly." The TV crew suggests that they hug. They do. They kiss. They tell each other 'I love you.' Mom: "She's my life. She's my life." Nancy squeals and waves goodbye to Regan Starr. Luke: "How did you find out about her movies?" Mom: "She told me. I said ok." Nancy: "We did a thing for Playboy a few weeks ago. A movie called Voyeur." Mom: "I sat there and watched it. It looked all right." Nancy: "I'm also in an Emmanuelle series by Klixxx Productions. I'm not Emmanuelle but my girlfriend got the part. The movie is 20 years old but we redid it. It's called Emmanuelle 2000 and it will be in video stores." Randy: "Mom, have you ever thought about being in any of these films?" Mom: "Hell no, honey. One is enough in the family." Randy: "Why not? If she can do it, you can do it." Mom: "I'm too old." Nancy: "My dream is that one day I will have my own comedy show and I'll be in my 40s at that time and she'll be Momma Vee." Mom: "I'm very proud of my daughter." Nancy: "I'm taking her to Vegas." Mom: "We're going to gamble, honey. I just won $5000. I started with $15 on Mother's Day. I built it all the way up to $172,000..." We walk upstairs past about 30 young good looking people waiting for their audition. I talk to Monique DeMoan who says she's broken up again with Jon Dough. They've been together as long as I've been in porn - six years. Though we've only spoken a few times, I've connected as deeply with Jon as with anyone in this business. He's powerfully etched in the Ian Gittler book Pornstar. Luke talks to Monique: "Are you still with Jon?" Monique: "We just broke up." Luke: "Again." Monique: "I know. Everyone knows our history." Luke: "What's he doing these days?" Monique: "He's shooting for Anabolic and Diabolic. He's got a line out, 'Bring 'Em Young' with 18 and 19-year old girls. He still gets in front of the camera." Luke: "And what are you doing these days?" Monique: "The same thing. I just got back into this. I was doing the stills for Jon." I remember meeting Jon in early 1996 on a Vivid set. And he told me he had been having some unbelievably crazy times with his girlfriend Monique DeMoan and that she was dangerous for him. Robert Lombard of Creative Image writes: GOOD MORNING LUKE :-]] Thank you for you're courtesy and professionalism yesterday during the casting session. WE all love these girls...sometimes things get communicated incorrectly..so I just want to set the record straight... *Casting was for a NEW company out of Las Vegas they're first of 10 HARDCORE productions. The girls will be paid $1200 and the guys $800. Condom ONLY. NO "A". * Nancy Vee was in multiple roles of the EMMANUELLE 2000 R rated series for Cinemax, but is was for Click Productions. *Nancy wrong again... :-]]]GOD love her.."The Voyeur" is another R rated series for MRG Entertainment/Mainline Releasing not Playboy. Got to be careful here...don't want a nasty letter from Playboy. I was glad to see you got to spend a few minutes with Lauren Montgomery. This is one classy and above ALL smart women! TJ Hart personable and bubbly as always!. Tina Tyler straight to the point no bull shit women. Proud to know her. It was a shame you missed the lovely Dru Berrymore and Ava Vincent. THANKS again for stopping by. PS..didn't realize I looked that old in the pictures...time for some botox :-]] and make sure you report to Mr.Bowman I am living UP to my code of ethics.
Luke's Porn Valley Tour Segment Airs On National Enquirer's Uncovered My segment aired at 12:30 AM Thursday morning on Channel 9 in Los Angeles. The show "Uncovered," formerly "National Enquirer Television" airs on about 120 stations around America. Putative Marc writes Luke: "Instant review of your Uncovered segment. Great job with correspondent Randy Kagan. His reformed shul taught him well. pretty quick piece, but l-keford comes off way better in a comedic light than the brooding context of so-called "serious" documentaries. Who was the apparent jewish mother escorting her daughter to the casting call?" Luke says: That was Nancy Vee's mom. Here's the scoop on the segment: Host Jack Maxwell: "Have you ever sat back after a movie and said, 'Geez, I wonder where they made that? What goes on behind the scenes? And how did that guy reach all the way around... Uncovered's Randy Kagan takes us on a tour of porn landmarks." Randy narrates: "There's a special tour in Los Angeles that you won't find on a star map or in the Chamber of Commerce "Things To Do In LA" brochure. It's a subversive journey into the seedy underworld of the porno industry. We're at one of the first porno theaters in the country with L-ke Ford. He's the all knowing porn guru." Luke: "The Pussycat connotes pornography, sleaze, scandal, mob." Randy: "Our first stop, the old Pussycat Theater [on Santa Monica Blvd just east of Fairfax Bl]. They changed the name from the Pussycat Theater to the Tomkat. You can probably figure out why." Luke: "The Pussycat is the most famous pornographic movie theater chain and dotted throughout Los Angeles, the United States and it did over a billion dollars a year business [overall porno market has done this much business since 1972]." Randy: The next stop on our tour was the John Holmes home. Him and his package were the inspiration for the movie "Boogie Nights." Luke: "As he was relieving himself, someone spotted his talent. John Holmes became best known as Johnny Wadd. He was a huge porn star through the late 1970s when his drug habit put a crimp into his performing. He started hanging out with a drug gang that rented a home at 8763 Wonderland Ave. He eventually died of HIV in 1988." Randy: "Now we head over to a porn casting agency in Hollywood. It was easy to tell by the silicone ratio and the camera hungry chicks, we were in the right place. It's [Robert Lombard's] Creative Management who decides who's in and who's out. Some of these girls even brought their moms for good luck." Nancy Vee's mom: "I don't interfere as long as she's safe." Robert Lombard: "Personality, acting ability, natural breasts of course, because that's very popular these days..." T.J. Hart: "I really don't know too much about porn except that it is not as good money as you guys think." Nancy Vee's mom: "I don't condone what she does. Let her do her thing. Life is too damn short." Randy waves the large microphone in Hart's face. Randy: "This should not make you too uncomfortable, I'd imagine." Hart: "That makes me very uncomfortable." Randy: "You should be used to that sort of thing. It's big and hairy. Come on, relax. "Going on this porno tour has been the greatest field trip of my life. I learned where to put the microphone on a porno actress. But what does the future hold for porn?" Luke: "Well, I see it steadily growing, rising, getting bigger, stronger, harder." Host Jack Maxwell: "Randy Kagan, ladies and gentlemen. Proving once again that it is possible to have a job where it is possible to get paid to hang out with porn stars." Luke reflects: Watching the segment, I realized how I tend to speak in a boring monotone. My cohost James DiGiorgio was right.
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