Wednesday, September 29th, 1999

Use Mousse Not K.Y. Jelly In Y2K

Is your lady Y2K compliant? Luke F-rd offers the following advice: Use mousse, not K.Y. jelly for longer, more mutually satisfying f---ing.

Studies have shown that women in porn, and in the bedroom, can really tolerate only about 10 minutes of f---ing before abrasing. In fact, the number one unstated reason for infrequent sex is vaginal soreness, and most women will actually go for years without saying anything about it. They simply limit the f---ing.

So if your lover has complained of soreness even once, she really needs liberal moussing before and during each intercourse from now on. Don't rub your ladies raw, gentlemen. Be considerate, especially if you have a big dick, or regularly f--- for more than a few minutes. After all, you wouldn't want to send your lady to a less well-endowed or more sensitive competitor for easier orgasms, would you?

Luke's technique is always to perform cunnilingus on his lady friend first for maximum lubrication. Then, prior to vaginal entry, he applies mousse liberally to both vagina and penis. During sex, he continues to re-apply the mousse frequently.

Following Luke's lead, when masturbating, men everywhere should begin moussing themselves up to get used to the slippery, exquisite nude feel of mousse. Take turns masturbating your lady, and have her masturbate you. The goal is nothing less than frictionless sex in Y2K and beyond!

If you haven't tried this technique, you truly don't know what you're missing. It really makes for easier, more pleasurable sex for both partners every time. The reward is more frequent f---ing. Take it from Luke!

If You Think Investment Gains Can Be Obscene

From the California section of today's Wall Street Journal, Gerry Lim writes:

For those who believe money to be the only thing that's better than sex, adult-film star Asia Carrera could well be their poster girl. Aware that her career may have a short shelf life, Ms. Carrera, who gives her age as 26, has emerged as something of a financial guru. Indeed, she boasts of her investing prowess on her Web site -- as well as in the pen name she uses when writing X-rated scripts: Dow Jones.

"Buy and hold, buy and hold," Ms. Carrera purrs. The recent market corrections don't disturb her: "Everyone's looking for a secret trick to get rich quick in the market," she says, "but that's not investing -- that's gambling."

Ms. Carrera began accumulating her nest egg in the early 1990s while working as a topless dancer; she quickly embraced a conservative investment strategy. "My biggest goof," she says, was placing half her life savings -- "a couple of grand" -- in Latin American regional sector funds, only to watch the Mexican peso devalue and the market collapse. She pulled out before Latin America's resurgence. "I missed the ride because I didn't have the confidence to buy and hold," she moans.

Bestiality Rears Its Ugly Head

Nick Adams of www.pornstarsuncensored.com writes for RAME about Luke's growing bestiality fetish.

It was a muggy evening in Frisco. Not really hot, but damp, the kind of night when it's not so much the heat as the humidity. You know what I mean.

I was sitting at my desk with a bottle of bourbon watching the neon glow of a sign from the dirty book store next door stream through my venetian blinds.

My head hurt from too many hours of looking at porn and trying to make sense of the box covers. Finding the plot to Nasty Nympho Night Shift Nurses #147 was a brutal job but somebody had to do it.

I was about to knock off for the night when my secretary came in. Actually she wasn't really a secretary. It was doubtful whether or not she could read or write and we didn't talk much. My tongue got hard when I looked at her and it made communication difficult. I'd only hired her becaue she was the kind of tattooed, pierced and otherwise enhanced model that I liked.

I mumbled something and she handed me a large manilla envelope. Opening it, I found a set of photographs. Someone had pasted Luke F-rd's head over Eric Cartman's body. There was a angular blue dog in the photo and Luke/Cartman seemed to be calling him a dildo. There was also a phone number.

With trembling hands, I dialed. The fat man answered the call himself.

"By god, I knew you'd call, Mr. Riser," he wheezed. "I admire a man who acts on his instincts."

"Who are you?" I asked. "Why did you send me this filth?"

"By god, you get right to the point, sir," he exclaimed, mopping himself with a hankerchief. "I don't trust a man who beats around the bush. He isn't sure what he wants."

"You didn't answer the question," I pointed out, briefly wondering how I knew he was sweating if we were talking on the phone.

"Luke F-rd has been causing problems for the Kosher Nostra. He's getting too close to exposing us," the fat man said. I'd always thought the jewish organized crime ring that ran porn valley was a mere figment of Luke's imagination, but here it was ... real and in my face.

"So why send me the pictures?"

"Put them in your porn news column," the fat man said. "Expose Luke for the dog-raping beast he is."

"But Luke isn't raping dogs in this pic ... and the pics are doctored on top of that," I pointed out.

"By god, sir, it looks like Luke to me. And even though you can't see him actually raping the dog, he's calling it a dildo. Obviously in another frame which has been suppressed by his friends, Luke inserts the entire beast into his anus. That's why it has the particular shape that it does."

"They're bogus pics," I point out. "I know Luke and he wouldn't call a cartoon dog a dildo. It's not the way he talks."

"But you admit, sir, he might have sex with a cartoon do, were it possible to do so?"

"I admit Luke's a strange bird," I shrug. "He might be capable of anything, but I don't know him well enough to make that judgment call."

"By god, you are a card, sir," the fat man cackled. "Since you admit you don't know the truth about Luke's proclivities, in the interest of fairness, you should post these items and let the public make up their own minds, n'cest pas?"

"It's a bogus story," I repeat.

"It doesn't matter," he wheezed. "If you print them, people will believe. He'll be ruined."

"No," I say. "I will not help you."

"Fine," the fat man sighs. "I'll just give the pics to Luke and have him run them."

"Are you insane? Why would Luke run pictures falsly villifying himself when he's knows they are fakes?"

"It's his nature," the fat man wheezed, melting into a puddle of his own sweat. "He won't be able to help himself. He has to post everything he hears."

Hanging up the phone, I pour another bourbon and hit the buzzer on the intercom. "I'm going home, Angel," I tell my secretary. "I need some air. Make a note for me to check l-keford.com tomorrow afternoon. I think there'll be some new beastiality photos on it."

Nick Adams - Porn News that doesn't quite go all the way, but can be verified by three independent sources before going into print. (Yeah, I know, it's too long but I lack self-discipline.)

Luke: Fantastic, my sponsor, has ordered me to remove all the pics in question from my site.

Fred writes: I think the pictures you posted were an out-take from an Anabolic Gang Bang video called 101 Dalmations. Is there any truth to that rumor? (Things could have been worse. The blond woman could have been given the part of the fire hydrant.)

Luke: Fred, this website does not deal in rumor or speculation. Just the facts mam.

Jimplasti [Brad from Danger Boy Video]: First off....I heard that Rob and Jim have already started digging holes for the person that wrongly reported the trouble regarding Sopornos.....
Jimplasti: That could be ugly.
Jimplasti: second....we just finished editing the new Queen of nasty....we have a shot of Sennecca with a speculum in her snatch....we looked closely at the shot and we can see Mad Jack's Baby....
Jimplasti: Third....Those Kristi pictures with the dog....Got any penetration shots??
Jimplasti: and last.....Do you think NJG will call me.......I've phone sexed everyone I know and she seems needing....
Jimplasti: Oh, I forgot...Good Yontef Luke. We just did a Gang Bang in my sukkkka....but I'm told that its sacreligious so my wife wont let me sell it.
Jimplasti: How much did they pay that dog?
Jimplasti: I mean...He lookked like he did all the work on that shoot.
Jimplasti: Isn't that illegal?
Luzdedos1: Not as long as you have love in your heart.
Jimplasti: And by the way.....just to alert the public....there is a new hottie working at Vivid, in a non-sex role though....Michelle, Howard's assistant, is really nice and a smoking body too.
Luzdedos1: Does she put out for Steve and Howard, a DP scene?
Luzdedos1: Do you think there are too many Jews in porno?
Jimplasti: Too many Jews? I'm not racial so I could give a f--- about who pays me or where my money comes from.
Jimplasti: I grew up in Beverly Hills....so I didnt see a gentile until I was 17. and the first black guy i saw was michael Jordan....and he was introduced to me as GOD.
Jimplasti: all i know is an XXX passover would be kinda cool..... we could put condoms in the affikomen.... Hey mom....pass the matzo and the lube.

Archie Kinkie?

Luke F-rd Wire Services, Ltd.:

Archie, Betty and Veronica were inspired by three-way sex...as experienced by Archie’s creator---the late John L. Goldwater. Why then, has Archie Comics Publications targeted “Sabrina, the Teenage Witch” on charges of indecency?

Reports today’s New York Post, “Archie Comics wants Melissa Joan hart to be booted from “Sabrina, the Teenage Witch” unless she apologizes for her sexy picture spreads in two mens magazines...”

Before his death this past February, John L. Goldwater was occasional l-keford.com contributor Krash’s luncheon guest at Le Cirque--at which time Goldwater broke his 55-year vow of silence regarding Archie’s erotic origins.

“You might say those gals put lead in my pencil,” chuckled the feisty old duke as he tucked into a sizzling paupiette of flounder. Goldwater was referring to two separate menages-a-trois with two separate blonde/brunette duos. “Before I made Betty and Veronica the fantasy sex objects for generations of young men---they were my own living, breathing real-life conquests.”

“Back in the late 30s, when people weren’t nearly so open about sex, I had two unforgetttable encounters with two sets of girlfriends.”

“....the memory of bedding all four of them remained so vivid that I later able to combine, adapt and update a little of all their styles into Betty and Veronica.”

“Despite the fact that I had bedded the real Betty and Veronica [at the time of Archie’s creation] I was thinking only of a wholesome situation in a small town like Hiawatha, Kansas [The character of “Reggie” was inspired by the captain of the Hiawatha, Kansas football team]."

“I wasn’t looking for morality,” recalled Goldwater, between vigorous slurps of pinot noir. “I was looking for entertainment.”

Nevertheless, reports the New York Post, “Archie Comics owns the Sabrina character” and is “calling on Viacom to dump Melissa and her mother, Paula Hart --- executive producer of the ABC sitcom-- - unless Melissa agrees to apologize for the nude pictures and interviews in this month's editions of Maxim and Bikini magazines.”

Yammered Archie’s current owner, “...if Ms. Hart wants to change her image, she must wait until after her contract with Viacom expires and refrain from associating our Sabrina the Teenage Witch character with her personal endorsement of binge drinking, participation in pornography and discussions about sex," “...it's a 60-year-old image of decency and wholesome family entertainment."

And a lasting monument to the way-ahead-of-his-time priapism of John L. Goldwater, 1916-1999. May he rest in squack.

VCA Sopornos Controversy

I heard that VCA was not happy with the Rob Spallone - James DiGiorgio feature The Sopornos. "It's all about Rob," complains Russ. "It goes 20 minutes before the first sex scene."

So VCA declined it and sent it back for reediting. A month passes and the new version shows up. But this time the sound sucks. Bottom line, The Sopornos is supposed to come out in two weeks. Russ is not sure whether to give DiGiorgio one more chance to edit it or push aside all his other projects and have the VCA team clean it up. Sounds a lot like the troubles Rob and Jim had with David Sturman and Sin City over their feature Shooting Sex.

Tuesday night, after running the above two paragraphs around 6PM, Luke got some angry messages on his answer machine while he was at shul studying the Book of Job.

James DiGiorgio: "Hello, Luke? Pick up the phone. It just keeps beeping. Luke, it's Jim DiGiorgio, pick up the phone."

I hear Kendra Jade and Rob Spallone in the background.

"I don't think he's there. Or he ain't picking up the phone. He's a Jew?"

Next message from Rob Spallone. "Lukey, it's me. What are you looking for? A little publicity Luke? I'm going to give you plenty of publicity when I stick my foot up your ass. What the f---? Are you crazy what you wrote? Luke, you better call me tomorrow morning at 8:00. In my office, because you're in big trouble, Luke."

Kendra calls: "Hey Luke, it's me. Pick up the phone. Call my cell phone back right away."

Rob calls: "It's me Luke. I want a phone call now. Page me Lukey."

Then I got this message on my cell phone: "Hey Lukey, it's Rob. You didn't think I could get this phone number. If you don't call me back, I'm coming to your house Lukey. So you better have a big gun with a lot of bullets."

Luke talked to an angry Rob Spallone Wednesday morning.

Rob: "Who told you all that bulls---? I want the name."

Luke: "I can't say."

Rob: "Then you're going to have a problem. A big problem. Because your website is not going to be up anymore."

Luke's been told that Rob Spallone was the one who had his websites l-keford.com and 4porn.net hacked in December of 1998.

Luke: "It's going to get hacked again?"

Rob: "Yeah. You don't want to give up the name?"

Luke: "I can't."

Rob: "Well, you screwed up. You should've never wrote that. All of it was bulls---. None of it is true. They loved the f---ing movie. Russ is going to hit the ceiling when he sees this this morning. He's going to hit the f---ing ceiling. That's why I want to know who it was. It's one of the best movies they've ever made. The guy in GC (Quality Control) said he couldn't believe it. So you don't want to tell me?"

Luke: "I can't tell you."

Rob: "Ok, goodbye."

Rob hangs up.

Director James DiGiorgio responds: As usual, Luke, you've printed something told to you without checking the facts; you certainly didn't run it by me! I doubt if you ran it by anyone at VCA, assuming anyone there actually will speak with you these days. [LF: Noone there will talk to me.] I am especially amused by the quotation marks around Russ's (supposed) comments. When's the last time Russ was willing to talk with you? How many months ago? [LF: About six months ago.] Your source has obviously heard something, but like a dyslexic performer in reader's theater, has totally screwed up the text. And like many in this biz, from production executives to our noveau(sp?)-directors (sic), is technically ignorant and wouldn't know the difference between a DVCam and a BetaCam, an offline edit and an online edit, an HMI from an IUD, or a 2K light from a flashlight!

To begin with, the first of SEVEN sex scenes in "The Sopornos" (which releases in mid-November, not in two weeks as your source states), between Tab Stevens and Steve Hatcher, takes place approx. two to three minutes after the title sequence. This was not a result of a dictated re-edit. When I finished my first rough-cut of the movie, I realized that it was taking too long to get to the first sex scene (it was about eleven minutes at that time), so I re-edited before anyone at VCA had seen anything other than the trailer I cut for them (a trailer that I'm told will be streaming from VCA's new website, www.vcapictures.com by this weekend). I did mention in a meeting at VCA that I was unhappy with my 'cut' for that and other reasons, and that I changed it and other things before showing it to anyone. I also wanted to shoot some additional 2nd Unit stuff for the show.

Next, it is true that Rob Spallone (playing Bobby Soporno) is the central character in the movie. And if Rob doesn't get a nomination for Best Non-Sex Role for this performance, I will be very surprised. But it's not about Rob. It's about this loose-cannon wiseguy, Bobby Soporno, and his conflict with his cousin, Victor Soporno (played brilliantly by Herschel Savage--also nom-worthy in my opinion), over who is going to run the lucrative family casino and bordello operations. To add further conflict to the mix, Tabitha Stevens shrewdly plays both these guys against each other in her own personal quest for wealth and power.

Now let's talk about the sound track. When I first screened a cut--not the finished cut-- in the sales office at VCA, Russ asked if I was going to punch the sound up. I told him there was no money in the budget for an actual, "pro" sound mix. He motioned to me to follow him and he took me into VCA's state-of-the-art, digital, post-production facility (check out some of Michael Ninn's movies to realize just how state-of-the-art we're talking about here). Russ showed me their professional mixing room, foley stage, etc., and said "Will this work?" Well, you guessed it, after turning in my masters, they were transfered to digi-beta (Digital BetaCam) and we did a full sound mix, digitally re-mastering the sound track. That's the kind of 'value-added' post-production quality you'll have a hard time finding from almost any other manufacturer in this business.

Okay, let's deal again with the re-editing comments. It is true that some re-editing of sorts is taking place. But what we're doing is re-onlining the show, not re-editing it! I cut on an AVID Media Composer (for those who think of equipment in terms of $$$ and stature, that's a state-of-the-art, digital, non-linear editing system used by almost every studio in Hollywood, that cost me about a hundred grand...I have two of them). Now there is some generational loss when you also online on an AVID, i.e., when the footage is digitized onto the AVID's hard drives, at high resolution, and then output back to tape. Russ wanted to eliminate this generational loss. He wanted the show onlined directly from the source tapes, tape-to-tape, to preserve the maximum picture quality of the show. So he decided that I'd bring in the show's EDL (Edit Decision List--reel numbers and SMPTE timecode numbers that make up the 'cut' list of a show), and we would re-online it. That is NOT changing the creative cut of the show, but instead, enhancing it's technical qualities. Again, more "value-added" from VCA.

And why is VCA spending this extra time, money, and resources on "The Sopornos?" Because they think it sucks??? Think again, Aussie-boy. It's because the flick has exceeded expectations. It's because they want the best possible technical quality to a flick that they are very high on, and getting behind in a big, big, marketing way (check out the three-page ad in the VCA Quarterly, included with October's AVN for starters).

And just for the record, there was never any discord between Dave Sturman and Rob and I regarding "Shooting Sex." David did NOT FUND "Shooting Sex," Rob did. It was shot on spec. And after it was complete, we offered if for sale to David. David bought it immediately and asked that we make a couple of changes, which we did. After all, once paid for, it was his movie and he deserved to have it the way he wanted it. If David had a problem with the movie, or us, he certainly wasn't bound to buy it. There were other interested buyers. I think the fact that he did buy it, for a pretty fair price, speaks louder than anything your mis-informed, annonymous source has to say.

To be honest, I really HATE responding to s--- like this. It make me feel like I'm defending something that is in no need of a defense. It's like I'm covering for something that is amiss, when in fact, nothing is amiss. But in this case, I felt compelled to set the record straight because I'm very proud of my work, more importantly, everyone's work, on "The Sopornos." So whoever you are, you mis-informed, insecure, small-minded maggot, if you have a problem with Rob, or myself, how about you tell it to Rob's face, or my face, or both our faces. Otherwise, how about you just shut the f--- up about s--- you know very little about.

Brandy Alexandre writes: After reading about Spallone I just wanted to ask you, why is it that you never contact another party from an alleged story? Is it that you're afraid you'll found out there's no story and the spec was interesting? The other parties will never talk to you so why bother? What is it when the story is about people you've spoken to numerous that compels you NOT to do any checking before publishing? Just curious.

Luke: I enjoy watching a story unfold. If I check with all relevant parties, I often will no longer have a story. I enjoy seeing how people react. I like to start things and then watch them turn into wildfires.

BA: I've noticed this from producers in the industry before, for some reason they have to tell you how much all of their equipment costs. Does that somehow legitimize what they do or automatically make the quality of the product better? You know, if you hand Bubba the keys to your Bentley, he's still likely to haul hay with it. Porn is porn.

BA: I'm not sure what the bitching about 20 minutes before the first sex scene in Sopornos would be based on. Isn't that the case with most of John Stagliano's movies? Everyone says they want to be like him, right? I would rather see 20 minutes of character establishment and tease before sex than a sex scene just dropped in without motivation or explanation just to hold to formula. Of course, I'm only assuming they jumped to sex without any reason. And since I'll never see it, I'll never know for sure.

LF: Most everybody wants to ride a white horse. To feel as though they are doing something noble. Porners are no different. They want to believe that they are producing adult entertainment rather than pornography. They boast about their equipment and the story and the special effects and the sound stage as ways of distracting themselves from the horror of what they make.

BrandyAlx1: Has anyone given you any figures as to their take at the Bunny Ranch? I thought after my comments on it there would be some proof in the offing. Now it seems no one is talking. Are they too embarrassed now realizing they've been duped, or do they not want anyone to know that they are perfectly willing to have sex for $150 a pop?

BrandyAlx1: Knowing how you like to blow things out of proportion, I went to geneross.com to read up on the "mass exodus" from FSC. Of course, they made it look better than originally portrayed, but the bottom line is everyone in the industry wants blanket protection and acceptance, but no one wants to work for it. It's like the pay hike Pres. Clinton signed off on. They said it will draw more talented people to office. Gee, I thought the object the point of public service was to serve the public. I don't want money motivated people in office, I'm sorry. BrandyAlx1: Back to FSC, my usual complaint of the only reps for the industry the public gets to see is Margold and Jeremy, who are NOT reps of the majority, the fact is other people have the same complaint, but then can't be bother to step up to the mic themselves. My suggestion to all is put up or shut up.

Mature Porn

Grandma writes: Hi Luke, First off let me say I really enjoy your site, especially the porn star reviews. I run a couple mature sites on the net, and have become personally acquainted with a couple older porn stars, and you're right on with your observations and collections on them. That brings me to the reason I'm writing. Do you know anything about a mature porn star named "Helga Sven"? I can't find any information on this lady. Keep up the good work, and I'll keep visiting your site for the best factual information I have found. I even enjoyed the pissing match you were involved in on either NetPond (condom), or Ynot.. can't remember which board. But it was entertaining. I don't post much on any of those boards, too much posturing and back patting and good old boy stuff. I just go quietly about my business unless I have a new program to offer or whatever. Once again.. thanks! Nancy Mutchler (Gramma) http://www.matureporn.com, http://www.grammas.com etc

More Death and the City by Krash

Money talks, Darren Star walks, right? Guess again. According to Daily Variety, dated September 23, Darren Star’s “Sex and the City” has been renewed by HBO for another season of scandal-infused “dramedy”!

Since “the cabler finds it difficult to get veteran executive producer-writers” to work for less than they can make on network TV, the virtually unemployable “Sex and the City” conceptor---black-balled by the networks and hardly in a position to take his business elsewhere---offers a bargain-debasement source of content in HBO’s strategy of “building up repeat episodes for endless recycling on its cluster of multiplexed networks.”

Moreover, HBO “controls the back end” of scandal-suffused “Sex and the City”, so whichever course the continuing Darren Star revelations take, the cabler stands to profit.

Towards this free-marketeering end, Variety notes, “HBO will greenlight at least 16 new half-hours of ‘Sex and the City’”---meaning that in the year to come, many cable viewers can look forward to spending the equivalent of a workday steeped like neuro-chemical teabags in the roiling waters of Darren Star’s troubled and contractually enslaved psyche...as he refracts HBO’s “dramedy” through the hovering shadow of Leigh Zurmuhlen, dead at 19 of Darren Star-related causes.

“I definitely feel that my shows are all distinct expressions of my sensibility and no one else, period,” asserted Star, categorically, in Vogue, dated September 1995.

Darren Star’s distinctly expressed sensibility----as it unfolded in the months directly prior to his hanging a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the doorknob outside Room 1610 at The Mayflower Hotel on Central Park West---- was further assayed in the same Candace Bushnell-written story that would cost her then-boyfriend, Vogue publisher Ron Galotti a/k/a “Mr. Big”, his job:

“...The Vault [S&M club] is just one of countless New York locations that Star is scouting [for his doomed series “Central Park West”]... Star walks over to a metal swing that looks like a medieval object of torture . ‘We have to have somebody swinging on this during the party scene,’ he says....”

It was at approximately this point that the Darren Star mystique, so tightly wound and so painstakingly manufactured since 1990, began to unravel...offering the first public glimpses of a world-class sociopath capable of navigating the conflict-of-interest-infused “Sex and the City” deal while simultaneously bearing the guilt that comes of fleeing a fatal crime scene.

“Darren Star’s success story is the wet dream of every young person on the make in Hollywood," an anonymous insider told Vanity Fair, dated May 1995. And it was in much this masturbatory spirt that Star’s troubled sibling, “Marc Star,” would further compromise syntho-“Darren”----by assaulting cyber-journo Luke F-rd at a porno-industry convention last summer.

Clearly this was not the same Marc Star who practiced dentistry near the D.C.-area town where “Darren”----supposed offspring of D.C.-area orthodontist Milton Star----grew up, according to the official bio that’s been circulating since the earliest days of “Beverly Hills 90210." Rather, the “Marc Star” who fisted Luke F-rd at the AVN Expo was...