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Thursday, January 7, 1999

Luke's Mission Statement

By Fred Buccolini

It was around Christmas time when I had an epiphany.

Now, I am not sure how I got to this place. Maybe it was the acute depression I suffered after having my website hacked by some weasel. Maybe it was the confusion and disillusionment I felt after realizing that many of the porners that I write about actually like wrestling.

Whatever the case, it was a little after midnight on Christmas morning. I had snuggled into bed, getting ready to watch my favorite television dating show, Change of Heart. There was this beautiful girl on the show with gorgeous waxed legs. She came out with her boyfriend of six months, and complained to the host that her life had no meaning; her boyfriend was a slob. Yet she was in too deep. She did not know how to tear away. Her boyfriend, who was sitting adjacent to her, told her to go f--- herself.

Everybody laughed. But I didn't laugh.

I said to myself, I am in the same boat. My life has no meaning. My website--what's left of it--is my life mate, and it's sloppy. And my legs definitely need to be waxed.

Maybe drugs are the answer. I can escape and be like Tinkerbell and fly away into La La land. Or better yet--suicide. I can be like Kurt Cobain and be forgotten on the day after.

No. This is not the answer to my problems.

I need to take a step back and regroup my thoughts; make plans for the future.

Then I sunk into further depression. Future? What kind of future is it when every time I boot-up my computer some cretin brings my whole world crashing down with just a push of a button?

Doesn't this hacker know that I have a tremendous fan base? That the world would stop if people did not get the latest Kendra Jade/John T. Bone update? Doesn't this hacker know that I have a bigger fan base than Alex Trebek of Jeopardy fame?

I guess not.

Suddenly, my mind began to race: such erratic, wonderful thoughts; brilliant questions to life's weighty problems. Questions like: "Why is everything I buy made in Korea, yet when I read the
newspaper, it says the Korean economy is in the toilet? "; "Why is my VCR so f---ing light?"; Or "What good is psychotherapy when the doctor does not say a goddamned thing?" Is he thinking about something other than me and my problems? Like when are they going to finish construction on the 405 freeway? Or is he looking at me and thinking: LOSER?

Well, despite what anybody might think, I'm not a loser. But hey, opinions are cheap, right? But I value mine.

I took a deep breath, exhaled, and cleared my mind. I looked at my poster of Shay Sweet above my computer, and said: "If there is a God, give me a sign...or at least a serious thought." For a second, I scared myself when I thought Shay actually winked at me. But it was only refracted light coming from an open window.

Suddenly, I saw a man dressed in black standing in front of my television set. He looked and talked like Ed Powers. He said two words: "Buy Wholesale." Then he disappeared.

What did this all mean? Hell if I know. All I know is that something clicked, or unlocked inside of me and I became incredibly inspired.

I rushed to my computer and immediately started writing. One page turned into ten; then twenty. I stopped on page sixty-nine. I guess you could call it a mission statement. Yeah, that sounds about right--a mission statement.

I jumped into my van and drove to Kinko's in Westwood.

They were closed.

I immediately remembered that my friend Javier Gonzalez, who manages Taco Bell #9871 on Westwood Boulevard, had told me he would be working on Christmas, and to swing on by if I was lonely.

Fortunately, Javier was indeed at work and he let me use his copy machine. I made a hundred copies; I added a title page to each with the heading: "The World According to Luke."

I dropped off my mail at the nearest mailbox, sending a copy to every player in the adult industry. I drove home feeling confidant that I had done the right thing.

But what had I done?

I had either humbled myself or made a complete ass out of myself. I would have to sit and wait by the phone for the verdict.

It was around noon on December twenty-seventh that I received the call. It was Gene Ross, from AVN magazine.

Gene: "Luke? Are you ok?"

Luke: "Yes. Why?"

Gene: "My phone's ringing off the hook. Everyone's talking about The World According to Luke. It's like you're the new Messiah. This is genius work, absolutely f---in' brilliant!"

Luke: "Well thank you Gene. That's a far cry from the things that you said about me when you did the Ed Powers' radio show."

Gene: "Luke! That's water under the bridge. You know I love you. You're my friend."

Luke: "I am?"

Gene: "Look, that stuff I said on Powers' show was premature, misguided---plain foolish. And I am going to make it up to you. How would you like to come to work for AVN? How about the title assistant features editor? You can work right along side Kernes."

Luke: "Come again?"

Gene: "You can work along side me! I'll give you the Loose Lips column--you can run with it, totally unhindered. You'll have total control."

Luke: "Really? What's the catch?"

Gene: "There's no catch. Luke, in your mission statement, you wrote: 'I don't think it's right to delve into people's private affairs.' You wrote this same line over and over through sixty-nine freakin' pages like some mental patient in a Stephen King novel. At first we thought you were whacked out of your head on crank. But then we realized that you had learned your lesson. That you will now toe the line. No more fishing for dirt on Fishbein, Hampshire, and Hirsch. You are a good boy Luke!"

Luke: "Yes...I am. I am a very good boy."

Gene: "Good. So you will come to work for us. You can start on the eighteenth of January. I'll have your office prepared and ready. You'll be very happy here and quite surprised. We run a clean ship."

Luke: "Good. I'm glad you're my friend. I'll see you on the eighteenth."

Gene: "I love you man!"

Luke: "Luv you...man."

A few minutes later, I get another call.

Luke: "Hello?"

Voice: "Hey you sell out!"

Luke: "Mom?"

Voice: "No. It's Mister Black to you pal...or ex pal. I let you tag along on a shoot, and you f--- me! You f--- me, f--- me, f--- me. "

Luke: "What are you talking about?"

Rob Black: "It's all over town: You're going to work for the enemy."

Luke: "Now wait just a sec--"

Rob Black: "Traitor!"

Luke: "Hey! Hey! Hey!"

Rob Black: "Don't you get it Luke? Once you work for them, you lose your website. Use your brain monkey boy."

Luke: "I won't lose my website. I am not a compromiser. Don't you worry Rob. You'll see. This will only bring me closer to the action. This is good for everybody."

Rob Black: "Ok...hold up. Luke? What do you think of the majority of today's adult videos?"

Luke: "Well... I think most of it is drek."

Rob Black: "Right. And do you think for a minute that Gene is going to let you say that in print?"

Luke: "Na...Na..Na...NO?"

Rob Black: "No is right monkey boy."

Luke: "Hmm. You think this a trap?"

Rob Black: "Ha! Of course! Gene's probably hiring construction people right this instant! I bet he's building a trapdoor under your desk that's controlled by a red button. You watch! Who
has access to that button? Ross, Kernes, Fishbein!"

Luke: "Hmm. What do you think the trapdoor leads to?"

Rob Black: "Freakin' alligators man! Hungry freakin' alligators. And if there's a malfunction, Ross can always get Hulk Hogan to come in and beat your ass."

Luke: "Ouch!"

Rob Black: "Mark my words Luke! You're being set-up. Don't do it. Don't do it."

After hanging up the phone, I hear a knock on the door.

Luke: "Who's there?"

Voice: "It's the Grand Poobah."

Luke: "Who?"

Voice: "The Grim f---ing Reaper!"

The door opens and in walks Rob Spallone holding a brown lunch bag.

Rob Spallone: "You don't lock your door?"

Luke: "Must have forgot."

Rob Spallone: "Man, when I walked past your manager's apartment there was this creepy smell. Yuk! You should call the health department."

Luke: "I should, but I don't want them to come in here and see this mess. Rob, why are you here?"

Rob Spallone: "Luke! The s--- has hit the fan. You have got to get out of town."

Luke: "What are you talking about?"

Rob Spallone: "Luke. There is a contract out on your life. I've got your plane tickets and some going away money."

Rob hands me an envelope. I open the envelope and count.

Luke: "Geez, there must be at least fifty grand here. Rob, I can't go anywhere. I just got hired with Adult Video News. What's in the paper bag?"

Rob smiles and pulls out a Groucho nose, glasses, a can of purple hair dye, and a rabbinical beard.

Rob Spallone: "You're going undercover Luke. Your plane leaves in forty-five minutes."

Luke: "Where am I going?"

Rob Spallone: "Detroit."

Luke: "Detroit? Why Detroit?"

Rob Spallone: "Look Luke, none of the families live in Detroit. It's a f---in' dive, hole-in-the-wall, piss pot of a state. It's the last place they would look for you."

The Ride to the Airport

Luke: "This is crazy Rob. I can't go to Detroit. I'm about to move up in the world---s---. This is steady employment at AVN."

Rob Spallone: "How come you never talk about me on your website?"

Luke: "Well, you've been very busy with the move to your new office. And, you still feed me information."

Rob Spallone: "But I didn't think you were going to print every goddamned word! Luke, do you know what got you into hot water?"

Luke: "No."

Rob Spallone: "The Ginger Lynn love child rumor. Big f---ing mistake. All of the families met late last November in Trenton. They all agreed that the best way to take you out was to sweet talk you into coming to work for one of the big companies, making you feel comfortable, then pulling
the rug out from underneath you."

Luke: "Alligator luggage?"

Rob Spallone: "What?"

Luke: "Alligator luggage. Are they going to make luggage out of me?"

Rob Spallone: "Luke? Are you on any medication?"

Luke: "Quite frankly...yes."

Rob Spallone: "Then stop! It's fraying your mind."


1/6/98, 7:50AM: After popping 30 mg of the anti-depressant Nardil, gulping down four tablespoons of Soy Protein Shake (to get me into the Barry Sears' Zone), and thanking the Lord for giving me another day to do His will, I grabbed my black bag full of learned rabbinic commentaries on Torah, Dr. Laura Schelssinger's new book on The Ten Comandments and Pat Riley's The X-Rated Videotape Guide VII, jumped in my car and cruised 30 minutes to Rob Spallone's new studio.

I find some mainstream folks who shoot real movies for HBO. They're secretly making pornos for Legend Video and are paranoid about getting caught. Today they're shooting pickups on their first hardcore production, boxcover stills, and one S-M scene between the blonde newcomer Kelly O'Ryan and the strapping Frank Towers. In porn five years (over 200 videos), Towers stands 6'4" and weighs 240 muscular pounds. Ten years ago he weighed 150 pounds but was inspired by meeting Arnold Schwarnaegger in 1986.

Mainstreamer "Adrian Gold" says his crew stressed professionalism to its porn talent. That if they showed up late, they would not be used. Everyone supposedly showed up on time. Until today when Kelly O'Ryan, who's flaked on several shoots of late, arrived over two hours late. On the edge of cancelling her, Gold has Bill Deal shoot Kelly for the boxcover and then do Towers.

Kelly, who had a baby at age 19, worked for $10 an hour as a secretary at a law firm. She saved her money and got a breast job. Then she read aabout how much money porn stars make and plunged into X in early December. The Starworld exclusive worked 15 days in December earning about $800 a scene. She did her second boy-girl scene with eric Price for a screaming Jerome Tannenbaum in early December. She's dramatically improved her sexual technique since then. Before entering porn, she says she only slept with two guys.

Rob's Rotweiller BJ barks loudly at Towers, probably intimidated by his bulk.

Randy Spears phones Spallone looking for work.

Rob: "Who are you?"

Randy: "I'm Randy Spears. I've been in this industry for 14 years."

Rob: "What do you think? That I follow the porno business? I hate this business. Come see me after the show."

I've heard information that casts doubt on the November "Randy Spears poured hot soup over his wife Danielle Rogers" story that indicates the altercation may not have been so one-sided. Rogers supposedly has been arrested a couple of times for domestic violence against Randy. Both Randy and Danielle have had long-running problems with drugs. Rogers definitely suffered severe burns from hot soup which have scarred her breasts and stomach.

Porners who owe Spallone money (Ben Fisher, Peter Davy) are eager to settle accounts before they have to run into the New Yorker at CES.

Spallone has his own private bathroom which he allows no porners to use. "When my wife and kids come up here when I'm not shooting, you want them to go in the bathrooms where these animals [porn performers] go? Sleep in the same beds these animals have f---ed on? No."

Rob sleeps on the couch in his office with his own blanket and pillow.

Alec Metro: "You're worse than us. You're a pimp."

Herschel Savage: "The only form of life lower are those producers and agents who f--- the talent."

Mexican gardener walks in on Elle Divine blowing Alec Metro. Then BJ chases after him. BJ frequently interrupts sex scenes throughout the day.

Herschel and Metro appear eager to schtup Divine as does still photographer Bill Deal, who's been celibate for over four years after the painful breakup of a ten year relationship with a woman. Shortly afterward, Deal moved to LA and into porn.

Rob: "When I was young, I could get any girl I wanted. I was the guy to be with. Last month in Vegas, I walked into the Hardrock Hotel with Jim {DiGiorgio] and there were so many beautiful girls, you could die. But there was a problem. The guys there were just as beautiful as the girls, in their 20s, tall, muscular and handsome. Not one girl would f---ing look in my direction. I was so pissed. When I left, I felt like an old piece of s--- for the first time in my life. I got so mad I stood there yelling at them at the top of my lungs to their faces, 'you f---ing cum buckets.'"

Jim: "He was..."

Rob: "Before my wife and I got married in a [Catholic] church, we had to take take four marriage preparation classes from this old couple. And the woman said, 'every time you make love in your first year of marriage, take one bean and put it in a bottle. Then every time you make love after that first year, take out a bean. It will take you ten years to empty the bottle.'

"I've been married ten years. That old lady was right."

Metro asks Divine to keep his dick wet with her saliva as he jacks himself off. While stroking he asks cameraman Jim where to place the cum shot. On her mouth. Alec shoots into her mouth and his spunk dribbles down her neck. She looks for a towel but there are none and no one to fetch one. Finally, Alec goes inside and gets towels.

During the scene, Spallone picked up the still camera and shot stills for the first time. "Nothing to it, an animal could do this," says Rob. "The f---ing still photographer makes more money ($500 a day vs. $350 for cameraman) than anyone on the set."

DiGiorgio: "I never heard you say a word to the girl and pose her in anyway... When I was shooting her, I was going 'tongue out...One the tip... Eyes up.' Watch him now, 'I'll buy a camera and then I won't need to hire Bill Deal anymore because I can shoot good chromes.'"

Rob: "Don't bust my balls."

After rearranging her make-up, Divine does her anal scene with a condom-clad Herschel Savage for VCA Explicit.

Luke reads Dr. Laura. While doing the splits on Matt Jade, Nancy Vee checks it out and writes down the title "The Ten Commandments."

Nancy: "I need some spiritual guidance in my life."

Hard Copy, with a reporter, cameraman and PA, stop by to interview Kelly O'Ryan about her incident with a limousine driving rich couple (he owned a computer business) who'd pick up beautiful women and rape them (in the news a week ago). Mainstreamers on the other end of the house freak that Hardcopy will recognize them. Spallone gives HC a rant about the porno industry. Then he tells Nancy Vee that if she blows the HC crew, they will interview her too. Vee sidles up to the HC reporter and asks him to drop his pants. He turns her down.

HC calls Kelly O'Ryan an actress rather than a porno actress to make her sound more convincing. They get her to wear more modest clothing for her interview and then have Rob Spallone, James DiGiorgio and the porno crew have Kelly do a regular acting scene with Eric Price for the HC camera.

Next Nancy Vee blows Eric Price on camera. Kelly O'Ryan disappears, sending Spallone into a panic, as he's already paid her. Kelly's scheduled for a late evening session with Matt Jade.

Mark Spiegler brings Rob a 20-year old Russian newcomer who does anal.

DiGiorgio: "A more experienced pornographer would not turn the funds over until she has done her scenes."

I meet ("Scuttle Fontana") Scott Wallach of condom-optional All Good Video. In business 18 months, they've released 35 titles and are up for 12 AVN nominations. Supposedly, AGV is the fastest growing company in the biz. Their main lines include the blow job series Shut Up and Blow Me, Only the A-hole, Dirty Little Sex Brats and Professor Mike's Collegiate Fantasies

Previous to AGV, Scott worked for Metro and for Florida photographer Brett Berny who shoots for Penthouse, Playboy and Hustler. "He showed me how to use a camera, which helped me become an asset to AGV aside from the fact that I have a high school degree and a college degree (AA in accounting)."

Expect a big announcement late Thursday at CES from friend of the black man Rob Black and his critic black performer Tony Everready.

Metro has dropped its condom requirement except for anal.

Imlikgod@mindspring.com writes: "Luke, since you know little about the wrestling industry, allow me to explain. These ECW guys that Rob is hanging out with are the porn equivalent of Brooke Ashley, Mila, or Candy Apples, pathetic no talents who will do anything to get over. Example... Tommy Dreamer taking a 20 foot bump through tables = Brooke Ashley in a 50 man anal gang bang. The top of their talent roster is Jasmine St. Claire at best. These guys don't have the talent or charisma to get over in a real promotion. Therefore they mutilate and batter their bodies to make up for their lack of talent. Like I said it is a great promotional coup for Extreme Associates, but as far as wrestling goes Rob needs to realize the people he escorted to the ring don't have the talent to be jobbers in the Big Leagues. As far as myself, I make a comfortable 6 figure living from wrestling and am what we call "OVER" in the business. Beware of enraged pornsters at CES."

FSC President Gloria Leonard replies to Heaven Leigh: "No, no one made me "GOD" - I was fortunate enough to be made a "GODDESS," with the same right as you to speak my mind to Luke or anyone else, for that matter. Where in my remarks do you see an attempt to get rid of Luke? What bothers me most about Luke (if you go and actually read and/or understand what I wrote) is his unending proclivity to be mean-spirited, negative, misinformed and clearly on only one side of the journalistic fence! As President of the FREE SPEECH COALITION, I absolutely support anyone's right to have their say however, there must be some spectre of truth contained in a story, which is frequently absent in Luke's reportage. Again, I ask for fairness, not f---ed up fairy tales! Listen and learn!"

In a lawsuit filed in the Los Angeles Superior Court on December 18, 1998, adult video industry accountant and attorney Michael Daniels accused Extreme Associates and its owner, Robert Black, of withholding over $30,000 from Tom Byron Productions. "I don't think that Tom [Byron] even realizes what Rob Black is doing," Daniels stated, "From my vantage point, it looks like Rob Black is withholding money owing to Tom Byron Productions and other production companies whose videos are distributed by Extreme Associates and using that money to finance his own adult videos." Until recently, Daniels was the accountant for both Tom Byron Productions and Extreme Associates.

Speaking late Wednesday, Black had no comment pending a meeting that evening with his lawyers.

The lawsuit alleges that Daniels, who owns 25% of Tom Byron Productions, has been unable to recoup approximately $30,000 in loans he made to Tom Byron Productions because Extreme Associates has withheld more than that amount from Tom Byron Productions. The lawsuit further alleges that Tom Byron used a portion of the loan monies received from Daniels for personal, rather than business expenses.

At a hearing held on December 18, 1998, the Court ordered that Extreme Associates and Tom Byron Productions must notify Daniels of any payments made to or by Tom Byron Productions. According to Daniels' attorney, Michael Friedman of Hirschberg & Friedman, the Court will hold a hearing in January to determine if Extreme Associates must turn over to County Sheriffs the money it has failed to pay to Tom Byron Productions.

Friedman added, "From our investigation, it appears that Extreme Associates is continuing to distribute Tom Byron's videos and, while Extreme's bank account continues to grow, Tom Byron Productions is virtually insolvent. It is our hope that, by recovering the money owed to Tom Byron Productions, the company will be able to finance its own productions without relying on outside investment."

Said Daniels, "Tom's videos are selling well domestically and overseas. He shouldn't always have to worry about financing his next video. I hope that this lawsuit will help Tom to continue to make his own videos. That was the whole point of his leaving Elegant Angel last year, and I believe that there are plenty of distributors beside Extreme Associates who would be interested in his work."

Porn journalist Darklady (Theresa Reed who wrote Tyffany Million's book on how to pick up strippers) writes on alt.cult_movies.erotica: "He [Luke] doesn't "report" on anyone. He posts gossip on his website. Oooo... sounds like serious journalism with deep meaning to me. But even without that, mainstream reporters don't list the real names of mainstream performers in the majority of articles about them. How many people really know Cary Grant's real name? Marilyn Manson's? John Denver's?

"I think the primary reason Luke posts people's "real" names is because it makes him feel like he's some sort of industry insider. Like he's got "the scoop." He's dealing with a lot of passive-aggressive behavior and dropping real names is a swell way to subtly get back at an industry that hasn't embraced him as warmly as he would like and that his guilt complex can't fully allow him to enjoy."