Monday, July 9th, 2001

Eyada Out Of Business

Numerous members of the porn industry, including myself, appeared on the internet radio station Eyada.com.

Steve writes: Bob Berkowitz is having his final show now 9:46am PT. He thanked you, mentioned you getting kicked out of your shul. Eyada just ran out of money.

BrandyAlx1: So eYada.com died, eh? Bummer, it was a nifty concept. I really liked Bob, but his producer, who also produced Chaunce Hayden, made my s---list with her attempted ambush. So, all I can say about it is if that's the way they run things, good riddance.

Come Home To Israel, Levi

Joshua writes Luke: I have read your site occasionally over the past few years and am constantly amused and sometimes very moved by your accounts of your Jewish life. However, today, I was literally moved almost to tears when I read that you had been asked to leave your shul. I guess kicked out is probably more accurate. My heart breaks trying to imagine how someone like you, whose Judaism is so much more than just the external, must have been hurt by what happened.I wrote to tell you that there are Jews, observant Jews - I dislike using the term Orthodox or Religious as there are many people who put themselves in those categories and are neither Orthodox in their lifestyles and morals nor Religious in trying to maintain a relationship with the spiritual world - but there are Jews who care more for the soul of their fellow Jews than those whose callousness caused them to eject you from their congregation. Many of us live in Israel. Some live in the U.S. I find that the Jews who choose to remain in the US are far more concerned with their material happiness than the spiritual and physical continuity of their Judaism. It pains me that you have had to suffer at the hands of people whose connection to the spiritual is so shallow that they cannot see past their prejudices to embrace someone who is clearly motivated by his love of Judaism and all that it provides. I hope that from this experience you are not turned off to your Judaism, though reading your writing I can see that you are not. I also hope that you follow through with your plans to make Aliyah. You are an asset to the Jewish people and we need you to come home. Come home Levi. This is where you belong. And when you do come, know that there are people who will welcome you. I don't know how your Hebrew is, but I wish you hatzlacha and mazal, success and luck.

Playboy Accounting

Alec writes: While you're on the subject of people bashing Playboy accounting, here's a good one. Sam Feirstein one of the accountants on Night Calls is squeezing vendors for a skim of their fees by threatening to drop them as vendors if the don't cut him in. This has been going on for the past year, and ties directly into the high turnover of producers on the show (four in the past year). A few vendors' gripes made it through to the higher-ups, but Sam somehow managed to focus the attention on the producers instead of himself and Playboy fell for it. Then again, one of the producers did get canned for sexual harassment, but that's another story.

Jamie writes: Luke, I am a Canadian subscriber to Playboy TV. I just finished watching an episode of Naughty Amateur Home Videos. The winning video from this episode depicted two pony girls. The problem is that the footage was from an episode of Sexcetera which aired last year. Also, another entry was footage from a professional porn film with pro actors which i recognized. This show is obviously fixed. Could you please investigate this?

Julie writes: I'd been hearing about that skim thing for a while now and was wondering when some vendors would blow the whistle. It's about time. As for the sexual harassment, that has to be over the art director who got groped by the producer. Not that big a deal until you factor in that he was in a relationship with one of the directors of production over there, a big scandal in the Playboy world.

As for Naughty Videos, oh yeah, all that stuff is fake. They buy from all the amatuer companies and occasionally use pro talent for their better content.

More dirtS Parker, yet another recently fired Playboy producer was making advances on all the talent he could approach in exchange for using them in his shows. Bad enough, once they made the cut and went on the road with him, it was non-stop. I hear he's at E! now, so look out Brooke Burke.

Aghast At The Intolerance

Farrell Timlake from HomegrownVideo.com writes: I have not been to the museum of Tolerance. I have been to the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, and that is a small shrine of remembrance for just one pitiful story set against the broad horrors of the Holocaust. One of the things you learn there is that one of the main reasons Dutch society is so permissive towards sex today is because of the Nazi Oppression toward SEX way back when. Unfortunately, Aghast still fails to see my points. Maybe it is time for a name change to Bewildered.

Number one. Oppressive governments, be it fascist nazi, or Islamic fundamentalist or conservative republican, find easy scapegoats in society to revile and help fuel the propaganda that allows the torture and persecution of its citizenry. Around the world, pornographers are an easy target. This is a truth that Aghast proves with an inane rebuttal that is so callous and unwilling to see the broader human issues. My point, which is verified historically, is that the smut peddlers died first when the Nazis first came into power. There may not have been six million of them. They may not have hade the most dignified profession, but still they died, killed by a Political Apparatus that formulated an agenda of destruction. Does it only seem significant to Aghast if they were Jews too? If that is the case, then does Aghast not find relevance in the fact that a major component of the propaganda against the Jews was derived from the cliché of supposed Jewish sexual deviancy?

Second. When any government tries to control and suppress something as obvious, intrinsic, fundamental, elemental, universal, and basic as sex and the way that people choose to enjoy it, then that is a danger sign, a sign of intolerance. I don't care if it manifests as a stoning in Iran or an obscenity trial in Los Angeles. (Does that sound oxymoronic to anyone else here?) When any government decides to persecute adults because of normal and consensual sex between adults, there is a problem. Aghast may see the problems as minor, but that is pathetic insensitivity to the suffering of those who are maligned as a result of that "witch hunt" mentality.

Lastly, the worst part is that if you go to a country like Iran or Singapore where they kill pornographers, one can see that this example of man's inhumanity to man continues to be proven on a daily basis. You know why you don't hear about it? Because in the back of the minds of all the intolerant folks like Aghast, there is the pathetic belief that "Well, those evil smut peddlers got what they deserved". The only way you could not see the points I am making here is if you were blinded by contempt based on stereotypes formulated by your prior beliefs.

Aghast, if you cannot find it in yourself to join www.homegrownvideo.com and become a better person through enjoying your inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness, then I suggest you come out in all your fascist glory. Put on a couple of your favorite swastikas on your crisp brown shirt and move to Idaho. Send a couple of goons to break my legs because I am just a miserable, whining, porn profiteer looking for society to cut me a break. You will have to, because trust me, I will not be walking into the gas chambers filling with the hot air of your venomous statements and poisonous sentiments. To my dying breath, I stand by the point I am making and I will not be censored by the indignation of your rebuttal, Aghast.

Aghast writes: This is my final response to Mr. Farrell Timlake. A) Because he fails to recognize the inappropriateness of his crass Holocaust analogy and B) He shamelessly uses each rebuttal to plug his web site.

For the record I am a porn fan and I support Seymore in his court case. I personally find violence far more obscene than any form of consensual sex. Mr. Butts did, however, take a calculated risk in filming the first American fisting scene in 20 years and knew what the repercussion might be. So now he goes to trial in the very permissive city of Los Angeles where I believe he WILL be exonerated. My only problem with you was your invoking of the holocaust in a matter most would consider trivial if ridiculous. Good day and good luck to Seymore.

Foxe Awards Sunday Night

Bill Margold's Fans of X-rated Entertainment (FOXE) group held its annual awards show tonight at the Mayan Club in downtown Los Angeles at 1038 S. Hill St.

Skeeter Kerkove writes about his wife Bridgette: B.K. won a fan favorite award tonight at the FOXE awards. That made her happy because she loves her fans. They are all so nice to her. GOD BLESS BRIDGETTE KERKOVE. B.K. just finished up her WICKED shoot, Brad Armstrong did an awesome job. The movie will even surpass Dreamquest. B.K. did a scene with EVAN STONE and another scene with Lee Stone. Wicked is B.K.'s favorit company to work for. Jonathon Morgan and Brad Armstrong always get the very best out of B.K. B.K. says they are the most passionate directors in porn, they really do care. B.K. said SYDNEE STEELE should get at least two awards from this movie, she did such an awesome job. Wicked was very, very smart signing SYDNEE, she is the best professional in the business. With Sydnee, there is "NO DRAMA" She always does a perfect job. God Bless Porn!

AVN.com reports: LOS ANGELES- Kim Chambers, Jill Kelly, Bridgette Kerkove, Tera Patrick, Mr. Marcus and Randy Spears were honored as fan favorites at last night's annual Fans of X-Rated Entertainment (FOXE) festivities at the downtown Mayan Theatre. In accepting her award, Kelly stunned the crowd by announcing that she will be retiring from performing next year.

Porn Girl Injures Wrestler

THIS IS JEFF IN NYC-Hi,Luke You'll probably be hearing about this soon:last nite at the XPW wrestling show in L.A. Porn actress veronica caine did a spot where she was to light a table on fire and wrestler Supreme was going to be put through the table-apparently she used way too much lighter fluid and supreme was severely burned after going face first through the table-Rob Black did NOT cancel the show at that point.

Craig writes: The wrestling dirt sheets have been burning up about the story of XPW wrestler, Supreme, getting badly burned in a spot gone wrong at a show Saturday night in L.A. They have been referring to Veronica Caine, who allegedly over did the lighter fluid motiff which supposedly aggravated the situation, as a "local" porn actress.

I was not familiar with her. Do you know anything about her? Does she f--- for money? Because if the reports from the show are even half-truthful, she will be extremely limited in what she can do at wrestling shows. Of course, these limitations supposedly manifested itself in the incident. Reports from the show state wrestling fans, the most sensitive people in the galaxy, yelling things like "I smell barbeque," and other vulgarisms. The building supposedly stunk of light fluid after the incident. I can't help but wonder if this was a bad work over exagerated or if it was legit. If it were the latter, Rob Black could be facing an investigation by the fire marshall; the state athletic commission and any insurance parties involved as well as the owners of the building where the show took place.

However, the goombah fraternity of boys whose last names end in vowels will no doubt make this thing go away and if Caine is indeed a porn actress, she'll no doubt be relegated to bukkake and all anal endeavors.

Philippino Underground Video Hit

Fox writes: Hi Luke, I wrote to let you know that here in the Philippines the number one underground video that is being sold in Video CD format is "Cebu Boarding House Scandal" This is a video that spread out in local news mid last year about College student couples in San Carlos University in Cebu (A capital province in Philippines) which were unawareley caught on film engaging sex while in a friends boarding House. I've heard that the guy who owns the place there secretly planted cameras behind mirror glasses or small holes in rooms & Shower areas and informed his son to invite classmates & friends to have that a place to stay for party & fun.

Seymore Butts Goes To Trial Monday

Adam Glasser aka Seymore Butts goes to trial in a downtown Los Angeles courtroom Monday morning facing obscenity charges relating to his video Tampa Tushy Fest which contains a graphic fisting scene between Chloe and Alisha Klass.

I spoke with Seymore by phone Sunday morning and asked him about the hit he's taken from Rob Black's Extreme Associates.

"Come on, isn't this wrestling fodder?" said Mr. Butts. "I don't have any comments. It's not reality. It's Rob Black's fantasy world."

Seymore's attorney Roger Diamond estimates the trial will take between five and eight days.

"I've gotten lots of call and emails of support from the industry," says Butts. "From that perspective, I've felt supported. From the Free Speech Coalition, I haven't received a phone call or anything from them about this case. AVN has been very supportive in providing access to information. Is Rob Black part of the industry? How supportive is he being?

"Everybody that we've asked to participate as expert witnesses has agreed, so long as it has been within their schedule. Unfortunately for us, there's a sexologist convention in Croatia right now but I think people are returning this week. Our witnesses will include Chloe, a doctor, somebody from AVN, and some other witnesses. We've let them [prosecution] know about our witnesses but we don't necessarily let them know about the scope of their testimony."

Seymore says he won't be calling his ex-girlfriend Alisha Klass to testify in his defense. "Which is probably unfortunate for her because it's a publicity opportunity. PBS Frontline is petitioning the courts to put cameras in and we'll have some other media people in the courtroom covering it. It'll be a circus and you know how Miss Klass loves circuses."

Mr. Butts says he's always distributed two versions of Tampa Tushy Fest, one for more conservative communities which does not contain the fisting scene.

Luke: "Do you regret distributing a fisting version now that you've gone through this hassle?"

Seymore: "From the hassle perspective, from the tension and anxiety that the courtroom seems to give me, yes. From the principle standpoint, no. I feel good about the movie. I wouldn't have released it if I didn't feel good about it. I feel great about the scene. A lot of other people feel great about the scene because it has been awarded by two different organizations [AVN and XRCO] the scene of the year award.

"Fisting? What are we talking about? The issue of thumbs. Because four fingers, I could show you movies all day long with four fingers inserted in a girl. But the thumb seems to make the difference. I can show you movies where two hands with eight fingers are inserted. However so long as the thumbs are out, everything's good. It just seems ridiculous and hypocritical to me that the thumb makes that much difference.

"I have find out, and I am sure that a lot of people know, that fisting is a regular part of a lot of people's lives. Especially in the gay communities. Look at Europe. Everybody in America wouldn't be shooting European versions with fisting if it wasn't a subject that people were interested in."

Luke: "Did you tell Bob Berkowitz that the vice squad, when they busted you, said that pornographers would be seeing a lot more of them in the months ahead?"

Seymore: "No. I was quoting what Legend's Jeff Steward said the vice officers told him when they busted him. The officers I dealt with seemed apologetic and simply wanted copies of the videotape."

Luke: "So what kind of penalties could you face for a misdemeanor obscenity conviction?"

Seymore: "Right now they've piled up the counts between corporations and my mother and myself. Each count is worthy of six months in county jail and a thousand dollar fine. We don't anticipate that even if there was a guilty conviction. We're first time offenders.

"When they offered a plea Friday of two years probation and one count guilty of obscenity, no jail time, and all charges dropped against my mother and my companies, if I thought this movie was a problem, I would've taken that. That's an easy way out that others in the industry have taken. It hasn't been publicised but others have taken that route many times."

Luke: "If you pled guilty, it would set you up for future convictions?"

Seymore: "Absolutely. From a federal level, yeah. And now there seems to be a [federal] agenda, who wants to take that chance?

"So far we've had Legend hit after me. And they haven't been notified what's going to happen with that. We know that Extreme's had a purchase made by a vice officer (Stephen Patterson). The same vice officer that bought from Legend and myself. Who else has that Stephen Patterson name on their list? I don't know. Are they looking at this case as a gauge for how they're going to act in the future? Possibly. If they get a conviction, maybe there will be more busts. If they don't get a conviction, maybe they will decide that there are better ways to spend their time."

Luke: "Will you use Extreme Associates in your defense, claiming they do stuff far more obscene than what you've done?"

Seymore: "I would never use the term more obscene because I don't do anything obscene. What anybody who's going to be facing what I face will have to do is point out comparable materials. Not worse than. Comparable videos and comparable magazines. We plan to show a rubber fist sex toy that readily available. In an obscenity case, you have to educate the jury as to what is available out there because you can't assume that the jury is familiar with our industry. If somebody is completely unfamiliar with our industry, it puts us at a disadvantage."

Luke: "Have you kept releasing titles under the name Seymore Butts since your trial with Sunshine Video? I see you own SeymoreButts.com."

Seymore: "Absolutely. I've never stopped using the name and there will soon be an announcement made on the case you're talking about."

Luke: "How many movies are you releasing a month and has been affected by all your legal disputes?"

Seymore: "My company has been affected by all my legal cases. It's been nonstop for quite a while. I defended Alisha [Klass], Samantha [Style] and Halle [Ashton] in an obscenity case [they were busted for flashing at a Seymore Butts booth at the April 1998 Erotica LA]. That was three lawyers. That went on for over a year. The case was eventually dropped.

"I've had a lot of experience in the courtroom lately and it has affected my company. I used to release one movie a month. Now I release one movie every other month. But I make up for it with other lines that I distribute. Today I distribute more movies than I did a year ago however they're not all Seymore Butts movies.

"Like I've done for the last ten years, my movies are a chronicle of my life. I still have sex on camera. Always seen through my eyes. Shot point of view. We have one contract girl - McKayla Mathews."

Luke: "Has anyone donated?"

Seymore: "No though we've had one offer. We haven't accepted yet. We asked distributors, retailers and fans to buy a few more of our movies. Check out our web site. That will help us, if you believe in what we do. We try to deliver quality product."

Luke: "What happened with your dispute with Ultimate Pictures?"

Seymore: "It's confidential but I am happy with it."

Luke: "This is the fourth legal battle you've had in the last four years?"

Seymore: "That you would know about."

Mr. Butts has spent about one million dollars on legal fees in the last five years.

Luke: "Do you enjoy the legal jousting?"

Seymore: "I'm a survivor. When a battle is put before me, I generally won't back down. Look at the Rob Black situation. It took me one hour to figure out that it wasn't worth my time. But other things are. When somebody wants to take your name, you have to fight. When somebody accuses you of something obscene that you don't believe is obscene, you have to fight."

Luke: "How satisfied are you with your internet operation TeamTushy.com?"

Seymore: "On a scale of one to ten, five. It is one of the things that has suffered because of my time obligations to this legal stuff."

Seymore's contract girl McKayla Mathews writes: HELLO LUKE! I HOPE YOU AND ALL OF YOUR READERS ARE WELL. I JUST WANTED TO COMMEND YOU ON YOUR ARTICLES CONCERNING SEYMORES' TRIAL. YOU'VE REMAINED TASTEFUL AND ACCURATE WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR SOME OTHER WEBSITES. IT'S NICE TO SEE THAT THERE ARE A FEW PEOPLE IN THIS BUSINESS THAT STILL CONSIDER IT A BUSINESS AND NOT AN EXUSE TO BADMOUTH PEOPLE LIKE LITTLE BOYS. I HOPE THAT EVERYONE CAN LEND SEYMORE ALL THE SUPPORT HE NEEDS RIGHT NOW. AND IF PEOPLE BUY HIS MOVIES THEY CAN SEE MY SASSY ASS(MINUS THE FISTING!)! KEEP UP THE GREAT SITE, LUKE, AND MY LOVE TO EVERYONE! YOUR TUSHYGIRL- MCKAYLA MATTHEWS

Seymore Butts Chat Transcript

Stephanie Dunn at AdultDVDTalk provides this:

Here's a quickie messy partial transcript from the [Thursday nightchat at SeymoreButts.com].

seymore: trial starts monday city attorney filed motion today to supress all evidence except for the movie- so there might be a pre-trial hearing [what evidence?]

seymore: experts- community standards- comparable materials

five_star: seymore- were you surprised that they tried to supress all evidence except the movie or was that expected seymore: we were surprised because the precedent for this type of evidence being relative has already been established by the courts

five_star: seymore- is this whole thing becasue of fisting or is there something else?

seymore: we assume its fisting because thats the only thing that makes this movie different from most of my others

seymore: they have not told us why they find it obscene but laws state that movie must be viewed as a whole

Brad 24: is there laws against "fisting"? was it anal "fisting"?

seymore: obscenity is defined by community standards- no individual acts are defined

[is the video with the fisting available?]

seymore: it already was and still available in some stores- we have stopped selling that version until after the trial

five_star: seymore- basically if you win the case will that mean that fisting is an acceptable part of the 'community standard" ?

seymore: in los angeles- yes

[who's in the fisting scene?]

seymore: fisting scene- chloe and alisha klass

five_star: seymore- maybe this is secret or something but are you going to testify in court?

seymore: it looks like i will be testifying

five_star: Seymore- have you read Phil Harvey's book?

seymore: have not read harveys book yet but am planning on it

Brad 24: whose idea was it to start fisting? did alisha want it? or was it your idea seemore?

seymore: the fisting idea was the girls and was suggested about 30 minutes before we began shooting

seymore: it was my decision to release the tape of course

five_star: seymore- tell me if this is correct....you can insert 4 fingers or even 8 fingers on 2 hands, but as soon a thumbs go in it's considered fisting seymore: correct

[will any porn stars be talking the stand in your defense?]

seymore: chloe will be a witness

Brad 24: so seemore are you still producing a new movie or does this case put you on hold?

seymore: still producing- just no fisting [when asked about DVDs]

seymore: dvds- 3 released- 3 cumming in 2 weeks

HoustonDon: what are your best dvd's seymore?

seymore: don- female ejaculation and mission to uranus

five_star: seymore- I hear all kinds of conflicting information....do you own the name or does Sunshine?

seymore: i own the name seymore: will be doing an interview with pbs' frontline about the case next weekend

seymore: gotta get going- have a very early meeting with lawyers. thank you all for your support and have a great night. next chat will be monday night july 16th. anything i missed please email me -seymore@earthlink.net

Get Off Your Ass

Fred writes Luke: Fred writes: Sir-- I think you should attend Mr. Butts's trial on Monday. Frankly, I've never attended such an event, and it would be interesting to see what sort of evidence they put on, how it's presented, and what sort of jury they pick.

Exactly how does one go about trying to prove that "anal fisting" is or is not obscene? Exactly how does one go about trying to prove that it is or is not within the ambit of community standards? What sort of voir dire (pre-trial jury questioning) is asked?

Who will the defense try to bounce? Who will the prosecution try to bounce? (I can see it now--"Well, Mr. prospective juror--have you ever been anally fisted? Have you ever anally fisted anyone?")

It would also be interesting to know who else is there at the trial. Are other journalists covering this amazing event? Have any of the porno producers sent people to watch and report on the proceedings?

Sir, I think this would actually be the most interesting thing you could possibly cover. It would also be interesting to bring Brandy or Kendra along to see what they think.

BTW, I think trials like these are important. They show both prosecutors and pornographers what a jury will or will not let people get away with in a particular jurisdiction.

Finally, I would really like to read the direct and cross examination of Chloe.

JMT writes: I second the motion. Cover the trial. Meaning actually go to the courthouse, watch the proceedings, take notes, interview people, and write about it -- don't just transcribe phone calls, or cut and paste emails from other people. This is going to have a much broader impact than just whether Seymore can sell fisting tapes. If the cops win this one, it will embolden them to go back to actively trying to prosecute the porn business. And it'll probably inspire the feds to jump back into it too, especially now that we're going to have an FBI director who was supposedly selected in part on his willingness to "defer" to Ashcroft.

Luke says: I'm afraid the stories about Chasey Lain and her drug problems are true. Cops were called on her, she was arrested, her kid was taken away. She's been strung out on drugs. Ask the people at Vivid.

JMT writes: Get the booking photo, and publish it. If she's really now an 80 lb. crack whore, it'll be obvious.

My Son, The Stud

By Goddess for MikeSouth.com

You know how when you first start dating someone, you're happy to know any little tidbit about them, like boxers or briefs, Coke or Pepsi, Beatles or the Rolling Stones? But there comes a time when you yearn to know more than surface garbage. You want to know what makes them tick. Now that I've been dating.I mean "working" for Mike South (once again the line between fantasy and reality blurs), I wanted to know more about him. I wanted to know the important stuff. So what if he starts every day by looking into the mirror and saying, "Mike, you're a lean, mean, oral sex machine"? So what if I know he spends most of his day autographing pictures of himself to himself? Everybody knows that about Mike.

There had to be something deeper. I was almost sure of it. But where could I get the answers I needed? Lord knows my lazy assed efforts at stalking him had fallen short, especially since I'm loathe to leave the house lest I miss an episode of The Young and the Restless. Drive all that way to Mike's house to drool over him? Are you nuts?! All those hours on the freeway? It ain't happenin'. Call him on the phone? I'm not lining AT&T's pockets. No, I knew I would have to get close to the people closest to Mike to uncover his deep, dark secrets. But who? His many, many, many ex-wives? Nope. They had only two words for me: alimony checks. As long as he continued to sign 'em, their lips were sealed. His girlfriends? Nada. Zip. Zilch. It took me days to go through the Rolodex with all the names of his female "acquaintances," but no luck. Seems he really IS the best at cunnilingus, and they weren't talkin'. His guy friends? Doesn't seem to have any. Mike refers to it as "eliminating the competition." His favorite schoolteachers? All dead or rapping heavily on death's door. Hey, it's not like this guy's in his twenties any more! The most likely candidates to blab? His ex-girlfriends. Sorry, but Mike is the only guy I know who does NOT have a single EX-girlfriend. Every girl he has ever dated rotates around him like a little satellite in the solar system of lust. Just when you think she's totally disappeared, around she comes. Oh, it may take a year or two, but trust me, like Arnold, she'll be back. "Mike," giggle, giggle, "I want you to do me again." Giggle, giggle. Yeah, I know. Nauseates the hell out of me, too.

Then it hit me like a scotch on the rocks on an empty stomach: nobody on the planet would know Mike South better than his family. And how cool would that be? Ratted out by your own MOM! So I schemed and I plotted (aka "procrastinated") and schemed some more, because well, this gave me an excuse to lay around in my underwear all day doing nothing. "Dishes?! I can't do dishes, damn it! Can't you see I'm scheming?! Geez, can't a woman get a little peace and quiet when she's plotting?" (Note to self: the next time you decide to spend all that time scheming and plotting, stock up on Ding Dongs first.)

Finally when it was close to my deadline, three days past to be specific--I emailed Katherine and said, "Would you be willing to do an interview about your son Mike?" and she said, "Mike who?" Kidding. Just kidding. She was very cooperative. And it is not my fault if she spilled her guts because she somehow got the impression that I was writing this piece for a national magazine. (Psst! A piece of advice for would-be interviewers: if you want to get someone to really open up, mention the words TIME and magazine in the same sentence. It's amazing what people will tell you.)

This is my fourth interview and I'm very proud of it. Well, technically, it's my fifth if you count my conversation with Jarod, the five-year-old neighbor boy, who I interviewed for practice. When Jarod grows up, he wants to be either Pepe LaPew or the letter "C". Oddly enough, those were the exact same aspirations Luke F-rd cited during his interview.

I know that you will find Katherine every bit as intelligent, insightful and engaging as I did. She is very candid and honest about her views on sexuality and Mike's career choice. Currently, the self-proclaimed romantic is single, but involved. She loves dancing, reading crime dramas and it's very clear that she loves her children. She's also graciously agreed to adopt me since my mommy has no time for me, making me --I think--the first stalker in history to be adopted by her stalkee's mom. Ain't she sweet?

Katherine, what did you think when Mike first told you that he was acting in/directing adult videos?

"I was not happy. I was disappointed that he couldn't find a more wholesome way for his special talents."

Do you remember that day? Because I would think a day like that would be seared in your memory, not unlike the day a son comes home and says, "Mom, I got some girl pregnant, but not to worry. She's gonna support us on her checks from that high class call girl gig she's got goin' on."

"He never told me that he wanted to be a porno actor. I just kinda came to that realization a little at a time. I was just sick inside about it actually and still am. I have talked to him many, many times about the many awful diseases that are out there, but he just assure me that he is very careful about his partners having blood tests before he films. I really don't believe for a minute that that is 100% safe, but there is absolutely nothing that I can do except pray."

Have you ever seen one of Mike's videos?

"Absolutely not, and I never will."

Have you ever been on one of his sets while he was "working"?

"No, and again I never will unless he is working on something a little more pleasing to my eye."

Every time I chat with Mike, he's eating raw cookie dough. Don't you worry about him getting salmonella poisoning?

"I worry about Mike getting a lot of diseases. He also loves raw seafood and that can be dangerous, not to mention all the other lovely things out there nowadays."

Have you ever met any of Mike's female co-stars? If so, what did you think of them?

"No, not that I know of. Of course, it is possible. I have liked all the girls that Mike has introduced me to with one exception. I am not very judgmental."

At what age did Mike stop wetting the bed? Of course, I'm assuming here that he has stopped wetting the bed.

"Mike was a late potty trainer. He was a little lazy. He was around three."

I have a slight problem that I can't talk to my own mom about, so since you've gracious agreed to "adopt" me, I'll pose my problem to you. I write a column for this guy whose name I can't reveal but I will say this much, he is a porn director/actor and he lives in the "SOUTH." While I have a very happy marriage, this guy is always trying to lure me away from my happy home with promises of wild monkey sex with him. What should I do?!

"Don't even go there! I wouldn't recommend him to anybody's daughter, much less mine. NO, NO, NO!"

DAMN, DAMN, DAMN! I never get to have any fun. If you had a daughter (other than me, of course), do you think you would have the same reaction to her doing porn as you did with Mike?

"Yes, only more so. I think sex is a beautiful statement of life, but it is very private and personal to me. It is not something I want to watch or have others watch, and I would hope that my daughter felt the same way, too."

Do your friends know what Mike does for a living? If so, have any of them ever reacted negatively towards you because of his porn career?

"Some of my friends do. The men think it is great, and would like to offer their services in any way needed. The women are silently saying prayers of thanks that he is not theirs."

Do you have any influence with Mike? I need a raise..

"No, I don't think so. If I did, I would teach him to save money, not spend it. So I guess I'm not much help there."

Sigh. That new Kia is just gonna have to wait. What was Mike like growing up?

"Mike was outgoing, funny, very intelligent, obedient, respectful and a bit of a daredevil. He was never any trouble at home or at school. He was really a great kid."

What did you think of the whole "two wives at one time" thing?

"I thought it was kind of funny. It seemed to get him a lot of attention and he dearly loves attention, so I liked it."

How many bottles of Miss Clairol does it take to cover all the gray Mike has given you? You don't need to give me the exact number, a rough estimate will do.

"I have used about 12 a year since Mike was a teenager. Thank the Lord for those little bottles."

It's a well-known fact that daughters never cause gray hair. (It's called "ingratiating yourself with Mom.") Have you ever known Mike to date anyone his own age?

"He has dated quite a few women his age. Some I have liked very much, and would have liked to have seen him settle down with. I have also liked some of the younger ones just as much."

Has he ever dated a chubby girl?

"Not since high school."

Mike said I look like one of those uglee troll dolls like we had when we were kids. (Sniff, sniff. He's SUCH a meanie!) At the next family gathering, will you give him a good hard kick in the ass for me?

"Absolutely. But you have to understand that Men are from Mars and we all know that planet is filled with assholes."

Mike is always calling me "Blondie," and he thinks I'm too stupid to figure out that he's insulting me. At the next family gathering, will you.well, I think you know what I'm going to ask.

"Refer to my previous answer, Sweetheart."

Thanks, Mom, I knew I could count on you. They say the best predictor of how a man will treat his wife is how he treats his mom. How does Mike treat you?

"With a lot of love and respect. He has always been thoughtful and kind hearted with me."

Luke F-rd a Jewish wannabe adult gossip columnist on the Internet said I write in a "whiney, pre-menstrual kind of way." Will you please ask Mike to beat the living crap out of him for me?

"Well, yes, I always fight for my little ones. Just ask Mikey."

Take that, Luke F-rd! Do you remember what Mike wanted to be when he was little? Were the words "porn actor/director" EVER mentioned?

"No, never, but he has always wanted to be in the limelight, so I guess he has found his niche. He is very good with computers and always has been. He just fell right into that when he got out of school. He has even taught at a college level. I bet that might surprise you. That is what I wish he wold take more seriously."

Is Mike a sloppy housekeeper? Inquiring minds want to know.

"Yes, Mike has always and will always be sloppy. Or maybe "messy" is a better word."

I'm going to list a few of Mike's habits/traits, and I'd like you to tell me which side of the family they came from?

Intelligence: "My side"
Stubbornness: "Father's side"
Brooding good looks: "My side"
Cradle robbing: "Father's side"
So called "acting abilities: ""Who knows? God, I just don't know where that came from."

No woman knows Mike better than his mom. What do you think is the key to winning Mike's heart---for longer than two months, I mean.

"She must have a good sense of humor, be flexible, must certainly know how to make tea properly*, be a good money manager . It would help if she liked his mother and brother, absolutely did not do drugs or drink too much. I guess she would have to understand his movie making talents and not get too upset about it. I really don't see how any woman could understand that, but maybe I'm old fashioned."

What kind of temperament does Mike have?

"Changeable. Sometimes Mike is a ray of sunshine and happy and wants to talk. Other times he is like a thundercloud just waiting to send hail on everything in sight. One thing though, he never does is talk badly about anybody. He has a talent for seeing only the good. Sometimes he will trust when he shouldn't."

When Mike was little, did you have any indication that he would someday be taking if off in front of the camera?

"I think Mike was about 2, and we lived out in the country at the time. He went out in the yard to play and a friend of my husband's came to the door and there was Mike standing beside him with not a stitch of clothes on but his heavy coat, unzipped of course. My husband's friend just thought that was the funniest thing he had seen in a long time. Of course, I was mortified. It was pretty cute, though."

I don't mean to alarm you, Mom, but I think Mike still goes outside dressed that way. If you had a daughter, how would you feel about her doing porn?

"I would absolutely hate it, but I would love her anyway."

Did you talk to Mike about sex when he was younger?

"No, I didn't. I was a little inhibited about sex at that time, and I just didn't know how to approach it."

Do you think you and Mike have a close relationship?

"Yes, I think that Mike and I are very close. I can talk to Mike about anything and he never judges. His advice is very sound and well thought out. I talk to Mike's brother about a lot more things than I used to and we have become very close in the last year, but there are a few things that I go to Mike about still."

Jim Gunn, another adult video director has refused to let me interview him. Why do you think that is, Mom? I'm a nice person, damn it!

"Well, there we go again, which helps to prove my point. You need to learn to use 'em and lose 'em."

What do you want most for Mike?

"I wish that Mike would expend as much energy on his computer expertise as he does this porn."

Do you think Gene Ross is every bit as dreamy as I do?

"I do love to look at a good looking, nice bodied man. That's my biggest problem in finding the right man, unfortunately."

Whoa! You can look, but you can't touch, Mom, Gene is mine! Now, if you could change one thing about that son of yours, what would it be?

"I guess I would want him to be a little more responsible with money. Mike is a "now" person. He doesn't think much about the future. I worry about the future too much and don't enjoy the "now" as much as I should."

Katherine, Mike once told me that he ate paste when he was in kindergarten. To the best of your knowledge, does he still eat it? And do you think the paste rotting his brain cells has anything to do with him wanting to take his clothes off and have sex in front of a camera?

"I'm not sure, but maybe that is why he needs to lose a pound or two. I have no earthly idea why he would want to do those videos, but it seems to be a Mars type thingas in "Men Are From."

Somewhere on the planet there is a guy sitting his mom down right not to give her the infamous "Mom, I want to be a porno actor" speech. What kind of advice can you give this Mom for keeping it together?

"The advice I would give a mother is just keep loving him and get a new prayer stool because she is surely going to need it."

Send any questions/comments or iced tea recipes to imaGoddessru@yahoo.com. Email Mike South at xxxsouth@bellsouth.net.

Goddess To Interview Luke's Mom?

Goddess writes: hey, lukey baby, what's the chances i could interview *your* mom????

Luke writes: You'd have to promise to be really good and not ask her anything that will make her cry...no gross or sexual questions.

Goddess replies: hmmm, that would eliminate all questions about *you* then, wouldn't it????

Luke writes: It would help you if you did not use the email address Goddess when you wrote her, remember she's a Christian...and she'll be offended.

Goddess replies: Tell me you're NOT serious.

Luke replies: I realize that you secular reductionist types find this such blasphemy amusing, but those of us who take God and religion seriously are not amused. Western religions like Judaism and Christianity refer to God in the masculine for good reason.

Goddess replies: A. i take God VERY seriously and B. the name Goddess has nothing whatsoever to do with how I feel about A. I'm slapping your mom's name on the "maybe" list. I'm finishing my interview with Qman and am starting one with Fritz, but after that, I'm gonna ask Mom.