Wednesday,
May 23rd, 2001
Shay Sights Available?
BigDoggie.net reports: She's apparently available through Nici's new endeavor, NYC-fantasies. She listed on the NY-Exotics website. Just saw an extremely nasty photo layout in "the best of Fox" magazine... definitely hot!
Lukey, You Better Post This On Your Site
FearZeus writes: Ahh Lukey....what am I going to do with you? When you asked me what I thought about Joy King, I didn't think you would post it on your site for the world to see!! Now I see why Bobby Spallone is quite fond of you....You have some huge cannonballs in your sack hanging between those Aussie kangaroo legs of yours!!! I'm not in favor of attacking or ridiculing any woman in public. Although she is lucky she's a woman....if she was a guy and with the comments she has said about me behind my back.....let's just say I wouldn't have given a bucket of piss to be her ass!! But I don't condone threatening women. There is no place on this earth for that!!!
Rob says: FearZeus is a f---ing queer and he's got no balls unless he calls me up. I don't date none of the girls. You know that Lukey... I think they're all prostitutes. They do more in their personal life than they do on the movie screen. I can't be with a girl like that.
Luke Gets It Wrong - Again
Luke writes Fantasyman at Cybererotica.com: I hear you've scrapped the Naked Webmaster News...and sold the technology to AOL?
Fantasyman replies: As usual your information is wrong.
A Woman And Her Doggie
Charles writes Luke: See the letters section of the New York Press. Interesting take on an article they chose to publish last week by a woman who claims she jerks off her dog. Lots of letters from guys bitching (pardon the profanity) that they cannot get laid in New York, yet here is a woman willing to give a dog a hand job. Right up your alley.
Johnny Anarch writes NYPress.com: I read with great interest and considerable panting Amanda Cale’s absurdly disgusting article on "Sex with the Family Dog" ("First Person," 5/16). Although I am not technically a dog, I was raised by badgers until my 16th birthday and consequently, just like her beloved Nero, I, too, have absolutely no idea what to do with my penis when it gets hard.
Why is it so difficult for me to find a woman who, with only a nudge of my furry snout, will find it in her heart to afford me the kind of relief that Ms. Cale so selflessly extends to her beagle or cocker spaniel or whatever the hell it is? Why am I required to go through the rigmarole of actually finding a woman on my own, buying her Chinese food, sitting through two hours of some dumbass Mel Gibson movie, smelling her farts, getting her sloppy drunk and then chasing her down the street with a soft-boiled egg just to get the 30 seconds of attention that a stupid f---ing mongrel gets simply lying on its back and exposing its swollen genitals? Believe me, I’ve done that too, with mixed results. I’m just as cute as any schnauzer or mixed terrier and I have the Polaroids to prove it! Anyway, should Ms. Cale’s dog get hit by a bus, please give her my e-mail address. I’m not quite housebroken yet, but I do happily relieve myself on New York Press.
Allan Peda writes: I am truly touched to read the sensitive article Amanda Cale has written about her dog’s sexual frustration, and her wonderful solution. I am, however, concerned that she has missed an opportunity to augment her income by several thousand dollars by electing to only write about it for New York Press. I’m sure there are many enterprising website owners with the resources, expertise and equipment necessary to put out a quality "instructional" online video. The market for this is tremendous, and I’m sure the financial reward would be far greater. All for simply satisfying her canine companion’s unfulfilled sexual needs.
Barry Popik writes: Regarding the "First Person" article (5/16), it’s hard to believe that I’m unmarried and unloved in a city where women help dogs masturbate.
Anonymous writes: After reading the article by Amanda Cale I must admit that I was–well–rather disgusted. How, I wondered, could any person attempt to meet THAT kind of need for an animal?
For the next few hours I mulled over this article and decided to read it again–surely I was missing some hidden justification for Amanda’s actions. After reading and rereading I finally realized that the author did not seek justification or acceptance. She was, I rationalized, a woman doing what she felt she could to make her pet more at ease.
At first I felt like shouting, "This is wrong, wrong, wrong," but then I realized I felt no true authority to tell this woman what is right or wrong. While I don’t necessarily agree with her decision to "help" her pet, I do applaud her informing the rest of us as to what happens behind closed doors. This is New York City, with so many diverse peoples and views of life. If there is any place Amanda belongs, it is here.
l-keford.com's Official Glossary
Don Ho writes: What does it mean to "speak Russian," you ask? Well, it might mean to have sex with Vicca and Nikita. But, more generally speaking, "Russian" = tit f---.
Chaim Amalek writes: Thank you for expanding my vocabulary. you know, you ought to provide a glossary to l-keford.com so that those of us not "in the know" (e.g., the members of your bet din) can better follow along.
Luke says: Here it is.
Chaim replies: Wow, this IS helpful, but I suspect that it is incomplete. For example, you need to explain the oral law and why it is that it is written.
We are in the Last Days of the Golden Age of American Jewery. These people should do a lot more to welcome converts to the fold instead of keeping them out. They fail to see the demographic tsunami that is certain to engulf the Juden of America within a generation or two if they fail to act as Amalek urges.
Luke says: I'm afraid that my glossary might promote anti-Semitism and desecrate the name of God by combining porn speak with Torah terms.
Chaim replies: How can teaching torah be a chillel hashem? A true Jew is not ashamed of any aspect of the torah that god gave to Moses on Mount Sinai, written or oral. So tell the goyim about marriage to toddlers and screw what the gentiles think. We are jews; they will think whatever we tell them to think, remember?
By the way, that question I posed regarding the fraction of your daily conversations held with folks who are hispanic/black should become a standard part of your toolkit. Puts folks on the defensive right off the bat.
Re LL's comments, among New York Shiksas, jewish men are now known as "Q-Tips" for the size of their genitalia. We are indeed the smallest of the small, both in length and in girth. Fortunately, by wrapping a jewish penis in lightly fried bacon, it can be made to appear to be much larger in girth. You should try that sometimes. It also makes oral sex much more palatable to the woman, especially if she likes pork. Just be sure to wear a protective sleeve of steel underneath the bacon, for obvious reasons.
Warning to Satan: There is No "Levi", only Luke, and he belongs to the Christian World!
Chaim Amalek writes Luke: Boy, was that ever an oddball statement. Your the one in porn, and you demand that SHE act more jewishly by accompanying you to shul and integrating herself into jewish life? Do you really think that you are integrated into jewish life, working in porn, just because you go to shul? Listen Luke, that really is goyishe thinking (and I should know since I now live as a Christian - I get a much better deal). If you want a religion that "hates the sin but loves the sinner" then Judaism is not a wise choice for you. Better that you join me in the universal love of Christ, and be in a place where all are welcome no matter how far they have fallen. Satan, HANDS OFF LUKE!
You know, now that you have been banished from albumside.com, Tuesdays just don't seem as much fun anymore. SO WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU ON THE AM/FM RADIO or TV? (Or, to again quote that (nonjewish) woman I met at a party, "Why aren't you rich? I know lots of jewish men who are nowhere near as smart as you and they all have so much money. WHY AREN'T YOU RICH?" I felt like asking her "Why aren't you younger and hotter than you are?")
Luke asks: Was she talking about me or you?
Chaim replies: Oy, typical Luke F-rd egotism. Of course she asked it of me and not you. First of all, I never have mentioned your name to anyone I know to avoid being tainted by what you do (the splash goes pretty far), and second because, in all honesty, I am pretty sure that no one I know has ever heard of you. You have the 6,000th most popular site on the web, not the 100th most watched show on television. (And how famous would THAT make you? Not very.) Outside of porn and LA torah-jews (among whom you no doubt are already a legend) no one knows of you.
You who move in porn circles do not fully appreciate just how ghettoized you are from the mainstream.
In Defense Of Levi
Yankel wrote: Of course her family are upset. Maybe you don't realize it, but your site is repellent. ... Your site covers, in graphic detail, pornographic narratives that most normal people never imagine.
Curious interjects: Dear Yankel, I must admit that yes, Luke does work in an extremely sordid and sinful environment, but in his defense, I must point out that he has remained pure, untouched and insulated from the gross depravity and vile temptations that surround him. Luke continues to be a gentle soul whose commitment to God and truth is absolutely unassailable. He stands alone in the cesspool of porn as a shining beacon of both dignity and class. Luke has proven time and again to be an upstanding porn journalist deserving of both industry accolades and his peers' respect. Luke. I salute you.
Helpful writes Luke: Caution. Isn't this the same "deal breaker" that shattered the Kendra Jade involvement?
Elysse Metcalf Found Not Guilty In Cincinnatti
Count Orrlock writes on RAME: Undercover police officers went into her store and looked for a gay porn title. When they didn't find it, they asked her to special order it for them (along with two hetero titles.) When the movie arrived and she called and told them it was in, then they arrested her! What a crock!
Oddly enough, it was the video (Jeff Stryker?) that Larry Flynt was arrested for having several years earlier in Cincinnati. Mr. Flynt didn't think he could win the case, so he pulled the title and settled out of court. At least the jury got to watch four hours of porn...
Nate Glass writes on RAME: Sad thing is that this kind of thing happens a LOT, at least here in Dallas. From our store alone there is at least one clerk going to trial for obscenity every few weeks, but no one chooses to make that a big news story, wonder when I'll read about the fact that since we decided to start fighting these obscenity charges we are 6-0. Wonder when I'll read about the District Attorney having difficulty finding people to prosecute the trail because they know they are going to lose. I wonder wonder....
Luke Gets Mail
Luke writes: Goddess writes Luke in her typically secular nagging whining
pre-menstrual way
Dianna writes: Boy, oh boy, someone is on the rag, and it ain't the
G-babe!
Goddess writes: Coming from somebody who regularly writes stuff like "my step mommy doesn't love me," "my daddy doesn't love me" and "my hovel smells like sewer," that is one of the FUNNIEST things I have ever read!! You've truly missed your calling, Lukey baby. Skip the porn gossip, you should be a comedy writer...
Luke writes: Sheesh. Are you about to menstruate again?
Goddess replies: No, but I AM laughing...i'm serious, baby. skip the porn and work on your comedy skills. you ARE funny, you just have no clue.
Ian writes: Hi Luke, You've had some correspondence about goings-on in Brunei, with women imported for sex at $3000 a day. I remember reading about that myself quite a while ago. The Sultan of Brunei's name was bandied about, as being someone involved in importing these women. I believe, however, that it was his ne'er do well brother, for whom this was just one of his hedonistic and spendthrift pastimes. This brother eventually had his wings clipped by the Sultan, at least partly because of huge debts he was piling up over the world. The Sultan himself, I understand, is a highly respectable gentleman, and as virtuous as he could be as one of the two or three richest men in the world. To lump him in with his brother is like confusing Jimmy and Billy Carter.
Alan Miles writes: Luke: Why are you so continually off-base on your relentless rants about the adult industry? And what is your problem about deciding who or what you want to be when you grow up? Get your head out of religion and you might be capable of an original thought!
You keep harping that the adult entertainment industry is controled by organized crime. What a farce. There is nothing organized about the adult entertainment industry! Hell, if organized crime had control of the industry you would have been elimated years ago, and you know that.
Gene Ross is a flake and you know it. Extreme is a flake outfit and everyone knows it. Why do you continue to cotten up to these flakes? And your continual posts by phony names is getting really old. If people can't fess up to their own comments, why publish them in the first place? If these phony mother-f---ers had any balls they wouldn't hide behind psuedo-handles. What a waste of time they are. Alan
BrandyAlx1: Your saying you only date white Orthodox Jews, in those
words, I have a question. I have an obsessive in another newsgroup who,
while killfiled, continues to yammer at me with vulgar comments that
I see when someone responds to her. Her latest is to call me an anti-Semitic
twat and the like because I said a certain fictional name sounded like
an Arabian Jew (Veruca Feffer). What would your take be on that?
BrandyAlx1: I replied that if the name had been Moshe Patel I would
have said it sounded like a Jewish Indian. So?
Let's Bash Vivid Video
Lynne L-patin: Steve Hirsch's door was always open and he would always
take the time to investigate and try to resolve any problems
Lynne L-patin: Bulls---!
Lynne L-patin: New vendors had to go through his sister, Marci, and
were turned back before they ever got there, unless they were available
and sexually appealing to her...
Uncle Melon writes: dear luke, i run a humor website called www.UncleMelon.com we have a new feature about porn that is based almost entirely on my daily perusal of your site www.unclemelon.com/screwby.html
the premise - the scooby doo gang reunites to make a porn movie - it is full of inside stuff and prototypical porners that i learned about at l-keford.com i think you and your readers will enjoy it and its a chance for some cross-pollination
Whatever Happened To Nancy Suiter?
Renowned Screw columnist and author Josh Alan Friedman writes: Dear Luke,
You're the third fellow to email me trying to locate Nancy Suiter. What this derives from is a new biography of Terry Southern (A Grand Guy: The Art and Life of Terry Southern, by Lee Hill, Harper Collins). Around 20 years ago, Terry expressed a keen desire to locate Nancy, and since I was a Screw editor, I set out on an investigative search. She had changed her name and retired into the protective arms of some business tycoon, I was told (rancher, oilman or something), who threatened to "punch out" anyone who tried to lure her back into the life. Her agent told me the married couple had even rejected small offers for her to appear in several Hollywood A-list films. But no matter, for Terry and I came across some then-recent photos of Nancy, displaying an overworked, no-longer tight snatch, and his interest began to fizzle.
(By the way, I've edited a brand new collection of (posthumous) stories called Now Dig This: the Unspeakable Writings of Terry Southern, due out from Atlantic/Grove next month.) And that's the whole story.
Dianna writes: In 1978, I interviewed Nancy Suiter for a magazine called "Foxette" published by Parliament News. My boss at American Art Enterprises, Jerry Pecoraro, knew from the moment he saw her that she would be a major porn star. What I remember is that she was a true natural beauty, no make-up or plastic boobs needed, and that she told me she preferred men with big bellies, like stereotypical Southern sheriffs. And so sweet! We were the same age, and ran around the art department giggling and having fun as I interviewed her...
Real Mobsters Laugh At Luke
Gregory Bowman writes: Luke, Youre doing pretty good with the backround information on the mob but the real mobsters are giggling. Remember, what is published is material they want you to know, not always the good stuff. Youre gonna have to get the inside track with some of the producers to get what you want. Too bad you have pissed most of them off.
Do you remember the S & L scandal of the late 80s? Why did real estate in the San Fernando Valley jump 58% in one year? The culmination of drug money and porn money intermingling made for some great buying power in real estate. As the Government made it difficult for the mob to control the drug trade in LA, the porn industry suddenly jumped. Try and link all three with some of the players and you will find the key to your puzzles.
I'll start digging up my notes for you but only if you publish a good recipe for kugel on your website LOL.
Luke replies: NOODLE KUGEL Recipe courtesy W. H. B.
2 large onions, diced (to make 2 cups)
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 pound cream cheese
12 ounce package egg noodles
1 cup golden raisins
1 cube chicken bouillon
1 pound (pint) cottage cheese
1 pint sour cream
6 eggs Salt and pepper
1 tablespoon butter or butter substitute
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. In a pan, sauté the onions in oil until browned and caramelized. Put the cream cheese in a large bowl and pour the hot onions over to melt. In the meantime, in a large pot of boiling water, cook the noodles until done. Drain and add to the mixing bowl. Stir in the raisins, bouillon then the cottage cheese and sour cream. In a separate bowl, beat the eggs with a fork. Mix into the noodles. Season with salt and pepper. Lightly oil a casserole and add the mixture. Dot the top with the butter. Bake for 35 to 40 minutes.Yield: 6 to 8 servings Prep Time: 30 minutes Cooking Time: 40 minutes
Luke Stirs The Pot And Runs
Brandy Alexandre writes on alt.cult-movies.erotica: Perhaps you've seen Lynne L-patin attack me on Luke F-rd for having an opinion about social and financial responsibility. She saw fit to submit to him a personal attack against me alleging a personal attack against her. I didn't make a personal attack, I just said I agreed with Luke in his lack of sympathy for her circumstances, and suggested there are ways to avoid having one's car repossessed. I denoted the difference between the value of a friend who will tell you like it is, versus a friend who'll kiss your butt just to make sure you continue to share your weed. ;)
Rather than address the issue in the forum in which she started it, Lynne, who announced she was changing her name to Dianna Roth (what's up with that, posting under both names saying you're going to try to hide?), decided to make her debut in a chat I participate in by trying to attack me and disrupt it for everyone. Then she wrote to Luke and said, "...what you spew forth will eventually come back to haunt you. And you know what? You find it easy to insult others, call names and so forth, but when anyone aims at you, you run and hide like a scared pussy."
She was obviously referring to the fact that I left the chat rather lower myself to her level. I opted not to subject myself to immature and anti-social behavior perpetrated by someone who came into the chat, having never been there before, to do nothing more than harass me and disrupt it. Who's the bad guy now? On top of it all, she claimed I called her (or someone) names. I haven't called her any names, nor anyone else for a long, long time. In fact, I have pointed out how it damages the credibility of your side of the argument when you do, with Gloria Leonard providing an excellent illustration.
I sent the chat log to Luke, and provided a response rephrased a few different ways when I noticed he wasn't allowing me to defend myself against false accusations. Finally, I just sent him a note that said, "Yer being mean." His reply, "Sorry, I just want to let it die... "
If Luke wanted to let it die, he would have killed it before allowing TWO people to launch personal attacks, rather than when someone tries to defend themselves against them. This isn't the first time he's done that either. I know he usually stops these vollies with other people's comments, which allows a lot of negative and untruthful things said about me to swing free for everyone one to ponder and eventually believe, but frankly I'm a little tired of it. He says it's because he knows I can take and acknowledges that I'm more of a grown-up than most of the people he deals with through his site. Gee thanks, but that doesn't solve the proble, If he really wanted something to die he'd kill it. He'd remove the comments he already put up and refuse to add anything new.
