Tuesday, May 15th, 2001

Porn Stars Ejected By Shocked Cannes Hotel

CANNES, France, May 15 (Reuters) - A Cannes hotel threw a team of porn stars out of its premises on Tuesday, causing chaos on the resort's famous La Croisette beachfront.

The scantily-clad actresses had planned to use a reception room and terrace at the Noga Hilton to promote some of their latest productions, but hotel management said they had been kept in the dark about the true nature of the event.

"We do not want to have that sort of thing in our hotel," one Hilton official said, declining to be named.

Police were called in to restore order outside the hotel where dozens of camera crews and crowds of onlookers had gathered to watch the spectacle, before the women left and went their separate ways.

International porn stars have become a regular side-show at the Cannes film festival, staging numerous promotional events culminating in a raunchy awards ceremony which pokes fun at the official Palme D'Or competition.

Destiny Calling

Mike McCormick aka Quasarman shoots the second day of his epic "Destiny Calling" Tuesday.

On his web site QuasarmanRants.com, Mike writes: The highlights of today's shoot will include a scene in which Cuban siren Lola performs felatio on an actor portraying a police officer and a scene in which Taylor St.Claire portrays an escort who charges outrageous sums of money for time spent with her vagina (if you believe what you read on other web sites, this last scene may be a case of art imitating life).

Jenna Jameson voted #31 Sexiest Woman in the World

FMH's annual 100 Sexiest Women in the World 2001 poll votes Jenna Jameson #31 (last year 74):

"One of the few to successfully cross over to mainstream films from the adult industry, Jenna made a splash with a memorable scene in Private Parts and heated up two episodes of Nash Bridges……."

"I can't tell you how excited I am - I fell down when I found out!" said Jenna. "I was screaming '#31" outside of Barnes and Noble!"

"This helps me so much in my mainstream career," said Jameson. "I want to thank all my fans that have done this for me." Jenna is currently focusing on her signature website www.clubjenna.com and furthering her mainstream goals.

Luke Spawns Mutants

Farrell Timlake from HomegrownVideo.com writes: Breakthrough studies involving psychological research conducted on l-keford.com contributors uncovered a strange brain mutation resulting in the "lounge lizard syndrome". During routine psychological profiling of Luke's contributors by the researchers at the prestigious Homegrownvideo.com institute, doctors identified abnormalities in certain subjects. Further testing yielded revelations regarding dramatic brain mutations as a result from prolonged exposure to l-keford.com.

Dr. Timlake reports "Narcissistic personalities with a predisposition to lounging on l-keford develop a shrinkage of brain, most importantly to the cerebellum and the medulla oblongata, but which leaves the limbic intact." Because the limbic system is sometimes referred to as the "reptilian brain", researchers coined the name for the syndrome. Doctor Timlake adds, "subjects B. and A. elicited certain passive aggressive tendencies that began to manifest in more complex and detrimental behavior processes. The mutual public display of their failed attempts at meaningful human relations provoked us to look into the pathology. We needed to those determine factors suggesting schizophrenic delusions as a result of chemical imbalances. We were unprepared to find the mutation."

Fortunately, further research proves the syndrome is not contagious. Most are completely immune unless certain conditions prevail. Most importantly, delusions of grandeur are the first manifestation before pathological vindictiveness sets in and creates the perfect environment for the onslaught of the affliction. In the advanced stages, subjects were prone to snap instinctively at people.

Luke Gets Mail

NiceJewishGirl writes: Dear Luke: WEHT to Nina Hartley? A few months ago her girlfriend was keeping the site, now everything has changed and I hear that Nina is getting or has gotten a divorce. Did Nina divorce the real husband AND her lesbian lover as well? Are they asking for alimony? An aside, I always thought it was strange that Nina was paying for both of them, I mean, what for? Both were pretty scuzzy looking and suitcase pimped.....

Luke says: Nina has divorced both her spouses - Bobbi Lilli and Dave.

NJG replies: So who got the house? Doesn't she own a huge house in the Berkeley Hills or something? Did they sue her for alimony/palimony? Are her exes together as a heterosexual couple? Or are they trolling for another person? Do you know what happened, why she broke up with them? Who did the dumping? Does Nina get to keep all her money/possessions or does she have to share with no-job suitcase pimps?

Fred writes: So NJG would be so shallow as to criticize the physical appearance of Nina Hartley's ex husband and wife ("scuzzy looking"). This shallow jab at an aging couple stands in marked contrast to her attack against against the Luke F-rd advisory committee when some members of the committee made some unflattering remarks about a particular aging female. Luke, what could possibly be the cause of this amazing inconsistency? On another note, what happened in Cannes that got the hotel in a tizzy? What's the rest of the story, oh great porn journalist?

Jeremy Steele writes: Hey Luke, Since my song based on my ex, "Spastic Alien Queen (Demo)" went up on May 2nd, 2001, I've got 4 radio plays. For those curious, go to www.mp3.com/jeremysteele and then click your mouse button on the right top and scroll all the way to the bottom of the list of 60+ songs.

David writes: Do you know any thing about "Ms. Sammi Moon"? She has appeared in a few adult movies "Please 5" from EvilAngel back in '99 and with Midnight in "Fifthly Talkin' CockSuckers". Thank you for your time and good luck with the book and all you do.

An Open Letter To Alan Gelbard

Lynne L-patin writes: An Open Letter to Allen Gelbard Allen, esteemed attorney though you may be, you are not a member of "this industry" (I assume you mean the porn business, or the adult entertainment business as we prefer to call it in mixed company) any more than the guys who make the little glass jars are members of the baby food industry. Still, lawyers are important to us (as they are to any business in this age of litigation) and it's a truly wondrous event when fans of adult entertainment grow up to be lawyers. Still, unless you've participated in the production of material which can be prosecuted for obscenity, with all respect and gratitude, you provide us with support services, like the guy who sells us blank tape.

The Free Speech Legal Defense Fund arose ignobly from the ashes of the Adult Video Association, and was never intended to provide service to the adult industry. It was originally formed to perpetrate a scam on retailers and to silence some particularly vocal members of the AVA who were speaking out on behalf of the industry through the media. At the time, the industry was under close government scrutiny by the Justice Department, and the people who representing it on talk shows addressing censorship issues were not informed of the actual business practices of the manufacturers. In turn, the manufacturers did not want any more attention than they were already receiving.

The issue is not whether we Americans have the "right to sexual self expression;" it is whether we have the right to profit off sexually oriented entertainment. That's enough of an issue. Video manufacturers and other pornographers deserve their own forum, where their needs can be addressed. The AVA was a trade organization. The Free Speech Coalition was, and is, an opportunity for two or three people to invent jobs for themselves. A social club for pornographers.

There are some valid reasons why different aspects of the adult entertainment industry feel the need for separate trade organizations. I'd like to return to the food industry for an analogy. In a grilled cheese sandwich there are two elements, bread and cheese. The bakers have a trade organization; the dairy industry has a trade organization. Sometimes they have mutual interests, like FDA standards for food additives. Sometimes they have differing interests, like wheat importation tariffs or bovine hormonal treatments. Strip clubs and hard-core video producers have very different issues; video retailers have some issues in common with strip clubs, like zoning, but also other concerns which are dissimilar. Bringing all these organizations together under one anticensorship banner does on thing only: it increases the pool of funding available to the FSC. Legislators couldn't care less about "the porn lobby" as you point out, Allen.

Legislators care about being returned to office. With the possible exception of the San Fernando Valley, there are more potential voters who do not wish to be identified with sexually oriented entertainment then there are voters who will come out for it (though here in Portland, Oregon, a local ordinance on last fall's ballot asking for adult-oriented business zoning lost).

Even though we know porn is big business, it is also a very quiet business, so I understand that legislators must be approached covertly when asked to vote against pro-adult industry measures. They probably wouldn't appreciate a FSC website listing legislation affecting the adult industry noting who voted for and who against. Still, anyone who donates or who considers donating to your organization deserves specifics as to your activities and the legislation you promote. Contributors to a political organization deserve to know what positions they're perceived as taking. I would hate to see you wasting anyone's money patting yourselves on the back with 'full page adds (sic)," but I wouldn't give any money to anyone, including my late husband, unless I knew how it was being spent.

Mike South wants to know to whom you've given donations. Is this another covert activity? Are you giving money to buy votes in the legislature from government representatives who don't want anyone to know that they're aligned with the sex industry? You could easily publicize donations within the adult industry on your website or with press releases to those journalists who cover adult entertainment. But I take it we have to trust that the FSC has our best interests in mind even though they operate behind closed doors. "Plane (sic) and simple." The attorney referral list is nice, but is it posted on your website, so that its available to all when needed? Or is it a "members only" kind of thing? Do you encourage free speech among those who know you and have become members, and everyone else be damned? I agree that money for donations to others' legal defense is limited -- in fact, years ago, the idea that the Free Speech Legal Defense Fund could actually be of help in covering the costs of obscenity trials was discarded when it was realized that one defense could easily cost half a million. Porn manufacturers used to "indemnify" their product -- that is, they would step in with funds for legal defense should their product be attacked in local jurisdictions. Now, I guess, retailers buy from anyone and everyone and take their chances in the marketplace.

You mention that Robert Best from "Bon View (sic) Entertainment" received an award from the FSC. And the date of Mr. Best's award was? May I broaden the challenge and ask you to name a person who has received an award within the last five years?

This has always been the criticism of FSC and, for that matter, its predecessor, the AVA. Where does the money go other than administrative salaries? Do you release an annual financial report available to your members at the very least? Would you make those reports available to a potential large donor (someone who wasn't just paying membership dues)?

Louis Sirkin has some experience in obscenity trials. Surely he explained to Ms. Metcalf that, if she chose her inventory poorly and included items which were too strong for her location, she's in trouble. But unless she sells tapes in another community, she cannot be prosecuted for the same videos (your example). She cannot be prosecuted first by the city, then by the county and then the state for the same crime -- selling the same tape from the same store, nor can she be prosecuted twice for selling the same video again in the same jurisdiction should she be found "not guilty" during the first trial. That's double (or triple) jeopardy. Someone else in another community can be prosecuted for selling that same tape -- communities differ in their values. Videos found obscene in one jurisdiction may be placed under intense scrutiny in others. However, law enforcement tends to be far more conservative than the community-at-large, and I hope that Ms. Metcalf's jury reflects that, but unfortunately getting busted for obscenity remains an occupational hazard of the porn business. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen and eat elsewhere.

I am appalled to hear that you personally or FSC as a group would consider lobbying for the overturning of the Miller Test. Miller has worked well for years. I cannot imagine what grounds could possibly put forth to discard it. I hope we can have this debate for another time. That in itself would encourage me to speak out vociferously AGAINST the Not-So-Free Speech Coalition.

If there is some question that mainstream films and television which portray sexual activity among underage characters portrayed by actors who are of age might be prosecutable, why aren't major filmmakers funding the challenge to 18 U.S.C. § 2256? For that matter, why isn't Blockbuster Video involved? Because the intent of the law is not to prosecute those movies; it is to make possible the prosecution of simulated "kiddie porn."

Is "teen porn" the same as "kiddie porn?" Is the portrayal of a seventeen-year-old having sex the same as portraying a thirteen-year-old having sex when the actress involved is herself over eighteen? On one hand, it's an age-of-consent issue; if the age of consent in the jurisdiction in question is sixteen, then it is legal for a sixteen-year-old girl to have sex with anyone aged sixteen or above. When the age of consent is eighteen, as it is in most, if not all, states in this country (though not in all countries), it is illegal to have sex with people under eighteen. If, under Miller, one is appealing to the prurient interest by encouraging fantasies of having sex with girls and boys under legal age, the product is potentially obscene. When the average age of losing one's virginity is 16, "Cherry Poppers" becomes culturally questionable, though in itself the title makes no reference to age. "Buttf---ing 18 Year Old Sluts" is legal; "Buttf---ing 16 Year Old Sluts" appeals to prurient, illegal interests. "Young Buttf---ers" is ambiguous, makes no reference to illegal activities (i.e., underage girls engaged in sexual activity) and the porn consumer understands the euphemism. A law enforcement agency that persuaded their district attorney to prosecute an adult video title as "child pornography" without first checking with the manufacturer for copies of the performers' identification would be fiscally irresponsible at every level.

Mike South was, apparently, one of your "shareholders." He did not feel that you were responsible to him, in disclosing to him what you did with his membership dues. I have no idea whether your employees, Mr. Lyon and Ms. Sunlove (her original name?), are worth the money they're paid. The only Mr. Lyon I've known in the adult industry was a distributor who once had a few stores in the Midwest and who was always a notoriously slow pay, so I hope you've found a different one. Ms. Sunroof I have had the displeasure of meeting just once. My impression of her was that her personal ax had been ground to a fine edge, and that she received great pleasure from its use.

I started working in the adult industry many years ago, with a group of old hippies who ran a political cum sex paper called the "L.A.Star." They taught me a lot about the politics of commercial sexuality, and had a true commitment to the concept of freedom of speech -- sexual, political and just plain stupid. The "Free Speech" Coalition has never allowed "free speech" under its auspices, nor has any other adult industry media venue since the days of the "L.A.Star" with just one exception: l-keford.com. Mr. Ford will print anything, regardless of the race, gender or creed of its author, and without payment from his contributors. Whether he is committed, or should BE committed, I firmly believe that Luke F-rd is the best thing that ever happened to porn: when he's stupid, he's very, very bad, but when he's smart, he illuminates the sex industry with the light of truth (which is why those with something to hide hate him so much).

Former Free Speech Coalition president Gloria Leonard, who's had a long history representing and fighting for the porn industry, writes from Hawaii:

Lynne, Lynne, Lynne - how quickly we forget. You and I were on the Board of the Adult Video Association at the same time of a particular moment in history and I am truly appalled at your perspective on what the AVA and subsequently, the Free Speech Coalition, set out to accomplish. Right off the bat, I recall that you were f---ing one of the captains of the adult industry at that time and if you were so unhappy with what YOU and the rest of us were doing, I never once heard you utter a single grunt of discontent. Your slap at Alan Gelbard is totally misinformed and mean spirited (from communicating too frequently with Luke F-rd, no doubt). Alan himself was a pornographer and decided that a career change was in order for him. Have you any idea how difficult it is to put yourself through law school and have the dedication to see it through so that you can be a well-versed asset to this f---ed up industry. Shame on you, you never-was wannabee.

Furthermore, the switch from the AVA to the then Free Speech Legal Defense Fund was precisely to round up much needed funds for a variety of First Amendment issues, many of which you have no inkling of, principally because you weren't particularly well-liked by most Board members and tended to be a big ole' yenta! Although I am no longer associated with the FSC, having taken early retirement in Paradise, I assure you that at the time I was being paid as the AVA Administrator, my grandiose salary was somewhere in the neighborhood less than $24K per annum. As for now, you are correct, Bill Lyon has no past history in our industry, however, as one of four committee members chosen to advertise, interview and ultimately hire the best qualified candidate (out of about sixty-four responses), trust me, his resume is most impressive, having been affiliated with a variety of other causes over his career. I have, more than once, offered to show Mike South our books as they are available to EVERY FSC member for scrutiny, but he always manages to turn on his twisted paranoia, adament in his macho posturing that WE are f---ing up. Well, f--- you and him - he claims to be Big Man on Carnal Campus, but all I see is a dickwad dummy and you know the old adage, if you ain't part of the solution, then you're part of the problem. Waah, waah, waah! Bite me.

Mike South writes: Gee Glorioski, Don't you ever get tired of cramming your high heel down your throat? Why is it that when you can't argue from a position of fact you always resort to the fifth grade tactic of name calling? The fact is that what Lynne wrote is pretty well documented as true.

As for FSCs offer to open the books...ya they have offered but when I tried to make arrangements to do so I couldn't get a response from anyone. So here is my challenge to the FSC Put Your audited Financial statements on your website. Put Kat Sunloves expense reports from the Sacramento Trip on Your website. Prove me wrong.

Lynne L-patin replies: Lynne writes: Gloria Leonard doesn't realize that I am used to being insulted on l-keford.com. I decided that the best way to handle her tirade was to edit out all the irrelevant personal insults and see if she'd actually brought up any real issues I could address:

Gloria: "You and I were on the Board of the Adult Video Association at the same time of a particular moment in history and I am truly appalled at your perspective on what the AVA and subsequently, the Free Speech Coalition, set out to accomplish. (I)f you were so unhappy with what YOU and the rest of us were doing, I never once heard you utter a single (word) of discontent."

Lynne: I was always very happy with the Adult Video Association. I never had any complaints about them, other than that when David Kastins ran meetings, they often became Bill Margold vs. Jim South rants and not much got accomplished. Other than that, I said everything I needed to say during meetings. I was as unhappy with the dissolution of the AVA as I was about the FSC from inception. I fought against the former as long as possible; rather than complain about the latter, I chose not to get involved.

Gloria: "Your (criticism of) Alan Gelbard is totally misinformed and mean spirited... Alan himself was a pornographer and decided that a career change was in order for him."

Lynne: I know nothing about Alan or Allen Gelbard other than that Luke said he was an attorney. If he had a background as a pornographer, the first paragraph in my essay is invalid, and I would be happy to hear more from Allen about his history in the business. Throughout the rest of my post, no mention is made of Allen, his personal opinions or his participation in any aspect of the Free Speech Coalition. If I use the word "you," it refers to FSC, not Mr. Gelbard personally.

Gloria: "Furthermore, the switch from the AVA to the then Free Speech Legal Defense Fund was precisely to round up much needed funds for a variety of First Amendment issues, many of which you have no inkling of... Although I am no longer associated with the FSC, having taken early retirement in Paradise, I assure you that at the time I was being paid as the AVA Administrator, my grandiose salary was somewhere in the neighborhood less than $24K per annum."

Lynne: At the time of the merger, the manufacturers complained that they could not afford to support two organizations. As Secretary of the AVA, I kept minutes of all the meetings. Obviously, personal discussions among board members for either organization were beyond my ken. The Adult Video Association had, at the time, a challenge to RICO confiscation floating about the Ninth Federal Circuit; I have no idea whatever happened to that. I know that the AVA was frequently criticized as existing only to fund lawyers. The majority of its funding at the time of my participation went into paying lawyers for that challenge. Gloria is correct about her salary, something of which I was well aware, as the AVA was given a financial report at the beginning of each meeting, which I transcribed into my minutes. When the organizations merged, another woman was hired as Administrator of the then-Free Speech Legal Defense Fund. Gloria was "fired." One of the manufacturers offered to keep up her salary until she could find something else, but she felt offended by that offer and chose not to accept it. As I earned the same amount of money working for Parliament News and then CPLC at the time, my personal opinion was that BOTH Gloria and I deserved bigger paychecks, but what this has to do with criticism of the FSC I've no idea...

Luke asks: Who did Lynne sleep with?

Gloria Leonard responds: I don't f--- and tell and frankly, would prefer not to embarrass Ms. Low Pattin' any more than she has already done on her own.

Brandy Alexandre writes: I just saw how Ms. Leonard used her predictable modus operandi with Lynne as she did with me in a disagreement. (For me, I was referred to as "everyone's favorite victim" and told to "get a life" when I pointed out FSC's failings.) Where Lynne wrote a clear, concise, literate, and well-studied rebuttal to Alan Gelbard, Ms. Leonard could only manage personal attacks effectively doing more to discredit herself and the FSC than Lynne. I am a strong critic of Lynne on a personal level, and sometimes can be mean-spirited in discussing her with others, but even I can recognize a desperate lashing-out when I see one. I mean, what does "Shame on you, you never-was wannabee [sic]" do to address the issue of a complete lack of financial disclosure to members and contributors? How does "I recall that you were f---ing one of the captains of the adult industry at that time" quell the concern about a perceived poor choices for an executive director? I don't see, "principally because you weren't particularly well-liked" as a reasonable excuse for keep well-intentioned dues-paying members in dark as to the "much needed" nature of the "variety" of First Amendment issues for which funds were earmarked.

And for another articulate critic of the FSC (and he knows how it pains me to say that), Ms. Leonard's best retorts were, "but he always manages to turn on his twisted paranoia, adament [sic] in his macho posturing," "dickwad dummy," and "Waah, waah, waah! Bite me." Simply saying "you're wrong" is not enough to persuade anyone to continue to support the FSC. Saying you're wrong followed by completely unprovoked personal attacks IS enough to persuade everyone to stop supporting right here, right now, until the mission and spending habits of the FSC are fully disclosed.

While Ms. Leonard is welcome to retort that she has a right to speak freely, and certainly she does, with free speech comes responsibility. This attitude is not responsible, nor mature, nor professional behavior in light of all the good she claims she seeks to do. I have half a mind to print and forward Ms. Leonard's dismissive missives to the various legislators the FSC lobbies. I think they need to know what kind of organization they are dealing with, evidenced by the kind of leader it has. But then I'm sure Ms Leonard will just stamp her feet and respond with "you do only have half a mind, so no one will take you seriously." (Actually she might come up with something more biting and clever. She's much more experienced at it than I.) Who wants to hold the bets?

MikeSouth.com writes: Well Allen, It appears the FSC paid you by the word to write that response, something none of them have been able to accomplish even after having tried. I am impressed that they deemed me important enough to pull out a "big gun" to respond, so hell bro, lets sling some lead...You ready?

I have done my homework Mr. Gelbard, it was Mike Ross who proposed the alliance with strip clubs and he was summarily voted down by the FSC. He then went on to help found the Association of Club Executives that you mention. But You know the truth as well as I do, the FSC wants the strip clubs so that you may inflate the numbers plain and simple. Name one time the FSC has helped a strip club.

As I have said all along you believe your intentions are good so I should join. With all due respect...Bulls---... How could a political official vote against something sponsored by an organization with a name as noble as the free speech coalition? That's like voting against a child pornography bill...everyone is for free speech, even IF it doesn't have much to do with free speech in the literal sense.

Yes it's easy for you to sit back and judge my intentions because you and the Free Screech Cabal damn sure weren't doing anything. Now as for doing more harm than good. You are under the assumption that the good people of Cincinnati are just as moronic as those in City hall. My take is that I probably reached more than one of the jurors. My message on the most popular radio show in Cincinnati was simple and very much in line with the social demographics of Hamilton County. Ask Jennifer from Mr. Sirkin's office, I consulted with her before saying a word or doing anything. What was my message? Plain and simple you do not need government to tell you what is right for you. The host, Bill Cunningham agreed as did 80% of the callers and he is a conservative. If it sounds like I am admonishing you here counselor it is because I AM. Respectfully if you can't help, then shut the f--- up when I am trying to.

So why is it the FSC is happy to take these poor defendants money but worthless when it comes to meaningful help? What good is a referral network of lawyers that the average mom and pop store owner can't afford? You should be funding the battles that you can win, battles like Elyse's. You can't win the war if you won't fight the battles.

South1226: Luke you f---ing hacked my response to gelbard to the point that I sound dumber than glorioski
Luzdedos1: your response was hiccupy and too long and boring
South1226: and his wasnt
South1226: geez ...you even took out my best line
South1226: about him being paid by the word
South1226: why does he get all the paper and I get a chopped up response
South1226: how many times has HE supported you
South1226: or is this a fear thing
Luzdedos1: ok, i added your first line
South1226: you havent been writing about ms xxxx have you
South1226: gee thanks lukey....
Luzdedos1: You got a chopped up response because your essay was more choppy
South1226: I directly addressed each of his "points"
South1226: and I did so clearly and concisely
Luzdedos1: Look, you're already published on this on rame and other places...
South1226: ya but yer the king
Luzdedos1: :) you're sweet
South1226: and you didnt edit allan and he published everywhere I did
Luzdedos1: Allen wrote a better essay, hate to say it buddy
South1226: yer just scared of allan lukey...admit it
Luzdedos1: His was correctly spelled and punctuated and read like a proper essay. And no, I am not afraid of Gelbard.
m not afraid of Gelbard.
South1226: no it weas not since when is Plane and simple correctly spelled
South1226: and Bon View...hell you spell better than he does
South1226: maybe my response was above your ken
Luzdedos1: that must be it! South1226: hehehe, schmuck
Luzdedos1: I edited you just to piss you off and generate more copy and controversy for my site

Lynne writes: I don't see, "principally because you weren't particularly well-liked" as a reasonable excuse for keep well-intentioned dues-paying members in dark as to the "much needed" nature of the "variety" of First Amendment issues for which funds were earmarked. (Lynne notes: "Not to mention keeping in the dark officers on the board of directors, which is what I was at the time...")

Brandy Alexandre writes: I just now noticed you introduced Gloria Leonard as "former" FSC president. I went to the FSC web site to double-check that she was president, and it indicated she was, and when I used your handy search engine to look up exactly what pejoratives she used for me, she attacked you for calling her the "outgoing" president and claimed to have over a year and a half left on her term. That message was on your article dated May, 5, 2000. So is she, or is she not, the president of the FSC? If not, why was she sent packing before her term was up (as if I didn't know)?

Porno Conversation

Luke: "Hello."

Porner: "Well, you don't sound like you have any Chronic Fatigue Syndrome."

Luke: "Nope. I'm feeling great."

Porner: "You're in love, aren't you?"

Luke: "I am."

Porner: "I could tell. You've got a little spring in your step."

Luke: "Oh, that's funny that you could tell."

Porner: "It's so sad that Nikki Charm is working as a hooker. She does not look like the Nikki Charm that you remember. She's aged. She's pushing 40. It's sad. Because she was trying to straighten out her life and now she's back in it."

Porn star Ruby writes: Luke, Tell Mr. Stupid Porner that it's not a shame that Nikki Charm is working with me at the ranch!! She looks f---ing phenomenal, she was pissed that she got a warped image of this place from certain people who don't know what the f--- they're talking about!! Like Mister" I'm a whore and don't know it." He or She doesn't even have the NUTS to let you use their name, what a pussy!

Luke says: I gave interviews today to two separate female french journalists...Emmanuelle Richard, who wrote the first profile of me for OJR.org in June 1998 and Solveig Godeluck (Godeluck.com) from a French techonology mag... Both are young and gorgeous. Emmanuelle is married, Solveig has a boyfriend.

Solveig arrives an hour late in a taxi and all the kids from the main house surround it and stare at her. I bring her inside and we end up talking for three hours.

I offered her a bottled water. She asked for a glass. I said all the cups I have (two) are too dirty and she'd be better off drinking out of the bottle.

She needed a hotel for the night. I generously offered her a place on my floor for the night but she declined. Gorgeous smart chick but she has a boyfriend and I have the Torah... So I found her a hotel and said goodbye, but she took so much of my time that I missed my prized Rabbi David Wolpe lecture on the historicity of the Exodus...

XXX said she wanted to go to dinner with me to figure out if I was strange - bad or strange - good...

Rumdar writes: I believe more details are needed. For instance...how did she look? What did she wear? Anything even slightly suggestive? AND Did you show up in your white socks and Klondike Klodhoppers? Where did you go? Who picked up the tab? And most important, why didn't you boink her?

Luke replies: I wore my white socks and Klondike Klodhoppers and blue jeans and two sweaters and we went to an Italian joint on the Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica and we ate cheese pizza. And I picked up the $32:90 tab. I didn't boink because I have too much respect for her, for me and for the Torah.

Curious writes: Did she flinch when you whipped out you 2 for 1 coupons at the salad bar?

Rumdar writes: Perhaps she offered to pay half on the "two for one". That would make Levi's share a quarter. Not bad. Rather affordable. Did Levi ask for gas money? Tip? Threw a fiver down on the table and palmed it back into his pocket when she wasn't looking? Inquiring minds need to know. The biggest stingoid I ever met was my buddy Rex (Lance Hitler). He would try and boink em' after a date at Starbucks for latte. It pissed him off that he wasn't very successful. Then he discovered if he arrived 10 minutes late nine times out of ten they would already have ordered and paid for their own Java. Of course he didn't get any sex out of it but he had peace of mind that he wasn't being drilled for a three dollar cup of Joe.

Chaim Amalek writes: When you start having sex with her, will you wear a condom if she does not ask you to? How do you handle this sort of thing when dealing with a jewess whom you want to be the mother of your children?

Lynne writes: I realize I have no sense of humor, Lukey, but why does Chaim always write about you impregnating women without benefit of marriage? If Torah forbids premarital sex, doesn't it disapprove of illegitimate children as well? And you will live in a hovel and drive that disreputable van and wear those tattered clothes forever should you find yourself paying child support for those kids, who will most certainly NOT be brought up as Orthodox Jews....

Chaim writes: In New York, a "date" - by which I mean cabs, dinner, drinks, maybe a movie, with no promise of anything more, and when done for the purpose of impressing a woman - usually runs at least $140. Toss in tickets to see a broadway show, and you are looking at a tab of about $300 - $340. What will that sum of money buy at Miss Ruby's Ranch?

And what will it buy in: LA T-town (south of the border)
Houston
Toronto
hillbilly towns like Atlanta?
(I was going to put a Silicon Valley town like Los Gatos on this list, but given the severe gender imballance, I thought that there was no point in raising so sore an issue with Mr. Nek.)

Lynne writes: Lynne really wants to know: So, if we skip the "date" and I just blow you, will you give me the $300 instead? And if you have anything impressive, I'll tell you!

Fred Nek replies: There is, in fact, a gender imbalance, but it has been improving with time. I don't know whether I ever mentioned this, but my ex-girlfriend claimed that there was a proverb among Silicon Valley Women: "There's 5 men for every woman here, but the problem is, I don't like my 5." (A jab at the nerd-like male population.)

There is a similar proverb among women in Alaska, I'm told: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

Chaim Amalek writes: Getting better? Well, don't let the new liberal rules on insurance coverage for gender reassignment surgery fool you, Fred. Given that India and China are slaughtering millions of girl babies (born and unborn) each year in preference to boys, and given that many of these boys grow up to become engineers and move to Silicon Valley in search of money and women (why oh why don't we have the guts to close our borders?), seems that things are going to get worse. Much, much worse.

Rumdar writes: If I recall Mr. Frednek was on a 25K a year budget. And, he indicated he is somewhat frugal. I don't believe there are too many $200-$300 evenings out on his credit card. As a matter of fact I wouldn't be surprised if our dear friend was using some of Luke's extra coupons.

Given that India and China are slaughtering millions of girl babies . None of these females will grow to semi adulthood and be given the opportunity to give body massages, blowjobs, handjobs, or stuff Ping-Pong balls, bananas and Coke bottles up their pussy's. Life is not the least bit easy over there I tell ya.

Raylene Interview

I talked to Vivid girl Raylene Friday morning.

Luke: "So you're recording something?"

Raylene: "Yeah, I'm working with a few really big people. I probably shouldn't mention their names. I just went on vacation for five days with a huge player in the [music] industry. I got together with Daisy Chain. She's the girlfriend of Lynn, from the band Snot, who died. I was afraid because I knew I could sing, but I've never played or sung in front of anybody.

"So her and I got together. And I had never written other than writing poems and stuff. And within three hours, we finished our first song and it was amazing. So we're just concentrating on positive things and on each other. I'm hanging out at my pool. I bought my first house.

"I quit drinking. I've been sober three weeks. I still smoke my weed but that's all I do.

"I haven't read what she [Devon] wrote. But who cares dude? I haven't thought about her or discussed her."

Luke: "Here's what she writes..."

Raylene: "I don't even want to hear it, dude. I don't have anything bad to say about her.

"I've re-signed [with Vivid] for another year. Depending on how my music goes, I'm trying to make this my last year in the [porn] industry. But I love my company and I am glad that I am with them for another year.

"Oooh, gross. The gardeners are staring at me. I'm naked in my back yard. I'm sunbathing. And they've come by to clean the rubbish away."

Smitty writes: Hi Luke, It's Smitty. I just had a question about what kind of music Raylene is writing. My friends have a cool punk and indie music video site at http://www.BlankTV.com and I thought they might want to know about it.

Nikki Charm Starts At The Bunny Ranch

Dopey writes on NVBrothels.com: Last night in the Moonlite's parlour, I met 4'11" tall, petite porn starlet, Nikki Charm. She told me it was her first day as a LPIN. I asked if she was still a virgin, she laughed and replied no, she'd already had a couple of dates. Since I saw no publicity in the parlour or advertising that she'd be there, I asked her if it was a secret. She said no, I could post it on the internet that she was there, ready, willing and available. She originally wanted to be low key about her visit until she had an opportunity to 'check' things out. She said the staff and girls were very nice and after getting oriented, she felt comfortable and would stay. Nikki, like many of the porn stars I've met, is an extremely nice person. She's very friendly, approachable and easy to talk to and cute as a button. So for you Nikki Charm fans, now's your chance to meet her and book a date with her. Give the Moonlite Bunny Ranch a call for her schedule 1-888-BUNNYRANCH

Nikki told me that she's tentativly planning on returning to the Moonlite in June for a week, probably around June 15th, the following weekend she's going to be in Las Vegas for some electronics show/convention. She said, she'll be sure this time to publicize her schedule. btw- All this was tentative, as she wants to see how it goes and if it's worth her time. Even without any publicity, and guys didn't know who she was, they were still asking her for tours...she's a cutie with personality. When I talked with her on Saturday, she was very upbeat and seemed to be enjoying herself with her new 'sisters'. I can't say enough about her sweetness and being easy to talk to.

Ian writes: Hey Luke, I was wondering if you could give me some information. I have been a big fan of Nikki Charm for quite a while. What is she up to these days? Is she ever planning a return to the adult industry? How is her hot little bod holding up?

Also I was wondering about the movie she did a while back called Young And Naughty. I heard a rumour that the video was banned in Canada because of its depiction of incest. Is this true? I would dearly love to get my hands on a copy of that. It brings back memories for me. It is one of the first adult videos I ever saw.