Sunday, December 24th, 2000

Kendra Jade Helps A Friend In Need

The Ayatollah of Rock n'Roller writes: IT SEEMS THAT KENDRA JADE IS DATING, OOPS I MEAN f---ING SOMEONE NEW. MOJO, THE EX-FIANCE OF THAT HILLBILLY GAUGE, IS NOW LIVING WITH HER AND PEOPLE ARE SAYING THAT THEY WILL ONLY WORK TOGETHER, BOTH ON AND OFF THE CAMERA.WHAT AN UPGRADE FROM GAUGE. HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GUY THIS HAS TO BE THE LOWEST MISS JADE HAS EVER GONE, NEXT TO f---ING THAT OLD FART ON HOWARD STERN, I THOUGHT YOU AND KENDRA WERE CLOSE. I GUESS SHE HAS A NEW SUITCASE PIMP, MAYBE WE CAN SEE HER AT THAT CHICKEN RANCH IN NEVADA SOON . MR AND MISS WHITE TRASH. THE PERFECT COUPLE, I WISH THEM THE BEST OF LUCK

Kendra Jade replies: first of all, it is nobodys buisness who my boyfriend is, but i can guarantee that it is not mojo.the reality is that i am a nice person and when gauge left mojo with nothing i agreed to let him stay for a few days til he could get on his feet.i dont need nor will i ever have a suitcase pimp!!!! i dont work exclusively with anybody.whoever sent you this letter is sadly misinformed. the bottom line is that i am just someone helping a friend in need. goodbye

A Holiday Wish From l-keford.com

Helpful writes: Christians, Moslems, New Age Practioners, Torah Jews, secular Jews and porners of all faiths I urge you to take this crass commmercialized Christian holiday as a time of reconciliation and forgiveness in anticpation of the New Year. Let the healing begin here on www.l-keford.com:

Lynne "Older and Anal: Vol. 6" L-patin and Kendra "Ass Clown" Jade - Ladies you have so much in common it troubles all of LF.com to see the two most important porners in Luke's life argue. Won't you lay down your arms and lift up your legs for Luke?

Gene Ross and Paul Fishbein - Once you were XXX's unstoppable team and now you are mortal enemies. Gene, won't you forgive Paul's years of broken promises? Paul, won't you call off your batallions of lawyer? Refocus your critical eyes on your one true enemy ... Luke F-rd.

Brandy Alexander and Bianca Trump - Dear ladies embrace the spirit of the holiday season and extend the olive branch of peace. Bianca, won't you surrender the domain name brandyalexandre.com? Brandy, won't you cease calling Bianca, "Bianca Plump"?

John T. Bone and Michael Raven - Gentlemen, please. Your mutual animosity is self defeating and poisons us all. I suggest a joint project to restore your faith in each other, perhaps, John could produce Michael's next film starring Michael's wife Sydnee Steele? Let her video taped debasement be the begining of the rebirth of your friendship.

Jenna Jameson and Wicked President, Steve Orenstein - Mr. Orenstein won't you give Ms. Jameson the rights to her Wicked content? Jenna won't you show there are no hard feelings by giving Luke F-rd fellatio? (I thought I'd try to sneak that one in.)

Porners, your petty fueds are childish and siphon off valuable energy that would no doubt be better used against the Bush administration that will no doubt battle you for the next four years.

Forgive and forget, Porners. Forgive and forget. Happy holidays to all.

Zoe Hoax

Little Birdie writes: Don't believe that b.s. about Zoe being locked up in a Mexican prison this week. My New York sources tell that me she was seen ice skating arm in arm in New York's Central Park with Manhattan's own Chaim Amalek.

Brandy writes: Zoe provides a shining example of why one should tuck the number to the American consulate in their bra.

Weirdest Porn Stories 2000

What were the weirdest porn stories this past year? I'm compiling a list. Email Luke

Rumdar writes: "Also a trends list would be great. Of course that means you are going to have to do some thinking. Are you up for the task? I am suggesting a list of the best and worst of Luke 2000. I am mentally working on it now. I hope all members of the "the advisory committee" will join in on this one."

Top News Of The Year Came From Here!

Berlin: Hi Luke, it's me, Cindy Plenum! I have been thinking about your web site lately and looking it over again. So you want to know what the big story of the year was? Well, I cannot say what it was in Los Angles, but here in Berlin's Bohemian Mitte District, nine out of ten people agree that it was the death of Tibor in the Hamburg zoo. You should tell that nice journalist friend of yours all about it so that it makes the list. And I culd use some publicity concerning me, Cindy Plenum, as well. Noone is more interesting than me!

Renee writes: Merry Christmas Luke! I read about Cindy Plenum on your website. She sounds extremely *interesting*. I have found very little about her on the internet. Blood/mosquito stories, snake swallowing a human being, breast implants on her back....unbelievable stuff! Do you have an email address for her or a location where I can find information in English about Cindy? Also, she was supposed to have a website up by now. Do you have a URL for her? And finally, I am reading about her in your archives, but the pictures are no longer available. How do I find the pictures that you posted on your website when you ran the stories through this year? Especially the ones with the snake and Cindy's friend, Tibor.

Lola Gunn

Brian writes: Luke: What do you know about her??? I'm in Love, just discovered her...Be willing to pay you $100 if you can come up with a REAL WORKING EMAIL address.

Holiday Blues

I've heard from people with the holiday blues. And it reminds me of a profound insight I heard from Dennis Prager. Holiday blues are signals that something is missing/wrong in your life...holidays just reinforce and dramatize that hole. So, single people who feel particularly unhappy during holidays, are probably feeling more keenly their lack of family.

Brandy Alexandre writes: I don't lack family. In fact, I'm beyond welcome with family. For me, it's a matter of spending time with people I want to spend time with. In this regard, I prefer spending my holidays alone rather than with my family and I rather enjoy myself. I guess it depends more of dynamics than the mere existence of family and one's tolerance of oneself's (?) company. I'm finding this year slightly more difficult than prior years because there is someone I *would like* to be able to spend the holidays with, but can't. Now that sucks. As an alternative there was my Christmas tradition of spending the whole day in movie theaters, but since I ran out of the free movie tickets I had grown accustomed to, the shine is off that idea. $8.50 per movie PLUS $5.75 for a Diet Pepsi and a pretzel is too rich for me. So this year may well be a bummer. A few terrific fans have sent me videos from my Amazon.com wish list, so provided I don't OD on popcorn I can probably pull Christmas out of the fire and back into the frying pan.

Luke Gets Mail

Derek Corker writes: I was just out in Newport Beach shooting some on location work now I am back in the windy city and it is cold and windy. Anyway, why is everybody in the business (except me) all over Bush??? You should be happy Gore lost. He was the one that was big on censorship and all. Give Bush a chance, he hasn't even been sworn in yet. He is going to do some good things while in office and your much better off having him than the latter. I honestly think if Nina ran for office she could make some noise. She would be great and she is very smart and professional!!!!! Very well spoken too!!!!! Merry Christmas to all!!!!!!

Arb writes: Have you sampled some of your female interview subjects? I'm weak to ask, but curiosity is a powerful thing.

Luke: At times.

James DiGiorgio writes: lukey, just read your site. what the f---'s with this lynn chic? she came on the show a couple of weeks ago sounding like a poster girl for qualudes. afterwards, you told me she was quite upset by things i said to her. i'm not really sure what i said that so upset her, and i really dont care, but now she drags me into this whole thing where she and some chat room buddy of her's dissed KJ. now since i know ms. jade a tad better than most in this biz, i can categorically advise one and all that kendra jade is anything but stupid.

example: she had the good sense NOT to promote zupko's piece of s---/shock trash, "ass clowns," and rather, to promote a decent piece of smut, VCA's "The Sopornos." that lynn thing also claims that *I* made KJ sound like trailer park trash. i'm not really sure how i did that. i do remember part of the convo with her where kendra exclaimed that she and i are the kind of people who put the FUN in dysFUNctional ( a word most trailer park whores would be unacquainted with), and i do remember her and i reminiscing about the time she tried to kill me, and talking about her temper, and ime stating (quite a number of times) how tight she looks, along with mentioning how tight her pussy is, but at no time did i ever make her sound stupid, or make her out to be some trailer park bimbo. dragging my name into this whole thing smacks of trying to lay the blame elsewhere for lynn and curious talking smack about kendra. so where's my apology, lynn????

Lynne replies to James DiGiorgio: Being that you are vulgar and crude and that you, yourself, sound stupid, you make anyone you speak with sound stupid. You make Luke sound stupid, you made Kendra sound stupid, and of course what really pissed me off was that you made ME sound stupid.

For example, calling me a "lynn chic" and a "lynn thing" is hardly necessary, given that I've got genuine porn credentials going a lot further back than "The Sopornos." If you don't know who I am, you haven't done your homework.

I listened to the beginning of your radio conversation with Kendra, and was bored by your failure to elicit any reaction from her beyond single giggled syllables, so never got to your subsequent discussion regarding her sophisticated propensity for violence or her physical appearance. In these days, every child knows the word "dysfunctional;" most families are.

With all this testimony as to Kendra's competency, the impression I formed of her after listening to your interview of her is obviously false, therefore, it must have been your interview which led me to categorize Kendra as I did.

Now, as to Curious: Curious is a heterosexual male, in principle, at least, and occasionally I ask him for his masculine perspective. Being that his sex life is entirely vicarious and revolves around l-keford.com and internet porn, we frequently find ourselves discussing the sexual appeal of various men and women in the porn business.

Assuming Kendra Jade is appealing, I asked, what is her appeal? There is absolutely no question that she is sexually quite appealing, but many women are desirable. What is Kendra's specific appeal? Why, out of hundreds of porn women, has Howard Stern chosen Kendra to be the butt of HIS on-air jokes?

Curious could have said me that Kendra really is a delightfully warm and intelligent woman, and that James DiGiorgio's interview did not portray her in the best light, but he did not. He encouraged me to believe that Kendra Jade's popularity is due to her occupying to perfection the image of "TT." When I encouraged him to consider having sex with Kendra, he said it sounded "gross" on account of her tattoos. How could anyone find the idea of having sex with Kendra Jade "gross?" I think Curious encouraged me to have a bad opinion of Kendra because he has his own unresolved issues.

Speaking of unresolved issues, are "stupid" and "trailer trash" synonymous? (Jimmy, that means, "Do they mean the same thing?") If someone is smart, would they not recognize that being perceived as 'trailer trash" hampers their ability to make it in the world at large, and change their image?

On the other hand, porn is not the world at large and, despite Curious' personal opinion, other men might find the image of "trailer trash whore" a real dick stiffener, in which case, suitable for exploitation. Since plenty of Golden Oldie porn features "hillbilly daughters," that "TT" image may in fact be a sexual archetype and hence marketable.

Bruce always referred to himself as a hillbilly; his parents were from rural Illinois. He opened up new vistas of culture through reading and education, and for testing out as the smartest kid in the state of Michigan when he entered high school. He found my upper middle class Jewish background pretentious. He did, however, have a big vocabulary.

Brandy writes: I don't think Kendra is stupid. Not at all. Her vocabulary could use a little work. ;) Surely there are more descriptive terms for Lynne and your feelings. Let's sit down and make a list together someday! :)

Tony writes: Lynne Lopatain, is that how its spelled? Anna Nicole Smith is one of those truly strange American creations. She's a celebrity for being a celebrity. Oh, o.k. she married super-rich and she was in one half-way decent movie(HUDSUCKER PROXY)but essentially she's in that Carmen Electra, Jenny MacArthur, Pamela Anderson league. Anyways, what I'm getting at here is that the above mentioned starlets are all future or potential trophy wives. Anna's already done her time and can now build her own production company, if she wants. Having sex on camera with the likes of Tony Eveready, Dave Hardman and Rod Fontana does not bode well for a woman's future. IMHO.

Lynne writes: Dear Tony: Actually, having sex OFF-camera with Dave Hardman was my big mistake. Tony Eveready was my friend, and had always wanted to have sex with me. He was the only person to offer me a way to make money the week after I lost my job, and he had the potential to do a few scenes, so we got together. Rod Fontana was just a scene, but my husband got to watch and had a wonderful time (impotence from terminal cancer makes one adjust one's sex life a bit). One of the few people I respect in the porn business, Russ Hampshire, always told me never to ask an employee to do something I wouldn't do myself, so I figured that, if I wanted to be a porn producer, it wouldn't be such a bad idea to do scenes myself anyway.

Ultimately, there's two kinds of people working in porn, performers and wankers, and the former don't have any more respect for the latter than the other way around. Going back to the last century, showmen like P.T. Barnum made celebrities out of people like Anna Nicole, Lily Langtry, Evelyn Nesbitt...beautiful women who were famous for their liasions. The courtesans of the French court were rewarded well by their consorts until the French Revolution put a sudden end to such things. Some few women of great beauty are chosen to represent their sisters in this way, and I can't help but envy them a little, but growing up means accepting one's prospects in a realistic fashion, and Christy Brinkley or Anna Nicole I'm not.

Rumdar writes: Luke.. Just when I complain the column is becoming boring it makes a huge comeback. Nothing like a good old cat fight to liven things up. Even before breakfast we are treated to several new uses for the rectum other than the obvious. Skeeter K uses his wife's butthole for a cranberry juice and poo poo cocktail. How many guys are gonna want to take Skeeter up on his next offer of "Hey, Let me buy you a drink".

Then we have Kendra who shoves pages of the bible up her ass for profit (and knowledge)? being dissed by Lynn L. It sure seems to me that Lynn has become the Mother Theresa of retired porn since taking that community college course in Oregon. Again Lynn, were you not accepting penis' up your backdoor for profit at one time? Oh! I almost forgot, you only did it twice.

And blaming our pal Curious for your vitriolictic comments about Kendra. You should know by now nothing is private or sacred on Luke. And while I am at it, lay off Jimmy D. He is hilarious. Without him Luke's show would be as exasperating as one of Luke's father's religious tapes.

Lynne writes: Rumdar, it is obviously very important to you that we do a complete sphincter history of everyone who posts on l-keford.com so that we can accurately evaluate their positions. Apparently you are familiar with my anal timeline, but Curious and Jimmy D.: has anyone ever traveled up their Hershey Highways? And Rumdar, your own experience, please?

How can Jimmy D.? be funny without having been anally penetrated? Isn't that what humor is all about? We laugh at the idea that I have been the recipient of anal sex despite my limited experience...and Jimmy is "hilarious." Surely he must have some anal gang bang tales to share with us?

I don't think Curious has any sex, anal or otherwise, so it is hardly funny that he chose to use me to disseminate his own opinions on Kendra Jade. It was Curious who was determined to send our conversation to Luke. I told him Kendra's feelings would be hurt, but did he care? No! I told him that she would be upset with me, but did that matter? Obviously not! It was more important he prove to Luke and to the rest of you that he was capable of carrying on a conversation with an actual woman, even in cyberspace, even me. Curious is obviously the kind of guy who stole his sister's panties to hang out of his fraternity house window in college, so the other guys would think he'd scored. Certainly I shall never take him seriously again.

I do agree with you, Rumdar, that Luke's father's religious tapes are exasperating, I disagree that Luke's show would be worse off without Jimmy D. I caught Luke's show a couple weeks back when Jimmy had other obligations and Luke was on his own. I was not bored with references to anal sex, feces or flatulence that would appeal to fourteen-year-old boys: I listened to the entire show. Though occasionally caught off guard by a savvy question, Luke conducted himself like a gentleman.

Luke is never crude or vulgar. Because the conversations did not revolve around Luke's dick, I came away with some idea of the personalities of his guests. I would prefer Luke hone his media skills and practice on-air interviewing technique, rather than subject his listeners to common gutter shock jock programming. And not that you would notice, but Luke has tremendous sex appeal, whereas Jimmy has none.

James DiGiorgio writes: Lukey- At the risk of sounding stupid, and maybe making you sound stupid, and maybe making anyone who reads this sound stupid, does this Lynn thing's response to me mean I'm not getting an apology from her?

Yours, James DiGiorgio (aka JimmyD) (whose porn credentials also pre-date "The Sopornos,")

Rumdar writes: Lets think of a new alias for Levi in 2001. Have a contest as it were. Invent the new improved Luke... Let's think of a new persona for Luke. How about "administrator of a shelter for abused and battered female porn stars"? I like it. Social work with a porno twist.

Ann: sabbath's over, back to the jizz biz?
Ann: i am watching to the perfect movie for you, and there's no f---ing in it.
Ann: 'keeping the faith' - two best friends grow up to become a catholic priest and a rabbi and both try to modernize their churches and get into a fight over a girl. this is a hoot
Ann: so gonna do anything this weekend? or are your options limited?
Luzdedos1: tons of parties to go to but will mainly stay home
Ann: the porno industries is having xmas parties? that's perverse just from the sound of it. :)
Ann: why not go?
Luzdedos1: i hate secular parties
Ann: well what did you expect from this bunch? besides, you went to parties before. i've seen the pictures
Luzdedos1: im finally feeling better after 10 weeks of illness
Luzdedos1: I find I am happier staying in at nights and getting up early to go to shul to pray and study Talmud
Luzdedos1: i had a girlfriend who, when she got bossy with me, I'd just f--- her very hard and that would put her in a calm place

I had a fantastic shabbat...I met so many swell people at shul today... I met lots of Hollywood gedolim. I saw again this dark Persian gal who makes my heart race...but we have not exchanged a word yet. Why is it that certain types just make my heart sing? I experience this incredibly keen longing for somebody I don't know.

Lynne writes: Ask Turvi The Cat, Luke [Menopausesolutionsonline.com]. It has to do with hormones, like on your Mom's site. Something is triggering an adrenalin rush in you. Your synapes are on overload. It could be a fetish (I get that way when I see a pair of patent leather stiletto shoes). It could be something that entered your life before the age of five, during which time one's most visceral impressions are laid down. I've learned not to trust it, that it is a prelude to dangerous, irrational behavior and to being hurt. Now, when I get it, it tend to be more because someone is a certain intellectual type rather than a physical type, but it serves me no better. But ask her out anyway.

Brandy Meets Brilliant Gay Jerk Off

BrandyAlx1: I'm confused. Is everyone saying that trailer trash and stupidity go hand in hand? Is it not possible for someone to be trailer trash in social graces and practically a rocket scientist at the same time?
BrandyAlx1: You can't judge intelligence by what people say or do.
BrandyAlx1: I suppose you can question the intelligence of someone who says or does things that repeatedly bring intelligence into question, but that might be more a matter of mental health.
BrandyAlx1: I was watching this guy jerk off on a webcam last night and I had watched him before. I'm sort of a fan. I actually downloaded and installed ICQ just so I could reach him and let him know.
BrandyAlx1: We chatted for about 3 hours. He's brilliant and funny (and gay). You might wonder why someone so brilliant would jerk off for the whole internet on a webcam. Well, for the most part, we are exhibitionists.
BrandyAlx1: Whether that's in itself if the mental health issue I would wait for a real honest-to-goodness psychiatrist to tell me.
BrandyAlx1: On the flip side, I've reached wanking men who hadn't a brain in their head even when their penis WASN'T hard. Sort of ruined viewing then for me.
BrandyAlx1: Hey, here's brilliance. I took apart my monitor last night because I was tired of it being too dark and out of focus (I didn't really notice focus until someone mentioned it). After a lot of poking and prodding and tweaking to save myself a fee for professional calibration it looks incredible! Like a brand new monitor. I had no idea so much stuff was out of whack. I put up color bars and gamma chips and adjusted everything. Then someone told me how I could seriously electrocuted by a monitor even when it's unplugged. :::shrug:::

Dear Chaim Amalek

Dear Chaim Amalek: I am a Torab observant Jew. My Jewish mother is marrying a black man who is not Jewish. What should I do? Should I attend the wedding?

Luke replies: You can't attend her wedding. But you should let her know that you still love her.

Chaim Amalek replies: Oy vey, is this a tough one. I find myself going all over the lot on this one. Damn. But here goes:

1. The Torah - Take: Give precedence to clearly stated written law over the nebulous mislabeled, so-called oral law. Remember: HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER You would be dishonoring your Mother were you to avoid attending her wedding, and since your Father is dead, it is no dishonor to him for you to be there. (I just realized that this is a very questionable assertion. There must be a lot of personal history there that I suspect is the real deal breaker for you. Who instigated the divorce, and who do you blame for your parents' break-up?)

Now, even if you hold by the so-called "oral law" against intermarriage, the fact is that a lot of it appears to have occured in the written torah, without any hostile result from God. I understand that Solomon went so far as to marry a black woman without any ill effect. Even if you disapprove of intermarriage, can't you see that it is of less impact when it comes to a woman who is well past her child-bearing years than it would be for a fertile young female? And anyway, all it will do is provide them with some legal rights under Canadian law. Does not sound as though there will be any religious component to deal with.

2. The Racial Take, or Just How Liberal Are You? If she were marrying a high-status WASP, would you be as disturbed, or is it that she is marrying a shvartze that is really troubling? Perhaps your problem is not that you fear that she is commiting a violation of the Torah, but rather that you recoil from what you take to be RACIAL treason. (Ever notice that Black/white marriages are about 3:1 Black man and white women? White men do not seem to prize the Black woman anywhere near as much as the black man covets the white woman.) I think that this is a perfectly defensible position to take. On the other hand, she is you mother . . .

3. RESOLUTION I do not know what happened between your mother and father, and I suspect that what you grew up with there trumps this analysis. Since it is not a religious ceremony, I do not see that this is any more of a problem, theologically speaking, than co-signing a lease together.

4. NO RESOLUTION I am just writing out loud here. Who is harmed by your attending a civil ceremony? Are you more afraid of being shamed before your peers (?) in Momsey than in violating your faith? Just asking.

OK, you could take the position that a civil ceremony is no more of import to you than taking out a driver's license. The "Big Even" already took place when they began to cohabit, and if your were fine with that, then .....

Hmmm..... Having a black man as a Grand Pa might influence the racial outlook of your daughters. I can see your point.