Wednesday, August 2nd, 2000
Tough Day
JonBoy@Bitemydick.com writes on Netpond: Just found out my limo driver embezzled 40 grand in company funds. The guy says to me with a straight face "JD I know I stole, and I shouldn't have stolen but I probably stole less than you probably think I stole, but I saw the way you spend money and I figured what the hell, it was okay." So, I calmly say, "yes but Joe, it's my f---ING MONEY!" So being the nice guy that I am I give him 24 hours to Return the Limo. 24 Hours Later I get a call from New Jersey and My Limo Driver Has Fled the state with MY LIMOUSINE and is trying to trade it on another car! Soooo today I spend ALL DAY with the State Police issuing warrents on my whacked out limo driver. His Final words to me were. "I guess this means you probably won't need me for your neices wedding in september." I said. "Probably not"
There Are Still Russian Women In Russia
Curious writes: Luke, Rumdar, Fred, Chaim, et al. Our prayers have been answered! I had always assumed that you would have to go to an Israeli whore house in order to meet a beautiful Russian woman, but I was wrong! It turns out that not all of the gorgeous and educated women of Russian were recruited by highly unethical Hebrew pimps. A precious few still live in Russia and it looks like they're dying to get the hell out!
I'm looking at a sexy Stephanie Swift type right now on www.euroladies.com. Her name is Galina (#EC7636) and here are her specs: Age: 27, Ht: 5 ' 8 ", Wt: 119 lbs., City: CHEBOKSARY. Hobbies: I have a variety of hobbies which include playing guitar and violin, dancing and cooking gourmet foods. I enjoy everything beautiful, interesting people and conversation, nature and fashion. Comments: I wish to meet a serious, reliable, stable gentleman to make a strong family with.
These women are gorgeous and you can bet that they have none of the western baggage that the typical American chick carries around. Simply put, Luke's apartment is a palace compared to what they are used to in the motherland. "A sleeping bag! Oh, you spoil me Luke F-rd!" "Toilet paper and tampons for me? It is not my birthday!" "That is fine if you wish to attend bukkake. I am happy to sit in van and wait."
Remember guys, Galina is mine! I already put a deposit down on her. Click here: Search Results
Sweet Entertainment Group vs PersonalPorn.com
Sweet writes: In October of 1999, SEG Filed a law suit in California Court against E-Race Technologies, the operators of Personal Porn (Content Lease Plug-In) SEG Contends that E-Race used approximately 2400 Copyrighted SEG Images on their "Gallery Site" PERSONALPORN.COM from February 1999 through Present. SEG contends that no license for commercial use was ever issued to E-Race, a fact, which E-Race does not contest. On December 13th E-Race filed a “Motion To Dismiss” based on Lack of Jurisdiction and Improper Venue. We’ll the Courts just drove another nail into the coffin of Personal Porn. On July 31st we received word that Judge that E-Race’s Motion to Dismiss has been DENIED. We are going to court in California as we hoped :) For more information regarding this case, please visit http://www.sweetentertainment.com
Steve Easton writes on the APIC posting board: l-keford is attempting suicide. I tried to stop him from jumping but he is too deep in his plot to splatter the sidewalks of the Internet with blood and guts. God help us all, especially the British Commonwealth.
Teen Boy Wants To Be Porn Star
jasonnarine@hotmail.com writes: Iam intrested in becoming a porn star iam under age but want to become one so badly i can be anything pictures for the internet acting in a movie like the 2 people are having sex and i just pass bye sit on a chair and masturbate anything i have a big dick sooo responde me please!!!!
What's Up With Porn Industry?
Witrock writes: Dear Lukey, How come the adult industry doesn't use more fresh faced young women like Cheyenne Silver and Naughtia Childs? For the life of me I don't know why those gals ain't pulling in the big bucks and skanks with big fake rock hard boobies and way too much plastic surgery like Jenna Jameson are. Enough of those fake boobies! Lots of us dudes want they real mammary gland! And fresh faced young talent! Not these broads who cake their makeup on and look like blow up Barbies! And more girls with glasses! I like chicks with glasses! They look like Kennedy from MTV! Bye Luke, say hi to Obi Wan for me.
From today's USA Today:
PALO ALTO, Calif. — A decision is expected as early as this week in one of the Internet's most intriguing disputes, involving the ownership of the name Sex.com.
"This case has it all: bankruptcy fraud, pornography, forgery, offshore holdings, deep pockets, dirty tricks, depositions in foreign cities and a bitter dispute over rights to a multimillion-dollar domain name," says Ellen Rony, co-author of The Domain Name Handbook.
The coveted Sex.com name has helped Stephen Michael Cohen, 52, build an adult entertainment network that some porn executives say is worth at least $250 million.
Cohen countersued Kremen and his lawyer, and filed a $50 million libel lawsuit against Luke F-rd, an online gossip columnist who focuses on the sex industry and has written about the case.
No one expects Cohen to back down.
"He intimidates a lot of people in an industry filled with outlaws," Ford says.
Pimpline.com
Helpful nags: You know, Luke, it's not so much that you censor your photos, but it's more the egocentric way you do it. Have you no shame?
Chaim writes: How about a contest or two? The first Fordian to marry someone met through the site wins an all expense paid stay at Casa Ford. OK, so that is not much of an idea, but you get the idea - marketing.
Priceline is a plausible business model, branching off from airline tickets to groceries to gasoline. But not hookers. And that is where the opportunity presents itself. The world needs a Priceline.com approach to getting hookers. You know, "name your price!", what you are looking for etc. This is a natural, as this field is frought with supply/demand imbalances and pricing uncertainty, to say nothing of useless middle-men (known as pimps) who contribute to nothing save the cost. Pimpline.com ( Luke, grab that name before it is gone!) would provide a much needed service, one that would make you rich and bring Peppy into your life as a business woman, a much less threatening point of entry than as spectator to a porn web site.
Luke, I have given you ideas with which to make you a rich man many times over. Enough said.
John: Chaim, you get on my nerves with all of your ideas. You're so clever, why don't you put them into effect yourself and become a millionaire, then you can brag about it on Luke F-rd. You're just so hypothetical, Chaim. Why don't you become a man of action, act on your own ideas, instead of sitting on your ass and telling others what great ideas you have for them?
Amused writes: It occurs to me that this frustrating long distance Peppy situation combined with the fact that hard-core pornography infests every single facet of your tawdry little life that you may be drawn into the evil temptation of masturbation. Luke, resist the onastic urge! Remember! Every time you tug upon your wee wee the devil gains more strength! Be strong for Peppy and your readers!
BTW Helpful is right. More snatch! Less words! Click here: (circa 1970)
Luke: I am sure that many of my secular readers will be amused by this but I offer it in the hope that it will be of some genuinely serious help for those among my readers who are afflicted by this disability. Email Luke your suggestions on overcoming wanking.
Rumdar: Luke.. I have never read a more useful and important self help document than "Steps In Overcoming Masturbation." I am Ahhhh! pulling myself together as I read it.
Goddess: Playing with yourself too much is now considered a "disability"??? Can you collect social security for that? If so, let me know how. I have a "friend" who might qualify.
Luke: I realize that this document is a big joke to all you secularists, but when the Messiah comes, us good guys will go to Heaven and you wankers will burn in Hell. Remember, God loves you!
Jack: Luke, As an authority in these matters, I figured I should ask you and put this question forever to rest. Do most cumshot photos show actual human semen or is something else used? If something else is used, what is it? Is seems like pausing to squirt fake cum all over a girls face, tits, or pussy would be a pretty funny part of any photoshoot! Speak, oh wise one!
Luke: (1) It is a great sin in the Jewish tradition to spill your seed.
(2) I believe that most cumshots in porn show actual human semen. When they use something else, it is usually hand lotion or the equivalent.
Rumdar: Luke.. I find that excessive masturbation can be kept to acceptable levels by watching or reading any pornos that Gloria Leonard is in. Of course you have to check the "silent film" section of your stroke shop to find any. Be careful, too much Gloria Leonard can lead to impotence.
Email: Dear Mr. Ford:
It has come to my attention that you have recently published the Mormon Guide To Self Control. Before your readers mock this historic document let me assure you that it is 100% effective. I was much like you, Mr. Ford, a chronic and compulsive masturbator until I followed the guide's 21 easy to follow steps. I have now been free of those shameful sins for 14 months and 20 days!
Don't believe me? The secret is in step # 6 which states that: "If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight." I urge your decadent readers to try the steps for one month and see if you do not gainer a higher self-esteem level and renewed vitality. I did.
Sincerely, "Former Fondler"
ps I have also found that duct taping oven mitts on to both hands to be very helpful in extreme cases of self-abusers such as yourself.
Fred: Luke-- Forget about the steps listed in the above-menioned guide. There is really a much easier way to rid ones self from this shameful habit. Just click on that damn photo included in the e-mail of "Former Fondler". That will rid you of all such inclinations for life. Of course, you will probably be permanently impotent or frigid, but what the heck. You'll be a more virtuous person. Yech.
Luke: Fred, you suffer from lookism.
Curious writes: Luke, is this an inside joke or something? I believe that photo of the "Former Fondler" is none other than Chaim Amalek. Please confirm my suspicion.
Xtrovert writes: Luke, I write on the subject of masturbation currently under discussion on your Website. My doctor advised me recently that for optimum prostate health, a middle-aged man should ejaculate at least 3 times per week. He advised me that if I couldn't find someone to do it with then to do it myself.
Apparently, 3 ejaculations per week "flushes" (his word) the prostate gland out and keeps it healthy. Regular prostate flushing prevents various prostate infections and irritations such as chronic benign prostatitis and, possibly, prostate cancer. Men who fail to ejaculate regularly (either alone or with a lover) are putting themselves at risk. In short, use it or loose it. Check this out with one of the doctors at AIM. Maybe my croaker is a quack and doesn't know what he's talking about......but for now, I believe him.....
Steps In Overcoming Masturbation
Mark E. Petersen Council of the 12 Apostles
Be assured that you can be cured of your difficulty. Many have been, both male and female, and you can be also if you determine that it must be so. This determination is the first step. That is where we begin. You must decide that you will end this practice, and when you make that decision, the problem will be greatly reduced at once. But it must be more than a hope or a whish, more than knowing that it is good for you. It must be actually a DECISION. If you truly make up your mind that you will be cured, then you will have the strength to resist any tendencies which you may have and any temptations which may come to you. After you have made this decision, then observe the following specific guidelines:
A Guide to Self-Control:
1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes.
2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.
3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.
4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.
5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.
7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mid. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.
8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books -- Church books -- Scriptures -- Sermons of the Brethern [sic, Cistern too?]. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.
9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER -- NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT _OUT_ of your mind!
The attitude of a person toward his problem has an affect [sic] on how easy it is to overcome. It is essential that a firm commitment be made to control the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the behavior, and is sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the act, he develops the power to control it. We are taught that our bodies are temples of God, and are to be clean so that the Holy Ghost may dwell within us.
Masturbation is a sinful habit that robs one of the Spirit and creates guilt and emotional stress. It is not physically harmful unless practiced in the extreme. It is a habit that is totally self-centered, and secretive, and in no way expresses the proper use of the procreative power given to man to fulfill eternal purposes. It therefore separates a person from God and defeats the gospel plan. This self-gratifying activity will cause one to lose his self-respect testimony becomes weak, and missionary work and other Church callings become burdensome...
Suggestions:
1. Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out lout when the temptations are the strongest.
2. Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise. The exercises reduce emotional tension and depression and are absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing.
3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell _STOP_ to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.
4. Set goals of abstinence, begin with a day, then a week, month, year and finally commit to never doing it again. Until you commit yourself to _never again_ you will always be open to temptation.
5. Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations.
6. Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. Relate this plan to improving your Church service, to improving your relationships with your family, God and others. Strive to enhance your strengths and talents.
7. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as _How to Win Friends and Influence People_ by Dale Carnegie.
8. Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape. Plan in advance to counter these low periods through various activities, such as reading a book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc.
9. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of self control, color the day black. Your goal will be to have _no black days_. The calendar becomes a strong visual reminder of self control and should be looked at when you are tempted to add another black day. Keep your calendar up until you have at least three clear months.
10. A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at certain times and under certain conditions. Try and recall, in detail, what your particular times and conditions were. Now that you understand how it happens, plan to break the pattern through counter activities.
11. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called _aversion therapy_. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.
12. During your toileting and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy. Take cool brief showers.
13. Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.
14. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring.
15. Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night.
16. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.
17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement.
18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.
19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.
20. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A quarter in a receptacle each time you overcome or reach a goal. Spend it on something which delights you and will be a continuing reminder of your progress.
21. Do not let yourself return to any past habit or attitude patterns which were part of your problem. _Satan Never Gives Up_. Be calmly and confidently on guard. Keep a positive mental attitude. You can win this fight! The joy and strength you will feel when you do will give your whole life a radiant and spiritual glow of satisfaction and fulfillment.
Rob: When you get right down to it, although the Torah (and the Bible) would attempt to dissuade men from masturbation (or simply try to scare the living s--- out of the less than average wanker), one must always attempt to place religious writings in a modern context.
Onan, in committing his "great sin" was, in fact, a leader in what is now a seminal American value in that he was one of the first major characters to express the concept "if you want it done right, do it yourself."
Luke Proclaims - The Masturbation Calendar Works
Luke confesses: Dear Readers, I have been in possession of this valuable anti-masturbation guide for over two years now and I dare say it does work like a charm. The most effective step is # 9 which encourages you to make a pocket wanking calendar and to cross out only the days that you have a "lapse of control." This helps you to psychologically reinforce your successful non-stroking days. To illustrate its power to curb masturbation I offer to you my calendar from February 1998. My most successful month ever! Work the 21 steps my friends and be free of the guilt and shame forever!
Mr Marcus.com
Tubby Prickpuller writes: If you really want to see that porn girl of your dreams get f---ed by a Brotha with a horsecock, you've gotta let them know. Here are some of their email addresses. Kerrywindsor@hotmail.com jewel@jeweldenyle.com bailey79@aol.com...let then know that's what the fans want to see
BigT replies: Please don't ruin these poor girls lives by trying to pressure them into doing interracial scenes against their will. They obviously find having sex with a black man repulsive and don't want to ruin their careers. Please show some consideration.
Tom: i have spoken to a few porn gals when they dance at my area club, they laugh when guys beg them to do a scene with a certain guy or blacks, they get a power rush and it is funny to them, it does not influence them, they get paid regardless, some fan won't convince a gal who hates black to do black. bottom line: save your dignity, don't beg, these gals are laughing at you, be strong and proud, get off your knees for once at blow those girls off, f--- em!
Wesley Snipes: Be honest now Marcus. Did you really f--- 101 women in the World's Luckiest Black Man? How many days did the shoot take? Did any of the women fail the skank test and so you refused to f--- them? Did you use Viagra? Where the hell do you find 101 freaky sluts like that? Hell, I'm busting my ass to find one good freak! You are my hero!
Southern Girl writes: I go out to California to work in the business for a few weeks at a time. Tony XXX use to "manage" me. Come to find out, not only was he taken the 20% we agreed upon, he wouldn't give me the total amount the scene paid. On top of that he would get the agent fee from the company. He would cut the scene payment to me by up to $400. At times he made more for the scene than I did! He does it to all the girls he "represents." He does nothing but use girls and from what I hear beat them up. What a pimp!
Kid Vegas (purportedly) writes: You ain't lying, girlfriend! Tony pimp slapped me and took my money too. I thought he loved me! I was such a fool. Watch out for that bastard!
Net Porn For Women
Webfather writes: I have conducted a survey on men.com for about a week trying to see how many women are coming to the site and what they are looking for. This is a TYPICAL email I am getting: "Very tired of seeing websites for guys only or for gays and lesbians, where are all the good sites for us heterosexual women that want to see some nice looking men???" Now this is not a huge market as I would say I am getting about 10 responses per 3500 visitors per day. But they do say the same thing and I don't think most want to see action sex. They just want to see pictures of REAL men that are not gay.
CJ from purvebucks.com writes on Netpond: my female traffic converts twice as well on www.bigharddick.com as it does on purve.com - women say they want one thing, but purchase another
Djinna of Pythonvideo.com writes: I personally would love to see pictures of hot men I can at least pretend are straight! I recently saw an industry print ad or story that was talking about stuff for straight women but was accompanied by what was almost certainly a gay-oriented picture of a leatherman who could have come straight from the Pride parade!
Fay Sharpe writes: A lot of women like the teasers, and are not into the "pretty boy" look - Content for women is very hard to find! Any takers? On the flip side - look how strong the amateur category is for men. I can't believe the ugly 'girl next door pics I sell.
Carla at Purve.com has studied this market for 2 years (before anyone even thought that women surfed and looked at sex) She is probably the most well versed on the subject. However, what people have to realize is that what women want - is as diverse as what men want! But, it is a consensus that they like it a little softer, a nicer presentation, and more romance. (A woman can dream can't she hehe) The market IS out there and growing. Don't forget - if you have a site of interest to women - submit it to http://www.femquest.com. We are not doing porn sites, but do have a classification for Women's erotica - if you have one without nudity.
Kevin Blatt writes on Netpond: Cockrings make you hard as a friggin' rock, by cutting off the blood suplly at the base of the penis. It makes the head of the cock bigger as well. This has been your daily sex lesson from KB SunDown.
oh, and PS, any of you idiots that bash BlueGravity obviously don't have a clue. I used to work for Tom selling hosting over there and I know for a fact that Tom places his money where his mouth is. He is so customer service oriented that when I worked for him, I was his 24 hour phone call guy. Guess what? No one ever called me after 10:00, ever!
Crank Up The Vagina - Crank Up The Hits
Helpful writes: A few short months ago you were crowing about your position as the 6,130th most visited site on the web and I advised that if you dumbed it down and increased the nudity you could take this rickety site to the next level of success. Your response was to censor all the hard-core photos (Are you vagina-phobic?) and increase the credit card industry and Jewish theology crap! Now you have sunk to the 10,000th most visited site on the net.
Luke, do you realize that there are sites dedicated to the "I Dream of Genie" television series that place higher than l-keford.com? The patient is dying and the time for triage is NOW! Repeat after me: "Vagina Good. Credit Cards Bad."
Chaim: I say screw it - go full throttle with the sort of photos Sarah had to study to become an MD. And be sure to include lots of stuff from the National Alliance and Yggdrasil, too.
Rumdar: Luke I partly agree with helpful. Here is my take...Luke's dating life (or lack of) great...Jewish shtick, good...vagina stuff, O.K...credit cards, absolutely not. What self respecting Luke-ite Is going to give his credit card number (not to mention spending $$) just to garner inspiration to whack his noodle? I would say damned few. Let's hear more about the stale crackers, white and yellow cheese, disgusting sperm cell dip, and desperate women at the singles mixers. Get there early, the food goes fast. And I don't think anyone gives a s--- about the Australian Mafia either.
Helpful scolds: Rumdar! You homo! Are you crazy? You rated Luke's dating life and Chaim's Jewish shtick above gratuitous photographs of vaginas?
Rumdar: Luke, Helpful nailed me. How about nude shots of Serge Birbrair and Ron Levi ?
Armando dice: Yo tambien quiero mas vagina en l-keford.com! Cual es su problema, eres joto? Viva vagina!
Armando says: I also desire more vagina at l-keford.com! What is your problem, are you homo? Hooray for pussy!
Curious scolds Luke: Moron! Did it ever occur to you that your rather "unusual" occupation may really pique her interest in you? You are a published author. Webmaster of the 10,000th (and sinking) most popular site on the web. And one of the more well-known cogs in your industry. (Don't mention the "Hustler's Asshole of the Month just yet.) She may also find herself fascinated by your entrepreneurial chutzpah! Trust me on this.
Running a successful porn reporting site is a very minor skeleton compared to most people's inventory. You're funny and intelligent. What more could she want? Be your f---ing self and you are in.
Marc: assuming she doesn't know, you certainly don't want to drop by this little reunion Friday night--the result will be plenty of that back-slapping male bonding over what's up with houston, etc. keep the site relatively banal over the next few days and maybe there'll be fewer problems. i'd say transcribe the more self-righteous moments from the berkowitz chat, she'd certainly enjoy reading that. (if it's any consolation i would, too.)
Chaim: Oy vey, if this woman still does not know what you do for a living, then there is trouble in paradise. Luke, this goes back to my notion of women her age being set in their ways and women in their early 20's (still within range for you) being much much MUCH more open minded (at least if they are not American Jews). Still, in her defense, being told that ones potential SO is meeting with a private dick to discuss the Australian Porn Mafia is going to be very tough for the average woman to swallow. Does not conform to any of the fantasies about the perfect man she has been polishing for the last 20 years.
Chaim: Curious Is right. The moment you start appologizing for your life is the moment you are dead. If she cannot deal with who/what you are, f--- her and redirect your gaze to substantially younger women.
Rumdar writes: I am having a complex time of it here in H-town. Usually my life is uncomplicated. I go from one shallow relationship to the next. I was a happy man. Even happier when I discovered Asians, particularly Filipinas. Of course my friends put me down for not dating Anglos but who cares. One look at their demanding hag wives and I knew I was on the right track. Then I met a sweet little housekeeper. I told you about her. We were dancing the samba Sunday nite. Actually, she was dancing and I was watching. shake! shake! shake! She wants to be married and have a child. We chat on the phone four times a day. She is such a cutie. I am beginning to have domestic thoughts that scare me. I wrote to a Jewish lesbian friend. No help at all. Here is what I got back.
xxxxxx, Here's the advice: Lay down and take a nap and this too shall pass. Remember the time you were obsessing about Nanuk? That was only two weeks ago. P.S. I'd rather get the photo of the 5'11" single biker. Of course, she was Anglo so I'm sure too intimidating for you. You might have actually been able to have a conversation with her. Too much work. Better stick to Kareoke tunes and housekeepers/manicurists/.
Rumdar: What to do! What to do!
Luke: Rum, you should marry her and make of her an honest woman.
John: Rumdar, why do you ask some lesbian about advice on your love life? Are you a dick? Can't you make decisions for yourself? Can't you tell if you are happy or not? That Philippina girl sounds wonderful. Why don't you just marry her, move in with her, or whatever? What a chickens---! Where is H-town?
Rumdar: Luke allow me to answer the questions of Mr. Arnold in the order in which they were asked:
"Rumdar, why do you ask some lesbian about advice on your love life?"
She happens to be a friend. Advice on any subject is always welcome. Consensus is important in making decisions. Are you suggesting lesbians cannot give good advice?
"Are you a dick?"
Yes, absolutely.
"Can't you make decisions for yourself? Can't you tell if you are happy or not?"
Yes, most of the time I make decisions for myself. Usually I am very happy. Occasionally I query close friends, including lesbian friends to help chart the course as it were.
"That Philippina girl sounds wonderful. Why don't you just marry her, move in with her, or whatever?"
This is a tough one. She is all you mentioned and more. Intelligent, cute, sexy, loyal, loves to cook and a pleasure to be with (and Wow! can she dance). The problem is, and only my close friends know this, I have been carrying on a long term, romantic, passionate relationship with Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. Please keep this to yourself. Now you see the quandary I am caught up in.
"What a chickens---!" Agreed.
"Where is H-town."
Obtain a map of Texas John. Run your finger south towards the coast. You will see the Island of Galveston. Now move your finger north about fifty miles. There it is, H-town. It is bloody hot here now. If you are driving down make sure you have air conditioning in your vehicle. And thanks for your questions and comments...
John: Rumdar, I disagree with you about consensus on making decisions, especially concerning a romantic thing. You know your own thoughts and feelings, you know what's best for you. People can mislead you, give you bad advice. And their advice is tainted by their own prejuidices. For example, your lesbian friend--she probably doesn't really approve much of hetero sex. Mainly she wants to bump pussies with other gals. If you claim an attractive girl as your own, that's one less pussy for her and her friends. From her point of view, she would probably wish that all guys were gay, so that all the girls in the world would want their pussies sucked by other girls. She's your competitor in the meat market, that's why I say why ask her for advice. Also, it appears she's got some prejudices against housekeepers and manicurists, as if you could not be happy with a girl unless she has a Masters Degree or higher. Who gives a s--- about someone's educational level, as long as they are not stupid? If you get along with her, that's what's important. Just because she hasn't gone to school for a lot of years doesn't mean she's not smart. College is overrated. Some college educated people are some of the most brainwashed, knee-jerk, dumb people around. They don't know s--- from experience, but act like know-it-alls. That girl sounds very cute. So if you want outside advice, I say you should stick with her. Yes, I've been in Houston before. I thought you might've meant Honolulu...
Chaim: Luke, perhaps you ought to start looking at jewesses from the former soviet union. they have a much more, um, realistic and adaptable view of life.
Fred writes: Sir: You write that Linda Thoren doesn't do anal sex anymore. Do you have any insight as to whether that is due to a recent medical condition vs. that she simply doesn't like it? And if she doesn't like it, did she ever like it? Or are her earlier videos and pictures simply her putting up a brave front? This is a recurring subject on RAME (actresses who refuse to do anal). It would be interesting getting Ms. Thoren's opinion.
On another note, you might be interested in asking your buddy, William Pierce, the following question. Since Pierce dislikes Jews on racial grounds, does he have any objection to folks like yourself, who are (I presume) Anglo-Saxon, but have converted to the faith. Presumably, you have none of the racial taint that Mr. Pierce objects to. Does he, in fact, dislike Anglo-Saxons who convert to Judaism as much as he dislikes folks born into the faith?
On yet another note, you indicated that you attended a lecture on the 8th Commandment (stealing). The lecturer commented about theft of intellectual property. I found that remarkable. The various forms of intellectual property law are fairly recent developments in the history of law--say 3 or 4 centuries. Clearly, there is nothing Biblical or Talmudic about it. Is there?
Rumdar: We will be at the computer waiting for the odd bulletin all weekend. Here let me find a good quote....quotes Cyril Connelly 1903-1974
There is no fury like a woman looking for a new lover. (I like it)
Literature is the art of writing something that will be read twice,
journalism what will be read once. (also good)
Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the
public and have no self ....(not necessarily true)
one more.. All charming people have something to conceal. Usually their
total dependence on the appreciation of others.
Curious writes fawningly to Kira Eggers: Ms. Eggers, I have only recently become aware of you through the internet. I truly appreciate your intelligence, charm, humor, and beauty. Do you ever plan on coming to America? I know Denmark would miss you, but come on guys you can share. I tell you what we can make an exchange. We will send you Pamela Anderson in trade for Kira. OK That was a trick. Ms. Anderson is actually a Canadian. Please visit soon and if you need a place to stay you can stay at my house. ;-)
Lynne L-patin: A rhetorical question, and one to which I think I know
the answer already, but -- will you still love me if I drop the vet
thing and just go for a Fitness Technology Degree?
Luzdedos1: yes
Lynne L-patin: That's it....gotta do homework. I'm in the top 10 percent
of all women of all ages my trainer has ever worked with and I've decreased
my body fat ratio over the term.
Luke Gives Rabbinic Blessing To Lynne, Curious
Lynne writes: What would you feel about Curious and I having a serious relationship? Would you feel happy for him and me, or unhappy for yourself, or maybe a little of both? By serious, I mean long term and honorable. We have been corresponding privately for about a month now, and he has sent me his photo, and he is an attractive, intelligent man. I think it is worth pursuing, and am in no hurry, but at some point you become our mutual reference to one another and the person best positioned to offer an honest opinion about my ability to be respectful and committed.
Luke: I think it would be a great idea, and so do my readers.
Marc: curious sounds like a mensch. lynne would suitably distract him from having three hours to kill on the phone with me and luke under the guise of being guests on a "radio show". keep in mind that the LF.com faithful will demand a hair-splitting account of any future encounters
Lynne L-patin: I thought you had screwed it up with Curious, but I
guess not....
Luzdedos1: :)
Lynne L-patin: You are happy?
Luzdedos1: yes
Lynne L-patin: I'm happy, too. I don't take relationships lightly....having
Bruce die in my arms cured me of that
Lynne L-patin: Just don't want to be accused of stalking again
Lynne L-patin: Rabbi, your blessing means the world to me
Luzdedos1: i bless you
Lynne L-patin: Anyway...I want to talk with NJG...I love you, which
is different than being in love with you...so nothing changes between
us, you understand
Lynne L-patin: Don't f--- this up for me, or it will be hard to be friends
afterwards
Lynne L-patin: Sorry about profanity,
Lynne L-patin: will check in later...I'm going to rip Portland to shreds
over the next year and they will never know what hit 'em...
Nina Wants Tipper
Joe writes: Saw this item on the Associated Press wire today. Thought you'd find it interesting.
"Porn star Nina Hartley has made her choice--and it's neither George W. Bush nor Al Gore. Hartley is sexually attracted to Tipper Gore the most. Hartley says Tipper seems like a 'perky, fun girl' who'd be 'fun to play with.' As for Tipper's husband and his opponent, Hartley says Bush is a 'tweedy dip' and Gore is 'a stick.' Not that she's available to fool around with either of them, Hartley says she's been married to a man--and a woman--for 18 years. Politically, Hartley favors Gore because she's afraid Bush would crack down on the porn industry. She's in Philadelphia campaigning for free speech."
Jennifer Aniston I can understand (BTW, I'm still mourning her marriage). Chelsea Clinton I could understand. Tipper?? Have I missed something?
Believe it or not, I listen to Rush Limbaugh AND read this site and consume porn (latest purchase: Nice Rack #4 and Shane's World #24...both very good stuff).
Shatner Finds Laughs In Grief
Marc: fellow canadian jew william shatner is blowing some of his priceline stock profits to produce a comedy about sitting shiva for his drowned wife? (not sure if she was even jewish.)
From the June 26th Hollywood Reporter: Shatner will produce and direct "Shiva Club," about stand-up comics who decide to audition for an influential comedian by showing up at his house while he is mourning his wife during the Jewish ritual known as shiva.
Shiva is a week-long mourning period some Jews observe after the death of a family member, which typically includes the family staying within the house while friends and family visit to pay their respects.
"I had a personal tragedy last year in my life (the drowning death of his wife), and during the process of sitting shiva, the concept occurred to me: Grief can be funny," Shatner told The Hollywood Reporter.
Jenna Jameson on Cynthia Garrett
Jenna Jameson writes Wednesday morning: Hey Luke! Wazzzuuup? Just wanted to let you know that I will be appearing on Cynthia Garrett next week on Wednesday or Thursday… I talked about a lot of stuff they will probably have to edit out! In case you don’t know when it airs- it’s on after Conan O’brien! – Thanx cutie- JJ
Luke: I believe you were already on, Tuesday morning, August 1st.
Kevin: I was sick (and pissed off) that I missed Jenna's appearance on Later last night (actually this morning) and then I saw her message to you indicating that it would be airing sometime next week. Can you please confirm somehow whether or not it was, in fact, on last night or has it been rescheduled? If it was on last night, do you know how to get a hold of a copy?
Luke: It was supposed to be on Tuesday morning.
Jenna: I stayed up last night…. It wasn’t on. Some comedian chick was on. I’ll call Joy to try to find out where the f--- up is!- JJ
From GeneRoss.com: "Originally scheduled to come on and promote her new Wicked film Dream Quest, Jenna Jameson was scheduled to be on NBC's "Later" this evening. Now we discover it will be later. NBC.com has been promoting Jenna's appearance but Wicked just got word that there's been a postponement to next week. In any event, Jameson began promoting the Brad Armstrong-directed feature with a poster signing for fans at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas, Currently residing in Arizona, Jenna flew to Los Angeles last week to tape her half-hour interview."
Torris: Jesus, porn has a long way to go. Its #1 actress bumped for the fat and talentless has-been Magg-rot Cho
Reverberations of Jenna J?
NEW YORK (AP) -- A unidentified woman surprised ''Today'' show viewers -- and host Katie Couric -- Wednesday morning by opening her shirt and baring her breasts on the air. The flasher struck at about 8:30 a.m. as a camera panned a crowd of tourists and passers-by gathered outside the show's Rockefeller Center studio.
