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Thursday, July 27th, 2000

Mr Marcus Loves His Fans

Mr Marcus writes on his website MrMarcus.com: Everytime I want to respond to some of the messages someone does it for me. They echo what I feel. I can respond to somethings and it comes out with a gang of explicts words. (i like to cusswhat can i say?!) But this race issue seems to be "un-raceable" (ya like that?!). I dont prefer white women, I prefer women. Color has never been a issue with me. Never will. I am aware when prejudice is geared towards me. In this business it is a constant thing. An everyday experience. Hey I'm trying to change that. I deal with it, to change it. The board is a great outlet to express, unfortunately we take the bad with the good, even more so the last couple of months. (not a cuss word yet) I see the support and from that I feel hella strong. On another note...Luke (ford) you remind me of a reporter who when he shows up on the scene he finds the most ignorant comment and uses that for his story. Just thought ya' would agree. Listen buy what you like and avoid what you dont.

Anyone Want To Hear A Middle Aged Jewish Man Talk Dirty?

I was on the Love Bytes program Thursday night hosted by Bob Berkowitz on Eyada.com. The show is archived and you can listen to it for free.

Marc: i've heard 20 minutes so far ... absolutely brilliant. it's rare that any of these online hosts get an antagonistic caller--who can be bothered to go through the trouble to listen and call? berkowitz seems to particularly relish saying the F-word, but he's more entertaining when riled up than cooing alongside young chicks. bob should send chaim flowers.

i've decided that i LIKE berkowitz ... so long as he's dealing with political rhetoric rather than smutty chat. he'd be quite the adept general interest talk host. peace out to cecil for an amusing email.

i'd say the berkowitz show was 99 44/100% PJG-safe. that is, assuming that you're not gonna avoid revealing l-keford.com to her forever ...

Chaim: I have listened to Berkowitz a few times, and not to be too cruel about it, he just isn't all that interesting. Maybe its the subject matter. The idea of some middle aged man, formerly of CNN no less, sitting in a "studio" in New York City, discussing sex with washed up women (his guests) and never washed men (his few listeners) is really creepy. A young (18 - 25) woman might be able to pull it off for a few years, but a middle aged man? Not for more than an hour. Any idea just how many people listen to Berkowitz on the web? My guess is not many.

Marc: i don't think he does that badly. internet radio evangelists will ramble on about how all you need are a few hundred listeners in every city and you've got any old fashioned radio station beat. needless to say, online broadcasting is still in its infancy, as evinced by luke "alexander graham bell" ford's efforts from last night. berkowitz's employer, eyada, is well-bankrolled and even managed to rope in an honest-to-goodness radio legend, dave herman, to run the programming. they haven't been bad at creating bait for bored people--a few new york gossip columnists doing their schtick, howard stern hanger-on chaunce hayden, johnny rotten does a show and they broadcast a bunch of wrestling stuff. what these online stations don't seem to have is the aura that anyone could be bothered to tune in more than once, ever. berkowitz is a well-traveled hack, though--he used to make weekly appearances on the canadian dini petty show (a low-rent oprah kind of thing). chaim, i suspect you see too much of yourself, the lecherous old jew, in berkowitz's persona. but it's impertaive that luke make a good impression so that he can fill bob's shoes on his next vacation.

Marc: after last night's blather-fest, i think i'll hafta take a pass on the live berkowitz show tonight and attend a parsha class instead. but i hope you (or one of chaim's acolytes) can grill bob on how he's reconciled his jewish observance (however casual) with his sex talk career; and, furthermore, discuss his reasoning behind not marrying within the faith the first time around (as he revealed during the amy sohn episode) and why he took a jewess as his second wife. however, in general, i think berkowitz is quite the slick cat and a real charmer--even if he's stranded doing an online chat show. PJG couldn't help but be impressed that you're rolling with a guy like him.

Rumdar writes: Luke.. You have to give us computer hacks better directions for your show. I went to one site and there were two pictures of some woman exposing her tits. Nothing about your show. Then I E mailed some guy who said your show was over. Did you know you are up against survivor? That is a poor time slot. On the Island Luke fire means life. In your time slot no one is listening. We are all watching survivor. How do you intend to deal with this problem? We want Luke, but we also want survivor.

An Important Work On An Important Topic

Jechu Prospect, a reader from Pyongyang, People's Republic of Korea, writes on Amazon.com about my book: "Mr. Ford has crafted one of the most important tomes of his generation in this jeremiad against pornography. In clinical detail, Ford rips the scab off the underword of porn like no other thinker dare do today and reveals the dirt that lies at the heart of this moral stain upon all that is human and decent in the world of decent people who do not ignore natural law unlike those who act in or sell or like porn.

"All in all, one of the most influencial books I have ever read. It got me very very very excited. I especially liked the photograph of Mr. Ford on the cover."

An Invitation To You

Jechu Prospect writes: Dear Brother Luke F-rd!

Yes, you have seen that your book is most appreciated in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, where the translation into Korean is widely read, studied, and struggled over! As you no doubt know, our Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il is one of the world's most respected authority figures on the cinema, and has established Korean cinema as a beacon of light for all the world's peoples to look upon in the darkest night of capitalist oppression.

And as First Reader of the Korean People, it was He who first read your book and urged its study upon the masses of workers with an interest for and an aptitude in cinema! He wishes to establish a Korean Adult Cinema, one that will lead the world in its depiction of the erotic arts, and here is where he truly extends his arm in friendship to you in a gesture that will echo down through the ages of cinematic history. He wants you and Kendra Jade to travel to Pyongyang to give lectures to the cinematographers of Korea on Adult films! You would be handsomely compensated for your work and would be free to leave at any time of your election.

I shall be your contact for now. What would you and Miss Jade require of us to serve the workers of Korea? It shall be done!

Jechu Prospect, Pyongyang

Luke: Is that South or North Korea?

Jechu: There is only one Korea! The southern portion of the PRK was seized by American Imperialists in the War of Imperialist Aggression, in which their southern lackies turned against the wishes of all Korean people. The Free part, ruled by our Dear Leader, is the northern part. Rest assured that history will deal very harshly indeed with the lackey running dogs in Seoul who turned on the Korean People!

More News Of Struggle & Triumph

Jechu writes: Dear Friend Luke F-rd!

Perhaps our last letter did not succede in conveying the warmth and esteem in which you are held by all fans or Korean Workers' cineman! Rest assured that it is only because of the hostility of the imperialists in Washington that this may be so. Perhaps the following will give you a better idea of who we are in advance of your visit to Pyongyang:

First, there is to soon be a singing contest in Korea

The 7th National Singing Contest of Working People will begin in one month to mark the 55th anniversary of the Worker's Party of Korea.

The national contest is to be held in Pyongyang in September with participation of winners in provincial contests, which will last for one month.

Songs to be presented in the contest will represent the requirements of the times and sentiments of the Korean people.

All the participants are required to play at last one of musical instrument in the national contest which will involve preliminary, semi-final and final competition.

Prizes of different kinds will be awarded to contest winners. The multi-farious singing contest has been held since in Juche 75 (1986).

Participating in the contest were workers, peasants, office workers, students, families and housewives. They presented songs lauding the party and the leader, revolutionary songs, wartime songs, and songs on labour and thoughts and sentiments of working people.

The singing contest took place even in the period of the "arduous march" and the forced march. As an esteemed guest, we would be honored by your presence as a judge of the event.

In further artistic news, an epic is to be dedicated to young builders of Pyongyang-Nampho Motorway Rodong Sinmun yesterday carried an epic titled "Fatherland, boast of youth" dedicated to the young builders of Pyongyang-Nampho Motorway. Recalling the brilliant feats performed by youth in the construction of the motorway, the epic wrote that the fatherland and the people will boast of their feats. The fatherland and the people will not forget the immortal exploits of the great leader Kim Jong Il who trained youth to be heroes and heroines and revolutionaries of the times with his warm love and trust in the idea of attaching great importance to youth along with the great army-first idea, the epic said, and continued:

The motorway is not an ordinary road but a long road built by five million youth with trust and obligation, always longing for their leader. The 42.216-km-long road will be covered by the respected Kim Jong Il and youth, linking heart to heart, generation after generation. The five million youth will become heroes and heroines in the building of a powerful nation, following and upholding Kim Jong Il in the same spirit and stamina that they have displayed in building the Pyongyang-Nampho Motorway.

Mr. Ford, we look forward to the day that you are driven along this highway to join with the Korean People in celebrating the role of cinema in National Construction!

Luke: I believe North Korea to be the most repressive evil regime in the world. Communists go to hell.

Jehu: And yet we are most confident that once you have taught us all you know about the manufacture of Adult cinema, you will like living here just fine.

Rumdar: Luke, It looks like you are a big hit in The People's Republic of Korea (North). I would not let this opportunity slip away. May I suggest a book tour of that somewhat isolated country? Just think of all the Asian literary groupies who will be waiting to hear you deliver your anti porn lectures. Beautiful, thin tenderonis because from all accounts the vast majority of North Koreans are starving. Bring plenty of protein bars to pass out to your fans. And call me if you need a road manager.

Pipeline

Rogreviews.com critic Roger Pipe has published his August column Pipeline. Here are excerpts:

Word on the street is that Haven (The Artist Formerly Known as Alyssa Haven.) is days away from finally signing a contract with a major company. That should make her appearances in Xplor's "Cherries 10" her final pro-am work and clear the way for bigger projects.

Hopefully, some of you were on hand to catch the Tera Patrick web cast this month. The topic of this show was rather interesting. With Gene Ross on hand to help (And how did I not get in on THIS?) determine whether or not Tera's awesome rack is real or not. Although the answer to that question is clearly yes, I wouldn't have minded testing them out for myself. I guess we internet journalists have to be happy with an interview. Look for my sit down interview with Tera coming up next month. Believe me, it was interesting and quite revealing.

Another interview to look for next month is the one I did with Jon Dough. Jon has recently joined the Anabolic team, releasing the first video from his new series, "Bring 'Um Young" this month. You can guess what this line is about, but you know that it is high quality smut if Anabolic is behind it. What I want to know is when Jon's woman, Monique DeMoan is going to be in some more Anabolic movies.

The much talked about Jenna Jameson flick "Dreamquest" is about to hit the streets. I had the chance to review what is said to be her final movie for Wicked and was quite impressed. Director Brad Armstrong has done a fine job on this adult epic. A high budget couples film with a huge cast, "Dreamquest" is one of the best examples of an adult feature with mainstream qualities. For those of you less interested in dialog, make up and lavish locations, Jenna does have three and a half scenes in her last (Allegedly) Wicked pic. Sadly, only one of them is a boy/girl and it's not her best work. If this really is her final Wicked movie, then it will go down as an impressive acting performance in a well made movie, not as a volcanic chapter in her sexual career.

Luke: Hear Rog review porn vids every Thurs. 8 PT on the Bob Berkowitz Show, only on Eyda.com.

Director Michael Raven has tired of Rog attacking his wife in reviews.

Rog: Nasty vendetta? Not at all. I just don't find her attractive and she is in EVERY damn movie I see. (Will Felecia's husband be calling you next?)

Luke Talks About Love With Kendra Jade and Nice Jewish Girl.

Kendra Jade writes: I am in chicago, at the admiral theater until sunday.. how as your trip?? how is this wonderful girl you met?where is she?do you still talk to her?are you in love?

Luke: The trip was great. The girl is wonderful. She is in San Francisco. Yes I talk to her. Yes I am in love.

Kendra: awwww lukey....thats great. congrats!!! just remember to treat her nice, lukey. you dont seem to be good at that.you are quite selfish at times.

Cold Tommy writes: Hey there luke, you have lots of fans in the windy city! word that Kendra Jade will be appearing at the admiral theater really brought back some great remembrances! The place is a real neighborhood institution and holds many of my memories, to say nothing of my DNA (I doubt they ever clean the place all THAT effectively). But the area can seem a bit dull after LA and New York. So to help pass the time, here are some things for you to do in the neighborhood on your off hours.

1. Visit a few of the nice Korean merchants a mile or so to the east, towards lake michigan. Have some kimche.

2. take a ride on the Ravenswood L to see what the "end of the line" literally looks like.

3. To see what the "end of the line" looks like as metaphore, check out the Illinois Blood Bank on Lawrence Avenue, where junkies still go to SELL THEIR DISEASED BLOOD for transfusion into the veins of unsuspecting sick squares in need of transfusions. That this practice is still tolerated is astounding, but apparently in Chicago, Illinois, it is.

4. Meet some "Gaylords", some "Latin Kings" and perhaps an OG from the Blackstone Rangers. Learn new handshakes to share with the homies back west!

5. Check out the perfection of the Cartesian grid that defines the street pattern in Chicago. Square streets for square people.

By the way Luke, I never see you write about the windy city or the midwest. Is that just a west coast bias thing or is there really nothing going on here?

Luke: I "write" stuff that I find out about or that people send me, so if midwesterners want to send me material, I'd be happy to post it.

At 2:30AM Thursday, I talked by phone with porn star Kendra Jade and my San Francisco friend Nice Jewish Girl.

Kendra Jade: What are you doing?

Luke: Thinking about you.

KJ: Liar. I've had enough liars tonight. Why are you up so late Lukey?

Luke: I was in bed but I got an idea to write on my website. And I wanted to see if my sweetie had written me, and she had.

NJG: What did she say to you?

Luke: Would I share personal correspondence?

NJG: Yeah, right. But you're really going to go see her, aren't you? When?

Luke: Soon.

KJ: Are you in love?

Luke: Totally.

KJ: Did you say I love you?

Luke: Not specifically.

NJG: Did you do her?

Luke: Ahhh......

KJ: He did.

NJG: Whoah. He actually loves somebody he did. This is major. That's never happened before.

KJ: That's awesome. Lukey, I'm so happy for you. Just be nice to her and treat her good.

Luke: I will.

KJ: Don't be a dick.

Luke: I won't.

KJ: He's like a changed man.

NJG: He's nice. How strange.

Luke: I've been transformed by the power of love.

KJ: Luke, did you hear anything about somebody being shot after the Jerry Springer Show today?

Luke: No.

NJG: Yeah. These people were on the show a while ago. This woman was stalking her ex-husband..and shot his ex-wife...

Luke: I hope nobody ever does that from my site.

KJ: They probably will. You'd love it.

Luke: I won't.

KJ: Yes you would. You'd write about it for months.

Luke: You think I would crave the publicity that would come from...

KJ: Absolutely...

Luke: Innocent people getting hurt because of some controversy I created.

KJ: Absof---inglutely.

Luke: You think I would welcome the publicity and attention and tens of thousands of hits and the dynamic story...if an innocent person suffered?

KJ: Yep. That's what I think. Tell me I am wrong?

Luke: You're wrong.

KJ: Swear it on your love for this new chick.

Luke: I swear it on my love for this new chick. I would not want to profit from somebody getting shot.

NJG: Send us a real picture of what she looks like.

KJ: I want to see the girl who makes Luke's heart go thumpety thump.

NJG: Kendra and I love love.

Luke: So do I.

NJG: We just don't trust men but we love love.

Luke: Men are a handful. I know as a gay man.

KJ: I like men.

Luke: So do I. Mykonos, what an island?

NJG: What happened? All we know is that you were not online for five days.

KJ: He's a changed person.

Luke: I no longer want to write about porn, I only want to write about love. The whole tenor of my site is going to change.

N JG: Cool. I'm all for that.

KJ: I look forward to it.

Luke: No longer am I going to profit off the misery of other people.

NJG: He's using these lines.

KJ: They sound so scripted. They sound like he's reading them from a piece of paper.

Luke: I understand why you guys react this way because there have been so many times in the past that I've been insensitive when you've been in pain. So I don't judge you for reacting so cynically. But I want you to know that there's going to be a new spirit to l-keford.com.

NJG: We're going to give you a chance. We're trying to hold ourselves in from our normal cynicism. We're acting really positive right now, aren't we Kendra? We're actually thinking way more cynicism but we're just holding ourselves back. We're not telling you what we really think. We're not betting behind your back about how long this thing is going to last. We wouldn't do that.

Kendra: I have a feeling NJG that you're going to owe me $50.

NJG: We won't tell you that this thing between you and her has a life of three months. We won't say anything negative like that.

Kendra: Absolutely not. We have faith that it is going to last. Lukey, did you write back to her?

Luke: Not yet, because I wrote her twice today and I did not hear from her until now.

NJG: See, he's a guy. He's holding back.

Luke: I've been pursuing...

Kendra: Don't be too nice. If you're too nice, they think you're a sucker.

Luke: Yeah, chicks get bored with you if you're too nice.

NJG: No. Really nice is good.

Luke: I've been really nice my whole life and chicks have just walked all over me and trifled with my feelings.

NJG: You've never been really nice, Luke. We've read that biography.

Kendra: Where are the nice guys? Can I have one please?

NJG: I thought mine was going to be a nice guy, remember Kendra?

Kendra: Lukey, we've been concerned for your life and asking you questions and you have not even once asked, Kendra, NJG, how is everything going with you? I care about what is going on inside your hearts right now. Are you guys ok?

Luke: Yeah, I'm good, really good.

KJ: You f---er.

Luke: Kendra, NJG, how are you guys doing?

NJG: We're good.

Luke: Good, then let's get back to me then.

KJ: That's the Lukey I know.

NJG: The one where you've got to force him to care? That one?

KJ: Yeah, that one. And Kelly [Jade] says go f--- yourself Luke because you did not even talk to her.

Luke: When did I have the opportunity to?

KJ: You ignore her emails and IMs.

NJG: He ignores everyone's Instant Messages

KJ: And then all you get out of him is a hey. Luke, who's on your [AOL] buddy list?

Luke: Noone.

KJ: Because you don't have any buddies.

Luke: I don't have time or inclination to chat online, particulary when I am overseas and am paying about $30 an hour to connect to the internet.

KJ: Whatever... NJG's my buddy. I just called her for 45 minutes on my cell phone. How much do you think that cost me? That's no excuse Lukey. If someone is your friend...

Luke: Kendra, I chatted with you in Israel.

KJ: Once.

Luke: That was the only time you IM'd me.

KJ: No, it was the only time we were talking about you. He'll write, hi kendra, how are you, and I'll write fine, and then the conversation is done because it is about me. But if we're talking about Lukey and I'm asking Lukey questions, then he's got tons to say.

Luke: Hmmm, Mmmm, more attention for me. When I was walking around Mykonos, I took a tape recorder and started making a tape for PJG. But first I listened to the tape and it was of conversation between the three of us just before I went to Australia. So I did not erase it. I walked around the island of Mykonos listening to Kendra tell me that I am no more screwed up in the head than the average person. I carried you guys in my heart and in my ears and in my tape recorder as I walked, clambered over rocks and stared deeply into the ocean and looked around the incredible scenery.

NJG: The incredible gay scenery. That's why he loved the island so much.

Luke: I want to move to Jerusalem.

KJ: You're not going to move there. You can't afford it. You can't even afford to get to San Francisco. He asked how to get their cheap. Lukey, how pathetic is that?

NJG: Kendra, did you read where Luke said that he spent the time on his vacation emailing me and Lynne and Curious and Chaim. And I was like, I don't know about them. Maybe he's emailing them. I don't know anything about any emails to me...

Luke: I meant I took the time to read the emails from my friends like Chaim and Rumdar and Curious and Putative who wrote to me... You guys didn't email me.

Kendra: Chaim said that they should have Elizabeth Hurley play me in Luke's movie. I think that's great because I think she's really hot though I was thinking more along the lines of Angelina Jolie or Gina Gershon.

NJG: Fine, you take Angelina Jolie and I'll have Courtney Love on drugs play me.

KJ: Kelly says that Julia Roberts has to play her.

NJG: Who gets to play Luke? Russell Crowe?

KJ: Russell Crowe is too hot to play Luke.

KJ: How about Adam Sandler?

NJG: He's hot. He's even hotter than Russell Crowe.

KJ: But he's such a little boy. Who else could play Luke?

Luke: Brad Pitt.

KJ: Look at the picture on his site...

Luke: I look like a mixture of Brad Pitt and Robert Redford.

NJG: Not at all.

KJ: No, no, in real life Lukey has grey hair and needs a hair cut badly and he doesn't dress nicely...

NJG: He is really skanky, people don't want to get near on sets... He doesn't shower.

Luke: I shower, don't I?

KJ: Kelly says Alfred E. Neumann, who founded Mad Magazine.

Luke: How about Robert Redford?

NJG: Yeah, Robert Redford now. Have you seen him? His face has fallen and his big old wart looks bigger than ever.

KJ: Richard Gere.

Luke: When are you guys going to visit Israel?

KJ: When you pay for it.

NJG: Has PJG seen your site? If she's online and she hasn't looked you up, she don't like you.

Luke: I've forgotten to mention to her my site.

KJ: How do you forget? Didn't she ask you what you do?

Luke: I write on entertainment. I'm worried, if she hasn't looked me up online it is not a good sign. It means that she doesn't care.

Kendra: No, not necessarily.

NJG: I don't think you're as much of a stalker chick as I am. I am. And proud of it.

Luke: NJG, I can stay with you when I need to spend the weekend in San Francisco, so I can do it on the cheap?

NJG: What if my boyfriend doesn't like it?

Luke: Then I'll stay in my van and I'll stop by to take showers and use the restroom.

NJG: You'll have to clean it. It is in really bad condition right now.

Luke: I don't care. I'm a guy.

NJG: You don't care. I've seen your house.

Luke: Enough about me, how are you guys?

KJ: Great. It is five o'clock in the morning and I have to go to work in four hours.

Luke: You start stripping at nine?

KJ: No, I have to get up at nine so I am ready by twelve.

Luke: So what is it like at the Admiral Theatre?

KJ: Very strict. A lot of rules.

Luke: You can't turn tricks?

Kendra: I don't do that, Lukey. No, but like you can't do anything really. You can't spread your legs. If you're bending over to pick up a tip, you have to have your legs closed.

Luke: Are you allowed to insert objects into your orifices?

KJ: Absolutely not. You can't touch your breasts or ass or genitals. You can not grind on anything like an 8 x 10. You can't suck on anything. You can't do a schoolgirl routine because you can't sexually stimulate them or yourself.

NJG: That's because Daley is the mayor?

KJ: I don't know. You can't dress as a schoolgirl. It's against the law. They wouldn't let me do Little Red Riding Hood today.

Luke: What are your routines?

Kendra: I have about 30 different shows. I do dominatrix with hot wax, Wonder Woman, Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, an angel, and USA and all kinds of things. A maid.

Luke: NJG, have you seen her show? I haven't.

NJG: No, because she doesn't come to San Francisco.

KJ: I'm going to come over and do a show just for her. NJG are going to do nasty things and stuff because men suck.

NJG: We'll do a routine where we're reading Valerie Sallona on stage. She wrote the Scum Manifesto.

Luke: I've never read it.

NJG: I sent it to him and he printed it on his site. He doesn't remember.

Luke: I try to ignore that sort of lowlife material.

NJG: Yeah, he only prints it.

KJ: NJG, guess who's online now?

NJG: Oh really. Hmmm.

KJ: Lukey, if you only knew about my life right now but I can't tell you. Because you can't keep a secret.

Luke: I can't help it. I'm the queen of dish.

KJ: Wouldn't he just want to come over all the dirty gossip I have?

NJG: He would.

Luke: Are you pursuing more celebrities Kendra?

Kendra: Me? No.

NJG: She doesn't pursue.

Luke: Are more celebrities pursuing you, Kendra?

The girls laugh.

NJG: She's single, just like me.

Luke: Well, I think I'm headed towards a committed monogamous relationship leading towards marriage and children.

NJG: Yeah right. Oh shoot. Kendra, you heard me say something cynical. Wash my mouth out with soap.

KJ: For every cynical thing, I collect a dollar.

Luke: My love will be vindicated by time.

Kendra: But if it is over within three months, you have to pay us each $100. Within one month, $500.

Luke: What is the definition of over?

NJG: It could go on longer than usual because she doesn't live in his city. So Luke, you've already done her, huh?

Luke: I am a gentleman and I don't kiss and tell.

NJG: But your site does.

Luke: I will not traffic and profit off of my personal relationships to provide material for my website.

NJG: Can you believe that he said to her that whenever he sees a nude sunbather, he thinks of her. That's embarrassing.

Luke: So how do you think I should court this girl, aside from on the cheap?

KJ: Are you going to take advice from us, two people who've had no success in their love life?

NJG: Do you know how much restaurants are here? For two people, dinner will run $80.

Luke: What about Taco Bell?

NJG: Eating in SF is incredibly expensive and if you don't pursue her by taking her out to eat, it is not going to be good. The SF way of courting is to go out to dinner. And you have to have reservations. Or have her do it. Everywhere is crowded.

And you better tip better than 10% or she will think it is really low class of you. And take cabs because she won't want to go in your van. Do you know how to flag a taxi?

Luke: What's the status on guns in SF?

NJG: We don't have any gun shops and anyone who owns a gun is looked down upon. If you shoot someone who's robbing you, you're going to go to jail forever and they're going to get off and sue you.

Luke: I would shoot anyone who tried to rob me. So, what else have you guys been doing. It's been a month since we've talked. So long.

NJG laughs. Now he's trying to sound Jewish. He sleeps with a Jewish girl and he's got the Jewish thing by osmosis. He pretends to care more.

DoneDone: that chat with KJ and NJG is good
DoneDone: but dude, you cant really turn the site into love
DoneDone: although that will be hot when she dumps you, than you will reach an alltime high of vengeance upon all in porn!!!

Jewsinkilts (AKA Rumpled Foreskin) writes: Luke, what do you mean your changing the sites focus? Havent you ever heard the first rule of creative writing? WRITE ABOUT WHAT YOU KNOW! OK assuming that you turned LFords into a "love fest", following the golden writers rule, what are you going to do for amterial after the first paragraph? (Dont count on the *princess* for inspiration, she's about as clueless as you are on the subject) Write about what you know, the world needs another lovesick artist hemmoraghing in public like it needs a more tasteless tampon commercial.

Michael writes: Dear Kendra, NJG, and the rest. Got this directly from PJG's sent mail folder, while hacking around.

"Well, the suspense is over. The first time the conversation looked like it was even thinking of heading in a direction which might possibly, point towards anything even remotely Internet related Luke ran like an unmasked clan member at an NAACP rally. Theyre still cleaning up bits of smoldering shoe leather from the street outside. sheesh.Couldnt get too mad though 'cause he's so damn cute. Almost fainted at the airport when I saw him.*sigh* Well he'd better get his cojones together soon, I wanna get laid. PJG Oh, and another thing. this bra strap keeps digging into my shoulder,it's killing me. Im about to draw the line..."

Rodney King In Mr Marcus Video?

Octo Octapus writes on MrMarcus.com: "no, it's not that video... ya i know all you white boys like watchin' my dog rodney get roped on by some ofay mother f---ers, but you'll love this s--- even better, In the next volume of Casting Couch Rodney gon' get down with some white bitches thanks to Mr. Marcus. f--- what ya' think cuz Rodney got pole like Lex Steele from what my baby's mamma tol' me... I hear that Rodney and Mr. Marcus go way back like Stryc-9's hair, if ya'all watch that press confrence where rodney said " can't we all just get along" you'll see Mr. Marc in the back with his hat lookin' all pimp..."

Working Stiff

John writes: Recently I watched Lynne L-patin's video, "Working Stiff," starring Dave Hardman and Cumisha. Luke F-rd also puts in an appearance, being interviewed in front of his computer monitor. The film begins with a vignette entitled "Lost In Detroit," which is a surreal, very good imitation of the Dark Brothers. Hardman, confused and disoriented, finds himself in an all black bar, it's his birthday, and all of the patrons are super friendly to him. They invite him to drink on the house and then two of the women f--- him. Good background music, good camera shots, the sex is fairly hot. The whole, long scene has a weird, funny quality about it. Especially hilarious (and totally unexpected) is a part where the bartender suddenly whips out his schlong, jacks it off, and shoots a load all over the bar. The next sex scene is a soap opera takeoff on man/wife sex with Dave Hardman f---ing a hot girl with a red bush, named Eve. He takes off her latex dress and f---s the s--- out of her. Her enjoyment of his cock is obvious.

Next is a poolside scene which starts out as a girl/girl scene between Cumisha and a younger Asian woman who is a newcomer to porn. They play with and lick each other's hole. Then Dave joins in and the three of them hornily mix it up. Good sex. Finally, there is a very long scene involving Angela D' Angela and Hardman as customs officers (in uniform). Cumisha is passing through their checkpoint and they decide they have to check her cunt. This leads to her getting busted and thrown in a jail cell with the guy who played the bartender in the first scene. There is lots of comedy in this scene, and loads of hot sex, as Dave and Angela begin to f--- and suck Cumisha, and the other stud joins in. In between the scenes are some documentary interview sections. One of them has Luke F-rd talking about porno and Dave Hardman. He sounds intelligent but he looked rumpled, to say the least. Lynne L-patin should be making more porn videos. "Working Stiff" was witty, interesting, and pretty highly erotic, too.

Lynne writes Luke: Dear One: Sometimes I am amazed at the way my body recognizes our love despite the thousands of miles between us.

Apparently many of our little playmates do not understand the relationship between sexuality and procreation. Too much porn, I suppose, and no real women. The ebbs and flows of a healthy woman's reproductive cycle are a mirror of her world and of her receptivity to men, love and procreation. The mourning of an empty womb is a mess, but a dry, barren womb is so sad. Fertility in our species is no different than in any others -- though the stupid are less prone to being affected by their surroundings (or so their profligate fecundity in the face of poverty and lack of opportunity would seem to suggest).

Anyway, I am undergoing a completely normal menstrual period which began yesterday, apparently instigated by your return to the US and the resumption of our correspondence. Every time my body has hopes of bearing children for you, it tries to resume its normal cycle; every time my body fears that can never happen, it returns to a state of stasis.

It occured to me this morning, as I was trying to clean up my menstrual sewer, that maybe the God of Torah is a benevolent God and gave us females a way to say "no" for two weeks out of the month....so that we would only be consigned to submit to marital rape for half our married lives..... Did you ever stop to think that maybe a woman might NOT want sex during her period? And that it is a relief to feel like she can say "no" to it and that God is on her side for once?

Listening to my body tells me that there will never be another man who can take the place in my heart that you have won, and that at the very core of my being there is room only for you.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Lynne writes: Luke, I got the following off your dad's site, and it is the first rational statement I have ever heard for not bothering with premarital sex, and the most accurate and profound description of what is needed to embark upon the most difficult and risky adventure in the carnal world. And you know me well enough to know I would not follow anyone's "advice" on account of any "putative" authority (ESPECIALLY religious authority), but only because I have evaluated it and found it to make perfect sense:

"What principle should guide Christians as regards physical intimacy during courtship? Does the Bible have counsel for this aspect of experience?

The Genesis account offers patterns for most areas of Christian living. There we learn of God's ideal will as revealed to our first parents. Physical intimacy between the sexes came after God had yoked together for life two mature people introduced to each other by Him, and whose lives were in accordance with His will. It was concerning a "man and his wife" that it was said "they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:24, 25.

Physical union is the sacramental sign of a prior union of heart and mind. Unless a couple are one intellectually and spiritually, that is, agreed and in harmony regarding life's ideals, physical union is a travesty and a disappointment. Therefore the period of courtship is not intended as a time for physical thrills or experimentation. It is the time when personalities and temperaments are to become manifest to the parties concerned, that they might know whether permanent merger would be both joyous and profit-able. Physical ecstasies do not endure, and the tie that maintains marriage is only rarely sexual. Therefore courtship time, for the wise, is a venture in understanding, a plumbing of soul, an enquiry as to whether one would be happy living with this other person forever, even though, for example, he or she were of the same sex and sexual joys were no part of the relationship.

The great danger of physical intimacy prior to marriage is the likely intensification of the bonds of infatuation which may then become the wrong reason for marriage."

Lynne: Your parents are only hoping that maybe you have found a good woman who loves you and will wait for you until you are ready to receive love in the proper way...and who will fight for you and defend you...and support you in your work, whatever you decide it will be.... who appreciates your strengths and acknowledges your imperfections, and who loves you and accepts you knowing the truth of you...from whom you need conceal nothing...who maintains her integrity and strength for her own purposes, knowing that you will only be served equally well by it...

And of course, you have. And I have found someone who treasures me as an equal, not as a physical object, but as a partner in work, as emotional support, as a friend, to the best of his abilities. You bask in my love, and I thrive on yours.

Porn teaches us that any two people can screw and enjoy it...and that screwing and love, or to be less vulgar, physical desire and love, are hardly synonymous. Our relationship, yours and mine, as it has evolved over the months in all ways but the physical is proof of the trite ol' pudding.

When I read that quote from your dad, adding the physical component to what we have became so irrelevant...you are the most gorgeous creature I've ever seen, and I do want you in that way, but better to have everything else and no sex, rather than sex and nothing besides. And since we actually do have everything else....not carbon copy ideals, mind you, but respect for each other's dreams and goals....and the willingness to be supportive of the struggle to achieve them....sex becomes so trivial....

Anyway, I sent a package to you late today priority mail with a present and the hard copy text of my corres. with your sister...because you tend NOT to post what you receive hard copy and cannot cut and paste....and it's way late, but I've been talking with my roommate about how achievement in this world reflects achievement within, and learning to love one's self the way a believer's god loves him....having faith that one will find the right path if one is loving of one's self....and it's time to go... Take care, precious darling....everything will be all right someday....not to worry.

Flying Crocodile Controversy

For months, I've been running rumor, gossip, innuendo and some hard facts about Andy Edmond of Flying Crocodile Inc (FCI) which owns SexTracker.com and YNOTnetwork.com. Here's the latest:

Rumor has it that Flying Crocodile's Andy Edmond can't afford to make his payments to Joe Holler for XXXcounter. Edmond bought the counter from from Joe Holler

XXX says: "It would be nice if this information about Moneytree would hit the boards. No webmasters were paid for signups sent to Yishai [a rich Israeli porner who long sponsored Serge Birbrair and has close ties to the ruthless Carl Ruderman - Crescent Publishing crew] from January to May, even though half the traffic went to him, Andy.

"What Moneytree did was send half the traffic to Yishai and half to the other Moneytree sites. If you got a signup on Yishai traffic, they gave you no credit for it. If you got a signup on a Moneytree site, you got credited for two signups. But you could easily have eight signups for Yishai, one for Moneytree and get credit for only two signups.

XXX says this came from f---edcompany.com [LF: I could not find it on the site], from July 18, 8:59PM. "Flying Who? Regarding dotcoms in San Diego. Flying Crocodile is based in Seattle but rumor has it that they are well on their way to acting as the unofficial mascot of f---ed companies."

XXX: "They claim they have offices all around the country. They talk about their new VP Don Fowler for SexTracker. They will have offices in Tampa. That's bulls---. It's Don's house in Tampa."

JT, Andy Edmond's older brother, from Flying Crocodile Inc replies:

Money Tree and Yishai

We've had no complaints from our Money Tree webmasters. Although Yishai sites are advertised on FCI properties, no Yishai sites are advertising in the Money Tree program. Money Tree has experienced excellent growth adding new webmasters and advertisers every week.

Don Fowler

Don Fowler has been appointed VP SexTracker Hosting Sales. He started this week and is working in our Seattle office. His home is in Tampa and our facilities director is researching office space in Tampa at this time.

Payments to Joe Holler

FCI has engaged a Seattle accounting firm to audit our company - as a usual post fiscal year summer process. Some payment schedules and discretionary spending has been reorganized until the audit is complete - this is standard practice during audits, and all vendors are familiar with this as well. FCI certainly can afford to meet all of it's obligations , though audit hurdles require the reorganization of our normal schedule.

Internet porn addiction growing in Ireland

DUBLIN, July 27 (Reuters) - Addiction to Internet pornography is growing in Ireland, a leading counselling agency has warned. Eoin Stephens, vice chairman of the Irish Association for Counselling and Therapy, said more and more people with sex addiction problems were seeking help in Ireland....

Luke F-rd Live

Part one of Luke's Wednesday night show (with Kevin Blatt) Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Chaim: OK, I get it - last minute change in length of show AND starting time. Luke if you were any kind of a jew, you would have your own program on a real radio station by now. there must be dozens and dozens to pick from in LA - do you mean to say you can't get your foot in the door in any one of them? Internet "radio" sucks.

Chaim writes: Remember to go to Radio Shack and get a telephone pickup coil to make your show listenable. It is a little suction device you plop onto the receiver end of your telephone (won't work with cellphones) on the side you grip it. Plug it into the mike jack when talking on the phone, and your listeners will be able to hear both sides of the conversation at normal volume. If you do not have one (they cost about four bucks) PUHLEEEZE run out and get one before the start of your show.

Olivia To Sue Max Hardcore For Rape?

According to a story on GeneRoss.com, it appears that blonde porn star Olivia is going to sue Max Hardcore for rape.

Olivia tells GeneRoss.com: "Max pissed all over me and did all these horrible things. I was barely even conscious. I was so messed up. I was so under the influence. I wasn't aware of what was going on. I clearly told him and it shows in the video that no, I had enough. No more. Stop. It's in the tape. The guy had to hold me up to do the scene. I was nervous and didn't want to do the scene. I had second thoughts on it. He said, let's have a few drinks. It'll relax me. I wound up having too much. He shouldn't have done this to me in that condition. He didn't send me home. I told him before the scene there was limits. I told him I didn't want the peeing but he pissed all over me. I don't know what other girls this has happened to. I can do this on my own but other girls would strengthen my case. I have attorneys who are willing to take this case without money. I know I signed a model release, but I didn't sign a release for all this to happen. This whole thing is disturbing. I wouldn't even want to watch the European version. The master would prove my whole case. I have a copy of it."

Lynne L-patin: Basically there are at least three stories here, as I see it...one being as to whether Paul Little is overstepping his boundaries and raping women who cannot, for whatever reason, give consent; the second is as to whether there will be ongoing police action which will affect the industry; the third being the position Adult Video News/Jeffrey Douglas is taking Lynne
Lynne L-patin: Luke...my role here is to get Russ off his butt and to make up for "creating the problem" by dissolving the Adult Video Association, and to facilitate the two of you working together
Lynne L-patin: OR to encourage you to turn this story over to mainstream media....
Lynne L-patin: I've made my position on Max Hardcore known over and over again....I can rant about how the players show their true colors, but you should be crowing...this sort of thing validates your viewpoint that porn is disgusting and deserves hatred, not just that Paul Little is a rapist, but that Adult Video News, despite its glossy come on, has a black heart....
Lynne L-patin: But quoting this doesn't address the issues....I'm just a menopausal bimbo ranting on an idiot's site (and that's a quote from Curious)
Lynne L-patin: This kind of s--- only validates me leaving when I did
Lynne L-patin: Luke F-rd...the one day for an entire week I get to sleep in late I don't so we can deal with this....so pay attention to me for a whole minute, okay?
Lynne L-patin: Plan on getting ahold of Stephanie Ross or Russ Hampshire today or Monday to follow through on my e-mail to them and on letting me know what transpires...I am thinking by Tuesday
Lynne L-patin: Just because you stayed up late last night playing with your little friends on line after sending me off to bed doesn't mean I have the whole morning to waste on what should be a three minute conversation, Luke....
Luzdedos1: i doub that russ or steph will cooperate with me
Lynne L-patin: Everyone in the world reads your site....they are not cooperating with you, dear, they are cooperating with me. Lynne L-patin: You are MY tool, remember?
Lynne L-patin: Call Stephanie and say you are calling for me...I want you to, and have told them so. Otherwise you and I conspire and it ends here and now for all of them...and you find new work, because making porn will be illegal again.
Lynne L-patin: Keep quoting dear. Obviously that is what Russ and Steve Hirsch want....
Lynne L-patin: But I want them to have the chance to resolve this quietly, in the old fashioned way, first.
Lynne L-patin: Pornographers do not rape women...
Lynne L-patin: Thank you dear...you are being disrespectful....I want to check in with you briefly Monday evening about this...meanwhile, Zane never returned my stills from the movie...I might need some help next week getting them back. Would you be out in the valley to help me do that?
Luzdedos1: maybe, if they will even let me in the building
Lynne L-patin: You will have a new image by next week, dear....you are MINE! You forget...you are allowed to be a bad boy as long as you are willing to acknowledge our relationship....
Lynne L-patin: That's the problem...isn't it? That you would rather be a pariah than acknowledge our friendship. sorry to embarrass you so badly, but you make both of us look foolish, don't you?
Luzdedos1: i'm not into analyzing this right now
Lynne L-patin: I will start calling Zane today and tell them you will be by to pick those stills up unless they are priority mailed to me and I receive them by next week; I will e-mail Stephanie and let her know that I've gotten ahold of you and I don't want to be tarred and feathered by Paul Little's brush....and you trust me and remember that you are the New, Approved Luke F-rd and have been for months now...., okay?

Kevin Blatt Blown On Tape

Kevin Blatt writes: Well Luke I finally did it! My first scene ever caught on tape! I shot Naughtia Childs yesterday in SD, while it wasn't all hardcore I must say she gave me quite a blowjob. People will be able to see it soon on www.teenpornsluts.com. I must say I have met a lot of ex porn stars who are going into the web business, but how often do you meet a webmaster that wants to star in films? Other than me and you? hahahaha

I just want to set what Naughtia said yesterday straight, I do not "obsess over porn stars", I think that is what the major problem is....... I do not play into stupid games and self centered behavior, that's why I am choosing my dates more selectively. Don't get me wrong, I love a lot of these girls in the business, that's why I help them to make $$$ on the web, I don't exploit them, I just make them money the best way "The smart way". You can take big dicks in the ass or you can sit back and make three times the amount of money on the web talking about how you like dicks in the ass- that's the difference. Unfortunately most of these girls are of the mindset that they need to see the "green" first, when residual monthly income is where it is at. These girls work so hard dancing, signing, and f---ing. They are all exhausted, and working non efficiently.

Girls, if you are serious about making money on the web without scumbag video porn producers or Seth W meddling in and scamming you, email me at kb@sundownmedia.com Our reputaion speaks for itself. As far as Houston is concerned, I love her to death, and we are very close friends and business partners, we date but we also date others. So yes, your information was correct sir! See people, Luke does get it right! Sometimes.

Dear Miss Manners, What Should I Bring To A Bukkake Party?

Concerned writes: Concerning Mona's Bukkake Party on Saturday night. What sort of gift is customary for a guest to give to a bukkake party hostess? Wine? Cheese? Visine? I do not want to appear ungrateful for the pleasure of whacking off on this kind woman's face. Please advise.

stefanie@xplormedia.com writes: Luke, Regarding the person who asked what kind of gift is customary for a bukkake hostess, Mona would appreciate everyone to bring a smile, a pleasant attitude and a negative HIV test. However, the webmistress at www.homegrownvideo.com would appreciate a bottle of strawberry Stoli, flowers, and the "Vampiric Angel" Buffy the Vampire Slayer action figure so that she can complete her collection. Thank you! Stefanie Webmistress/Demon Slayer

Fred writes: I received the following e-mail from Miss Manners, which was accidentally misdirected to me:

Gentle Reader: Proper etiquette for a Bukkake party is very important.

First of all, just like there are several sets of silver for a proper dinner party, there should be several sets of towels for a proper Bukkake party. Never use one of the sweat towels for spooge, and never use one of the spooge towels for sweat. That is considered very gauche. When setting a proper table, the spooge towels should be on the left; the sweat towels on the right. Never leave the used towels on the same table as the unused towels. That is considered very rude.

Second, it is bad form to shoot spooge on anyone other than the guest of honor. This is considered so rude that it is still considered just cause for being challenged to a duel.

Third, it is acceptable to bring a small gift, like flowers or wine, but never bring white wine. The proper wine for this occaision is red wine. (Who knows what the white wine would be confused with. Then again, who knows what red wine would be confused with.) A good bottle of Merlot will suffice. Miss Manners believes that Zinfandel is considered out of the question.

Fourth, it is considered bad form to comment about the physique of other people at the party, and never stare if someone is inadvertently violating the rules of etiquette. Always thank your hostess when you are done. Then, step away and make room for the next guest. Never barf on the hostess.

When setting up snacks and the like at a Bukakke party, never serve custard. Also, never serve anything with mayonaise.

We hope these helpful hints will be useful for your next party.

Concerned writes: Dear Miss Manners, Thank you for clearing up my bukkake etiquette question. I am think about bringing our lovely hostess a nice mouth funnel as a gift. I do have a few more uncertainties pending before I can commit to the long drive down to San Diego to help make Mona's dream come true.

1) Is it considered proper to bring a date to a bukkake? I truly feel that a man and a woman should share in each others hobbies.

2) If two men arrive wearing the same full face wrestling mask is the one who arrived last required to remove his mask or may they both still wear matching masks?

3) If (hypothetically) I was a premature ejaculator would I be assigned a preferential spot in line?

4) Would it be considered bad taste to wave a John 3:16 sign in front of the web cam?

5) As a state registered sex offender would my participation in this event be considered a technical violation of the terms of my probation?

ps Luke, If you want to car pool just let me know. ;-)

Fred: L-- I am passing on Curious's questions to Miss Manners. What the hell is a John 3:16 sign?

Luke: If you watch sporting events, there are frequently Christians holding up John 3:16 signs, for the text from the New Testament book of John, the fourth Gospel. "For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten son, so that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish but have everlasting life."

Fred: What can I say--I'm a somewhat workaholic patent lawyer that is completely out of touch with modern American culture. l-keford.com is my sole window on the outside world. (Boy, am I in trouble.)

Miss manners asked that I pass on these etiquette rules for Concerned.

Gentle reader:

Is it proper to take a date to a Bukkake party? That depends upon whether your date is going to be participating. After all, if this were a dinner party, and the hostess prepared a certain amount for everyone to eat, it would be quite impolite to bring a date without so informing the hostess.

In like manner, at a Bukkake party, if everyone brought a date, the hostess would have no way of knowing if there's enough to go around. So Miss Manners frowns on uninvited guests, unless you ask your hostess ahead of time. Miss Manners understands the embarrassment that must arise when two male guests wear the same wrestling mask.

Miss Manners believes that when attending a proper Bukkake party, you should always bring two masks in case this embarrassing situation arises. Further, a proper hostess for a Bukkake party should always have a several wrestling or ski masks out on the table in case of this sort of fashion emergency. I always prefer floral prints for the wrestling masks at my parties.

If you are a premature ejaculator, proper manners require that you ask the other attendees if you can go first. This may also make it easier for the hostess, thereby lightening her work load.

Regarding the John 3:16 sign, that would not be improper, but you should not cite any biblical verses concerning the second coming, as there may be some attendees at the bukkake party that might find that sacreligious, and therefore impolite. Miss Manners regrets that she is not equipped to answer your query concerning registered sex offenders.

Lastly, Miss Manners reminds all her gentle readers: don't drink and drive when attending a bukkake party. If you have any other sticky questions concerning proper etiquette and behavior at a bukakke party, please write to me c/o l-keford.com.

Hugh Jordan writes: Dear Miss Manners, I work in the adult film industry as an XXX actor. I am frequently shocked at the rudeness and insensitivity of my fellow performers' on set behavior. Would you please confirm your position on the proper social conduct during a porn shoot in the following all too common and awkward situations:

1) During double penetrations my fellow male star's sweaty testicles will frequently slap against mine. I find this tacky beyond belief! Should I seek a formal apology when this happens or just let it slide?

2) I am confused as to when it is societally acceptable for a man to spit into a woman's dilated rectum. Should I wait until her anus is fully gaped or just pre-gaped? Also how many clicks on a vaginal speculum is currently considered socially "kosher."

3) On occasion, I have accidentally missed the starlet's face and ejaculated on a male costar's arm or leg. Is a hand written apology with a small gift always required or is a simple shrug and a "Sorry, Dude!" enough?

4) Often my fellow costars will ask to borrow my syringe in order to shoot up their cocks prior to a scene. Would it be considered selfish of me to refuse their request or am I being too sensitive about this whole commingling of blood thing?

5) Many of my bitchy peers are starting to refuse to work with me as they claim that I am "gay" and thereby an unacceptable AIDS risk. Will you please explain to these naive souls that since I only receive oral sex from men and always "top" in my bisexual films that I clearly cannot be considered queer by Porn Valley standards.

6) A rather persistent porn journalist keeps inviting me back to his hovel for an "in depth" interview. The exposure on his internet site could be really good for my career, but I am rather suspect of his true intentions. Am I being paranoid? Should I accept?

Thanking you in advance, "Hugh Jorgan"