Tuesday, July 25th, 2000

Luke Wants To Be A Greek Millionaire

I'm back in Los Angeles. I was delayed for a few days in Greece when I got arrested for possession of cocaine. I was held for a few days in a Greek jail, not a fun place to be for a heterosexual but I had a ball.

Luke Outed On Dyke Board

Amused writes on the lesbian chat board: "Remember when Luke F-rd was posting all those terrible lies about ALL lesbians being "not so hot looking"? Well, just check out his site girls. He is currently vacation on the gay Greek island of Mykonos! Coincidence Miss Ford? What do you think girls? Is Luke a "sister" too? ps Anyone ever been to Mykonos? How "gay friendly" is it?"

Marc Putative writes: luke--welcome back to these sordid shores. perhaps corresponding with you over the past 3 weeks prompted me to exacerbate my own israel trip ambitions. there's a good chance i'll be on my way there august 22nd.

as i wallow in my own latest freelance existential crisis, i must wonder--as an extention of a facetious comment i made last week--how likely are you to want to do a book based on the site? certainly, the themes and patterns and characters that have emerged over the past months demand some kind of immortalization. might as well be you (and/or me) taking on the task. even a big pub house would love it.

shari belafonte (daughter of harry, 45 year old star of b-list stage and screen)is in the latest playboy wearing a big "chai" necklace ...

Luke: Marc and I invited Chaim to appear on my radio show Wednesday night.

Chaim: Marc, there is one problem with this proposal. It has yet to be established that "Chaim Amalek" really exists. The character might well be a figment of Luke F-rd's imagination, in which he gets to say those things that he dares not say under the name "Luke F-rd." (And isn't the real name behind "Luke F-rd" one Lepke Feirsteine?) After all, NO ONE has ever heard his voice, identified as such. NO ONE. I say the odds are at least 50% that you are really writing to Luke right now. But perhaps my gay friend Cecil would be willing to make a grand and flamboyant appearance, if only to discuss how much he worshiped Judy Garland in his younger days.

On another matter, namely getting rich and famous and laid off of Luke, I do not agree with the book idea. How much money is there in that, and what sort of babes do authors of books get to bang, anyway? I say a movie script is the way to go. Since we could just write up Luke's life, very little in the way of creativity would be needed. s---, we can just use what he has saved of his web sites to get most of the dialog and action. And the connection to crowd-pleasing slutty porn stars would be a natural! I propose that the role of Lynne be farmed out to Heather Graham, subject to my personal OK. Kendra Jade would be played by that english chick, the one who dumped that guy who paid some black ho for sex in LA - whatsername, Elizabeth Hurley? The other porn skanks can play themselves. Even that dog from the Taco Bell ads could have a role, albeit a rather tasteless one.

The opening scene is set just outside the Museum of Tolerance in LA. Luke F-rd, dressed in a tallis, tefilim, and high yarmulke, is getting the s--- pounded out of him by one Manfred Albwer of Wrangler Enterprises. We then flash back to his life story, which passes before his eyes. Dead mother, stern Christian Fatter, the works. Imagine the fun at Jewish Singles night. Or the cinema verite effect of filming in Luke's gated community.com

Marc replies: cecil would be a nice touch. a call from fishel, shmuel or any of the other yeshiva bachers who have phoned luke-related talk shows in the past would also be welcome, if you can pry them away from their shiur.

why a book for luke? because, duh, it only takes a couple people to make it happen. anyway, nominating myself will start to seem too tacky after a while, but since j.d. considine has a full-time job, who else? i'm gonna mumble about this for a little while, and figure that one of those connected readers (a la ricki spencer from the national enquirer) comes through with the necessary advance to get luke started real soon.

but, the ideal director for a l-keford.com movie would be amy heckerling. i saw the incredibly flawed "loser" on saturday night--snuck in for a spontaneous double feature after an $11 showing of "chicken run"--she could handle the scope of the material--particularly the NJG and lynne-related subplots--it'd also give her an entree into dealing with adulthood, which she'll need after the lousy reviews for her latest. still on the "fast times at ridgemont high" tip--incidentally, that flick is probably the most seminal mainstream influence on today's porn--i'd suggest that if the cameron crowe flick about being a teenage rock critic does well (and it probably will just because he hasn't made a clunker yet), luke will become prime material that perfectly fits into the journalist-as-outsider story prototype.

furthermore, the role of PJG should be played by melissa gilbert (she'd be into it, too, since she's doing the lewinsky role in the audio version of the joe esterhaus book). and, while i'm at it, can i recommend the article about the fake frankie goes to hollywood band that's in the new issue of spin? the best piece of bizarre show business journalism that i've read in years, quite possibly ever.

Help Me Get PJG On Da Casting Couch

Fuke Lord writes on MrMarcus.com: "Yo, I needs da help of da Marcus posse on dis one. Check it, I met dis fly lil ho while I was chillin' wit my Jewish singles crew in da Holy Land. We kicked it fo a day and den she split back to da USA. Well, whut's a brutha to do? I immediately went to a gay Greek island to figga outta plan. Well, she be movin' ta Oakland soon and I don't know whut ta do? Can my hommies at da Mr. Marcus board give a brutha sum advice? Please."

T writes on MrMarcus.com: "chasey lain and janine calling byron long master. damn that would be nice him f---en both those bitches at the same time and calling him master and saying I love your black cock up my ass."

Pashen writes (presumably to Mr Marcus): "I find myself wanting you but your all talk... Can you handle it Daddy. You f--- those professional little pussy's. Can they hold you down Daddy? Can you eat pussy for real or is that just for tape? Can you taste me Daddy? I cum like warm lotion is your flow as good Do you here me talking cat Daddy?"

Mr Marcus writes on his site "What about the mainstream bitches? Enough about this career s---. These girls are cool whether they are f---ing a white dick or a black dick. Hey they are f---ing which is more than I can say for the mainstream bitches. Now they would be more interesting. I can see it now...Heather Graham roller blading right on over to the dick. Or how about my favorite Tyra Banks taking it doggie style. Now these are careers that would get f---ed up. By doing the nasty. Come on let's talk about what could happen and not what has happened. Interracial is what you make of it. Believe that. By the way how's everyone doing? good. Keep f---in' whether that person is black or white. f---'em and f---'em good. LOL...."

Joe Elkind's Big Party

CENcash.com webmaster Joe Elkin threw a huge party in Woodland Hills last week. Attendees included Farrah, Houston, Olivia, Sky, Naughtia Childs, Mark Zane, Johnathan Silverstein from Cybererotica.com, Rick James (funk singer), Alec Metro, Susan Yannetti, Keri Windsor and her hubby Mark Webb, and some photographers including the guy from Metro.

A crowd in the corner witnessed some great foot fetish and foot worship. Keri was sucking Farrah's feet. It was like a scene out of Boogie Nights 2000. Farrah stuck about half her foot down Keri's mouth.

There were masseuses and girls giving pedicures and manicures.

I hear that net porner Kevin Blatt is no longer dating Houston. Rumor has it that the couple is just good friends and in business together. Kevin delved into porn and enjoyed the fruits of his labor but now he wants to move on to other girls. Rumors say it's been taxing for him to date a big porn star like Houston. Maybe this has something to do with Houston's new relationship with mainstream movie producer Michael Bay. Perhaps she'll be on his arm at the Academy Awards?

"KB's a freak. The way he obsesses over porn stars," says porn star Naughtia Childs.

KB's brother D$ is dating J$ (Jennifer Rosenblatt), AVN's sales manager. They appear deeply in love. They're the new power couple of the adult industry.

Millionaire Shag Contest

Jeff writes: hey luke, went to the who wants to shag a millionaire contest saturday in san fran. at least i can say ive been to a porn shoot...what happened to the 1800+ guys that were supposed to attend? only 40 guys were actually there and the same ones were used over and over. maybe if more attractive girls or actual porn chicks were used there would have been a bigger turnout like the gang bang shoots in l.a. in fact there were cuter girls doing press for the event than the ones participating. it got dead real fast, and the owners cut it short at 9pm instead of midnight as advertised. but the 50 i spent to go is more worth it than to be a participant cause at least i left with my dignity intact.

What's Up With Sky?

CC writes: luke! what is the deal with the vivid contract (or not contract) girl SKY! There are all kinds of rumors flying around about what she plans to do next. One minute she's a contract girl, the next minute she's in discussions for her own line from Sin City and Shane's World. Luke help us out man!

Vivid Ripped Off

xflfan2000@wrestlingfanz.com writes: I recently bought a vivid video on eBay, which turned out to be a very poor homemade copy. I would like to report the seller for copyright violation, and assist with any sort of prosecution that Vivid see's fit. I've sent an e-mail to an address I found at vividvideo.com and gotten no response. I have no clue who I should call or let know about this other than it's someone at Vivid. (probably legal) I do have the seller's name, address, and phone number. The reason I'm sending this to you is I'd like you to post this and my e-mail address on your site, and hopefully it will get the attention of someone at Vivid and they will contact me. Thanks.

Porners Are People Too

Dudley Moore writes: Luke, I am here to educate you, just as you educate and chastise pornographers. Just what is it that you have against pornographers, anyway, Luke? Do you think that Johns are evil too? The women of the sex industry don't! In fact, they are entirely accepting of both! Perhaps they know something that you don't, my friend. Maybe these guys are just people too. And perhaps the most highly visible evils that we do see, Luke, like little girls on a stage, are only a small sign of far greater invisible evils and human suffering that we do not, and will never know about.

Luke, I really like the image of your site as a fish tank, with you feeding the greedy little fishies as you post your page each day. Perhaps someone (with more artistic ability than myself) would send in a l-keford.com cartoon showing Luke emptying his shredded fish food(pornographers?, dykes?) into our daily fish bowl.

Kendra Jade Update

Gary writes: Hey Luke, enough travelogues. Let's get back to porn! Your "love" Kendra Jade was on the Howard Stern E Channel show the other night. He was offering her butt which she was flashing along with her tits, to anyone who could answer 3 simple questions in the style of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire".

They brought back High Pitch Eric as the first contestant. His first question was: "What is 10% of 200?". He incorrectly guessed 30 and was eliminated. He admitted he had no idea of how to calculate the answer. (Where do they find these people?)

If Luke had been the next contestant, it would have been his chance to shine. The question was: "Is Australia a country or a city?" This idiot guessed a city and was bounced. (Too bad you weren't there Luke.)

The last contestant was a female and she wanted to use a strap-on with Kendra. Her first question was: "Who was the President during the Civil War?" She was correct with Lincoln. I don't remember the next question, but the winning question was how to spell influenza, which she did correctly and the two of them went off to a hotel room for the afternoon.

At separate followup interviews to conclude the show, both agreed they had a great time. Luke, maybe you'll get another chance with Kendra if she hasn't fallen in love with the strap-on.

Chaim: Virtually everything that you hear on the Howard Stern show is scripted, including all the stupid answers the "contestants" on his show give to simple questions.

Luke Gets Mail

Aaron writes: What can you tell me about Ed Powers? How much does he pay the women in his films?

Luke: From $500-$2500.

Pierre writes: Hey Luke Like your site man, at the very least i find it entertaining albeit being a bit of an information freak myself i am wondering about some of the claims re popular pornstars doing the wildthing with wetnoses. You said it has been confirmed Kerri Downs and Kalina Lynx have done beasty... So is that actually on film... and are we talking commercial Euro stuff along the lines of what Chessie Moore did in Holland or are we talking American made underground beasty films like Mona & Lisa. Whatever I would be interested to hear more about how it has been confirmed Kerri and Kelly have done beasty. Also what about the rumours of Nici Sterling and Christy ...... I understand the source of rumour re Christy was a photo but what about Nici.

Luke: XXX and Nici Sterling are unconfirmed. With Nici, it is just wild rumors that she completely denies. With Christi, there are pictures of a woman who looks like her with a doggie. Lake says it is not her. Kerri Downs and Kalina Lynx did professional Euro vids. Read on here.

stefanie@xplormedia.com writes: Hello! Just a reminder that Mona's Bukkake will be this Saturday, July 29th at 5 pm. It will be broadcast live on www.homegrownvideo.com. Mona is very excited about making her fantasy come true! Anyone planning to participate should contact me for directions to the shoot.

Tom writes: Luke, great site. I have heard that the consumer electronics show in Vegas every year is breaking with the "Adult" part is this true? If so where will they be holding the Adult part??

Luke: AVN.com has taken it over and will probably run it better.

Stephen: Unfortunately I live in Europe so I canīt visit all the porn conventions and shows otherwise I would! I have a question about celeste. In the section where you describe her biography and career you also say you met her when she was pregnant and had G-cup breasts. Did you take a picture of her that time or do you know where I can get an image of her when she was 8 months pregnant? Preferably not totally nude, but with tight clothes on because I think with clothes is way much sexier.

Lou Scorbick writes: I've been checking your site periodically and would like to offer the following random thoughts on recent events:

1) Congrats on finding love! It is clear that true happiness can exist only outside of the cesspool of porn, and you are beginnning to fulfill the path as you hoped it would turn out -- that porn would be a stepping stone on your journey towards independent success. So far it has been, and so to will you gladly leave it behind. More power to you, my friend.

2) Chaim is a total dweeb. Not to mention no one outside of New York knows who the hell Amy Sohn is (in fact very few people in New York do). His self-loathing would be mildy amusing if he truly explored it, rather then the detached irony he brings, but of course he never will. Unlike you Luke, who deal unflinchingly with your own truth warts and all, Chaim hides behind detachment, much like the porn stars he admires/hates. Thus it makes sense he'd be drawn to a larger dysfunctional community that shares his own inability to find genuine connection with himself.

3) Question: Based on a moderately successful career, what can a normal porn star (female) expect to earn in a given year? [Luke: $30-70,000]

4) Homosexuality -- A couple of theories on your site attempt to explain the genetic development of homosexuality. One theory not yet mentioned being is that in primitive tribes the male monkey/apes/neanderthals would often have to go on extended journies, either to find food or to engage in war. They would need to leave men behind with the tribe for protection, but who they were also confident wouldn't pose a sexual threat to their females. Thus the effeminate gay males would remain behind with the tribe to protect the females without fear of procreation. Hey, it's one theory, but does it explain Richard Simmons?

5) Bukkakke is a fad.

6) Tera Patrick is a goddess. I bow down to her beauty.

5) I need to get laid.

Michael writes: Luke, just wanted to let you know that I enjoy your site. Your writing is unusually intelligent. I live in Puerto Rico, and was somewhat curious as to whether you have been here before or heard much about this beautiful island. I have lived in several states in the US and I have to say that Puerto Rican woman are unquestionably the most beautiful I have seen anywhere. I have been here for three years, and I still marvel about it every day. Additionally, these ladies are extremely gracious and kind, in my experience. By no means am I knocking ladies from the good old USA,as they are great ,also. However, I just find the ladies on our island to be quite unique. If you have never visited, I would recommend it.

Luke: I was there for two weeks, after graduating 8th grade. You're right. Lots of latin beauties. Love 'em!

Sicko writes: Luke... Buddy. With all the talk about how to not-offend the new princess... have you thought about the possibility she's already seen more dicks than a West Hollywood park bathroom? I mean, we all want to believe that when we find "the one", theyre coming to us pure as the driven snow, but you could be spending a lot of time Not-f---ing Miss Gang Bang 1984. s---, for all you know she may even have done print work at some point. (jesus, I dont know why I always get stuck pointing out the obvious...)

I didnt read far enough to see if you'd f---ed her or not, but if she knows what she's doing, and I dont mean in the civilian "every times a romance" kind of way, more than likely it's not because shes a fast learner, or your a great teacher. Sorry. And that brings up another angle you should consider. I mean, your making some huge assumptions here. What if you discover that your not nearly as "warped" as you think you are. You could find out that your sexual proclivities are mundane, (not likely but possible) and you are the "normal one", or at the least just one of the "sickos":-) Could you handle an honest relationship if the door mat said Mr. & Mrs Twisted? Might not be as easy as you would think.

Chaim: This is good! You are starting to act like a mensch in the context of this woman! A bit defensive towards and about her - a good sign!

I did not think you would post any stuff of hers, but was really thinking of the stuff other people are writing to you. Until you get a better feel for what she can and will tolerate, better to keep certain stuff off the site, especially the running commentary on her by total strangers (like me!).

On the other hand, at l-keford.com content is king, and she provides you with some content. Had you kept her hidden, you could have just invented a pretend girlfriend, or made a pretend girlfriend out of some other person, and kept the interest going that way. Learn from Stern! The guy seems to always be talking about his personal life, but if you listen very carefully, you can discern areas that are strictly off limits and never discussed.

If this woman is as smart as you think she is, perhaps she knows just what sort of a man you are and likes you for exactly those attributes.

Jew Stuff to discuss with her:

The role of jews in creating secular culture, and the effect secular culture has on jews.

The peace process in the mideast - good for the jews?

Are children an expense, or a deep form of investment?

Whither the internet?

Where might you go with it?

Should you turn your life story into a movie, as some putative scriptwriters have suggested?

Is immigration a good idea?

What is the proper role of women in the jewish religion? (this one is a bit risky)

Watch the Simpons with her.

Sorry, but sounds like the Holocaust is of interest to her. Maybe you could discuss that new book by Norman Finkelstein, but this too is very risky.

Will you invite all your readers to your wedding? Now do not laugh - if you make clear that a twenty dollar donation is necessary to cop an invite, you might make a fortune off of the rights to your wedding. God knows what you would earn if you broadcast your wedding night over the internet.

Pears, Dykes, and a little Karma

Dudley Moore writes: Patrick Riley fluently talks cantaloupes and pears in describing females on your site for July 19. Unfortunately, as I've stated previously, the older I get, the more unwanted attention I draw from apple- and pear-shaped women. What is Riley's analysis of horniness in apple- and pear-shaped middle-aged women? Does he find that one type is likely to be hornier or more aggressive than the other? I personally find both types equally disturbing and unappealing. Also, I'd like Riley's comments on the family of fruits and their various connotations for sex. Does he have a system?

Also, Luke, I've decided to write a daily column on l-keford.com (from now on, as long as your site survives) on femme-femme bi-lesbianism, since it's so central to the sex industry as we know it today. I believe it's a priority to educate pornographers and male consumers about lesbians since, after all, they're what we all have in common here, and the reason we all lust for porn in the first place. Any thoughts from your readers?

Finally, some on your site have recently criticized you for being light on news and hard journalism. Not me, Luke, I love it when your site is all garbage! After all, that's what we're all really here for, isn't it? The magic l-keford.com formula is a touch of mania, a shot of adrenaline, a fix of porn, and a little suspense bordering on paranoia, did I get that right? It's called f--- YOU journalism, or KISS MY ASS if you prefer, and Luke invented it!

Here's what Luke's critics don't know: Like everything else in life, l-keford.COM IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT. That's right folks, YOU! Don't bitch about Luke sitting on his ass, folks, send in those questionable pics and videos, indulge in diatribes, play mind games, whatever. When Luke writes about his personal life, what he's really saying is WHERE'S THE STUFF, GUYS?

When he posts outrageous s---, his metamessage is SEE, I'LL POST ANYTHING GUYS, JUST SEND IT IN! When he posts pics sucking his own dick at his computer, he's saying WHY ARE YOU PORN FOLKS SO f---ING INHIBITED, ANYTHING GOES, JUST SEND ME YOUR s---! Get it, guys? Now get off your lazy asses and get with the program!

Note: Luke, I believe the assignment or mapping of different fruits to women's sexual anatomy is deeply primate, and harkens back to our long forgotten past, when we searched for food in the jungle.

Discounting Women's Needs

Lynne writes Curious: The lesson for the term is that women's needs are often discounted....how could a woman possibly have anything important to do other than service the needs of men? Instead of getting extra nurturing as we go off to war....we are punished for not being available!

My free time is just that. To expect me to contribute forty hours a week of my discretionary, recreational time to l-keford.com without financial compensation is equivalent to refusing to count women's domestic labor in the international GNP statistics. Luke spends as much money on protein bars in a week as I do for my entire dietary needs for a month. That, after a year of writing continually for l-keford.com, he would rather bid me farewell and lose my popular commentary than compensate me financially even at student work study levels places an actual value on my work at zero. Any bitch can write this well and scrub toilets simultaneously according to the l-keford.com Style Manual. But Luke, honey, as a Jew, trust me -- I know when I'm getting the rough anal pentration end of the deal. Perhaps only tall, blonde, Christian women deserve to be compensated for their time. Kapeesh? (Yiddish for the Italian....)

Curious, you are not alone in living vicariously through my sexual adventures. Apparently half the world is currently living vicariously through my sexuality, and I am not referring specifically to one gender or another. I don't mind sharing at all, because it is a good healthy sexuality and somewhat enlightening as regards fun and feelings for those who didn't have the benefits of parental role modeling at home.... BUT....

The difference between healthy regularly exercized sexuality and the mythical Freudian "nymphomania" or "sexual addiction" is that I will not compromise the rest of my life for my pussy. It is one thing to engage in an orgy of sex and drugs during term break....it would be another to prioritize my craving for warmth and affection when I need mind and body concentrating on real life issues.

Luke, for example, is "sorry" that I do not have the time to contribute to the site because of the demands of my life. This is Narcisissm in action -- he is less concerned with my success in getting my needs met, or of being supportive and making sure I get what I need to do so, than he is disappointed that I cannot be there for him. Because this is so close to the "standard" male reaction, it is hard to see the pathology in it. (Or is it that, because it IS the "standard" male reaction, we fail to notice the pathology inherent in traditional male behavior?)