Home

Back to Essays



Friday, June 30th, 2000

Private Ripoff

Zac writes on RAME: "Following receiving an e mail with an offer at $ 24.95 which I accepted. I now find that they are charging me $ 105 .21. From a large public company I would not expect this kind of sharp practice. Everytime I try to e mail them to get this straightened out I get error messages.Their product is good but their method of doing business is very questionable. They have no phone numbers or mail address where you can actually speak to someone to get things sorted out, just e mail that does not work."

Luke: "Private has long been known by insiders as a highly unethical and ruthless company. This credit card scam above sounds like what Vivid was doing a year ago."

WarmProp: here's some Private contact info for the Private Ripoff guy: http://www.prvt.com/mail.html

Is Mr Marcus Jewish?

I believe that the most authentic voice of the porn fan today (not supressed by the Jewish Media) can be found on MrMarcus.com. You just can't keep a good black man down.

Fight White Racism! Surf over to MrMarcus.com and do battle with the KKK!

I only post the appalling racism I find on MrMarcus.com to galvanize good people into fighting evil.

Aghast (Prager1fan@hotmail.com) writes on MrMarcus.com: "I read on geneross.com that Mr. Marcus is traveling to Israel this week for a three week tour of the Holy Land? Is he on a Jewish pilgramage or will he be shooting a gonzo with all that fine Jewish pussy? Da casting couch is on da move! Hang on to your yarmuckles!"

JJones@hotmail.com writes on MrMarcus.com: "I can't wait for next weeks VSDA convention in Vegas, should be huge and packed with starlets. My plan is to try and discourage as many white gals from doing interracial as possible. I did this at the CES in January and had some success stories, I turned some gals who said maybe doing interracial to a no, and some yes's to maybe not's. Made sure to badmouth Marcus as much as possible, which was not hard to do, just point out the obvious truths like the way be beats ups gals in Rough Sex with others, and lies on his site like making out with Jenna and Chasey which they both deny, and getting a bj from tj heart which she said is a lie, his fake thug/gangster image with that stupid hat is so weak and classless. Also, I will make sure all remember what crap Julia Ann is going through and to ask them if they want to go through that as well. It is not a hard sell, just make them see the obvious negative to come their way. It is a fun challenge to me, not as hard as you think."

TrueAmerican writes on MrMarcus.com: "You really have the time to push your views on starlets..trying to get them to not do interracial scenes..instead of talking to them and possibly getting laid later in the evening?? You are a Big Sorry Ass Loser!!!!!"

Respect The Black Female & Ethical Monotheism

ACuriousBrutha writes on MrMarcus.com: "The white man will not respect the black man because we do not even show the proper respect due to our own strong, proud black females! Mr Marcus and company it saddens me as self-respecting member of the African American community to hear you refer to our beautiful black sisters as "bitches" and "hos." Mr Marcus you are a role model to so many young brothers will you please think twice before you degrade our race with such insulting epithets? If I want to read hateful, racist bulls--- I would go to l-keford.com! Come on Black America! Let's knock dis s--- off!"

Which Porners Are Stoners?

Stoner writes: "I guess We all know that Devon and Raylene are big time sexy Stoners now. Who else are stoners? Mr. Marcus can you answer. Do you smoke/sell weed. What female pornstars have you toked with?"

A post purporting to come from Mr Marcus reads: "Hey Yo stoner. I cheif weed all the time. I've been known to be f---ing my ghetto ho's and smoke a bligity at the same time. I make my bitch's especially the white ho's roll my blunts. Stupid hos. Luke F-rd you better not put this on your site you piece of s---."

Nowiggerz writes on MrMarcus.com about ruined white chicks: "YO!! Moolies..that's italian for jungle bunny- I been readin ya'll boys' posts on Cool Hand Luke's site... everybody knows a bona fide white man don't give a s--- what happens to moolie-lovin white sluts...they are ruined...who cares..enjoy these wigger sluts...we keep the ladies for ourselves, boyz.... Yours in superiority, Nowiggerz P.S. -maybe those punk white boys in your neck of the woods don't mind ruined chicks...but a Southern Man knows better..."

Luke: "What's a moolie?"

Brian: "This is slang for black person...Moolan is an Eggplant and calling a black person a moolie is like calling them EGGPLANT HEAD..."

Luke: "Well, that's not very nice. And not the type of language that we like to use on l-keford.com."

Luke: "The following email on MrMarcus.com purportedly comes from Mr Marcus the MAN HIMSELF, but I think it is a fake. It reads: "Hey Mr. Marcus here if theres any little black boys that are reading this email me I want to f--- you?"

Curious: "How bold is that? Mr Marcus posting he wanted black boys to f---? I'll never criticize your masturbation diary again. What program will you be on? Court TV?"

Luke: Shortly before sundown, I surfed over to MrMarcus.com for one last hit before turning off my computer. I went right to the post titled "All racists read." Tnh there wrote: "Heather Hunter!!!!- that is all I have to say."

Mike writes on MrMarcus.com: "Mr. Marcus I have friend who has a websight. If he gets unwanted displays on his message boards he deletes them. It is easy to do. Also the idea of color message from the owner is good. So why don't you get your act together and just do it or is it your intentions to start the rumors."

Does Samantha Strong Have A Black Boyfriend?

Bowel Movement writes on MrMarcus.com: "Can anyone tell me if it's true that she has a black boyfriend?....Come on! Don't just ignore me everybody! When some one posts some stupid ass racist s---, everyone responds.But if someone asks a normal guestion, nobody bothers with you.I bet if I had asked in an dumb ass way like: Is it true that that beautiful white goddess S.Strong has a goddamned n____r boyfriend? There would have been all kinds of people responding to it."

Luke Is Exploiting Me!

Lynne writes: "LUKE IS EXPLOITING ME!" If I hadn't known it already, I would have learned from reading l-keford.com that most women do not like sex. Especially Jewish women, but mostly all women, and also they women do not like contact with ejaculate or the men who make it.

One of the reasons women give for this revulsion is having had repeated experiences of being exploited by men.

Our dear friends Curious and NJG insist I must feel exploited by porn, or men, or sex, singly or in combination, and I cannot possibly enjoy sex except as a deeply disordered personality reaction to sex, men or porn. That I suffer from the effects of childhood abuse or Trans-gender dysphoria.

Over the years I have found that the very best way to avoid feeling exploited is to make my own decisions about what I do. This is very risky. It forces me to consider that I might make a mistake, for which I must take responsibility. It is also extremely unfeminine, in that "feminine" has come to mean "sit back passively and wait."

Trouble, whether you go out and look for it, guy style, or whether you let it come to you, girlie-style, is equally unwelcome. Females often cry "Exploitation!" because it absolves us from guilt and our own share of responsibility for stupid mistakes. I would rather admit that liking to suck cock often gets me into trouble, than blame men for having enticing erections which I cannot resist because I was abused as a child.

I have been in the unusual position of having had my sex life under a microscope for the past year courtesy of my relationship with Luke F-rd. It never occurred to me that MY sex life would be of interest to Luke, just my professional life, but eventually the personal, professional and political collided, as they often do in porn. (I still GLOAT when I reminisce over my intentions to EXPLOIT Luke F-rd, since I have succeeded beyond my wildest expectations: some people actually believe that LUKE IS EXPLOITING ME!)

If my own actions over the past two weeks hadn't been so destructive, I would have saved this current misadventure for Luke's Yom Kippur celebratory column. Yom Kippur, however, is a long ways off, and would like to learn from my mistake now, so that I don't repeat it over the summer. I want to share it with others sooner rather than later as well, in hopes that they, too, will consider making (and learning from their own) mistakes rather than blaming others for their problems.

In the past twelve months, since the death of my husband on July eleventh, I have sex with three different men, and lusted after two others.

All three of those with whom I had sex initiated that contact, and I did not have sex with those I coveted. Of all five, one is still my friend. I was exploited once, betrayed once, had successful casual sex once (with a guy who decided NOT to get married) but I also made a mistake and did untold damage once, and nothing was worth it.

In baseball parlance, in five at bats, I struck out twice, walked twice and got thrown out of the game. In baseball parlance this is called "batting zero," and it is not conducive to further employment in the field, left, right or center.

Some of you may feel that I do not understand when a man is initiating sexual contact and when he is just making friendly conversation, so just to ensure we are speaking about the same thing, meet Bachelor Number One, Bachelor Number Two and Bachelor Number Three:

"Bachelor Number One, how would you introduce yourself to Lynne?" "I would walk up to her at an XRCO awards show, stare at her tits and say, "I'm Dave Hardman."

Same question, Number Two:" "I would e-mail her and suggest coming over to her house at the first opportunity because she's a slut and will let me f--- her just to get my name on l-keford.com."

And Bachelor Number Three, same question: how would you introduce yourself to Lynne?" "I deserve a blow job for this."

Dave Hardman never exploited me sexually. He sought me out twice, came by my place three times a week to exploit my husband, and Dave and I had fun on the side. We did all sorts of stuff together, month after month, and one day he doesn't return my calls and the first thing I think of is that he is lying in a ditch somewhere, physical or metaphorical, not that he's decided to end the relationship without telling you.

That is not exploitation. I still believe that between me and David there was some real caring and even some love, but he just overreacted in a careless and cruel fashion, and it took months for me to pick up the pieces. First strike.

Bachelor Number Two e-mailed me. He came over to see me at the first possible opportunity to have sex with me but NOT because he was horny and not getting any (he purports to being a professional porner). He knowingly involves me in an unsavory medical situation and then tells me there is no further reason to speak. Did he exploit me? Not for sex - having sex with me obviously had nothing to do with me but it did make l-keford.com in an unflattering way. Considering that Luke would print my grocery list if I e-mailed it to him, why anyone would want to go to the trouble of having sex with me to get on l-keford.com is a mystery. (Why one would think one could use Luke's friend as a pawn is a mystery as well, because Luke, being discreet, attempted to conceal the name of this individual so as not to cause him further embarrassment.) Strike Two.

Bachelor Number Three, a.k.a. DLR, the musician a.k.a. roofer from Portland, brought up sex out of context and continued to suggest it until I said, "Why not?" and went out and bought my own condoms. Even though I didn't have the guy's last name or phone number, I made sure my brother did, and since I'm not stalking him, why do I need his phone number? He had been planning to get married and changed his mind, but we've had no contact since that week. Anyone exploited? I don't think so. Pretty mutual casual sex, I think, verging on mutual masturbation. Mostly all I thought of was how easy it was for this man to have sex with me when Luke cannot, and how sad I was for Luke.

But when I bring up sex out of context, the roof falls in. I made a stupid mistake, which statistically speaking shouldn't have gotten made, and it turns out to be serious, because of the disastrous consequences. I can only hope to salvage as much from the situation as possible. Why don't we have sex with children? Why are chronological age and civil law piss poor determinants of when a person is ready to have sex? How do we develop ethical guidelines for a sexual "age of consent?"

Dear Chaim: I do not mean to be dodging your Ygg question, but I have read only one Ygg-cerpt and have had decades of MTV exposure but none lately. In fact, I have not watched television since moving to Oregon. So I cannot judge fairly submit an opinion on either. One hallmark of pseudoscience is experts attempting to evaluate knowledge outside their fields.

By the way, Mensans appear to be less welcoming than Jews. I visited the local website and formed an opinion. When next I have a moment between school and Luke, I will check with the psychology department at school and see what tests they have available. If I'm going to spend time testing, I might as well learn the whole ugly truth.

Lou, it is true that Luke may not be remotely as talented or funny as Howard Stern, but you must admit he is endlessly prettier. It just doesn't show up very well on radio.

Women ARE being prosecuted these days for having sex with underaged males, especially when alcohol is involved. Think Mary Kay Letourneau. Think twice!

I am happy to read your thoughtful comments on what is a very tough issue, especially if one is a teenager wondering why it is illegal to have sex with another teenager, or a lawmaker wondering about the legal implications and definitions of kiddie porn in a hebephilic society.

"Wondering about 17 versus 18 or 19, or even 16 is one thing." Yes, indeed. "...but (wondering about) girls who look eleven or twelve, or are dressed in school girl uniforms (is) just plain sick" and another thing altogether.

Pedophilia does not require and in fact is defined by the absence of the semblance of adulthood, physical, mental, or emotional. Pedophiliac pornography insists upon the child's status as a child to make its point, that point being the imposition of an adult's will on a weaker, helpless exploitable victim.

Lou, your experience and views are more consistent than you know -- people who are prepared to have sex are not asking for protection from it by the law, but those who are not need the support of the law to make sure "no" mean "no."

ZHR29: what is the point in erica boyer coming back...yes she was hot 15 years ago...but the older woman thing just doesnt work unless it is within a feature style movie where she could play the older woman. those movies are a thing of the past...gonzo style and videos where you meet the girls are interesting...i like the ditzy young girls talking to the camera before they shag. seeing ericka boyer roll her old bones out just isnt cool. older woman are fun to f---, not to watch f---...

Olde Lynne feels redeemed: I am so sorry that I have ever subjected anyone to watching me f---. I sure would rather have fun f---ing in private than have to f--- on video but I take my f---ing when I can get it and you all unfortunately are forced to watch. At least my partners had fun...

Luke, please explain to Curious that the white boxes over the models' labia are graphic devices called "frames" left open for the insertion of Luke's portrait/TV show logo... We want to remind people that the important part of l-keford.com is l-keford's ethics and mores and views on racism and religion, not, uh, pussy.

Jim: "No, that's disgusting. I would never shoot copraphilia or bestiality. I don't even like pissing and I've been asked a lot of times to do it. I wouldn't mind shooting a couple of identical twins having sex with each other."

Lynne: Bestiality is disgusting, but incest is okay? And are those identical twins male or female? Because I'm trying to explain to the Rottweiler down the street why we can never have sex, and he's always asking me why bukkake is okay but endless and eager cunnilingus with a human female is prohibited.

Is This What Menopause Is Like?

Curious writes: Simmer down Lynne. During Wednesday's radio show I asked if you felt "exploited" when a twenty-something Rabbi ( older and an authority figure ) got you to blow him in a synagogue when you were only sixteen since I perceive that as an abuse. I hold an adult to a higher moral standard than that. You do not. To your credit you clearly stated on the radio show that you do not intend to pursue a sexual ( yes, oral sex is sex ) relationship with your sixteen year old math whiz and for that I applaud you. It just raises my ire whenever an adult of either sex makes any sort of sexual insinuation toward a child or adolescent. I really feel that in our society we adults do a hell of a job f---ing up young people's minds already without interfering with their sexuality too. That was the root of my angry response to your letter. The truth is Lynne I do respect what you have been through in the past year. I have never been through the death of a spouse so I can only imagine the pain. Compound that with the whole Hardman episode ( BTW will you stop praising his cock it only feeds that sleazy bastard's ego ), your move to Portland and a return to school to study veterinary medicine has to have been tough. I see you as a brave porn survivor. You had the guts to leave porn and reinvent yourself when so many in this industry linger on until they completely flame out. I say, bravo! My humble suggestion is if you don't want the entire l-keford.com community to know about something in your personal life DON'T TELL Luke F-rd! He published his own masturbation diary for God's sake. Now go hit the hot tub with the bikers and relax!

Bottom Line Sales

XXX writes: Word is that Bottom Line Sales is WAY in the hole to almost all of its suppliers, several companies are owed in the thousands of dollars. They appear to be headed for the courts. If you haven't cut off their credit already now would be a good time to do so.

Webmasters - CPAs Without The Charisma

After a dramatic departure from SexTracker two months ago, Shawn Boday has returned. At one point, it looked like he would sue SexTracker owner Andy Edmond but since then emotions have cooled and business resumed.

I expected numerous departures from SexTracker in the wake of the attempted coup in mid June but they've not developed.

SexTracker released this statement:

Sextracker Tracks Founder

"Seattle, WA, June 30, 2000 - Flying Crocodile Incorporated™ (FCI), the parent company of SexTracker™, announced today that former Webmaster, Shawn Boday, is rejoining the company as Senior Webmaster. The news comes as a siren to those who thought Bode had been ousted, revealing Flying Crocodile as a peace-making body that seeks to uphold its strong position in the Webmaster community. Boday, founding partner, with partial ownership in the company, sorted out former disagreements with Founder and CEO, Andrew Edmond. According to Edmond, he and Boday have unified their visions for the company and Boday will resume his post with Flying Crocodile immediately. Edmond says, "My feelings about Shawn are as they have been in the past. Our friendship is based on respect and loyalty." Bode garners the same commitments, "I didn't want to be separated from my friends at FCI any longer. Andy and I have patched things up." The FCI community welcomes Boday back to its home in Seattle."

XXX tells Luke: "It probably has something to do with stock options. I don't think he was allowed to cash in on his stock without being an employee there. I thought it was really funny when Andy insisted that Boday was not an officer and was not a founder of the company. Now you read the press release and it says that Boday was a founder.

"Boday will have creative control and autonomy to fix problems at SexTracker. Customer service, etc."

On April 28, I had this interview about Boday with Edmond:

"We invented SexTracker and XXX Counter and Sex List as kids. I was younger than 25 as well as everyone else... We decided to salt ourselves with a lot of heavy experience on how to make sure that our customers and vendors and employees had all the success that they needed. Shawn had a problem with that. He liked a more entrepreneurial [slimmer] company and he really loved SexTracker and our relationship... He didn't want to let go.

"And I wanted to give him a chance to catch up with us being a big company. And frankly he wasn't happy. And as soon as that started affecting his work, I sat him down and said. 'Shawn, I think you need to start your own company.' And he concurred with that. He said, 'Yeah, that is exactly what I need to do.'

"Are there differences of opinion on the way that it was handled? Yes. Are there differences of opinion remaining between me an him? Yes. But overall Shawn and I are good friends. We enjoy each other's company and we respect each other immensely. And I wish him the best... And he can count on our full 100% support.

"Shawn did not write any code for SexTracker. Not one line. He was not a company officer. You can look that up with the Secretary of the State of Washington to verify that."

Luke: "He was not Director of Business Development?"

Andy: "He was not. He was and always was Advertising & Sales. He's been replaced by Eric Rogers."

Luke: "He was not a cofounder of Flying Crocodile?"

Andy: "He was not. Flying Crocodile was founded a year-and-a-half before Shawn Boday's employment. SexTracker was written a full year before Bode began work at Flying Crocodile. That's all documented... If you ask anybody who's been around the business, well, they really don't care... That is the truth..."

Luke: "So you are the sole founder of Flying Crocodile?"

Andy: "That is correct. I do have a partner in business. His name is Ralph Perkins."

Luke: "Are you trying to screw Shawn Boday out of stock options?"

Andy: "No, not at all. We all agreed when we were granted stock in the company... I gave stock away to Ross and Shawn... That when we ended our employment at Flying Crocodile, we would return our stock to Flying Crocodile. I believe in every employee at Flying Crocodile, from me to the janitor, owns stock in Flying Crocodile. Shawn was included in the package. But when you leave, you have to return your stock to the company so that we can give it away to another employee who's working for the benefit of the company. If I died or left the company for any reason, I would have to return my stock too."

Luke: "What difference will this make to the industry that Shawn Boday is no longer with you guys?"

Andy: "I don't think it makes any difference... We have the same great product. We have a staff of 100 that do a great job, as good as Shawn ever did.. Shawn was in a position that was a key strategic relationship with a lot of our advertisers... We've told our advertisers about what happened and they are still positive about doing business with us. Shawn doesn't suffer anything. When he forms his new company, he can use the great contacts he formed while working for this company."

Luke: On June 23rd, ex-YNOT marketing director Kevin Blatt attended a YNOT cocktail party and made up with YNOT president Greg Geeland and YNOT Bob, his former best friend from Guava Beach.

Blatt debuts Bigsexbabes.com and teenpornsluts.com July 1st for Sundownmedia.com (owned by Blatt, Jeff Miller of K&B Content and an Australian financier). Miller's been around a long time. His company was the first in Californai to sue for internet copyright violation.

YNOTmasters.com remains the premier adult webmaster resource portal while Netpond.com hosts the liveliest chat board.

JMT writes: Luke - Screenfulls of randomly-generated pixels would be less boring than all this stuff about how Larry from overpricedpicturesofsluts.com doesn't like Herbie from creditcardfraudposingasporno.com, who got ripped off by Leon from thankgodthesedopesdon'tknowaboutthelimitlessfreenekkidpixonusenet.com, etc., etc., ad nauseum.

I detect tension between Netpond and Ron Levi at Cybererotica, who tried at one time to buy Netpond. Netpond owner Nick rebuffed him. Part-owners in Netpond Kaiser and MeatMan left Netpond a few months ago to work for Ron at webmasterradio.com. I understand that Kaiser and MeatMan feel that Nick ripped them off.

Ron fired Sharky of Sharkylive.com a few months ago for stealing from him.

XXX: "Ron's had a lot of people rip him off. Even his partner in the counter days Joe Holler of Websidestory. Ron could've run away with the counter business. And there's bad blood with Ron Levi and his first webmaster Mike Hoffmeyer of Entertek which owns Megahardcore.com. Hoffmeyer supposedly left early, violated some agreements, took a customer list..."

Luke: "Sounds like Sharky?"

XXX: "Frighteningly similar. And it's the same deal. You get these guys. You buy them homes. You relocate them to Southern California. And you give them a little power and juice and all of a sudden they take advantage of you and try to f--- you. Ron's had that happen a few times. You can only have a good heart so long before you get jaded by a lot of people.

"Ron was a millionaire from audio text [phone sex]. He understands credit card processing better than anybody.

"Levi's more accessible than Edmond, or Rich Botto (RB) or Joe Elkind or the other leaders in this industry.

"Ron owns Netsurprise.com, a webmaster resource site. Supposedly Joe Elkind has kicked in some money. They've probably aligned their customer and webmaster resources. That's why these guy start up these webmaster portals.

"Snoops just became the director of marketing for Karas Adult Playground and Maximum Cash owned by RB. She owned Topniche, a large webmaster portal site. She's looking to sell it. Everybody's looking to sell now that they've seen that YNOT got five million dollars from Andy Edmond.

"Andy was smart. By buying a webmaster portal, you can align yourself with a lot of webmasters who can use your program. It puts you out on a platform to educate webmasters and lead them.

"Luke, I know that you've f---ed with some powerful people from Larry Flynt to Steve Hirsch to Paul Fishbein, but not only are webmasters a lot smarter than video people, they make a lot more money. You never want to get on Ron Levi's or Joe Elkind's bad side. You're going to get the real story from these guys. They're going to tell you the truth."

Al4A.com partied in Los Angeles this week with leaders of net porn. Al got picked up from the airport in a stretch limo and attended several important meetings and drink fests.

Dollars To Shekels

Chaim Amalek writes: All the Internet s--- really is as boring as people say. (Think about it, has anyone not in teh business ever written to you to say how fascinating the topic is?) But given the biz you are in, I do not think you can afford to ignore it all for the sake of the civilians. And long term, there likely is lots more money in that (if there is not already) than there is in dirty videos.

Luke: "You are damn right...but these people in net porn, however boring, have lots of money and I could need their sponsorship or patronage or whatever one day... It is just fellating the right people who I might need one day, general readers be damned. I publish a lot of stuff for no other reason than to fellate someone I might need something from. What would Judaism say about this?"

Chaim: PS Stripping in Israel. I investigated the topic whilst in Tel Aviv once, and noted the paucity of suitable Gentlemens Clubs there. I asked the proprietor of one club why that was so, and he answered that when an Israeli man wants to step out, he generally prefers spending his money on a hooker than on some stripper. Especially the black hatted Satmar types. Please confirm whilst in Tel Aviv. (And if you find any strip clubs, decent or not, while in Jerusalem, you will become a legend for your investigative powers.)

Shag To Be A Millionaire

Webmaster@fetishbucks.com writes: Dear Luke, I just wanted to thank you for making my mornings so much more interesting now that your page is the First that I read in the AM. I have been in the web Business for only a couple of years and I love to watch the In Fighting you right about with all of the "Big Companies" and "Egos" in the net end....If any of them spent 1/2 the time they spend fighting on work imagine how HUGE this industry really would be... I'm just a little guy putting on the BIGGEST LIVE event in the HISTORY of the WWW and I am doing it without any of the infighting and back stabbing....Alot of thoses big guys "people" have contacted me to "help me" run this event. But by reading your articles I think they would just end up stealing my ideas or event itself..Now not everyone is like that..

MARC GILBERT at STREAMRAY INC. and www.camgirlslive.com is as honest as the day is long and he is involved as well as Bernie Dunning of FetishBucks.com. Bernie is probably the HOTTEST up and coming Webmaster on the NET. He is trafficing 30-40k unique a day by himself and he has all the biggies trying to hire him! Anywho just a quick update about oue event. "Who Wants to SHAG to be a MILLIONAIRE" is being picked up by almost every major news company in the country as well as german TV. The media is comparing the event to 'Survivor' and 'Big Brother' as a Voyeur show...I have several tv and radio interviews set up for the up comming weeks as well as myself and all 5 girls will be on Howard Stern on July 20th. I would like to extend a personal invitation to you as well as a VIP pass.... Sponsorships are getting fewer by the day and Ad rates go up on the 5th of JULY due to the HUGE mainstream media exposure. Interested parties can call 1-888-981-7399 or e-mail shaglive@camgirlslive.com

Who Wants To Fleece A Porn Fan?

Curious cynically writes: Isn't the porn world sick of these stupid gang bang scams yet? Everybody knows the numbers on these "events" are as grossly inflated as Luke's erection measurement. They are absolute fantasy! Since the much hyped Houston 620 (probably 62) there have been a string of gang bang failures: the Sabrina Johnson New Years gang bang fraud, the Candy Apples gang bang police debacle, and the Delicious Milano Million Man ethnic gang bang flop. So now it's the "Who Wants To Shag a Millionaire" hoopla. This smells like total bulls---!

First of all, they want to charge the bangers $125 each to "participate." To my knowledge paying for a sexual act is still a crime in the city of San Francisco. Next, ever seen a gang bang video? The scraggly participants look like thery're more excited about the free food and t-shirt than anything else! The only way these losers could come up with $125 is if they sold a kidney. Also San Francisco was one of the major urban areas hit hardest by the AIDS epidemic so I find it impossible that the city fathers would sanction this virus fest to take place there. If it does occur I guarantee that the ACT UP circus and all the AIDS awareness groups will be in full effect on that day. Next the promoters can't actually think that web viewers will stupidly pay 99 cents a minute to watch this sperm-a-thon when we all know an edited video tape will probably be available for rent for $4 in a month. Finally, in the unlikely event that this gang bang actually does take place, I would advise the five extremely unwise pin cushions of the gang bang to verify the existence of the million AMERICAN dollars. Remember Annabella Chong claims she never got her $5,000 for her 100 man gang bang so I can only imagine what trying to get a million from a promoter would be like. This is a joke!

ps Luke, did I ever tell you that I had sex with one woman 30 times in one night? Well, using gang bang math each stroke is equal to a distinct and separate sex act so ...

( Luke, In the unlikely event you choose to cover this fiasco you are welcome to stay at my place. I'm an hour and 20 minutes away from SF. Just leave your gun at home. )

Stephanie Swift

Mystic writes: In response to Evilstein, If you read what I wrote you IDIOT!!!! I said I went to the same high school as her boyfriend MORON. Pay ATTENTION!!! That's how I know everything. Secondly, I am not a HYPROCRITE. I don't watch pornos,never been to a strip club to waste my money on a bunch of whores, to get teased and I have never purchased a dirty magazine. I like to read Luke's site, because Luke is funny, and reading about all the losers and perverts is quite funny and ENTERTAINING! I get a morning laugh! I have never paid for anything sex related and never will. If I ever chose to jack off while watching a porn star Stephanie Swift would not be on my list. It would be someone who looks way better and has bigger lips.

Evilstein: So how do you know what Stephanie Swift looks like if you don't watch porno Mystic? Do you hang out with her and her boyfriend? Or is it part of some mystic power or something? If you would have read what I wrote I said we MAY have another stroke off hypocrite.(you probably are,whatever). If you don't involve yourself in porn at all what do you even care what these "whores" do,or the people who are turned on by them do? Is this some kind of religious thing with you? If it is isn't reading Luke's site and getting enjoyment out of it sinful? Or are you one of those guys who doesn't get any action from hot babes like Stephanie Swift so you condemn people who do out of spite?

K-Man writes: Tell Mystic to f--- off and lay off of Stephanie, oh yeah, and the phrase " GET A LIFE " comes to mind as well. Now what ever happened to Stephanie helping my publicity campaign... hrm hahaha

Women With Cats

Listening to Dennis Prager this morning, I heard DP read a letter from a psychiatrist who said that women with two or more cats are unlikely to get married. Because these women, like Nice Jewish Girl, have transferred their desire to nurture children to cats.

DP notes that most women who work for animal rights are single women with no children, like many porn stars such as Dyanna Lauren and Julia Ann.

Debbie Friedman

Listen to the Jewish musician all the porners are raving about.

Vivid girl Janine writes about Debbie's latest CD "It's You": "I have listened to this several times to get a full experience and I do enjoy it although it is overproduced/overorchestrated. The best analogy I can draw is the difference between Tracy Chapman and Cher - one is just more real than the other. This music, as orchestrated, is not very personal - it is a production."

Vivid owner Steve Hirsch writes on Jewishmusic.com: "The songs are pure Debbie, insightful, spiritual and upliftingly wonderful works. Why she felt the need to turn these creations into terribly overproduced songs is a mystery."

AVN publisher Paul Fishbein: "Debbie Friedman can't make a bad or even dull album. This latest effort is terrific, with a one significant reservation - - the orchestration. Touted in the sales materials as a wonderful new facet of her music, I find the suped up background orchestration distracting and feel it takes away from the essential spirtual nature of several songs, most notably Hallelu. I heard her perfom Hallelu in concert several months ago and couldn't wait to hear that track. Very, very disappointing - - the driving bass beat all but disappeared! An otherwise endearing and personal album (Its You), we are fortunate Debbie has so much to share."

Digital Playground contract girl Tera Patrick writes: "Having known Debbie and her work in the Twin Cities, I try to purchase EVERYTHING she does. This album is the most superb effort so far--tho somewhat different than the usual liturgical music. I found this music to be so profoundly spiritual, gentle, and comforting. It is the type of music that just uplifts my spirit every time I hear it."

Lexus Locklear writes: "Debbie Friedman's strength and gift as a songwriter is her ability to interpret liturgical texts in a way that makes them alive and relevant. The first time I heard her version of the 23rd Psalm, I had a sense that this was the way it was meant to be sung, and that she had uncovered the secret to this Psalm. However, this CD, similar to her most recent Carnegie Hall concert, is over-orchestrated and lacking a strong Jewish element. One easily gets the sense that it was put together to appeal to the largest possible audience, a shrewd marketing ploy, but a disappointment to those of us who prefer to think of Debbie as a Jewish Educator."

Curious: "Fully Erect!!!!"

Luke Readies For Holy Land, Relapses Into CFS

Tuesday night I fell ill. I thought I was having a relapse of my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) aka IWW Syndrome (I Won't Work), but now it appears it is just a bad cold. And maybe I am turning around.

I was feeling depressed and sick until I surfed over to MrMarcus.com this afternoon and found that refreshing bit of white racism, and I started feeling myself in no time.

I drove to the LAX airport Friday morning and deposited my black backpack filled with white T-shirts and socks, boxer shorts of various colors, a pair of blue jeans, heaps of protein bars, a nice pair of black shoes with the friendly El Al counter staff. I was congratulated by the tour coordinator for bringing the least amount of stuff. The Jewish chicks who'd checked in before me brought huge suitcases.

Even though I have achieved great fame and fortune with l-keford.com, I remain the same humble scribe with few possessions that I've always been.

The El Al guy gave me a thorough going over. Did I speak Hebrew? (No, but I can read it badly.) Do I have friends or family in Israel? (No, but two female acquaintances I met through the Maariv article and a Jewish Pen Pal service from 1992).

Lynne writes Luke: You will NEVER have a relapse of CFS. You don't think I can promise that, but I can.

You are about to embark upon a grand adventure. The preparations have been intense. The expectations are enormous. Your work schedule for the last week has been heavy, and you've done a lot of work with all the sound installations.

I believe you are tired and in need of a vacation and probably have something viral or allergy oriented on top of it, if at all. So with rest and sleep and lots of water and some benadryl and clear sinuses you should be in good shape for some delightful JET LAG!

Chaim: Have you ever made a um, movie in which you played a leading role?

Luke: Yes, it was shot on Hi-8 videotape in 1995 and called Apricot Sky. It never sold. I had the lead male role. And during the shooting of it, I got to move out of my car and move into the apartment of the producer. In exchange, all I had to do was clean the bathrooms and massage his nude body every day. I must post pics and audio excerpts from the film, you fans will love it.

Chaim: Luke, "Please do NOT publish this" means just that.

Luke: You are part of the Jewish Media Conspiracy, trying to withold information from Christian America.

Chaim: The TRUTH is that I am a crypto-Christian, a morrano for Christ who pretends to be jewish so that he can continue to work his way up the ladder at jewish controlled Time-Warner, as Yggdrasil and I worked out years ago. And I have risen far higher than you can possibly know. I will beat the jews at their own game, and this is NOT a joke! I also do internet recruiting for *************. We have our eye on you Luke. By blood, you are one of us. (Following our agreed upon rule, you know better than to publish this.)

Lynne writes: I will spend the weekend gardening, doing algebra, finishing that work for you for Sunday night and putting together a nice letter so that you have plenty of love waiting for you in Israel.

Bruce died July 11 last year, and I'm sure he would not mind if you plan to say a Kaddish or two for him. Especially not after that lovely compliment on my writing.

I will hold you close in my heart until I know you are safe. NJG says that knowing you are loved can only help ready you to give love, so please accept all the love I can give you for now, and there will always be more.

Have a wonderful time, Luke. I know how much it means for you to go on this sort of adventure, and I am so proud of you for taking this chance.

Chaim: You fly nonstop from LA to Israel, right? How many hours in the air is that? [14] When do you arrive in Israel - 6pm Sunday? Be sure to hook up with those Israeli chicks and bang them if they are worth it. Adds some local color for your reports. Only if that does not work should you spend (likely waste) any time trying to make time with any of the women traveling with you.

Luke's Radio Setup

WarmProp: better show this week. something wrong with your setup? you have to mix the caller and yourself in and out all the time?
Luzdedos1: i hold the mic near the phone speaker
WarmProp: you gotta be f---ing kidding me :)
Luzdedos1: nope
WarmProp: LOL
Luzdedos1: $50 phone
WarmProp: now that's lo-fi
WarmProp: awesome. now that's some guerilla radio for ya
Luzdedos1: still working out some bugs, ahum

Chaim Amalek writes: You gotta be s---ting me! Go to radio shlock and tell them your problem. what you need to do is get a telephone pick-up coil (these cost about three bucks, if that) and stick it onto the handset at the receiver end. This will simultaneously pick up both the telephone receiver and the mike at a more or less tolerably even level, since regular phones let you hear what you are saying as you talk (cellphones largely do not). Not sure how to hook up in parallel with the mike you are using when you are not on the phone, but I am sure that they can sell you a connector to do this. Oy! See, if you were on radio, someone else would do this for you.

In re Lynne's comment that Mensans are not welcoming, remember that these people tend to be, on average, not all that well socialized. Especially the gate-keeper types. You will have to be aggressive in finding your place amongst them, but will be rewarded for your aggression. (That they would not let me in really stings.) Let's just say that if you join (and don't fail to make the grade like Chaim Amalek) and it becomes known just who you are and what you have done in life, there will be GREAT demand for you at parties of, um, various sorts, and to give talks at their conventions. You will become the star you always wished you were. All in a Luke-free environment.

If none of this works, consider attending Star Trek or Comic Book conventions.