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Wednesday, June 7th, 2000

White Male Porn Stars - Oxymoron

Zyrol writes on RAME: Since the only use for a male porn star is to provide (hopefully) a big dick, and good performance, why would anyone even want to see a pale, small or averaged dicked, pimply assed white guy f---ing beautiful girls? What is the point? I remember thinking 20 yrs ago that blacks would take over the industry - not sure why it took so long, but they're here now, and rightfully so.

Husband of Lolo Ferrari Held For Questioning

From today's Times of London:

THE husband of Lolo Ferrari, a porn starlet who claimed to have the biggest breasts in Europe, was detained by police yesterday for questioning on possible charges of failing to prevent her death. Mlle Ferrari, 37, whose massively implanted breasts had made her a "trash TV" celebrity, died in her sleep on March 6 from an overdose of tranquillisers and other drugs, according to an initial post-mortem examination in April. An investigating judge has continued to pursue the possibility that Eric Vigne, 52, her husband and manager, bore some responsibility for the death of a woman who has been widely depicted as a victim of commercial greed.

God's Plan For Women

In the name of Allah the Merciful - Asalom Alekim!

Your friend Lynne says more than she knows: "Why is it that women have to fight these issues? I think men wanted the fruit of the sexual revolution but didn't want to do the work, on the frontlines and under the covers. Meanwhile, they want to take away porn to protect women? Why would you guys stand for that? Religion is engaged in an endless war with sexuality, but there are ways to make the spiritual compatible with the sexual."

The Quran teaches that men are base, and women must be protected from them. It is a fact that men rape, men abuse, men make porn on the backs of oppressed women. To end pornography and to end prostitution and rape is to end the oppression of women. When you in the West see that this is so and end pornography, rape, and prostitution, you will be the happier for it. Obey Sharia, and you will live happier, healthier lives.

Ishmael ibn Abu of Mecca, Medina, and al-Quds

MrMarcus.com Rapist Board

Jonna: I noticed somethign alarming on the mr marcus chatboard theres a poll going on of which porn star youd wanna rape and its turning into a rapist messageboard

Kool Cory writes on MrMarcus.com: theres so many of these bitches that I personally would wanna stick put Id have to list em as so: 1.Lexus Locklear 2.Jenna 3.Raylene 4.britney Spears < not a porn star but a slut > 5.Devon 6. Jill kelly 7. Dee 8. Jeanna fine this is my top bitches..lo they better hope i dont bump into em alone.!.....lol who would y'all wanna rape list em, on here lets get a poll going to see whos the porn bitch in most demand

Klassyguy: Alisha Klass needs it in the ass from me! Yo if i had my way Id hold that trashy bitch down and show her what shes been missing whether she wanted it ornot!

JennaJames: I think this outpouring has shown that men desire to overpower and rape its natural it happens in all animal species..... lol Id do jenna for sure

Cory: I agree with that rape stuff dude and Ima llabout Jenna Id love to take turns on that bitch with me and my boys!

Traci Lords

Marc Putative writes: traci lords was all over the canadian media today, after holding a press conference to promote her role in the vancouver-produced sci-fi show "first wave". why would a reporter even show up to such an event? (even to deconstruct it, as all tv writers purport to be doing these days.) aren't they complicit in supporting the entire amoral matrix that brought traci to prominence in the first place? the publicist plies all in attendance with a handout that reads "please be advised that all questions posed to traci ELIZABETH lords, who plays jordan radcliffe, the new regular on 'first wave,' should concern her role on 'first wave' and/or any past or future mainstream film and television projects." we're supposed to be empathetic with traci, and the fact that's she's "over it" and now in "control". (incidentally, the latter was the name of her single when she got into rave music five years ago.) honestly, if there's any matter I'D want to hear her opinion on it's the proliferation of mags like barely legal, finally legal, purely eighteen, etc. doesn't she want to speak out on that stuff? (luke--there should be some traci coverage at http://www.canoe.ca/jam)

Jenteal Goes Mainstream

Brad responds to article on geneross.com."Jenteal Goes Gently Into Mainstream" As I was reading the article I was anticipating some sort of acting role that actually gave Jenteal a shot at proving herself as a real actress. Sure enough I come to the section that says she and this girl play strippers. woahhh! What a break. I'm glad it makes you happy to do this but don't you see Jenteal. They don't respect you worth s---. Mainstream film people do not respect anyone in porn. s---, isn't Ron Jeremy enough of an example. He said it himself. He ussualy gets hired as a gag. Women get even less respect. Everytime I see a porn girl in mainstream she either plays a hooker, stripper, or pornstar. Ya, Ok, thanks for the break Hollywood.

Evilstein: Why do you and other people have to be so damn negative about porn people getting some "mainstream" film work Brad?I hear this same crap all the time.Do you speak for all "mainstream film people"?I see actresses all the time in softcore skin flicks.Do they worry about being "respected"?Maybe Jenteal and other performers who happen to get their start in porn just appreciate and enjoy the work and don't really give a damn who respects them.Not everyone can be a Meryl Streep or Robert DeNiro,and have their kind of career you know. Why all the negativity Brad?Can't you just be pleased for her and leave it at that?

Sexual Colonialism

UNITED NATIONS, June 7 (Reuters) - Women activists on Wednesday blamed the Vatican and some Islamic nations for stalling U.N. negotiations on women's rights while abortion foes said the West foisted ``sexual colonialism'' on the rest of the world. At issue is the idea of sexual rights, which supporters say simply means women have a right to determine their own sexual life. However, opponents say it would sanction abortion, prostitution, homosexuality and encourage pornography.

Lynne: At issue is the idea of sexual rights, which supporters say simply means women have a right to determine their own sexual life. However, opponents say it would sanction abortion, prostitution, homosexuality and encourage pornography. What about men? Don't men have sexual rights and the right to determine their own sexual lives, too? Why is it that women have to fight these issues? I think men wanted the fruit of the sexual revolution but didn't want to do the work, on the frontlines and under the covers. Meanwhile, they want to take away porn to protect women? Why would you guys stand for that? Religion is engaged in an endless war with sexuality, but there are ways to make the spiritual compatible with the sexual.

Photos

  1. Image:0006071
    Mike South, Angela Summers and Coral Sands at the Cybernet Expo

  2. Image:0006072
    Angela Summers

  3. Image:0006073
    Angela, Julie Rage and Coral Sands (photos by MikeSouth.com)

  4. Image:0006074
    Julie Rage and Teri Weigel

  5. Image:0006075
    Cybernet Expo asians

  6. Image:0006076
    Marilyn and Tia for Mad Jack

  7. Image:0006077
    Marilyn and Tia

  8. Image:0006078
    Marilyn and Tia

  9. Image:0006079
    M&T

  10. Image:00060710
    M&T (photos by Mad Jack)

  11. Image:00060711
    JL from Mondo

Mike Blatt and the Traci Lords Controversy

Luke invites comment from Mike Blatt and others on the following, particularly as I have not talked to everybody involved.

Lynne writes:

I left Parliament News in 1979 for Boston to attend the University of Massachusetts, College of Public & Community Service. I had the crazy notion that I could provide more service to those afflicted with various sexual variances through an education and degree than I could as production coordinator for a pornographic publishing house. Silly me. Plus I had an ongoing pen pal relationship with the Boston music scene, L.A. having degenerated into "big hair bands" and punk bands who had been "big hair bands" the previous year but who had since discovered hard drugs.

After scandalizing the town for four years with my propensity to wear as little clothing as possible whenever the weather allowed, and keeping my booty in porn through exotic dancing and anti-PC posters for the school Rock & Roll Club, I made a big mistake. The next five years were the antithesis of erotic and will be gently set aside for now. They deserve their own book. I returned to Parliament News in January, 1988.

There are some people in this industry I respect, and one of those people told me this story. For the sake of narrative, we will call my friend Deepthroa -- no, I think Chip Stevens will suffice. Every morning we would have a cup of coffee together and avoid work as long as possible before Paul Wisner came in.

I'd returned to a porn mag business in trouble. We were at the beginning of the long pricing slide that had occurred when Ruben Sturman decided to cash out of porn, with or without informing his partners.

I'd missed the video revolution and, between Chip and my late husband, Bruce, I took history lessons. Adult films first penetrated the mainstream marketplace when they made up the majority of available titles for the new VCR's. The films (and they were films) were sufficiently profitable to have budgets, production value, and plots. There was plenty of money in both new video technology and the old cash cow dirty bookstores.

Then Traci Lords made the news. The adult film industry, which had grown into the adult video industry, had been caught with its pants down literally. Even though no one was held at fault for the deception, the porn industry prepared to be scrutinized with a magnifying glass by the government and its dancing partner, the religious right.

Reuben [Sturman] knew it was time to get out. Suddenly, hundreds and then thousands of masters were dumped cheap for cash to Israeli Jews. The market was flooded with cheap, poorly duplicated vintage movies, many in new packages to simulate contemporary release. Instead of distributing through the existing bookstore system, or even the new network of mom & pop video stores, these new players solicited new markets. Adult video was quickly perceived as a high profit item in every liquor store which could get away with selling it. Legitimate manufacturers had to stand by and watch prices plummet -- Ruben was bigger than everyone else combined. And he wanted out.

Meanwhile, over at Parliament News, matters were equally dire in the magazine market. Magazines are hard inventory, unlike videotape rights, and an investment in paper and printing is made which takes months, if not years, to recover. Paul Wisner had never seen the need to make an investment in the actual contents of the magazines -- their sale was unimportant, anyway -- they served as a First Amendment defense for the quarter machines in the back room. As long as the presses and publishers operated quietly, they could make a modest profit with very little expense or effort. (It turned out that the latter turned out to be very unfortunate in the long run, but who could forsee porn outliving the The Reagan Era?)

Hardcore magazines had cover prices which meant nothing except to impart a false sense of value to the product. They were meant to be discounted, and although their actual print cost was a fraction of the cover price, there was plenty of room for a dandy profit for both publisher and retailer IF "front line" profit were maintained.

For example, a magazine costing $0.85 to print, with a $20.00 cover price, was sold "2 for $30.00." If the magazine cost the store $5.00...well you get the idea.

Individual hardcore magazines were bought and sold like videotapes, by title. A press run lasted until every last piece was sold.

Between Traci Lords and Mike Blatt, porn magazines died a painful, ugly, reprinted ad nauseum death.

Mike took a look at the inventory peacefully taking up space in the warehouse, and found customers who would take it on the cheap. He handed in the cash. The prices were never questioned. The prices were cost plus his commission. No one was watching.

A magazine which cost $0.85 and sold for $1.50 was nowhere near as profitable to the publisher as one which sold $5.00, but the retail stores were thrilled at the deals...

By the time Paul Wisner found that his physical assets had been whored out the back door, the pricing structure of porn magazines had been destroyed forever.

Paul had always been concerned that video would create a visibility problem for porn, that porn on every street corner would flood the market until the social forces which object to it would attack. As the religious right grew in strength and the Reagan Administration colluded with Charles Keating in the rape of the nation's savings & loan institutions, the Justice Department attacked. Sturman had been greedy -- his instincts had been correct, but he couldn't let go. He didn't get out in time.

Paul was fortunate in many ways. The magazines were never targeted for prosecution by Operation Wormwood. Wisner's only interest in video was Gourmet Video, which fought back against federal prosecution and won. But, on their own, at the "remaindered" price structure, they couldn't profit. And with no creative investment, they had limited appeal to a generation which had come of age on video porn.

When Paul passed away last fall, the presses made only reprints for multi-packs for dirty bookstores and newsstands.

Porn Inside replies: Ms. Lopatain has a distorted take on a slice of porn history where she would probably pass a polygraph test upon questioning. Following the "three sides to every story" theorem, her remembrance, although true to her mind, is very wrong when it comes to the knowledge to the whys and where fores of Parliament News' business plans and any reasonings for their pricing requirements. Mike Blatt's name has been mentioned as the person responsible for some kind of low-ball pricing scheme when in fact, it was Paul Wisner who completely ran and knew everything going on within the realm of his publishing business. To my mind, success is measured by how big ones bank account is at the end of the day, Paul's was significant. Can you buy a buggy whip anywhere today? The market changes with the times and the times dictated a change. The market dictated the need for price reductions because of competition from the mass market magazines, like Hustler, and additional competition from the growing video market.

Which brings us to the scape goat Lynn uses to blame the fall of the adult video business, Reuben Sturman. To cover the points she illustrates, Mr. Sturman never ever sold his masters inexpensively to any Israelis. As any student of porno history knows, Mr. Sturman started and ran a video company called Vidco back in the 70's and early 80's. When he decided to finally retire after many debilitating federal prosecutions, he sold Vidco to the owners of Caballero and may I mention, at a great profit. A few years later, Caballero was sold to an Israeli who did cut all of those features down to sixty minutes and sold them then for the unheard of price, $2.00. BTW, the price for those same movies now is $1.20. This unheard of price back then was only precipitated by what was being done regularly at Leisure Time, aka, Video Exclusives.

Her take on the new distribution channels established by the need to sell more porno is quite correct but is was really started by the companies that sold hardcore magazine packs to the liquor stores and originally, it was a company called Excaliber that marketed Hollywood Half Hours to the liquor stores back before 1982, much before the Israelis had their hand in it.

Granted, Parliament only printed old packages depicting couples from the 80's which did add to the fall of the $20, hardcore magazine. Once Mr. Wisner died, so did all of his ties to his customers. And Parliament went with him closing their doors shortly after his death. To blame that business is conducted because of greed is both short sighted and un-American. If that were the case, everyone from Bill Gates to Al Goldstein would fall under that category. It is easy to blame others for your own shortcomings.

Lynne: To Porn Inside: Thanks for filling in the pieces. The one thing I know is this: Paul was extremely unhappy with Mike Blatt for whoring the inventory behind his back. Paul didn't know. Or all of it, fast enough. And Bruce drove me by a building where he said all sorts of masters of dubious ownership with Rueben's covert approval were being duplicated by Israeli Jews, people who are different than Americans of any religion. But I encourage your input and Luke's efforts to document any truth. I only speculate and try to draw the cobweb a little tighter until it makes motivational sense. And I have a box of used buggy whips to sell you, real cheap.

Bedtime Productions At Erotica LA

I talked to two suave sweet-talking black men Sunday at the Bedtime Productions booth in Erotica LA at the LA Convention Center.

Johnny Handsome owns and operates the company, located at www.bedtimeproduct.com.

JH: "We're one of the few black owned and operated production companies in the industry. We provide big booty urban videos... But we're for people of all ethnicities. We have Trinity signing."

Trinity, from Florida, is a tall busty blonde from Florida, a favorite of internet critic Roger Pipe.

Dapper Dan: "It is interracial multiethnic stuff."

Dan' s worked for the past 12 years as an editor of ethnic stroke magazines, largely for New York's Magna Publications.

JH: We come to Los Angeles often to shoot as well. We work with Tony Eveready, Lexington Steele and Sean Michaels... They are all friends of mine. I've known them for a long time. And they want to work with me as well. I started Lexington Steele in the business. He did a photo layout for one of my magazines.. A couple of years ago in Atlantic City, I introduced Lex to Michael Raven who wanted him to come to LA to f--- his wife, Sydney Steele.

"I gave Champagne a few years ago a cover and a centerfold and she used that to get in the door.

"I edit Black Portfolio for Magnum Publications. They own Swank, Genesis, Velvet. That's Lou Perretta's organization. I started at Genesis 12 years ago. Then I was at Black Tail. I made that a succesful book. I came up with the concept of using dancers as models and doing club shoots... Now I'm paying attention to the video market to improve that. Because I didn't like what I was seeing."

Bedtime has released 50 videos, and puts out about two videos a month.

JH: Dan and I met in the early '90s when I managed such stars as Ebony Ayes, Domonique Simone...

Johnny and Dan direct and perform scenes. They tagteamed Trinity once in "My Cock, Your Wife."

JH: I saw a niche for portraying ethnics in a positive manner...

LF: Instead of all the in the hood stuff...

JH: Hos, bitches... You won't find any of that...

Dan: It is derogatory and condescending.

JH: Our presentation is unique.

LF: Most black material seems derogatory.

JH: Yeah.... Even Jake Steed, who has a series called "Freaks, Hos and Flos."

We sell adult videos so we still include graphic shots on the boxcover. But we won't put out a boxcover where the girl's face is covered in cum. We'd rather show women in a more positive light.

Luke: What's the difference between all black and all white porn?

JH: The subject matter tends to be different. We shoot from an urban perspective. The storylines are differnt... The talent respond differently.

Dan: In NY we have Russians, Koreans, Asians, Indians, Latins... I've found that companies here are looking to NY for our talent.

JH: We shoot girls that are largely unavailable to the rest of the industry, which is mainly located in LA.

Luke: Black girls seem to have more meat on them.

Dan: They're healthy.

JH: In our ethnic community, we emphasize big butts. I know that culturally Europeans don't. Some of them don't want to see it. We're the Big Booty Bandits. In the ethnic market, the big butt is the calling card.

Dan: The LA girls seem to have a similar look, a clone look with their hair and makeup... We emphasize East Coast girls who are naturally sexy, without the implants... Full figured, full rounded...

JH: We found that a lot of the black women portrayed in productions on the West Coast have a European look.

Dan: They're white girls, except they're black.

JH: A lot of our actresses have said, I've always wanted to get into the adult industry but I didn't think I had that look. I didn't think I was slim enough. I thought my butt was too big. I thought my boobs were not big enough. I said no, that's more of a European version of what beauty is. We're giving the world another view. And it's going over well. It's an untapped market. Don't tell anybody Luke. Give me another five years before you let it out.

JH: We all love banana splits but every now and again you might want a chocolate nut sundae.

Luke: There's a popular conception that black men are hung.

JH: That's been my experience. That that's a fact. That's what women have told me... Certainly at Bedtime Productions we have done nothing to dispell that rumor.

"We realized a couple of years ago that we were sending our best talent to the West Coast from the East, who were becoming the top performers in the industry, male and female. We decided to develop the talent here [in NY].

"We've used Tony Eveready in about 20 movies. We use Jake Steed, Santino Lee, Byron Long, Devlin Weed, Porsha...

"We're being distributed by Frank Korestky and International Video Distributors. Previously we had arelatiionship with Russ Katz at GVA Mid Atlantic but we would like to get one distributor who distributes our product nationally. We'd prefer to concentrate our energies and efforts on production."

Luke: "Many people have strong feelings about black guys with white women. Some people love it. And often the reason they love it is that it is transgressive and nasty. And others hate it for the same reasons."

JH: "We've based a lot of what we do on interracial coupling. About 80% of our videos are interracial, with black men with white women, or with non-black women. We think it is a very good way to make a statement about the hypocrisy out there regarding interracial attraction. We know it exists. We have no problem at all finding women for our videos. And two, it is our effort to form a stronger bond between the two communities. We'd like to see no divisions, no lines, no separations. We're doing what we can to blur that line further. And we say big ups to people who concur and big downs to people who don't."

Dan: "If it is going to bother you, don't look at it.

"Sex is sex. As long as it is a hot sexy video, it should not matter who is performing in it. Even in the publishing industry, everything is separated. There are the white girl books and the ethnic books. They don't mix them. I've been fighting that for 12 years and it has been very frustrating. Because my boss and everybody sticks to the same rules."

JH: "One of our secrets is that a lot of people who enjoy adult videos enjoy interracial videos. Don't tell anyone though. We've never had a complaint about our interracial videos. Nobody has ever said, 'Hey, I think your stuff is very good except that I am tired of seeing all those beautiful white women with those handsome black men.'"

Heather Bankx has a young man come up to her, during a photo, and ask if he was Playgirl material. She obligingly said yes.

Once you know the industry, it is hard not to look down on those who don't but want to get in it.

Donedone writes: Johnny Handsome and Dapper Dan, two of porn's finest. Has there ever been a funnier line from a pornographer than this...."We sell adult videos so we still include graphic shots on the boxcover. But we won't put out a boxcover where the girl's face is covered in cum. We'd rather show women in a more positive light."

Internet Porn

Luke: "What's the outlook for the profitability of the industry?"

Hymie: "It is going to get bigger and better. Everybody is worried that the sky is falling with the credit card processing. The biggest net porners are working on programs to provide debit cards and bank wires instead of CCs. Porn has always found a way to reinvent itself. Porn is bigger than all of us. No matter what, you're never going to get rid of sex.

"I have the understanding that this is going to be bigger and better. There will be zero chargebacks. There will be nothing but profitability from here on out. It's just a matter of reinventing the wheel. Porn will always prevail. There will always be a way of getting porn. Even when porn was illegal, you still had it. Look at prostitution. It's the oldest profession in the world for a reason. It's just a matter of getting smarter than the credit card companies.

"A lot of people are looking at buying their own banks. People are banding together. Everybody is looking to go mainstream, and sell off their adult holdings.

"There wasn't a lot of foot traffic going into the booths. All the big deals were done over power lunches, power dinners and parties. A lot of my deals happened at 4:30 AM, over a beer, in somebody's room. Or smoking a joint."

Ron Levi was away racing his cars. But his lieutenants, Silverstein, Morgan etc were...

JT, SexTracker.com's PR man, had a different spin on events with his younger brother Andy Edmond.

Luke: I have some sources who hate Andy. And it seems like the knives were out this weekend.

JT: "Yes, Lee Noga ripped into Andy. A few people were whispering in her ear as she would go back to her table and fuel the fire. There was a coalition against Andy. They have their own agenda.

"The bottom line... Those against Andy and SexTracker don't understand that the Justice Department is forcing us to keep certain sites that might link illegal material that we don't notify certain webmasters who are publishing that material... Those against Andy want to take it down. Andy's position is if we do that, we're going to be giving a red flag to those people under investigation. Not to mention that the Justice Department is requiring us to keep the sites up so they can track who's using them and what kind of material is published... So the Justice Department can build a case...

"The people who want child porn sites taken down right now, that is putting a bandaid over a gaping woundl. It is a short-term solution that won't work. And when Andy tried to explain that, they wanted proof. They wanted somebody from the Justice Department to say yes, Andy is telling the truth. This is what happened. And we couldn't supply that.

"Ron from CCBill and Strictly Hosting stood up and said that was the truth. That they go through the same sort of practices. The content providers don't necessarily understand that all the time.

"Lee was probably the loudest voice there and very unfair. She was yelling and screaming and dropped anything productive or professional in her criticism. Just throwing darts. It was terrible. But to Andy's credit, he navigated the minefield well. He's going to have face that kind of thing, whether he likes it or not. The bigger his leadership role gets, the more he will face that kind of heat.

"There's a reason Larry Flynt is in a wheelchair. There are going to be people that don't like you because of what you do.

"I didn't find anything constructive about these criticisms."

Luke: "What's the underlying dynamic to the anti-Andy crowd?"

JT: "There are a couple of different tiers to it. There's the general resentment of the success of SexTracker. There's resentment of his style. Andy just likes to get things done. Andy's not into the bulls--- as much as finding a plan and executing it. And some of the resentment comes from relationships not being finessed enough. People find his dominant approach intimidating. They perceive it as arrogant. That he toots his own horn. He's misunderstood by a lot of people.

"The people who don't like him. We're not going to be able to change their minds. But the people who want to better the industry will end up on our ship. People who want to address child porn, spamming, credit card issues and do it without having to drink a dozen beers before getting any business done... All these people will be at the same table when the smoke clears.

"What fuels Lee's agenda and with those people voicing displeasure at Andy's leadership role... I can't speak for them. It is fair to have a differing opinion but be constructive in your criticism. But don't make it a personal attack. There's no reason for that."

Luke: "A lot of people don't like Andy."

JT: "Yeah, it's beyond resentment. It's outright hatred. And I'm not quite sure where that is coming from. Andy is not a bad person. He's putting his money where his mouth is. If they have a personal issue with him, that's not business.

"I thought the weekend went well. Though I caught a cold. We got some good business done, with the unveiling of CCwatch.com. We were able to do some good networking with billing companies to meet the American Express issue. I thought the child porn panel, even though there were so many knives thrown, I thought it was productive. I've rarely seen one person get so much pressure at any panel and Andy made it out all right. Even some of thepeople who might not like Andy might see that he can hold up under any kind of extraordinary pressure."

Kianna Bradley Productions

Kianna Bradley phoned me Tuesday afternoon from DeeRob Enterprises.

Kianna: "We're opening a company, KB Productions. The owner of the company is Steve Thorne, who also owns a new adult company called United Colors Video. I am no longer under contract with Metro. We're doing our own line. The first one is called Kianna Bradley Presents The Ultimate Riding Machines. And we'll have a two page ad in the August AVN. And we'll be starring Dee and Mariah."

Cybernet Expo vs Erotica LA

Mike South writes: OK Luke so who ya think had more fun?

Internet Show vs EroticaLA

nudity on the show vs floor cops on the show
floor parties at strip clubs with free food, booze and dancers Parties? vs FREE what?
you pay here fresh netchicks who do anything vs pornchicks who do anything if ya have $$$
Bourbon Street vs Santa Monica Blvd
People having fun and making money vs porners backstabbing each other
People who pay their bills twice a month vs People who pay their bills twice a year
girls who shed their tops for a 50 cent strand of plastic beads vs girls who shed their tops for 20 bucks
Casinos vs overpriced lunchrooms
Riverwalk vs smogwalk
Kevin Blatt and Andy Edmund vs Bill Margold and Mark Kernes
Free Lunches vs 10 bucks for a sandwich chips coke
90 degrees outside vs 90 degrees outside
# of people kicked out: 0 vs # of people kicked out 6, 10, 20?
crawfish, etouffe, oysters vs bean sprouts, avocado, bottled water
HBO America Undercover vs Luke F-rd and AVN
free booze on the show floor vs water 3 bucks a bottle on the show floor
free Tshirts, vibrators, novelties vs free autographs from Ron Jeremy

Now where would you rather be?

Irresponsible Porn Gossip

There's no story I've been more embarrassed about this year than repeating the rumor that started on MrMarcus.com that Jenna had been raped. She's fine. It was a lie. I got suckered. Now I think porngossip.com is getting suckered. They report the following:

Lexus Locklear in the Hospital!!!! 06/06/00 Posted by Author X News Flash!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lexus Locklear the famous blonde super star of porn was attacked by a stalker last week and is currently in the hospital. This is on the hush and my post here is probably the first to get the info out but this is very real. My understanding is she was raped and beaten although I cant confirm specifics. She is in an unknown hospital in New York City.

Stephanie Swift dates High School senior 06/04/00 Posted by n/a Insiders have reported that Stephanie Swift is dating her live in high school boyfriend. Her boyfriend is an 18 year old high school senior who attends El camino High school in woodland hills, Ca. The boy who is ten years younger than her name has been revealed, Stephen Bibiyan.

Luke Gets Mail

Yankel: Whether or not Goddess is a genetic female is of more urgency than how Mike Blatt (probably on Ruben Sturman's direct instructions) cashed out Parliament News in wake of the Traci Lords scandal.

Helpful consoles Blinky: Cheer up Blinky! You can get a women like Jenna. Where? At the Moonlight Bunny Ranch outside Reno, Nevada. Porn stars "mingle" with their "fans" there almost weekly.

Luke: Yeah, but you're never going to find Jenna J there.

Sparkle: How tall is Asia Carrera? Her entry on the IMDb states that she's five-eight and a half, but seeing how petite she is on the films I can't imagine she's more than five-four. What is her actual stat?

Luke: I think she's about 5'4".

Derwin: Hey Luke..2 thumbs up on your site..lots of interesting stuff ( I visit everyday). What happened to the pornstress "Eva Flowers"?? She is a brunette with a slender body and small breasts. She seemed to disappear about 2 years ago..do you have any info on her at all?

Steve: It seems that Asia Carrrera is not only the worlds "smartist" porno star but she's also it's biggest video game player as well..check out www.asiacarrera.com/me2 and look at the "skins" she made of herself for the game Unreal Tournament. ther's even a topless and non topless kind all the kiddys can "play " with..lol

Rodger Jacobs writes: So, Lynne L-patin is proposing a book on women XXX directors to Carol Queen. Well, from the short list of prospects she listed I would think she was planning a pamphlet, not a book. Shame on you, Lynne, you should have done your homework to make your pitch more appealing and to show that you've done some legwork. Let me see if I can help you out with a few more names: Adele Robbins, Deborah Shames ("Cabin Fever"), Veronica Vera, Annie Sprinkle ("Rites of Passion: In Search of the Ultimate Sexual Experience"), and Melissa Monet. Lynne might also consider a profile of Raven Touchstone; while not a director she is an accomplished scenarist and an inductee into the AVN Hall of Fame.

Lynne replies: Rodger, Carol already knows the names of the female directors, Luke has done enough legwork for six books, and Adele Robbins has a dick. Need I say more?

Brad responds to Lynne: I'm tired of women claiming they like to watch porn. In general most women do not want to f--- as much as men. If the reverse were true it would be a much different world. Men would not be chasing women and all industries where men pay for adult entertainment would be a fraction of what they are today. So ya, there are women who would watch porn even if all the men in them looked like Rocco or Francois Pappilon but that would be a small percentage in comparison to the male audience because most women do not want to f--- as much as men do. So, a wise producer will spend very little money if any to accomodate that small audience. And any so coupled films are really just films where the guy finally persuades his girlfriend or wife to use a porno for stimulation and where the content is not offensive to her(gang bangs,lesbians,etc.) Most women would not initiate this because they feel they fat ass is enough stimulation. Well, the truth hurts but women will do almost anything to keep their man around.

Lynne replies: Then we better change that Brad, and make women a lot more horny! Because I agree with you, and I think it's a shame that most women do not want to f--- as much as men, and that those who do are called awful names. So, a wise producer will spend very little money if any to accomodate that small audience. It's a different market. There's a lot of room.

A wise producer will make material which profits, and there's ways to profit with many different types of material IF one knows what she is doing. And any so called couples films are really just films where the guy finally persuades his girlfriend or wife to use a porno for stimulation and where the content is not offensive to her(gang bangs,lesbians,etc.)

This is the weirdest explanation "couples films" I've ever heard, and I'm wondering what Brad's experience watching porn with women has been. Most women would not initiate this because they feel their fat ass is enough stimulation. The fatness of an ass has nothing to do with a woman's abiilty to provide stimulation. If a woman doesn't know how to stimulate, she needs to learn. Good porno might teach her that. The penis is to be worshipped -- most men find that very stimulating.

Well, the truth hurts but women will do almost anything to keep their man around Brad,

I agree, 100%. You are referring, I believe, to bringing home and watching a porn tape. I am referring to ALL the humiliating things women do to please men and keep them around. All the things we put up with and shouldn't. After all, men are not really important to women, especially for sex. Awfully confusing.

Jack writes: Hi Luke, As you know I am a hot blooded porn lovin chick from Australia, and I can give you an insight of what women like watching in porn.

Firstly, I like hardcore, I like it hard. I don't like looking at some wanker pissing in a girls mouth but I like hardcore real looking sex between good looking people of any sex. There are some good films aimed at couples out there, the best being "BOOMERANG" with the gorgeous Kiss. This unlike the Candida or Blake "nice porn" films uses good looking guys and girls doing it hard, but shot well. Plus it's the only one of these with an anal scene that I've ever seen and god I love watching a good anal. (Not the s---ful pathetic sicko ones you see on 99% of cheap videos).

We like watching porn because we (like you guys) get turned on. At our place there is nothing better than getting dressed in something sheer and sexy, pouring some wine and putting on a good video. Guaranteed to get me off all night. As for what girls us girls like to see ;

Jenna J .......Goddess, no-one even comes close.
Nina Hartley.......My first porn love
Asia Carrera........Body and Brains
Janine...........Drop Dead Gorgeous
Kiss........As I said before, gorgeous.
Ginger Lynn.......Welcome Back, a true Star. I met her once.
Marilyn Chambers......I hope to look like that at he age.

Love Jacki x0x0x0x0 (maybe I should show one of our home videos, show you how it is done)

Carl writes: I AM WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED TO ANGEL HART. SHE DID A HANDFUL OF FILMS. SHE WAS GORGEOUS AND INTO EVERYTHING THEN JUST SEEMED TO DISAPPEAR. WHERE IS SHE KNOW? - CANDI ROXX LOOKS ABITE LIKE ANGEL HART AND THEY BOTH HAVE THE SAME TATOO ON THEY LEFT CALF. CANDI ALSO RADICALLY CHANGED HER LOOK AND IS REALLY PEIRCED KNOW. ANY CONNECTION?

The Magical Mystery (Luke F-rd San Pornando Valley) Tour

John Douglas from TalkingBlue.com writes: Dear Lukey, I hope you got my IM where I put in for a reservation for your tour. I see it referenced that the first outing is for the media and since we are often referred to as a very watered-down version of l-keford.com I assume that I qualify as media. So once again, I am claiming a seat. I shall bring the appropriate gear (including a cell phone should you decide to ditch us all in a gang-infested barrio of East Los Angeles - which is okay with me since I have relatives in those parts).

Big Mike: Cool Hand Luke- Surely a rising dot.com stud like yourself will offer a promotional all-expenses paid free trip to do the Valley tour Luke-style....maybe some lame sex from one of those hatchet-faced third tier Kosher Chicks that want to be disciplined so badly would be in order...well, you can take it frome here, Cool...let us know where to enter (pardon my pun, sphincter-boy)...

Camp Erotica War

Terry writes: Aghast: You've done it now! The Mondo Family is readying the Spawn Ranch for WAR! It's time to go to the mattresses, this a a Jihad! The Camp Erotica Girls are gassing up the dune buggies as I write this. Col. Rob and Mondo Chris are getting the dogs all worked up by teasing them with a smelly stuffed effigy of Aghast, the Traitor! Aghast, you have exactly 24 to return our contract boy , James Long, to us in the same condition that you found him. If you fail to do this, we will wage a full scale Mondo style guerrilla war on you the second that 24 hours is up. We already have a very good idea where you are hiding him, as the dogs were able to follow a trail of cheeseburger crumbs and Pioneer chicken grease for several miles from the Staples Center, until the trail went cold. It is only a matter of time before we find him, so I suggest that you give up on your ridiculous scheme right now, before certain Mondo Family members get ahold of you, and exact a slow and painfull revenge upon your withered and misshapened body. I am enclosing a photo of James Long, taken only hours before his abduction. If any of Luke's readers spot him, please get in touch with the Mondo Family A.S.A.P., there is a handsome reward being offered for his safe return. As for you, Aghast, tick-tock, tick-tock, the clock is running. You can run, but you can't hide for much longer. Brother Terry

Luke: Here's another email: This is Pie Dog Savage Mr. Aghast. I don't know if you know much about me, but I am a long time friend and drinking buddy of Mr. James Long. If you fail to provide Mr. Long with his daily requirement of alcohol you will have a really big problem on your hands. As though you don't have a big enough problem on your hands already.

I have been asked by Brother Terry, to stop taking the various medications that keep me from becoming psychotic, to plan our revenge. You are a sick and perverted man. Where did you get the idea that we are making movies to gross the public out? My own perversion makes Mondo fare seem mild. I have a plan for you Mr. Aghast. Have you ever seen female genitalia mutilation?

I am medical school drop-out. I believe I can perform the necessary operation to make you physically semi female. I can then deliver my master stroke. The afore mentioned African tradition. Then again you could just release Mr. Long immediately. In which case we could negotiate a proper punishment for such a sick and twisted individual as yourself. Perhaps a Bukake, performed with all the Mondo Freaks, and a little anal with Rocketboy- while being forced to watch Lawrence Whelk. Let me know: I grow more psychotic every minute.

Aghast writes: Terry and Pie Dog, Let the blood feud between our rival production houses end. The final chapter in the sad saga of James Long's terrible years in captivity has been closed. His life began anew today.

After I "borrowed" Mr. Long from you ungrateful f---s on Sunday I immediately phoned my production crew to begin shooting my new film the next day. That night before I went to bed I went to Mr. Long's cage to refill his slop trough and change his disposable bladder control undergarment. As I peaked into his cell I found Mr. Long staring through his barred window. His lower lip trembling. A single tear glimmering down his moonlit face. I knew then it was wrong for me to keep him for my selfish film's sake. I knew then that I must immediately return him to his home. Not the home you created for him at Spawn Ranch. But his true home. Where he could be with his own kind.

With the aid of three well placed tranquilizer darts, a block and tackle, and a rented Ryder truck I transported Mr. Long to northern California. Stopping frequently along the way for him to gorge on 49 cent tacos and roll about playfully in the summer grass. We eventually made it to Yosemite National Park. As soon as we drove through the gates of the park I saw a huge look of relief drift across his face. He knew he was finally home and he had also just moved his bowels. Thanks God for the disposable undergarments!

I took him to a grassy field and opened the truck door. At first he cowered in the corner of the cargo area of the truck; reluctant to come out. Luckily I had one 39 cent cheeseburger left in my pocket. I lured him out of the truck with the tasty morsel and drew him into the field. At first he seemed disoriented and agitated, but soon his comfort level grew. Within minutes he began gleefully "marking his territory" in a way that even Mondo Family Films would deem disgusting. Suddenly there was a rustling in the bushes and out came what I believe was a female of Mr. Long's species. He let out a joyful wail and scurried off with her. It was a very tender moment. sniff.

Some might say I was wrong to do what I did. He's lived in captivity too long! How will he survive? To those critics I say, "INSTINCT!" He is with his own kind now. Free to roam the campsites of Yosemite, forage through the dumpsters, and reproduce in the most unappealing ways imaginable. You see Pie Dog and Terry. You cannot own a Mr. James Long. He belongs to us all. He was: Born free. Free as the grass grows. Free as the wind blows. Free to follow his heart.

Let the blood feud end. A truce between Mondo Films and Aghast begin. Mr. Long is free. Amen.

Chaim Amalek, Standup Comic

Lou writes: Luke help! For the love of God, for all that's in the Torah that's good and decent,... get that Chaim guy off your site! He's like the sweaty fat guy who hangs out in a nearly empty comedy club, hogging the mic, telling unfunny endless stream of consciousness jokes about himself, convinced that the audience isn't intellectual enough to laugh at them. Chaim get off-stage, man! If this were the Gong show, you'd have been gonged hours ago, with your tired, worn out shtick. "Oh, Jews are all porners! Oh, I'm a figment of Luke's imagination!"... GONG!... The largest evidence so far that you're not really Jewish is how profoundly unfunny your psuedo-intellectual porn rants have become. Luke, I beg of you, the comedy club owner would've yanked this guy weeks ago! Pull the plug, man. For God's sake, pull the plug!!! See the difference is, when Kendra, Jenna or some other porn chick writes unfunny endless diatribes, it's still compelling because, hey, hot snatch! But Chaim doesn't even have booty appeal. Kill him now. He must die. Chaim, you ain't no Jew- -Lou Scorbick

Attn: Lenny Friendlander, Owner of New Beginnings

Steven writes: Do you know your company steals money from their cutomers? I'm the co-buyer for Discount video. We spoke to madelyn back in August of 99 and were told we could return some videos and video cds for a refund. She even checked with her boss and told us it was "no problem" and "Don't worry about it". We sent them back next day via ups. Once your company received them,they turned around and said they do not accept merchandise that is two years old and used. First off, we have the convos with madelyn on tape and she was made fully aware that the stuff was old. Also, it is not used..... The tapes we sent back had been cut when we received them. As for the video cds,we ordered cd-roms and they sent us video cds. We kept them in an effort to sell them to a customer and he turned out not to purchase them. Our old sales rep,Ron, lied to us just to get a sale.....it even states on the invoices that they are mpgs,not cd-roms. Rob Taylor, the buyer here at discount video, personaly tried to work out the matter with Bryan. He discussed the fact that the merchandise could not be refunded for what we had originoly paid. We were willing to accept a refund based on catalog prices and bryan was not even willing to do that. He only wanted to ship out other merchandise after they had already sold us defective videos and video-cds, which we didn't even order. Bryan then made the comment, "the fact taht you are seeking a refund,at all,makes me laugh" after Rob questioned him about being the boss of the company.........as far as we know Lenny freidman is the owner....NOT this jackass....bryan. We've filed complaint with several agencies including the better business bureau,ftc,attorney general's office and nothing has benn resolved.. Not a dime has been refunded nor has our stuff even been returned. I hope you know how your company treats their customers..........Steven Mitchelle

In Like Flynn

John Douglas from Talkingblue.com writes: Your buddy J.D. Considine is incorrect in stating that the expression is "in like Flynn", nor is it a reference to dear old dead Errol. The phrase comes from a 1967 James Coburn movie "In Like Flint" which was a sequel to the 1965 hit "Our Man Flint". These films, like Dean Martin's hokey Matt Helm movies ("The Silencers", "Murderer's Row" and "The Ambushers" among others), were a direct decendent of the Bond movies and part of a whole sub-genre that sprung out of the success of Ian Fleming's British super spy. The circle is now complete with the amazing popularity of the reverential Austin Powers movies with Mike Myers, which is a homage to the Bond films while incorporating the "let's not take ourselves too seriously" approach of the Coburn and Martin films. For more info and "In Like Flint" and it's far superior predecessor "Our Man Flint", visit IMDB's page at: http://us.imdb.com/Title?0061810

Murray: The reference is with "Flynn" in it. The expression came around after Errol Flynn beat the rap on a statuatory rape charge when he refused to pay off a girl's mother/pimp for a dalliance on his yacht. Supposedly he really hated the expression--much as Simpson hates jokes made about his getting away with murder.

J.D. Considine writes: Does no one have a sense of history anymore? References to "In like Flynn" so significantly predate the Coburn flick to make it obvious that the movie's title was, in fact, a play on the immediately recognizable phrase "In like Flynn." But for those who need to see this in black and white, check Eric Partridge's "A Dictionary of Sland and Unconventional English," from which (on page 595) I quote: "In like Flynn (be). 'To be well in, to have it made. Refers to the athletic and sexual prowess of the late Australian-born actor.' (A. Buzo, 1973): Aus. later C. 20. Hence also in like Errol, but the rhyme makes the main form more attractive." Cecil Adams of "The Straight Dope" fame also did a fairly exhaustive explication of the phrase, which could easily be checked online. You could look it up, if you wanted to.

John Douglas writes Tod Hunter of AVN: Dear Mr. Hunter,

Boy, oh boy, am I going to take it on the nose over this one. I originally responded to someone who corrected someone who used the expression "In Like Flint" who was corrected.

I simply wished to point out that "In Like Flint" was acceptable in that it was a very popular movie and I have heard many people use "Flint". But I did a little fact checking and found that "In Like Flynn" pre-dates Errol and his rape accusations. Apparently, the expression was coined in reference to an Edward J. Flynn (1892-1953) who was a New York political boss who backed FDR and had such an influence in the Bronx area that any candidate that he backed was In, Like Flynn.

Apparently, when dashing Errol came along years later the phrase was used, but initially to describe his derring cinematic feats. It was only years later that the phrase was turned into a play on words regarding the rape case. As to whether old Errol took issue with the phrase, he reportedly addresses it in his autobiography and makes no mention of it causing him any distress. As a matter of fact, a number of Warner Bros. bios used the term in promoting Flynn features. And I hardly think Flynn's publicist would let such an egregious error slip by.

But I deserve all the hammering that I get over this. I finally have a scandal show up on l-keford.com and it would have to be over something like this and not something sexual.

Regards,

John Douglas john@talkingblue.com

P.S. Oh, and Tod, when you are done reading Luke's daily column, we have a site of our own that may interest you. You can find it at: www.talkingblue.com.

Marc Putative, Amy Sohn

Marc Putative writes: amy sohn--you think she reads l-keford.com? i wouldn't be surprised. her sell-out is an intriguing case study of how "content" is treated in the modern media maelstrom. she was snapped up by the new york post, who had her writing these neutered pseudo-"sex in the city" columns. but her previous incarnation (in the new york press) were somewhat more original adventures in promiscuity. but the semi-autobiographical book she authored, "run catch kiss," smacks of the underlying desperation that goes along with being a professional maneating temptress.

much like the author of that long-winded (but thoroughly entertaining) manifesto "bitch," elizabeth wurtzel--raised orthodox jewish by her mother, then corrupted with lobster dinners by her fractious father--there's a yearning for love and family that these jewesses crave, yet it's at odds with their vixen personas, which certainly pay the bills much better than rock criticism does. (luke, have you ever dated a gal writer? maybe that's what you need.) and, yes, i was remiss in not mentioning "friends" as an example of the blurred line between shiksas and, uh, non-shiksas. lisa kudrow shines as the one example of a hollywood jewess who has boasted of remaining virginal until marriage. sure, britney spears does the same--but will she hold out 'til 31, as kudrow did? her virtue was enough to put wendy shalit to shame, even though she co-habitated with that nice irish catholic boy conan o'brien before settling down ... can't someone be found with some VC to ponder these topics. shmuley boteach has made lotsa money--can luke figure out how to score some?

Chaim Amalek writes: Gentlemen: I do not think it is correct to think of Sohn (who I commended to Luke as a possible callah) as a sell-out, any more than it is correct to accuse a car salesman of being a sell-out every time he sells a car off his lot. She is a smart woman who recognized early on in life that she had some writing ability and a vagina, but not much in the looks department. I mean, she is OK, but not exactly model material. So she made the best with what she has, and has made much of it. Good for her. And no, I doubt that she reads reads l-keford.com. (Actually, I am not sure that ANY women, apart from the few Luke knows personally, read it. All them e-trannies, you know.) Marc, I looked at your column but have to admit to being totally unfamiliar with Toronto radio. I never heard of that woman on AM 640 or any of the other folks you mention. Sorry, but outside of Toronto, why would anyone want to know about these people?

I strongly suggest you pen a piece about the Internet, and how antisemites are using music to appeal to the disaffected white youth of today. Maybe start with a look back at SkrewDriver, the evolving lyrics, the role of the big labels in determining what can get promoted and played, etc. Close with a look at Pierce's new label (Resistance Records, I think) and the impact of Gnutela and Napster on making new channels of distribution available to extremist groups. Quote the ADL, talk to Pierce, etc. (But be CAREFUL about this.) I really think that this is a decent story for you to pursue. Hell, to make a name for yourself, why not also pen some reviews of their music for the Voice. They love stories involving white racism, the internet, and music all rolled into one. Make this work and it will prove yet again that a smart jew can turn antisemitism to his advantage (if only up to a point).

Regarding that new web site, how would it make money? I think only by appealing to asiatics who otherwise do not get to meet any jews, and charging them some big bucks for "political intelligence" about the jews. You could have articles on what jews are eating, buying, where they are investing, how jews wipe their behinds, what sort of music they are listening to, and weekly discussions of the torah with and asian slant. Charge them 3000 Yen per month. I cannot think of any other way of making money off of the web these days.

Luke, that bus tour sounds like a great idea and is a great idea. Too bad you likely will not do anything with it. But maybe you will. It is a really great idea for you, and could turn into a real cash-cow, synergizing (a new word!) your relationship with porn, and thereby enhancing your standing in Shul. Remember, the winning formula is that proven by the Jew Jerry Springer - lurid sexual detail with a healthy dollop of moralizing. Trust me, this cannot miss in millenial America. If nothing else, the press will eat it up. (Put on a good show for them!) But as with all other things, you have got to put some real WORK into this to make it work.

There. Amalek again helps out the jews, contrary to what your rabbis may have taught you. Good luck to the both of you. Chaim Amalek

Marc: amy sohn might be, like, a 3 in looks, but as soon as a gal starts yapping about salacious sexual matters, doesn't she automatically get elevated to an 8 or 9 in the beady eyes of the panting male audience? a jewess media relic of the early-'90s was sari locker, a sexologist who was a regular on the talk show circuit, and came off like your garden variety long island yenta, but surely got more doors opened for her because she wrote a book called "mindblowing sex in the real world" while still in her early 20s. the best-selling book by smart-aleck supreme david eggers, "a heartbreaking work of staggering genuis" contains a chapter about him trying to score with her ...

as for that so-called menacing nazi music, it's been years since someone has dragged it under the sensationalist microscope. one segment i recall, on cnn, featured an excerpt of an acutal recording, probably by the band rahowa (shame on me for remembering the names). while the musicians (and their audiences) had the shaved head and combat booted apperance, the music sounded like gerry & the pacemakers, these bouncy odes to how bad all those non-whites were.

i'm not saying an online jew-centric forum for our collective ravings needs to be profitable; there are plenty of foundations out there that might be willing to bankroll a project by the world's biggest dennis prager fan and his ardent followers, that's all. hipster jew sites, with names like tattoojew and generationj, all mean well, but aren't very complex in their perspectives. even the mighty aish hatorah's site, which contains no shortage of dating advice that can be cut and pasted for l-keford.com's laff purposes, is awfully condescending. (although the kabbalistic parsha stuff they run is rather intense.)

Chaim: The jewish web site is looking better and better as the logical place for this material, as some of us bagel-eating, hairy-palmed, morbidly rotund, short born jews appear not to be fully appreciated by the readers of l-keford.com.

ON THE OTHER HAND - why bother? What would we gain from such a web site? Would it be good for us, would it be good for the jews? Why would such a web site need any sort of bankroll?

Re Amy Sohn, her willingness to write about her vagina's experiences might elevate her in looks today, but believe me, in precious few years that won't work all that well.

Finally, you remembered right - RAHOWA stands for Racial Holy War.

Marc: luke--hey, at least you have hair. (not that i don't.) and while i'm not skinny, don't lump me in with the morbidly rotund, either. and i'm 6 feet tall on my tiptoes. why fund a website venture? because some of us are professional writers--the kind who refuse to use upper case when emailing stream-of-consciousness stuff lest it be mistaken for their actual craft--who spend more time trying to scheme money than actually being productive. and more resources allow for grander publicity and other ventures, because a website in itself don't do nuthin' for nobody, unless there are naked chicks involved, right? actually, who among "us" are professional writers, anyway? unless you could imagine j.d. considine being to the site what jon voight is to the chabad telethon--the benevolent gentile. not to mention billy bob thorton's father-in-law. (what would/does the rebbe think about that?) i once thought that a journalist jewess could be my salvation. but, in spite of a couple tries, i never successfully clicked with one. today, i find the idea reprehensible. my beloved is, in fact, an illustrator.

Luke's Make Or Break Year

Dudley Moore writes: Luke, you said this is your make-or-break it year. You know how negative I am by nature, but I'd like to list the pros and cons on your chances for l-keford.com surviving another year: Here are the pros:

1. To the extent that your site is perceived as Gateway to X, then there will always be a ready market for l-keford.com.

2. The craziness of your site may be its saving grace(if it survives).

3. In all fairness, you give a voice to the voiceless, so maybe this will enhance your odds of survival if anything does.

Here are the cons:

1. Your big break (Foxfiles, Rolling Stones interviews) has passed you by. Your brief celebrity has faded. It is unlikely you'll get any more big breaks, as everyone is on to you now.

2. You have alienated most of your subjects and your contacts in the X industry in just a few short years, so it's unlikely you'll get any more hot tips or break any more big stories like the AIDS stories that got you so much attention.

3. The AIDS threat to the X industry never materialized(no impact), so you really can't bank on AIDS for a future in the sex industry.

4. You have no known business skills nor any business savvy.

5. You don't learn from your mistakes, and unfortunately from you, they're usually big ones.

6. You're almost totally lacking in people skills, with no noticeable improvements forthcoming.

7. Brandy Alexandre is notoriously contentious and a major liability to you and your site, and is second only to you in the number of people/contacts to your site that she has personally alienated.

8. Lynne L-patin's "gushing mom" and "protective mother hen" regard for you is non-erotic to your readers and a bore.

9. Craig Vasiloff's decision to distance himself from you speaks for itself inside the sex industry, and makes you look like a failure.

10. The violence and threats on your site(as well as on Internet search references for your site) is a total turnoff for any prospective female readers, so you've lost half your potential audience.

11. (There are many, many more, such as no new book in sight, no Luke F-rd writing on your site, etc, etc, etc, that will be obvious to your readers.)

Curious reluctantly agrees with Dudley Moore: Sorry to gang up on you, but the further "cons" include:

12. You are too old to be a "twink."

13. You are not a "size queen."

14. Homosexual men do not find you attractive.

15. You are no longer a "gorgeous bitch."

Goddess writes: My sense of humor seemed to have gone south on me yesterday, IJG (Insecure Jewish Girl), but after a good hard f---, a hot, creamy load down my throat and a good night's sleep, it's returned in full force. So, if you feel the need to tell people I'm a guy because women who LOVE sex makes you feel uncomfortable, go ahead. And I in turn will tell them my theory about a forty something Jewish girl, who isn't married, doesn't have a boyfriend, doesn't like to suck cock and doesn't like cum in her mouth. Hhhhmmm, I am cloudy on one issue, though. Would you be the butch or the fem?? ?

NJG replies: Goddess, hun, can we see a pic? Just so we know you're really a girl hun. You've seen mine, I'm not bad, someone called me gorgeous here at Luke's yesterday. I'm not really worried about hooking up with someone hun. My looks are holding up. And, it's not all that important to me....as any Real Live Girl would attest to hun tee hee. I mean, I go to ballet class several times a week. I'm actually even skinnier now than the pix you see here. Oh and all real. Ask Lynne. She met me. Ask Luke, he met me, thinks I'm very pretty. But anyways Goddess, it's okay, if you're not a girl, or if you're gay, or a trannie. It's cool with me. Just letting you know hun. I do like you btw, I think you write really cool, for a guy.

Goddess writes: No, IJG, hun, you can't see a pic, hun. 'Cause it'll be a pretty cold day in hades before I feel I have to pass inspection by a Jewish lesbian ballerina to post on a porno site, hun. But I'll tell ya what, hun. I'll see if I can get ya a pic of Ellen Degeneres and Anne Hache. Or maybe you've been masturbating to one all this time? Tee, hee. And of course, you like me, hun. Most lesbians do. Oh, and hun? You might wanna adjust that tutu, hun, your sexual insecurities are showing.

Swain writes on RAME: The Erotica LA show was pretty cool, but I'm like you, I like vegas much better. Saw Bridgett Powerz, she was really cute, and can anyone tell me whats up with Bridget Kerkoves new Tits? she looked so much better with her small natural titties. Nina Hartley was great as usual. The one thing that really bothers me is people charging $5.00 amd $10.00 for a polaroid. PuuleeeZZ............It seems like everyone is much friendlier in Vegas. And one last thing, did anyone see Maren Beaute, she was so skinny she seems sick, and I do mean skinny.

Dolorosax writes on RAME: And what's wrong with porn starlets charging five or ten bucks for a polaroid, if they're supplying the camera & film? Haven't you ever gone to a strip club, where guys line up to buy polaroids from the headliners? Or a baseball card convention, where you're charged that much or more for the scrawled autograph of a grizzled neandrathal paid much more to do his job than any porn actress? The biggest reason that LA-Erotica hasn't really grown in size is that most porn companies are not that thrilled with their return from doing the show. Sure, Wicked, who seems to love bleeding money out of the asshole simply to promote their roster of overseen contract girls, shows up.

But a lot of the other companies decide to buy space based on if they'll at least make their money back and break even. Unfortunately, this is difficult because of two factors -- first, the couple of cheap-ass distributors Ron keeps let buying space who undercut everybody else by selling their crappiest catalog product for $5 and under, and the tightfistedness of the porn fan, who might have ventured out of the peep booth but still is either too ashamed to spend money in public on his hobby or too cheap. Compare this to the business done at your average comic book, science fiction, sports, doll-collecting, what have you sort of show. If there was a healthier amount of business going on, there'd be more companies, and potentially, I would think, a slate of interesting events, such as public interviews, a screening or two, what have you. It's a shame when porn hits the LCD again, but sometimes it's the fans who keep it there, not the other side...

Brandy Alexandre writes on RAME: Great insight. The reason this doesn't go on at CES is because it's not permitted. There is absolutely no selling at the convention, and that includes Polaroids. But as long as there is a herd of cash cows, there will be cowgirls. ;)

On a totally different note: I saw a comment on LF that AIM was thrown out for flashing, but several of the photos on LF's site have flashing (I assume it's from Erotica LA). Just like you will occasionally find someone getting away with selling at CES, people will get away with flashing at Erotica LA. Mitch's complaining that Ron Miller was out to get her is bogus. She just got caught and refuses to take responsibility. Plus, when you know you're in the hot seat, you keep your nose clean regardless of what is going on around you. I wouldn't be surprised if they were just itching to kick her out for something, but the incident that prompted the ejection still happened. As for Luke, HIS was bogus. What do these people have to hide that they are afraid to have Luke F-rd around?

NJG: Goddess: I am thrilled you think I'm a lesbian. I have no problem with that. I like girls a lot, I wish I was one...sadly girls are not my forte. I find it very interesting that you cannot provide a picture of yourself, must be because your penis would show? Or your beard ? You can't shave that close? It's not a big deal hun, b/c I see plenty of guys that can help you with the tuck and the shaving part. You might want to ask RuPaul? I love RuPaul btw. Again, showing you're a guy, you only can think of Anne or Ellen as poster girls for lesbianism...ho hum. Passe and tired hun. If I were attracted to a girl it would be to Angleina Jolie...BTW, I bet you're a real cute guy....true? Please provide the pic ;)

Kaspar: Well, now this is a turn for the better ther, Luke! Dem bitches fighting over you, trying to prove who is gay, who is trannie is as funny as s---! Like watching two greased cats go at it over a dead mouse, while each have its tail set on fire. Sick, but still pretty funny. I say we settle this by sending your friend Lynne out on a secret mission to find out who is telling the truth. Or maybe some porner friend of yours can get busy. Anyway, we should take a poll on this: a Trannie b Lesbian (boy I doubt that big time and am willing to prove my point) c Who cares, it is funny! Bottom line: Cant we all get along?

Earl: Is "Goddess" of German stock? Your jewish friend njg keeps calling her "hun" - a very old, anti-German slur. You would not tolerate such slurs if directed against jews; you should not tolerate them when directed against Aryans.

Goddess writes: As a matter of fact, Earl, I am German, and Kaspar, no poll is necessary. While it's been really fun exchanging quips with you, IJG, (and I mean "fun" in a bamboo shoots under the fingernails kinda way), I AM finished with this, because...yawn...you BORE me. Sorry, Luke, but you might actually have to write your own damn page.

Concerned implores: Goddess and NJG! Knock it off! This petty name calling is so beneath the both of you two! Don't you realize that when you accuse each other of being ugly frigid lesbians you just demean yourselves? Ugly?!?! Frigid?!?! Lesbians?!?! How immature! I am sure that I speak for most of l-keford.com's male readers when I say that I always fantasized that you were both hot bisexual nymphomaniacs. Ready to join a manage a tois at the drop of Luke's yarmulke.

Now stop all that silly name calling business and kiss and make up. Oh, yeah! . . . A nice . . . slow . . . deep . . . tongue kiss . . . starting at the mouth . . . and . . . slowly working down the neck . . . Ahhhhh . . . That's it! . . . Yeah! . . . Keep goin' girls . . . Nice . . . and . . . sexy like . . . Ohhhhhhh . . . yeah! . . . You know how I like it . . .