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Tuesday, June 6th, 2000

Email Luke

Yankel: Do you know the story about Mike Blatt and Parliament News? How he destroyed the magazine industry?

Satire vs Fact

Helpful clarifies: It seems that some of the porners at LA Erotica were upset with you because they could not differentiate between your hard-nosed, 100% factual reporting and your razor sharp, evil satire. Here's a clue to help the barely literate porners. The facts at l-keford.com are always written in the alternating pink and green flashing font. The satire is usually written in a plain black font. Got it?

Jeannie Rivers Superstar

Chupatinha writes on RAME: This girl has it all: sexy, pouty, French model looking face, slim but not emaciated all natural body, loves to give long lingering blowjobs and then gets on top and rides like hell till SHE comes. I first noticed her in a hot three-way in one of Joey Silvera's Please series and assumed she was European but it turns out she is from Oregon!

Anyway, believe it or not, she has never looked better than in fat ol Ed's latest Debutantes tape (136? 7?, he seems to make five a week now) where she is made up beautifully (like a cover girl not a stripper) wears a really hot outfit, does an extended solo scene and then succumbs to Ed's .....uhhhhhhh.... charms.

She also has the final scene in 18 and Nasty #15 where she actually gets lame ass Tony Martino to get hot and f--- her silly after a REALLY hot and langorous poolside BJ. Please, let's get her in some better movies with better talent and great lighting and videography. And she digs girls so pair her up with, say, Kenya or that hot little Monik from Budepest and a nice big dick as a side dish!

Luke F-rd's First Porn Valley Tour Scheduled For June 13

My first guided tour of porno Los Angeles will be exclusively for members of the media. It is now scheduled for 9AM June 13 and will include a celebration of Dynamite's birthday where she bangs 21 guys. Email Luke your reservation as well as tips on places to visit. Itinerary now being placed in final form.

We will travel in the deluxe accomodations of Luke's van. Bring a pillow and blankets and some paper towels.

Kaspar: I spoke with my cousin Hector. First, he wants to know how many miles a day this will be. Also, he insists that you do not go to where the black people live. too dangerous. And do you really have the money to start this? Just because we are Mexican does not mean we are cheap. You get what you pay for.

George writes: Luke; That Porn Valley Tour sounds like a hell of an idea. My only problem is the $20 for the tour. At present I have only a single Canadian twenty in my wallet. Would that be OK?

I was also thinking that for the extra I might need, the NJG could come along and pay that, besides her own, and for that I would hold onto her and keep her safe because of your atrocious driving that she mentioned. Hell for that price I would even bring an extra pillow to put in front of her face.

That would be for just before you run into something so that she doesn't get her beautiful looks ruined before marrying some rich guy that is going to keep her in the lap of luxury that she is preparing herself for. If her gorgeous face was damaged all she could hope for is some ordinary working stiff like myself. Heaven forbid that should happen!

Lord Peter Luther Christian writes: Dear Mr. Ford:

Speaking from the Christian perspective, there is much in your new business venture that can be laudable, provided it is executed properly. Your tour could be used to educate tourists on the dangers of perdition that come with the sin of random fornication outside of Christian marriage.

Begin, as has been suggested by others, with the bus depot, the Gates to Hell where many a young girl has begun her descent to damnation. Continue to the Demon Flynt Building, where Satan first breaks many an innocent's spirit. Then continue on to the filth factories of the Valley, where the dehumanizing process proceeds apace. Be sure to visit some HIV treatment centers, and discuss the relationship between the moral diseases of pornography, feminism, sodomy, etc., and such physical diseases as HIV and hepatitis.

Next stop - an abortion clinic, where unborn children brought to life in this moral sewer are masticated by the whirring blades of the abortionist's cutting tools, to the beat of a hip-hop sound track. This should be followed by a visit to the graves of the damned - porn actresses whose lives were cut short as a result of their involvement with pornography.

This can be a very depressing experience, with little to commend repeat business. So you will want to end on a high note: a trip to a Christian church, where the good news of Christ everlasting, and the promise of forgiveness of even the pornographer's sin, is presented to the shocked attendees in word and song. Finally, offer baptism to all who wish it.

Victory in Christ!
Lord Peter Luther Christian, OBE

J.D. Considine writes: Writes Chaim Amalek: "Luke, if she agreed to that [ride in your van], and if she already knows about your web site, then you are in like Flynt, as the kids say."

Actually, the expression is "in like Flynn," and is generally believed to be a reference to Errol Flynn, who was famous for his amorous activities. Which makes me wonder about the age of the "kids" Amalek hangs around...

(Thanks to Harri from Finland for reminding me of my rightful role.)

Jenna Jameson Exclusive

Jenna Jameson writes: HEY LUKE, GOT MY COMPUTER UP! THIS IS NOT MY PERMANENT E-MAIL ADDRESS, SO I'LL GIVE YOU MY NEW ONE WHEN I GET IT... I JUST GOT TO LOOK AT ALL THE CRAZINESS THIS RUMOR HAS STARTED...I WOULD LIKE TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT. i NEVER EVER, SAID ANYTHING DERROGATORY ABOUT MARCUS... I CONSIDER HIM MY FRIEND! I UNDERSTAND HOW RUMORS GET STARTED, AND IT SEEMS LIKE I AM AT THE CENTER OF A LOT OF THEM... I DO NOT BLAME HIM FOR ANYTHING INCLUDING ALL THE PANIC THAT HAS BEEN CAUSED BY THIS VICIOUS RUMOR... I WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL MY FRIENDS AND FANS OUT THERE FOR COMING TO MY RESCUE. SURE MAKES ME FEEL LOVED... ON THE OTHER HAND THE ASSHOLE THAT TALKED ABOUT ME TAKING IT UP MY ASS DURING THIS"RAPE", CAN EAT s---! WHAT A VIOLENT PERVERTED LOSER! IT'S PEOPLE LIKE THAT WHO RUIN THIS WORLD! BY THE WAY, i DON'T HAVE ANY GANG MEMBERS AFTER ME.... THAT I KNOW OF! lOVE, JENNA

Blinky: let jenna know that full caps are as ugly as she's gonne get eventually.

Jenna: Poor "blinky".... Is he feeling inferior? Must suck to know you'll never get a girl like me... Especially with that attitude!

Aurore Dupin writes: NBC's The West Wing singes the White House for throwing odd bits "out with the trash" late Friday hoping no on reads the paper on Saturday; but from last weekend's LA Erotica we have picked up PLENTY of trash to hit the Web Tuesday:

But we start with the Sublime before hitting the Ridiculous. Eric Middleman, exec producer of Danni's Hard Drive [and late of Playboy TV] said he might co-produce a Web video with our new Web Site; BUT [of course] ONLY IF HE LIKES IT!!! We hope Eric's high standards do not equate to Mikey [the kid who doesn't like anything] but we will not get our hopes up yet.

While editing DHD productions, Eric listened to our plans. When we spoke of work with Steve Chase of the Lee Network in mutual promotions [including promoting his new girl friend] LTR Guy Eric asked, despite Steve's official down playing his rep as a Player: So who's his girl friend these days? --Can we print that? Sure. --Can we attribute it? Sure.

Eric DID say he LIKED meeting last Thursday with our affiliate Robert Sterling of the now dormant www.konformist.com and now with www.disinfo.com. Please check out Robert's masterpiece today Tuesday for disinfo on the Napster Metallica suit. We think Robert the only serious LA porn journalist even CLOSE to Luke. Robert also confirmed Luke's observation of Steve's No Show at Erotica LA. Steve's lame excuse: MONEY.

Are you reading this, Jenna Jameson? Start teasing your agent BIG TIME.

Robert also spoke of unethical sneaky tricks by a BIG TIME LA PORN DIRECTOR and PRODUCER. We have NEVER HEARD of such a thing before; but we think LUKE may have. Robert's studly work on the music story got us to dig up new info on Rock-Porn connections. Someone who SHOULD KNOW strongly hinted at a second cover for Janine Lindemulder on a hot new Blink 182 album.

Lexus Locklear and Shane are dating guys from Orgy, and Raylene is dating some body from some band that nobody remembers.

We hope Luke comes with us to the mp3 convention June 20 & 21 in San Diego. He may even see some porn chix.

Shanefan: Shane is married to the drummer for Orgy. They have one kid and another on the way. As far as Lexus and Raylene goes....who knows! Shane is the queen so who really cares! :)

Poison: When Jill Kelly's site will be back up? Don't get me wrong Hotel Babes is great, but i'm getting a bit bored with it.

Toshi Gold: jill will be living there soon--how could some one be bored with 10 rooms of sex all the time and a variety of people and free chat?

Andy Edmond - Messiah or Very Naught Boy?

Warning: The following report was written while under the influence of hallucinogenic drugs prescribed by Andy Edmond's Lycaeum.org.

Cybernet Expo in New Orleans this past weekend was great say net porners. Every major player but Ron Levi was there.

It's a period of consolidation for the business. Lots of people, including about five of the biggest companies, want to sell.

Former YNOT marketing director Kevin Blatt is now president of Sundown Media. His partner is Jeff Miller, one of the oldest content providers around with Lee Noga.

Kev's gonna be the next Don LePree of the adult late night TV circuit. He'll be doing infomercials putting together adult webmasters around the world. He'll conduct hotel seminars every week. Learn how to be in your own business and be autonomous.

The Australian financial backer for this venture, the silent partner, DJ, has unlimited capital. He'll raise eyebrows with the biggest net porners like JoeE and RB because of his ability to raise money. Dave Cummings will be a content provider and spokesperson for Sundown. Also look for other deals with Viagra, Mature Money...

XXX: Andy Edmond, owner of SexTracker and YNOT, got his ass ripped out at the convention like you've never seen. The child pornography issue is a real hot potato. Some of the big pornographers love it, some hate it, some can take it or leave it. The net porners can't find consensus on how to deal with it.

"Who's to say that a 14-year old girl's split beaver is any less valid a form of free speech than a Jane Austin novel," says one publisher.

Andy sat on a board with a bunch of child pornography people like Mark Ishikawa of BayTSP along with Raw Alex and Greg Geelan, YNOT president/joke, Alec Helmy and Steve, the Jew lawyer.

It started off with Andy talking about what he was doing with child pornography. How close he's working with government agencies like the FBI. When he reports child porn sites, government agencies are telling him not to do anything. Leave them up there. And follow their progress. Which is not the right way of combatting it. You've got to get these guys out of there.

Andy just keeps talking and talking about what he's doing. And talking, never giving a yes or no answer to anything. Just talking and promoting himself. So Lee Noga gets to the microphone and she's pissed. She says, how dare you stand in front of us and call yourself the Messiah. Are you Jesus Christ?

You say you will destroy this temple and rebuild it in three days. Blasphemy! Who do you think you are?

Then Andy replied in a quiet but firm voice: I am the Christ, the son of the living God. None come to the father but through me... Foxes have holes and birds have nests but the Son of Man, me, has no place to lay his head.

And with that he unwound his massive jetblack 14-inch member and laid it on the table to gasps of astonishment. Then Greg Geelan, YNOT president/joke, got down on his knees to better serve his employer. "Oh Andy, I believe. Help thou my unbelief."

Did this bother Lee Noga? Not one bit because she bats from the other side of the plate.

Lee says to Andy: Do you have some messianic complex? Are you the Messiah or are you just a very naughty boy?

Then everybody put their arms around each other and started swaying back and forth to this catchy little number:

Andy Edmond,
Superstar
Who in the hell
Do you think you are?

There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Then the three men I admire most, the father, son and the holy ghost, all took the last train to the coast, the day, the music died.

Lee Noga: Andy, how can you preach against child pornography when the number 54 is a kiddie porn site.

The looks on the faces.

Steve, the putative Jew lawyer, said, let her go. What you resist, persists. She's like a fire, let her burn out.

By this point, the light is dancing off Lee's gold chains. And into the room came 144 angels singing "Holy, holy, holy is the lamb of God." It was not your father's porn net convention, let me tell you.

But Lee didn't burn out. She charges the podium and gets in Andy's face off the microphone. "Who gives you the right to work with these governmental agencies? What do these agencies think of you? Aren't you the owner of a drug site called Lycaeum.org? Don't you support the legalization of drugs, including hallucinogenic drugs? And he says yes.

Then Andy offered her some pills. "Take, eat, this is my body which I shed for the sins of the world."

This is all on tape. Captured on video. It will probably get streamed on www.d-moneyshow.com.

Everybody started singing, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds...

President Greg did not say a word. The Jew attorney was nudging him to keep his mouth shut. Stroking his knee and running his fingers through his tousled curls.

Andy: "Father, take this cup from me. But not my will but thine be done."

Edmond was sweating great drops of blood. And his disciples had all dropped away from him, leaving him in Gethsamenee alone.

Andy: "I'm bleeding. Will somebody please stop the bleeding?"

Then Andy turned to one of his disciples who'd denied him thrice when the cock crowed.

"Thanks a lot," said Andy. "You could've stopped the bleeding. You could've put the tourniquet on. But you did nothing but pull your pud."

Then on the site Topniche.com, Colin from Wasteland got in Andy's face, and used some choice language which would not be appropriate to repeat in a family website like this one.

Colin: "Andy, what is that red stuff on your face? That must be from where you got bitch slapped."

YYY: JoeE and RB threw a phenomenal party with Cybererotica and Igallery at a strip club called Temptations. Beautiful booze, women overflowing...

The Highrise crew threw a killer party at a bed and breakfast. Every player in the industry was there. It was an invitation only party and Edmond got refused entry at the door.

A bunch of people got on this bus thinking it was going to a strip club. But it went to this party. Andy walks up to the door and sees Mike from Amateur Index. Mike says, this is a private party. You guys do not have tickets. You can't come in.

Andy sticks out his hand. Hi, you obviously don't know who I am. I'm Andy Edmond from SexTracker.

Mike: I know who you are, get out of here.

Luke: Why were people being so mean to Andy?

YYY: I think this weekend he learned a very valuable lesson. That he doesn't have as many friends as he thinks he has. Everywhere they went, the Edmonds would be in a corner by themselves wearing sunglasses like they were f---ed up. Just a weird vibe.

Just some crazy parties with girls kissing girls and guys kissing girls. But what blew everyone away was when CENCash and Maxcash were spotted making out with each other in the corner. Unbelievable! Maybe pornography does lead to perversion.

Major webmasters getting down, getting drunk and puking all over the place. It was fun.

I am dying now though. Haven't slept in five days. Just partying and drinking.

The AVNers were there - Stacey Boyd, Jennifer Rosenblatt... Good people. Jen got cozy in the corner of a strip club with Darren Blatt.

Great speakers and great seminars. Darren Blatt was phenomenal speaking about marketing.

Luke: "What's the outlook for the profitability of the industry?"

Hymie: "It is going to get bigger and better. Everybody is worried that the sky is falling with the credit card processing. The biggest net porners are working on programs to provide debit cards and bank wires instead of CCs. Porn has always found a way to reinvent itself. Porn is bigger than all of us. No matter what, you're never going to get rid of sex.

JT, SexTracker.com's PR man, had a different spin on events. All that and more when Luke next pulls his finger out.

A Declaration of War

Aghast seethes: Brother Terry, This is a declaration of WAR! My humiliation at the Mondo Family shunning of me at LA Erotica has not left me not bitter or broken, but energized and emboldened! The time for apology has passed. The time for my sweet revenge is at hand. Brother Terry, the last laugh will be mine.

What you do not know is that I did in fact make it to the convention in the closing hours of Sunday. How? Fate was with me at LAX as I saw the Astroglide delivery trailer parked nearby. I instinctively knew that it was on its way to replenish LA Erotica so I lashed myself to the undercarriage of the semi. Once smuggled inside the Staples Arena I stealthily avoided the Camp Erotica girls knowing full well that any one of their breasts alone could easily kick my wimpy little ass. While Rikki, Maren, and sweet little KiKi were busily signing ad slicks for their smut hungry fans I lured your precious little contract star, Mr. James Long, away with a clever trail of McDonalds 39-cent cheeseburgers. He is my hostage, Brother Terry! How ya like me now?

Do not worry. He is being well cared for. He has a warm, dry, well ventilated place to sleep and seven square meals a day. He will be released unharmed into the wild as soon as he completes the filming of MY new "mutant porn" epic, "The Last Temptation of Countess Recula"! Mr. Long portrays the Dark Angel, Satan, himself in this celebration of gross obesity and rank depravity.

What ultra-repulsive sexual act does "Last Temptation" contain that would gag even Max Hardcore? Ritual blood orgy? Boring! Urinating midgets? Been done! Savage hot dog into vagina abuse of Maren Beautte? Z Z Z Z Z Z ! Vomit? Old hat! I do not want to fully give away my secret weapon, that will most assuredly snatch the XRCO "Worst Film of the Year" award away from Mondo, but I will give you a little three word clue: Colostomy . . . Bag . . . Facial ! It will make your pathetic "Vomitorium" look like "The Wizard of OZ"!

You have been bested at your own game, Brother Terry. Aghast can out gross you in his sleep. Remember! YOU f--- WITH THE BULL. YOU GET THE HORNS! See you at XRCO 2000, Bitch!

Chris Mann Won't Let Me Meet You Guys

Lynne writes the good people at Good Vibrations, a woman friendly porn operation in San Francisco:

Dear Down There/Good Vibrations:

[Video Team owner and putative non-Jew] Chris Mann has done his best over the past ten years to make sure I never meet you guys. I almost met Carol in Sacramento at the recent Free Speech event, but got tossed out of day two over my relationship with my writing partner, Luke F-rd.

Although I've been in porn for twenty-five years now, I have a fairly low profile, both from choice, and because Adult Video News does not care for my perspective on sex. I began appearing on l-keford.com as a news item during the production of my last movie, primarily because Luke was feuding with AVN and I was willing to help him. Eventually I was writing regularly for him, and we evolved a personal relationship.

During the last six months, Luke has done something which is pretty revolutionary for a MAN with a porn-centered website. We have discussed not only our evolving relationship, but I regularly go up against sexist, ageist and other male "quirks" which interfere with a fulfilling sexuality. The readers, who are mostly men looking for news about porn, are regularly exposed to the views of a real woman (me) about subjects like blow jobs, extramarital sex or female body hair. To Luke's credit, when I out-argue the guys, he lets me have the last word.

I've gone back to school after all these years in porn to study veterinary technology, but plan to remain in touch with the business through Luke's site. I'm planning to devote my between-term break this week and next to writing -- editing, actually -- a book on women directors in porn, based on the masses of material Luke has gathered over the past few years. (He's got the material for at least a dozen books already archived and, as his site is consistently among the top 7,000 according to Netscape, he's got the audience as well).

Would you be interested in a book about women porno directors? I'm thinking the usual -- Nina, Candida, Veronica Hart, as well as looking for a few more (Shane, Ona, & ?).

Also on that line, I myself have directed and produced five adult videos. Two of them I would think would be of special interest to you, and I am surprised that you are not carrying them. The first is "Indigo Moods," a couples video for people of color, which belongs to Adam & Eve. The second, "Little White Lies," is from VCA and has a couple of women who are "older" than the usual porn starlet in featured roles. Both tapes were dismissed by AVN with one line reviews, which didn't mention that these videos were designed to appeal to couples. All the women in both movies have natural breasts.

Anyway, I would be flattered by your interest, as I am familiar with your organization and the high criteria you have for selecting product. I look forward to hearing from you about the tapes or the book project.

Will Chaim Amalek Give Luke Audio Text?

Luke: Dear Chaim, will you appear by phone on my TV show June 20th?

Chaim: Please describe your show, where it will appear, what it will discuss, how long it will be etc. Also, that is smack dab in the middle of the work day of the work week. And what if Mossad or the ADL or even the National Alliance are listening in? Could get dicey for am-amalek. Considering that rather than pimp for me during my visit to LA, you instead sent me to the Museum of Tolerance, I will really have to think about this one. Why not ask Dennis Praeger or Kendra Jade - each far better known than I, and of greater interest to the general audience?

If I agree to this, can you fix it so Danni dumps her SO and agrees to be my concubine for a weekend? Who else will be on? Shouldn't I do Letterman or Leno first?

But the real problem is if I really exist or not. I mean, Chaim Amalek did not even fall for Kendra - Bait, so perhaps he is merely your alter-ego. Once he appears in a forum with you, certain quantum-mechanical effects would begin to tear at the fabric of space and time.

Actually, Chaim Amalek has always weighed about 450 pounds, and requires the use of a broom handle to roll out of bed. (Did you ever see that Monty Python flick "The Meaning of Life"? Remember the big fat guy towards the end who blows up? I look like that, only much shorter, and more semitic. Remember?)

What do you weigh? When NJG was calling you a big man, was she being complementary?

Luke: I weigh 155 pounds on a 6' frame.

Chaim: Kozmo.com. An internet delivery service. They will deliver whatever your heart desires, right to your door. Krispie Kream donuts, coca cola, sturgeon, videos, Wheat Czechs, clean underwear, you name it, they can deliver it.

NJG writes: "And, I just have to say to Chaim that Kendra is my friend, and I know for a fact that you are living in fantasy land with your fantasy thing with KJ."

I simply refuse to believe what you are saying. Kendra has a life apart from your obsessive interest in her's, agreed? Please leave us alone.

"What I don't understand Chaim is that if you were really a mensch rather than a mouse you would call her and arrange a date with her"

Who says I did not? Anyway, you must bear in mind that it is not easy for me to get out, as my super's addition of another coat of paint to the walls of the narrow corridor leading to my apartment (which I hasten to add I did not call for) has made it very difficult for me to pass my frame through the now reduced available space without smearing paint on my clothes. Thank God for Kozmo.com.

"That she even agreed to see you at all is amazing, if this is indeed true. I know most women would not."

And how do you "know" that most women would not? You do not know me, girl. You know what they say about black men - "once you go black, you never go back" - well, it holds true in spades for Chaim Amalek. I just cannot make it rhyme.

By the way Luke, be a good jew and put this Heather Banker chick out of her misery before she hurts herself. I am sure that with her many talents, there is a job waiting for her at Goldman Sachs that would pay just as well. (Seriously! Even the secretaries there make a mint! And there is much less chance of disease, too!)

Regarding CzechChick,does it not bother you that your web site is becoming a net-haven for e-trannies? (Quick! Somebody grab that domain name!) Apart from NJG and a few known porners, I am not convinced that ANY women are writing to you. But that's OK, you will always have the Men of Luke F-rd (an electronic mirror, eh?) to keep you company.

Luke F-rd, pretending to be Chaim Amalek pretending to be Luke F-rd pretending to be chaim amalek.

My DIVA, My Love & If only all porn featured Luke F-rd

Kaspar's cousin, Hector, sounds like a great find for you, Luke. Hire him immediately to serve the Hispanic community -- Mexican bus drivers are da bomb! He'll be able to cram thirty-two guests and a couple dozen chickens into a nine person van, and he'll decorate the dash with really cool pictures of bulls, saints and crimson fringe. Since this is porn, who needs words anyway? It's all in the pictures! "Mire, las bambas gigantes" transcends all language barriers! (Kaspar, no tengo la palabra por kidding, pero cuando estoy en Mazatlan, yo prefiero los sabalos. Son rapido, barato y tienen decoraciones de toros, santos y crimson fringe.)

Hey, former PDC, you've made me so very happy. I love it so when I'm told I can have Luke for my very own. I can manage him just fine -- I've yet to meet gay porn star with a work ethic, and I have no trouble handling DIVAS. I just treat them the way I'd like to be treated as a real gender female, and they're surprisingly happy! A little cooing, a little fussing, a fresh Ralph Lauren towel and they're putty in my hands.

You betray your ignorance, Artist FKAPDC -- there are no facials in gay porn. Gays don't understand why anyone would waste good splooge on their foreheads when swallowing is so much more fun! And, as to the vital measurement, I have it on good authority from my friend Thor that "an honest 5.5 is better than an imagined 9." Though he can't imagine why Luke would rather be my Princess than your bitch...

BRING ON THE BLOW JOBS, THE GANG BANGS, AND Luke F-rd...

Lynne writes: My dear late husband, Bruce, always said that all women were beautiful when they were having an orgasm. This is the kind of philosophy that got him laid, though he was neither beautiful nor rich. A smart man, my late husband. As an old biddy who not only got an "A" in her weight training class, but also managed to lift 280 lbs. on the Leg Press, I think I should speak out on behalf of those of us who are old but hardly worn out.

And as a pornographer, I would hate to see all female performers in sexually explicit material limited to that narrow range Pat Riley personally finds attractive, because sexual arousal is extremely personal, and we should be offended by Pat telling us to what we should respond. Some days I feel like hamburger, some days I feel like steak, and other days I'm craving fish.

To put the metaphor into Luke F-rd terms, even a strawberry smoothie gets boring day after day. Sometimes a banana smoothie makes an appealing change.

Pat says that he is "under the impression that the purpose of these movies was to entertain (or arouse) ME (emphasis added). Pat, you are wrong -- so very wrong. No one cares whether you are aroused or not. It's the rest of the audience pornographers need to reach. The audience who likes diversity in their sex choices. Your tastes alone do not a market make. I personally have no objections to males who want to screw teenagers, watermelons or sheep as long as they understand that I, too, have the same desires.

My lust for a younger man is far more socially objectionable than your grey-haired desire for a nubile nineteen-year-old. In fact, when I take my algebra classes this summer, I am looking forward to finding a young, Asian male tutor. He can teach me equations in exchange for blow jobs. Any objections?

My objection to men wanting younger women rather than their age peers is that men have a hard enough time taking care of their own bulls--- without taking on the responsibility of child brides. We older women (and I'm assuming we're talking about older women who keep themselves in good physical condition) have qualities that more than make up for an occasional wrinkle or age spot.

Thanks for the tip about those horny, young Russian men. I shall have to check that out. You see, older women prefer men who can keep it up all night, every night, and can f--- whenever the mood hits us. Old men are useless in bed. They have no stamina. Their erections are soft and weak. They'd rather sit on the porch in their rocking chairs, fantasizing about porn stars who wouldn't look at them twice, than pound me hard in every available orifice. Old men complain about their aching backs. Young men can f--- hanging from the ceiling. And so can I, for hours...

I notice that your definition of pornography from Webster's doesn't mention that porn is primarily intended only to arouse MEN. Could it be that porn might also arouse women? If so, perhaps Veronica Hart's work (and my own) is just fine. Good arousal material. Perhaps your perverted needs require specialty smut. Certainly your definition of "attractive" is extremely narrow.

Pat, unless you plan on personally purchasing 1,200 copies of every video that meets your standards for attractive women, pornographers will have to make material that titillates the rest of the population. Sorry. By the way, all porn women "only want to work with certain guys." I've always tried to satisfy them -- it makes for better sex scenes. And it will probably surprise you to hear that, although I'm forty-four, I can't possibly f--- all the younger men who want a go at it. Luke would never get his site written -- he'd be spending all his time on his knees, constantly praying for my salvation.

Here's another surprise for you -- most of the women I meet outside the business, once they learn I'm a porn producer, confess -- they would love to watch porn, if only the videos weren't so stupid and the men weren't so ugly! (And when I show them pictures of Luke...)

Here's a few things Lynne would keep that Pat can't stand:

Huge tit movies (natural only, please, and I have no problem overlooking the big butts that usually go with 'em)
Facials, gooey, drippy and slurpy BJ movies (cocks are oh, so yummy!)
Movies with really old women, like Heatwave's "87 & Still Bangin'." Just to remind myself that 87 is old but 44 is prime, baby, and I'll prove it to any three of you youngsters who can keep it up for more than fifteen minutes.
Movies which show both men and women equally enjoying sex, aka feminist movies.
Gang bang movies where the women are in control.
Movies with condoms, as opposed to watching women contract STD's on screen (a real turn-off for me).
And then there's movies with pregnant women, which I adore (because I know how they got that way), movies with trannies (my dear, gender-dysphoric sisters) and of course, gay porn. Double the dick and no silicone tits.

Would it be one more surprise you to know, Pat, that I'd keep the kind of movies you like as well? I like seeing a young, inexperienced nympho slut being well plugged by Dave Hardman just as much as anything! In fact, I like sex in almost all its infinite variety. Even if I didn't -- even if I only wanted to see movies, straight or gay, featuring Luke F-rd -- doesn't mean I'd expect everyone to feel the same, and I would never denigrate someone whose taste differed....

D. Speaking of NJG, she said, "Why go out with Jewish women if you can't handle women being pushy?" And Luke, on top of that, you KNEW I was a movie producer, high achiever, et.al? What kind of Hollywood Jew ISN'T pushy! Keeps us on the boat and out of the gas chamber. Dave Hardman isn't Jewish. R U really Jewish, or just an SDA in sheep's clothing?

E. I now have three children. Sarah is eight and loves to climb trees and have adventures like Tarzan. Only she forgets that girls can't climb trees in dresses because boys will see their underwear. We climbed the tree in my front yard together. Michael, who is very bright and gets up to eat in the night. He's eleven, and had been hired to walk and exercise the dog when I'm out of town. The oldest one's name I don't know. He's going to community college, and taking writing this summer, and loves the Internet. Looks like Charles Starkweather, only brunette. Short. Eighteen.

F. R U familiar with the bathroom habits of Jewish Girls? Would you like an essay on the subject? I am too close to it to ever have noticed, but Bruce told me the story.

G. Read the New York Times Book Review on "A Natural History of Rape." Sounds half-baked from the research standpoint. But the Marquis de Sade really said it all. He and Wilde are two of my sexual heroes. (Also saw a book called "50 Best Jewish Films." R U familiar with it?

I don't like to think of you bulging out of your boxer shorts. (No sex pressure implied.) Take a walk. I'm going out to look at a bookcase. I'm drowning in boxes of books. My brother got the house at 8.8% and is very happy. He did good. I tell him. The biker patriarch, as opposed to your ethical system, said, "A casual f--- is no big deal, but anything more than that when someone's married is a problem."

What should I do, Luke, if someone says he'll marry me et. al. but I have to stop writing for l-keford.com?

Did you know there's a site called aussiemates.com? If I really want to live on a sheep ranch in Australia in three years...I might as well start now... It's the world's slowest website, I think. It gives me the choice of a zillion different places in Australia. Guess I better look at a map.

There are lots of guys in my age range, 35 to 45. Do you think I can hold my own against a typical Australian sheep rancher? Will I have to pack a knife in the house? I'm not looking for one of those guys who holds 'em down and shears 'em -- I'm looking for the ranch manager or owner, preferably a widower or divorced fellow with kids. Or even a vet -- that would be fun.

Of course, New Zealand would be even better. My sheep fetish dates back to 1986. It has to do with the anarchist analogy I often use, and with the feeling I get watching sheep grazing on the hillside. Meanwhile I am practising my Australian by having a dinner of beer and lamb chop. I contacted them cc you so you can make sure I do these things correctly (you ol' expert, you) and they let me register free.

After all, I am an old bid er extremely desirable woman, especially on a sheep ranch after I finish my vet tech certificate. At the very least, I will expect a trip to Australia out of it. Surely worth a blow job.

Curious writes: I loved Lynne's analogy between porn starlets and fruit smoothies. Yes, sometimes I too would prefer a banana smoothie instead of a strawberry smoothie, but never . . . I repeat NEVER . . . would I settle for a smoothie with "wild and untamed pubic hair"!

RTaylor: Luke, here's a copy of an e-mail sent to me from Heather Barron. This is how she responds to a simple e-mail.........if ask me,she's just another dumb porn bitch.

Respect This

In the name of Allah the Merciful: Asalom alekim! All of the problems that people disclose to you can be easily solved, I say to you. All that must be done is to obey the Word of God. Women of harlotry hear me, for I speak the Word: wear a burka or a chador, and obey the code of sharia. Marry, devote yourself to Allah and to making your husband a better muslim, and all will be well with your lives. Respect this!

Ishmael ibn Abu of Mecca, Medina, and al-Quds

Fred writes: Regarding Ishmael ibn Abu, I believe that ibn Abu is arabic for "son of father". I wander if this is Arabic for Smith or Jones.

Regarding the "of Mecca, Medina and Al-Quds", ask him if he has three different residences?

Regarding NJG's request to interview Mark Davis, can I interview Kendra for your web site?

Question For Chaim

Marc Putative writes: question for chaim: what do you think of the tendency for new gentile starlets to get groomed so that they can pass for ashkenazic jews? consider shannon elizabeth--of "american pie" fame, a movie infested with images of male jewish geekdom--who was on the howard stern and kathie lee shows today, and pointed out that she's an episcopalian from waco, texas. a similar background to jennifer love hewitt, who also tends to get tarted up to emphasize semitic characteristics. what ever happened to the ideal of the blonde shiksa goddess?--and i'm not just talkin' 'bout diane keaton/mia farrow/meg ryan. (or, for that matter, helen hunt, whose multi-faith marriage to jewish hank azaria is on the outs.) but among the rare movie starlets who doesn't give off that impression is rene zellweger, in that new jim carrey movie; and that's despite the surname, and her performance as a frustrated frumeh in "a price above rubies" (or whatever the hell it was called). an interesting role reversal of sorts could be found in the past couple seasons of "fraiser," however: amy brennerman had a recurring role as "faye moskowitz"--with even a menorah in her living room. but saul rubinek, too-jewish-for-hollywood if anyone ever has been, played a guy named donny douglas, who intended to get married in a church ...

Chaim: As with any institution, Hollywood is a reflection on and of the people who control it - jewish males who want shiksa wives, yet who also feel a bit guilty over abandoning the faith of their ancestors. Hence the Holocaust mania of the 80's and 90's, and the current effort to present jewish females in a more favorable light by using shiksas to portray them. (Sneaky, in so many ways!) Jewish men are to shiksas what black men are to blondes; genetically jewish women, like their Negroe cousins, are increasingly invisible.

As far as chickie goyetes trying to pass for jew to please the jewish masters of Hollywood, that is just a good career move. They can play both jew (see "Friends") and gentile. Not that there is anything really new in this - go back to the Zionist movies of the 50's and 60's, and you will see lots of hot shiksa actresses portraying jews. (E.g., Sophia Lauren in "Judith", the women who had major roles in "Exodus" etc.)

I read a good essay on the issue of intermarriage and jewish influence in media a while back, and how the two influence each other. Written by someone known on the web as "Yggdrasil" - the best polemicist on the extreme antisemitic right.

As an aside, you should get the - or at least, a - female jewish point of view on this. (Sorry, but for reasons that I need not go into, neither NJG nor LynneL count here.) The person you ought to contact to get the New York breeder Jewess point of view is Amy Sohn, who used to write a column for the New York Press and who has since joined the jewish media elite in Hollywood. (She might even have some pointers for you, Marc.)

Or just ask some jewesses you know how they feel about all this. Happy for jewish men who can snag a shiksa, or angry? Then, if you are feeling brave, ask some black women how they feel about NBA stars who marry white babes. There are lots of good articles that could be written about this stuff. Too bad none of them will ever see the light of day.

Goddess writes: Word is that your friend NJG is telling people I'm a guy, which is an out and out BOLD FACED LIE. I'd like to know, NJG, exactly what your so-called "proof" is? Is it because I'm not afraid to admit I ENJOY sex? Is it because I'm not afraid to admit I ENJOY having a man cum in my mouth? Or maybe it's because I LOVE to give head and I'm not even a porno chick?? I WAS BORN WITH A PUSSY BETWEEN MY LEGS, honey, and the last time I checked, it was STILL THERE. So, for the last time, get it through your head, I'm not a trannie and I sure as hell am NOT a guy. I might THINK like a guy, but the more I hear some women talk--you included, the more I realize that's a damn good quality to possess!

Chaim writes: Luke, the other day I said that it seemed unlikely that ANY women outside of the business were writing to you, and that those who claimed to be Y-free were e-trannies. I take it all back. (Not that there is anything wrong with being a transvestite or transgendered.)

Memo to MarcW: If you listened to Howard Stern this morning, you also heard him rant against Laura Schlesinger for being anti-gay. Since the stated source of her prejudice is the torah, is not the gay rights movement destined to wage war on torah-true judaism? Shouldn't gays be burning every chumash, every torah scroll that they can get their hands on, and should not the government seek to suppress the teaching of sexual morality from those sources, since they are incitements to hate crime? Is the gay rights movement good for the jews?

And speaking of antisemitism, are not Napster and similar software inherently antisemitic in effect? After all, these present a mortal threat to industries over which jews presently exert considerable influence; as they weaken their grip on these industries, they weaken jewish power and thus make it possible for antisemitism to rear its ugly head.

Is it merely coincidence that just a few months ago, the National Alliance purchased its own record label? (Yet another story for you to follow. See how Amalek does favors for jews? And YOU TOO J.D.! This is one story you can get away with doing even for Rolling Stone!)

PS I did mean "In Like Flynt" - as in the Austin Powers progenitor flick of that name that came out during the Johnson Administration (great days those were!). I was not referring to Larry Flynt, and I will not refer to Erol Flynn, as his politics were odious.