Friday, June 2nd, 2000
Luke's Porno Dilemma
Luke: I was asked today to do a sex scene with a very blonde and famous big breasted porn star (Angela Summers). Should I do it?
Chaim: What must you do in the scene, and what would you get paid? Personally, I would not have sex with her unless I were paid about $10,000 (Goddamn NASDAQ!), and even then only if she agreed to first undergo a comprehensive series of medical tests by MY doctor, and then only with a condom. And still, no exchange of saliva or other bodily fluids. Not even sweat. And I would get to wear a good face mask, so as not to become an object of derision among those whose respect I desire to keep.
Curious Counsels Luke: It is hard to advise you on the offer for you to do a sex scene with a "very blonde and famous" porn star. Since you will not reveal the lucky star's name so I can only counsel you in the following way:
If it is Terri Weigel ( she's blonde now you know ) Receive Oral Sex - YES, Perform Oral Sex - NO ( she's a prostitute for God's sake! ), Vaginal Sex - ( Yes, double condom ), Anal Sex - NO Other Notes: Definitely facial climax, a former Playboy Playmate deserves no less.
If it is Janine (maybe she's doing men now and wants to start off slow with you since you are practically a lesbian ) Receive Oral Sex - YES, Perform Oral Sex - YES and with gusto!, Vaginal Sex - Yes, Anal Sex - NO ( Come on Vince Neil's tongue's been in there. Gross! ) Other Notes: Blow your load on any of her garish tattoos.
If it is Juli Ashton ( it's possible she works with Greg Dark so she's used to the bizarre ) Receive Oral Sex - YES, Perform Oral Sex - YES, Vaginal Sex - YES, Anal Sex - YES, Other notes: Insist on good buddy, Curious, as you partner in Double Penetration. Please ;-)
If it is Nina Hartley ( is her hair platinum blonde or gray? ) Receive Oral Sex - NO!, Perform Oral Sex - NO!, Vaginal Sex - NO!, Anal Sex - NO!, Other notes: She's old enough to be your mother! Who are you Oedipus?
If it is Jenna Jameson ( there's only a 50% chance Ms. No Show will make it so insist on a high "Kill Fee") Receive Oral Sex - YES, Perform Oral Sex - YES, Vaginal Sex - YES, Anal Sex - YES, Other notes: Get her before Howard Stern does.
If it is Randy West ( he is blonde ) Receive Oral Sex - NO, Perform Oral Sex - NO, Vaginal Sex - Not Applicable, Receive Anal Sex - NO, Perform Anal Sex - NO Other notes: He is hung like a woman, but gay is gay.
CAUTION: Do not further sully the good name of the Ford family. USE A PSEUDONYM! ( That means fake name, schmuck ). Suggestions: Hugh G. Rection, Luke f---, Roscoe Ripchord, Menachem Cockum, Gene Ross, Jr.
Trouble in the House of Mondo
Aghast writes: Brother Terry, There is trouble in the house of Mondo. Rikki's mad at Dave Hardman. Ariel says the other chicks were ugly. KiKi's angry at the photographers. Mr. Long ate some tainted potato salad. Jeez! Countess Recula, the mistress of the blood orgy, herself never had it so bad!
Concerning Mr. Long and his exclusion from my Reverse Bukkake Punishment Gang Bang. I realize that in the Porn Valley a man can have sex with another man on video and still not be considered gay, but in my crazy, wacky, silly little way I still consider it GAY. Call it old fashioned. Call it homophobic. Sorry, Mr. Long may NOT bust a nut on my face. Even if I were gay do you really think he could locate his penis without a periscope? That gut is just enormous! He may, however, attend the after party at the Pioneer Chicken restaurant on Hollywood Boulevard.
In any case, the fragile relationship between Mondo's Angels is deteriorating rapidly. Ariel is pissing everybody off with her conceited interview comments. Rikki, Maren and sweet little Kiki must be avenged! My transgression deserves swift action. We must execute the Reverse Bukkake ASAP. Remember: Justice Delayed Is Justice Denied!
ps If I said Janine's tattoos were ugly do you think Steve Hirsch would send over a few Vivid girls to the bukkake?
Brother Terry writes:
We've got Trouble,
Right here in Mondo city,
With a capitol T
And that rhymes with B
And that stands for Bukkake!
Aghast, I just discussed your proposal with Mr. Long, and when I mentioned the words Pioneer Chicken, his eyes lit up even brighter than when I told him about the Reverse Bukkake. In fact, he couldn't wait for the wrap party, and I had to drive him over to the nearest Pioneer Chicken that instant.The entire drive there, he kept saying "Chic-chic-chic-chic-CHICKEN!!!" over and over, ad nauseum. He is there right now, quite happy, humming a happy tune to himself. So I guess you're off the hook, for now.
Oh, B.T.W., the Mondo Family AND the Camp Erotics Girls are going to be at the Erotica L.A. convention tomorrow. Aghast, you might want to show up to meet your future co-stars. I personally feel scenes are better when the actors know one another. And to that fine young man, Halitosis, who wanted to know where to find the Mondo Family on the internet, it's easy! Just go to: www.mondofamilyfilms.com Once there you can view lots of pix of our fine and wholesome movies, learn about the many Mondo Family members, see heart warming photos our dogs, experience the Mondo Video store in Hollywood and of course there are several pages devoted to Rocketboy. And it's all free, little fellow! W.W.J.D. Brother Terry
Angela Summers
Angela called from the CybernetExpo in New Orleans Friday afternoon, using Mike South's cell phone.
Angela: "I'm so bummed that I am not coming out to the Erotica LA show and I am here at this boring cyber show. Where did you get a blowjob? At the synagogue?"
Luke: "It's just a rumor."
Angela: "Post it anyway. Mike and I were talking about you... Mike has everyone's number on his phone...
"I've been featuring in different places..."
Mike: "I like these internet shows. You're going to Erotica LA where they will have porn stars and all that but you're not going to have parties where they perform live sex and feed you good food. Open bar. These people are making money."
Angela: "I was peeling grapes for Mike all night while I massaged his shoulders. The girls at this show are real nice..."
Mike: "This is a small show. It's kinda lame. But net girls have a different attitude. They'll do anything with anybody so long as they can netcast it."
Goddess writes: Mmmmmm, Angela Summers was peeling grapes all night
while she was massaging Mike South's SHOULDERS?! If I was Angela,
I'da been massaging a lot MORE than his shoulders....
Ariel From Camp Erotica
Here's the rest of my Thursday interview with Ariel.
Ariel: "You have to let people know that we're tested every 30 days. STD testing is basically a mandatory thing as well."
Luke: "Really?"
Ariel: "Oh definitely. A lot of companies now will have you get the entire gambit... The complete STD screening and any medical examination that you need. I go to my own family physician... I had to explain to him why I needed to have a DNA test done every 30 days. I get the entire screening - syphillis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, hepatitis, everything... A lot of the companies want you to have something that shows in the last six months that you've been tested for STDs. And a lot of the internet companies that want you to do solo stuff, or girl-girl, they want to know that you are clean. You can bleach the toys but if you have syphilis, gonorrhea or hepatitis, bleach doesn't kill it."
Luke: "Does your family know about your adult work?"
Ariel: "No. I'm sure that it wouldn't shock them too extremely because I've always been a very outgoing outward sexual type of person. I've been an exotic dancer since I was 18. There are certain things you can't hide. You have all these skimpy outfits. I used to oil wrestle. When you're 18 and you're covered in oil, it is hard to explain that away.
"I was out of the house at 17 anyways... I went back and forth from an abusive relationship. I'm sure it would bother them but I don't think it would shock them."
Luke: "How about friends from high school?"
Ariel: "I have a couple of friends who know what I do and they're fine with it. Especially the guys, they think it is cool. I've always had a hard time keeping female friends because I've always looked different from everyone else and I've always oozed sexuality without trying. The female friends I do have, they're ok with it. They have their indifferences about it in the back of their minds that they don't say to me, but outwardly they've never said anything to offend me or to make me feel like I was doing anything wrong. What they say behind my back, I don't know.
LF.com Contributor Busted By Business Week
Business Week writes about Inside.com: "Better editing wouldn't hurt, either. Take Marc Putative's May 30 article on Shift magazine's impending move into e-commerce. Putative not only draws a dubious comparison between the obscure Canadian publication and Martha Stewart's empire but he also fails to analyze the motivation for the magazine's move into selling products that it profiles. Add to that confusing quotes, such as one calling the "agenda" a "little too 1997 to get hyped about." Excuse me, but what was so special about 1997? It becomes clear fast that even inside dirt has to have some context to be palatable. And given the talent of Inside's staff, readers come to the site expecting a higher level of analysis or access than at the typical media site. Then again, insiders know that access can depend as much on the publication as the person."
Here's an excerpt:
1. What are you up to now?
KENDRA JADE: I am on a cross country adventure with my girlfriend, checking out a whole bunch of concerts, stripping all the time and taking some time off from porn. I am shooting a real movie "she came from outer space" beginning mid-June, and hangin out a whole bunch with the DINER JUNKIES (www.dinerjunkies.com).
2. Rumor has it you finally f---ed Sebastian Bach after his House Of Blues show in LA. Is this true? Did it live up to your expectations and how did he treat you afterwards?
KENDRA: WOW! You guys just know all-tell all, huh? This was not the first time I met Bas. Actually, I have loved him for about 10 years. Last year he had me onstage half-naked at the Whiskey a go-go, and this time he played a few LA shows, which meant that he was in town for like , a week. And during that week he went out of his way to make sure that i was hangin out and having a good time, being that he knows i WAS a huge fan. Of course that was only that week. He hasn't really called or written me back since. Although i know you guys have your beef with Bas, I have to say he treated me (at that time) wonderfully. I think he is a decent guy (and i know I'm gonna get a lot of slack for this)...but seemed genuine. He just doesn't sugar coat things the way many other people do, he tells it like it is. But also, he is just a real human with real feelings and I wish him nothing but the best.
9. What's up with all the piercings you have? Did you lose a bet or something when you got your upper chest pierced?
KJ: If I weren't in this biz, I would be pierced and tattooed from head to toe!! Actually, the diner junkies were in town a couple weeks ago so I took them to get inked, too!! PS. I think the neck piercing was very cool and I might even do it again. :)
10. What's the scoop between you and Chaim Amalek?
KJ: He's some obsessed stalker who write his fantasies about me to l-keford.com. I've never even talked to him.
20. Which of the following guys have you banged? Either answer yes or no, and if you answer yes, please rate the person performance on a scale of 1 to 10. 1 being a dead f--- and 10 being the bomb.
KJ: OHMIGOD...what have I gotten myself into.....i guess I'll just have to be technical here. You still asked the wrong questions.hehehehe does oral sex count? if I gave or recieved? what if he was too drunk to get it up? What if you asked about the wrong member of the band?
Taime Downe = Taime is a great friend, never f---ed. I told him I would have his baby. I don't think he's gonna take me up on it :)
Howard Stern = nope, would love to
Jani Lane = nope, would have loved to 10 years ago
Marilyn Manson = nope, but would in a second
Phil Lewis = nope. my Mom would kill me. She loves Philip. We had dinner with him one night and then I start getting all these emails from his wife and others on some gossip board. its crazy how stuff gets twisted.
Jizzy Pearl = nope. met him backstage at the Poison/La Guns/Ratt/ great white tour. Don't think he liked me much.
Luke F-rd = no
Luke replies: Luke, please do not publish this (I know you won't). I do not want to name names, as it is best that this die quietly quickly, but what does it mean when a woman a man has been intimate with denies, in a public forum, that the two have never Biblically known one another? My heart aches.
25. Which do you prefer:
Luke F-rd or Howard Stern = Howard is the man, there is no equal
Luke: Here is the Metal-sludge.com Email of the Week:
Okay Kendra Jade left a lot of the Sebitchian story out....I know because I was there the entire time.
First of all Sebitchian personally invites Kendra Jade to his LA shows as they had been corresponding through email for months. The first evening goes OKAY at first. He was cool enough, hanging in his dressing room, partying with everyone and just being the cool rockstar that he thinks he is. Oh and when Kendra enters the room he announces quite loudly to everyone that this is Kendra Jade!!! The one that was with Jerry Springer and how she has loved him for 10 years and she ROCKS and is so cool! Everyone hangs in the dressing room for a while.
The party then moves to the bus, which is where Whit Crane shows up. On the bus Sebitchian's attitude changes frequently. He almost beats up Kendra's friend!! Sebitchian hasn't let Kendra out of his site, holding onto her, kissing her, calling her my girl, and then proceeds to tell Kendra but ya gotta be quiet cause I'm married! Well, Kendra's friend says something about that being Lame and Sebitchian flips on the poor girl!! Stands up pulls the beer away from her, puts his nose against hers and is screaming in her face about calling him lame and to stop drinking his beer and get the f**k off his bus. Kendra says "come on were leaving " to her friend...and suddenly his whole attitude changes. I was scared for her but somehow the girl stood her ground and funny enough got Sebitchian to totally calm down by telling him how wrong she was, and how sorry she was! All you gotta do is kiss his ass and he's fine! So he gives Kendra's friend another beer, gives her a hug and all is fine!!! (Jeckyll and Hyde by the way is a perfect part for the wackjob).
So now the party moves to the hotel room at the Roosevelt. On the way there Sebitchian makes Kendra put the bong in her purse (I don't think she even smokes weed!) and it spills all over everything....he doesn't even apologize! I would have been pissed! The party consists of Sebitchian and Kendra, Whit and Kendra's friend, me and my friend, and like one or two other girls. Sebitchian is referring to all of us as "chicks" all night except for "his girl." He refused to call any of the other females there by name except for Kendra and I think one of the other girls was there from a record label! He treated her as bad as everyone else.....course I don't think he knew her occupation until the end of the night/morning! So the party goes on, tons of drinking, tons of weed, some of his other band mates wander in and out. Sebitchian is totally on Kendra all night! Calling her his girl Kendra and his sweetie and doesn't want her to even leave the room to get ice!! When she offers he says no way! And how she has to fly out to a bunch of shows and how she is so cool and so hot and on and on and on! It was almost sickening, well I guess it was cool for her. He also smashes in the refrigerator in the hotel cause the beer was gone...
Lue: You can get the full details at www.metal-sludge.com.
Kendra Jade writes Luke: "Luke: Have you had sex with Kendra yet? Doesn't she give great head. The absolute best."
I HATE YOU FOR WRITING THAT LUKE YOU f---ING ASSHOLE!!
And to chaim- actually to you and chaim,lukey GO f--- YOURSELVES. im not playing your stupid little games anymore.say whatever you want., i could care less.goodnight and good riddance.
Brian writes Luke: Kendra is a real Rock Whore...She used to f--- a guy in a band called Tuff that I managed, ask her about Stevie Rachelle...
Louis Scorbick: Luke - You're telling me Kenda Jade wasn't an incredible piece of ass in the sack??? You told me that porn stars "don't do it for you", well s--- man, that girl does it for me!!! Those pics were HOT!!! She is sexy, funny, ball of insanity, I'd love to sink my teeth into... Tell KJ I'm not a rock star, but if she comes to NYC I'll treat her like a princess...
Luke: Louis, sex outside a committed monogamous relationship sanctified by the Torah just holds no attraction to me. I'm not an old liberal lech like Chaim Amalek.
Sopornos 2
Hey Lukey, JimmyD here. Long time no talk to. Thought I'd let you know that the sequel to "The Sopornos" is tentatively scheduled to commence June 23 for VCA Platinum. Some of the original cast will be back. Jewel DeNyle will star. The rest of the femme cast is still up in the air. Rob, of course, will reprise his role as Bobby Soporno, and Herschel will be back as Victor Soporno. We'll be shooting a lot of extra footage for the DVD. I'll be doing a cameo as a deranged director whose in heavy debt to the mob (typecast?) We've just released "PLAID" on DVD, and I've nearly completed "PLAID2: Phys. Ed." (make that, Jizz Ed.). "PLAID2" will be coming out from Avalon on cassette in and around VSDA, with a DVD to follow.
Teri Weigel
JL writes: Luke, i recently emailed Teri Weigel asking if she was going to work again at The Bunny Ranch. She emiled me back - NO (her capitals). However, she would be working at home with customers for $1500 for 30 minutes. The gimmck is that the customers will be producers -hence, no prostitution. She would also be working like this when she is on the road. Oh, by the way, for each 15 minutes after the first 30 you only pay $500. What a bargain.
Camp Erotica Girls
Ricki Lixx writes: Hi there Luke! Just wanted to tell Dave Hardman to kiss my ASS!
Ariel writes: In response to the interview i gave, i need to clarify a couple of things...In response to Mondo Video, i have always been treated wonderfully by the cast and crew..The only issue that i had was the pictures that were submitted to the site. Terry explained that the pics that were submitted were taken by different cameras and flash and etc. was not used...Im sure that the pics that Titus took are and will be of a better quality and will show that all of the girls on the set were beautiful.. I've loved working with mondo video, and i apologize to all of the family if anything i said offended or hurt them in any way..This is one of thee most comfortable and on the ball companies that i have ever worked for...They take the time to script their movies and put a story line along with sex...Im sure that for all of us girls, it was mainly a concern of other producers or directors seeing the low lighting of the pics and some of the comments made about us would hinder us in future work with other companies....Of course any company that makes a movie, porno or mainstream intends to profit from their venture. Also the talent hopes that they are presented in a way that makes them attractive to other companies, in hopes of getting more work from their films...Once again i apologize to the mondo family and any of the talent that may have been hurt or upset by any of the comments that were made.. I do by no means feel that working with Mondo lowers my standards...I wish more companies would treat their talent with the friendship and respect that they give to their talent.
Brother Terry writes: Aghast, Do you know how disappointed James Long will be when he hears this news. You should have seen his eyes lit up when I first told him about the reverse Bukkake. He even did a little dance, repeating the word "Bukkake" over and over in a sing-songy way. Aghast, wont you PLEASE reconsider your position on this matter. No one in the Mondo Family wants to be the one to break this bad news to Mr. Long, we know it will break his little heart. He has been looking forward to busting a nut on your face ever since we hatched the Reverse Bukkake scheme, and to take that dream away from him now, well, I'm afraid it could kill him. Please, Sir, do not crush the dreams of this fine and decent human being. Step up to the plate and do what's right, Soldier! Show us what you're made of! W.W.J.D., Brother Terry.
Halitosis writes: I've been hearing that you may be singing the opening song and that older gruff but lovable Gene Ross (www.GeneRoss.com) will be singing the credits for this new "Camp Erotica" movie. I think the ladies are beautiful.
The photos from "Camp Erotica" on your site seem to have the real Francis Lurid in them. I remember reading an old People magazine that told how he was in a fairly serious farming accident while visiting Brian Keith's farm in Utah. He had some pretty bad leg damages. I guess if this is the REAL Francis Lurid that he would have some type of scar or something leftover from it. If it's the REAL Francis Lurid seeing those scars or evidence of an injury would be proof enough for me.
This sounds like a great movie indeed. What is the web site address for the company that made it?
I also heard that one of my future wives Amber Lynn will be at the AIM Healthcare booth this weekend at LA-Erotica. I plan on giving her one of the wedding rings I have been saving. I hope to see my other future brides there as well - Misty Rain, Tiffany Mynx, Stephanie Swift, Coral Sands, Tabitha Stevens and of course Alexandra Silk. Let's see that means I will need to bring eight rings. Fortunately my friend Saul that works in the downtown diamond district got me a great package deal. (I have two rings leftover in case on of the ladies backs out. Please, don't post that)
You be nice Mr. Luke F-rd. I will be watching you this weekend and reading this column so be real careful.
Asians
Christian writes: loved reading about all the porn star bios, but you are missing so many of the hottest Asian performers-Mia Smiles, Leanni Lei, Suzi Suzuki, the scores of one- and short-timers who have worked with Ed Powers and Don Fernando, to name a few. I don't even care about all of these stupid Barbies! Also lacking was any coverage of the complete lack of Asian male performers in your racism article. They are the only segment of the population which has absolutely no representation in American porn. I've seen enough Japanese porn to know that not all of them have tiny dicks, some are hung like horses! There are other reasons for this-the american consumer can look at the Black male as a "stud" but sees asian males as highly suspicious, dangerous individuals-these are not mandingoes, they are mandarins. I'm a pretty open-minded white guy with a severe asian fetish and even I must admit that I feel better watching Ed Powers f--- some little Asian chick than watching a Japanese actor, who is somewhat threatening to me, obviously having a greater "birthright" to this kind of girl which I so desperately crave. Can you get contact info on Annabel Chong? She is the greatest of all porno stars, IMHO, and she deserves more credit.
Asia Carrera, Teri Weigel, Heather Barron
Concerned writes: Last week you ran some Asia Carrera pro-porn propaganda crap and I almost choked. "The industry spoils us girls." What she failed to mention was that the "us girls" is the less than 1% of porn starlets who actually achieve the coveted contract girl status. They may get the VIP treatment and make enough to live comfortably, but the decline is inescapable!
Look at the Terri Weigel story. She starts out in the most wholesome of porn organizations, Playboy. She's a Playmate. She's works for Playboy Enterprises in their traveling reviews seeing the world. She makes minor appearances in main stream TV and film. Then SCREECH! The bus to fame and fortune gets a flat tire. She drifts into porn. Her beauty and Playboy notoriety immediately elevates her to the Asia Carrera "Us Girls" level of porn. Her newness eventually wears off. She amps up her breasts to circus-like proportions. The newness of her colossal tits wears off. She whores at the Bunny Ranch. She appears in freak shows of misogyny like American Bukkake #9. Gene Ross said yesterday that she is doing her very first piss fetish video now. How much lower can she sink? Tune in next week.
Now look at Heather Barron, the 31? year old former Boston banker with four children. She sees the pro-porn propaganda like Asia's and thinks this is an easy way to make money and to quench her desire for fame. She imagines herself on the box cover of some major Vivid epic not on the back of the box of Interracial Fellatio #47. She thinks she'll be guest hosting an E! Entertainment TV Special: Wild on the Riviera not starring posthumously on the E! True Hollywood Story: The Fall of Heather Barron. She hopes she'll be socializing at the Playboy Mansion with Scott Baio not sitting in the lobby of the Bunny Ranch with Emmett. Yesterday some moron wrote into Gene Ross wishing Ms. Barron good luck in her pursuit of porno fame. Christ! Isn't that like looking up at her on a building ledge and yelling, "JUMP!"?
Luke, keep shining the light on the filthy corners of the porn industry. Heather Barron please go back to Boston, Terri Weigel please regain your human dignity and Asia Carrera please . . . SHUT THE f--- UP!
Hymie writes Luke: Luke, about John Bowen, Mark Carriere, Jim South (Soutar), Regan Senter, et al, exploiting the vulnerable, stupid, etc. and that still didn't absolve them. Good points...however, I know first hand that some of these women that found their way to porn, despite their troubles, did NOT have issues with their body parts. Some were perfectly happy with their bodies until some of these guys manipulated them and managed to make them feel bad even about that. It is so constant and so overwhelming that it breaks down even those with strong self-esteem in that area.
To the person who mentioned Asia Carrera's "exciting life" as described in her bulletins on her website. He said he assumed it was true. You assume too much sir, much of Ms. Carrera's story and day to day life is pure fabrication. The saddest part of all, she now believes it herself. She is very bright, just not quite what she claims.
Luke Gets Mail
Chaim Amalek writes: Luke, please do not publish this (I know you won't). I do not want to name names, as it is best that this die quietly quickly, but what does it mean when a woman a man has been intimate with denies, in a public forum, that the two have ever even spoken to one another? My heart aches.
Goddess: They want you to make your site more "readable??" We're talkin' about tits, pussy, and ass, for Pete's sake. Is it possible to dumb it down anymore than it already is?
Lynne: You owe it to your adopted religion to share a lot more with me on the subject of Judaism. I am interested in your Judaism because I admire your intellect and therefore respect your opinions a lot more than those of most people. As a third generation secular Jew (being Russian in the 1950's here in commie-hating America didn't help my family pass on their heritage), your failure to take this opportunity to educate a Jewish friend about her history and rituals is....part of your general psychological weakness. Lord Peter would approve, seeing my learning about Judaism as the first step toward accepting Christ. I am a big fan of Christ, and I went through a Catholic baptism ritual, but I was young, alone and needed an illusory support system.
Tough Jewish Chick
Fred Flintstone writes: TJG seems to think that watching pornography is a form of living vicariously--substituting visual imagery for the presence of a female.
Assuming that this is so, and assuming it is "bad", would it be accurate to say that women who read romance novels are also pathetic losers? After all, isn't reading a romance novel substitution of fantasy for reality?
Since TJG thinks that watching pornography is somehow symptomatic of not getting laid, query whether reading romance novels is likewise symptomatic of not getting laid.
Of course, the correct answer is that watching pornography and/or reading romance novels probably statisitically correlates weakly, if at all, to the frequency of getting laid.
Also, it is far from clear that the readers of l-keford.com watch all that much pornography. This web site is clearly not pornographic. It is about pornography.
Frankly, it sounds to me like instead of getting an education and learning to think at the alleged ivy institution, TJG spent too much time in the woman's studies ideological boot camp, having her alleged head stuffed with mindless dogma. She exhibits all of the reasoning independence of a member of the BORG. O.K. TJG, where did you go to school, and how many woman's studies courses did you take? Did you take any real classes? What was you major?
Now I was going to go through more of TJG's ideas, but I decided that it would be more interesting to post a poll for readers of l-keford.com:
1. How many of you think that TJG really went to an ivy institution?
2. How many of you think she majored in women's studies, sociology, or something equally intellectually mushy and non-rigorous? (Does anyone think she took calculus? Does anyone think she took physics?)
3. How many think that her Daddy paid for her to go to the alleged ivy institution? (Does anyone think she went on a ROTC scholarship?)
4. How many think that TJG earns more than $30,000/year?
5. How many think that TJG has ever given a man head?
6. Does anyone think she has ever swallowed?
7. How many think that TJG has ever given a woman head?
8. How many think that TJG has ever had anal sex?
9. Has she ever let her boyfriend tie her up during sex and use a riding crop on her? Does she secretly long for him to do so? Is she merely writing to l-keford.com as her way of trawling for an alpha male to put her in her place?
11. How many think that TJG shaves her legs or underarms? How many think that she shaves her boyfriend's legs and underarms?
12. Does anyone think that TJG knows how to cook or sew?
13. How many think that TJG will be able to land a husband and keep him for more than 5 years? 3 years? A week and a half? An hour and a half?
14. How many think that TJG has just been dumped by her boyfriend of the past 3 years, and is now raging at all males?
15. How many think that TJG has just been dumped by her lesbian girlfriend of the past 5 years, and is now raging at all males?
16. How many think she gets laid more often than once a week? Excluding doctors and lawyers? (By the way--podiatrists, chiropractors and dentists don't count as doctors. Public defenders and attorneys who advertise on television at 2:00 a.m. don't count as laywers.)
17. How many guys has TJG slept with? Other than doctors and lawyers?
18. Has TJG ever slept with anyone from a blue collar job? A union laborer? Did he charge TJG union rates?
19. How many people think that TJG has used a whip or a riding crop on her partners?
20. How many people think that TJG has tied up her partners?
21. How many people think TJG stole their wallets when they were done?
Lynne writes: Gee, Lukey, I love quizzes! All women's magazines have quizzes that let us girls know how we measure up to other women on the subjects we fear to discuss most (like sex, hair and body fat). Fred Flintstone put together a quiz asking for opinions on TJG, and I like giving my opinion as much as I like taking quizzes on my sex life (that is, assuming I have one, which seems to be precluded by my participation here...)
Since TJG thinks that watching pornography is somehow symptomatic of not getting laid, would she agree that reading romance novels is likewise symptomatic of not getting laid? Does she read romance novels?
Fred believes that the correct answer is that watching pornography and/or reading romance novels probably statisitically correlates weakly, if at all, to the frequency of getting laid.
I disagree. Reading romance novels has a strong inverse correlation to getting laid. A woman's got to get it somewhere. Plus romance novels offer a very unrealistic picture of men's sexuality, leading women to believe that sex and romance are somehow connected, leaving them disappointed by the real thing.
I don't think TJG reads romance novels, but I do think she reads fiction. I think that TJG really went to an ivy institution, where she majored in business, finance, or communications of some sort. She took at least two semesters of algebra, plus one additional math class, and maybe biology or chemistry, but no physics.
I think both her parents paid for said ivy institution, but probably either took out either a second on the house or took advantage of low interest student loans. I think she earns between $27,000 and $32,000 a year, being that wages on the east coast are fairly high compared to, say, Bakersfield, California. She definitely has given a man head, but has never swallowed.
I do not think she has ever given a woman head, but has tried anal sex at least once (though didn't care much for it). I do not think TJG has ever let her boyfriend tie her up during sex or, but she wishes she longed for him to do so.
I think she is writing to l-keford.com for the same reason all women write to l-keford.com: Luke's charismatic personality, brilliant intellect, stunning good looks, up-and-coming celebrity, putative Jewishness and single-and-actively-looking status make him the ultimate alpha male, able to fulfill TJG's domestic dream of having a maid clean the toilet while TJG is in her rightful place: the mall.
I think TJG shaves her underarms but has her legs waxed. I think she uses depilatories on her boyfriend's back.
I'm sure she can use a microwave or hand a waiter a credit card better than a lot of people, but thinks a needle is something that gives you HIV.
As long as she keeps working and doesn't have children, her first marriage should last 4 to 7 years. Her second marriage will involve children and either last less than five years or a lifetime.
I do not think that TJG has just been dumped either by her boyfriend of the past 3 years or lesbian girlfriend of the past 5 years, and is now raging at all males.
I think she has a couple of guys on line who WNC because they are too busy looking at porn on the internet.
She doesn't get laid more than once a week if you count overnights with more than one sex act as getting laid once. If you count individual sex acts, TJG sounds good for three. How many guys has TJG slept with? Six. Other than doctors and lawyers? Five.
She has slept with students. When she slept with the guy from the blue collar job (a club bouncer or waiter, maybe?), she bought him alcohol and/or cigarettes and an all-you-can-eat steak meal. If she hasn't already used a whip or riding crop, or tied up one or more partners, she really, really looks forward to doing it. Especially after she catches them looking at porn on the internet.
Having her own much nicer wallet, TJG wouldn't steal a man's wallet. She'll have her lawyer boyfriend do it through the court system. But, after she's married, she'll go through her husband's wallet from time to time looking for things which will give her the upper hand.
Louis Scorbick writes: Hey Luke - This debate over how much sex porn fans get got me to thinkin'. I've been a big porn fan since I was 19 and my girlfriend and I started renting tapes together. Since then (the past eight years) I've had dozens of girls, yet still enjoy a good porn (and a good wank) on my own. What's wrong with that? The two have little to do with each other. I've dated tons of girls, had great sex, had bad sex, had lots of sex, had dry spells, but my enjoyment of porn seems almost outside of that. I don't know why women assume guys who watch porn don't get laid. Is that what they have to tell themselves to feel better? Seems silly, then they're competing with a videotape. Porn is a mindless diversion that entertains me for the 5-10 minutes a day I feel like getting off. Other then that, it's irrelevant to my life. However the side of porn you reveal, Mr. Luke F-rd, is very fascinating and all too real. The fantasy stripped away reveals a rather sad truth. Oh, and you're missing a bio on the great 80's porn-star Kathleen Gentry on your site
Mr Marcus
Brooks writes: I just had to join this conversation -- After reading the comments from "John" and Mario, I just had to laugh. In John's case, he's appalled -- APPALLED -- that Marcus would dare express a boastful desire to be with certain white adult film stars. I say, so what? Why is Mr Marcus "classless, immature, thug-like" when he brags about such things? White male stars such as Randy West and Tom Byron, in their films and off-camera, brag about what wild game they've bagged in very graphic terms. Why not excoriate them, too? Should a black guy be judged by different standards?
The porn girls we're talking about are not untouchable pillars of society. They f--- for money. Offered enough lucre, and Asia, Jilly Kelly etc. would wait in line to f--- a Mr. Marcus, no matter how much they protest with specious reasons for why they don't screw black guys. As for Mario, his former porn star girlfriend cited a vapid, specious reason for not f---ing black guys. Stories abound about white male stars directors and talent agents treating white female stars like s---. Yet, a black star who expresses the slightest interest in screwing a white chick is a boastful, classless thug. Also, it's quite clear from what I've seen with my own eyes at strip clubs that white female stars who do interracial are just as popular as white stars that do not do interracial. The contention that cash flow is harmed by sleeping with a black guy is simply bogus.
Let's face it -- 99.999% of the people in porn are not upper-crust folks who do porn just to shock their polo-playing friends during off-hours with tales of being DP'ed on camera. Most people in porn are trash, or unaccomplished people. In fact, I bet class-wise black performers (with notable exceptions) grew up in a higher economic stratum that most white performers. For example, the jive talking that Mr. Marcus does sounds a little put-on to me -- I'm sure, like a lot of gansta rappers, he actually came from a middle-class background. Sean Michaels behaves like he could have come from any middle-class neigborhood in the country. The point is, there's no validity in white female stars claiming that they don't sleep with black guys because of the black stars' "thuggish" behahior-- if anything, the white female stars should be lining up to sleep with people other than the white trailer park rejects that make up most of the white male star population.
Hot Tub Bikers
Lynne L-patin writes: Yesterday was a beautiful day here in Portland. Not only wasn't it raining...but the sky was blue and clear, and the temperature quickly climbed into the upper seventies. It was almost like Southern California, except that here the sky is blue all the way to the horizon. No yellow "ring around the bowl" like in Los Angeles.
Still, I was miserable. The realization that, as a loyal reader and contributor to l-keford.com, I was a moron and a loser, and would never date a doctor, was really getting to me. I'll probably never have a marital bed, I groused to myself. After sleeping Luke-style on the floor for the last year, hell, I'm lucky to have a bunk bed! I felt like a kid who's been permanently 86'd from Toys R Us for shoplifting action figures. All those eminently datable professionals out there, and the only doctor Im getting any action from is Doc Johnson.
I was trying to distract myself by clearing up the detritus of last weekend's move, when who should come limping up the driveway but my fellow adventurer in immorality, DLR, obligatory beer in hand.
"What did you do to yourself?" I asked, hoping I hadn't damaged another fragile male with my aggressive sexual calisthenics.
"I don't know. I think I lifted something wrong last weekend, because this started hurting Tuesday and it goes from my hip all the way down to my foot and I've never had anything like it before."
It sounded like hot tub time. We went out back to soak in warm water under the clear Oregon sky. Using diagnostic skills learned from my ten years of marriage to a man with a bad lower back, I diagnosed DLR's condition as sciatic nerve pain resulting from carrying extremely heavy furniture up a flight of stairs under the influence of various intoxicants and the desire to impress a female with one's manly abilities.
While in the hot tub, I did some anthropological research about the foreign sub-culture in which I had unwittingly submerged myself. The tub itself was clean -- this sweaty biker thing demanded additional research. I told DLR that I had written up our previous adventure for the world wide web, using a pseudonym for him (he approves the pseudonym and said that he'd met the original David Lee Roth many times in Los Angeles playing the "big hair band" circuit). He was pleased -- the musician in him remembered publicity.
Did anyone have anything to say? I related Patricia's comments about the STD's, and that our behavior had been immoral because it potentially impacted on his existing relationship, despite its current disarray. "Must have been a woman who said that," DLR replied, correctly. Having a Harley Davidson does not make one a biker, he said, adding that his primary identity is still that of guitarist in a rock band. Noting the roofing tar under his fingernails, I challenged the description. "No, really, I could make the same amount of money playing old Aerosmith covers in bars. There's bars all over the Northwest where people would be happy to hear old Nazareth tunes."
"You should have asked for more than a blow job," I mused, as I helped DLR from the Jacuzzi to the sofa. "I'm glad I didn't hire you to help me move. You would have sued me." This got a laugh. Then, knowing my place in the patriarchal working class biker hierarchy, I went to the convenience store to buy beer.
When I came back, he was reading a book. A true crime book, actually, called "What Cops Know." This book is an extremely thin book, but a book, nonetheless.
I played disc jockey the rest of the afternoon, spinning platters from my extensive collection of old vinyl. Our playlist, for those putative music critic moronic losers out there, included some live Yardbirds, New Orleans Ladies (Irma Thomas et al, Buffalo Springfield, Rolling Stones' Metamorphosis, Talking Heads, Johnny Cash at Folsom Prison, Sam & Dave, Cheap Trick, Moby Grape and Mott the Hoople., all on vinyl. Meanwhile I learned a little more about DLR's primary relationship, which explained his presence on my sofa and confirmed my oft-expressed opinion that mature men who chase after women half their age are asking for trouble.
Having a child bride in her early twenties is a tremendous responsibility. There is no possibility of an egalitarian relationship with someone who has yet to grow up -- playing daddy, not only to one's child but to one's wife, is a lot of work. And when daddy needs emotional support, or just the opportunity to lie on the sofa for a few hours undisturbed, he can't get it at home. Hence wanting to get involved in some way with an Old Biddy of his own age, who not only remembers LP's but is who has the skills to manipulate the health system at the local emergency room until the proper X-rays are taken and pain medications issued should that ultimately be needed.
It was nice to know DLR didn't want me only for sex, or to take emotional revenge on his cheatin' wife. In fact, given his medical condition, sex was not on the menu (my friend, Natasha, brought in some Taco Bell instead).
So now I have new ethical questions to consider: for example, if someone hurts themselves helping me move, is it immoral to offer to take them to the emergency room if they are married? What about letting them relax on the sofa with a book and entertaining them with classic old records in a peaceful environment where someone else is in control and there are no issues except who's running to the store for more beer? Is it okay to let my dog lick a man's face if he belongs to another woman? The man, not the dog.
More importantly, because it wouldn't be the first time a man has deposited himself in my living room with a bulls--- story, was the whole episode faked just to create a situation where DLR could enjoy my company without the issues of immorality specifically attached to extra-marital sexual activity? By the end of the day, he wasn't limping nearly as much as he was at the beginning, and felt up to taking his family to see Rose Festival fireworks down on the waterfront, which I thought was a good thing.
We postponed the hospital visit, agreeing that listening to great musical classics from the seventies might be a far better muscle relaxant than anything one might obtain from the medical profession after many hours of painful waiting in the emergency room. And I think there may be another session of hot tub and rock and roll therapy planned for today.
Porn's Insulated From The Real World
Dudley Moore writes: Luke, I occasionally write to you from public libraries. As an experiment in reality testing, I suggest you try doing up your webpage from the public library once in a while! What you'll get is an instinctive vehement reaction of FURY at seeing pornography displayed in a public setting.
Of course, I realize most consumers view their porn at home, and thus, in complete isolation from any disapproving eyes, but again, you must view it in public to get that instinctive societal reaction from other adults. In my view, it really isn't all bad to know we live in a world that instinctively protects itself and its children from sexual violators.
Actually, there's something nice and safe about knowing that there are LIMITS that will ALWAYS be reinforced, as long as there are children and families to be protected. As you said in History of X, porn works hard to create an insulated, self-reinforcing, artificial world of instant, anonymous sex for pay. So set up your laptop in the public library once in a while and experience society's protective barrier for yourself anytime you start believing that the world of porn is real.
Castration Excitement
Dudley Moore writes: I read Lynne's response to my question: What is it that all readers of l-keford.com , and all porn consumers and actors everywhere, have in common? My answer below, CASTRATION EXCITEMENT, is in line and fully consistent with all modern-day psychoanalytic thinking on the subject of what belies and motivates an interest in pornography.
Reader, be honest:
To a man, all male porn consumers would gladly let their women don strap-ons and submit to anal penetration by them. This is castration excitement in its most visible, obvious manifestation. The man feels castrated, that is, dickless and sexually powerless, and so he enacts this sense of castration by letting his female partner f--- him in the ass. ("Who's the man now?"....YOU are..."Damn right!")
Macho bravado, especially as demonstrated on-camera by the barbarism of male porno actors, is equally explained as compensatory castration fear. The male's macho act is simply compensatory--he's convinced at an unconscious level that he has no dick, so he must pretend that he does, so he puts on a show(macho toughness, brutality, etc) that sends the message that he must really be very powerful, and thus very potently male.
Seen this way, all of Max Hardcore's efforts at sex demonstrate his inner feelings of complete futility. Try as he might, he can't make a lasting impression on his young ladies. He tries everything he can, as hard and earnestly and extremely as he can...and still he always winds up where he started...feeling the desperation of castration and utter powerless with regard to women. He tries to prove his penis must be very, very powerful through ever more extreme measures...but in fact he is always reduced at an unconscious level to being hopelessly and forever castrated. So he must re-enact the cycle again and again to obtain some temporary relief for his profound sense of castration.
Castration excitement also explains, for examply, why otherwise heterosexual male consumers of porn are so willing to watch other men's dicks hard at work. Why are they so hooked on the explicit genital sex? Because it's such a relief to see that a penis can be so powerful. Seeing all these hard powerful dicks relieves some of the castration anxiety of feeling dickless and powerless as men. So they watch...and watch...and watch to see the dick they don't feel they themselves have, and to reassure themselves that they aren't really castrated, although at a feelings level, they are convinced that they are.
Viewing female vaginas up close also re-enacts male feelings of castration fear, so they feel compelled to inspect ever more closely for the signs of castration in viewing vaginas up close. It's compellingly horrifying, and unconsciously convincing proof, that their sense of castration is justified and real, and reinforces their desire for relief.
As yet another convincing example, how many male porn consumers obsessively-compulsively masturbate? Probably all who can do. Do you know what they're really trying to prove to themselves? That it is THERE. Again, it's an attempt to relieve the castration excitement. At an unconscious level, they're sure they've been castrated.
The same is true for female consumers of porn. To a woman, all would gladly don strap-ons(penis envy at its most explicit)and f--- their male partners in the ass, demonstrating conclusively that WOMEN have the dicks...not their men. This is simply female castration denial, and a fury at being rendered penis-less.
Also, by definition, all female sex performers are bi/lesbian(it's not only a job requirement, it's their true motivation for going into porn). The girl-girl sex doubles their castration excitement. They wear strap-ons because they feel their castration so keenly, and it's exciting to reenact their castration with other castrated girls, and make-believe they have powerful penises. Again, it's another blatant example of castration denial.
The hetero males who enjoy watching the above girl-girl sex are also re-enacting their own castration excitement. Their fantasy, at an unconscious feelings level, is that they are a CASTRATED GIRL, as they vicariously reenact their own fear and excitement at being castrated.
In fact, watching others engage in sex(voyeurism) is itself a re-enactment of watching one's own parents engaged in sex, which is intensely traumatizing and castrating, in part because of the enormous amount of denial the experience induces. The essential component is a profound sense of being rendered powerlessness at watching an apparently violent, forbidden and explicit sexual act, and a futile sense of being victimized (and thereby castrated) by the experience.
For actors/actresses, being seen and filmed by a crew and camera is proof positive that they aren't really castrated, although again, at bottom, they know that they are. Again, their exhibitionism, on film and in close-up, is potent proof to the world of their genital status. They are attempting to demonstrate their sexual power to the world, even though they themselves feel castrated.
So either way, watching others have sex, or being watched performing sex, all parties to pornography are re-enacting and relieving their excitement at being castrated...until the next time... in a permanent cycle of helplessness to futility.
So the next time you watch a porn flick, remember that ALL parties are re-enacting the excitement of castration.
Lynne writes: I hope he didn't ask you if he had the balls to print this, Luke. Honestly, the few people I've met who were excited about castration were called trannies.
Most of us parties to porn flicks are re-enacting the excitement of paychecks. Speaking of porn flicks, the person who can come closest to guessing the amount of money Dave Hardman received for his contributions to my movie, "Working Stiff,' will receive their choice of my meager possessions. (Employees of Zane Entertainment and people who have had sex with Luke F-rd are inelgible for prizes, sorry.)
Trouble In Torah Town
Chaim Amalek writes: This is from today's New York Times, the newspaper of record for jews everywhere. I wonder if they had such problems in the old days, when jews were confined to ghettos.
Is there an eruv in Los Angeles? What do the ultraorthodox of your community do? Are there any black-hat types in LA? Ask Marc Putative (I don't have his address handy) if they have these things in Toronto.
Luke: There is a large eruv in my Pico-Robertson neighborhood, kept up by the modern orthodox shul Beth Jacob. But the ultraorthodox don't hold by it.
From today's NYTimes.com:
The fishing line forms the basic ingredient of an eruv, a symbolic enclosure within which Orthodox Jews are exempted from one of the stricter rules of the Sabbath: the ban on carrying anything in public. But in Borough Park, only some rabbis recognize the eruv, a series of strings that stretch around nearly the entire neighborhood. And the dispute over its legitimacy is the source of one of the biggest controversies in Borough Park since Orthodox Jews began moving to the neighborhood 90 years ago.
Luke: On the front page of the LATimes.com is an article on shabbas goys.
Do these controversies make Judaism look smart or stupid?
Chaim: A true jew does not care for what the goyim think, but only for what God thinks. Is it not odd that articles on religious practices that do in fact seem medieval (which they are) should appear in newspapers serving the twin centers of American Jewish Power - LA and NY - on the same day? What does KJ think of all this?
Luke: Chaim, you are so wrong here - "A true jew does not care for what the goyim think, but only for what God thinks." Have you never studied the book of Deuteronomy? Here's a quote from chapter four, vs 5-7 (following Luke's translation):
"I have taught you the Law as God commanded me. Keep it and do it, for this is your wisdom in the sight of the nations, who shall hear all these laws, and say, Surely this great nation is a wise and understanding people. For what nation is there so great, that God so near to them, as the Lord our God is in all things that we call upon him for? And what nation is so great, that has statutes and judgements so righteous as all this Torah, which I set before you this day?"
Dennis Prager comments that the Torah is explicit here that we are to make God look wise in our keeping of Jewish Law. When Jews like you say, "Who cares what the goyim think?", you're contradicting the sentiments of these Torah verses. What the goyim think is everything. We're to conduct our Jewish lives in a way that makes Judaism and God look good.
Chaim: I stand corrected. Of course jews should care what the goyim think. We would not be in control of mass media if we did not. What I meant to say was that to the torah pure jew of Borro Park, what counts is what the torah says must be done, not what the goyim then think of such and such a religious practice.
Does Chaim hold by the eruv?
Chaim: No - I think that they are treif. Therefore, I lead a gang of distinguished Litvakers (Lithuanian Jews) who cut down eruvim (vot?) wherever and wherever we see them - especially on a Sabbath, as once the Hassidim see what has happended, they are unable to follow us.
Discuss amongst yourselves in shul tomorrow: Who makes the best shabbos goys?
a. shvartzes
b. Puerto Ricans
c. irish
d. Taliban clerics
(I feel guilty making that joke. I make it only because my exposure to your web site has dulled my moral sensibilities.)
PS BEWARE that sneaky jewess LynneL! She has finally figured out that the way to your semen is through your jewishness and interest in teaching torah to other jews. Sounds like a slippery slope situation. Simply direct her to a Portland based Rabbi, and let it go at that.
PS Please tell Kay Jay that I was only kidding, and that as you and ONLY you know, I am a very, very well known rock musician. But do not tell her who - since she knows me anyway, let's make her guess.
Luke, this may very well be the make-or-break year of your professional life. So it is very important that you pay attention to the little things that define how you appear to the world. This means that you must learn to cut and paste and yes, even edit rationally. I can write like s--- if I want, since it is not MY name that is up on your web site URL - it's yours. The sloppiness with which you cut and paste and the lack of intelligent editing do not betoken someone who should be listened to, which is a shame, since this is easily corrected. So put some more effort in the damn thing, be more professional, and maybe you can take this somewhere!
I think I did a pretty good job of editing your web site while you
went through detox in Australia. Why not let me take over again, at
least until you get that monkey off your back?