Wednesday, May 31st, 2000
From Gene Ross
Working Stiff; Luke F-rd: "What's Not to Despise About Porn?"
Described as a "mockumentary," and, technically, a half-way decent one at that, minus a stopover at Bulls--- city, you've got to wonder which side of the fence Lynne L-patin's Working Stiff, from Zane Entertainment Group, a biog-of-sorts about Dave Hardman, is mocking itself from. (From Gene Ross)
Boasting several sex vignettes starring Hardman but also along with some gratuitous commercial plugs for, and informational relays from Luke F-rd, propaganda of this sort generally comes packaged by way of the American Family Association, or the Fox Network, not a porno tape. The fact that its message is aided and abetted either directly or indirectly by Hardman's own purported testimony, makes it that much more disturbing. It's like the Miranda rights where whatever you say, can and will be be used against you, whether you said it or not.
To wit, we're led to believe that Ford's fire and brimstone sermonizing on camera is supported by Hardman's alleged aversions to porn. And it's the typical Luke boogeyman spiel about the porn business attracting people from backgrounds of drug dealing, organized crime, prostitution, child abuse, people with death wishes, yadda, yadda yadda. (Gene Ross)
Porn is "the road to hell," proclaims Reverend Luke. Ford then reads written comments allegedly stemming from Hardman supporting some of Ford's contentions, all the while with Luke looking dead-on at the camera with a "see, I told you so" grin. "Dave Hardman despises porn as much as Jerry Falwell," says Ford smugly. "What's not to despise? Ha! Ha! Ha!"
Quoting Dave saying you got to have a death wish to do porno, Ford also comments, "Dave's death wish is par for the course." Yeah, Luke, except you and Lynne double-bogied. Death wishes are the last subject porn tapes ever address themselves to.
"This [porn] will always be there to haunt him [Hardman]," Ford predicts, calling Hardman a potential figure of derision in normal mainstream society. "Porno is the antithesis of holiness," Ford offers in summation. Okay, now, let's get to the anal scene which comes later with Dave buttf---ing Cumisha Amado in a funny strip search vignette...
And, upon hearing an ambulance siren, Ford intones fatalistically, "The future is calling, Dave."
Luke: Gene Ross continues in greater detail, including some interesting quotes from Dave Hardman who believes that Lynne L-patin shaped the movie to humiliate him.
Hardman told Gene Ross: "I heard that it came out. I didn't know that Lynne ever sold the movie. I worked on it for that two days and did a few things afterwards over at the lawyer's who put up the money for the movie. Other than that, I didn't know what was going to happen. All of a sudden I heard a couple of weeks ago from Zane that it was coming out.....Lynne moved up to Oregon so I guess the anti-porn message is the one she's trying to leave. It sucks because my name is totally affiliated with that, and that's not me."
[Hardman says the "death wish" quote is Rick Master's quote not his. "He said it on the Jerry Springer Show," Hardman says. "These guys are very smart. The day I went over there to play pool [for a pick-up shot], Lynne was in a way I had never seen her before. This was in the wake between Bruce [Bruce Walker passing away] and me not talking to her and her going to jail and the whole nine yards. And I was bitter being there."]
Hardman: "Whatever is out, is out there. It is porno, but it sucks with a negative message. The hardcore will be able to tell that they bulls---ted me. The truth is I didn't have anything to do with that movie and everyone knows the whole story and what we went through, with her going to jail for stalking me and telling everybody I was in love with her." (From today's Gene Ross)
Luke: Here's an excerpt from my biography of Dave Hardman who starred in the one porn film I made, What Women Want:
Dave says there are lots of wild people in porn. "People pulling guns on each other. People who don't care what others think about what they do. They don't give a f--- about anything but money, good scenes, production... They don't care who lives or dies 'cause they don't have to do scenes. You've got to have a death wish to do porno…
"I've found that I
can't have a serious relationship outside of the industry. If you
find someone special they will eventually get jealous. They say they
don't care, but then the night before a shoot they keep you up all
night f---ing them so you won't have anything left for the other girls.
The longer you stay in the business, it's like you have no feelings
anymore. Every year that goes by I get more jaded." (Exotica Magazine
7/98)
11/13/99
Here's a transcript of Luke's interview for Lynne's movie "Dave Hardman: A Day in the Life of a Working Stiff."
Slammy: "How does the industry perceive Dave Hardman?"
Luke: "The industry does not respect itself. It disses itself a lot and Dave Hardman embodies what people expect of a porno stud. He smokes a lot of marijuana, he can get it up and off easily and he's not particular about who he does. He'll do 300 pound women. What was the question again?"
Slammy: "How would you rate Dave Hardman among the other studs?"
Luke: "There are the A grade actors like Mark Davis, Tom Byron, Peter North, Alec Metro... Dave Hardman is a B grade porn actor. Like Rick Masters, guys who will work for $200 a scene. Dave is reliable. The guys don't matter much in this business anyway. They're just there to pound the women and bring out different emotions and feelings and positions from the women. The men are just meat puppets. The quintessential example is Ron Jeremy who's fat, unattractive and hairy. But there's a freak appeal in pairing unattractive men with attractive women.
"Porno is all about degradation. And when you pair a Dave Hardman or a Ron Jeremy with a good looking chick, the stroker at home can see that he's just as attractive as Dave or Ron. And it is a perverse form of excitement to see a good looking woman sucking on the schlong of some schlub."
Slammy: "Do you have a favorite Dave Hardman story?"
Luke: "I made one porn video, What Women Want, in January of 1996. It was the first time I had seen people have sex. I got my talent from Regan Senter. We chose Kimberly Kummings as the pin cushion in the gangbang video and Kimberly got to choose all the male talent - Dick Nasty, Dave Hardman, Rick Masters, Tommy Gunn... Dave and Rick were laughing at me the whole time because I did not know what I was doing. They were also giving me tips on how to shoot a porno.
"I was interviewing everybody after the shoot, on camera, and Dave Hardman was jerking off. He wanted to spooge again on Kimberly. She freaked out. The man was a sex machine. He popped into a cup."
Slammy: "What is the basis of Dave's appeal?"
Luke: "To directors, that he can do the job relatively cheaply, reliably and consistently. Porn is lowbrow hardon fuel with almost no redeeming value. People aren't going to the video store going, 'What is Dave Hardman's latest video? I have to see this guy because he's such a great actor. Just the range of emotions. His appeal is that he has a dick and can get it up on camera and not many guys can. Dave's not going to be competing with Dustin Hoffman."
Q: "Dave's deathwish?"
Luke: "Most people in this business are self-destructive. This business attracts people with backgrounds in drug dealing, organized crime, prostitution... People who've been abused as kids... People who can't handle the real world... This business is the road to hell and in porno you may get a lot of orgasms as you walk along to hell. So Dave's deathwish is par for the course in porno. This is a destructive industry. This is something that will haunt him the rest of his life if he tries to enter middle America. He'll always be regarded by many people as a figure of derision. If you take your life seriously, and you're ambitious, and you have people who care about you, and community, then stay the hell away from porno."
Q: "Dave's perception of porn?"
Luke: "That's the one thing I do like about porno. People are pretty honest. Most of them don't pretend that they are crafting "Titanic," or that they have any great social or political agenda, and they're here to make a buck, and they don't really give a f---. Dave is like that. He despises porno as much as Jerry Fallwell. And what's not to despise? This business attracts neurotic types, myself included.
Q: "Dave says he tires of the business but fights against his best interests?"
"Dave has done so much weed that he may not be fully there upstairs. He's a nice amiable guy but he's a dope smoker. He's a sex addict, an animal. He's not going to be running General Motors or make it in corporate American. He's a hippie, a throwback to the 1960s.
"His own best interests? He only has a vague idea of what they are. As the cliche goes, 'if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.' I don't think Dave has detailed one year, three year, five year goal outlines for his life."
Q: "Evaluate the risks to Dave from this business."
[Producer Lynne was primarily thinking about health risks but Luke took the question in a different direction.]
Luke: "I'm not sure how much of a risk there as he has pretty much F-'d up his life by working in front of the porn camera. He's done it for years... There is always the chance for personal redemption and resurrection. There's always the chance that any one of could turn our lives around and become productive members of society. And every month he stays in this business, his chances of getting out of it diminish because this business is like 'The Hotel California.' You can check out, but you can never leave.
"Dave says that he's found he can't have a serious relationship outside of the industry. Of course. People in the straight world don't take people in the porn world seriously. It's a source of derision and contempt if not outright hatred.
"Dave says: 'If you find someone special, they will eventually get jealous.' Funny that. 'Honey, I'm going to work now. I've gotta bang three girls today.' Very few women can handle that, nor should they. A relationship should have some element of the sacred and porno is the antithesis of the holy."
Slammy: "Alex Sanders refers to the Spice Curse. No matter what happens, you'll always be on Spice. I went out with Alex one time to a strip club. And everywhere he goes, people recognize him. He tries to get a [straight] girlfriend and they always go, ewwwwwwwwww."
Q: "Your favorite Dave Hardman scenes?"
Luke: "I don't have any. I don't think most people do. You don't think about the guys. It's all a blur. I have very few favorite porno scenes anyway and I certainly don't evaluate them by Dave Hardman. I'm not there jerking off and saying, 'oh there's Dave. What a convincing performance.'
"Dave's future? I hope that he will get married, get another job. Perhaps work construction. Maybe he'll just make porno for the next 20 years. Work in a storeroom and move tapes around and get them ready for the next order."
A siren blares in the background.
Luke: "That may be Dave's future right now."
Next, Slammy interviews Cumisha Amado.
Cumisha: "Some of this stuff is going on cable?"
Slammy: "She thinks it will go to Comedy Central."
Cumisha, as she cleans a huge two-headed dildo: "Can they show..."
Slammy: "No. I don't think you can reach into your underwear on cable. I think you can fart."
Cut.
Cumisha lies on her bed.
Slammy: "You can look in the camera, you can look towards me. You can do what you want. You can play with yourself."
Cumisha grins and starts masturbating.
Cumisha: "The first time I worked with Dave Hardman was six or seven years ago. It was a DP with Rick Masters.
"Dave and I have hung out at parties with Rich. At Rick's sister's place. And we all joined in a major orgy. Dave loves asian girls. And Dave got to lick a lot of asian pussies at the pool. And he got his dick sucked. One sitting on his face and another one licking his balls.
"One time, before a movie was shot, he asked me, 'do you want to see something crazy I can do with my dick? And he wrapped it around this pole. And he twisted it all around. The pole belonged to Rick Masters.
"When Dave's afraid he's about to come, he slaps his dick around and pounds it on the table. He loves to f--- hard.
"Have you ever heard him tell his jokes? Dave is really funny."
Slammy: "Dave and Rick are like the Laurel and Hardy of porno."
Cumisha: "Yeah, they're like the Three Stooges except there is only two of them. They do a lot of slapdick comedy."
Luke: "I think Rick Masters has been retired from porno for a year. Eversince he married Charlese L'Amour. I think they're now divorced."
Cumisha: "My favorite position is doggie and 69."
Next Dave Hardman is interviewed.
Dave says he's done five scenes in one day.
Lynne: "Most men can pound away for two minutes, ejaculate and leave the woman feeling like she's been assaulted. David, what's your secret? How can you pound for two hours and let the woman walk away?"
Dave: "Some of them don't."
Q: "What's the best piece of ass you've had in your whole life?"
Dave: "Lynne L-patin."
Lynne: "Use my other name. This movie is going out under "Diana Roth." We don't want Lynne L-patin and Dave Hardman associated much longer."
Q: "What's the best piece of ass you've had?"
Dave: "Dianna Roth... Second best... The 18-year olds are the best. After that, they deteriorate. Fresh meat. A lot of them know what they're doing. Some of them have been f---ing me under the table lately.
"French women have the best feeling pussies. They know how to take care of themselves. Their pussies are like silk.
"I've won for most outrageous sex scene the last two years in a row. I do the most dangerous job. We're like Indy racers. They crash and burn and so do we. You f--- a girl who has AIDS, you crash and burn. It's the price you have to pay, like athletes..."
Next Lynne interviews Darcy, David's older sister (eight years).
Darcy: "I've been in the adult business for 12 years on and off. David started about five years ago. He asked for a phone number and I gave him a phone number.
"I hired a stripper for him on his 27th birthday and he loved it. He's a very handsome man. I know the genetic pool. Dave and I did a scene in "The Bald, The Fat & The Ugly" where we shaved a girl's head."
Lynne: "You didn't get to see him much in high school and beginnings of his sexuality?"
Darcy: "A little bit... He had long brown hair...
"By the way, after this shoot, I'm getting naked. I was a stripper long ago before I was an actress.
"Periodically, when my type of full figure woman was selected... It is very ironic that no matter whether you are doing an adult film or a legitimate film or commercial, full figured women are always considered for the frumpy or derogatory role. I think that's wrong. Our society is made up of all types of people and races and I don't think there should be any discrimination against body size.
"Bald men are beautiful. Any man with hair on his head is overdressed..."
Dave has two other brothers.
Lynne: "I would like to know all the details of his sex life that you could share with us?"
Darcy: "I do know one movie where I was in a different scene, long after me, and I watched him. His prowess was definitely there. Definitely obvious. I've watched a few of his scenes. I think watching sex is good, even if it is your brother.
"I'm not like anybody else. I don't think sex is dirty or wrong. I like my tits, don't you?
"I do have one beef with my little brother.
I just think he needs to grow up and become abstinent from certain
substances on the planet."
Centerfold Coeds
Playboy Playmate Victoria Zdrok writes: Hi,Luke, Below is the description of the video. Please mention that my girlfriend Lynn Thomas (May 1997 Playmate) and I (Oct 94) Playmate came up with the idea of he video and produced it ourselves. I had converted her to bisexuality after I made love to her on the set for real and I reciprocated! Playboy will go nuts when they see it - but we don't care - these bunnies make their own monies and no longer need Playboy's carrots, hehe! Expect an even hotter sequel!
The hottest Girl/Girl video of the year was filmed over Memorial Day weekend, for expected release in late Summer 2000. Centerfold Coeds: Girlfriends, starring Julie Strain, Victoria Zdrok, Lynn Thomas, Doria, Taylor Wane, Alexa Lauren, and Sydney Moon, features a love scene so passionate it blew all the fuses at the shooting location, a five-girl orgy, a super-hot strip tease, nude lap dancing, masturbation while watching an Internet web cam, a six-girl soapy shower scene, plentiful tongue kissing, erotically charged over-the-knee spanking, and more. With two Playboy Playmates and four Penthouse Pets, the video goes well beyond the tame standards of Playboy, but was filmed in a style more beautiful than Penthouse knows how to shoot. Directed by noted director LiPo Chang and shot by 1999 AVN award-winning cinematographer Philip Hurn, Centerfold Coeds will set a new standard for erotic videos for the Twenty-first Century. Romantic, passionate and sexually charged throughout, it will be a video that every man, woman and couple will want to have. It can be purchased at www.centerfoldcoeds.com.
Erotica LA
Ron Miller's Erotica LA Show (www.erotica-la.com) will be held at the Los Angeles Convention Center this weekend.
Miller told the May 4 edition of Gene Ross.com: "Wicked is our flagship company, and they will be located right inside the door. I thank Steve Orenstein, Joy King and Seth for their support. I'm very happy this year that Goalie has expanded their space. VCA's also back. They're right next to Wicked. On the other side of Wicked is Hustler. They've doubled their space this year. There's a new project, Go Hustler, the prepaid Internet card, they have a booth this year. There will also be more of the gentlemen's clubs like Deja Vu and Spearmint Rhino. Serenity's company, Las Vegas Novelties, will also be back. Hedonism is back. They'll have one of the larger booths this year. Most of my vendors from prior years are back, and we're getting a lot of support from Vivid which I'm very excited about. The Vivid girls are helping us out a lot with the promotion.
"But it's pretty clear that the mayor of the city of Los Angeles has very little knowledge of what the Los Angeles Police Department is doing. His great defense is he can disavow any knowledge. It sort of reminds you of the old Mission Impossible introduction. Last year when Mayor Riordan was interviewed by the LA Times who saw fit to run that story on the front cover about the Dirty Little Secrets of Porn Valley, Brooke also went on ABC News to respond to the mayor's comments. After those responses the mayor had nothing to say. Basically the response was how much in police resources are devoted to the adult industry. What is it netting? What criminal activity have you found? The answer is virtually none. By the same token, the industry is contributing tax revenue to the city of Los Angeles on a regular basis. The city, on the other hand, sees fit to subsidize what I consider is pornography like Natural Born Killers and Pulp Fiction. They obviously have an impact on our kids. I have yet to see a high school suffer a tragedy like Columbine that was sexually-related...." (From Gene Ross.com)
MrMarcus.com
John writes: Luke, if the Jenna rape rumor was not enough, Mr. Marcus has now started to flame away about the gals we will get next, does this guy have an ego or what? He is asking fans what gals they want to see him f--- in his new line of videos called "The Casting Couch". Talking about having Keisha tells him who "the man" is and Stacy Valentine would look good on his cock, also how he has targeted Farrah and telling gals like asia, jenna and jill kelly to get in line. I hope these gals don't fall for his little game, his attitude is classless, immature, thug-like and reminds me of high school, someone tell him to grow up.
Mr Marcus writes on MrMarcus.com: No doubt there seems to be love
for the wild girls. April Flowers is a killa. Keisha my fantasy f---.
I could pull her hair a couple of times just to remind her who the
f--- I am. And Janet oh the lovely Janet Jackme she CAN f---. I just
saw Farrah at the Macy Gray concert it
was her birthday. She seems cool down to earth. Maybe it's possible
to f---..didnt test the waters..
Mandingo writes on MrMarcus.com: I have taken time to carefully review this board and I think that it is defintely tight work. I would just like to say to Mr. Marcus that fame and glory are usually accompanied by evil. As a black man I am proud to see that you maintain a very professional and mature stance regrading idiots that consistently attempt to bring a black man down. Just letting you know that there are intelligent, professional brothers out there that support one another - regardless of the occupation. Continue to keep it real and don't be distracted by the nonsense. The black man has always been a warrior and alot of people can't satnd the fact that women love us big, strong Mandigo Brother!
Mario: Luke: went over to Mr. Marcus's website after reading the Jenna rumor and talk about trash talking. He is now into this who am I going to get next trip. It is for reasons such as this that many actresses do not do interracial, the attitude of I'm going to get so and so to go black, etc. Having dated a former pornstar a few years back, I learned that the main reason she avoided interracial is because of the types of guys she had to choose from, gangbanger types who's only goal was to get white women as their means of getting back at society, the gal I dated did not want to be some trophy or conquest to brag about, if a man of color who had some class came around, he would have much success. Sean Michaels comes close, but even he has been known to target gals and brag at conventions on how he got a gal to do her first interracial with him. To many gals image is not something they can afford to damage, this might hurt their ability to draw fans, and success on the road as feature dancers. Think about it, I would only go out of my way to see a porngal dance who I admired and who image is top-notch. No wonder gals like Serenity, Asia, Jill, Jenna, etc, avoid interracial, it's not the skin color its all the b.s. that goes with it.
AT&T Carries Vivid's Hot Network
From today's Wall Street Journal:
AT&T Corp. plans to carry The Hot Network, a hard-core adult-movie
channel, in a programming deal that could leave AT&T with a big share
of profits from sexually explicit movies.
Bill Asher, president of The Hot Network, said the channel is "thrilled to be associated with AT&T. People have great respect for them for obvious reasons." He described his company's movies as "halfway between the Playboy Channel and what you see in your corner adult-video store." The "R" rated pay-per-view adult movies that many cable operators offer aren't as sexually explicit.
Mr. Asher, who is also president of Vivid Entertainment, a major producer of adult videos, said about 16 million viewers have access to the channel via cable or satellite.
But teaming up with the channel can be lucrative, cable operators agree. According to people familiar with the matter, The Hot Network has been offering them 90% of revenue generated by the channel's sexually explicit movies. Mr. Asher declined to comment about those terms.
At about $7.95 a movie, The Hot Network's offerings cost about twice as much as regular pay-per-view movies.
WASHINGTON, May 31 /PRNewswire/ -- The American Family Association today wrote Attorney General Janet Reno asking her to investigate AT&T Corp. for possible violation of federal obscenity laws.
In the letter, AFA director of governmental affairs, Patrick Trueman, noted that today's Wall Street Journal indicates that AT&T plans to distribute hard-core pornography through its cable unit. The article describes the material that AT&T will use in such a way as to lead one to believe that it may be obscene.
"Title 18, Section 1468 of federal criminal law prohibits the distribution of obscene material by cable television to anyone and it is not a defense that the material is provided to willing consumers," Trueman said.
The criminal penalty is two years imprisonment and up to $250,000 fine per offense. Any property used in the commission of an obscenity crime as well as profits from the crime are subject to forfeiture to the federal government, under Title 18, Section 1467.
"It is a sad commentary on the Clinton Administration that a mainstream major corporation, like AT&T would venture into an area of questionable legality," said Trueman. "AT&T may take short-term comfort in the fact that the Clinton Administration has been lax in the enforcement of federal law prohibiting the distribution of obscenity," he added. "However, AT&T may be late to this profitable area because the next administration which begins in little more than half a year may decide to vigorously prosecute obscenity violations just as the Reagan and Bush Administrations did. What impact will this have on shareholders of AT&T, not to mention the executives who are responsible for this unfortunate decision?" Trueman asked.
Truthhedonist writes on Yahoo: I am a shareholder and a customer and have been dissapointed in the performance of this stock, but I am more dissapointed in ATT's desperate move to sell crap to generate profits. I think this is irresponsible and will contributer further to the moral decay of our country and of the world. (Those of you who are so blinded to the absence of morality and truth can begin flaming me now!) Those of you who recognize that we don't live in a vacuum and that our moral depravity contributes to the continued decay of humanity - PLEASE WRITE AN EMAIL OR LETTER TO ATT's INVESTOR RELATIONS GROUP EXPRESSING YOUR DISPLEASURE WITH THIS "DECISION". People without the TRUTH don't even have a choice to break free from the bondage of immorality.
Chaim Amalek writes: I live in Jewish-run Manhattan, where I am tethered to Jewish-run Time-Warner Cable, which has lots of hard-core porn on access channel 35 every night from 10 pm onwards. My main complaint is the phoneyness of the porners, and their ugliness (e.g., Robin Byrd, various mutilated women, the fat jew Al Goldstein, etc.) As a supporter of honorary jewess Hillary Rodham Clinton, I would rather see porn than view any republican influenced programming.
Please find out which jew is behind the ATT decision to pump porn into the minds of NY City kids.
QSound Stock Doldrums
The stock price for Q Sound has fallen dramatically from $5 a share in March to less than $2.
VKS45 writes on Yahoo: 3713 To answer JoshuaD98's questions: - The acquisition/merger with StreamMagic was cancelled. This disclosure was buried in the latest quarterly financial press release. (It's not clear how long before then the merger was cancelled, nor how many quasi-insiders knew the merger was off and were able to sell their stock at a premium into a market that was unaware of the cancelled merger.) QSound did agree to purchase some kind of services from Alchemy (the porn-hosting company that owned many the same assets that StreamMagic claimed to own).
- The company continues to lose money, and earnings have not grown in any category as expected. Most baffling is the almost complete lack of earnings impact from the acquisition of Virtual Spin (QCommerce), which turned out to have minimal or no revenues from most of its customers.
- On the "smoke and mirrors" question, I certainly think the answer is "yes."
More Camp Erotica Girls
Brother Terry writes: Luke, Here are12 candid shots taken by Hal during the Camp Erotica shoot. Even though Hal is a well known homosexual, he managed to take some rather titilating shots of the girls. Hope your readers have as much fun with these pictures as they did with the other Camp Erotica pix. Yours in Christ, Brother Terry.
Aghast writes: Brother Terry, Your new photos offer solid evidence to support my theory that every woman looks better with a man's penis in her mouth preferably mine. (Please Note: By woman I mean genetic female under the age of 30 after 30 they fall in the "Old Biddy" category). I look forward with equal parts anticipation and trepidation the delivery of my screener of "Vomitorium II: Camp Erotica." P.T.L.
Luke: I want to visit Camp Erotica.
Brother Terry: Luke, Camp Erotica has been closed down temporarily by the Health Dept. We have also been cited by the Fire Dept., the Dept. of Public Works, the Mosquito Abatement Program, and the League for Christian Decency. We are actively making the necessary repairs and upgrades to open up in time for Summer Vacation. All the girls and boys are pitching in to get the job done, and it's really starting to come together. I am very proud of the young people of Camp Erotica! In another week or so we will be ready for a "White Glove" inspection. Luke, you are most welcome to come join us for the big Opening Day ceremony. Bring your bathing trunks, some suntan lotion and a healthy appetite for fun! I'll make sure we have plenty of Kosher hot dogs at the weeny roast, just for you. We're all looking forward to your visit! Brother Terry.
Johnny: Why are guys putting down those sexy camp erotica girls? I would eat their pussies any day.
Aghast writes: Luke! You must resist the siren call of the transgendered! Fight it, Buddy! Fight it!
Rumdar: Luke... No wonder the Heath Department closed down Camp Erotica. Did you see the shot of those four shlubs jacking off in the lake? Probably killed all the fish too.....
Aghast writes: Rumdar, Open your eyes. Those "four shlubs" in the lake were none other than Rikki Lixx, KiKi D'Aire, Maren Beautte, and Ariel sans prosthetics and make up at the end of the shoot. Jeez . . . Rikki is hung like Dave Hardman!
Goddess writes: Luke, I read Lynne's post about having lusty, sweaty sex with DLR. Does that piss you off in the slightest? I mean she claims to have the hots for you, but she's out doin' the nasty with somebody else. What's your take on the whole incident?
Luke: Love for me means wanting the best for the beloved. I only want the best for Lynne, and if that means lusty sweaty sex with DLR, then so be it. Of course, I wish it were saved for the holy marital bed.
Rob writes: Regarding photograph 0005319 from the "Camp Erotica" series on 31 May, 2000, my only reaction is: "Will f--- for heroin" This woman looks to be on the ragged edge.
Proposals of Marriage, Anyone?
Who Will Tame Lynne's Pubic Hair?
Lynne L-patin (BDWLCL@worldnet.att.net) writes: Dear fellow losers:
This TJG thing grated on me all day today, because it reminds me of the double standard (men can cat around, women keep their pussies to themselves), even though her real point is that if more of you male losers found female losers like me attractive enough for sex, there'd be a lot less need for porn and more happy humans of both genders.
By insisting on the unattainable, and complaining about the attitudes of women like TJG, you do deprive yourself of real life relationships with warm, loving, egalitarian, short old broads who bring their own condoms and will care for you tenderly and faithfully in time of need. Who will cover all the bases for you, economically and domestically, when you need a helping hand. Who have patience with your foibles and indulge your idiosyncrasies. Etc.
On the other hand, I'm just as guilty as any guy who lusts after the unattainable. I continue to delude myself that, some day, I will "have" Luke, by virtue of sheer desire and good will, even though there are many far more beautiful and desirable and YOUNG women out there from which he can choose.
Over the term, three of us in my exercise class have come to be the "serious," self-motivated group who work out for our own purposes, i.e., even when the instructor isn't watching. The most beautiful girl, the most athletic guy, and the most motivated Old Biddy -- me, of course. We three tend to end up in the corner together doing our little stretching exercises, and I've watched as the other two finally hooked up and discussed weekend plans. Which is as it should be. The best deserves the best.
Anyway, Luke thinks I should get married sooner, rather than later, so as to avoid the sin of fornication. No more playing Good Samaritan to men in emotional need of female acceptance. Distance is no object. Any legitimate offers will be considered. But I warn you, I'm extremely intelligent and gain more wisdom with every day's experience, am used to great sex and work out regularly. Who among you losers will be the one who dares tame my pubic hair?
Michael writes: Being one of those idle, stained sheeted, morally challenged, losers(?) with nothing else to do. ( Not to mention the fact that no flesh and blood woman will have anything to do with me - laughing), I was reading through the past days events when Lynnes guaranteed rules for divorce caught my attention. Theres one left.
THE GOLDEN RULE FOR GUARANTEED DIVORCE: Dishonesty
Without honesty, there is no trust, no trust, no intimacy, no intimacy..... why bother. Might as well be "staining the sheets" solo. What do you think? Does my rule make the list?
Lynne: Michael, I was thinking more about the things Luke's friends tell him to look for in a marriageable woman, but of course, honesty and trust make up the basis of any friendship, let alone a marriage. Better to masturbate in honor than lie to someone who deserves the truth. I may not be pure as the driven snow, but at least I'm honest about it. And I never ask someone to call me unless I'm planning to answer the phone (don't ask....)
Tough Jewish Chick
Curious writes: I loved Tuesday night's smack down with the feisty "Tough Jewish Chick." She comes across with all the spunk and bottled rage of a Vassar grad, with a degree in Florentine Art, forced to work at Starbucks. Very refreshing! I don't mind telling you that after last night's heated debate I was so aroused that I gave it to my blow up love doll (now renamed "Amy") three times! Thank you "TJC" and welcome.
ps Your female readers are always complaining, "You guys think you're so cool? Post your picture!" Well, shuddap already! Here it is.
Fred writes: One problem with the internet is that one can never tell whether someone writing is a crank, or whether the message's author is what she purports to be. For sake of argument, let's assume she is correct. Let us assume that she is an attractive young woman.
In the grand and cosmic scheme of things, women are viewed as attractive and desirable when they are young. That bargaining advantage evaporates with age, and must therefore be augmented with other virtues and qualities. I dare say that in fifteen years, TJG will be in real trouble. If she doesn't get a new personality, in 20 years she'll have to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her.
Now TJG says that the l-keford.com readers are "losers". TJG is not a loser because a) she is young, tall and attractive, b) "ivy educated", and c) can date lots of doctors and lawyers (and presumably get laid at will).
Regarding her ability to barter her looks to get dates with doctors and lawyers, it sounds like she is nothing more than a money grubber--hardly a virtue.
What else is it about her that makes her "not a loser"? She says that she is young. That's obvious. Life holds few certainties. One is this: youth doesn't last. Another thing that is certain--in ten years, her bargaining position will change dramatically.
TJG tells us that she is tall. Unless she's in the NBA, I don't think anyone gives a s---.
TJG tells us that she is "ivy educated." (Big deal. So am I.) If this is how she communicates her self-worth to the world, I guarantee that she will convince the rest of the world that she is nothing more than a snob, with nothing real of substance by which to recommend herself.
Here is a short list of things that TJG has not told us.
She has not told us whether she has accomplished anything in her life. Has she written a novel? Has she discovered anything of great importance? Found a cure for a disease? Helped the poor or dispossessed? Stopped a war? Nope. Her virtues appear to consist of this: She's tall, Jewish, ivy educated, good looking, and can f--- lawyers and doctors at will. The rest of us are losers.
Well, congratulations. If those subjects appear on God's report card, she's in fat city. However, I don't think they appear on God's report card.
Now, riddle me this. What kind of "young, tall, attractive, ivy educated" twit would take time off from her busy schedule of banging lawyers and doctors to e-mail insults to the readers of l-keford.com? Answer: somebody with deep personal issues that need to be worked out. (Either that, or some crank who's having a good laugh at the responses he/she/it has been able to generate. I have to admit--this could be a simple crank post--maybe even a work of fiction by LF himself, in which case, I tip my hat.)
With time, the balance of sexual power changes, and past age 30, females are no longer in the prime bargaining position. Does that mean that TJG will be a "loser"? Nope. I think she's a loser already.
TJG imagines that all of her current boyfriends have nothing to do with porn. I bet TJG also thinks her mother is a virgin.
On another note, I read DJG's comment about Koko the Gorilla. I'm familiar with Koko. I agree. I'd rather spend an evening on a date with Koko than TJG. Did the flick say whether Koko was a shiksa? Oh, but forget it--Koko wasn't ivy educated. (I don't think the Yerkes Primate Institute is an Ivy institution--is it?)
Johnny: Evilstein makes an excellent point, that the drs., lawyers, and businessmen that the tough jewish chick considers "dateable material," are also watching porn. I bet the guy that TJC is currently dating beats off to porn, and probably so do all the other men who her friends are dating. TJC knows nothing about male lust.
Curious: Wasn't Amy Steinberg the name of the girl killed in the "Preppy Murder" case in NYC back in the early eighties. You remember the killer used a rough sex defense.
Evilstein: No Curious.That was Jennifer Levin who was murdered by dirtbag Robert Chambers who got off on a lesser charge with a "rough sex" defense.I wonder if Tough Jewish Chick would have any qualms about dating the sleazy lawyer who put the deceased Miss Levin on trial while pushing this disgusting defense?
Ben writes: Hi Luke buddie, Luke we can't let Tough Jewish Chick slash -( BULL DYKE) put us down like that. We all know its from being let DOWN by the repeated failure of batteries,while she is having sex.This anger comes from (BUNNY LET DOWN SYNDROME) its very common among jewish chicks.I would suggest that she try going ( AC), OR try and find a good man that will keep that mouth busy and is already at body temp.,Luke,I think she is crying out for HELP. Luke,your closer than I am? Take it upon yourself to HELP her get over this anger.No need to spend money on this DATE. Throw that roll of foam in the Van., take her to some fast food drive in,ask for extra napkins. Now your ready to park.And remember Luke!GODS eyes are on you.
Luke Gets Mail
Brandy Alexandre writes: Bravo Penthouse! I can only hope that other adult companies realize they can, and therefore will, do the same thing. I have had my copyrights and trademarked name compromised and infringed many times over, and often, by extension, so have the companies I worked for. It is one thing for someone like myself to post pictures of myself, with full credit to the producers, and frequently directly people to BUY their product. It's quite another for a few dweebs to gather together and make a habit of trading pornstar images by the thousands without credit to the origin and blatant provision of such images free to the public.
Den writes: What is shay sweet doing and now and is she gonna sign with someone? Seymore and alisha klass are still together and for people who like her she is ugly. I got one of her movies and she is not in good shape at all. Taylor Hayes makes her look sick.
What Would They Say?
Chaim Amalek writes: Turnabout is fair play, Luke. You dating a Jewish Doctoress is for all the schlubs in the world who ever were turned down by jew-esses for not being doctors or lawyers or for being poor. Remember all who live through you. Christ-like, you must do what you can with her, as great a sacrifice as that will be, so that others may live (in a sense). Now, what I want to know and what I want you to find out is:
1. what she looks like (post some pics of her)
2. does she shave
3. how frequently does she perform abortions? Is this her specialty?
4. does she do late term partial birth abortions
5. does she do abortions of convenience of fetuses carried by career women who do not want to be bothered carrying a child?
6. does she have any momentos of her work (umbilical cords, skull caps, shredded limbs etc.)
7. has she ever had an abortion?
This chick probably has excellent vaginal health, so you definitely should try to score here. And, as others have pointed out, she is more likely to be tolerant of your web activities since she kills unborn children for sheckels. Have no moral qualms about boinking here, and have fun out there!
Finally, I still need to know if KJ likes to eat salted pretzels, or if I should put pepper on it.
Luke: Kendra Jade likes salted pretzels, no need to add pepper.
Kendra writes Luke: no, he [Chaim] has not even called me. im charging him double now for standing me up ps i hate pretzels
Luke: The doc has no momentos of her work, to the best of my knowledge. I am sure she does abortions of convenince for career women. She does not do late term abortions, only abortions in the first trimester. And she looks totally hot.
Chaim: Luke, in all the posts that I have sent you, you have not once bothered to run a spell checking program. Until now:
"Finally, I still need to know if KJ likes to eat salted pretzels, or if I should put pepper on it."
Luke, the word was PETZELS, not "pretzels". (Have you ever eaten a petzel, salted or not? Note to Ms. KJ: mine is self-salting.) How am I going to impress Ms. KJ when she sees my stooped frame except by dazzling her with my semitic wit, and how can I do that if you abort my humor at the spell-checker stage?
Good luck with the jewish abortion doctor chick. I'll bet she is a demoness in the sack. But on a more serious note, post no further personal info on her, as there are some spooky web sites out there regarding doctors who do this sort of thing. Also, suppose you have sex with her and impregnate her. Do you think she would have an abortion? On the other hand, is she the type who you want to marry? If the answer to question no. 1 is "no" and the answer to question no. 2 is "yes", then I URGE you to cut to the chase and impregnate her ASAP. Use condoms with holes in them. Tell her you had a vasectomy. Get her to use petroleum based lubricants with your rubber. Whatever. Just win her over by inserting your seed into her womb and thereby sneak off with the prize you have been seeking for these many years. Take this advice and you will thank me for it.
PS I am being serious about this. So do not publish this where she might see it.
Regarding KJ's assertion that I did not call her, this only proves that she loves you. I did call her, but she does not want to hurt your feelings by going into what we discussed or what we have planned for the days ahead. Stop me before I kvell over.
Re that Lynne person and her cry for marital bliss, why doesn't she hook up with some biker pals of her brother, and make an honest man of him?
Re your abortion doc sweetie, I still want you to address those questions that I posed regarding her carrying your child to term and marrying you. She is proving to be a real sweetie!
It is reasonable to ask this woman what she would do if you knocked her up - abort, or carry the child of Luke to term? Moreover, your fans want to know.
Regarding the placement of that last sentence above, Luke, if you cannot even cut and paste accurately, how can anyone take you seriously? No wonder your TV show is going to appear on the internet and not on ABC, NBC, or CBS. You NEED to marry that nice jewish doctor girl of yours. Go ahead, knock her up. It really is the jewish thing to do at this point, and it will make a man of you.
Here is one more question for me to ask my doctor sweetie, should the conversation between us ever come to one of those awkward pregnant pauses: "So, how many souls of Christian babies have you sent to Jesus?" --Luke F-rd, Porno-Social Arsonist
PS Suppose it were legal to have x wives in America. Further suppose that you have the physical and psychological resources to support y wives. (I ignore the monetary aspect, since it is a given that they would have to be self-supporting.) What is the smallest value of x for which you would be willing to make that Lynne person a wife of yours? Same question, but for KJ and then for abortion doc. Is x greater than, less than, or equal to y?
Chaim Amalek, the Hardest, Working Man on l-keford.com
The term "porno-social arsonist", like "porno-social anarchist" or "anarcho-syndicalism" can be found in the Concordance of Feminist Neuro-Linguistics, edited by Chomsky and Pepperweiner. You can find a copy at your local university bookshop. Or ask your readers, and watch the additional free copy roll in.
Luke: Chaim, why don't you ever come to Porn Star Trading?
Chaim: I do not go to PST for two reasons:
1. security.
2. as you know, I do not exist outside of the imagination of l-keford.com.
Since you already are on PST, what could I possibly add to it?
And, for this evening, a third reason. Miss KJ is here, along with the young lady who is her assistant. I would be one very rude host not to attend to their needs.
Fischel Teitelbaum, ex Satmar yeshiva student, writes: Shalom Chaver! Fischel is happy that you seem to be happy in arms of jewish woman! I hope that all works out for well for you, but I must raise issue that you need to consider. since she is only pretty smart jewish girl who will date you, perhaps is problem? CHAS VE SHOLOM - WHAT IF SHE IS MAMZER [bastard]! Luke, chaver, you must ask yourself if you would marry her if she is mamzer. Then bnai [children of] Luke would be mamzerim too! Perhaps she is mamzer who will trick you into marrying her?
Luke needs to find out the truth from her and fast! Perhaps your friends in porn could fix you up with private I to help find the truth! Anyway, maybe she is not mamzer, and all will work out between you and your beshert!
Abortion and Islam
In the name of Allah the Merciful - Asalam Alekim!
You recently felt concern over the occupation of a woman who might become your bride. That she aborts the unborn troubles you, and you need moral guidance. Let the Holy Q'uran be your guide:
Under Islam, life is a sacred gift from God Almighty. No one is allowed to take or stop the life of anyone else except by way of justice or according to the Islamic law. Thus, the Holy Quran says: "Say: Come, I will rehearse what God has really prohibited you from: Join nothing as equal with Him; be good to your parents, kill not your children on a plea of poverty; We provide sustenance for you and for them; approach not shameful deeds, whether open or secret; take not life, which God has made sacred, except by a way of justice and law (Chapter 6, Verse 151).
Also, "Kill not your children for fear of want; it is We who provide sustenance for them as well as for you; for verily killing them is a great sin (Chapter 17, Verse 31).
What is the meaning of these verses? Clearly, that it is forbidden to kill a child even for the compelling need of want. It is not allowed to do so for any other reason except to save the life of the mother.
Thus Islam does not look at sex as an end in itself, but as a means to an end. The end of sex according to Islam is to have children. So, it is not allowed in Islam that a woman can have abortion simply because it is her wish to do so, under the pretext of keeping her beauty and to avoid responsibility. This is considered as selfishness. Should a pregnant woman make abortion without any justified reason such as the expectation of risk on the mother's life, then this act amounts to murder according so Islam.
Islam is the religion of strong family relationships. Once marriage is achieved, the two partners should have no sex with anybody else. Not only this but Islam has imposed a severe penalty on those who commit adultery even before marriage. Thus the society Islam tries to establish is a pure and chaste society where women and men are modest. It is a society that does not raise the madness of sex nor does it exploit women's bodies under the false claim of freedom. It is a pure society that is immune from all evils resulting from sex. It is thus free from AIDS, Herpes, and other evils and epidemics that became rampant in modern free-sex communities.
For humanity to be saved of all the ailments of modern civilization, it has to follow the laws of Islam in sex relationships. We can safely say that Islam's attitude towards sex is the middle and the best attitude. Will people understand this and follow the path of happiness, Islam? (Much of the preceding is from my Imam)
Ishmael of Mecca, Medina, and Al-Quds
What Do All The Readers of l-keford.com Have in Common?
Lynne writes: The important question from the other day that I didn't answer was "What do all the readers of l-keford.com have in common?" Other than too much time on our hands.... I would say that most of them have at least a passing interest in porn, but some have none -- anti porn. And if it were just the porn, they'd be reading Gene Ross which, per statistics, they are not.
So what is it? The appealing aroma of Eau de Luke? A combination of well worn athletic shoes, unwashed bedding and banana smoothie, with a top note of cum splattered paper towel, the label featuring you in the famous Napoleon pose, only with your hand in your fly rather than your jacket?
Boy-Men
On his radio show today, Dennis Prager thought that most of today's hottest male actors come across as boys - Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio, Kevin Spacey, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Christian Slater. They lack the moral authority of a John Wayne.
The boy-man is now the central character in the American moviegoer's experience. This is not the cause of the boy-man societal problem but reflects the boy-man.
Spacey in American Beauty returns to boyhood, rejecting the phoniness of tradional manhood.
Yesterday's stars were men - John Wayne, Cary Grant, Humphrey Bogart, James Cagney, Jimmy Stewart.
Today's stars who do come across as men tend to have traditional values - Tom Selleck, Mel Gibson.
Jack Nicholson traditionally plays a boy-man lech.
P: We have a boy president. When I saw them and the VP standing in their tight jeans at their massive fundraiser last week, I thought, these are boys. Or maybe 50-year old men should wear tight jeans.
P mentioned a story in the Weekly Standard last year about the trend of men to shave their body hair to look more boylike.
P says there are more good single women around than good single men. Most good men are married. P says he's encouraging his daughter to marry before 30.
Anthony Quinn appeared on the Dick Cavett TV show about 20 years ago. Asked about today's leading men, he replied "They have pretty faces and flat stomachs, but there are no men."
Prager wrote the cover story in the latest June 5 Weekly Standard on the John Rocker controversy. Here's an excerpt:
There is little question that a media mob set out after Rocker not for reasons of moral principle or damage to the sport but because, for all their talk against hatred, many liberals have a great deal of hate, and the liberal media frequently foment it. Had Rocker beaten his girlfriend or wife, he would have been ignored. Had he choked his coach as Latrell Sprewell, now a beloved New York Knicks player, did, he might have received a sympathetic 3,000 word profile in the New York Times Magazine....
Certainly had Rocker chosen his ethnic targets more carefully he would have escaped media censure. If he had mocked Mormons, as former basketball player Dennis Rodman did, he might have been fined by the league, but the media would have snickered, as it did over Rodman's insults. Had he attacked Cuban-Americans, he might even have been considered a fellow liberal. The good liberal owner of the Baltimore Orioles, Peter Angelos, reportedly decided earlier this year not to hire Cubans for his team because it would upset his plans to do business with Castro. This was a policy directly comparable to that of whites-only baseball team owners who didn't hire black players until the 1950s because it would upset their racist fans. Did the media go after Angelos for this? No...
A Word To Our College Youth
Dudley Moore writes: Luke, I really feel the below message strongly.
I occasionally visit college campuses and I feel something is very profoundly amiss.
Our college youth are basically masturbating their way through their college years. They seek someone, who serves as a "something" to masturbate into, rather than seeking out committed relationships.
And it is entirely OUR fault, as society. Allow me to explain why in a very quick and dirty manner, as my time is very limited.
A COLLEGE EDUCATION IS WITHOUT QUESTION THE MOST EFFECTIVE FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL EVER DEVISED BY MODERN MAN.
Married couples in sex therapy are routinely admonished that THEY MUST NOT SEX for the duration of sex therapy. Of course, the result is ALWAYS that their sexual problems are instantly cured, and they immediately start f---ing like bunnies as soon as they are told they are NOT to have sex anymore.
Well, we're literally doing exactly this to our college youth. We put young men and women together with the message YOU ARE NOT TO MARRY NOR HAVE A FAMILY FOR THE NEXT 4 YEARS!
Of course, the alternative is for essentially all of our young college adults to enter into masturbatory relationships for the duration of college, which virtually always terminate when they leave school.
We live in an increasingly FAST and ANONYMOUS society. Our college youth gladly and naively accept that, even though they will lose all contact twice WITH EVERYONE THEY KNOW--once when they leave home, second when they leave college, it is somehow for a better future!
At least this is the message they receive from their parents and higher education: LEAVE EVERYTHING, FORGO YOUR RIGHTS TO MARRIAGE AND FAMILY, AND ENJOY YOUR STERILE MASTURBATORY COLLEGE YEARS.
I challenge you to visit any college campus, and see how regressed our college youth are. They live like CHILDREN on a protected campus which is almost entirely insulated from adult society and is really nothing more than a GLORIFIED SUMMER CAMP for kids. They could be enjoining the fight for SURVIVAL, as all true adults do. Instead, they play frisbee, and spend countless hours engaged in a continuation of child-like fraternity and sorority interests and lifestyles which have NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH THE REAL WORLD, which they have entirely and successfully escaped from.
In essence, they are spending their parent's hard-earned money on a college education, which is truly nothing more than a REGRESSIVE experience. It adds only to the dollar amount they will earn when they enter the workforce.
I submit to you that that is the ONLY real-world value they gain from sacrificing 4 years of their lives. They do not have any concept that they are living protected lives as CHILDREN and that college life is entirely a REGRESSIVE, BACK-TO-A-DEPENDENT CHILDHOOD experience.
We must make every one consciously aware that this is what is being chosen for and by our college youth. The only advantage to society is that since these college graduates will earn more, they will be able to put more into social security, which will, in a weird cyclical way, help pay for their parents' retirement!
But I think their parents would much rather have the money to spend on themselves if they truly understood the exclusively MASTURBATORY existence they are forcing their children into for a 4-year college term, with no real chance for marriage or a family, which again, is their right as humans.
What bothers me is that no one is consciously aware of or acknowledging the lifestyle we are forcing on our your people. Parents are in fact GAINING TIME, exactly 4 years in fact, by sending their kids to college. They are thereby almost certainly assured their kids will not reproduce before they have jobs and can afford to pay for them. So parents are essentially BUYING BIRTH CONTROL AND STERILITY for their kids by paying for their college education.
When the kids do marry, they will find it hard to conceive babies because they will have been on birth control pills for a total of 10 years by the time they have been married long enough to try to start families.
Please alert your readers to this ongoing human disaster of sterility through enforced masturbatory lifestyles for our college youth!
Luke's Relationship History Inventory
Questions from the book "Be Your Own Dating Service" by Nina Atwood, L.P.C.
1. List the first names of all your significant romantic partners. Describe them and how they made you feel.
Raylene - mysterious, feminine, nurturing, playful, physical, would
not commit to me (WNC), elusive, toyed with me
This made me feel: insecure, desirous, wanting, obsessed, protective,
angry, vulnerable, hurt, hungry
Devon - mysterious, feminine, nurturing, playful, physical, affectionate,
smart, WNC, lazy, sloppy
This made me feel: strong, tough, hopeful, secure,
Racquel - mysterious, physical, smart, WNC, cruel, cold, elusive
This made me feel: insecure, afraid, turned on, passionate, vulnerable,
driven, desirous, disdainful, hurt, longing.
Cheyenne - smart, warm, good, religious, jewish, physical, WNC, cold
This made me feel: passionate, secure, safe, respectful, sad.
Janine - smart, elusive, aloof, controlling, disciplined, driven,
ambitious, tolerant, WNC
This made me feel: insecure, longing, driven, wanting, hungry, passionate
2. What I am looking for: Someone with similar values - Judaism, God, Torah, Israel, community, shabbat and shabbat dinners with a white tablecloth and candles. Classical music, reading. Sense of humor.
I am attracted to mysterious and elusive brunettes who remind me of my dead mommy. I want to relive the dynamics of my very early childhood but work them through in a positive fashion.
I want someone who makes me feel good about myself. Someone who brings out the best in me. Someone who's not ashamed of me and doesn't put me down in public. I want someone to play with, have pillow fights and verbal jousting, but no cruelty. Someone who will move me into a better social circle. She will nudge me in public so that I make fewer phoupas.
I see us going for lots of walks and talking and laughing. I see us going to shul and praying. We will watch the Dallas Cowboys. We will vote Republican.
She won't be too insistent that I go down on her though she will love blowing me.
She will guide me into making more money. She will do most of the grocery shopping and food preparation and looking after the kids. She will want several kids.
She will find it amusing and interesting that I write on porn, rather than shocking and horrifying.
We will commit ourselves to monogamy and personal growth.
I will be able to express to her my dark side and it won't threaten her. She'll enjoy my cutting humor.
We won't compete with each other. We'll create a safe place. She'll be understanding of my family's eccentricities.
Non-negotiables: Drug free. Non-abusive, verbally or phyically, eg, chronic lateness, arriving drunk for dates, verbal putdowns, infidelity, cancelling at the last minute. Handles finances with integrity.
Negotiables: Vegetarian. Non-smoker. Similar age and background. Enjoys the beach. Perhaps she will show me how to dance and how to sing on tune.
Email Luke if you have many
of the above qualities. Please include a photo.