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Sunday, May 21st, 2000

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Porners Robbed In Cannes

Five different groups of porners, including Pierre Woodman, got robbed simultaneously in Cannes Wednesday night. Woodman had all his video equipment stolen as well as $50,000 in cash.

A bunch of producers got hit the Wednesday night they went to the Hot D'Or Show. They got totally ripped - video cameras, passports, money, everything. Probably an inside job. We know you're not going to be home, at your villa... Porners take cash with them to Cannes to pay cash for scenes.

Saturday Night Live Skit

Chupatinha writes on RAME: In case you missed it, tonight's Saturday Night Live opened with Tim Meadows as "Ladies Man" doing a Dating Game knockoff called "Who wants to be my Skank?" with Sara Michelle Geller, Gina Gershon and Florance Henderson all doing REALLY raunchy jokes and ending with:

Ladies Man: Skankettes, what is the most unusual place you've ever made whoopee?
SMG: In the butt........ler's closet at the playboy mansion.
Gina Gershon: In the Ass.......pen Colorado jail.
Florence Henderson: Right up the old Hershey Highway....just outside of Hershey PA in the back seat of a car.

All the girls seemed to REALLY get off on being nasty and Gina Gershon looked ready for porn in a big way.

The Violation of Luke F-rd

Curious writes: Like many porn viewers I too have an X-rated script that's a sure fire smash. I have titled it, "The Violation of Luke F-rd." Here's the synopsis: A reverse gang bang featuring internet porn journalist / unabashed cad, Luke F-rd. It features Luke and every single women that Luke has pissed off in the last 10 years. Wipe that smile off your face Luke. You are bound nude to a rack and each woman is wearing a strap-on dildo. I haven't even procured the financing yet and AVN has already given it a 5A rating! Gene Ross raves, "Pre-Nom for Movie of the Year! The standard of porn for the new millennium!"

Barbara Cartland Dies

LONDON (AP) - Dame Barbara Cartland, self-styled queen of romantic fiction and considered the world's best-selling author, died in her sleep Sunday after a short illness, her family said. She was 98.

``Personally I want to be loved, adored, worshipped, cosseted and protected. Judging by the Romantic boom, this is what women all over the world want, too,'' she said.

``The permissive society has been an awful, crashing flop,'' she once said. ``There's no reason for all that pornography, which is quite disgusting.''

New Studs In Porn

Pat Riley writes on RAME: Reading about Earl Slate's cache of syringes and needles described on Luke F-rd's site (supposedly Caverjet or similar) it just occurred to me that the usual response of Gunn and South to the reason we can't have new studs in porn is now completely false. Not because of Caverjet (why use old fashioned technology) but Viagra. There is now absolutely no reason why any barely functioning male can't get a hard-on and keep it up--rock solid--for enough time to shoot a scene. So what's the next excuse, Messrs Gunn and South?

David: Maybe they'll talk about the real one: money. Good looking men (like Private studs) want more cash to appear in porn than the Hardman/Hatcher/Masters hideous gang.

Jim Gunn: True, you do get what you pay for in large part. I do shoot some of the popular studs in L.A. when I do bigger-budgeted features for that reason.

Actually, you're still somewhat mistaken, Patrick. I wrote a long essay or two about this a long time ago on rame (deja.com should still have it archived if you really want to refer to it) explaining some of the reasons why it is difficult to introduce reliable new male talent in the business. Reasons like the lack of males in the potential workforce *truly* willing to do this job as opposed to just talking or dreaming about it is something that you always overlook. Not to mention the difficulty of sexually performing under the less than comfortable conditions of a porn set, even a relaxed one, also is a factor that STILL makes recruiting new male talent difficult.

Anyway, Viagara and needle injections are not the wonder drugs that at first glance they might appear to be. Even *with* proper stimulation, and temporary chemical enhancement it's just not easy for a male to perform. Some of the pro guys I hire have told me that this kind of chemical stimulation does indeed help quote-unquote "a little bit", but Viagara-popping or no, Joe Blow off the street still is no guarantee of good wood. It takes a little more than that, and unfortunately, the mental and/or physical consitution required to be a good adult movie stud is one of those amorphous traits that will probably always be hard to pin down.

I would just like to add, before you make your inevitable reply, that I've tried to do my part. From reading your extremely amusing books I know that you've seen this for yourself since you actually reviewed almost all of my various movies and series over the last several years where I debuted new talent, both male and female. I take that as a compliment coming from a ball-busting critic like you, by the way. Anyway, between the dozens of new males I tested in various locations, cities, countries and situations it was *always* a dicey crap shoot with new males, despite my and their best efforts. I got a decent end result as often as not but it was not always easy. You'll just have to take my word on this since long ago you refused my invitation of a visit to a set in order to get an eyefull for yourself. In any case, I still am shooting new talent, mostly female, but also the occasional male too- it's one of the recurring themes of the releases under my new Jim Gunn Productions label so stay tuned.

Mike South: I have a couple of new ones Im gonna be giving a shot at it but I dont have Viagra nor would I give it to them if I did (thats a felony) While my usual stance is that if you need drugs to do this job (male or female) you have no business in this business I may make an exception to my long standing zero tolerance policy on drug use and allow Viagra. But like Jim I don't think it is the end all for getting, and keeping an erection. Thorw in the fact that its hard to even get most of them to go get a f---ing HIV test and I wouldnt hold my breath waiting on a new crop of Matt Ramseys or whatever it is you are interested in Pat.

Eddie Nash Arrested For 1981 Laurel Canyon Murders

John Holmes' friend Eddie Nash has been arrested for the 1981 "Four on the Floor" Laurel Canyon murders.

From Saturday's LA Times:

The indictment accuses Nash of bribing a juror in his 1990 trial in the Laurel Canyon murders, which ended in a mistrial when the panel deadlocked 11 to 1 for conviction.

He was also accused of trying to bribe witnesses in a civil case filed against him by his lawyers over nonpayment of legal fees.

His arrest culminated a four-year investigation by the FBI, the IRS, the California attorney general's office and the Los Angeles Police Department's organized crime and vice division.

According to the indictments, from 1975-1992 Nash and his associates dealt large amounts of heroin, cocaine and marijuana out of various Hollywood nightclubs he owned, including the Seven Seas, the Starwood, the Odyssey, Ali Baba's and the Kit Kat Club. In the course of carrying out their criminal enterprise, the government said, they engaged in murder, violence, intimidation, bribery and money laundering.

Five of Nash's associates, including two now dead, were named as unindicted co-conspirators:

* Hovsep Mikaelian, also known as Joe McLean, 49, of North Hollywood, accused of supervising the storage, distribution and sale of illicit drugs for Nash. Mikaelian is serving a 14-year federal prison term on a 1997 conviction for narcotics trafficking, wire fraud and tax evasion.

* Mikaelian's brother, Hrant, 45, also of North Hollywood, accused in the indictment of drug trafficking, wire fraud and money laundering. He pleaded guilty last year in an unrelated international money laundering case and is to be sentenced later this year.

* Harry Diramarian, 58, of Pasadena, an accountant who worked for Nash and the Mikaelians. He was alleged to have been involved in the drug ring's money laundering and bribery activities. Diramarian is awaiting sentencing in an unrelated $600,000 tax evasion scheme.

* Gregory DeWitt Diles, Nash's 300-pound bodyguard, who was described in the indictment as a participant in the Laurel Canyon murders. He died in 1995.

* John Curtis Holmes, a pornographic film star, accused in the indictment of trafficking drugs and taking part in the killings. Holmes was tried in the slayings in 1982 and was acquitted. He died in 1988 of AIDS complications.

Luke: Various porners I've talked to over the years believed that Eddie Nash had ordered the murders. Some believed that Holmes took part in them. Few expressed much regret over the deaths of the drug dealers.

Eddie's son was an investor in Lynne L-patin's shortlived Casino Productions which made the recent Dave Hardman movie which Lynne just sold to Zane.

Lynne writes: Eddie's son was never an investor with Casino Productions. Cool guy, though. Some of Eddie's friends helped Bruce and I out a whole lot at the end, there, but I know nothing from 1981 (I was going to school on the east coast) or 1990. It's now Casino Veterinary Hospital.

I'd like to express some regret for the potential incarceration of Eddie Nash, because I have a hard time staying mad for ten years. He's an older guy, and needs to be plea bargained into something appropriate to who he is in 2000, not 1980 (twenty years ago). Your semantics are off. He has not been arrested for the murders. He has been arrested for bribing a juror from the murder trial.

J.B. Rides Off Into The Sunset

Veteran porn production manager J.B. is riding off into the sunset of mainstream work. He writes: "I am in pre production on a project which will shoot in L.A. July-August for 18-24 days, and then September-October will start principal photography on #2 of a 4 picture deal (film #1 was what I just wrapped), most likely to be shoot outside of the state of California, due to economic incentives offered by other locales. Gotta be movin on. Time to ride off into the sunset."

Dominus Vobiscum Et Tu Spiri Tu Tuo

Luke: "What's going on with the Buck Adams film Fade To Blue?"

JB: "It's been taken off life support and is dead and buried. I still hold all the shot film and model releases. I've been approached several times: 'We're going to pay everybody. Just give it to us, it will be ok.' I go, yeah ok, I will give it to you as soon as you pay everybody. They don't know who they're f---ing with. I'm not a jackass. I do have some really simple morals, like 'Do the right thing.' And they f---ed a bunch of people and I'm not giving this up ever. I'll take it [footage] to my grave.

"Until they pay who they owe. Until then, they can all f---ing blow me. They even said, 'We can come and get it.' Well, come and get it then. Come and get it! How many people do you want to see dead? Come and get it. Come to my f---ing house, violate my f---ing castle and f--- with me and see what happens.

"I never see this movie getting finished. By the time they ever got around to doing anything, they will find that half the talent is gone. The life expectancy of a porn star is three to six months. How do you expect any continuity? And no continuity means no cable sale. You're stuck with an expensive gonzo."

Jill Kelly On Howard Stern

Bullshwa writes on RAME: Hey did anyone see Jill Kelly on Howard Stern the other night. She promoted her old website and talked about her ex Cal and some other s---. She was rated by rapper/street pimp JT Money on how much dat ass will bring in and she Got $1,000 not bad for a big titted cock swallowing porn whore.

Donita Spotted In Seattle

Jellico writes on RAME: Earlier today I saw hugely breasted Donita walking downtown Seattle today. I walked by her and saw those huge tits (she had on a pink jacket). I did a double-take, then wondered if she was performing somewhere or lived here. Anybody know? She is very tall (5'11" or 6'). She's got some weight on her too (besides the silicone mams).

Chessie Moore

Voyager7 writes on RAME: A few years back, I had the pleasure of seeing Chessie Moore in a private fantasy booth. This is before you guys let on that she did canines and other beasties of the animal kingdom. Anyway, had I known this info, I would have asked her about her animal husbandry antics, all, I was able to get out of her, was that Ron Jeremy was the best f--- she ever had. I was stunned..... She was a strange cookie.

Stacy Valentine on Roseanne

Bulshwa: Stacy said she liked porn and didn't seem like a victim. She pretty much agreed with everything Roseane said and seemed kinda ditzy. Roseane said she would like to do porn. And Stacy said Marc Davis is her favorite guy to work with.

Patrick Collins

Owsley writes on RAME: I remember not so long ago when Elegant Angel was a top porn company but now I avoid all of Collin's tapes like the plague. But somebody must still like them (or they have a great deal with distributors) because every porn store I've been in has a huge amount of Elegant Angel tapes.

Israel's Sex Trade

Uri Dan writes in the New York Post: JERUSALEM - ISRAEL'S sex trade was under a spotlight last week when Amnesty International charged authorities here with failing to deal with the trafficking in women from the former Soviet Union. The report described the trade in young women and the pimps who control them with kidnapping and torture.

Yossi Sedbon, the head of Israeli police investigations, explained that "one of the main problems" in dealing with the white slave trade "is that there is no [Israeli] law against selling women."

Sedbon added that "only a minority of the women working here as prostitutes are kidnapped and forced into prostitution" - meaning they came to Israel fully aware they were entering the world's oldest profession. Still, the Amnesty report shocked Israelis with details of individual women.

"Anna," a 31-year-old physics teacher and mother of an 8-year-old daughter, was promised by an Israeli she could earn $1,000 a month, a colossal sum in her native Russia. When she arrived in Israel, her passport was taken away and she was locked in an apartment with six other women. She was put up for auction and sold for $10,000 to a pimp who took her to Haifa to work as a prostitute. After she was arrested in a police raid, she was kept in detention for a month while she gave evidence against the pimp - then was expelled from Israel.

Little Known Porn Facts

Jed writes on RAME:

1. Before hitting it big in porn Peter North used the alias Matt Ramsey to conceal his work as a telemarketer.
2. Although she said "I'll have sex with anyone who has 600 dollars and a condom" Marilyn Star does have some unattractive personality traits.
3. Wendy Whoppers real name is Carol Whoppers.
4. Despite the fact that one can buy a copy of the 100 million-dollar budget Titanic for 15 dollars and it takes 30 bucks to buy the 5000 dollar budget Dr. Fellatio, porn producers have the consumers best interests at heart.
5. Clerks at video stores don't laugh at porn renters behind their back.
6. Some actresses prefer not to have Max Hardcore urinate in their mouth.
7. As a young child Marc Wallice altered his birth certificate so he could get a library card.
8. After deciding she wasn't contributing to society as a nurse, Nina Hartley dedicated her life to letting strangers ejaculate on her face.
9. A well-known porn actress is only a dissertation, 3 college degrees, and a GED from earning a doctorate in aeronautical engineering.
10. A few porn performers haven't been prudent with their earnings and will have to find a second career after they retire from show biz.

Net Scoop

Scoop writes: Luke, As a REAL Internet Porn insider,I have to tell ya some of the comments about the AVN awards are right on the money. For those of us that have been in this side of the business from the beginning and have busted our asses to make VERY successful Business's,to have AVN come in(after being fully divorced for Steve Hearn in this affair) and basically pay homage to only a few of the big long time players and basically ignore the rest on the Internet porn industry is UNREAL. The nominations and the majority of winners show little understanding of WHO makes this side of the business go around and was a horribly POOR attempt to do the right thing for an industry they are just starting to get involved with.NOBODY who has been around knew who half of those nominees were..That's because what AVN thought it would do is kiss the asses of those they THOUGHT were the big Players and kiss the asses of companies from the main stream Biz that opened web sites in the last 6 months and Ill bet the majority of the latter don't get 5 thousand hits a MONTH.PURE BULLs---!! When companies like Web Quest,Hi Rise,Insite Investments and CEN don't win a thing and more importantly aren't even nominated something stinks BIGTIME!!! Look to ADULTDEX AWARDS in June...those will show who the REAL players are!!!

Penthouse Dives

From the April 17, 2000 issue of the New York Observer:

...[T]he company that brought crotch shots and phone-sex ads to America’s newsstands now faces collapsing revenues, soaring operating losses, an ocean of cash-flow red ink and $52 million of junk bonds that are due by year’s end. Fundamentally the company breaks even on an operating basis but goes into the hole with roughly $8 million of interest expense and, unfortunately, the direction is south. Thank goodness we’ve got Macho Man’s sinewy muscles-arms aloft like Lawrie’s Atlas-holding the whole business from gravity’s ultimate embrace. Otherwise, can you imagine where we’d be if America’s inmate and garage mechanic populations lacked access to the sort of literature that Macho Man has made so famous?

Mr. Guccione is on the ropes for a simple reason: In the American media’s race to the bottom, his business has become a purveyor of such raw and unappealing trash that nobody wants to have anything to do with it anymore. (Try this: Leave a copy of Penthouse on your desk for a day and see how people look at you thereafter.)

Indieplanet.com

Greg writes Luke: Luke, I'd like to introduce myself: My name is Gregg Goldstein, and I'm the new film channel editor at IndiePlanet ( www.indieplanet.com/film ), a new Web site dedicated to independent films and filmmakers. I've followed your site with great interest over the past few years, and thought this was the right time to introduce you to mine.

We're publishing an issue dedicated to porn - a very indie form of cinema in many ways, if you think about it - which will be up from Tuesday, May 23 to Sunday, June 4. We'll be running:

--a feature and video artist profile of Bill Margold, who's multifaceted work in the porn industry I'm sure you're familiar with... --a hilarious first-person article from Michael Yetter on his experience as a porn actor...
--a brief overview of the history of porn, from the first nudie films a century ago to the adult stars of today...
--an insider's look at porn editing techniques...
--an essay on some of the adult film actors who've achieved crossover success...
--a look back at Caligula and its classic "making of" documentary on DVD.

How About A Bio Of Krista aka K.C. Hall?

Brevin writes: Hey, I love your site and I've been visiting it for quite a while. I was wondering...how about doing a Bio/Review on Krista. I was surprised not to find a bio done on her within your extensive alphabetical list of actresses. After all, she was known as on of the more enthusiastic performers up there with brunettes such as Kristy Canyon. Here is a short statement on her from www.excaliburfilms.com:

Krista is a sultry young fox from Houston, Texas who stormed into the porn industry in 1993 and hasn't let up yet. She's a luscious brunette with a full, shapely body that's got all the right moves when it comes to sex. Krista's got a tremendous set of 36C breasts, large-nippled wonders that are at home in any big-boob themed video. Much more than just your typical chesty starlet, though, Krista has earned her porn stripes with a host of truly raw and wild appearences that have established her as one of the most sex-crazed new stars of the 90's. She may not be the most gorgeous blonde on the Vivid Roster, but she is one of the most memorable in terms of the energy she put into her scene (She Is My Personal Favorite)

So how about it? As one of the most well known brunette's among fans of adult film, she definitely deserves it.

Excalibur Films & Shawna Edwards

Moby writes: Luke, Sometime very recently Excalibur Films removed Shawna Edwards from their Porn Star Mall. There still is a listing to Shawna Haverland, but it is a dead link. Did something happen to Shawna or did she hook up seriously with some porn power that wanted this down. I think you noted that you last saw her at a party with Jay Ashley. What's up Mr. Luke??

Lynne Trims Quim

The Violation of Dianna Roth Ad Copy Reads: Poor Dianna Roth. By seeking out the stern discipline of Master Loren Sterling, does she get much more than she bargained for. Not only is her milky white ass red with welts from his experienced hands, but her wild & overgrown pubic and underarm hair is savagely trimmed as well. Never before has punishment been taken so severe nor so given so mercilessly.

Amused writes: Having seen the photos of Dianna/Lynne's "wild and overgrown" pubic hair I contend that the video should have been titled "The Deforestation of Diana Roth." Sheesh!

Lynne replies: This is funny! A modest woman should only moderate her pubic hair at the behest of her husband, other than what might be necessary for aquatics classes. Keeping one's pubic hair trimmed in case a guy might see it is sorta like being called a slut for having a condom in one's pocket. Only at least the condom will keep you alive. Keeping one's pubic hair trimmed is just a pain in the cunt.

Amused writes: Fair enough. That Amazonian rain forest in your underwear may be a fire hazard, but it really is none of my concern. Your unshaven arm pits probably do give you a more European appearance and a certain lesbian folk singer cache that may be popular in the pacific northwest, however, as you estrogen levels continue to plummet there is a very high probability that you will be joining the ranks of the mustachioed. Will your upper lip suffer the same depilatory neglect that the rest of your body has suffered? ps Did it ever occur to you that your Rip Van Winkle "beard" may have cost you a coveted Vivid contract, Miss Roth?

http://204.248.236.8/cgi-win/xvidtest.exe/CGI?alp0000V01435000
http://204.248.236.8/cgi-win/xvidtest.exe/CGI?alp0000V01435000

LCPofUSA Seeks Financing

LCPofUSA writes on RAME: I arranged to have a few "non-sexual" scenes from one of my screenplays posted on the newsgroup. Strangely enough, I got few responses, either good or bad. I assume that this is because 99% of the members here are still porno people who have little or no interest in actual erotic movies, even though I am convinced that a good erotic movie would do everything that a skin flick would do and a lot more.

Anyway.... I think I have found a film maker who could shoot the movies with mainstream quality and would be willing to do so, and who sees the potential for mass appeal and worldwide distribution. However, I still need the financing. Therefore, I am now looking for investment capital. A minimum of $50,000.00. I will invest $5,000.00 myself and will accept any other offers of from $1,000.00 to $5,000.00. All monies would be held in a liquidable, interest bearing account (probably a money market fund) and would be considered commited (non-refundable) once production began. Any one single person who is willing to invest more than $5,000.00 would get Executive Producer billing. If anyone is interested, please E-mail me. lcpofusa@aol.com

P.S. From what I gather, it might be worth it to some of you just to try to prove me wrong. However, that's not going to happen because I wouldn't put up my own money, or put in 14 to 16 hour days, if I wasn't convinced of the success of this project.

Jim Gunn replies on RAME: So in other words you *still* have essentially nothing. Your film script excerpt was stunningly commonplace, not unlike somethng Paul Thomas might direct for Playboy TV or at best like a script for a Grade-Z erotic thriller such as might appear on Cinemax late at night. Big whoop- scripts of that nature are a dime a dozen and worth on the free market, at most $1,000. Your film maker is inconsequential unless he is not only talented enough to pull off mainstream style production, but more importantly owns all his own equipment or has access to expensive gear cheaply and can supply crew to use it at cost - something I highly doubt .

You especially have NO hope of seeing one thin dime of financing, based on this script excerpt considering your utter lack of experience in the film business, not to mention that fact that everyone thinks you are an annoying asshole. Furthermore let's assume the miracle happens- assuming for a second that you prove us all wrong and you actually get a white knight or group of investors to throw their money away on your project. Assuming you actually cast the movie, assuming that some competent film maker actually does the job and you wind up with a finished product- so what?

You've now got $50,000 plus sunk into a spec movie with no guaranteed distribution, no obvious market, and a gaggle of partners who will no doubt be at each others' throats over control of a project being peddled through all the wrong channels by an egomaniac who likes to insult people who actually have accomplished soemthing in their lives. If this is not a formula for disaster, I dont know what is.

Your continued posts here on r.a.m.e. are pointless. Rame is not a place to make this project happen if you haven't figured that out yet. However you have the uncanny ability to make people dislike you. If there is any way to turn that trait into a successful enterprise, I recommend that you give up this movie pipe dream and go follow your muse in that direction.

How To Finance A Porn Movie?

Chaim Amalek writes: Luke, I am no porner, but I do not see why financing porn should be all that difficult. First, consider the costs:

Camera crew: Zero. Just hire a few college kids looking for kicks and serve them free pizza. Even better, get some film school geeks and promise them roles in future endeavors.

Lighting: Follow the lead of the Danes and use ambient lighting.

Tape: A hundred bucks for the high quality stuff?

Script: Huh? Ok, if you want one, write it yourself some free afternoon.

Talent: How much can it cost to hire a decent hooker or two for a day's work, anyway? But if it costs more than a few hundred bucks, offer them residuals or something in the finished product. (E.g., an offer of 15% of every dollar earned in excess of $250,000 should work on at least some of the women and likely not cost the porner one cent.)

Video Duplication Expenses: Make only those copies for which advance orders have been received (See below).

Marketing: Sell it on Ebay. Push it on USENET, in chat rooms, wherever wankers gather. Skip the video stores. Befriend Luke F-rd and get him to plug the stuff for free.

Ancillary Income: Product placements. (E.g., "For only $400, we will have a can of Coke in this scene instead of a Pepsi" - letter to be sent to Pepsi) Auction off the chance to be one of the male leads on Ebay. This is not rocket science or baba metzia. You do not have to have the smarts of a Hilary Clinton (my future Senator) or a Susan Thomases (her special "friend") to do this. Anyone with credit cards and sufficiently limber morals should be able to make a porn video for spare change, and if he is at all bright, be able to earn a few sheckels as well. Not that you should . . . .

Steve from www.adultstarsmagazine.com writes: Luke tell your buddy Chaim to read Peter North's column in ASM concerning filming a porn. Just remember s--- in s--- out. You do it cheap you get s---.

Luke: Yeah Chaim, especially when compared to the normally high quality of porn movies.

Alana Evans

Alana writes: Hi Luke; I was told that you posted some info on your site and I just saw it for myself. I appreciate the attention. The name is Alana Evans. Your site says Alan. Thanks for letting everyone else know my exhusband is a loser. I sure hope my sweetheart's exwife reads about what I was doing on the way home while she was crying. Always Nasty, Alana, http://www.alanaevans.com

Bullshwaa writes: Went to her site and shes selling a movie and is personally autographing it for $20.00 quite a good deal I think. But what I wanted to say was I think Alana Evans is the next really big thing in porn. Shes been around for 2 years already but I think people are finaly starting to pay attention to her. I think if she keeps going with the momentum she has right now she'll be much much more famous than Jenna Jameson ever dreamed.

Jewish Missionaries

Rumdar was reading Luke's autobiography and found this: "I quickly found that Jews don't seek converts to Judaism. "If you want to convert, that's fine. But you have to come to us," is the general Jewish attitude. That I was too sick to leave the house was my bad luck. Thinking about the red-carpet treatment that Christians roll out for converts, I felt hurt."

Luke.. I clicked on the red banner after the story of the Christian tittie dancer and skimmed. Came upon the paragraph above.. I was sitting in Luby's cafeteria a few years ago with my then frizzy haired Jewish girlfriend who was the spitting image of NJG. This was during my pre Asian days. Her young cousin had just become a Rabbi and had joined us for chow. I asked him this question..."Why is it there are no Jewish Missionaries?" You know, "Jews In Canoes" as it were, paddling upstream to convert the heathen savages (and ultimately steal their land). I wondered if it was because Jews are not very good paddlers. He looked at me without a twitch and answered "Who would want our problems?" That is a true story.

Matt Ramsey writes: Hi Luke: I came across your site a few months back and I find your contradictory persona really fascinating. What I find the most interesting about you is your conversion to Judaism. Now, I'll admit that what drew me to your site was the adult stuff but when I read about your journey to find Judaism I was impressed. I'm a gay (but celibate) Latin guy here in Los Angeles who has always felt an attraction to Judaism. I'm 30y/o, and was raised Catholic but ever since I was a young kid, I would spend hours in the library just reading Judaica. I'll admit that I am not all that educated on the religion but whenever I hear somebody speak about the Jewish faith, I'm unbelievably moved. It just feels and sounds right.

About 4 months ago, I finally worked up the nerve to visit the Synagogue near my house and asked at the office whether or not it was OK for me to attend a Sabbath servicce. I had no idea if visitors were allowed or what "kind" of Temple it was. Well, the people were extremely kind and let me know that the Temple was a conservative one and that my attendance was more than welcome. I was really excited that following Saturday morning to finally have the chance to sit in on a Jewish service. I can't tell you how moved I was by the traditions and words. I felt so at home. Everything seemed right. I was asked by the congregants to join them for some wine and bread after the service. I did join them and had some interesting conversations with the people. They were all so welcoming. Now, despite the warm welcome, I haven't been back.

Now, like I said, I was raised Catholic. 12 years of Catholic school, the whole 9 yards. But I remember being about 8 or 9 yrs. old and being taught that I was supposed to worship this man named Jesus. Then I learned that Jesus was the Son of G-d and that Jesus was Jewish. Jewish?. Well, I thought even at that age, well if G-d's Son is Jewish then why wasn't I Jewish. Now, I'll admit that it's a childish approach to immense theological thought but it was the event that sparked my interest. My dilema now, however, is what it would mean to be a Mexican Jew. I'm not all wrapped up in my ehnicity but being Mexican and all of the familial traditions that go along with that (which I love) are SO tied up with Catholicism. I guess Jews don't have the guilt thing all wrapped up cause this lapsed Catholic doesn't know how my family would react to my TOTAL abandonment of my faith. I believe in G-d. There's no doubt of that. Now how I spend my life maintaining that relationship is where I find myself now. I'm so confused. I thought that maybe you could let me know a bit about your personal experience with conversion. I know that you have your diaries there on your site and I haven't had the chance to read them all but maybe you could give me some advice about how I could go about taking a couple of steps toward. Also, what is physically involved in conversion. Did you have to get circumcised? Did you have a mikvah? What was all of that like.

Luke: It was fine. I was already circumsized. Conversion is not easy but not dauntingly difficult either.

PS: You're probably wondering what a gay guy is doing at your site. Well you do have a male porn star section. Some of the guys are pretty cute. I read on your site that Rocco Siffredi got circumcised some time back, is that true? Speaking of circumcision, what up with Julians penis, is that just a bad circ job? He looks sorta uncut sometimes. Oh, well I thought these questions might lighten up the tone of the stuff above. Not to mention, I sorta kept with a similar theme. Oh, well, that's all for now. Bye.

Free Career Advice For Web Wanker Woman Samantha

Chaim Amalek writes about Samantha from www.I-candicam.com: First, regarding the Putative "Grad Student" with the guy's name (I have learned you wankers the word "putative," which now crops up all the time on your web site), get real!

The only reason she does what she does is for money - not that there is anything wrong with that. I mean, do you know what a grad student in theology can otherwise expect to earn? Zilch! She sounds like just another f---ed up catholic girl to me - nothing newsworthy in that. And she is too old to be doing this.

At 32, a woman should be at home, taking care of her man and raising their children. She is on the road to ruin. And don't fall for that bisexual business, either. I can guarantee that by the time she is 40, she will be suffering from full blown lesbianism, just like the Jewess Ellen Steinberg and any number of spinster feminists within the Clinton administration. That is the way things are. Now, if you could dig up say, a young female grad student at Yeshiva University who is wanking on the web, I would be really impressed.

Second - ha Parsha Shavout [Torah portion of the week, usually taken from the Nazi Pierce]. Rather than the usual portion from the pen of William Pierce, I thought that as a change of pace I would forward to you a copy of the sort of article that can best be described as Future Nostalgia. This is the sort of thing Zionists will trade amongst themselves decades hence as they recall the good old days.

News story: More than 20 years of Israeli spying operations in Washington culminated in the interception of e-mails from President Bill Clinton, intelligence sources claimed last week.

The revelations come at a sensitive time as Ehud Barak, the Israeli prime minister, is ex-pected to fly to Washington today for talks with Clinton about the Middle East peace process. The latest spying operation is said to have taken place in 1998 while Benjamin Netanyahu was Israel's prime minister.

What Kind Of Jew Are You?

Chaim Amalek writes: Luke, here is a serious matter that you can discuss at your next Jewish Singles event (although having gone to one, it is very likely that you will NEVER attend another):

The correlation of forces arrayed against Israel continues to grow in political lethality and her security continues to deteriorate from the Zionist perspective. I regret to share with you my conclusion that it is at least 60% certain that for the third time in history, the Jewish State will fall to the application of superior arms and political will, and that it will fall within 30 years. Israel will go the way of South Africa and Rhodesia, except with much, much more bloodshed.

The parsha shavout that I have for you and your jewish readers is - How would you respond, as a jew, to the destruction of the State of Israel? Would you:

1. Start pretending to be a goy and just fade away? (Just think of all the racial/ethnic reassignment work that awaits our plastic surgeons!)
2. Agitate for some hopeless intervention by the much enervated multi-racial West, and become embittered when such intervention fails to materialize?
3. Conclude that Israel fell because of its failure to be true to the Torah, as the Haredim define such truth, and go Black Hat?
4. Come to actively hate God?
5. Live your lives just as if Israel had not fallen?
6. Engage in endless reminiscences of a Vanished World? (If you think the current endless discussion of the Holocaust is too much . . . )
7. Baptize your children?
8. Riot against all the Haredi yeshivot in America?
9. Join whichever white racialist gangs would have you as members?
10. Join some cult (e.g., go red)?

So tell me Luke and all you Jews out there willing to step out of your semitic closets for a moment, what will the fall of Israel mean to you? And how do you suppose your communities would respond - by growing closer to their rabbis and to torah, or by walking away from the torah as fast as their MJ sneakers would take them?

Luke: Number five, except that I would be very sad.

Rumdar writes: Luke.. Just came across Chaim Amalek's prediction that Israel as a Jewish State will be a goner in thirty years. Now, I do not know how old Mr. Amalek actually is but human hairball D.Roth keeps referring to him as an old geezer. Let's give him a break and say he is fifty. Tack on thirty or thirty-five years and that makes The Old Liberal Jew either dead of suffering from a bad case of Hebrew altzheimers. In other words, who gives a s---? Is this a problem that should concern any of us now? To save the day the Old Liberal One may want to give up his position as rug muncher Rodham's election organizer and devote more energy to Jewish problems.

I suggest he become the world's first Jewish Missionary. Hey Chaim, rent a canoe, stick it in the Hudson River and start paddling towards Canada. Spread the Yiddisha Gospel along the route. Seek converts for the predicted Holocaust II. Put a few good words in for Hillary along the way. And did you know Israel has a good friend in our future President "Boy" George Bush? It is true. A reporter asked The Lord High Executioner of Texas why he was such a staunch supporter of the Jewish State. Junior cleared his nose, thought for five or ten minutes and answered "because they are our buddies".....so don't worry so much. Putative gunslinger Charlton Heston has everything under control. Hey, I have to go clean my 9mm Makarov ....cactus rum

PS..I will choose not # 5 like Luke, but number 10. I am already thinking of becoming Falun Gong. You would not believe all those tasty Asian sweethearts doing yoga and meditation exercises in Hermann Park.

PPS. Chaim...Welcome back. You were missed.

God Hates Faggotry

From Mission Viejo non-orthodox rabbi Martin S. Cohen:
In fact, there are no references of any sort in the Hebrew Bible to homosexuality or to homosexuals as a class of people. To the contrary -- all the sexual prohibitions presented in Scripture are specifically directed at all the people without the slightest hint that different people fall into different sexual classes.
Here too, the parallel to the dietary laws is instructive: just as the law makes no attempt to classify people into distinct groups based on whether they do or don't find a particular unkosher food appealing, so is there no indication whatsoever in Scripture that the sexual prohibitions of Leviticus are aimed at different groups of people based on whether they can or cannot see the allure in a specific forbidden act.
So while it's true that Scripture prohibits one specific act that homosexual men would naturally find attractive, serving those verses up as proof positive that the Bible loathes homosexuality --while ignoring that almost every single one of the other sins on the list is heterosexual in nature -- is to say the very least, to distort the simple meaning of Scripture.

Chaim Amalek writes: The bottom line is that the God of Tanach hates faggotry, a simple truth that no amount of Talmudic reasoning to the contrary can alter. This has nothing to do with whether this Laura person (whom I have never listened to, mainly because she appears to be very wrinkled) should be booted off the air. But the good news is that God has got nothing against lesbians, so I can continue to support Hilary Clinton, Donna Brazile (campaign manager for Al Gore) et al. with a jewishly clear conscience.

Luke: "Chaim, it is good to have you back on board."

Chaim: I had a very tough week, trying to herd all the Yeshiva Gedolim of Brooklyn into the Rodham-Clinton camp for this fall's election. What won the day was the argument that the Torah is neutral on the question of a woman's sexual preference. Chaim Amalek, Organizer.

Why Does Luke Not Write About Jewish Singles Events?

Chuck writes: Why did you not choose to write in depth about your putative experience at a Jewish singles event, even though your loyal readers cried out for it?

Luke: I will write in depth about jewish singles events...but it will be hard work... It has not risen naturally from within me. And writing on it would touch on painful issues of my own insecurites, foibles and flexible ethics. How embarrassed I am to be known within Judaism for writing on porn. Every time I meet a religious Jew I think, would this person still talk to me if he knew that I write about porn? That I made one porn movie. That I have f---ed porn stars. That I am contamined. I feel that I carry contamination with me when I enter Judaic events. I fear that girls in particular will reject me for my website, for my insecurities and neuroses... And if I started writing about this keenly personal area, I fear that I may lash out at others, at the events, because I feel so insecure within myself.

Something affirming however happened at shul Sabbath morning. Right in the middle of his sermon, the rabbi looked at me and paused. Then he went off: "Luke F-rd, it is such a shame that you do not have children. You would be the ideal husband and father. You are the type of Jew who should be raising the next generation. You embody Judaism and Judaic ideals for fathers."

Chaim Amalek writes: I say lighten up and enjoy yourself! The fact is that jewish singles events (ever notice that they are always called "events" and never "socials"?) are horrible for most normal folks and serve mainly to drive jews into the arms of Christians. Culling the herd. Most folks do not know it, but these were devised by Christian Missionaries who knew damn well what they were doing. Sure it will be painful, but so too is root canal.

You worry too much about how jews will react to your web site. OF COURSE the average rhinocised jewess will reject you for it - but do you want the average jewess? (How has your current squeeze taken it?) And if you catch s--- from them, just play up the bad boy who finds religion and things will be AOK. (I mean, some jewesses marry gentile negroes, so why shouldn't you get some too?) Should put you in better staid than any of a room full of geek accountants/lawyers (but not doctors or millionaires).

And as far as f---ing porn stars goes, the main reason that will hurt you is that it plays to the fears of the average jewess (or woman, for that matter) who fears that she is not up to matching porners in sexual star-power. You could set them straight.

Luke: Many people believe that Jewish women are sexually cold but that has not been my experience.

Fred writes: Did you know Melrose Larry Green, the guy who carries those Howard Stern signs around Melrose, has his own radio show? KIEV midnight to two am. He buys his own time. Sells advertising. He comes off surprisingly articulate. Though I get bored after five minutes. One night I tuned in and he was interviewing Dennis Woodruff, the unknown actor who wants to be famous and drives those silly cars around LA with big signs. Two peas in a pod. Ha. Melrose told him: "I'll drive my signs past your signs." Only in L.A.