Tuesday, May 16th, 2000
Vivid director Ren Savant, aka Mr Teri Diver, has been seen frolicking on Venice Beach with 19-yea old anal specialist Raquel, who sports pumped up tits.
Putative Jew Marc Putative Writes
luke--in my note to the enquirer chick (do you think we've done a good job of scaring her off by now?) i cited "curious in modesto"; i think i meant "concerned in modesto". and, ah, who can forget rumdar? i am currently fielding offers for that archies book. contact me c/o luke.
actually, the most recent pop group i've covered is the bloodhound gang, currently riding the charts with an album called "hooray for boobies." their single, "the bad touch," a facetious rap number, is doing a suitable job of making parents suspicious of what their children are listening to, with lyrics like "put your hands down my pants and i'll make you feel nuts" and chorus "you and me baby ain't nuthin' but mammals/so let's do it like they do it on the discovery channel." all very innocent peurile in the howard stern/andrew "dice" clay tradition. although, when they played a concert in toronto, it was unnerving to see around 15 barely pubescent girls invited up on stage to sing along to the song whose chorus involves the frontman lamenting that he can't find a suitable word to rhyme with "vagina".
it brings to mind all the ennui that has evolved in recent years to anything that purports to titillate. the bloodhound gang have tapped into the pre-teen market with their cutesy top 10 hit, which means plenty of 6th grade girls are currently enjoying the strains of a song like "the ballad of chasey lain". what do you think of these lyrics?
Dear Chasey Lain
I wrote to explain
I'm your biggest fan
I just wanted to ask
Can I eat your ass?
Write back as soon as you can
(chorus)
You've had a lot of dick
Had a lotta dick
I've had a lotta time
Had a lotta time
You've had a lotta dick Chasey
But you ain't had mine
Dear Chasey Lain
I wrote to complain
Ya never wrote me back
How could i ever eat
Your ass when ya treat
Your biggest fan like that?
(repeat chorus)
Dear Chasey Lain
I wrote to constrain
This letter is my last
As your biggest fan I must demand
You let me eat your ass
(repeat chorus)
sort of cuts things down to size, doesn't it? i can't be a very good rock critic, since i can't figure out why i find these lyrics to be mildly brilliant. hey, it's selling a lot more copies than the album by that 14-incher guy cast in the fluffer movie you wrote about, ke. his record from three years back was this adrogynous fashion runway music, really pretentious. nobody called him the next big anything.
Pat Riley on Porn Studs
Nora Charles writes: But why do all the conversations around this topic tend to veer toward discussions of women and not men? Reading between the lines there seems to be a sense of: it makes sense that a man would want to be in this industry but obviously no woman without severe problems would. That reasoning always seem to lead to the idea that the woman in movies are objects...Why? Didn't they make that decision?? Didn't think objects could make decisions.... So, they are chosing to be "viewed" as objects in a particular setting. Hmmmm - sounds a little like the woman who dresses in a dress cut down to here and then goes to a party (doesn't get paid though.) So if that's not the same - is it the sex part?? Back to why is okay for men to want that job and not women.....
Pat Riley writes on RAME: Uh, oh, another uppity broad of uncertain age.
Most of us don't care about the guys except as disposable dicks. It's not like they can act above grade school level. Well, on reflection that's not 100% true. Many of the males we'd like to see in a more appropriate and natural habitat: prison. Others would fit right in at the nursing homes. A little bit of ethnic cleansing (ethnicity = pornstudus uglius) would be most welcome in the industry.
So bottom line is we don't care how they got in; we just care about getting them out. What they do after porn (if they ever retire) is unimportant. The more menial the job the better.
If we were to think of them as people and hypothesize as to why they might be in the industry and whether they're normal the thought process would run along the following lines:
- They screw lots of reasonable looking girls and we pay for them to do so.
- Even if keeping it up on the set is tough (yeah!) there are probably lots of opportunities to screw the loose women in the industry.
- The lifespan of pornstudus uglius is actually quite long and where else can a 50+ year old guy like Randy West poke an 18-year old cutie pie?
- Most guys (inside and outside the industry) think with their dicks. There's little more important than getting laid so it's hardly evidence of idiocy in taking a porn stud job.
Men are objects too: support objects. They exist in most women's eyes to simply bring home the bacon (or pastrami, if you're jewish). Even if they're not actually supporting the female it's still them paying for the dates and sucking up to the broad. That's OK. We're used to it and in fact we wonder if the system ever changed whether we'd ever get laid at all.
Of course females are sex objects. Sheesh, what other use do they have? If they weren't they might as well be males. g
Both support and sex objects make decisions. You missed out a vital
word: "inanimate"
I don't really understand the reference to the low-cut dress but the parenthetical comment is incorrect. She gets paid in increased attention from the males if nothing else. Possibly leading to a date with Mr. Right and the big payoff. It's like advertising.
Nora: Ouch. Hostility. The "undetermined" age is 38. Disease free (but thanks for caring!). As far as uppity broad -- I think the term most people that know me would use is PUSHY broad, but okay. As for the rest of your post.....I'll pass. My experiences with male/female relationships doesn't quite line up with yours and I wouldn't want to be perceived as pushy : ) Besides -- I'm only here for the porn!! I'll just go lurk in a corner now until the next big discussion on whether Rocco is a monster or if Max Hardcore should be banned from porn (or put in a prison...)
Playmate Gangbang
XXX: If you check out PlanetVictoria.com, you'll see that Playmates Victoria Zdrok, Lynn Thomas and the ubiquitous Julie are doing their own girl-girl gangbang. For $3,995 a regular guy like you or I can be there while these all American girls take a walk on the wild side. Because of this, many of the other Playmates who have links and business ventures are getting angry and cutting the ties.
Victoria Zydrok writes in her online diary: Many of you have also inquired, perceptively so, whether I feel threatened by the impending 30's. In this society that overvalues female youth and beauty and undervalues our maturity and wisdom, alas, we all fall prey to the fear of aging, and I wouldn't deny the angst caused by the tiny yet persistent wrinkle below my left eye. As was aptly put in some article I have recently read, in this society women trade on their looks and men trade on their money. And correspondingly, a large percentage of beautiful women are eager to effectuate the trade before their beauty shows any signs of withering. Having grown up under the socialist rule, as homo sovieticus, I was trained to think as a more 'evolved and cultivated' human being, with little concern for appearances and much concern for knowledge, beneficial to society. This endoctrination failed to engender in me complete disregard for my looks, but had lead me to cultivate my mind and embark on a life-long intellectual quest. My interest in my appearance has intensified with the advent of Perestroika and has peaked after my move to the United States. However, I was fortunate to preserve my emphasis on my brains (coupled with marginal reliance on my looks...Well, may be not so marginal, hehe).
As far as my intellectual side is concerned, I have a cause for celebration! I was accepted in the psychological internship of my choice (I can't say where it is, guys, don't beg, last thing I need is a fan seeking a voluntary hospitalization in this hospital in hopes of being salvaged by the 'life-saving' counsel of budding Doc Zdrok. Besides, I look disappointing with no makeup, pinned up hair and baggy suits). Internship year is the final requirement for receiving my Ph.D in clinical psychology, and I am enormously excited. I am starting in September, and it would mean a substantial cut in my income from modeling and promotions. But it would also mean that I will be treating people who respect and care for me because of my warmth, empathy and knowledge, and not because of my looks. What a wonderful and refreshing thought! Not that I don't love to be admired for my appearance, but so many fail to look any further. As one of the Playboy fans admitted recently, he assumed that I was pretentious and phony based on my looks, and didn't even bother talking to me at the Glamourcon.
British Censor Fails To Ban Porn Videos
LONDON, May 16 (Reuters) - British film censors failed on Tuesday in a battle to ban the sale of explicit pornographic videos in sex shops.
The High Court in London rejected a challenge by the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) against a decision by its own Video Appeals Committee to permit seven explicit films to go on sale at British sex shops.
The titles at the centre of the case included ``Horny Catbabe,'' ``Nympho Nurse Nancy,'' ``TV Sex,'' ``Office Tart'' and ``Wet Nurses 2.''
Vegas Civilian With Knowledge
Low writes: You know about Kim McCaby (Ashlyn Gere, ex-UNLV cheerleader) from here. Well, ex-USC coach John Robinson had his UNLV football Golf Tourney last week, and apparently another or two Porner Stars were hear for that. Amazing what goes for mainstream/charity fundraising material in this town. If Van Nuys actually had another money-maker--they'd be in the same boat. Also--can we hear more about former Porners from the 80s? It's fun to hear what the hell they're doing now--maybe so as to direct other stupid coke-whores from the profession.
2 - 3 years ago, I was stuck in LAX for a few hours, and I swear to God, Lili Marlene works for Delta Airlines. She was at an idle gate, by mine, while we were delayed, and she saw me staring at her like nothing else. I couldn't believe it. I almost went up to her to say some bulls---, but then iI figured I might get stuck in a conversation with a porn skank. It was her, no doubt, and she really is a snaggle-tooth-puss. man, what used to pass for porn quality in the 80s. Video was actually KIND to this skank.
Misadventures of Max Hard-Luck
Dear Mr. Ford:
I've been a reader of yours for a few months now and I have found your site to be extremely informative. In fact, it was through your site that I discovered my current role model, international ladies' man, Max Hardcore. After viewing several of his documentaries I was struck by how easy it was to score with beautiful, young women with a direct and honest approach. Or at least I thought it was that easy.
Inspired by Mr. Hardcore I went to Banana Republic to purchase the official Max uniform (khaki fisherman vest, hiking boots, and Crocodile Dundee hat), next a stop at a medical supply warehouse for the requisite set of Max sex tools (2 lighted speculums: 1 anal, 1 vaginal), then off to the Baby Gap for a box of white ankle socks, and finally to Circuit City for a Hi-8 video camera and tripod. With my Max gear in place I went down to the nearest miniature golf course to troll for "cock sockets."
Well, I must say that I felt that all eyes were upon me as I strode about in my dashing Max costume. Feeling cocky I approached a young lovely of about 19 years of age and proffered my best Max pick up line, "How about a throat-f---?" Luke, I don't know if you've ever experienced pepper-spray, but it is not pleasant sensation to say the least. Tearful, but undeterred I beat a retreat and staggered off to the local video game parlor. Again, I confidently approached a lass of about 18 and gave her another suave Max line, "I bet your asshole is beautiful when it's ratcheted out like a stove pipe." Well, the ice cold Coke in my face almost soothed my still stinging pepper-sprayed eyes. Soaked and sticky I sauntered out of the establishment.
Later that evening I tried my luck again at a local watering hole. By virtue of the fact that it was a bar I knew that every female inside was at least 21 years old, positively geriatric by Max's standards, but I figured it was a good place to start honing my Max skills. By 2:00 p.m. I found a sufficiently young and very inebriated "f--- hole" to take home. At my apartment I successfully wrestled off her clothes and in a few short minutes I had her hair in pigtails, a lollipop in her mouth, ankle socks and candy red stiletto heels on her feet and the video camera running. Here's where all hell broke loose. I inserted the speculum and opened it two clicks and suddenly she's screaming her head off! Faster than you can say "Dial 911 !" she throws me to the ground and bolts out the front door in nothing, but the ankle socks and with the speculum still dangling from her partially dilated rectum.
What a depressing day. Three swings. Three strikes.
I need the help of all the cyber-citizens of l-keford.com. What am I doing wrong? Max makes it look so easy in his documentaries. The cynical part of me wants to think that he actually pays the sluts in his films to f--- him, but I know that's just plain nonsense. How can I duplicate Max's success? Now I am the first to admit that my biceps are not quite bulging and my thighs are less than "whip-cordian," but I am in every bit as good of shape as Max and with more hair. In fact, I don't mean to sound boastful but, cock-wise I easily have a full half-inch more than Max does. Yes, ladies three manly inches in length when fully erect! Is it possible that all the women in my town frigid or is it just impossible for any man to equal Max's charisma? I am desperate! I AM 47 YEARS OLD AND I HAVE NEVER URINATED IN A WOMAN'S MOUTH BEFORE! Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Max Hard-Luck :-(
Let's Get Luke Laid
Rumdar@aol.com writes: Luke, I believe all your loyal fans should put their hearts and minds together and submit pickup lines for you to use at future Heb Hops. That way we will not have to read how you went back to the Luke Hovel and abused your carrot under the sheets. Here is my list. Come on Lukites!! Let's hear from you.
10. Hi, I'm Luke F-rd.Com, what is your name?
9. I'm Australian, not Canadian, but I'd love to see your beaver.
8. My penthouse is being redecorated. Let's go to your place.
7. Hi, I'm Luke. Can you buy me a drink?
6. No, This is my own nose. My grandfather was an Irish Jew.
5. The accent? My father is Jewish Australian. We made our family fortune in kangaroo meat.
4. Your nose is your loveliest asset my dear. Who did the work on it?
3. If we all work together we can organize a ban on Wallaby fur coats.
2. No, This is the gardener's van. My Mercedes is in the shop for a tune up.
Here It is Luke....The line that is going to get you laid before the year 2001.
1. Next to genetically altered food products I believe pornography is the biggest threat to our civilized society today.
AND.... When you are engaged in the game of Jewish Geography at these events here is what you say.
New York...Great City. I am a friend of Chaim Amalik. Did he score a pair of Hillary Clinton's knickers yet?
San Francisco....The City By The Bay. Love it. Say hello to Nice Jewish Girl for me. She has a great set of knockers.
Texas.....The Lone Star State...One of my favorite places. Heard Rumdar was hacked to death by an enraged Ninja. He should have stayed away from those Asian women.
Canada......Burrrr! cold. Give my regards to my frostback buddy Putative Jew Marc Putative. When is his definitive book on The Archies coming out?
That is it for now fans. get busy...get Luke Laid...
Curious writes: Rumdar - You want to get Luke laid? All it takes is a Greyhound bus ticket to Lopatain's lair. After seeing the photo of Luke during his Hasidic phase I would think a "Hairy Honey" would be right up his alley. BTW aren't tattoos forbidden in the Orthodox Jewish tradition?
Kianna Bradley vs Earl Slate
Kianna Bradley and Earl Slate (Anthony Stearns) squared off in court Tuesday afternoon.
I talked Tuesday morning with Kianna via cell phone.
Kianna: "Yesterday they offered Earl a plea bargain but he wouldn't take it. So it's going to trial today. We're on our way.
"I think he's stupid. The detective was there and the cop who arrested him. The DA offered him a nice deal. Earl look better. He has that Fu Manchu [moustache] thing cut off. He brought his mom and his friend Duke. He was dressed nicely. The DA thought he was stupid."
Luke: "He claims that you forged $3000 in checks."
Kianna: "That was for his production for Odyssey while he was in jail. It was for talent and location..."
Luke: "Did you sign the name "Anthony Stearns" on them?"
Kianna: "Yeah."
Luke: "For a Norman Hammer."
Kianna: "That was the guy who got the location and talent."
Luke: "Have you been charged with battery in another state? Did that come up Monday?"
Kianna: "No, that never came up. It was simple assault, three years ago... I hear they are going to bring up a lot of s--- today."
Kianna's new boyfriend Lee Stone comes on the line.
Lee: "As far as the checks go, I'm bringing my Day Runner with me, because I keep track of when I do my scenes... And I have an exact date for when I worked for Kitty and Earl for which Kitty signed the check while Earl sat there doing nothing. I think Kianna has always been his production manager and has always had permission to sign his checks. Now, just because it is convenient for him he's going to cry wolf and say that she stole this money from him. It's as same as always. The man is a habitual compulsive liar."
I talked Monday night to "Frank," a source favorable to Earl Slate.
Frank: "We found out that she had a previous battery charge against her in another state. They [prosecutors] told Earl that they wanted to drop the charges down to disturbing the peace. And would he plead it out? And Earl said absolutely not. I didn't do anything wrong. And not only that, when I was in jail, she shipped my Mercedes off to another state. And forged $3000 worth of checks from my account.
"They might drop the case. I'm sure Slate will beat this thing and then he will file charges on her for the other stuff. On Thursday, all the witnesses are coming in.
"The Public Defender told Earl today that the judge in the trial thinks the whole thing is a joke. The detectives who arrested Earl have found out about her battery charges, etc... And the detective looked at Earl and said, 'Don't worry. We're going to work this thing out.' The detectives made a bad judgement call in letting Kianna go and arresting Earl. Bradley is a master manipulator.
"And she's got this other husband, Ryan, in Pontiac, Illinois. When Earl and Kianna first met, she said that divorce papers had been filed. But they have been.
"As soon as the heat gets off Earl's back, he will file grand theft charges, forgery and bigamy.
"I've learned a lot about Kianna and the reality is that she
doesn't give a s--- about anybody but her drug habit."
Slate now shoots two ongoing series for Odyssey, Sleazy Riders (girls on Harley Davidsons) and Sea Sluts (8 editions on girls on Earl's boat). "It doesn't matter what others think of him, because Earl no longer needs to work for other directors. The girls in the industry who talk bad about Earl don't say s--- when he calls them, asking if they want to go to work. He's the one writing the checks. They all show up.
"Jasmin St. Claire says that Kianna called her and asked her to lie in court, and say that Earl beat Jasmin up. And Jasmin says no way. She won't do that.
"Earl is now drug free. The only time he did drugs was when he was with her. That's why he threw her out [off of his boat]. Then, after three or four days of partying when she ran out, she came and cut the locks of the boat. Then, when he caught her, and the cops showed up, she ripped her shirt and messed up her hair and started yelling 'Stop hitting me. Stop hitting me.' And they insisted that the cops arrest Earl. Then after we were in jail a little while, they let her go and kept Earl.
"Then, while Earl was in jail, she tried to forge $3000 (successful with $1800) in checks."
Luke: "She says they were for people who worked on your Odyssey movies."
Frank: "Absolutely not. Kianna is not authorized to sign on his account and has never done so, till now. She signed Anthony Stearns, which is forgery, even if Earl told her to. She wrote to Pac Bell and this guy Norman Hammer [locatin scout]. And to a black girl named Brandy who was doing drugs with her."
Luke: "Sending the Mercedes to Alabama. Doesn't Kitty have friends who work in car repair?"
Frank: "The car was in a wreck and she said, 'Oh, I'll send it to my family's bodyshop.' Earl had thrown her out two days previously, saying 'Don't call me unless you want to go to a rehab.' She said 'What about the car?' Earl said, 'Don't even touch the car. I don't want it to go to Alabama or I will never see it again.'
"And it was a day or two after Earl went to jail, and she knew he was getting out, that she shipped it to Alabama. She told the lady at Auto Relocators that it was her car and that she was authorized to ship it. Now the car is in Tennessee and they want $980 just to release it in Tennessee and then another $900 to get it back. And then Earl's got to pay to get it repaired. He's just going to say f--- it, and leave the car."
Luke: "Is Kianna still coming around Earl's boat?"
Frank: "As of Tuesday morning, there will be a restraining order against her not to come anywhere near me. It's hidden in a different marina. She keeps calling Earl, threatening him. Saying she's going to call the police and tell them that the boat is stolen, just so they will find it for her. About people that are coming to get me because she's upset that she has to go to court.
"And the sickest thing about it is that you will hear two or three threatening messages and then one in the middle of the night... Most of the messages come in at two, three, four, five o'clock in the morning, when normal people aren't awake. There will be one 'I love you, I love you, I miss you.' Then back to the threatening ones.
"If it was up to me, she would fly out of this town tomorrow. Everywhere she goes, she goes there for a while, f---ing burns out everybody, owes everybody money and leaves town. I hope that will happen here.
"This is trial isn't even about her. It's about Earl. But she's hired this private attorney because she's scared that she's going to do something to her about forging the checks and shipping the car. She's not paying the attorney. She must be f---ing him.
"It's bad enough that she had Earl thrown in jail for a week-and-a-half... Stealing his money, throwing Earl's clothes off the boat. Planning to move into the boat... Moving into Earl's life and taking over. She better wake up and get into a detox before someone finds her overdosed and lying in the gutter."
Bianca Trump writes: Luke doesnt this remind you of the exact same story i told you about Kianna in FL? Well it is......Can I now say I said so. Same girl, different guy. But no one wanted to believe me when I said she was already married and owes everyone here money and ran a friend of mine to jail and took over his house and stole his stuff. What was it again that Earl called me? A bitch? Whore? Something like that. Just to show there are no hard feelings, tell him if he needs any FL info about all her arrests here to drop me an email.
Roger Pipe Interviews Tushy Girl McKayla Matthews
McKayla tells Rog: "I was dancing in Hartford and Alisha came to the club as a feature dancer. One of my friends was a huge fan of hers and wanted to meet her. She came running up to me, now this was before I had even met her, and she says ‘you are so cute, have you ever done movies?’ I had done a couple of movies, so I told her what I had done. She told me they were looking for a new contract girl and of course told her I was interested. The next day, Seymore called and they flew me out to LA. I did an awesome DP scene and they signed me the next day."
Here's an excerpt from Steven Ward: Because of Considine's job as the pop music critic for the Baltimore Sun, he's forced to examine mainstream music and popular music culture in ways that snobby, "trying to impress other critics" writers at The Village Voice and Spin don't really have to worry about. Considine's reviews are a revelation. He is one of the very few rock critics out there (Chuck Eddy can do this too, but his writing is not as serious or straightforward) who writes about the music. Considine will be the first to tell you that lyrics--the overwhelming preoccupation with 90 percent of the rock critics out there--is something he hardly pays any attention to. Instead of dissecting lyrics (Considine is not interested in teaching fresman poetry to college students), he has the amazing ability to tell you about the music, what it sounds like and why a consumer might like it or not.
Is America Still A Puritan Country?
Email: Dear Luke, I'm writing from ThePosition.com--a new Internet magazine set to launch on June 5 at, of course, www.theposition.com Our magazine covers cultural, political, legal and social aspects of sexuality. I'm hoping you'd give me a quote--or just a very brief response to the following question: do you believe America is still a puritanical country? I'm writing a brief piece that will feature the opinions of several people on this subject...
I replied: Half of America still largely reflects the values of the Puritans. America's religious attempt to live lives guided by God, their religion, the Bible and such Biblical principles as self control, sexual discipline, hard work, education and devotion to family and community. This group tends not to be politically active and they don't seek media attention. The other half of America is secular, profane, and self-centered. They, the liberals, "follow their heart." Conservatives "do their duty." One side cares more about self expression. The other about self restraint.
The Fluffer
From DarkHorizons.com: "Christine Vachon, producer of such indie hits, "Boys Don't Cry", "Swoon", "Happiness" and others is now working on her latest project titled, "The Fluffer". I'm sure you know what the title is for the porn world which this film is all about. This will be a Player-like style movie about the porn industry with Debbie Harry, many real porn stars and International pop/rock star Ke, who's been creating a huge buzz in New York City with Clive Davis heavily wooing him to sign with his upcoming label. Ke will be the Dirk Diggler portion of the film known for his enormous (script says 14 inches) endowment and he will included on the soundtrack. Director Richard Glatzer is talking about a duet for both Debbie Harry and Ke since his profile is growing quickly here in America. Glatzer is also interested in using a song from the album, "Blue, Dressed In Black" from rocker Eric Stuart after his friend Dave Shatraw (from Fox's comedy Titus) played it for him. There is not a release date set yet since filming just began early this month."
Email: Hello again! Things are going great for me here, or as they say in Berlin:
Das Wetter ist sehr schon. Die Sonne scheint und keine Wolke am Himmel.
Yes, things are great! Well, that about does it for my German. I have been in Berlin the last few months and boy, is this ever a cool city! Especially the Mitte district, in the old Russian sector. I have been taping a series of videos here that, while not really "adult" in the pornographic sense, are among the most twisted I have ever even heard of. "Fraulein Fetish" is the name of the series. We fetishize all sorts of normal and not so normal things - jello molds, volleyballs, and so on.
The most technically demanding stuff I have done concerns the non-medical use of catheters and other medical hardware. You would not believe some of this stuff! These videos will be a real hit, because while the market for them is small, it is very devoted. No five dollar videos here! I have also been stomping on a lot of bugs of late, if you know what I mean. I have also been doing some dancing on the side at a club in Charlottenburg.
So what have you been up to? Did you enjoy your trip to Australia to visit your parents? what's next in the saga of Luke F-rd?
Luke: I'm searching for myself.
Cindy: "Trinken Sie, bitte, den Pee; der wird sonst kalt."
Why dont you take a break from all lifes cares and spend some time in the new Berlin? You could keep up the web site from here and make some new contacts with the East, too. I know that as a Jew, you might be nervous, especially since Turks and other dark skinned foreigners are targeted by the skins' out here. But the good news is that the Jews seem to be welcome here, almost like long lost household pets! With your story, you would be the toast of berlin cabaret society!
Internet Fraud Complaint Center
Dangerman: This new FBI site may be useful to porn surfers. https://www.ifccfbi.gov
Luke's Community
Luke: Please write this reporter and tell her what's up with our community... if you feel like it.
Subj: Your Story?
From: rickispencer@the-enquirer.net (Ricki Spencer)
Dear Mr. Ford:
I am considering doing an article on you and your community of readers and contributors. I know that you have been profiled numerous times, but not alongside your readers, which would be the angle of the story. Do you think this is a good idea or not? What can you tell me about the people who regularly contribute to your web site? Are they worth writing about?
On a related matter, so far as you know, has anyone written a script for film or television based on your life?
Sincerely, Ricki Spencer.
Putative Jew Marc Putative writes Ricki: ricki ... i wasn't sure if "the-enquirer" was, y'know, THE enquirer, but my pal luke suggested i tell you "what's up" and the URL led to nationalenquirer.com, so i'm happy to volunteer myself. then again, i'm probably something of a dilletante in the l-keford world ... but i will confess to being enthralled by the antics of nice jewish girl, chaim amalek, lord peter luther christian OBE, lynne L-patin, curious in modesto, j.d. considine (like myself, a grown man who gets paid to write about teenage music) and all the rest. it's an amusing cast to be sure, but my correspondence with mr. ford has been limited by comparison, it seems. for me, the biggest draw that has emerged on the site has been his addressing of jewish issues--a seemingly absurd appeal for a site that's ostensibly about porn news, but there are perspectives on l-keford.com that i haven't seen addressed anywhere else in the media. this no doubt comes from mr. ford's own personal evolution, listening to dennis prager's daily dose of moral fortitude during years of being bedridden, and ultimately converting to judaism. i actually regard mr. ford's ability to weave awareness of the jewish people as a significant influence on my own work, life and beliefs over the past year or two. i am a freelance writer who contributes to a couple of major canadian publications (national post, saturday night), a couple of american websites (radiodigest.com and the just-debuted inside.com) and the occasional piece for the village voice (about the aforementioned teenage music). i'm also a shameless hack and media whore, so am certainly intrigued by what you have up your sleeve; which will then feed into my own anticipated writing about mr. ford, navel-gazing media business that we are in nowadays.
Concerned writes: I smell danger Luke! This Enquirer thing sounds like a hoax to me. Someone is appealing to your inflated ego (your self-admitted Achilles heel) inorder to get a bunch of ridiculous quotes from your readers. Then they'll publish them out of context to make you look even more foolish than usual. What evil genius could concoct such a devilish scheme to publicly humiliate our hero? Hmmmmmmmm ... here's a three word clue ....whip...cord...thighs.
Rumdar@aol.com writes: Luke.... I would like to respond to Nice Jewish Girl if you could spare me a line or two.
I was recently in Bali not Thailand. My trip was fueled by curiosity, wanderlust, religious fervor and psychedelic mushroom milkshakes...also cheap massages. No, I did not boff any 13 year old locals although the young girls are quite attractive. Thailand is the place for that. I am wracked with Jewish Guilt (the most lethal form of guilt) over my last E submission suggesting you were menopausal. I looked at your shots on Luke and you are obviously quite capable of having our love child. I would like to send you my pic..I wonder if Luke could facilitate the transfer? And I would like to commend you for not abbreviating your Hebrew Honker. It seems that you still have 100% of the nose you were born with. Believe me when I tell you that there are plenty of men out there who love that Semitic frizzy haired look. Even Asiaphiles like myself. Why is it so many Jewish girls insist on butchering their Yiddish shnozolas to achieve the phony Irish Pixie look? It is quite unbecoming.
Now Luke....I was chagrined to read you are now spending your idle time at Heb Hops. Say it isn't so. I think you are going to be making love to your right hand for many a moon if you keep that up. WHY? For one you are not a real Jew...never will be. Number two, even if you charm some Princess into leaving the mixer with you what do you have to offer? Do you believe any sane Jewish woman is going to step into that wreck of a van you drive? It conjures up images of Charles Manson. And where do you take her? To the Luke Hovel? Forays of this sort will only leave you with more calluses on your palm.
Now as a veteran I know that mixers of that sort are great places to meet women. But you have to be selective. My advice is to go Asian. Try the "Vietnam War Was A Huge Mistake, Let's Be Friends" Mixer. Asian woman will love your good looks and spiffy suits, especially if they are in desperate need of a greencard. Undocumented Asians are the best. They will love the van because they can ultimately fit their mother, father, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles and your children into it for weekend drives to Tijuana. Don't worry about the dump you live in. They will be glad to organize and clean it for you. You will be amazed how many relatives she will be able to fit into one room once you tie the knot.
Of course Luke, all your loyal fans who are aware of how disreputable you are know you are never going to say "I Do." You will dip the imitation Hebrew Shmeckela and move on to the next one. Great, that is what being single is all about. In short buddy you are absolutely on to something with the singles mixers. You are just dipping your pole in the wrong pond. Get a firm grip on yourself, take my advice and start over. From the front lines. rum
Chaim Amalek: Tell her to talk to Mossad.
And when do we get the first-person account of your journey into the land of Jewish Singles Events? Please tell us what lines you used on these stoney-hearted hebrews that failed to melt their crystaline hearts. Did you attempt discussions of a genuinely jewish nature - Shatnes, Maimonodes, the Holocaust? What were you wearing to this event - a tallis gadol? A suit? Casual? That you have yet to post any detailed account tells me that either:
1. You are still so depressed from the experience that you cannot bear to relive it just yet, or
2. You WERE NOT THERE!
Nice Jewish Girl writes Ricki: Anyways, I found Luke through a gossip newsgroup on the internet, either alt.showbiz.gossip, or alt.gossip.celebrities. I have always been a fan of gossip, ever since I worked in Thrifty's on Pico Blvd. (ironically close to where Luke lives!). The net gossip was about Jenna Jameson and Joe Montana, and that Luke F-rd had the hot gossip about it. I knew about Jenna through Howard Stern. Well, I just had to check it out. And I did! I got addicted to the gossip and the site.
I read Luke's bio and fell for this poor misunderstood artistic guy who called himself a Jew. I started writing him. Amazingly, he wrote me back and was encouraging me to write him. He called me Nice Jewish Girl, even though I wrote him as more of a Jewish girl with attitude.
I shortened it to NJG, and now I am forever known as NJG on the net. I spoke to Luke a couple of times today, and I asked him what did he say about me to you, and he said, that I was Jewish and a girl. "And...??"....I inquiried of him ... he said "..and I told her you were the love of my life."
Needless to say I was in shock hearing him say that, given our history. For about the first six months of knowing Luke I was enthralled with him even though he's a rogue to women really. I got over it though and now it seems that Lynne L-patin (whom I met and liked a lot) is enthralled with him. And I no longer feel the "love thing" for Luke, though I do "love" him, but more as a friend.
I've met Luke a couple of times in person. He lives near my grandmother's house, and when I come and visit LA I definitely see Luke too. I love Luke. He's wonderful, loveable, kindhearted, sensitive, just really bad boyfriend material. But as a friend, and if you take him with a grain of salt, well then, he's a pretty cool guy :-)
But enough about Luke, more about me. Well, I take ballet and am an administrative assistant in San Francisco. I've had a punk rock/anarchist past with acting/writing/poetry thrown in there. I find that now I consider myself more of a republican (sometimes) like Luke. I'm in love with the net and the net revolution. I'm pro-choice, love gossip, and consider myself quite smart. I love art and independent movies. If you check the past archives with my letters to Luke you will see that it's sort of like a great indie movie. The archives from late April to December are where I am featured a lot.
l-keford.com Hilarious Today!
NJG writes Tuesday afternoon (her work scheduled has recently been reduced to six hours a day): Dear Luke: Your site made me laugh a lot today. Staring with the other day, with the Jewish Millionaire Quiz (which I passed with flying colors btw), to today with what Rumdar wrote (funny!), and Lynne's letter your mum was really funny.
Let me quote Lynne "The other thing that I'm really pleased about is that he's progressed from telling me "never," as in "this can never happen" to "a long time." As in, "Things will be this way for a long time." I think that's a tremendous step for him to take. It opens up a lot of possibilitie to him, and gives him room to grow and change and become healthier mentally and physically. I don't care for absolutes. I think they are limiting. "
Oh I was laughing out loud to that! Lynne I am so sorry, but that struck me as so funny! So instead of Luke telling you that he would NEVER date you, you are so happy that he says "a long time"? Why Lynne, why? Although it's really funny to me, funny ha ha , I know that there's a person underneath there that really believes this to be true, as in Luke might go out with me on a date someday. Lynne....I....well...nevermind. Shoot, I don't want to slam you Lynne, I've been there too. But I think it means that Luke will never date you. Look, there's really cute and nice guys in Portland. I've been to that city. I would just find one there and let go and move on. Just mho. NJG
Thoughts on Books and Love and Luke
Luke: Dear reader, I would like the following essay to touch your heart, and provoke you to examine your feelings for me. When did we first meet? And how did our relationship progress? And wasn't I always there for you in your times of distress?
Lynne L-patin (BDWLCL@worldnet.att.net) writes: Good Morning:
I know I'm scary. I read it on l-keford.com. Everything on l-keford.com is true.
After I get through the term, we can work on the book(s). Do the one on the performers first. Evolve criteria for selection. As many as possible? Or more in depth on selected individuals? Or based on their "importance" in the scheme of things. Decide on an order, i.e., alpha, chronological, cup size. Include Asians, blacks. Save some room for "new girls." However the information is most useful. Decide on how much information on each "chick." (Obviously varying a bit, depending on importance). Videography?
How much stuff do we need to make a good presentation? Then I start somewhere and keep on editing until we have enough. It should go extremely quickly. You figure out how much in total and find a publisher, preferably one which will use lots of photographs. Why write about beautiful women without photographs?
We practice "arguing" via e-mail until you are comfortable with it. You do not like arguing. And I'll fight for hours over a word. Not for the above, obviously, but in dialog or anything meaningful. There shouldn't be too much arguing here -- just a little over who is included and perhaps over the introduction.
I'll take them one by one off the site and clean up the material you already have, format it into paragraphs, while you dig up info you don't have.
My reasoning is that this is the material that is expected on porn, and would be easier to pitch. Less political. Easier for us to do. Learn to work together in a serious way.
The other one (filmmakers) is highly political, needs to be more academic in tone, with real intro and forward quoting "real books" on porn. Research. More in depth. Analysis of work. Re-interviews. Watching videos. Definitely some arguing.
By the end of this, you and I have to be able to get along on an airplane ride, so that we can go to book shows or conferences. The first book is a guy thing, but the second requires my gender to validate the subject matter ie that these women are important because they're doing something different than what men do which validates pornography as a valuable cultural medium and not just an exploitation and objectification of women.
NJG is so sweet. I would marry her in an instant. There are so many wonderful women, and so few admirable men. I don't get it -- it's like half the species is intent on making the world a good place to live in, and the other half wants to take us back to the dark ages by eliminating the good half.
She provokes me into an examination of my feelings for you.
Dear NJG:
Here is a little romance story for you. It's okay if you think I'm nuts. Most people do. And I've been accused of lots worse things than being in love with Luke F-rd.
I did not fall in love with Luke F-rd at first sight. He was wandering around my set in April, 1998, when my late husband, Bruce, and I were shooting a movie at Rob Spallone's Star World studio (where Bruce had worked for six years as sales manager for Gourmet Video). Luke was in his "yarmulke phase," and I'd never seen a Jew wearing religious headcovering at a porn shoot before. My curiosity was piqued. I asked who he was, and was given his name, and it meant nothing to me except that I'd seen the name in Adult Video News a few times. But I wasn't online at the time, and had far more important things to think about than pretty boys who were obviously odd. Besides, I was happily married and working hard with my husband to establish a production company and battle his prostate cancer.
The next time I heard of Luke was through the L.A. alternative weekly New Times, when they did a cover story on Luke and HIV within the industry. His attitude, intelligence and especially his ostracism from the porn industry interested me, as I had been previously ostracized by the same group of people who felt that only they should have opinions and denied the rest of us any right to free speech, or dissent.
I was sitting in VCA offices turning in paperwork on the movie I shot for Russ, when Stephanie Ross excused herself to go online and check out something posted at l-keford.com. I asked her to tell me about Luke F-rd, and she said that he was a troublemaker who posted misinformation about the porn business on the Internet, for all to read, violating our unwritten policies about giving out information on the business to the general public. A real pest who needed extermination. Someone I could sink my teeth into, and f--- around with (not in the physical sense) and maybe make a little trouble for him and do some good. I do love a good fight.
So when I finally bought a new computer with internet access, I sought out Luke. And I realized that, rather than being a troublemaker, he was making public all the bulls--- and pomposity of the porn industry that Bruce and I had spent years discussing in private. So I baited him -- wrote him a short note giving him a glimpse of our status as industry veterans and suggesting we might have information to share.
Two weeks later, Bruce had a stroke. He lost his memory, language skills and many simple things, like lighting a pipe or using a fork. It was really devastating, but I went ahead and set up an interview with Luke, hoping to recover some of the wonderful information that Bruce had been privy to over the years.
Instead, Luke ended up writing about me. It was very flattering after all the years of having my experience discounted. Luke was actually impressed when I hauled out my store of seventies porn and showed him some of the reader-participatory work I'd cut my teeth on, and which has always influenced my approach toward pornography. And, like any other pretty thing I see, I coveted Luke. He appealed to me aesthetically as well as intellectually, but he made it clear that he was unapproachable.
Meanwhile, I was having problems with Adult Video News. They had printed a review of a gay DVD, called it one of the best movies of the year, and neglected to include the name of the director, who happened to be my husband. They'd also printed a review of the movie that Bruce and I had hoped would lead to more production work, so that I would have a career after his death. Just a little black couples' video, non-exploitative and romantic, and very different than the usual black video. We thought it was important -- AVN dismissed it with a one-line description.
When AVN did the same to my VCA movie, I went to war with AVN. At the time, Luke was also at war with AVN. He posted my rants. AVN got pissed, and threatened to sue Luke over his hypotheses as to how reviews were generated. I went on to bury my husband and, on return, made news of my own when David Hardman refused to cooperate in finishing the movie we'd started before Bruce died and had me arrested rather than answer the door.
For the next three months, as I dealt with the repercussions of David's actions and edited the movie, Luke stood by me. I needed extra footage to replace what I would have shot on Dave, and Luke let me to send over a film crew to interview him for the video. We were in constant e-mail and telephone contact, as I sorted through my feelings about the industry, the movie and my future. Luke was loving, supportive and there for me, whenever I e-mailed, whenever I called. I gave him copy when I interacted with the porn industry. We played with his gun. I introduced him to my dog.
As soon as I completed the community service I'd been assigned over the arrest, I went to visit my family out of state to explore the possiblity of moving from Los Angeles, and leaving the porn business. I knew I would be off-line for the three weeks I planned to be gone, and wouldn't be in contact with Luke until we met up in Las Vegas for CES.
So I had to think about my feelings. That's when I realized that, based on our interaction for the past nine months, that he had become very special to me. And that I did indeed love him. That it wasn't just a physical infatuation, for we'd had no physical contact. But that the respect he'd shown me, my work, my profession was something I'd never gotten elsewhere. I felt truly appreciated, as I had in my marriage. And I loved Luke for it. And I told him. And he was okay with it. More than okay.
At CES I was surrounded by tens of thousands of men, and didn't actually see any of them. They were just bodies. Luke meant something to me. I accepted my feelings toward him as part of my reality. It felt right. I had casual sex with someone, which was disasterous, and determined not to do it again unless I was first shown the long term respect and devotion that I'd received from Luke F-rd.
That was months ago. During Luke's visit to Australia, when he underwent massive psychological testing at the behest of his family (who wanted to know why he behaves so strangely and is so interested in pornography), when he was so far away and undergoing such criticism from people he loved, I couldn't even think of myself. I was in the middle of a 1,000-mile move, and I felt as if I could do it in my sleep, and that my energy belonged to my friend (because friendship is really the basis of love). I used words to fight on his behalf. They came easily, and helped me measure the depth of my love for him. It is very, very deep. And he earned it.
This is not an obsession nor an infatuation. This is something that started as a game for me, and deepened into friendship as we fought common enemies and explored a mutual agenda, and evolved into a real respect for each other despite some serious idiosyncracies and emotional problems on both sides. It's unconditional, and I have no expectations of it other than continued respect. I'm not looking for a husband or a boyfriend or a father for my children. I have no idea what Luke is looking for, but then, neither does he, and that's okay, too.
Some Nice Things About Luke
Lynne writes my mom for Mother's Day:
I understand you are moving back to Australia. So I thought it might be a good time to share some of the good things I've seen happening over the past year with Luke, who continues to be an amazing friend to me.
I met Luke about a year ago, right around the same time he posted the long letter you'd written about how truly awful his behavior was, and it was a very strange experience to be reading that and wondering who and what I was getting involved with. But, since the Australian adventure, when you mutually decided to keep the family off the site...well, he did. He has. I'm proud of Luke when he recognizes that others have needs and desires that are every bit as important as his own.
The other thing that I'm really pleased about is that he's progressed from telling me "never," as in "this can never happen" to "a long time." As in, "Things will be this way for a long time." I think that's a tremendous step for him to take. It opens up a lot of possibilitie to him, and gives him room to grow and change and become healthier mentally and physically. I don't care for absolutes. I think they are limiting.
I'm two weeks away from successfully finishing my first term back in college (I got my B.A. way back in 1983), looking forward to a new career (after lots more school), had an article published in the college paper! and am generally doing really well. NONE OF IT would have been possible without Luke's constant emotional support and encouragement. He believes in me, and in my abilities, and keeps me making good decisions, and I can't imagine what my life would have been like without his presence in it. Just giving me the impetus to get up and write for an hour every morning changes the way I approach school and term papers and such. He constantly expresses his appreciation, and he's such an intelligent man that it means a lot to me to have that from him.
Lately we've been practicing "disagreement." That it doesn't have to mean anger and temper tantrums, but can be worked through, and the emotions expressed, and that the underlying relationship can return to its usual high level of regard and respect.
Eventually we will work on the next step, which is "compromise." I'm in no hurry. Some people are slow learners. Some people are extremely slow learners. And then there's Luke.... But I'm very optimistic -- I think he's really doing very well himself.
In terms of the pornography, which I know you dislike terribly, Luke is doing something absolutely unprecedented. He is allowing open debate. I'm currently taking a Sociology & Gender class, and doing a term paper on pornography, which may just be the first few baby steps toward dealing with the misogyny that is so deeply embedded in the American Culture. Luke gives me a platform for my views. They upset people, and he doesn't see that as a problem. I got thrown out of the Free Speech Conference in Sacramento because I am Luke's friend, and I have never been more proud of my relationship with him than I have been since -- they are a horrid bunch of hypocrites, and Luke, in his willingness to hear (and post) all sides of an issue, stands head and shoulders above any of these people. If there is ever any change in the way this country deals with sexually explicit material and the misogyny that runs rampant through our culture, it may well start with the work Luke lets me do. Maybe he's foolhardy, maybe he's fearless, maybe he just wants attention (well, we know he does, but there are lots of ways he can get attention that bring nothing to society). But he's also very brave -- he catches a lot of criticism from his audience for associating with me, being that I'm not a young, submissive porno bimbo, but he continues to show me the utmost respect in our professional dealings when no one else has the courage to think for themselves.
I want to wish you the best in your relocation. I hope some day to visit that part of the world to study advanced sheep husbandry and genetics. My dream job is me, my dogs and a few thousand sheep out in the middle of nowhere. And if anyone wants me, they can e-mail me. What a glorious life.
Hands Off, Luke F-rd!
Chaim Amalek writes: Luke, lay off the syrupy emotional onanism and rejoin the rest of the world. One way for you to return to the land of the living is by going to jewish singles events EVERY WEEKEND for a few months. Then tell us all about your return to your Christian roots and your lovely blonde shiksa bride. And by the way, doesn't the thought of a porner writing to and emoting on your mother seriously spook you? Otherwise, if you want to bait me, get better bait.
Luke: What's the matter Chaim, are you afraid of strong emotions?
Chaim: If I want strong emotions I'll move to Miami, LA, or some other part of the Latin world. Do not revel in the shameful weaknesses of others!
Diana Roth Stars In Muff Mania 5
Concerned: She's risking over exposure.
From the box cover: Only unmowed muffs need apply! "Muffmania #5"
continues in the hairy tradition of bringing you hirusite honeys whose
appetite for cock is only matched by the number of hairs on their
bodies! Sensational footage showcasing unshaven sirens begging for
more! Starring: Diana Roth, Holly B., Diana, Mai Lin, Ron Jeremy,
Alex Sao Paulo, Will Ravage and more!