Tuesday, April 11, 2000

Email Luke

Allison Sterling

From Craig Whyel: Just saw a compilation tape (that's about all they offer in this part of the country) featuring the rather nipplesome Allison Sterling. Do I remember correctly that she moved to Las Vegas and subsequently was killed in a car accident? Was this ever confirmed? Also, was their any truth to a rumor she had been "involved" with Buck Adams? A friend proferring this and I questioned it then they said "Well, it was some blonde with big tits." That ought to narrow it down to every second chick who ever worked in the business.

Brandy Does Billy

Ogman writes: i really enjoyed the slop-sucking brandy alexandre's account of her dealings with the award-winning, critically acclaimed "billy". i especially liked the part where she agreed to f--- him - not because she was a bottom-feeding nobody and he was an Oscar-wielding director, she assures us - and was so insulted when he offered her money in exchange for her services that she took the money, tried to get him to buy her a house, and ended up bottoming out in porn!; you really got him there! you go girlfriend!

Virtual Sex With Jenna And Tera

Red Rubber writes on RAME: I have recently watch Virtual Sex with Jenna Jameson and Tera Patrick. I have to say that I am very pleased with the idea of you having sex with the stars...so to speak. My only complaint is the cum shots. I thought the digital cumshot with Jenna was poorly thought out I mean a digital cumshot come on man that's not porn it's special effects if I want that I will watch Star Wars Eposide 1,although I think the facial was nice. I then watch Tera Partick and thought it was a major upgrade from Jenna because they used "real" cum but I have to question it? The reason I am making a fuss is because when you see the guy blow his load all over her face it's a typical small amount but when it blows his load anywhere else it looks like Peter North's stunt double....I would hope to think that the producers don't think us the consumers are that naive. The question is has anyone seen the Nikki Tyler/Asia Carrera/anyone else virtual sex series? I don't wanna spend money on something I should find erotic but instead can't help chuckle at.

Porn And Devil Worship

Faze Six writes: first thing, I just want to make it clear that not all metal heads are retarded devil worshiping freaks. are all rap fans gangsters? no. so why would you make such a blatantly ignorant comment about a group of people you obviously know nothing about?

second off, in the documentaries paradise lost 1 & 2 (the HBO documentaries) the so-called "leader" is wiccan, and persecuted as a Satanist, because he listens to metal. so basically you've just made the same mistake. because a large majority of metal listeners are wiccan, atheist, agnostic, or here's a kicker, CHRISTIAN.

third, what the hell does it matter if she worships the devil? I could care less if she goes home, and sacrifices cats to her damn toilet. as long as she's making the movies, looking sexy, and turning people on it really doesn't f---ing matter. go ahead, and research anyway though, god knows you need some kind of reason to live. have fun...

Edward Wedelstedt's Goalie Entertainment

Frank Rich writes: Luke to the guy asking about what to expect as a result of Goalie buying the local video store. He has already seen the first sign, Goalie is a distributor so they will fill the store with the stuff that brings the best margin, expect a lot of "comps" and catalog titles that Goalie buys for 2 to 3 dollars each.

Now here is the why, The retail end of the business has the best profit margins, most titles sell at a minimum of a 100% markup. Add to this the fact that the internet will eventually put a HUGE bite into the profits of the distributors because the manufacterers will be able to deliver the movie or DVD directly to the customer via his computer and the internet. The purchase of the brick and mortar stores serves as a stop gap to offset that bite. Distributors will be bitten first and hardest, it will be a while before the VCR is replaced by the family computer.

Those comps and catalog titles that you are starting to see. To the uneducated consumer they appear to be a bargain, but appearances can be decieving, they are almost always duped onto cheap tapes at high speed and many are in extended play modes. This makes the quality extremely s---ty.

Valley Guy: Luke: In response to the guy about goalie? Us producers also get f---ed behind comps. If the idiot public chose NOT to buy 6 hr garbage for 15.99, they'd keep paying us to shoot new stuff and the world would be a better place.

Rodger Jacobs writes on RAME: Back in the early 90's when I was "censoring" movies for VCA after Russ Hampshire's Federal indictment, voyeurism was one of the themes/elements that was to be excised. That's probably the reason the scene was deleted from the film. For the record, other elements that were deleted from films to avoid possible prosecution in backwater communities: incest, defecation and urination, degradation to women, rape, violence, bondage, implication of underage sex, bestiality.

Net Porn

Khan writes on YNOTnetwork.com posting board: For as long as I've been in this industry there have been new folks bemoaning how 'newbies' aren't immediately accepted and how they 'deserve' more help and more trust. All I can say is there's more help out there for those just starting than there ever was in the past. Human nature being what it is, folks have to get to know you a little before they feel all warm and fuzzy. One great way to let folks know what you're about is to use the chat boards. Express your opinions on subjects that come up. Remember folks will be watching HOW you're saying something, not just what you're saying. YNOT chat profiles (and a soon to be released Adult Webmaster Directory) should also help with letting folks know a little about you.

ButtLord, I fear we won't see any dramatic changes in the near future to the large number of scammers we have in this biz. Anonymity is probably the biggest single reason but the scope of reasons run a broad spectrum.

You have cultural differences where some folks are brought up in an environment that says it's ok to cheat and lie, as long as you don't get caught. You have folks here for the short term who, as you say, don't give a crap about the long-term effects of their action because when one scam don't work, they just switch to another.

Another part of the problem is that when new webmasters don't immediately start making the big bucks they read about they are easily lured to the dark side. Cut a corner here, scam a little, then a lot. Anything to make the money they feel they deserve. Seems they forget that few people here started making money shortly after starting out. Each success story usually has a lot of hard work and long hours behind it.

Your comments about sheepherders was also right on the mark. One thing I've always suggested is that folks get opinions from lots of places but make their OWN decisions.

I fear your suggestion to newbies to start with free sites, while sound advice, will not be heeded by many. From what I'm seeing, a lot of the newbies think such advice is a conspiracy to keep them from getting their part of the pie. I suspect a large percentage will keep having to learn the hard way despite good advice to the contrary.

Buttbucks.com writes on YNOTnetwork.com: Recently, in light of the "crackdown" from Visa on internet merchants, and all of the doomsday predictions that have been surfacing about the "cleanup" of the industry, I've observed (on some of the other boards) anonymous posters creep out of the woodwork and proclaim that they could care less about this industry, and if it dies it dies because it was never meant to be a long term thing anyway. They are basically willing to do whatever it takes to make a buck, and if it puts the online adult world into a bad standing amongst consumers and politicians, who cares?

I personally DO NOT subscribe to that point of view, as I know everyone here at YNOT would object to that mode of thinking as well. However, I fear that this may very well be the sentiment of some of our so-called "industry leaders" who may, at this very moment, be running some of the adult world's more popular webmaster programs, and influencing the ideals of some newbies who have visions of dollar signs dancing in their heads, so to speak. That's dangerous to our business to say the least.

I feel one of the biggest influences that give people the mindset that they can come into this biz and get rich quick, stemms from OUR VERY OWN webmaster programs... even the most honest and reputable of our industry's elite! When a newbie comes into this industry, the first thing they see when going to a sponsor are images of gold bars and thick billfolds of 100 dollar bills, and they are immediately influenced into the false notion that they can become rich quick. I'm not innocent of this practice either (although it didn't occur to me that this may be part of a larger problem with newbies diving headlong into a paysite before they realize the reality of how the business operates) until just recently.

If we're talking about website ethics, perhaps the "change" that's being predicted for our industry should start at the top with us "honest" webmasters putting disclaimers on our programs such as you see on the late night infomercials that offer wealth-building opportunities. Perhaps we should let newbies know loud and clear that "individual results may vary" when they go to sign up to a webmaster program. Sure, the illusion of getting rich by advertising a particular program is part of the selling process, but to newbies who come into this business and hear the rumors of people striking it rich, that illusion may be more negative than positive when the harsh reality of this cut-throat industry rears it's ugly head, and the young ambitious newbie who was disillusioned into thinking he could become "one of the big-boys" just by starting his OWN paysite, gets a major dose of this industry's "Preparation H".

Maybe it's just too bad for them, but it's also going to be too bad for the consumer, who may have joined their pay site, and now it's gone away, leaving a bad taste in that member's mouth for months to come, and installing a "distrust" that will linger on as they surf around and see other pay sites. It's a trickle-down process that puts a dent in the adult industy's image to the rest of the world. :-)

Rosemary writes: The problem is that if we don't all uphold a higher level of integrity, the entire industry suffers. I made a purchase on my credit card for our business, and for the first time ever my credit card company called me questioning the charge. I make large purchases regularly, but the fact that it was for an adult internet site flagged the credit card company. No matter what anyone says, the adult industry will always be held to a higher standard because there are so many people who want to shut us down. We need to suppor those coming into the industry who are willing to abide by standards, and those who cheat or lie need to be shut down quickly before they can be held up as an example of the "dangers of the adult side."

Europorn

Peter Hayes writes: My friends over at Talking Blue tell me that German TV is now monitoring the column to see what I am saying about them. In response I have not written about what they have been covering for a while - I hate being spied on!

However RTL2 programme Peep covered the LA (?) video company/series Chica-Boom that specialises in Latino Ladies. The programme spoke to director Mark Archer as well as stars Lola and Dillion Day. None of them said anything of any significance, although Archer said that the project came about through a personal love of latin ladies.

My old mate Juliet Anderson (also known as Aunt Peg) sent me a message to pass on: "If you live in the SF Bay area might like to know I am appearing live at Erotica 2000 at the Bill Graham Auditorium in San Francisco April 13-16. I'll be at the Annie Sprinkle booth." Find out more on www.auntpeg.com

One of the interesting sites that I came across the other day is Age Of Consent (www.ageofconsent.com) - a legal site well worth visiting if you want to find out about the sex laws in countries all around the world. I notice that they quote the age of sex in Japan as 13 for all consenting sex acts, just like I said it was - despite contradiction by a reader by the name of J.D.

Peter Hayes writes: It is interesting to read Colin’s comments, but I return to the point that in Holland both prostitution and soft drugs are both illegal. Read my text closer. No one seems to get the point that the police create their own rules and working conditions which contradicts its own Parliament. That is no way to run a democratic country. The Dutch are less hypocritical than most societies, however the country is the main distribution point for drugs throughout Europe and drug addicts are everywhere - many of them not native to Holland. I'd love to know the source of your stats - the Dutch tourist board perhaps?

Luke's Conventional Attitutes Towards Antisocial Behavior

From one member of my family to other members: "Did you get the fax of the report re Luke from Dr. R [the psychiatrist]? She called me this morning - I'd called her re a typo in the report... She had left out the word 'toward'...as in "Luke has conventional attitudes towards antisocial behavior."

[Lynne: No kidding. Like, you're the only one who can shock people. I'm supposed to wear long dresses, cover my head, watch my language and NOT ask the rabbi if he wants a blow job...]

We had a chat. I told her that I thought Luke did have some insight that things he said were inapprpriate. She said he might have intellectual insight but not emotional insight. She says it is a quite disabling personality disorder [narcissism] as people will never trust him and his level of self absorption makes it difficult for him to ever survive in employment (apart from self employment).

[Lynne: Gee, Russ said the same thing about me. That I should be self-employed. I took it as a compliment. Those of us who are way smarter than the rest of 'em have a hard time working for the stupid. What man brought up conventionally has any emotional insight? I do trust you, at least as far as I can throw you (trite metaphor) but then, I am exceptionally strong.]

She said life will teach him things in that people will be less forgiving of his behavior as he gets older. What is acceptable in terms of an 18-year old kid is not in acceptable in a 40-year old. She said he's got to start growing up and looking ahead to the future - which at this stage is likely to be a very sad and lonely one for him.

[Lynne: Especially if you are waiting for some beauty queen to choose you over Ted Turner or Bill Gates or even Keanu Reeves (in which case "queen" being the operative word...) Let me know when you are sad and lonely so I can cheer you up with bad jokes and even worse puns... ]

"She said he really needs to obtain some educational qualifications if he wants to make anything of himself. But again she said that he has to do it - we should not get involved. She said how lucky he was to have a supportive family who were still willing to help despite his conduct. She said unfortunately the internet allows people like Luke to play out their lives on a world stage and that Luke is going to find it hard to turn his back on $50,000 per year to do something useful for his future.

[Lynne: Don't you love it when I agree with "these people?" You've already made something INCREDIBLE of yourself. I wouldn't want to intimidate you by having multiple degrees... You'd have to chase "trailer trash" for your own self-esteem... You are so precious. The more they attack you, the more stupid they appear. Perhaps I should do an expose on "natural hormones" (more placebos) for Skeptic.]

"She wondered whether he lacked empathic discipline when he was growing up - she said it is common for parents when dealing with children who have suffered from a divorce or death of a parent, to overcompensate by not disciplining as they otherwise would. She says this doesn't matter for some personality types but for others it is vital to their development into acceptable human beings.

"She said it is vital that we not try to control his life and leave it up to him to make his way. By looking at his website etc it is reinforcing his bad behavior. It is like giving attention to a naughty child. I told her that the whole family had butted out and were no longer reading his website."

Lynne writes a family member and CCs me: I was sure glad to have all those expensive professionals confirm my opinion of Luke, i.e., that he isn't brain damaged and simply retains an immature desire to shock people.

Luke seems to be such a disappointment to you yet, out of all the people I've met in my 25 years in the "adult business," Luke is the most insightful, creative and intelligent person I've had occasion to meet.

If he had not chosen his present line of work, I would never have met him. Selfish as it sounds, I am happy for the choices he has made, because my life is immeasurably richer on account of Luke's presence in it.

I am grateful to you for having cared for him and nurtured him into being the person that he is. You did a great job -- I wouldn't have Luke any other way than how he is, even though he confuses me to no end sometimes.

None of us are perfect, nor are we expected to be. It is much easier to follow a well-trodden path than to blaze new trails. What Luke does with his website is unique, if not revolutionary. Not all of it is pleasant, but then, the world isn't all pleasant. He makes mistakes sometimes, for which he deserves forgiveness. It isn't our place to judge him and his work -- it's the difference between "an eye for an eye" and "turn the other cheek." Theology is not my strong point, but if everything has an ultimate purpose that we cannot comprehend....surely Luke's work does as well.

I realize it is hard to be proud of a son who is a "pornographer" (which technically he isn't, but no need to split hairs), but please be proud of his brilliance, his dedication, his hard work and his desire to search for the truth. Luke puts pornography under the microscope, where it squirms, unable to bear such close observation. It would be easier to leave such a noxious issue alone, to spawn in the gutter without anyone paying attention.

Luke's involvement has only led to good things for everyone. Surely he is doing what he is meant to do and, when his mission is over, he'll be led to something else.

Please don't lose faith -- Luke is a wonderful man and I treasure him.

Fred Jew Flintstone writes: Lord Peter Luther Christian alleges that the bible does not ban miscegenation based on the following quote from the new testament: "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female, for all are one in Christ...." Since this phrase authorizes interracial mating and breeding, Mr. Christian would no doubt concede that this phrase also authorizes homosexual marriages, especially since "there is neither male nor female...."

This no more authorizes miscegenation than the phone book. Face it--any scripture, be it the old testament, new testament, Koran, book of Mormon, Bhagvad Gita, Talmud or the bill of rights says all things to all people. Whatever you want to drag out of your favorite holy book is in there, along with its exact opposite.

BTW, to my knowledge, neither testament forbids miscegenation among the goyim. Actually, I don't think it forbids miscegenation among Jewish people either, as long as both parties are Jewish. Is this right? Let me know--I was sleeping through religious school when we got this lecture.

On another note, I noticed a couple of S&M tapes starring Mr. Decker (a favorite of Nice Jewish Girl) and Mia Smiles (Mr. Decker's significant other, I believe, and a real cutie). Since NJG is an ardent feminist, is she willing to cut Mr. Decker a special dispensation for such patriarchical behavior? Or does NJG secretly desire to be tied up and caned by Mr. Decker as well? Or is she horrified by such things? Inquiring minds want to know. (My animal rights friends are horrified--they heard that Decker was using a real leather whip, and that is not ethical insofar as the poor cow is concerned. Decker should have been using synthetic leather. My orthodox friends are not so much worried about whether the leather was real or synthetic, but if it was real leather, they want to make sure that the cow was slaughtered by a Shochot. L--do you have any insight into whether Bizarre Video follows these strictures?)

Ben writes: Hi Luke Buddy, What are you waiting for Luke! Yes,by all means you should fly up to Portland and have a weekend with Lynne.Try a little get away like Canon Beach,just a couple hour drive west of Portland. You have friendship now,and after the sex,you can talk about love. Im sure it will be a weekend to remember. Lynne is one hot lady,she told us what she can do,I can bet her eyes even water.Luke just think about it on the way home to L.A.,you have nothing to look forward to there. Portland has the good times. I know Chaim Amaleks will have something to say about this meeting with Lynne.DON'T LISTEN to him. We are talking about love and good sex here.Chaim knows a lot of things,but when it come to hot sex, CLOSE YOUR EARS BUDDY. We would like a few pictures of that weekend.Post them on your site. All your fans will be waiting.

Responsa For Our Times

Lord Peter Luther Christian writes: Dear Mr. Ford:

Further to my previous missive to your readers, I wish to point out that one of the letters you recently published presented clearly erroneous references to the bible in support of racism and bigotry. One "Url Turner" wrote a barely comprehensible screed that contained references to various passages purportedly in the bible. But if you look closely, you can see that many of the books referenced are neither part of the old or new testaments, nor of any apocrypha that I have heard of. There is no book of "Gerbils," no "Jgs." , no first or second books of "Peta." or "Weiner", and no book of "Perturbations".

Please show greater care in editing your web site, as the biblical ignorance of your readers makes it that much easier for men of ill will to distort the message of biblical revelation.

Yours in Christian Wisdom,

Lord Peter Luther Christian, OBE

PS This jet lag is a doozy! Now back in the States, I do not know even what day this is!

Chaim Amalek writes: Luke, the rootless cosmopolitan secular jewess "Laura" admits that she just does not care what other people think, and seems to think that this is a sufficient argument in defense of miscegenation. But what does she have to say to all of the black women of the nation who find that the availability of white women to black men means fewer black men for black women to marry? ". . . . TOO DAMN BAD! . . . And BTW marriage is not at all important and children can turn out just fine with a single parent or yes even a gay couple."

On one level, responding to the Laura's of the world is not the best use of one's time. After all, Darwinian principles assure that the self-cleaning oven of Mother Nature shall soon rid the world of its Lauras. But until that day quietly arrives, such people can do enormous damage to the legitimate aspirations of good people. And black women are good people with the legitimate aspiration of marriage to black men. In sharp contrast to the secular jewess, the avergage American black woman is a God-fearing Christian who does not think that children are as well off being raised by homosexuals or single people as they are being raised in traditional nuclear families. (She knows this from bitter communal experience.)

And, while there may be individual exceptions, on the whole our black women are quite right. Social pathology rises as one deviates from the biblical model of a husband and a wife raising their children together. (Read some of the work by Catholic United States Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan.) Simply telling the black woman to "get over it" betrays the racism that lies in the heart of the secular cosmopolitan jewess.

Oh, and as for the view that "this site is supposed to be about adult industry news", which would you rather address - some jewish pornographer prostitute's rectal health, or the weighty issues of torah, society, race, and miscegenation?

Which is better for the mental acuity of Luke F-rd? "Laura", who one fears would likely throw a seizure if she ever had a thought that ran counter to those approved by the overlords of American culture, wants to browbeat you back into the very ghetto you are struggling to escape. Be a man and stand your ground - the political discussion should stay.

Chaim Amalek (Who remembers more innocent days in the late 1940's when we did not have social problems to the extent that we do today)

Laura: When I said "Too damn bad" and "get over it" I was referring to white men who have a problem with white women being with black men. And Chaim, "natures self-cleaning oven" as you put it will hopefully get rid of the likes of people like you. I'm really tired of your right wing ultra-orthodox bulls--- and I'm tired of your kvetching. From a secular, liberal Jewish American princess.

Hymie writes Luke: Regarding this Laura person, have you given any thought to marrying her? You have a few things in common - you are both jewish, and both tolerant of porn. She already knows what you do for a living and would not reject you on that basis (a rarity even for a jewess). The down side of course is that she appears to be none too deep, and even she admits that she is a JAP. Still, after a few weeks alone with you at Casa Ford, you probably could break her of her more annoying tendencies, and perhaps could fit her with a sheitel and some modest clothes. (But a good dunking at the local Mikvah would first be in order, of course.) Promise me that you will at least think about it.

Ogman replies to Laura: it is your very reasoning that creates this catch-22. we'll call it, hmm.... let's see: "liberal propaganda". to wit, anyone discussing racial relations, that is not a member of a minority, is an ultra right-wing, racist, fascist bigot. thus, for any white person to find a non-liberallly-dominated (thus biased) discussion of race, he must go to an extremist (and also biased) forum. if those of us that discuss race openly were so bigoted, we would go to these places. it is this kind of thinking that impedes communications between the races and causes the whole problem in the first place.

i can assure you that my opinions concerning racial differences and relations are not at all based upon the size of someone else's dick. in fact, i can safely say that i have never made ANY decision based on the size of ANYone's dick - including my own. and i don't give a furry rat's ass about blacks and whites f---ing each other or anything so shallow and banal. and your assumption that these are the bases for anyone's rationale concerning racial issues on this site belies your intellect. in short, go save a f---ing whale or something and shut the f--- up.

Is Lynne L-patin Too Ugly For Love?

Curious: Luke, Be totally honest now. If Lynn L-patin looked like say... Juli Ashton or Asia Carrera would you be so firm in your resolve not to corrupt your friendship with sex? Be honest! PS: Why not treat your newer readers to that nude photo of Lynn from a few months back to give them the proper context?

Lynne: Yes, go ahead and print one of your lousy candid snapshots of me, with no lighting and no makeup (see below). By the way, I brought this discussion up in my Sociology of Gender class, explaining that I posit myself as unattractive to play Devil's Advocate on your site. No one in class finds me unattractive and they were upset that I would seriously get involved in such a discussion.

But if looks are the issue, take all that money you plan to spend on psychotherapy and send me to Kendra's plastic surgeon. No, better yet, keep the money and marry Brandy Alexandre if she'll have you. I wouldn't want to be involved with a man so shallow that he prefers the wrapping to the gift.

P.S.: I read this morning's e-mail to my sociology class. They think men who prefer perfect pixels to women are disgusting.

Pat Riley: Would you like to have a quick look at Roxanne Hall in Woodman Castings #15 and say Sodomania #8 (about the same time) and tell me they're the same girl. They are but they look very different due to primarily (IMO) to makeup. The Castings movie shows a girl who is close to my definition of ugly (you'd probably see her as a scrubber) and in Sodomania she looks quite attractive. A little more than just "moderately altered by lighting". The real Roxanne Hall is probably a lot closer to the Castings movie than Sodomania but so what... I'm looking at a set of pixels (please don't be pedantic again) that happens to be backed up, maybe, by a real image at some point in time. If I like the image, I'm fantasizing about screwing that set of pixels, not the girl as she really is.

Lynne's Sociology Of Gender Termpaper

Lynne writes her professor:

Dear Ms. Saliba:

My best friend Luke F-rd (internet porn journalist) and I have been considering writing a book on "Ethical Pornography." We are looking for writing projects I can do that we could incorporate into this book.

Is there some aspect of this I can explore for your term paper? There IS a difference between pornography for women (and couples) and that which exploits women which is created for sale specifically to men. Surely there is something of value to be learned from an educated insider's look at pornography. Most of the academic studies done so far are laughable.

Otherwise, I am interested in looking at the male vs. female responsibilities for "birth control." I have previously done papers on the laws prohibiting dissemination of birth control information (which classified it as obscenity, and resulted in prosecution under obscenity laws).

Frankenstein Regrets Her Monster

Curious in Modesto writes Lynne: Lynn - Do the members of your Sociology of Gender class know that you are a former pornographer? If they did I would think that your sympathy factor would shrink to less than zero. Pornography is all about the "wrapping paper." You and your late husband helped build this unrealistic male porn fantasy and now you must live with its consequences. Yes, I am as shallow as a puddle, but please don't criticize me Lynn. I really am your creation.

Please note that Luke did not respond to my question with regard to your looks and the sexless status of your friendship. His silence speaks volumes. Realistically if you were a 21 year old hottie Luke would've banged you on your husband's casket. The flipside is would you be as hot for Luke if he resembled Al Goldstein or Ron Jeremy? Be honest Lynn!

Luke: I think Lynne is just terrific the way she is. She has no need of plastic surgery. I am simply not open to casual sex at the moment. Sex without commitment lacks emotional and spiritual depth. I am tired of my life of meeting innocent young Jewish women at synagogue, taking them into the back of my van and deflowering them. All those meaningless blowjobs from pornstars left me feeling hollow inside. They spoiled me from enjoying the non-professional sucks I got from civilian girls, who could rarely carry on for five minutes, let alone with sufficient suction and pace.

Goddess Stalking Mike South

Mike South writes: Luke, I have no idea why this goddess person is stalking me the way she is but I am pretty sure that you are to blame. She got my real name off your site and now she has found my email address and she emails me multiple times a day. She has also uncovered my top secret aol instant messenger screen name and everytime I turn it on she is there lurking in the shadows and I instantly get bombarded with her messages. I usually do answer her, I mean she MIGHT be a decent looking chick and she might be do-able. Course most likely she is the human model for a Troll Doll. I have heard through the grapevine that she is a tour guide for Universal Studios named Babs.....I dunno.

Goddess replies: Hell hath no fury like a vain porno actor revealed, Luke. The truth is that, yes, I DID discover Mike's top secret AOL IM name. It was well hidden under the name "Mike South." Wow!! Is he CLEVER or what?! Incidentally, Mike's screen name is: iwouldmarrymyselfificould--feel free to IM him, people!! Mike's really just mad because when I interviewed him for an upcoming issue of Batteries Not Included--which he BEGGED me to do, BTW--I uncovered some of his dirty little secrets--like the fact that he jacks off EXCLUSIVELY to Jim Gunn videos and that he's STILL eating paste, even though most people outgrew that habit in kindergarten. His favorite television show is the 'Teletubbies' and I hate to be the one to tell you this, but he CLOSELY IDENTIFIES with that purple one. We all know what THAT means. And for the LAST TIME, I'm sorry, Mike, but I WILL NOT let you dress in women's clothes and model for me. Get over it!!