Monday, March 20, 2000

Bisbane, Australia. Monday: 5PM: About to leave for synagogue to celebrate Purim (the book of Esther). Traditionally this is a raucous evening with lots of drinking, satire and frivolity. When you look at Jewish history, so many Hamans but only one Purim.

Black Out

Emmett writes: What the hell is going on?! Every time I type in a search engine for pictures of Afro-American performers I get nothing!!!! I tried alta vista and got nothing there either. Sure, they may give me a site or two but that is it! Usually it sucks! It is bad enough porn producers stay away from Afro-Americans like the bubonic plague, but now the same problems are in the websites?! People rarely review Afro-American or interracial films! I have to re-watch my tapes to remember that Afro-American porn-stars still exist!

But Afro-American need to speak up as well and get their act together. Who is it that buy pornos? Middle class and rich Caucasians. I tried reading a box cover of an Afro-American porno and I couldn't understand what the hell the was written on it. It was something like this "Hellza yeah! Dees be da bitches. Watch dees niggas f--- that da bomb ass puzzy. Theys be da sheiazzt". Caucasian people don't want to buy or rent a box cover with bulls--- like that on it! It usually is written in graffiti which makes it harder to read. Those who came up with titles and the info on the box think it is awesome but it is not. Nobody wants to buy crap like that on the box cover. The box covers are so littered with urban theme that I sometimes think about not renting it myself. I always see Afro-American porn calling their women whores, etc. And I am not just talking about one series, I am talking about an echelon of them. Another problem is that they keep putting fat, Afro-American, women on the box cover and in the videos. Who the hell wants to see that?!

Afro-Americans need to wake up and get with the program. I am tired of seeing super-sexy, Afro-American, turn up in s--- porn. Titles so horrible that I never see the actress again! Their should be website and links on Cherry Lee, Obsession, Monique, Mocha, ... I can't name anymore because that is how bad Afro-American porn is being treated. As nothing and that is how it will always be until they speak up and get their acts together. Another thing... how come only light-skin, colored, Afro-Americans get noticed more then the darker ones? Porn is full of s--- when they say racism doesn't exist.

Luke Gets Mail

J.D. Considine writes: There is something wonderfully amusing about being called on a typo (semoitician instead of semiotician) by someone who describes me as a "spelling pendant."

Lynne writes: J.D.Consommé forgets about Mr. Spellchecker, and it was VERY funny.

How 'bout Sherriff Luke, with a Western motif, hand on the gun, looking straight into the camera, a smile just beginning to play about his lips? A Jewish Sherriff, in Arizona Territory. Does the Star of David conflict with the Star of the Law? Who do you want to play you for Chaim's Jew series?

Steve Neece writes: ...if porn were dominated by WASP's like the Mitchell brothers or Russ Hampshire a lot of the animus would be defused.

Lynne: Absolutely not. Never heard of the issue until Luke F-rd brought it up. Being a Bad Girl or (Boy) transcends religion. Porn is "dominated" by no one, for "dominated" implies hierarchy and porn has no "Fortune 500" other than Luke F-rd's best guess. Porn wouldn't change a whit if Russ had more to say than Stevie (Hirsch), or did, or will (he won't). The face of porn is determined by the market, by the audience, not by any Jewish precepts.

Louis Mayer (famous Jewish non-porn filmmaker) used to guess at what Middle America would like. When he was right, he made money. As Luke F-rd will concur, pornographers don't really retain much of their Jewishness or Gentileness: risky behavior creates its own subculture, and religion is far less important to pornographers than many other things.

A thought on the Utah/Mormon thing....by proving that sexuality and humanity are not mutually exclusive. Whoever said sexuality and humanity were mutually exclusive? It's religion and humanity which are mutually exclusive, being that sexuality is part and parcel of humanity.

Seriously, suppose you ran into a younger version of Mimi Rogers, and she offered (credibly) to advance your career as an actor, provided you hooked yourself up to an e-meter and screwed her brains out,while spilling your guts to an "auditor". Would you do it?

Luke: Yes, I'd do it, so long as my rabbi let me. I mean I would screw her, but would not become a Scientologist. Perhaps I could touch her with the Torah, or at least something else very dear to me.

Don't get your hopes up -- your rabbi will never let you, she won't screw you until AFTER you become a Scientologist, and she won't fondle your gun.

I can't believe this is happening. You are making all this up, right? There are no neurosurgeons. You are happily sunning yourself on a beach somewhere, and are making up all this Australian Snake Pit stuff to scare me.

DIAGNOSIS FOLLOWS; TELL THEM TO STOP AND LET YOU HAVE A VACATION WITHOUT MORAL JUDGEMENT

You were brought up in a religious cult. You believe in God but, as your father taught you, not in man's "INERRANT" interpretation. You are looking for a source. Hence Judaism. From the Seventh Day Adventist website:

Healthful Living That the follower of Christ should regard his body as the temple of the Holy Spirit and therefore abstain from all intoxicating beverages, tobacco, coffee, unclean meats, and every soul-defiling habit and practice (1Corinthians 3:16,17; 9:25; 10:31; Proverbs 23:29-32; Deuteronomy 14:3-20).

Regardless of the references, which I haven't had time to look up, I see a conflict here with your emotional investment in masturbation. It was not your fault that you slipped the cocoon and had to deal with the real world as best you could.

Masturbation is not soul-defiling. It is healthful, most especially for fourteen-year-old boys with raging hormones who feel totally displaced and have no idea how to act toward the newly discovered phenomenon known as coed high school. (Poor confused Luke -- must have been constant hard-on and no guidance.) How could a Seventh Day Adventist lead you to a healthy sexuality when gratuitous sexual enjoyment is considered a soul-defiling practice in itself?

I don't like the idea of your so-called loved ones trying to throw a monkey wrench into your spirituality, that's all. Your spirituality, your choices. For good or bad, right or wrong, your decisions are yours and you are to be faithfully respected and loved regardless. Ultimately, the reason you are what you are is that you are your parents' child, and that is not such a bad thing to be.

There is nothing wrong with whatever it is you are OTHER than your extremely strange aversion to physical contact, which is all wrapped up in there somewhere and which you glibly explain to other therapists as something else. You are honest with me about it, but I cannot heal this for you, because my very existence pushes your buttons and I react on a hormonal level to you. (Hi Mom!)

If your parents ignored your fascination with sex for ten years, you'd get over it and go on to something else, but meanwhile, your upbringing would be enough to explain it even without any molesting Uncles needed. I'm very tired but would be remiss if I didn't mention that I do not feel happy knowing your values are being questioned by people who ostensibly love you. No questions asked, Lynne & Tobi

Andy: hey down under. welcome from up above. :)
Andy: heheh. if it does you good, then enjoy. but don't go antidoting your homeopathic medicine with your doctor trips Andy: why all the doctor visits, anyway?
Luzdedos1: my family wants me checked out
Andy: for what?
Luzdedos1: saw a neurosurgeon today, he did not think i had suffered a significant head injury in 1985 which caused my problems. He thought I might be a bit bipolar. Meet tomorrow AM with the psychiatrist.
Andy: hasn't your family seen the change from the homeopathy?
Andy: btw, did you mention you see a homeopath to your doctors?
Luzdedos1: My family is very concerned about me and want to help. They're paying for my trip, my MRI and EEG etc Andy: i thought you were getting better?
Luzdedos1: I am, but I am still writing about porno. Hence, my family is very concerned.
Luzdedos1: They read this letter from Alan Watts aka Luken aka who thought that I was missing the frontal section of my brain.
Andy: now this is not cool. you do something they dislike and they drag you to doctors? that's like major league baseball making john rocker see a shrink because of his interview. whtat is this, the soviet union?
Luzdedos1: I don't know if my family has noticed the improvements from homeopathy. Family dynamics are curious things. If I get really sick, then I might go home to mom and dad and stop writing about porno.
Andy: and renounce judaism, right?
Luzdedos1: No, they're glad for that, it is the porno and the lawsuits and the death threats that bother them
Andy: well it should bother you too. :) but you know, i hate my job, too. i stay because i'm established and restarting is hard. i mean, where else do you go?
Luzdedos1: right, it is hard for scribes to make a living
Andy: or to change, anyway. you have to find another employer.
Luzdedos1: i told my family i would be happy to go if they paid for it, and they did, so i am glad to be back in Australia for first time in ten years, and seeing my sister for first time in nine years.
Andy: but the price is being led around to doctors because they think there is something 'wrong' with you. i don't want to butt in on family things, so i'll keep my mouth shut... i already said too much
Andy: at least point out the half dozen medicines you used to take that you no longer need. that alone should impress the doctors

Body Doubles

Mike Paul writes on RAME: So I make a comment about Natasha Lyonne not doing her own nude scene in "Slums of Beverly Hills", and I get involved in a series of emails with a guy named Steven Weller, who just doesn't get why I have a problem with the idea that an actress will refuse to do nudity, but will let someone else handle it for them. He made a statement something like 'What we do in Hollywood is make illusions, and it's time you found that out.' Like he's some film maker, and I'm a rube who don't know nothin'.

How many people think it's OK for one woman to do the 'acting' job, and another to do any required nudity? Would it be OK if more 'actresses' started doing porn, but another woman did all the insert shots? Really tight close-ups, so the Movie Magic could hide the switch. I say if a part requires nudity, an actress willing to do it should be hired.

Same for hardcore porn: I felt ripped off when Marie Forsa didn't do her own hardcore in "Butterflies". If an actress doesn't want to be a 'slut', she should pass on the role, rather than make out like the nudity (or sex) is beneath her. It is *not* the same as a stunt double, even if "Mr. Hollywood" thinks it is...

Mike Paul - If I walk away from a movie thinking a woman has nice nipples, they really, really, REALLY should be hers.

Is Diversity Good?

Taliesin writes: Well, this brings up another facet of porn. Sure it's visual -- even written pornography has a visual component as it is mostly descriptive of the actions taking place, though the visuals occur in the mind of the reader -- but isn't it also a matter of not who looks good but who performs well?

I'm sure we've all seen an actress or two who has given a bad performance. We want the actors to be stiff, not the actresses; they need to flow, to show they are enjoying the sex and convey that to the viewers. There are plastic, Barbie doll types who look pretty but really don't f--- well on film. There are also those females who are not 10s who love to f---, and who do it well for the cameras.

I have to say that Jennie Joyce (my ex-girlfriend) and Ginni Lewis (also a good friend) are two such women. Both are swingers, and really love to do what they do.

Ginni and I are the only two performers to be in all three volumes of The Ultimate Orgy series. After seeing Ultimate Orgy #1, I noticed Ginni for the first time, and knew I wanted to do a scene with her. So I was delighted when we both were together in the sequel. (Though we were both in the first one, we did not perform together.)

I later cast Ginni in Positively Pagan #5 (Party People) and #7 (Sex Scenes). Jennie Joyce and I met at a swing party. People she knew in the biz, like Ron Jeremy, had been asking her for a while to get into porn performing. I cast her in her first movie Positively Pagan #8: Sex Blondes, and later she appeared in #s 11 and 12 (Trafficking and Aiding & Abetting).

Both Jennie and Ginni are excellent performers; they have a positive attitude toward sex and are fun to be with. Certainly a positive attitude and a genuine zest for sex must be factors in the enjoyment of a performance, whether one is a participant in that performance or an observer of it.

I suppose there is a difference for fans of what they might be looking for at a particular time. Perhaps the plastic type of women, big boobs, big blonde hair, that type is what's expected from professional porn; these women look like they are built to f--- (whether they have any ability to do so or not) as opposed to the more real types one might find in amateur movies. It's been my experience and observation that the amateurs, who may not look like porn stars, are really in to the sex and thus give a good performance (almost) every time.

So, in a similar vein to what I asked about the male performers recently, does the look of the female matter more than the performance or does the performance matter more than the look?

Patrick Riley writes: It would be far far easier to list those who have given a good performance. Acting level in almost all pornos is abysmal and I'm not talking about the non-copulatory activities; real performances aresometimes OK.

Why is it that the alternative to a butt ugly pig is a Barbie doll? The usual agenda, Tal? Trying to pretend that people are not born ugly? That somehow everyone is equal? They're not you know.

Contrast Roseanne Barr (a fat ugly pig) and Jennifer Love Hewitt (a what?...certainly not plastic). Two ends of the spectrum ignoring the half-human things one gets in the plumper tapes. If JLH (as a girl down the block, not a movie star) just lay there and essentially ignored you while you pumped away would you be thrilled to screw her, even so? Personally, I'd be in her like a rat up a drainpipe. OTOH, Roseanne would have to pay me *really* big bucks to even touch her (after the obligatory Lysol bath of course) and even then I'd insist on a full body bag with just a slit opening and absolutely no oralcontact. Some of the examples you cite are close to, if not beyond Roseanne.

OTOH if you have a mediocre female lookswise, yes she can enhance her desirability by a good performance in the cot. IOW a 5 can become a 6 by a passionate performance; she still can't become a 10. And, maybe a 6 can become a 5 with a lousy performance.

The contents of the dumpster outside the restaurant "might" taste nice and be edible but I wouldn't want to eat it.

There's an interesting article on why diversity is a bad idea on Luke F-rd's site but even if we ignore the social implications, diversity is usually bad on a personal basis. For example, if you're a chubby chaser what good are videos featuring slim girls; they just take up space that could be occupied by yourpreference.

Taliesin the Bard writes: There was a skinny little, scraggly haired girl named Deena (or something like that) who made some of the very first amateur movies. I love her stuff. Bad lighting, poor tape quality, women and men ranging from fat to thin and everything in between. But all of them having the time of their lives f---ing for the cameras. These movies were a lot of fun to watch.

I meant that there was a whole spectrum of types, and many of those types are beautiful in their own ways in the real world. In porn movies there are certainly a variety of types as well, but most of the attention seems to go to the big boobed blondes; they're on the video boxes and magazine covers and so forth. Maybe because I'm around swingers so much -- and swingers come in so many varieties and types -- that I'm just used to appreciating the sexuality of a wider variety of types than some people are.

You seem to be assuming that there is an objective set standard rather than a matter of personal taste. Someone who's a 10 to me may be a 5 to you and vice versa. Regardless of look, I will tell you, that a good personality helps when you're the guy who has to do a sex scene after already spending fifteen hours on the set. If the woman you're with doesn't have a good personality, doesn't engage you emotionally, you're going to be there a long time, you and her and the crew, trying to get the job done. A woman who looks beautiful but has a lousy personality is a real turn off for me. A less attractive woman, who has a sense of humor, is pleasant to be around, who enjoys life is a lot more attractive to me. That's the woman I would want to spend time with.

Patrick my friend you seem to have confused diversity with specialization, even fetish. Specialization and fetish means that one is attracted to a particular type of something; appreciating diversity means the ability to enjoy a variety of types and to delight in the fact that there are so many different types ot enjoy. I do tend to overlook differences and focus on what's the same about something; with porn I focus on the performance not the performer. If the sex is hot I can enjoy it. I'm not saying I don't have my favorites (Vanessa Del Rio, Leslie Bovee, Amber Hunt, Rene Bond, Cicciolina, Teresa Orlowski and a few others) but I don't limit myself to a particular type. I try to get into the spirit of things when I'm watching porn. If the peformers, whoever they might be, are having a good time f---ing their brains out then I'll probably have a good time watching. The same holds true for when I'm performing; I like to be with an actress who likes what she's doing, who has fun with it, and knows how to do it for thecameras.

Basement child writes: I hardly know where to begin: body architecture, age, race, none of this matters if the action isn't good. For me it's almost exclusively crotch close-ups with good insertion and convincing orgasms, regardless of how the woman looks. In fact, the less I can see of their faces thebetter. One of things that delight me is that I can never decide ahead of time if a woman is going to turn me on until I see her in action. Silvia Saint can bore me to tears, while Robin from http://www.ipvporductions.com is one of my favorites.

There is no way to compare them in terms of beauty; Robin would come out ugly compared to Sylvia, and that would be the end of it. But Robin wins in terms of sexiness by such a wide margin that it is amazing to contemplate! Now if Silvia did what Robin does, I would be a very happy camper, but she doesn't, and probably never will. There seems to be a wide gulf separating what is truly erotic from what is merely pornographic.

Pat Riley writes about why consumers are having a hard time finding the new movie from Elegant Angel at their corner smut shop: There's actually another reason why they're not carrying it. According to my local video store owner the two distributors he deals with have refused to carry the tape because of concerns about prosecution (according to the distributors). IOW the filter is not at the retailer level but at the wholesaler, something that has been hinted at before with issues like this. I think it was on Gene Ross' site where the guy from Pleasure Prod. (Jim Gunn's old boss and also owner of a large distributor) and Eddie W[something or other] of Goalie both said they were making lots of money so why rock the boat. They probably wouldn't carry it at anyprice.

MTV's Real Porn Life

JeffM writes: hey luke, that mtv real life show"im a porn star" premiered last year, i think theyre re-airing it. it was ok... they talked about how companies like vivid and wicked are pro condom and how rob black was against it. also they interviewed chloe as the "anal queen" of porn (shes ok but i think tiffany mynx or even mila has that honor) they were on the set of a wicked film called eros but they didnt show any f---ing although you can hear the moaning from the women. they interviwed jim south and this new girl who was doing a scene with ed powers(hasnt he retired yet? if no he needs to) and they did talk to brooke ashley after she found out she got hiv from the anal gangbang film she did (too bad cause that movie was terrible). its ok but it only scratched the surface of the la porn scene. one more comment, the reason i fast forward through dialouge in porn films is its boring!!! filmmakers like john stagliano need to learn how to edit thier stuff so it moves along faster. after sitting through the teasing and dumb jokes youre not interested in the sex anymore. this aint titanic youre making here come on!

Mike South writes: T Bone...in the bag of assholes it'd be mighty hard to find a bigger one than you, BUT Cholly Fry is a hands down winner. Now the fact is you have filed for personal bankruptcy and hung a lot of people with your debts. It's a matter of public record...and hopefully makes people wiser about extending you credit. and credibility

Oprah writes: I'd like to respond to Chelsea Pfeifer's remarks [about Hal's parrot]. You're correct, anything goes on this site. However, it's also true that no evidence means no crime. Those are the rules. Let Hal rest in peace.

Alan Watts writes: Since Peter Hayes admits he fails to make any hardcore distinctions between his women with clothes on, and women with clothes off(he said they're sexier to him clothed), nor even between their public and pubic hairs, I suggest he dress warmly and save some money on his next trip around the globe. Join the co-ed Greenpeace crowd on their next excursion to the North Pole, Peter, and aid these noble folks in publicizing young fur seals instead! And remember to take a trusty pocket dictionary along next time, my good man.

J. Patrick writes Luke: Greetings, I have not seen a porno flick in almost 3 years yet I have been reading your column almost every day since early '98. For me, it's like some crazy internet soap opera with you as the narrator and instigator. What goes around comes around so if you do get death threats, stop printing lies. It's that simple. Now, you can't do this forever, so how about in 5 years you become the first lawyer of porn? Lynne seems to think you might be good too. Think about it, you could advertise on your website for clients. The Continental

P.S. I have never met you and I have seen 1 interview for some show on fox, but if I had to describe you in one word, it would be sneaky. Your picture says it all. I think it's time for a new one. How about one of you with your hands on your hips looking determined?

Best Butt In The West

Brian Long writes: Brandy and Russell........ Russell, you state that you haven't seen any of Brandy's movies. Well, possibly you haven't seen her website either. Brandy doesn't just write about her movies being stolen, money not being paid to her, and sequels ruining her good name, she also writes about how she's been let go from numerous jobs after performing outstandingly, she writes how a mattress store screwed her unmercillessly, she found it neccessary to write pages on how McDonald's had the nerve to give her the wrong sauce for her McNuggets, or something. Starting to see a pattern here? Maybe you haven't noticed, but Brandy also seems to have online feuds with numerous pornstars, directors, industry workers, everyday joe blows. I mean, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is the world against Brandy.

Also, I know lots and lots and LOTS of people who watch porn. Who enjoy porn. Who will go out of their way to see porn. But I can guarantee you that I haven't met a single solitary porn watcher that would come to work upset one day because the night before he watched a porn movie which was an obvious rip-off acting as a sequel to a previous successful porn film. And, if you're one of those people, I can also guarantee you, you're in the minority. No, I wouldn't put Adam Sandler movies in the same category as Scorcese films, but let's be a little more realistic, ok? Go to work tomorrow, get a group of co-workers together, and try and start a discussion on an Adam Sandler film. I bet you could pull it off. I bet there will be some intelligent feedback....."Remember when he said....?", "I liked the part....." "Why did this happen?" I bet there will be some comparisons to other Sandler films. I bet there will be some people who rank the films bad, good, and excellent.

Now, try and get a group of co-workers together to discuss "Best Butt(e) in the West". See if you'll have the same discussion. "Remember this plot twist?" Huh? Look, obviously you look at these movies in the same way you'd look at a mainstream film, but the fact of life is, almost no one else does, and sorry if this bothers the both of you. Brandy, as for your claim "However, I have been told by a number of compulsive fast-forwarders that this was one of very few videos that actually compelled them to watch in its entirety for the story as well as the sex." Well, I mean, if they're talking to your face, what do you expect them to say? It's like, if you get a haircut that is ugly, and you say to a friend, "What do you think of the haircut?", do you think they're going to say anything other than "Looks great"? And the personal attack you claim I did on you. I don't know, I've heard alot of personal things spew from your computer and onto cyberland.

Concerned in Modesto writes: Beware Lord Peter! I now feel that his tired Christian rhetoric is merely a clever little ruse to get close to you. His real goal is not your religious conversion, but your SEXUAL conversion. This man is clearly obsessed / in love with you. To put it in Australian homo slang: He wants to put his well lubed "shrimp" in your tight little "barbie". Lord Peter is a Peter Eater! Danger, Luke! Danger! Concerned ps Nice weather down there?

Luke: It is beautiful, sunny, cloudy, and about 80 degrees. And the Queensland Bulls look poised to win the Sheffield Shield (Australia's cricket competition) as they are thrashing Victoria on the fourth day of play.

Ogman writes: hey luke. a few notes and a question or two: lynne?: what black serial killers? the one guy on the bus that shot a bunch of people and then tried to represent himself in court? or the black guy who just shot like 5 white people in two mcdonald's? both of these are cases of "mass" or "multiple" murders and do not fit the description nor the MO of a proper serial killer. i have never heard of an actual african-american serial killer in any country, and although i could most certainly be wrong, i would like to know: what black serial killers?

in general: who the hell is this alan watts guy and why is he so bitter and angry at you, luke? is this, perhaps, someone who did indeed issue a death threat and did not follow through? - he certainly sounds like it. mr. watts, why exactly are you so deeply concerned with luke and what he is doing? why do you care about his status - celebrity or non-? you honestly sound a little disturbed and the bulls--- about the abused children and gun-toting women is only semi-hysterical rhetoric which really does more to prove that luke probably has received half-conceived death threats than it does to cement your flaccid little argument there. you could better direct your rantings to the christian "preacher" or whatever that wants so desparately to save luke's wayward soul. maybe between the two of you, you'd both stand a better chance...

Marilyn Star

HI Luke,--HOT OFF THE PRESS-- Vancouver Sun (march 18, 2000) Large one inch headlines. "Porn Queen Breaks Her Silence", It has to be at least a million dollar or over scam, to get larger print in Vancouver. In Vancouver, $88,000, scam is a non-event. (CHUMP CHANGE) Its so small a sum, you would never be asked to be a guest speaker anywhere in Vancouver. In the front page of the Vacouver Sun,they printed a picture of Kathryn Gannon ( Marylin Star ) Im sure it was her GRAD.PICTURE from one of our "Smile and Slime " schools in Vancouver. Holding two puppys with a VIRGIN look on her face.She has only been here a few weeks, but Im sure she went to one of those fast track schools in Vancouver.

Her Male Friend ( Michael Gilley ).The paper said, that he rented a 2000 sq.ft. water front condo over looking English Bay for Kathryn to live in,while he was leaving his wife that lives in North Vancouver along with there FOUR KIDS. ( my my ) . Now for the funny part:- Gannon said she will not attend the trial and remain a fugitive from US.justice,precluding her from re-entering the United States. ( WOW ! that really hurts! )

Referring again to the relationship between her and Gillys wife, she said it became more CONFRONTATIONAL ( ha ha ) At one point,she complained to the North Vancouver Police,but she said they did little more than provide her with a BROCHURE ON FAMILY VIOLENCE, ( only in Canada you say) Last June,she flew to Vancouver to visit friends and "reconnect with my Canadian Roots" Now for the best laugh:- Looking for a new career as a BUSINESS CONSULTANT,( sic.) she was introduced by a mutual friend to GILLEY,who offered to help her DEVELOP a career as a BUSINESS CONSULTANT ( only in Canada, ha ha ha)

Now you all "LISTEN UP"

Despite the TURMOIL,she says she and Gilley are still planning to marry "It would be nice to get married on April 12,which is my brithday,but the trail would still be going on.That would really SPAZ people out". ( no kidding ha ha ha). Now for all you Porn Queens,who wonder if there is life after sucking dick.Why yes there is! Move to Vancouver,and become a BUSINESS CONSULTANT, if those jobs are taken up,try for a job in a DAY CARE CENTRE, we Canadians hold no grudges.

Mormon Missionairies Confirm Lynne's Theory

Lynne writes: Being only peripherally acquainted with the subject, I am always happy when my theology is on target. I was walking on Magnolia in North Hollywood yesterday when I saw two young Mormon men, sitting on their bicycles, obviously on their year's mission in the secular world. I decided to ask them about Utah, censorship, and being a good Mormon in the face of temptation ( I am very brave about approaching people when my tattoos show and I'm walking Tobi, the ferocious pit bull bitch.) One man was from Alberta, Canada; the other from Tucson, Arizona, so both had grown up in the contamination of the world outside Utah.

They both assured me that it was their responsibilities, as Mormons, to ignore temptation, and that they could be good Mormons outside the protected territory of Utah. "That's good to know, " I replied, "because I wrote something for the Internet where I used that as a metaphor, that if Mormons could be good Mormons outside of Utah, Jews could be good Jews outside of of Israel, too." The bolder of the young men looked at me in shock. "Oh boy," he exclaimed, "I should hope so!"

Superwoman got up early, researched Seventh Day Adventists in Australia, did eight loads of laundry and took a last look at the movie before dumping it to Beta, which is happening now (Sunday afternoon, 4 p.m.)

When I get the money, there will actually be a cut we can show our parents, which makes you, Luke, the final word on the emotional underpinnings of the porn industry. In the movie, you appear to have the "correct" insight, and the way you express it, the industry isn't pretty (which is your viewpoint). We recut David to fit right into what you have to say about him, again not pretty. You come across great.

I was advised to get out of the magazine business a long time ago by one of Ruben's Original Salesmen.

My movie deliberately mentions l-keford.com as much as possible while remaining in good taste, and I want tattoo money at least out of the product placement. I will e-mail Craig again, call Robert Spallone and think hard to see if there is anyone else who thinks they can make money off you who might like to see the video. Whew...that's a hard one. Finding someone who wants to see a video LYNNE made which features Luke F-rd. I'll have it to VCA tomorrow. As to the Lord Peter Un-Christian, I think he needs to redefine his version of Christian love before he extends it to you, my precious. Love you dearly, my little fundamental monotheist.

Lynne writes: Dear most special friend: Came into the living room early this a.m. There's the BEST quality pot (and even drugs I don't like) scattered all over the floor. What a way to start the day... Intoxicating I worship you with orgasms and purified soul Look what I found! An Australian Seventh Day Adventist Page! Know thy enemies..... Sample Below:

Christian Standards That the followers of Christ should manifest true Christian modesty in dress and deportment and should shun all questionable worldly amusements such as the theater and dance (1Timothy 2:9,10; Matthew 24:37-44; James 1:27; 2Timothy 3:4,5).

Lynne writes: I feel like a pulp writer....how many words can I give you? ....be with your family...be with yourself...be safe and well....

TRUTH ABOUT PORNO DEATH THREATS

Punkin' , I'm sorry that "Alan Watts" is giving you a hard time about the porno death threats. Not my favorite funny subject. I know how they upset you. You don't have enough experience with that sort of thing to know which ones are real and which are macho posturing, especially since you are blessedly free of macho posturing. Only about one out of one hundred could possibly be taken seriously and that one your gun won't protect you against. Not a joke.

The attached picture is my all time favorite of us. People may judge your gun for themselves. I'm grateful you were sheltered in so many ways from the worst of the world's evils. But, sadly, emotional abuse, abandonment and psychological horror are truly stressful and damaging. If having the gun makes you feel safer, tuck it under the blue bunny blanket and who's to know?

All battles don't have to be fought on the same field. Cyberspace is a perfectly appropriate battleground for intellectual issues, such as censorship. You aren't expected to choose which battles you fight based on someone else's priorities. Fight for something you believe in, babykins. You believe in a lot of things, so try to find a conflict where your special qualities give you the best hope of prevailing.

I thought about Watts' comment about me the other day, that I dragged my "lovers" through your muck. There is a difference between people I have sex with and "lovers," and none of the guys I've had sex with since Bruce died have been anything like "lovers." More like "users."

You are the only "lover" I have had for a very long time, even though we have a chaste relationship. We have never even engaged in "electronic fornication." My marriage was monogamous for so long, until Bruce's cancer made him impotent, and I hardly see one sex act in the last six months as evidence of addictive behavior.

Physical intimacy is one way to be close to people; what we do is another. I'm not a sex addict; I'm an intimacy addict. I really like sex, but it doesn't seem to be worth the trouble.

And when I speak with older people who say they haven't had intercourse in years...how horribly sad! I was very lucky to be with Bruce for the time we had together, and only wish to share that enjoyment of sex with others through my movies.

When XXX had the audacity to call me up and say, "Don't tell Luke F-rd but I think I gave you an STD," my knee-jerk reaction was to call you, baby, but I held my tongue. When he called me for the second time a week later and said he might have exposed me to another STD, I realized there were a lot more people out there who needed to know about this than you and me, toots.

OVERHEARD AT THE EDITING BAY:

A guy said, "I wanna wear a Star of David. Like Sammy Davis, Jr. I wanna be a Jew." I said, "Oh, like Luke F-rd?" "Luke F-rd, that guy? That guy's an asshole!" I show him my ring. He gulps. You have very good taste in jewelry, angelface.

HILLARY CLINTON

Her favorite Bible quote regarding Bill and her love for him is something to do with Jesus forgiving Judas, and that surely if Jesus can sit down to dinner with the man who is about to betray him, we should be able to deal with guys who can't keep their dicks in their pants and don't call us when they say they will and other minor s---. Not that keeping one's dick in one's pants is easy -- professional porn stars have been known to call the police for help with it.

LUKE SPENDS QUALITY TIME WITH HIS FAMILY

It's hard to believe what you are telling us about the deprogramming et al -- that there are really people who are looking for what is "wrong" with you. I am so hoping you just needed to avoid my physical presence until I got out of town, so you decided to split until I was safely ensconced in Portland.

I attempted to find Lord Christian, OBE in a quick search but no luck. To tell you the truth, I found his letter to be a little offensive. I'm sure your sister loves you, and love, whether filial, Christian, or Kosher, is rare and to be treasured wherever it is found. But the idea that there is some "kind" of person you are supposed to be back among, that you are pretending to be "one of us?" Does this imply that Seventh Day Adventist believers are a special "kind" of person? Isn't that what your father contested? I am really offended by anyone questioning your choice to make an adult decision regarding religion, and by intimating that because I have my own beliefs, you shouldn't be interacting with me. That is not loving, Christian, or any other kind. As a Jew, it terrifies me that your "kind" seem so hostile to my people! I am arranging therapy to have you deprogrammed from the deprogramming upon your return. It will be good Jewish therapy, with both secular and religious counselors, aimed at helping you become a better Jew. After that, we will get you some editorial therapy to help you become a better writer. (I was diddling around on amazon.com today, looking at the Ford family's literary efforts.) I feel as if you've said, "Honey, my family's arranged to have me abducted by aliens next Tuesday." Someone wants to impose their agenda on you, and your specialness results from the agenda you've evolved for yourself. How dare anyone tinker with you! You are so incredibly special the way you are! If you are the special project of an omnipotent Creator, how dare they question? (And if you are only a collection of amazing coincidences and contradictions, I love you anyway.) Lynne Anyway, it's getting really late and I have to be in the editing bay in the morning and do a bunch of laundry. I'll be on line for maybe 48 hours more.

Australian Jews

Chaim Amalek writes: Luke, I have always regarded them with fascination. Now that you have the opportunity to study them in their native habitat, could you compare them to the LA variety? Please answer each question in the time alloted in the space just below each question, using a blue pen.

1.How do they compare? Friendlier, more/less clannish,

2.richer/poorer?

3.Do they have as tight a lock on Australian culture as American jews have on American culture?

4. How many holocaust museums/memorials per square mile are there, and how central is the holocaust to their theology and communal strength?

5. How politically powerful are they?

6. How numerous - what fraction of the population of australia?

7.Do they intermarry with the local aboriginal population much?

8.Are they "liberals"?

9.How tolerant are they of your chosen field?

10. Has any aboriginal aussie ever converted to Judaism?

11. And will you be celebrating purim by reverting to the faith of your ancestors?

BONUS QUESTION: How would your answers change if you were speaking of New Zealand jews (kiwis)?

PS Do not under any circumstances let any doctor stick a glowing hot needle into the frontal lobes of your cerebrum while down under. Don't mess with marsupial meat, unless really hungry. And have you considered Scientology as a way to finally get ahead and join the Hollywood mainstream? Seriously, suppose you ran into a younger version of Mimi Rogers, and she offered (credibly) to advance your career as an actor, provided you hooked yourself up to an e-meter and screwed her brains out,while spilling your guts to an "auditor". Would you do it?

Luke: Yes, I'd do it, so long as my rabbi let me. I mean I would screw her, but would not become a Scientologist. Perhaps I could touch her with the Torah, or at least something else very dear to me.

Pseudo Jew Marc Weisblot of RadioDigest.com writes: Note to Chaim Amalek--I noted the "similarity" of your last name to the genocidal tribe because plenty of the RadioDigest.com/toronto readers probably don't know that it's Purim...most especially the Jewish ones. If I were to start an anti-Amalek website, do you think the feds would force the ISP to shut it down, even though the Torah is commanding me to do just that. Of course, much like someone at shul remarked earlier today, "I keep searching for Amalek to hate, but I can't seem to find them..."

Marcus Killus writes: What difference does it make if Oppenheimer said "i have become death the destoryer of world" or "i have become shiva the destoryer of worlds"? it's a f---in arrogant quote.The latter of which i have from several sources.While i may be a bit undereducated for this lofty discourse, stupid, i am not.and if history be as Napoleon said "mutualy aggreed upon fiction" lets all agree that the second more dramatic quote be Oppenheimer's.HA HA ! who inna hell is fuji ? i don't like him. i.marcus killus is a 6ft 1 inch 185 lbs of lean alpha male with a full head of hair,and a above average length penis, a recovering catholic of the political left who speaks in his own voice,and so despise people like Coward Stern & Chaim Amalek who would use others words to render their true sentiments. Today i bought a half dozen day old bagles in a Small Central Pennsylvaina town with a predominate, inbred germanic populous, that were equal to any bagel on the upper west side. Yea, at bagel nosh at 53 & 3 ave. ;) I am Absolutly certain that Stern and Hugh Hefner are poor templates of manhood for Jew or Gentile.

Steve Neece writes: Had a thought.Do you think a lot of the anti-porn sentiment of the religious right stems from their perception (correct) of porn being an industry dominated by Jews.There is a lot of innate anti-semitism in that crowd and I think this has been overlooked as a cause of their animus towards the industry.Do they feel this is a Jewish plot to weaken the fabric of gentile society?Do they see the increasing misogyny of porn as a manifestation of Jewish male hatred of gentiles and especially their women?Degrading their women as a form of revenge.Perhaps if porn were dominated by WASP's like the Mitchell brothers or Russ Hampshire a lot of the animus would be defused.

A thought on the Utah/Mormon thing.Did you know that a number of porn performers started life as Mormons?Among them Annette Haven,Rhonda Jo Petty and Heather Wayne ? I don't know if Harry Reems became one when he settled there but he adopted some manner of Christianity. Finally ,it is my opinion that Annette Haven,Veronica Hart ,Hyapatia Lee, Kay Parker etc. have done far more good for humanity than the huge majority of politicans and other public figures merely by proving that sexuality and humanity are not mutually exclusive.

Jim: Hey, don't forget Brandy Alexandre, (she even shares a last name with the founder, old Joe). I live near the land where the world will one day end according to Joe Smith - Independence Missouri. Go figure. Now that Joe Smith, L Ron Hubbard and Elvis are approaching deity status, I think it's time to update Andy Worhol's quote - "in the future, all of us will be god for 15 minutes"