Sunday, March 19, 2000

Email Luke

Bisbane, Australia. Sunday: 7AM.

Luke gets mail:

Chelsea Pfeifer writes: Hello, I'm writing in reponse to Carole's (Hal Guthu's ex-partner) request that we let you know how hurtful we felt the writings about Hal and his parrot were. The picture, most espeically. I'm sure this couldn't possibly mean anything to someone with no heart, but Hal certainly never did anything to deserve anyone writing anything like that disrespectful garbage about him. May you reap as you sow.

John Bone writes: I always knew Charly Fry talked through his asshole, I just didn't know it was called Mike South.

George writes: Luke; I get the feeling, reading letters in your column, that there is hardly anyone out there that likes you. Although some of the letters sound civil, most seem to question your mental abilities and/or your sexual leanings. Well Luke, although you and I have never met, or will probably never meet, you can count me as a friend. I get a kick out of looking through your web site and the "nice" pictures. And I don't have any nasty thoughts about what your sex life is like or what your religious views are. As far as I'm concerned that is your business. But this friendship will be based on a very important condition of course. Should you actually run for and get elected to a public office, I don't want to hear that you are going to shut down the porn industry. After all Luke, watching good old fashioned f--- films is a lot more interesting then watching anything on TV these days. And if you should make an effort to try to shut the industry down, you will have to remove my name from your short list of friends.

Sean writes: How would an average guy like go about obtaining tickets to either the annual AVN awards show, or the Adualt Video (convention?) held in Vegas annually or any other type of eventwhere fans can party & participate w/ the big names.

Luke: Check out AVN.com for dates for forthcoming porn events.

Brandy Alexandre responds to Brian Long: In response to Brian Long: I understand what the industry is, trust me, and frequently describe it in the same manner as you. But the people who buy and sell porn movies take it all very seriously, and within the realm of pornography, some movies are The Godfather and Schindler's List. However, I have been told by a number of compulsive fast-forwarders that this was one of very few videos that actually compelled them to watch in its entirety for the story as well as the sex. Also, as far as reputations go, because of the success of Cheeks 5: Cop A Feel in foreign sales alone, the foreign rights buyers got into a bidding war for Best Butt(e) in the West sight unseen because I was the one who was making it. Jon of Antigua Pictures (I think he's still there) can confirm, as can David Christopher. So yes, a garbage sequel peddled under the name of a successful video from a successful director can sully the reputation of both said video and director.

I personally do not appreciate the idea that Coast to Coast/Marty Rothstein made a couple of bad movies called "Best Butt(e) in the West" to fool some poor slob in the USA or overseas broker into thinking it would be as good as the original. Add to that the fact that Marty lied to my face (over the phone) saying the movie was not at all successful. If that was the case, then they would not have put such a crappy title on subsequent, unrelated videos. The whole point was about the ethics rating for Rothstein company, not that I'm trying to pretend I'm the wunderkind of porn. Luke removed one star from Rothstein, leaving him with three, but I think it needs taken down another notch or two. The question that brought this up asked about moral high ground. I pointed out a incident and the facts surrounding it. No need for the personal attacks.

Russell writes: Brian's dismissal of Brandy's concern about her reputation (because of bad sequels to "Best Butt(e) in the West") is a common one among viewers of porn and on your web site. The basic idea is that porn is just jerkoff material for men with no artistic value, and so no one involved in its production should have any pride in what they produce. I have not seen any of Brandy's movies, but it seems perfectly reasonable to me for her to be concerned about her standing within the porn industry; her reputation for producing quality porn by the standards of porn, regardless of the value Brian Long (or Luke F-rd) assigns to porn relative to Scorcese films or fine wine or anything else.

I'm a bit unclear on why entertainment whose only purpose is sexual excitement or gratification is inherently less worthwhile than entertainment whose only purpose is making you laugh or scaring you. If we had the same tortured ambivalence about humor as we do about sex, presumeably we'd be hearing the same kind of argument about comedy sequels. An Adam Sandler movie does not measure up to Scorcese in plot or acting quality either, but he gets considerably more respect for making people laugh by doing stupid things than porn actors get for making people aroused by doing sexual things. Why?

Fuji writes about Marcus Killus: Who the heck is this guy? Anyway, Oppenheimer did not say "I have become Shiva,The destroyer of worlds." He did quote a passage from the Bhaghavad Gita, which has the Hindu god Shiva saying, "I have become Death, the destroyer of world." Oppenheimer was almost lamenting the power he had unleashed. No wonder he became a traitor to his own nation. Anyway, Killus "has become stupid, the twister of quotations."

Slade writes: Hey Luke. I think Tianna was the hottest little firecracker to ever get into the porno industry. I don't really see much of her anymore. Does she still act? I know you're a busy guy but if you could tell me what her most recent movies were I'd really appreciate it.

Lynne writes: Dear Luke arrives safely. Oh, precious, precious words.

I finished the movie today (Thursday) and it is GOOD. Why shouldn't it be? It goes to tape tomorrow (Friday afternoon) and I start spreading tapes around the middle/end of next week (by which time I'll be in Portland). What I did with you, so that you can't be accused of being allowed to puff yourself, is to use credits to identify you and running a crawl referring to l-keford.com over your segments.

The info I needed to register for school came by e-mail this afternoon. I should be able to get it taken care of tomorrow morning first thing. I should get my test results back from Dr. York Friday afternoon. I have to get ready for the drive up, have the car serviced, collect on a non-business debt. There won't be time to do everything. I won't get to take any fun classes this term unless somehow I can pull off a math miracle whilst also taking biology and chemistry.

What does it mean that the ultimate ethical pornographer fell in love with you at first sight without knowing a thing about you? Where do you go from that? If you ever fantasized that there was such a thing, did I satisfy your expectations? This made me laugh. I like quizzes. Here are my answers.

1) Which was more unnerving Luke's pursuit of a career in porn journalism or his conversion to Judaism?

I sure hope it's porn, otherwise someone please, hide me in the attic before Luke's family turns me in to the Religion Police.

2) Thinking back on Luke as a child can you pin point any clues that may have indicated that he might seek a career in the sex industry? EX. obsession with pornography, preoccupation with masturbation, repeated Uncle molestations ...

From the lecture you gave, the porn in the forest at puberty would have told me something.

3) What was the Ford family's reaction to the news of Luke's rejection of Jesus Christ as his personal savior and his subsequent embrace of the Jewish faith?

I'm looking forward to learning myself.

4) Who would you consider the superior choice for the future Mrs. Luke F-rd: the amiable, educated, and very Jewish NJG or the tattooed, pierced, and decidedly WASPy Kendra Jade?

Kendra, because she could convert, offer you children, and because NJG told me she finds the idea of you actually connecting with a woman hysterically funny.

5) Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Valid clinical disease or symptom of excessive masturbation?

Bulls--- term for those who think Depression has the negative connotation of mental illness.

6) How do you respond when friends and acquaintances ask questions concerning Luke's occupation?

I'm sure they dissemble just as we do when we meet someone we aren't ready to tell, no?

7) Do you ever feel guilty that if the entire family had converted to Judaism when Luke was a youngster that he would probably be a nice lawyer, accountant, or dentist today?

This is a lovely question, considering the number of Jews who are nasty pornographers. But you could have never been a "nice" anything: you have your father's image before you. You might make a great lawyer...

THERE ARE BLACK SERIAL KILLERS. I GET CONSTIPATED WHEN THINGS ARE WRONG AND WHEN I TRAVEL AND CAN ONLY POTTY IN MY OWN HOME. However, my dog, who is not to my knowledge Jewish, is the same way. That's it for now. I don't know what day it is where you are, or when you will get this. It's a time warp. The distance is irrelevant but you're not in my reality, even in terms of a Jewish schedule. You're in my movie, though. That is also surreal.

Later, Lynne writes: Am working vigorously this morning to disprove the theory of Jewish irregularity, but I have another theory for you: Jewish women have a special relationship toward toilet paper. We use more than gentile women and we are so neurotic about running out that we hoard it. Anyone ever notice this other than my late husband, who always ran out of pot but NEVER ran out of toilet paper?

A few little notes from the movie project. I do a segment where I parody the "soap opera" style of porn. My editor just finished up a Bud Lee project in that style. I needed music for some title cards and totally coincidentally selected the music he used to score Bud Lee's last project. I do a very accurate parody, even coincidentally. The editor and I are discussing removing yet more off camera direction. I ask him, "How many times have you had to remove my voice from the movie?" He thinks about it..."I didn't." I usually only say one word after the cameras are up to speed: "Cut!" I brief everyone ahead of time as meticulously as I can.

I took Leslie the 24-hour TV buff to the bay Friday to watch the movie. She got to "meet" David for the first time. She could tell which footage was shot before "the incident" and which after. She felt you came across much better on camera than in person. I explained that is good editing -- obviously you are the same Luke. We keep the smiles and cut out the filler.

Email: HERE IS A LINK THAT WILL TAKE YOU TO A PAGE WHERE YOU CAN SEE CLIPS AND PICTURES OF JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT: THE MOST FAMOUS DICK IN THE WORLD. http://johnwaynebobbitt.homestead.com/ENTRANCE.html. ONCE INSIDE HIT CLIPS AND PICS. THE MOVIE WILL BE RELEASED IN APRIL ALONG WITH THE OFFICIAL WEB SITE. THE LINK I SENT IS JUST A TEASE OF WHAT IS TO COME.

Kenyan Women Demand Sex

NAIROBI, Kenya (Reuters) -- A group of women stormed a Kenyan police station to demand officers either make love to them or close illegal drinking dens they said made their husbands impotent, a local newspaper reported on Wednesday.

The People newspaper said the women, from Kandara, north of Nairobi, brought business in the town to a halt with their day-long protest against excessive drinking by their menfolk.

"Our men have turned to vegetables. They leave home early and come back intoxicated. There is nobody to meet the sexual needs of wives," the newspaper quoted one woman as saying.

More Sex In Tokyo

Peter Hayes writes: My work on sex in Tokyo has proved very popular with a letter flooding in correcting me on the subject of the availability of pubic hair in new stand magazines. Just to show that I am a man that allows a second opinion I have been on to my contacts in Japan and have created a sex guide to the area of Tokyo called Kabukicho - the most popular red light district - so you know what to avoid.

"Hostess bar": A place where women are paid to listen to the boring conversation of businessmen. Some of these ladies are western. No sex takes place on the premises but it is possible that people can meet later.

"Nozokibeya": This is a peep show that is popular in the area. Nearly always one way mirrors that hide the viewer who does not speak to the girls - unlike elsewhere. The strength of acts can vary wildly from mild striptease to simulated sex.

"Terekura" is a kind of phone club. Here young men pay to sit in a booth and receive phone calls from the other sex. Sometimes it is from bored housewives, sometimes genuine singles, sometimes thrill seekers, sometimes prostitutes. It is pot luck.

"No-pan kissa" is a kind of naughty cafe where the waitresses wear short skirts and no panties. The floor that they walk on is mirrored. The coffee costs a small fortune $10-12 dollars a cup.

"Kyabarei" is taken from our word cabaret, however it is often used in the area to mean sexual entertainment. Some clubs do not allow foreign guests or women, and the range of acts can range from mild to the extreme. Sex with the audience is not totally unknown.

"Sopurando" is based on getting an assisted bath with a naked lady. Naturally this can lead to full sex or be left at that. Quite expensive for the western wallet.

"Love Hotels" are obvious hour hotels and most have 4 star rooms with double baths. No questions are asked as to same sex couples or whether the person you are with is married to you.

Dr Suzy's Erotic Purim Fest

DrSuzyBlock.com writes: Dr. Susan Block will tell her erotic interpretation of the Purim Story of Esther, discussing the timeless questions and lessons about politics, prejudice and sexuality that this ancient piece of Judeo-Christian heritage imparts. Dr. Block will read excerpts from her short story Esther, published in The Erotic Edge, and encourage her guests and viewers to eat humentashen and drink (but please don’t drink and drive!), as befits what she calls the Yiddishe Mardi Gras.

The Purim Story tells the tale of Esther, a teenage Jewish beauty contest winner who changes the course of history.  According to the Megillah, the entire Jewish population “from India to Ethiopia” was condemned to death in an ancient act of  ethnic cleansing.  Esther used her skills in the art of erotic entertainment to seduce the King into revoking the genocidal edict and, instead, executing the diabolical Hamen who orchestrated the whole Hitleresque venture. It's a wild Biblical tale, and Dr. Block, her beloved butler/husband Max, her guests and callers are bound to render it even wilder. Special guests this Saturday night will include Serenity, Jewel De'Nyle and Keisha and, as always, callers from around the globe.

Chaim Amalek Returns

Chaim Amalek, a friend to Jew and Gentile, writes: Luke, glad to read that you are with kith and kin. Personally, I don't think you should be messing with the web site while on vacation. You should spend your time in pornless detox, interacting with people who do not contemplate the artistic merits of gangbangs.

Kudos to you and Lynne for daring to speak about one of the most common and least discussed (in media space)side-effects of sex, apart from pregnancy: venereal disease. Tens of millions of people contract VD every year, and yet the media, which uses sexual desire to pimp out the eyeballs of the sexually active to the corporate overlords who pay for the whole thing, never ever mention it as a possibility, except for the occasional aids story line (an unlikely threat to the white heterosexuals they want to sell crap to).

At the risk of sounding like a parody of spelling pendant JDC who likes to hang around l-keford.com (by the way, the word is "semiotician" - "i" before "o"), I would like to correct a few of the statements proffered by one of your readers, who likely did not give his real name to you.

"How do you think the subjugation of India and China came about ? Were speaking of more than half the worlds populations under the domination of a single inbred germanic family,This was only accomplished by violence of unimaginable magnitude."

In fact, Western dominance of China (never on the order of that achieved over India) came about through acts far less bloody than those of the Chinese themselves following the rise of Mao, whose insane policies (inspired in part by the atheist Karl Marx) led to the deaths of many many more Chinese people than anything the British did. Looking to the south, India was never even a unified country when the British came along, having been conquered many times over the millenia by outside forces. When the British came, they largely supplanted the Moguls (we are talking Mongol hordes here, not Hollywood jews) who had achieved their position of dominance through the force of arms (and believe me, the Mongols were a whole lot nastier than the Brits). The "conquest", which was quite gradual, came about not through any state policy of England, but as the result of the activities of the East India Company. Only late in the game did the state intervene. British control was not perfect, but it did bring about a number of good things to the subcontinent, including the transfer of western knowledge and an end to bride-burning (an especially loathsome hindu custom suppressed by the Christian British).

The jew Oppenheimer was many things, but bloodthirsty and arrogant in the use of atomic power he was not. You have taken his famous quote from the Gita out of context. Read "The Making of the Atomic Bomb" for a full discussion of Oppenheimer's frame of mind regarding atomic weapons. He was so pacifistic (for that time), that he got into very serious trouble with the authorities. For example, he opposed the development of thermonuclear weapons championed by the jew Edward Teller, and lost his security clearance.

Finally, Chaim Amalek is an upper west side jewish liberal who buys his bagels at H&H, eats at Zabars, and kvells at every word uttered by his personal hero, Hillary Rodham Clinton. While not perfect, he is far less bigoted in his public statements than many of the jews and christians he encounters are in theirs when speaking in private. Moreover, he favors free abortions for all who cannot pay for them (especially if they cannot pay for them), but is not certain that Magic Johnson and Brian Gumball are proper role models for any youth, black or white.

PS Great headline on my future senator in the new Globe tabloid - "Hillary's List of Gay Lovers - What her rivals are threatening to expose" If this is true, well then good for her. She deserves to be happy, and if she can find happiness in this life in the arms of jewish lawyer Susan Thomases or the jew Donna Shalela, I am happy for her. Nothing wrong with being a dyke except being in the closet about it.

PPS Note to "jew" Mark "Weissblot". Yes, it is true that my name bears a phonetic resemblance to the name of an ethnic group that the jewish torah insists MUST be genocidally exterminated, and you have noted that superficial resemblance. Why did you make mention of that similarity - did you intend it as a threat? Is that sort of ad hominem reasoning what passes for an argument in your media circles? If there is one thing that I have learned from the ADL's web site, it is that there must be no haven for such hate on the internet.

Luke's Grandiosity

Alan Watts writes: You responded to my last e-mail, in which I accused you of grandiosity by replying, "Well, I have had death threats!", as if to say, "I must be extremely important or people wouldn't be threatening to kill me!"

What you do not understand yet--it may become clearer with psychotherapy--is that YOU USE THESE THREATS TO BOLSTER YOUR OWN SENSE OF GRANDIOSITY. If you can get people to threaten you, you succeed in proving to yourself how important you must be!

Luke, my boy, there are prostitutes working on dark street corners each and every night for years on end in the most dangerous sections of town who encounter greater, more real dangers daily than you ever will sitting at your prissy home computer or walking around with that stupid little gun! (Millions of women carry guns, Luke, it doesn't even make you A MAN.)

And there are kids getting abused and beaten daily in the privacy of their homes who don't have websites like silly Luke F-rd to broadcast to the world what heroes they are for being assaulted! So you've been kicked in the ass a couple of times. Who hasn't? You're a sissy for carrying on so much about it. The kid who gets beat up at home every day is the big cry baby and scaredy cat Luke F-rd is.

What do you suppose a psychiatrist would say if you told him about your alleged death threats, Luke? That you are paranoid or otherwise insane? I submit that the psychiatric viewpoint would give a truer perspective than your illusions of self-inflated importance.

Son, I wish I could disillusion you of this absurd belief that you are somehow the target! You aren't nearly so important as you would have us believe. It is an entirely self-serving point of view and a premature attempt at celebrity, nothing more!

I also think it's funny that the only time you take someone seriously is when it self-servingly makes a possible headline for your site, or a possible deaththreat! I'm sure the pornographer who threatened you said it as a joke. If anyone wanted you dead, Luke, you would be long gone. Don't insult our intelligence. I don't believe a word of it. Try a new angle to bolster your pitiful self-image, Luke, maybe you should get an agent(if anybody will touch you), but stop deluding yourself that you are so damn central to the scheme of porn or anything else, when the reality is that your chances of celebrity are fading by the minute.

And be honest with yourself, Luke, YOU WOULD WEAR A TOMATO SUIT if that's what it took to become a celebrity. It just so happens that swimming around in porn was the more opportune vehicle to get the attention you so desperately craved, BUT YOU WOULD JUST AS GLADLY HAVE WORN A TOMATO SUIT IF THAT MEANT BECOMING A STAR, AM I CORRECT?

Luke: You are correct!

Utah Adds Porn Czar

EST (1513 GMT) SALT LAKE CITY (AP) -- Real Men Don't Use Pornography.

For months, the statement on a billboard greeted drivers as they arrived in Utah from Wyoming on Interstate 80, the massive letters printed across the portraits of several clean-cut men. The billboard is gone now, but Utah's governor was expected today to sign into law a bill created in its spirit, giving the state the country's first pornography czar. That person has little prosecutorial power, and no jurisdiction over the Internet or cable television. Instead, he or she will draft a new state definition of obscenity, help local governments "restrict, suppress or eliminate" pornography and provide information "about the dangers of obscenity."

Internet journalist and anti-porn crusader Luke F-rd, a religious Jew, is considered a frontrunner for this position.

Pornography has been debated intensely in Utah, where 70 percent of the population belongs to the Mormon church. Lawmakers already have passed bills banning Playboy from prisons and preventing minors from viewing pornographic Web sites at public libraries.

Lynne writes Mike Ross: Dear Mike: You reminded me of Anthony Comstock, the Victorian pornography czar (back when being a czar actually meant something) with your Utah story. Not to mention the threat of return to the days of independent state film boards! Throughout the history of pornography distribution, Utah has always been a unique case and now points out the difficulties in regulating new technology and definitions of "community standards." Even in places where pornography is widely available, good Mormons are expected to ignore it, and it is as possible, I am sure, to be a good Mormon outside of Utah as it is to be a good Jew outside of Israel

Coming Soon: I'm A Porn Star

From MTV.com: "True Life: I'm A Porn Star" premieres March 22th at 10:00 p.m. (check the Weekly Schedule for repeats).

True Life: I'm A Porn Star will explore the sometimes dark but always fascinating world of pornography in America. As we near the new millennium, porn is as varied and complicated a subject as the sexual act that defines it. It is a volatile a mix of conflicting impulses: sexual bravado and self-loathing; intimacy and isolation; and a desire to fit in and be part of the mainstream and a near compulsion to be extreme and push the boundaries of what is acceptable.

Although the adult entertainment industry encompasses everything from stripping to telephone sex, from print to sex toys, we will focus mainly on the adult video segment of the business. This is by far the largest sector of the industry. It accounts for approximately one-half of the $9 billion expected to be spent by consumers in the industry this year. We will touch on other areas, most notably the internet.

We'll also meet Brooke Ashley, a veteran actress. She started in the business when she was 18, and she has appeared in more than 200 films. In February of this year, she was diagnosed as HIV+. She contracted this disease while participating in a shoot for the "The World's Biggest Anal Gang Bang." On that set, she had unprotected sex with 32 men. Now banned from the industry, she is trying to pick up the pieces and begin a new career as a stripper. We'll meet a young first-time actress at the beginning of her career in the business. We will follow her as she interviews with Jim South of World Wide Modeling, the leading agent in the business, and go with her to her first shoot where we will find out how she feels about having sex on camera for the first time.

"True Life: I'm A Porn Star" will also include interviews with and verite footage of many other people inside the industry. We will visit at least three sets and speak to actresses and actors, producers, agents, health workers, lawyers, academics and consumers, all of whom will have something to say about porn. "True Life: I'm A Porn Star" is also interested in money. How big is the industry? Who is making money, and how much? We'll find out how much each person involved in the making of "Eros" earns and examine what that segment of the industry (e.g., actresses, distributors) earns annually as a whole.

Luke And His Family

I start meeting with the psychiatrists and neurosurgeons tomorrow, Monday, at the request of my family. To try to find out what is wrong with me. Then we'll move on to the deprogramming sessions with Lord Peter Luther Christian.

Luther writes: Dear Mr. Ford: So, I see that somehow you managed to slip past our greeting party. Now that is a shame, as many a wallaby ended his day in the stomach of a believer in the Lord's bounty these past few days. They really are delicious!

Tomorrow we are off on a pademellon hunt. I am sure that they will prove to be just as hearty. I know that the time you spend with your family is precious, so do not waste it by engaging in electronic fornication as you do in the States. You are back home now, among your own kind. There is no need to curry favor with others or to pretend that you are one of them here.

As I noted before, your sister is a very fine woman. She has a great deal to say to you - it is motivated by filial concern and Christian Love. Please Luke, pay heed to what she has to say.

Yours in Christ,

Lord Peter Luther Christian, OBE

Nick writes: luke, this curious in modesto person asks some of the most loaded questions of your family that i feel it would be impossible to get a valid answer. ditch that and come up with something better. for example, have members of your family compose 17 syllable haiku ( 5-7-5 ) about you or their over all feelings about you. if they feel that the haiku form is a difficult one to express the dimensions of their feelings for you let them do some slamdance style poems, or give prizes for iambic pentameter or the like. i will compose one now showing how easy they are.

he writes words of porn
he looks like john travolta
who is this Luke F-rd?

see? some easy. you may get them to write a limerick seeing how it is st patricks day where i am. in any case, i think you are top notch. your page is updated frequently and i like the photos of you living the life that i want.