Friday, February 4, 2000

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Positively Yours

Leisure Time begins principle photography in three weeks on its all-HIV video "Positively Yours" starring Tony Montana and other porners who've caught the deadly infection.

The script is finished and the budget approved. A few years ago, L.T. brought us two John Wayne Bobbitt movies. The company and its owner Mark Carriere are known for their strong social conscience.

L.T. plans three versions - one for cable, one for hardcore and one for the A.M.A. (American Medical Association).

"It's showing AIDS in a positive light," says a source. "Just because you're HIV positive, doesn't mean a death certificate. People are living for years with HIV."

L.T. general manager Michael Kovacs has chosen Greg and Tina Cherry to direct the movie.

"You're able to have a healthy sex life so long as you do all the precautions with condoms... Sharon Mitchell from AIM is involved. A couple of doctors will do an educational thing for the AMA."

The Jenny Jones Show wants to get the entire cast on a show. The Howard Stern Show is also interested.

Luke Made Up Story About Bo Snorting Coke

Earlier this week, Luke put into the mouth of Rob Spallone these words about Bo aka John Kenney of LGIDistributors.com: "Bo replied, 'Oh my secretary messed up. They didn't get you the room. I'll have it for you tomorrow.' Bo was out partying all night. There was cocaine all over the place. Kendra Jade told him 'If you don't have a room, I'm leaving.' The next morning she went to sign, Bo never showed up at the show. Kendra Jade went home. She wants nothing to do with him. She was willing to finish this movie for him but he told her that if she wants to get paid, you gotta suck my dick."

Luke: "Rob did not say those words. I just made them up. I sincerely apologize to Bo and Rob for smearing their reputation. I think I was under the influence of both cocaine and blowjobs at the time and it rattled my sense of journalistic ethics. I also made up the allegation that AVN publisher Paul Fishbein was a financial partner with VCA's Babenet and Spallone in Rob's shooting house. I apologize to Paul for impugning the integrity of the Old Grey Lady aka AVN. If the gentle reader will only scroll down to the bottom of the page he will see that I am very sick and am not responsible for my words.

"I hear that Bo from LGI is thinking of suing me. Bo, please don't sue me. I have no money. And my sponsor is headquartered in the British Virgin Islands. You can't get any money out of them either.

"And Kevin Beech, please don't send your hitmen after me."

I hear that Kevin Beechum has brokered a deal with Spallone, Kenney and Kendra. Rob is friends with Kevin and willing to let the dispute go away. Beech will distribute the movie in question, "Kendra Jade - The Whore."

XXX: "I was over at Rob's and he was talking about you on the phone. He kept calling you a "little retard." He used that phrase a few times... That they can't do anything to you, that you just do anything you want. If you have nothing to say, you just make s--- up. And everybody's tried to do something about you and nobody can. And everybody from Russ Hampshire on down, the first thing they do in the morning is pull up l-keford.com and you get 15,000 hits a day, most of which are porno people checking six times a day on you. I was just rolling in laughter...

"This was to do with you and Rob and you being in trouble... And Bo and Kevin [Beechum]... He's describing you as the lowest thing on the planet. He uses you to promote stuff... He said you used to go over to his house and swim naked in the pool with the girls... I said that I wished he'd do that more often."

Metro Wraps San Fernando Jones

Metro Home Video has wrapped principle photography on "San Fernando Jones and the Temple of Poon." Directed by Michael Adams, it is written by Greg and Tina Cherry (who also play a couple of Southern redneck morons). Tabitha Stevens, Kianna Bradley and Ron Jeremy star.

EBay.com and Porno

Luke spoke with a reporter from the LA Weekly about EBay.com and the porn industry.

An online auction house, EBay.com dramatically reduces transaction costs. It is a far more efficient way to satisfy your porn fetishes than mailorder.

Reporter: I find it interesting how many porn stars are selling their underwear, etc... Page after page is women selling their used underwear. They'll pose as 18-year old students. I've never done this before and I am only doing it to pay for my education. They just play into the fantasy. And then you link on to their personal site and they seem to be selling hundreds of pairs of underwear. It looks like a professional business.

Velo: I wanted to move WEST (to say the valley or LA) & wanted to somehow get into your biz on the sales side working as a rep for say a distributor of movies .. how would I do that?

Luke: You'd move out here and check the help wanted ads, lots of adult places want help selling movies. Check out the laweekly.com and newtimesla.com for their help wanted. Lots of telephone salesmen needed to shift porno.

I hear that Lenny Friedlander is about to become a father.

Why Can't Frank Koretsky Pay His Bills On Time?

Porner: "I'd like to know why, if Koretsky [of Pleasure Productions] can afford a contract girl (Tyler) he cant pay his f---ing bills on time? He runs over 60 days with us."

Moffitt Timlake CEO, Xplor Media Group and Homegrown Video, writes: Greetings Luke, Just wanted to respond to the negative post regarding Frank Koretsky and, I am assuming, IVD the wholesale distributor. If indeed the comments are directed at IVD, which as I understand is a completely separate entity from Pleasure Productions, then the ascerbic missive is misguided. Xplor Media and Homegrown Video have never had any problems with IVD's payments, nor have I heard of any of my porn colleagues having problems. Perhaps the anonymous "porner" simply puts out garbage product and it isn't worth paying for. Besides, in today's cutthroat marketplace 60 days is more the status quo for getting paid. If you can't deal with it then at least have the sack to reveal your identity, or better yet take it to the source. Frank doesn't need my support or testimony, I just think if you are going to bash people in this public forum you bash the people that deserve it. And there are plenty.

Mad Jack writes: Senneca's site is up and smokin'....www.senneca.com is the place to check out all of the wild s--- that this Canadian Cree get's herself into (or all of the LARGE things that get into her). We've assembled a variety of awesome pics and mpegs of Senneca's Canadian girlfriends doing things that they could only get away with on the reservation.

Netpond Chronicles

The Netpond message board hosted much drama today as several leading members of the Netpond community, an organization to help adult webmasters, resigned. Numerous webmasters are annoyed that the Netpond board allows anonymous posts. When people feel anonymous, they tend to act in a less civil way.

Netpond took off last year in response to YNOTnetwork.com's (the leading source for adult webmasters) clamping down on "pissing matches," where various porn webmasters like Serge Birbair would take off after each other.

Many porn webmasters read YNOTnetwork.com and Netpond daily to stay abreast of their industry.

"The Netpond empire is crumbling all around me," says XXX, a porn webmaster. "Everybody is jumping ship. They're trying to blame Andy Edmond [owner of Sextracker.com] for setting them up for failure. People are scared of Andy. They think he's cocky... Any time a hotshot young guy comes into this business and knows what he's talking about, it's intimidating... He was low key for a long time."

Rich Botto, probably the largest porn webmaster, writes: "All this should surprise no one. Robin, many of us called for an end to this months ago...Funny that some of the people who said "just ignore the annons" now have publicly stated that they are leaving because of them. Advertisers have been pissed for months, many good people haven't stopped by in ages, many more continue to leave and now even the staff is dropping off one by one. This is what happens when ego gets in the way of good business sense."

Kevin Blatt of YNOTnetwork.com writes: "The ANON posts have been going on alot longer than the YNOT buyout. The bulls--- even longer than that:) Netpond doesnt need YNOT to destroy itself. Meat, I am glad that you so eloquently stated this. There has been a lot of speculation that Andy has devised a coup to overthrow Netpond. The simple fact is what you said, Anon posters have been here for quite some time. There has never been any ill will directed toward any of our competetion, mainly for the reason that we are not competitors- we are all in the same business of helping webmasters prosper by giving them the education, promotion, and the availability of being within arms reach of the major players in the industry . I have said this before and I will say it again, when companies worry about their advertisers, surfers, and the general well-being of our industry, they do not need to worry about competition. Meat man, I had the priviledge of meeting you and hanging with you at the second Players Ball in Miami, you are a gentleman and a scholar. I wish you much success in your upcoming endeavors."

Also on Netpond today, Joe Elkin of CENcash, one of the largest porn webmaster referral programs, announced that his backbone provider UUNet had cut him off from his host.

"People were receiving so many spams promoting CEN, that UUNet unhooked them. JoeE spends over a couple of million dollars a year on UUNet.

"JoeE probably told someone at UUNet to f--- off and they probably responded by cutting off his sites," says a source.

King Stud writes: "As Much as I think JoeE is a fraud and a ass hole, I have to stand behind him in his fight with uunet. This company that contols a large portion of our back bone has a zero tolarance for spam. Even if you are mailing your past and present members a newa letter and they get 1 complaint they will shut you down. Good luck on your fight JoeE."

JoeE posts on Netpond: "By early evening CEN WILL BE UP AND RUNNING! The only way to explain quickly is - I am GRABBING MY s--- and moving it 2 miles to NATIONAL NET and their redundant backbone. CEN,Netvisionaudiotext and Techlabs will have their day in court LATER..."

April from CEN: "Dear Webmasters, We have been blocked by Uunet for a high volume of spam due to one of our trafficcash webmaster. Which has caused to shut down all of our domains. We are flying our top programmers to fix this problem ASAP. We are working on moving all of our programs to a faster, more reliable server with higher security to better serve you. This will take approximately 24 hours to do."

Leagle Eagle from UUnet writes: "The truth is that we gave CEN several warning [about spam] all that were ignored. We had to do what we had to do to prevent 12 year old kicks from receiving porn spam in their e-mail 5 times a day."

Unixguru: You sure UUnet did not shut you down for "way to much SPAM!" I mean everyone has to know about CEN SPAMMING ICQ and AOL....

Fabian of CEN writes: They called us from UUNET .. they want to unblock us if we host EXCLUSIVELY with UUNET.

Netpond owner Nick writes that people left his employ for these reasons: "1.)They have been made better offers by others 2.)They think I'm taking wrong decisions and not treating them fairly and am generally a s---.

"Meatman was not paid for 12 mths.Thats Correct.We agreed it was more important to pay others plus for many months he was on a leave of absence to build up his own sites. I to do not take a salary, nor does Technick nor does Red Lion.This will, however, change."

Anonymous writes: "Dum dum dum another one bites the dust! Nick baby you happy yet? Read one of Meat's parting posts and you will see part of what's going on here lately. Meat said tongue not so in cheek he hopes Netpond becomes profitable soon LOL Condom and the guys who started it were great they had this noble idea to create a place where webmasters would reach out and inspire each other helping create their own little empires. Netpond continues with some of those same ideals but there seems to be one little empire growing just a tad quicker than everybody elses!!! Netpond is Nick's monster check out the newbie board it's now a billboard. People gave to Condom/Netpond their time talent and efforts and didn't expect too much back because that wasn't the be all and end all. But when Nick made money the number 1 thing at Netpond of course people got their noses out of joint when Nick didn't share it equitably. Take Dravyk for example, if he had spent the same time and effort doing his own thing instead of the Chronicles he would be a far richer man today. This is one thing Nick has to learn, people especially people who are sacrificing something, do NOT like to be taken advantage of. Good people are leaving Netpond because the Pond is full of scum and it starts at the top. Don't even tell me i'm wrong becos I am not. These here walls talk."

Skitz: "I know people who think that their careers are made and broken on chat boards... if that's the case, then there's a problem with one's career!"

Bubba writes: While at times this board is more like a really sick TV sitcom, many of those that post here (although I should probably use the paste tense "posted") are responsible to some degree for my success. Thank you! And I also thank the anon posters for reminding me what malice and contempt in its rawest form looks like... you poor bitter bastards...

Gary writes: "Well, this is very weird, so much happening all in a matter of a couple weeks. Maybe sextracker is buying everybody up."

Gary alludes to Andrew Edmond, owner of Sextracker.com which recently bought YNOT. Many suspect him of sowing confusion and dissension amonst his rivals such as Netpond. A source close to Andy denies this. Edmond has gone on a buying spree the past few weeks, buying out numerous adult webmasters.

Mutt, an anonymous poster on Netpond, writes: "Seriously this upheaval at Netpond can't be because of the policy of this board to allow anon posters. Anybody who's been on the Net longer than 24 hours knows that there will be flaming in any newsgroup or chatboard. As Nick has said on many occassions there is a members board that is piss free. Why can't there be a completely uncensored public board in this industry? People make up their minds about people based on personal and business history, do you really think anybody can have their reputation ruined by a flame? Maybe I'm wrong but there is no way in hell all these people left Netpond over somebody calling KimmyKim an anorexic whatever."

Some webmasters think the nasty anonymous poster on Netpond is Serge Birbair. Elliot Ness: "SERGE is going to publish the names of the Anon posters??? I dont believe how ignorant people are. Have a look at some of the nastiest posts on the board over the last few days. They make the same grammatical errors, spelling errors and use the same language as Serge! (I will demonstrate in my next post if necessary) I thought it was sort of obvious that Serge was the chief nasty poster. When English is not your first language, posting anonymously is a very big mistake. Serge is obviously making this threat to make people think he is not one of them. How stupid does he think we all are?"

Serge writes: Meat, I hope you see what I see, anons, etc didn't come by accident, they all came in stride after Vegas, after Andy bought YNOT, this is well orchestrated effort to destroy Netpond for whatever reason.

Netpond has very strong survivability. Look at the history: no money to pay for bandwidth, headquarters destroyed by hurricane, Dragon King departs, Condom in a HUGE shadow of 'ole YNOT, those were SOME obstacles to overcome and.... Netpond survived all the calamities and stronger than ever! I think you selling yourself short, as every good executive, and you were Netpond executive, you leave well oiled machine behind you which will carry your legacy long after you are gone,' you trained your people well! Look, I left Serge's Cash and....it stil there, woiks like 8 cylinders caddy, not Porche, not Corvette, but still woiks like any good oil well should and we, the legends in our own minds, know well that the machines we built are designed to survive us ;-)))) Dk built a good one, you built a good one, Netpond is a great idea and great ideas survive the men.

Ian writes: I've been reading the board today with some amusement. Here's my ripples on the pond:
1. When everyone ran over to Netpond crying; "the sky is falling" due to censorship at Ynot, real or imagined, Nick said "Fine, we'll have an uncensored board where almost anything goes".
2. Since then the people who ran over here flapping their wings and clucking the loudest... don't post here anymore.
3. The sheep who followed them, and the money, real or imagined...don't post here anymore either.
4. Nick said then that this will become a business. It has. Before it was a pastime and nobody did much of anything.
5. Anonymous posters have become a point lately. Why? It's easy to pick out the real from the "drug real". Ignore them.
6. Today the people who decided to leave this "Business" did so for their own reasons and good luck to them. Most of us don't know who they were anyway.
7. Also today RB said that advertisers were unhappy with this place. If this is true then this will be the only thing that will change the status quo. Money talks and bulls--- walks.
8. This morning Serge said that after Vegas is when most of the character bashing and crap started. He also intimated that this is a planned operation. I agree!
9. He also intimated that it took place at the same time that Sex Tracker announced the buyout of Ynot and we were left with the inference that Nero may be behind it.
10. No way! By now Nero (Andy) has so much money and so much weight to throw around at his very young age that something as stupid and obvious as this would be something he would laugh at like a Three Stooges movie. As I said this morning; In the adult world this whole pond takes up about 20% of the market.

MadJackVideo.com

Mad Jack writes: Luke:please put a hyperlink to my site..thanks Speaking of Bo at LGI, I doubt that I'm going to have to bloqw him to get paid. My web site is finally up and running....www.madjackvideo.com....and it's f---IN' HOT!!! All of the pics I've sent you in the past are just teasers Luke. I saved the best for myself(but you knew that didn't you). I've got behind-the-scenes pics and mpegs for days. Bo has been great and has sent me $$ already. I'm not saying Kendra or Rob are wrong, but I think there's more to the story than we've been told. Actually, I know there is as we (Bo and the K-Beech crew) were all having dinner when Kendra came into town for CES. Since it's not my battle I'll leave it alone but I will say the Bo is aa good pay and to me, his word is good.....On to better things...Senneca and Tia quit featuring at Crazy Horse Too last night as some asshole manager by the name of Vinny decided to get stupid...These two hotties were pulling in big $$$ for the club but Vinny wanted more, if you know what i mean :) f--- that. You can see them both at spearmint Rhino as of tonight where they're kinckin ass and taking names. If you're in Vegas, that's the place to be.

6PM: Senneca and Tia were called in at the last minute to replace a no show feature at the Century Cinema on Larkin St. in San Francisco. I put them on the plane about an hour ago and they'll be featuring 4 shows a night thru next Wednesday. Since I introduced the two of them a few months back, they've put together a SSSMMMOOOKKKIIINNN''' XXX act that should leave the City by the Bay looking like it did in late 1906. Anyone in the Bay Area is suggested to check this one out before they get banned!

Geronimo: WHY DONT THIS MAD JACK PAY HIS AGENT FEES?

Johnny Castano says: "You better tell your friend Jack there, that crazy asshole, he better not go near the f---ing Crazy Horse 2 again. When you start badmouthing Vinny, you're really looking for f---ing problems boy. And that whole gang will give him a lot of problems. He's got a big f---ing mouth. And those two girls he has are f---ing dogs. And he don't pay his f---ing bills either."

Luke: I hear that the Spallone vs Kenney fight threatens to turn into a war. Kenney's side has reportedly made threats of physical violence against Spallone. Furious negotiations are going on behind the scenes to settle the matter. A couple of months ago, Bo feuded with Bridgett Kerkove.

Bo from LGI says: "I can't comment on this [dispute] except to say that the things you're printing are not true, and we're taking appropriate legal action."

Bo has many powerful friends in the industry including David Sturman and Kevin Beech.

My internet reports on this fight make settling it more difficult. AVN, on the other hand, generally seeks to conciliate warring porners.

Luke's sponsor Craig Vasiloff has offered LGI money to settle the dispute.

Luke: " Craig, if Bo offered to settle the dispute if you would suck his dick, would you do it for the good of all concerned?"

Craig: "Nope - but I figure - whether or not ANYONE breached - why deal with it - I offered to pay him [Bo] out and pick it up. I have talked with Bo on the telephone - he seems like a reasonable guy. I have no problem with him. The situation is one that is creating a lot of bulls--- and I offered to pick up Kendra's deal.

"And Luke, I am not your homosexual lover! I've promised myself to Meni!"

Meni is a Greek-American porn webmaster and talent scout who hangs out at PST and harasses Sin City contract girl Zoe.

Kendra Jade met with John Kenney of LGI Wednesday and thought she had everything worked out regarding her leaving her contract with LGI. But as of Thursday afternoon, matters were still under dispute.

Jade is sick. She's scheduled to dance at Spearmint Rhino in Las Vegas Friday night.

"It happens every time I am about to go out on the road," says Jade. "I get sick... I don't mind the dancing but I hate being alone on the road..."

I talked to Rob Spallone at 4:40 PM Thursday.

Rob: "Kevin's [Beechum] trying to handle it. I'm not happy because of the phone call I got last night from Bo after it was all settled. So I'm waiting to hear what Kevin wants me to do."

Luke: "You got a threatening phone call from Bo."

Rob: "Tough guy calls me up after the whole thing was settled and told me it's not over, he's taking his gloves off. So now he has a problem with me... If Bo wants to play the tough guy, I'll be a tough guy. If he wants to be a nice guy, I'll be a nice guy."

Misc

Luke's sister writes him from Brisbane, Australia: "This morning i went to the bookshop to see your book - it was displayed in the front window in the top row of books - its $44.95 so i wont buy it but it was interesting to see it!"

Brandy Alexandre: For those who scoffed at the idea a porn star could give a good stock tip, the market value of the mutual fund recommendation I gave Chaim, Fidelity Select Technology (FSPTX), increased by 4.26% today. It has made tiny climbs over the last couple of days after that slight drop in the NASDAQ, but has now attained an all-time high. I do not claim to know what the heck I'm talking about, but many people select investment based on even stranger criteria. ;) Small print: This commentary is provided for entertainment only. As with any investment, past performance is not an indicator of future results.

Meni writes: Dude, got any pics of Tyler from Pleasure she worked for me for a couple of years What a doll. I dispute I'm gay. And I dispute harassing Zoe.

Ogman writes: hiya lukededos! i have been trying to connect to the PST pornstar trading chat that you have linked with your nifty new banner there ( nice new design, btw ), but it will not connect because of security errors and the links at the bottom of the page to fix this are dead. i have tried off and on all day, to no avail. also, you need an e-mail address on that page so we can better direct our posts for stuff like this... . .... okie, thanks. tell someone to fix it so i can chat with pornfolks! later.

Luke: Go to pornstartrading.com and read the instructions.

Peter Hayes writes: Dear Luke, Been enjoying reading your site and that of Gene Ross - especially with regards to controversial legal and social issues. Topics which I have a professional, as well as personal, interest in. I write about the European mainstream broadcast industry on a freelance basis.

I believe that the greatest word in the English language is "ambiguous" and I'm very ambiguous as regards the sex industry - and from what you write you seem to share my view.

Many people have tried to explain and summate this industry and I don't think it can be done. Certainly not fairly. Put simply, you have to pitch your tent somewhere. Too much is written by vested interests and detractors - there is little fair and balanced reporting. While enjoying a lot of your work (the stuff I have so far read anyway), the fact that you get yourself in to legal hot water (with a porno actress!) suggests that the business is seducing you in to standards as sloppy as some of the film making.

Everyone needs a moral line and if you want to be fair to your subject you have to tell people the truth, even when if it is not what the main audience wants to hear. When Denmark legalised pornography (twenty years ago) the local feminist movement was largely pro - not that they liked the medium, but in that it heralded the end of censorship and state control of image. Today it finds few supporters in the movement - even in the ultra liberal countries of the world.

To counterbalance that, the Internet has allowed the women that want to view pornography (of whatever strength) to do so. Very few women would ever go in to a sex shop to buy a magazine or video, but the Internet is a different thing altogether. UK TV presenter/model Jo Guest told her late night TV audience that her favourite sites involved "well endowed men."

Very interested in your Linda Lovelace profile: She has been peddling books (and herself through TV and lectures) that tell a very negative view of her time in the industry. I think this is interesting in that the industry sells a lot of myths about sex, relationships and women in general, so why cannot Linda play the same game? No I don't believe that she was forced in to the industry, but she certainly had a hard time and was in an abusive relationship...

Your section on "child pornography" needs a clearer moral and social line. Children need to be protected and there is a greater need for self control - if you have money in your pocket you can fly to places where sex with a 13 year old girl is legal, so "the law" is not always "your guide." Curiously I know a little about the sex scene in Japan (of which you write) and have seen sex magazines featuring "underage" (our terminology) western girls on market stalls. I once spoke to a lady involved in the Tokyo sex industry and she claimed this was due to a lack of moral pressures and the traditional Japanese lack of respect for the women.

However I don't buy your line on "the industry would sell child pornography if it could". I don't believe so. I think a few individuals would service the market (for money obviously), but most of the industry has shunned this sort of material and many have strong negative views on the subject. Europeans that have done so in the past (your text makes references to them by name) would not dare to enter the USA for fear of arrest. The text of the Book "The Pornbrokers" (published by Star in London circa 1980) claims that the FBI have a documents on these people.

By the way, has anyone told you that you look like the Irish actor Stephen Rea?

Luke's sister Elenne, an Australian lawyer, writes: hi luke i spoke to the neurologist about you - i use him as an expert witness in court cases sometimes - he's very good - have known him for about 7 years - very honourable man. he says that if you came over, provided i give him several months notice, he will put time aside in his busy schedule to see you on a number of occasions and to refer you to other professionals - such as a neuropsychologist and psychiatrist (the lady you saw when here in the late '80's) etc. and for a special kind of MRI and EEG. (it doesnt hurt!)

i was speaking to dad about it and he said he'd pay your return airfare if you are prepared to undergo these examinations. i would have to check on the medical costs etc and whether we could get insurance

luke i want you to know that i care about you very much and would like you to trust my judgment on this. you lack insight into your condition, you are not aware of how different you are since the accident and cfs. you could get yourself into a lot of trouble - it worries your whole family. ask yourself these questions:-

1. when was the last time i remembered the birthday of a family member

2. when i call or write to a member of the family do i ever ask about how they are or enquire as to what they are doing or am i intent on satisfying my own needs

3. when is the last time i showed a member of my family that i care about them

4. do i care about anyone

5. do i ever feel sympathy or empathy for anyone

6. when was the last time i gave of myself, my time, my money, my concern (with no ulterior motive) - or am i just a taker

7. when was the last time i gave someone a gift (with no ulterior motive)

8. why am i so obsessed with me

9. why do i always crave to be the centre of attention

Luke none of this is your fault so dont feel bad about it - i just want you to see why it is necessary that you cooperate with us in finding out what is wrong. you have got nothing to lose by coming over and having these examinations - you could meet your sweet baby nieces for the first time and see paul and me, peter, belinda and sally. please think about it

much love elenne

ps - if you come over - do you have any copies of your book you could bring and give to paul and me or do you have to buy any copies you want? maybe you get a discount?? love ln

Luke: "Incidentally, over the past eight months, I've placed myself in the hands of a homeopathic doctor who says that my syndrome is symbolized by the viper, snake... And that anyone trained in homeopathy, once they know about my viper connection, can understand most of what drives me. One symptom of my sickness is that I really yearn for sexual congress with attractive women."

Fred Flintstone, a secular Jewish lawyer, writes: L-- Regarding the 9 questions in your sister's letter, my mother hits me up with the same questions all the time. The only difference is a) my mother never tells me it's not my fault (in fact, she insists everything is my fault) and b) I don't think her proposed "cure" involves a neurologist.

Does your sister think the neurologist will solve your problem of not remembering the birthday of a family member? If so, it sounds like they have incredibly talented neurologists in Australia.

Sounds to me like either a) you're normal, or b) we both have the same trouble.

I think the correct cure for the problem is to put some Vivaldi concertos on the stereo, turn up the volume, open a good bottle of port, and have a glass or two. It's a lot cheaper than a neurologist. I always do that when I find myself remembering the birthday of a family member.

Luke to Fred: I started giggling as soon as I saw I had email from you...Knowing that it would be wise and funny...and it was. An absolute delight! Thanks for the support old chap... I've just been listening to Vivaldi's Four Seasons... The internet is wonderful, kindred souls can meet across hundreds of miles.

Fred: Vivaldi's Four Seasons is a masterpiece. Good choice. He's my favorite composer. I'm also quite partial to Bach and his Brandenburg Concertos. You will no doubt appreciate that both Bach and Vivaldi were very religious. Bach was a Protestant, and wrote a lot of music for his church. Vivaldi was a Catholic monk. God, nature and patrons ($) were the major influences on music in that age. (The Four Seasons is an ode to the beauty of nature.) I suppose if I were writing your column, I'd point out that there are very few musical masterpieces dedicated to secular humanism. (I'm working on one, but I can't get the kazoo solo just right.)

Brandy: I knew I liked Fred for some reason. Brandenburg Concerto No.3 for me. I really like the second movement; I always thought it would be good for a sex scene. Tell Fred to pick up Prokofiev's Romeo and Juliet and take a listen to March of the Knights (I think that's what it's called. I forget.)

Brandy Alexandre writes: your sister's idea of what constitutes evidence of neurological disease is really bizarre. I don't know what kind of relationship you had with your family prior to your "condition," but I lack in all the areas she pointed out as well.

1. when was the last time i remembered the birthday of a family member

BA: Remembered as in the date, or remembered as in actually doing something about it? When I remember, which is usually only a couple of days before, I send a card begrudgingly--out of some sense of guilt or duty. I like sending to my dad and my big sister, but that forces me to send to my mom and my other sister. As bitchy as I am, I have an overwhelming sense of fairness. ;) I do sign dad's "Love" and just my name on mom's.

2. when i call or write to a member of the family do i ever ask about how they are or enquire as to what they are doing or am i intent on satisfying my own needs?

BA: That pervades my entire family. The only reason we call a family member is because of a person desire to tell them something. After that's done, if they want to talk they can call me back and put it on their phone bill. Whenever you talk to my mother, as soon as the conversation veers into something she's not personally deeply interested in, she suddenly "has to go."

3. when is the last time i showed a member of my family that i care about them

BA: Hard to do when you aren't really sure you do. I care about their goodwill, but I will never take one of my family members in if hard times should befall them. 4. do i care about anyone. I love Luke F-rd! There, I said it. ;)

5. do i ever feel sympathy or empathy for anyone.

BA: Yes. Do I ever do anything about it? No. Actually, it depends on the circumstances.

6. when was the last time i gave of myself, my time, my money, my concern (with no ulterior motive) - or am i just a taker.

BA: I know you do. In fact, you're probably better in this area than I am. I occasionally give money to kids at the corner market or McDonald's when I see them trying to work out how they all can get what they want. I know so many kids will just steal it, so seeing them plan and sacrifice deserves rewarding. I've thought lots of times about asking you to lunch, on me, but I don't do it because I don't know why I want to. As soon as I figure that out I may (or not). Would I be genuinely giving of me, or trying to impress you? Hmm.

7. when was the last time i gave someone a gift (with no ulterior motive)

BA: Same question as 7.

8. why am i so obsessed with me.

BA: Because you love you. Because I love me. Because we are all we have and can really count on. Others are at an emotional or literal distance.

9. why do i always crave to be the centre of attention

BA: Because it's a fun place to be. :) I was the youngest and so growing up always was. It's a habit my family gave to me. if they don't like it now, that's just tough cookies.

Luke: I made an agreement with Brandy that in exchange for her allowing me to publish the above, I would not post any negative comments about her that base themselves on her note.

"Forget the psychiatrist, see Jesus," writes Lord Peter Luther Christian: "Dear Mr. Ford: I wept when I read your sister's letter to my church prayer group, as did many in attendance. No Luke, narcissism is NOT the normal state of affairs for anyone, especially a Christian. Maybe it is different in Hollywood and among American lawyers (not a very Christian bunch), but trust your heart, not so elsewhere. How can one obsess on his own travails when in the back of his mind is the knowledge that Jesus DIED for the sins of others? And with all due respect to your lawyer-sister, how can she urge you to place your mind in the hands of modern psychiatry when it is the very same Pharisees who urged the Romans to murder our Lord whose descendants control modern psychiatry?

"Luke, the solution to the problems noted by your loving sister, the mother of your adorable baby nieces, is not to be found on a gurney in an MRI machine, or on the tip of a psychiatrist's tongue. (Did you realize that until just a few years ago, such "experts" told the mothers of schizophrenic and autistic people that they were to blame for their children's illness? How sad. And how typically destructive of the Christian family unit for them to say such things!) Yes, there is a place for modern medicine, but what you appear to need is a doctor for the soul. And I know the best one of them all - Jewish, in fact - except that he does not require insurance copayments or charge any fees for his services. His name is Dr. Jesus Christ, doctor of the soul. But he is not in the telephone book; he is in your heart. Find him Luke, before it is too late."