Sunday, January 9, 2000
Friday Afternoon CES Update
The second day of CES was uneventful. When I walked out at 3PM, about 500 people were in line to enter the adult section.
I left my hotel (Bellagio) at 9:30 AM and walked the mile to the Sands. I pass many Mexicans on the sidewalk passing out prostitution brochures. Scoop Luke has discovered that in Vegas, there's not only gambling going on, but hooking! I'm shocked.
I chat with natural breasted brunette Kaylinn at the Zane booth. She's 5'9", over 6' in heels. In the business six months, she says her porn career has really taken off the last four months since she became her own talent agent.
I spot Linda Diego aka Violet Love snuggling with Kevin Beecham, owner of Midnight Video, etc... They say they are not engaged as I reported a few days ago.
I meet Decadent D's contract girl Pamela who they say resembles Pamela Lee Anderson. She's tall, blonde and long legged.
"A friend introduced me to Decadent D about a month ago and I decided to do a scene for them. I think the industry is great, fun..."
Avalon distributor Gigi Appleton laughs at me: "She ain't going to say anymore Luke."
Dave Cummings introduces me to the oustpoken Jeannie Pepper, one tough black chick. She says she does a hardcore movie every year as well as mainstream work. She's tall, fiery and intimidating.
David Sturman, owner of GVA West, complains that he can't find people to shoot the hot sex with beautiful girls that he wants to sell. He gives his shooters anywhere from $12-$60,000 a movie and the results are unpredictable. Many porn shooters like Mitch Spinelli and Cash Markman have reputation for worrying more about the plot than the slot. Making a movie with a story allows the movie maker to feel more pride. Just churning out hardcore fills few shooters with pride. But the ones that can get the biggest sales, such as Rocco Siffredi, Tom Byron, Randy West, John Leslie...
I chat with busty redhead Sana Fey who says she arrived Thursday but doesn't remember much because she had too much to drink.
I say hi to my friend Lysa at Astral Ocean and kiss her on the cheek. At the same time, fellow porn scribe Marc Star walks up.
"Come on boys, don't fight," says Lysa. Marc pats me on the shouler and I move on. The last time I saw Marc, who's just getting over the flu, was at the AVN Expo in July when he punched me in the stomach.
Lauren Montgomery has had more painful plastic surgery, this time moving her lips closer to her nose. We talk about marriage and children, something we both seek.
Ton Montana walks around with his girlfriend Laurie Holmes and their mutual friend Christy Lake. They walk past me. Then I hear Christy say, "There he is." Next thing I know Tony is serving me with Laurie's suit for defamation of character.
Cherry Mirage won't allow me to snap pictures of her smoking. "I don't have many limits," she laughed, "but those that I do, I have to hold on to."
America in the year 2000 is an interesting place where many people would rather be photographed sucking cock than smoking cigarettes.
I thoroughly endorse Cherry setting limits. It doesn't matter if they are arbitrary, and almost all limits will have that arbitrary element. We all need to set limits or we will descend to animal like behavior. My Sabbath is one limit (following the Fourth of the Ten Commandments). From Friday afternoon sundown to sundown Saturday evening, I usually don't turn on my computer, TV, etc...
I spent my Sabbath in my hotel room, sleeping, resting, luxuriating in warm baths, (doing some naughty things that I am ashamed to write about) and reading a book on the Jewish financiers, the Reichmans.
Though I've had plenty of rest, I am absolutely exhausted. Like I was last year when I came down with the nastiest flu. Many porners leave Vegas with some nasty bug.
Sindeeplenum@netscape.net writes: Luke, Arkedy and I are here at the show! We have a booth set up pushing our Krush and Microlivestock lines of videos! Where are you? I am pretty sure I saw you and called out your name, but you kept on walking. Stop by - Arkedy wants to discuss your "jew problem" with you in person.
Sin City Jew Bashing
I've received complaints that there's been a deplorable lack of Sin City Jew bashing on my site. So let's remedy things...
While setting up the Sin City booth at CES Wednesday afternoon, Sin City's unofficial general manager Ari became exhausted and disoriented and had to be taken away to hospital in a stretcher. Ari suffered from extremely high blood pressue. His first (?) granddaughter was born Thursday morning.
Sin City owner David Sturman arrives in Vegas around noon Friday, riding a donkey as prophesied by Zechariah, to bring messianic peace to his fractious company.
Worrying about marketing director Nikki Fritz's tits is sending Sin City PR man Jeff W.'s hair cold white. A few weeks ago, Fritz got busted by Ari and Marc Snyder at Sin City for wearing a revealing $65 shirt which showed too much of her ample cleavage. Office manager Sharon was charged with giving Nikki a stern talking to.
Most of the folks at Sin City have a good sense of humor and enjoy my column. Among those who do not - contract girl Zoe, talented art director Mark Snyder (a favorite with owner David Sturman but not popular with many of his employees) and Ari, who gets ribbed a lot about his days in the Israeli army. Ari has three sons, one a doctor. The other two work at Sin City, the quintessential family company (along with GVA West, it employs much of David Sturman's family).
At his highest positions, Jew owner David Sturmans mostly employs folks on the right end of the IQ Bell Curve - Jews and Asians.
Ona Zee is engaged to be married. She divorced in June. Zee hates my bio of her which is largely based on an article first published in Hustler Erotic Video Guide, which had a long feud with Ona.
I did not sleep Wednesday night because I was so excited and nervous about attending this year's Consumer Electronics Show at the Sands hotel in Las Vegas.
I arrived early Thursday morning, missed my ride with Mike South at the airport, then checked into my hotel and finally arrived at CES before noon. Mike provided me with a "Randall Flag" badge. "Randall Flag" is the anti-Christ figure in a 1980 Stephen King horror novel.
VCA has its huge booth right at the entrace to the adult section, held as always in the Sands basement. VCA owner Russ Hampshire was the first porner to greet me. I'm stunned, figuring he'd only want to punch me after some of my writings this past year. I have not talked to my old friend Russ for nine months.
I chat with VCA contract girls Nakita and Vicca (represented by Lucky Smith) who's contract with VCA expires this month. Another Lucky Smith girl, Phaedra, has signed to represent Spice as a spokesmodel.
I meet Kianna Bradley for the first. We've talked on the phone for months.
I thought Chuck Martino and Farrah hated each other, but they were walking around together Thursday in a friendly fashion.
Metro has a huge booth, with such girls on hand as Houston, Gwen Summers, Madelyn Knight, Misty Rain...
I snap some pictures of Janine at the Club magazine booth. She recognizes me and we chat for ten minutes. She's not sure where her life is heading. She thought it would be easier to cross over to mainstream entertainment. She might become a kindergarten teacher or clean up after old folks or become a waitress. She has no idea. But whatever she does, her porn past will always haunt her.
Wearing a dark suit and carrying a cane, Mike South is dressed like a pimp. He's accompaned by two blondes (Mamie, Trinity) and asian brunette Shannin and 6'5" D.B. Cooper.
I hear that Rene Bond died three years ago from a liver condition.
I walked by Laurie Holmes and attorney Alan Gelbard who are each suing me. Christy Lake signs autographs next to the XXXGen booth. XXXGen's boss Craig Vasiloff is punch drunk after only four hours sleep in the past three days. He's frustrated because the UPS shipment of his XXXGen magazine has not arrived yet.
AVN gave Craig three passes to the AVN Awards Saturday night at the Venetian hotel, along with a note from AVN publisher Paul "Free Speech" Fishbein saying that if Luke F-rd tries to get into the Awards show, all four of us will be ejected.
Heaven Leigh says she's signed a contract with porngirlcam.com to put five cameras in her house which feed live over the internet.
Heaven: "I can't be on anybody else's webcam. I have live webcam in my home 24/7... People can see everything I do every day. We're looking for another girl to move in with us... Then we'll get more cameras... They'll put a miniserver in our house."
Heaven's hubby Blake says that the blonde porn star Timber has moved to San Diego and makes her living from "feature dancing."
Dick Nasty, from Britain, tells me that he is now officially divorced from Stephanie DuValle after four years together. Dick got his green card (for permanent US residency) a year ago.
Will Jarvis tells me that Prometheus Books, my publisher, has just released the book "Porn 101: Eroticism, Pornography and the First Amendment," a collection of essays from the 1998 World Pornography Conference.
I chat with Andrew Blake, telling him about the French porn site that rumored he was HIV positive. That was news to Andrew. He's healthy and HIV free.
Next to Andrew at his Studio A booth is the stunning blonde Inari Vachs. I initially don't recognize her because of her longer hair. And she's not wearing glasses.
Blake releases three porn movies a year.
Toshi Gold from Astral Ocean has invested nearly $500,000 in internet operations such as astralocean.com. He's particularly excited by his 30 frames per second stereo sound feeds. He also offers webmasters 24/7 live feeds from The Love Temple, which demonstrates explicit tantric techniques. And "The Hot House" features livecams from a home populated by six porn stars.
I run into Danielle Rogers, wearing jeans because her baggage got lost. She now lives in Colorado with her children. She says she's doing much better since leaving Randy Spears, her ex-husband and fellow porner.
Danielle signs for Snatch Productions, owned by Todd Blatt and Al Thornton, the big black actor.
Seymore Butts walks up to me. We shake hands. He notices that I flinched. He comments that I must fear a lot of people who I've annoyed through this site.
Seymore says he's had so much nasty stuff written about him that words can no longer hurt him. Alisha Klass, however, is furious that I still have her real name on my site. I recall that she once told Gene Ross that she was going to be the Superstar of the 21st Century. One of the prices of fame is that people learn your name. I tell Seymore I will take it off.
I talk to net gossip rival Gene Ross for ten minutes, our first conversation since July. Gene and I had a big war that I started in April, when I predicted that in three months one of us would be gone. Since May, however, almost all of the venom has gone from our competition.
Busty blonde Lizzy Borden got engaged to Rob Black on Christmas day. Rob and Tom Byron sport increasingly bizarre haircuts which cry "Help me grownups..."
Jessica Darlin shows me her new ring. Married two years, she's been with her man "Luis Cypher" for seven years.
About to enter the Mens room, I run into Sunset Thomas. We talk for ten minutes. She's sick of people talking to her about her Texas ranch, which burned down almost a year ago (around the same time as anti-porn protests in a local town). Sunset and Zach still live in Texas. She's on the road frequently working as a feature dancer. She books through many different agents including The Lee Network and Charley Frey.
Sunset's a contract girl for Pleasure Productions and has a new movie out. She's long rationed her porno appearances, keeping her fans wanting.
My father the preacher always told me that it is better to leave an audience wanting rather than loathing.
Zach Thomas comes by. He said he'd heard good things about me from Bianca Trump.
Delaney Daniels runs all over the convention promoting XXXGen which hits the newsstands January 10. She directed XXXGen's first movie, a gonzo called "Pussy Control." James DiGiorgio shot the camera. It's about women who like to take control during sex and stars Delaney, Kim Chambers, Heaven Leigh, Nakita Cash and Cherry Mirage.
Luke to Delaney: "A woman can't direct a movie."
Delaney: "Oh God Luke, I could be the first one to hit you at CES."
Sin City's new shooting studio on Deering in Chatsworth has been booked most every day the past few months, including for B movie shoots (including Charley Band's company Surrender Cinema aka Full Moon).
I apologize to Nikki Fritz (nikkifritz.com) for accidentally starting a false rumor that she was going to do hardcore. She's appeared in numerous softcore productions including the recent movie Go, Spring Break (the first teen sex comedy I saw, back in 1983) and the new HBO series Intimate Strangers, where she has a recurring role.
Nikki plays a stripper called Noelle in Go. "I'm the catalyst for the third act. I'm the reason that everything starts blowing up," says Fritz. "I have a good little speaking role."
A couple of weeks ago, Luke meant to write that Nikki will not do hardcore, but I forgot to include the word "not."
I chatted with Keisha, who plans to transfer soon to UCLA to do a BA in psychology.
Lynne L-patin followed the scent of marijuana at CES to its source, Alexandria Quinn.
I chatted with Harry Young and Vaughn from VCX. They saw a couple of police and immediately images of goose stepping Gestapo came to their lips. Most Jews inherently identify with the underdog because for centuries it has been a Jewish dog, notes Ernest Van Den Haag. For the centuries, Jews have had the experience of fleeing the authorites, rather than the responsibility of running a society. The birth of the state of Israel has given Jews a sobering taste of responsibility and forced many of them to abandon their kneejerk pacifistic leftist anarchist mindset.
Mark Davis was planning a big New Year's party at his house but was overwhelmed by the number of people who wanted to come. So he celebrated the evening in a quiet manner with a few good friends.
Eric Everhard says the only porner he hangs out with is Vince Voyeur.
I run into Ed Powers, who's lost 40 pounds. He's highly sensitive and empathic. He reads other people keenly. I find that when I talk to him, we're on a similar wavelength. He feels my pains and joys.
My lips and skin are parched. The hotels pump in oxygen to keep people awake and gambling. It makes it hard to sleep.
The big CES event Thursday night was Sharon Mitchell's AIM fundraiser at the Spearmint Rhino stripclub. Also, Adam & Eve held a party. There are six parties Friday night.
I went to bed at 6PM Thursday, exhausted and Friday night I will be making "Shabbat," the holy seventh day Sabbath.
Mad Jack writes Thursday morning: "Wild times kicked off last night here in Vegas when the K-Beech crew (Midnight Film and Video/Erotic Angel/Dreamland) took over Marakesh(a Morracan restran) over by the Hard Rock. After unlimeted courses of AWESOME food, and a few drinks Farrah, Alexandra Quinn and my girl Tia bumped the house belly dancers back to the kitchen and took over the floor show. WOW!!! These three put on a show that only nasty girls can do...The owner came over and asked if he should boot out the remaining customers and lock the doors..The answer, YES!! Clothes were flying as the music progressed and the Jackster has to say this was the BEST floor show he's EVER seen...We all wound up at the Venition and I'd go into detail but the mental picture of Luke jacking in front of his monitor is too much for me to handle this early in the morning."
I heard a rumor Thursday evening that Adult Video News has sold. Or maybe it's just their Fetish magazine?
AVN and VCA have tight connections. AVN publisher Paul Fishbein is married to Kimberly Wilson, head of VCA's cable sales. AVN's VP is Darren Roberts, who came to the magazine from working at Babenet, which VCA partially owns. AVN's websites are brought to the world via Babenet servers. Now I hear that there are more partnerships in the works between AVN and VCA.
Tyffany Mynx signed at the Zane Entertainment booth. A year ago, Tiffany was a contract girl for Extreme, owned by Rob Black. Rob's uncle Chuck Zane owns Zane. Rob hates Chuck.
I saw the movie American Beauty Wednesday afternoon. It's as well done as everyone says. But I was depressed by the callously bad behavior throughout. I wish I could say that the primary purpose of art is to inspire. Instead, I believe it is to reveal life, which great porno does at times.
Dad/not Luke's dad/ writes: Here are just a few of the shameful facts of sex in the USA:
1. Although we humans have a history spanning at least hundreds of thousands of years, we leave each kid to re-discover sex on their own. Each American kid learns about sex and their sexual development as though for the first time in human history here in the good 'ol USA.
2. Most American girls' first sexual experience is being physically and emotionally screwed.
3. Most American heterosexual girls do not orgasm their first time. Most lesbian girls do.
4. It's considered socially acceptable for our young people to meet strangers in bars for dates and sex. After all, how else are you going to meet someone here in the USA?
5. False identity rape (misrepresenting one's identity to gain sexual favors) is legal here in the USA. It isn't even on the books.
6. When a woman is raped, most American women either don't believe the victim or assume it was her fault here in the USA.
7. Most girls treated violently for the first time in a relationship think something is wrong with them--not the man-- here in the USA.
8. American girls are not taught that alcohol and drugs are used for sex here in the USA.
9. Pussy at boarding colleges is easy here in the USA.
10. We live in a masturbation culture. No one asks, "Where are their kids?" when they see couples anymore, not even married couples. (Remember John F. Kennedy, Jr.?)
11. Our elderly men are polygamous here in the USA. They are man-shared by elderly women. Otherwise, the women have no one. And without a man, an elderly woman is no one to her fellow women, just like all the other women here in the USA.
12. These same elderly men also frequent prostitutes regularly and everywhere here in the USA.
13. Many of our elderly women never experienced orgasm or even oral sex until their husbands finally died and they dated a polygamous elderly man here in the USA.
I invite your readers to e-mail more of these shameful sex facts to you, so we can all learn from each other. The first step to a healthier sexuality is acknowledging sexual reality, not hiding from it as we always have and still do.
CES Pictures
Goddess writes: ONE Gene Ross picture?! ONE? Luke, you get your ASS BACK DOWNSTAIRS!! And you BETTER have a picture of him in his tuxedo on Saturday.
Porn Muckraker & Son Of A Preacher Man
Luke appears in the latest issue of The Forward, a Jewish weekly out of New York. Chaim Amalek writes: "Luke, the profile that Nancy B. did of you is in today's Forward. It runs about a third of a page, and includes the photo of a conflicted Luke that you like to run. She touches the usual bases (D-smond Ford, Praeger, porn-judaism conflict, etc.). All in all, not a bad article, but nothing new to those who read your web site. (Obviously, you chose not to share with her your favorite video tapes.) The next time, you should portray yourself as having been targeted by violent anti-semitic goyishe porn thugs because of your crusading muck-racking.
"Chaim AMALEKLUKEIAM
"PS The article says that I have given up on ever being an actor. Is that really true? Perhaps, in presenting myself as a jew, I have simple found the role of a lifetime, with all the Jewish world my stage."
Here's an excerpt from http://www.forward.com/CURRENT/fastforward.html
By NANCY BEILES [of Talk magazine]
Luke F-rd has identity issues. Depending on the day and his mood, he might liken himself to Jesus, to the prodigy described in Alice Miller's psychological classic "The Drama of the Gifted Child," or even to Hitler. Most of the time he's kidding around, but it's hard to know because like the best private eyes or con artists, Mr. Ford can glide into the most incongruous personas. His two favorites these days are committed Jew and pornography gossipmonger.
The son of a prominent Seventh-day Adventist evangelist, Mr. Ford, 33, converted to Judaism seven years ago. Soon afterward, he gave up his dream of becoming an actor and has since made his living chronicling the ins and outs of the lives of porn stars for his online gossip magazine about the adult film industry. How does a real commitment to Judaism coexist with a preoccupation with the sex trade? Even Mr. Ford isn't sure it can. "I accept that they don't reconcile," Mr. Ford tells the Forward. "Judaism is unambiguously opposed to pornography. How I morally justify it, though, is that I'm writing about pornography rather than writing pornography."
A quick glance at his web site, www.l-keford.com, will yield profiles of porn stars, behind-the-scenes information about productions and bits of porn history, such as how the availability of VCRs helped pornographers expand their audience to those disinclined to visit triple-X theaters. Mr. Ford, who is also the author of the book "A History of X" (Prometheus, 1999), says he's like a crime reporter, exposing some of the secrets of this dark world. Sometimes, Mr. Ford seems to be arguing that he's performing a real public service -- such as when he describes his most famous dispatch, a gossipy item that a porn star was HIV positive, which turned out to be true. (In this case, Mr. Ford is proud of his role in protecting the actor's potential co-stars from infection.) But, in writing about porn, Mr. Ford sometimes turns X-rated himself, providing scene-by-scene descriptions of adult films, for example, and it's hard to know where the line between pornography and writing about pornography really lies.
Mr. Ford himself is aware of the murkiness of the delineation. He does his best to keep his pornography connections under wraps when he's at one of the several Los Angeles-area synagogues where he attends weekly services or at his regular Torah class. "If someone mentions what I do in a religious environment, I blush," Mr. Ford says. "If people want to hurt or embarrass me they mention what I do."
Gossip
Paul writes: Luke, I heard that porn stud XXX died on New Years night (Jan.1). Is this true? Some sort of an overdose? Someone said he was rushed to Tarzana hospital by ambulance, and he died later on that night. Do you have any details regarding this issue? I know that he was engaged to the porno actress XXX. I had the chance to meet them both on a set not too long ago, and they both seemed like really nice people. In fact, I remember talking to him about partying and this like that, because he was a muscian too, and he said he didn't use drugs at all, and he never had. So was this a suicide thing or something? I hope this isn't true, but if it is, I would like to know more about what happened. I tried to call World Modeling, but nobody answered the phones there. I suppose everyone is at the CES show.
Goddess writes Luke: Why do you provide a link to Gene Ross's site when he doesn't provide one to yours? Is the latest rumor true--that you and he are one in the same person:)
Luke: No, not true. It's just another example of my unrequited love for AVN.
NiceStud writes Luke: Read your ethics rankings. I'd like to add alleykatz.com to the list. I joined the site and the feature I had joined them for - video wasn't working. I immediately cancelled the membership (within 1/2 hour of joining). They billed me for three months. Had to call them about 4 times to get taken off.
WORLD'S BIGGEST GANGBANG #3
Heat Index XXX
STARRING: Houston, Ron Jeremy, Lori Rose (Holmes), Misty Rain, Angela D'Angelo, Claudia, Cocoa, Kira, Deja Bleu, Gabrielle, Gina Adorabella, Sinnamon, Diamond
DIRECTED BY: Greg Alves
AVAILABLE FROM: Metro Global
RUNNING TIME: 225 minutes
Rodger Jacobs writes in the December 1999 issue of Swank magazine: When "everybody with ten thousand dollars and a camera" is shooting porn today it becomes imperative for a video company's survival to "make events". The former statement is uttered by Metro Vice-President Greg Alves to host/emcee Ron Jeremy early in the proceedings of what is unmistakably an event. Like the two mammoth cluster f--- movies that preceded it, starring Annabel Chong and Jasime St. Claire, respectively, the third installment of the "World's Biggest Gangbang" is a bizarre carnival act. The only thing missing is a geek biting the head off a chicken.
Oscar Wilde once said that many things are acceptable in art but not in life, a thoughtful platitude that might go a long way in explaining the lurid appeal of gangbang movies (assuming that porno of this calibre is art, but that's another argument entirely). A gangbang girl is the ultimate slut, a squirming piece of human meat and a receptacle for sperm, not the kind of gal that anyone in real life would be proud to call their lady but without a doubt the maximal fantasy mate. That's the underlying psychology here; forget the tired crap spun by people like journalist Susannah Breslin, writing in an on-the-set piece in the April issue of "Details" magzine that the Houston gangbang "is like homoeroticism without all the homo." Put that weak palliative back on the shelf where it belongs and deal with the stone-cold fact that in a world of cynical values and jaded sexual palates a woman who succumbs to one hundred, two hundred, or three hundred penile pokings at one time has reached the pinnacle of slutdom, a good-time gal to be worshipped and adored --- from afar, of course, unless you're one the lucky guys who was chosen from a nationwide contest to participate in the crowning of this ignominious jizz queen.
The New Mafia
From the Entertainment Wire on the February issue of Penthouse:
The New Mafia Bosses: Cocaine Cowboys with Single-Digit IQs
When a budding Mafia capo approached writer Ernest Volkman with an offer to tell his life's story, the young hoodlum probably never imagined that Volkman would conclude that he was an incompetent dunce who typified today's baby mobsters. And he certainly could not have anticipated that his tale would appear in the pages of the February Penthouse under the headline "The Godson" and a sub-head that referred to his I.Q. as "somewhere in the single digits." But that's exactly the story Volkman reports in Penthouse as he tells about a crew of young cocaine cowboys who have "destroyed the Mafia by making it a joke." The available talent pool for the Mafia has been decimated by a devastating law-enforcement offensive, forcing the Mob bosses to look to the "dregs of the streets" for new Mafia soldiers.
Volkman concludes that many new recruits are "knuckle-draggers, violent psychopaths, heavy drug users, dim-wits and petty thieves," who are helping the Mafia commit suicide. People who have followed the twists and turns of the Mafia are familiar with the public berating of John Gotti Junior by his frustrated father, who announced that "Junior couldn't find his f-ing hat in a phone booth." But there are other young Turks who are even dumber. Volkman identifies a number of them, including the wild-eyed killer and dope dealer, Jimmy Frogs Galione, now serving 22 years in prison, and Carmine Galante, who is on the lam after stabbing a college student to death in a dispute over a woman. The heart of Volkman's story, however, deals with the misadventures of "Bobby," who frustrates even his own family with his ineptness.
Rape Kits Contain Evidence That Could Help Identify Predators
Defense attorney Alan M. Dershowitz says there are hundreds of thousands of samples of the D.N.A. of rapists sitting in refrigerated storage bins around the country, and they could help find and convict rapists. But, he says in the February Penthouse, radical feminists and politicians seem to be more interested in banning pornography than in using the evidence in these kits to convict the guilty and free the innocent. The rape kits contain D.N.A. recovered when evidence is taken from the body of a rape victim. The D.N.A. could point to the actual rapist, but it is rarely matched against the D.N.A. of known rapists. Dershowitz calls for legislation that would enable the limited use of the D.N.A. as a super-fingerprint, but would prohibit more intrusive uses. He calls for the creation of a nationwide data base and the testing of rape kits that have already been secured as evidence.
Is your lady Y2K compliant? Luke F-rd says: Finger anus, don't f--- it, for safer sex, and more carefree fun in the bedroom in Y2K and beyond.
That's right, boys and girls. Anal f---ing is out in Y2K, since anal sex is the easiest way to transmit AIDS due to those unavoidable anal tears and abrasions. Luke's solution: Anus fingerf---ing.....and Luke personally recommends petroleum-based Preparation H or Anusol to self-heal those nasty scrapes.
Ask your lady friend to self-lube after her BM and lie on the bed, pillow under her pelvis, ass up and gaping open, with bra unstrapped to focus all the attention on her anus. Begin your anal overture with your own well-lubed pinkie, insert gradually, and begin gently stroking and reaming until all her anal muscles tell you she is totally relaxed.
HOLD AT ONE FINGER, GENTLEMEN, preferably your pinkie, since Luke's experience is that anything bigger just hurts and makes her complain. That's it. The rest is up to your nasty imagination, where 99 per cent of eroticism lies anyhow, right?
Luke's love tips for anal sex: Don't make any demands. Go slow, and remember, easy does it. Keep a box of Kleenex at bedside, and be sure fingernails are completely trimmed and filed down. Anal sensitivity varies, but most women don't feel anything at all or simply don't find anal sex erotic, so don't let yourself get too hung up on it if it isn't her thing. In the end...for most of us, anal sex is just a passing fantasy after all.
Brandy responds: I don't know who you're playing with, but normal,
unwrecked anuses don't just gape when placed in position. And if they
do, you don't need the anal instructions. You could probably insert
a baseball bat without lube at that point and not bother her.